bad news :(

how disturbing is this article?
Chaos erupts in crowd at NYC 'Top Model' auditions
it's stories like this that completely frighten and bother me. just like those stories a few years ago about fires and stampedes happening in crowded nightclubs. can you imagine the horror of dying- due to being inside of a stampeding crowd or fainting out of exhaustion and dehydration among a bunch of strangers? thankfully, no one died at these auditions, but they could have. i think the only thing worse than being in a state of panic yourself, is being inside of a crowd of people who all go into a state of panic at the same time. and start trying to escape to save themselves. that's a big reason why i found a particular scene in a movie "28 weeks later" so disturbing and scary- it was a scene where a human being infected with a virus is let loose into an enclosed room filled with people who are locked in, and the scene shows their ensuing panic to remain alive and get away. that scene haunts me to this day.

about the top model auditions, how can such a long running show which has held countless auditions be organized so poorly this time around? it doesn't make any sense. some of these girls were not allowed to leave the line to go use a bathroom or to eat without risking their place in line going to someone else. i have to say though, in those cases, they should have taken their health and safety more seriously than chasing after a dream in such an irrational way. how could someone overlook their own body's needs for something so trivial? there is more than one way to go after a dream but given that, i really don't think that the wait for these auditions should have been so long. and i can't believe that there was not better control over the growing crowd of girls hoping to get their chance to audition. it will be interesting to see how the producers respond to these poor girls who fainted due to lack of food or being crushed by a rushing mass trying to escape some threat that didn't even exist. it makes me sad and fearful for them.

personally, you would never find me in a large crowd such as that, i get nervous enough just going to simple things like concerts and parades, and even rush hour crowds can get to me. because i need to maintain my personal space. i just hate to hear news stories like this because it brings out some of my worse fears, things too horrible to even imagine. i pray that these girls are OK now and not willing to put themselves through such an ordeal as that ever again.

Wednesday Poetry Prompts: 040

(taken from the blog http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/)

"For today's prompt, I want you to take the phrase "Why I Don't (blank)" and fill in the blank. Then, make that your title. From there, write a poem. Some possibilities include "Why I don't look both ways," "Why I don't tie my shoestrings," and "Why I don't watch the evening news." So many possibilities, so little time."

here is my poem in response to this prompt:

why i don't wear pink

i think i'm more like wednesday adams
not perky, not upbeat, not enthused,
but not dull or demure either
in the sense that i don't want to fade
into the background- sea of black or blend
in with everyone else, my personality
isn't that of brighter hues, it's subtle.

if i speak i do not shout you need to lean in
closely to hear, i do not need an audience
to adore me, i don't need to proclaim how
girly i can be. i can't defend superficiality

i love to live in the cover of night
i do not reflect the light if i can help it
i reflect inner light and see beyond a rose colored
world

a happy paragraph

today i can say i am grateful for my job. sure it can be stressful at times, but at least i have a place to go to where i can feel productive, i can feel appreciated and help other people. of course on some days, all my coworkers can seem annoying. but the friends i have here even things out with their smiles and hugs, and it's nice that i can have that. i don't completely despise coming in to work like some people. i get paid more than i did in my previous position. working for this company has allowed me the chance to live on my own and pay off student loan debt and go back to school. they have treated me well and transferred me to a new department when i wanted a change. now i can just have patience for the rest of this month (awaiting a raise next month), remember to go slowly with things and not get ahead of myself, and breath and relax more. life is not a race to be won. i have to stop thinking of it that way and putting too much un-needed stress on my body. mondays are hard for everyone, so are most mornings, but i can choose to see things differently. i can mentally strive for the positive side of everything. and be led by God's guidance to where i am supposed to be.

7 things to be grateful for today

1. that it's almost time to go home
2. i was able to put some money into savings
3. i'm not 30 years old yet
4. my boss was out for the whole day today and didn't call me for anything
5. i have enough groceries for the week, thanks to my sweet bf who kindly drove me and carried them in for me
6. it's not cold today
7. i have a free coffee or smoothie waiting for me at a cafe nearby my apt (because i already bought 7 smoothies there and they have one of those cards where they stamp and the 8th drink is free. )

come to think of it, i should go there to have a drink and do my homework, that way i won't be tempted to go to bed and leave the work for the next day.

saving (and surviving) daylight

i cannot adjust to the time change at all today. i've been so sleepy and it doesn't help that it was a rainy monday morning to wake up to. all i wanted to do when i got here was go back home and crawl into bed. i wonder who decided that the work day should be 8 hours long. why can't the work day start at 11am? most days i really don't feel awake until then and it usually does not take 8 hours to get a job done anyway. most of the time is spent just waiting around for work some days or chatting with coworkers, or being annoyed by other people chatting a bit too loudly with coworkers.

daylight savings time means the spring is coming though. thank God. i can actually take walks and feel free instead of feeling like a lazy pig all holed up in my apartment. i was thinking last night about how tired i am of feeling tired. but i can't seem to motivate myself to do any type of exercise in the winter time. in the spring it's just easier. you can go out and walk around and not freeze yourself half to death. and then you feel happier and more optimistic about life. you can wear prettier clothes and go out unencumbered.

in the winter i just don't want to do anything. and this winter started early and is lasting like forever. i was so sleepy last night that i barely dipped into the chapter of the book i need to read for my class tomorrow, much less do the assignment, so hopefully tonight i will get to it. i'll fight with myself to stay awake probably, but i know i have to do it. meditation usually helps, but the neighbors above me were way too noisy last night and i was way too sleepy anyway.

i miss those days of my early twenties when i had so much energy. i could go out to a bar on a weeknight, get home at like 1 or 2am and get up for work the next day as if nothing happened. it was great. not to mention all the energy i had for the things i like doing, like reading, organizing my things and paring them down, watching movies, going online, etc. somewhere between moving out and now, i've let my life and myself be consumed by daily chores, and ignored myself as a human being who needs mental stimulation, creative expression, and moments of carefree fun. it is so hard to go to work on Mondays. Tuesdays are a bit easier. and by the time it's Friday, i'm happy and productive and back to normal. but maybe that's the because i know the weekend is coming.

i look at my nephew and remember when i didn't know what work was, and all my days were simple and my parents took care of me. and all there was to life was fun. i didn't like getting up in the morning for school, but at least there was the knowledge that i was free to do anything i wanted when i got home. and not have to worry about making my own dinner or washing my clothes or dishes. i would go home and write poetry, write in my journal, read articles online about writing, eat my dinner and go to sleep. it was pretty fantastic.

boy, did i move out for the wrong reason. if i only knew then what i know now...

wednesday poetry prompt # 39

from the poetic asides blog-

http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/

the prompt is-write a poem that deals with the idea of correspondence. here is mine:

dear mom

heart of my hearts
the rest- reality, lies.
the warmth of your eyes
the length of all time
an endless embrace

spirit, a thing that has always
been. a new sound of hoping
love outlasts the wait

how will i know who i am
without seeing myself in you?
how does this life go on without
protection?
i live because of you
i move because of you and learn
all things anew

you grew me into a flower
of eternities

7 things i'm grateful for today

1. finding a pretty green scarf that i forgot i had in my closet
2. getting free coffee and cookies when i bought lunch for my boss yesterday
3. that i don't have any class to attend this saturday (session is over)
4. that i had a nice conversation with a coworker which killed some time this morning. we talked about his trip to barcelona and my trip to paris.
5. that the new season of america's next top model starts tonight-finally, something to watch on tv!
6. i'll be getting my tax return in a few days or weeks
7. i woke up in a good mood today

life, or something like it

what a life of mood swings, feeling great then feeling bad, feeling sleepy, then full of energy, feeling hopeful and then hopeless. it's all a big mishmash. one day you are stressed out and the next day you are bored out of your mind. i have so many blessings in my life, but it's amazing how on some days i don't take account of any of them. i take them all for granted. when that really should not be done. it's being in one state of mind, seeing all the good or seeing all the bad only, and forgetting about the possibilities. forgetting about the promise of new days, new choices, new options, new ideas, fresh turns that life takes, when you veer off the routine paths.

when you do the same things day after day, it seems that there are no more discoveries to be had. i think happiness comes from knowing your limits, seeing the truth about yourself, being honest with yourself about what you really want and figuring out how to give it to yourself, without worrying about judgements or consequences. just trusting in the universe that things will fall into place, when you follow your bliss i guess. life is too short to do anything else, and i am realizing that more and more.

i worry about the future, when the present moment is all there really is. so i tell myself to do one thing at a time and take things one day at a time, and usually that works. but i can't help worrying. and wondering if the best days of my life have passed me by or if there is more for me in the future to look forward to.

i went to see my sister's new house that she just closed on this past sunday. i had that weird feeling of time passing quickly again, as i imagined her there with her family which is just beginning, and seeing us there later in life, all meeting together and having family gatherings. it was a strange feeling to see her there and know that we were in a house that she owns. i felt small and inept. like my life may never come together that way. i tried to lift up my nephew who is almost 3 and weighs about 40 lbs already, and i couldn't do that. it made me a bit sad. my sister has this whole life in order, she has friends, a home and a family, and most of the time i feel i am drifting in the wind.

sure things aren't perfect, they aren't for anybody. but i think as we get closer to our own idea of perfection and happiness and success, we start to feel more accomplished. more settled in the world. uh oh, i'm writing in sentence fragments, not good for a possible future copy editor or proofreader. well whatever, i'm not being graded on this. i struggle to come up with blog topics, as i'm not writing about any particular niche, and i find that my life can be pretty boring. but i mean what is there to do in the wintertime? except eat and sleep and watch movies? at least i am taking a class and being somewhat productive, as much as it hurts to commute there and back in the freezing cold weather.

back to school

its amazing how fidgety you get as an adult when you find yourself back in a classroom situation. i found myself wanting to get up to go to the bathroom every five minutes, and shifting in the uncomfortable, tiny child desks we were given to sit in. it's really hard to sit still for an all day class. i remember getting that same feeling when i first tried meditating. it took so much will power to make my body resist the urge to move itself.

life seems to be like one long to do list. thank goodness i have a day off coming up soon. this week was way too busy for me. i just do stuff and cross it off, and life seems to pass by in one big blur. i thought buying a day planner was a good idea, but maybe it wasn't. i just seem to jot down more and more things that i need to do.

i need to get back to the basic stuff, slow down and try to notice things in life again. i used to love to observe the world, not run through my day with barely any breath left by the end of it. it's not healthy, it's not human. i need to read poetry, eat slowly, spend time in nature (when it's not freezing) and listen to music more often. i've been so rushed this week that i haven't even felt compelled to do that, and music usually helps to soothe my soul and relax me.

i was trying to remember the feeling of meditating as i was trying to fall asleep last night, but it didn't quite relax me like i hoped. i knew i had a long day ahead today and the thought made it impossible to relax. i went to my first copy editing class last night. copy editing seems really really involved, but it was valuable to learn about the different structures of publishing houses (there are 2 main structures) and the jobs of the people at different levels and departments within the structures. that's the kind of basic understanding of this field that i really need to get better acquainted with to see where and if i fit somewhere within it.

if i could go back in time..

today i was thinking back over my life at the things i would do differently, but i trust that every decision i make in my life is the right one, no matter how it turns out, because i'm meant to learn along the way when things don't work out as i hoped. if i had it to do over again, for example, i probably wouldn't have majored in english in college. but then again, maybe i would, just for the simple fact that all i knew that i was truly interested in was writing and literature. i thought that was a natural step.

i remember talking to other people in college who would say to me, well i really love writing and reading, but i thought i should major in business instead. it's more practical. and i had one close friend who started out as an english major, then changed her major with the hopes of becoming a chiropractor. so instead she had all these physics classes to take. if i had it to do over again, i'd probably be just as lost as i am now, and end up majoring in english again.

i used to think i would change my major to accounting or something straightforward like that, not as broad and unfocused as an english major. but i think it has served me fine so far in life. i can always continue schooling to find the specialization that i want to pursue. so i don't end up working as an administrative assistant for all of my life. it's important in any position to be able to articulate well, and to write well, so that has been to my advantage. i don't think people are in their right mind at 18, and not always certain about what the work world entails and what would be a good choice for a career. i know i wasn't.

i remember having vague notions of becoming an editor. and not really knowing about entry level positions at publishing companies. i was too intimidated to start out as an editorial assistant. although that would have been the ideal start to my career path. after a few years of working though, the confidence has developed. and i realize how important it is to love what you do and have a real interest in it. because it is your living. you do it for at least 40 hours a week and it consumes most of your lifetime. it has to be something you will never get tired of doing, and something you would do even if you weren't getting paid.

i find writing fun, i do it in whenever i get a chance and have the energy. and analyzing literature was great fun in college. but those are not practical skills, thus began the impetus to begin taking classes that will train me on the practical aspects of this field of publishing. copy editing, proofreading, indexing, editing, word usage, etc. i am hoping that i find i have a natural aptitude for it. i'm hoping to be paid to use my mind and write something or read and analyze/summarize for a living. i think that would be much more rewarding and stimulating, providing of course that i work for the right company with the right people. but all i can do is pray and meditate and hope that all my steps are guided in the right direction, to where i am supposed to be.

this entry was probably completely boring to most of you out there, but my boss is out today and i had nothing better to do. but why make excuses, this is my blog isn't it? haha

friends who pray for you are the best!

i received this email from a friend who cheered me up and gave me a hug when i really needed one this morning. i'm learning from her more and more that having true friends is really a blessing and a major support.

From: Meekins, Joanne
Sent: Wednesday, February 18, 2009 11:38 AM
To: D, Karen
Subject: RE:

You are welcome Karen. Keep me posted. And feel free to call when needed.
God created us to be in relationship with Him and each other, so it is our responsibility and privilege to help each other on this journey called life. :)

Father God, in heaven and in our hearts, I pray for Karen this day that you would encourage and rejuvenate her spirit. Stir up her joy in You because the joy of the Lord is our strength. Teach her how to surrender ALL and rest in your presence and power. Help her to stay out of her head and not give into negative emotions, but to instead counter them with the truth of your Word regarding your plan and purpose for her life. Bless her to speak those things that be not as if they were; to call into existence those things she wishes to experience through the power and authority you have given us as children of the Most High God. Hide her beneath the shadow of your wings and restore her confidence and zeal for you that it may be magnified in her. Teach her to trust you and wait on you through this process of healing and wholeness. Protect her mind, body, and spirit from the attacks of the enemy and increase her intimacy with you; in Jesus name, amen.

Jo Anne Meekins
Procedure Writer
Enrollment Department

"Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else."
-- Gloria Steinem, American Journalist
----------------------------------------------

Joanne's inspiring blog can be found here

frozen beauty

right now i'm half watching coverage of New York fashion week on TV and half reading reviews of the movie Coraline online, which i got to see today. but more on that later. there's a fashion show on right now where the styling of the models was based on the concept of 'frozen beauty' as explained by a make-up artist and hairdresser, in which the models are made up to look like ice maiden androids. strange how all these different designers interpret their own ideas of beauty, hoping to get people to buy into it and want to achieve similar looks and moods through their clothes. or for some maybe it's all just theatrics, but regardless. i thought that could be a great title for something, so for now it will be the title of this blog post.




so coraline, what a strange, confusing, eerie movie. i was expecting it to be what it was, in that it was a great, entertaining stop motion 3D animated movie to watch with stunning visuals, and fun and different in that sense. the story had a clear moral, but somehow i expected there to be a bit more meat to the story. i have to say though that i agree with a lot of reviewers online who describe this movie as being too creepy and scary for children, as i myself was frightened by some scenes. there was a scene involving dog bats hanging from a ceiling with glowing red eyes, glowing ghostly child figures with button eyes hiding beneath a bed sheet and then floating around a room, a father puppet pulling his face downward until it becomes unnaturally elongated, and a moment where coraline falls into a giant web that comes as a complete surprise and is shot in a swift motion that totally caught me off guard and made me gasp, not to mention her demonic 'other mother' falling down after her, with her button eyes having been ripped out by a cat. yeah, it was creepy.

the music in the beginning and the opening sequence also gave me the chills, in which a doll is hollowed out and resown to look like coraline. this easily could have become a horror movie with some small adjustments. i felt bad for the children in the theater who quietly whispered to their mothers 'I don't want to watch this' and i hope that my coworker didn't end up taking her 4 year old daughter to this. she told me she might after i told her i had planned to see it this weekend. i also read that on the official site of coraline, the movie (which thankfully my computer is too slow to load fully), there is a feature where you can upload your photo and have buttons sown into your eyes! what the hell?

in the past few days i have been told that i look like coraline, and christina ricci. to whom i bear no resemblance at all. weird. i guess people see what they want to see. i also got my hair straightened with the brazilian kerotine hair treatment thing, which i'm so happy and relieved about. though i am somewhat unrecognizable to myself now. i guess it will take some getting used to, but in a good way!
well, back to fashion week coverage..

head and heart in opposition

i don't have much work right now so i thought since i'm here and awake (barely), i'd start writing and see what comes out. life is weird. one day you wake up and you know you have changed somehow. you're growing older, your priorities are subtly shifting, and then you are left to the task of making your life fit into your new mindset. because if it keeps going on the way that it has been, you won't be happy or fulfilled. but it's so hard to break out of old habits. it's so hard to try to socialize and give up my alone time when i know that that is what i should be doing.

i try to tell myself to slow down, enjoy the journey, take pleasure in the little things, not to put so much pressure on myself to improve, to become better, and just be and accept who i am. but it can be hard.
when all of your life decisions are left completely up to you, the options can be daunting. there are so many different directions and possibilities to consider, that it can become immobilizing. and i get so wrapped up in the minutia of the everyday, that i can't stop long enough to really think about things, to think about where i want to be in life, and try to move towards the things that will make me happy. where is the line drawn between coasting along and enjoying the journey and simply being in the 'now'?

i get so concerned with other people and what they will think, that i forget to think about myself, and what i really want. and that is really not healthy. it starts to wear away at me. i'm so lucky in so many ways, and i want to be able to enjoy that. not worry that i should be on some sort of timeline to accomplish things in life, not feel like a let down to people if i'm not a major success or fitting the mold of some conventional life. it takes bravery and courage to step into one's own and not worry about what people with think, and yet some people do it effortlessly. it just comes naturally. i wish i could be one of those people.

sometimes something in my brain switches and i think, this job isn't so bad. this commute isn't so bad. people are not so horrible. but it all depends on my point of view and mood on a particular day. some days my heart says, quit your job, stay home and never show up again, burn all your bridges. who cares? you will figure it out, you will find something else. but then i think i am not possibly being rational, and i go on with my life, wondering if i'm settling for mediocrity. for living in a way that is so much less than who i am and what i could be doing with my life.

my sister went to a psychic recently, he told her answers to questions she was only thinking and hadn't yet verbalized. he told her she would have a daughter and that her family was strong and her baby boy would grow up to be very tall and have an interest in baseball. he told her lots of specific things. i was scared by that thought when she told me all that he said about her future, but now i'm thinking that i may want to go see him too. maybe he can shed some light on all the mysteries clouding my mind. and i'll know whether i should keep listening to my head, or start listening to my heart.

are we happiest in our dreams?

are we happiest in our dreams?
is it only there that we are truly alive
and this real life is nothing but a fantasy?
a blip on the radar
of a flexible universe?
how do we live when asleep
how do we die when awake
how do we take what is rightfully ours
without disturbing some grand design
maybe perfection is mine
in this bleak and tender wilderness
in this massive construct
when life starts out fun but turns into work
and struggle and loss

but then there could be more
if dawn could somehow dare us
to awaken before our dreams have faded
to blend them into the everyness of days
and they'd stay instead of go away

if hearts could go unburdened there'd be
music and joy spilling over into streets
there'd be tears and abundance and release-

fantasies alive for the taking
and only those with closed eyes could see

we are happiest in our dreams

-------------------------------------------------------

McAllister: "Show me the heart unfettered by foolish dreams and I'll show you a happy man."
John Keating: "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be."
McAllister: Tennyson?
John Keating: No, Keating.

-Dead Poet's Society

dead of dreary winter days

it's days like these that i'm grateful for a warm apartment to sleep in. i see homeless people everyday just sitting on the streets with signs asking for money to buy groceries for their families or other help that i can't read because i'm swept along with the rush hour crowds. as i was walking home yesterday, freezing, i thought about this, and thought how grateful i am to be a few steps away from a warm apartment and a warm bath and bed. even though i have to put up with my boss's crap, at least it affords me my own place. and i'm so fortunate that my parents put me through college so i could easily get a job like mine.

my boss was pretty lenient with me on tuesday. i think because i came in looking dead tired after monday, even though i fell asleep at around 8:30pm that night. plus i noticed that her former assistant stepped out of my boss's office just as i was coming in on tuesday. maybe she told her about the crazy emails i've been sending. emails like 'how did you not go crazy doing this job?!' which she never answered. and emails saying how i don't know how she was able to train me on everything i do in just 2 weeks, and that sometimes i don't even feel like coming in.

but then i think, in the economy we're in, how difficult would it be for me to find another job if i were to quit? so i decide instead to look for the positives and stay put. it's not so bad on the days when my boss isn't here. it bugs me when people who have tons of vacation time don't take any of it and then they are all stressed out and frazzled all the time. the mind and body need periods of rest. some people just love their workaholism i guess.

it's brutally cold outside today. wind chills make it feel like 0 degrees. i can't stand the cold. so for now i will just gaze at the painting on my wall that my boyfriend made me for Christmas, called 'Wishing for Summer's Return', and dream my wintertime blues away...

the greatest artist of our time :)

i wanted to dedicate this post to my artist love, the one who pushes me when i need it, who loves me so much, who picks me up when i feel down, and who comes to my rescue time and time again, and shares with me his strength and will to go forward in this weirdness we call life. if you appreciate art, an intriguing personality, humor and quirkiness, intelligence and creativity, you are sure to enjoy his blog and art sites-

http://antonio-estevez.blogspot.com/

http://www.antoniestevez.net/

here is a sample of his work called "Nothing Seems to Satisfy"-

And here is his lovely face (and more of his work in the background)

on a positive note

ok so i thought i'd counteract the negativity of the last post with a more positive one.

7 things I'm currently grateful for (this excercise is taken from a book called "Journalution." i can't recall the author's name right now

1. that i have a job
2. that i have my own apartment (no roommates)
3. that i can stay with my parents whenever i want, they live only 15 minutes away now
4. that i have all new clothes to wear to work
5. the fact that it's not too cold today (finally!)
6. i have a boyfriend who loves me
7. i am still young enough to change my cicumstances
8. (bonus) my dvd player is working when i thought it was broken

ok, now i feel better..

my favorite quote of the day is the following, which i received from a friend from work in an email-

“I am a pencil in the hand of God who is writing a love letter to the world.”
~Mother Theresa

snippet of my day

the following is an email exchange with a friend-

my email-
Are you busy today? I’m starting to get aggravated by my boss. She asks for certain things by a deadline and then changes what she asks for, confusing me and all the directors and wants everything done at the very last minute. And since I’m the one compiling information for her, everyone ends up getting upset with me! its not my fault because I’m just following her orders. Do you ever just feel like you need a long break from working to rest? I feel like I’ve worked so many years straight in this office setting and its starting to get to me. I didn’t tell you this because I didn’t want to talk about it, but a few weeks ago I went back on the medication for anxiety. Now I’m worried about gaining weight but sometimes I wonder if I should quit my job and just reassess my life, because I don’t want to have to be on medication just to get through the day you know? I felt so horrible this morning. tired and my head was aching and so anxious, I don’t know how much longer I could keep up with a job with this kind of stress level. Its ok, but sometimes my boss just asks for things and forgets what I already sent her and springs things up out of the blue and it’s really hard to deal with. I try to remember my blessings, and how much I love living on my own. But I don’t know if it’s worth all the stress that it’s causing me. I feel like I need a month off to feel centered and like myself again. I know the world won’t stop for me or anything, but sometime I wish it would. Or at least that I could take time off until I feel better.

her response-
it sounds like you are going through a lot of stress at work. i think that anxiety is normal in a work setting. i feel it too sometimes, like i cant keep up or what if i make a mistake but we cant stop to doubt ourselves because if we stop to think about it we will lose confidence. the truth is that everyone likely feels the same way you do but they don't let themselves stop to think about you can't change your boss but maybe you could take notes when she asks for thins that way you can have a record of what she asks for that way if she changes it you can play dumb, show her your notes and say oh you don't wan this anymore right? and she can see it in black and white its unfortunate but the way she acts with you is just the way she is. maybe her mind works like that it tough to work like that but every job has its problems

theres nothing wrong with being on meds sometimes they just help you get through the day, if you look at it like a chemical imbalance then its nothing to be ashamed and if they make you feel better what it wrong with that? i know what you mean about wanting a break, but i think that is just the cancer way of hiding and retreating into our shells and it isn't necessarily the best way to really deal with things you've gotten yourself through rough patches before and you can do it again we aren't given anything we can't handle

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

looking on the bright side, at least my boss eliminated one complicated project that she was going to give me by providing all the information to the necessary parties herself, so that's something to be grateful for. i hate days of feeling so hazy like this, of just wanting to sleep for a week straight, of not feeling like i'm on the right foot or right frame of mind no matter what i do. i felt pretty good last night. i thought today would go better. but it's still early, maybe it will improve... tomorrow is friday, tomorrow is friday, tomorrow is friday,

I wish I could move to Europe sometimes, where a person’s quality of life is actually more important than work

nature's cruel joke

being in your eyes
like a storefront window
walking swiftly
drifting past a memory
a recognition, in the reflection
of me to you

can see we
and i stop
try to pull things together
and realign
misinterpret the signs
the whispers, the sighs
the silences that flash by

my interest wanes
how to sort a dream
image,
in the world of logic
in this reality
how are we to hold fast to them?
before fading
before wandering
through days and storms and night.

quote of the day

"why couldn't i have been born rich, instead of so darn good looking?!"
-sales director

that was close to being my exact thought this morning, haha. no, really, i'm not that vain. i am so far removed from my confidence at the moment and am slowly trying to get it back. i did want to stay in bed though, and i dreamt momentarily about being rich enough to not have to work. and how wonderful that would be in the winter months, when your bed is all warm and cozy and it literally hurts to get out of it and go out into the harsh winter cold.

the sales director whom i quoted above just offered me a sales manager position in queens. i guess he's looking to get rid of someone. me, a sales manager! yeah, maybe in a parallel universe. first of all, i could never work in sales of any kind, and secondly, that position entails long periods of time spent outdoors, no matter what the weather. thanks but no thanks. i don't care how big the pay raise would be, i would not want to be out in the snow and the hail and cold and rain. don't know how these people do it.

i recently saw the movie, 'the wackness' and thought it was pretty good. i have a weird facination with mary kate olsen so that was what initially drew me, but the story was interesting as it dealt with the harsh realities of life, growing older, working, and family relationships. i thought it was very well-acted. as was, 'the wrestler' which i also recommend. surprisingly, since i didn't think i'd have any interest in a movie centered around a former wrestler.

in the wackness, there is a scene where the main character's love interest tells him that instead of focusing on 'the dopeness' of life, he chooses to focus on 'the wackness' in a sense that he is a negative thinker, and doesn't focus on the positive things in life. it was articulated within the language of the movie, but nevertheless, it was touching. it was shot in such a way (on the beach in the surf at night) that you could not help but see her point..

anticipating springtime with new clothes..

blogs are weird aren't they? i mean the ones without a focus like mine. i hope mine won't ever be seen as one of the navel-gazing self obsessive type of blogs where people have nothing relevant to say. sure, it's fun sometimes to rant and get things off your chest. and i think people are interested in other people's lives, for purely voyeuristic reasons. but it shouldn't get too out of control with the personal stuff. at least i don't think so.

my mother recently gave me tons of new shirts for the spring and some new pants that are actually sort of big on me. and even a free dress. she came into all these clothes, and does on a regular basis because of samples that are sent to a clothing company that has offices in the building where she works. these samples are often thrown away, and sometimes destroyed before they are thrown away. which is so dumb and pointless when you think about how many people out there are in need of clothing for themselves and their children.

my mom is planning to buy a laptop this weekend so i'll have to show her how to use the internet. hopefully i can connect her to those sites like craigslist where people who are needy place ads asking for clothing donations. it's a shame to let all these perfectly good clothes go to waste. but i'm lucky in the sense that i get first pick :) and i ended up with some really pretty button down shirts for work, soft feminine floral shirts that are more casual, work pants in khaki and black and grey, some short sleeve t-shirts with pretty butterfly and floral designs in orange, green, white, etc., 3 pairs of jeans, and even 1 gorgeous blue coat and a cool wine colored trench coat. these things were all in perfect condition. it was incredible! she saved me from a bunch of spring shopping, and when the weather changes i can start to get rid of older shirts that i don't want anymore to make room for the new. my closet is bursting now with all the new stuff.

the good thing is that my mom gets to send a lot of the clothes to some of our needier relatives in Colombia, so that's a plus.

mom and dad's little girl

for parents, a child never grows up. for example, my mom gave me some peace sign earrings this past christmas because she said she knew i liked the peace sign. i was into wearing peace signs when i was about 11 years old. but i will always be a little girl to her and my father, and so will my sister, no matter how old we get. it's a bit bazaar. but it's the truth. to my mom i'm still the girl who loves to watch scary movies, even though that has dramatically changed since i started to live alone. i feel like i change and they have no idea how much or what parts of me are altered. but it doesn't matter.

i'm still the same little girl they nurtured, even though i'm nearing 30. and i doubt anything will ever change that. maybe it's my own fault for moving out and keeping them out of the loop, for not calling on a daily basis. though that's not the same as living with someone everyday and watching them go through changes.

it's weird to grow up and see your parents as people. regular people who are a part of your family, not super heroes, not protectors from the world, just people like you trying to figure out their lives. trying to help you as much as possible along the way. i have been lucky to have my parents stay together, and feel the security of going to their home. and that is a blessing that i do not take for granted. although it is a comfort, i can't completely rely on it. i have to trust myself to carry on and be strong and stand on my own two feet, take responsibility for things no matter how much i wish i could hide under the covers and hide from the world.

i wanted to do exactly that today, but there is work to come to, and life to figure out and i try to take one day at a time, so as not to overwhelm myself. so i think i have to try to lighten up more, not be so introspective, seek out fun and interesting people to fill my mind with new ideas, and try not to isolate myself so much. nothing can be gained without some risk, and getting to know more people can only be beneficial. it can teach me more about myself. i just have to get out of my own way, and overcome those underlying social fears.

poem i just wrote

endanger nature

if i were
to flower
under a solid cement
sidewalk,
a heavy stone floorbed

if i could remember,
have power to turn
the sun, to prosper-

light up the dew upon
petals
stretch out my leaves
what would be?
forthcoming
would i be?
fragrant and blossoming

would i be the one
to hold a secret?
draw down the heavens
and part the seas

would i endanger
nature's
delicate balance?

a little bit of everything..

some interesting things people have said recently:

'like my uncle always said, the only thing certain in life is death, everything else is negotiable.'
-my boss

'life is too short, god never meant for any woman to be abused'
-a coworker

'the first black president is being inaugurated right after martin luther king day, isn't that weird?'
- a coworker

---------------------------------------------------------
a haiku:

ten degrees today
a merciliess wind descends
sending skin to hiding

--------------------------------------------------------

friends i can't wait to meet:

a friend who shares inside jokes with me, in emails, on the phone, in person

a friend who meets with me regularly for uninterrupted writing time in a cafe or other public place

a friend who meets me to go shopping and get massages

a friend who lets me vent and listens to all i have to say without speaking over me

a friend who understands my quirks and loves me anyway

a friend who likes to go to flea markets

a friend who enjoys taking pictures, people watching and sightseeing

a friend who feels like a member of my family, whom i can call at all hours of the night

a friend who doesn't mind frequent hugs

a friend who will sympathize with my greatest fears and insecurities

a friend who understands the importance of play and light-heartedness (to help me not take things so seriously)

a friend who is creative, plays a musical instrument, writes songs or performs

a friend who is spontaneous and takes me out of my comfort zone..

a friend who is exactly like me, and one who is nothing like me

a friend who lives outside the mainstream and is a noncomformist, who can share a different point of view of the world with me

a friend who lets me disappear for a while, then welcomes me back just the same

how I find blogging ideas

reading the paper
overheard conversations
movie concepts
reading other blogs
reflecting on life
family events
things that piss me off
things that surprise me
things i'm curious about
coping with setbacks
things i find inspiring
poetic images
fantasies, dreams and explorations
a unique event or person i encounter
life in new york city
weird/funny/insigthtful comments people make
the world i observe
people's behaviors
noting my goals and accomplishments
music and it's messages
meditation and spirituality
intriguing personalities-celebrities or unknowns
changes i have undergone
hopes for the future
things that facinate me

my day job versus my passion

my day job allows for very little, if any, creativity and thought. the most i will have to do is create a spreadsheet, diagram, or summarize meeting notes. not very thrilling. and now with our not getting our pay raises until april, it kind of sucks to be working so hard and having benefits go up which are taken from our checks and not have our raises to balance things out. i would have rather had my annual raise then the company throwing us a christmas party. i think anyone would have agreed to that.

if i had it my way, i would get paid to write all day. write whatever i want to, poems, plays, essays, blogs, articles. who knows. maybe i would even attempt a book. i would take writing courses, join critique groups, maybe self publish a poetry chapbook. writing is my passion and it would be nice to live my days just doing that. i think i would be in my element. completely happy and using my mind in a creative way and it would be relaxing at the same time.

another great thing about writing is the solitude. the slowing down and inner reflection. these things are impossible in a bright, harsh, sometimes loud office setting filled with electronic devices. in this setting there are often annoying personalities sitting in close proximity to you, allowing you precious little time to really think, to get your work done properly without distractions, and to get at least 2 things done without the phone ringing off the hook. writing for a living would be like playtime. light and carefree, solitary and peaceful. but still prodcutive and engaging and fun.

i want a room with a view, a room of my own, was that virginia wolf who first created that concept? that being all that a woman really needs for writing? i can't seem to think right today. maybe because of being medicated in order to deal with the state of my life. that's the saddest thing of all. i used to be so happy and at ease and at peace with myself and my place in the world. now i am all over the place and it doesn't feel right. it's sitting there below the surface just waiting for my proper attention to it. it's hard to explain. maybe my shadow self is slowly trying to take over...

saturn's return

i'm definitely going through a bit of trauma right now due to my own saturn return now that i'm 29 and will be turning 30 this year. more information about this phenomenon can be found here. it's a fearful thing. though people claim that things only get better and that i do not look my age, i'm still fearful. i think because i'm not the best at handling change. big changes really freak me out. like when my nephew was born, or my sister got married, the fact that she just got herself a house and will be moving in by the end of next month, and my grandfather dying. i think i will fell the same unease when my parent's finally get around to selling their house too. don't know why, i have just always been that way. i'm comforted by things just remaining the same. but change happens all the time whether we like it or not.

the more i read about saturn's return, the more i realize that's what's happening to me, and it's kind of comforting because i know now that i'm not going crazy, and lots of people tend to go through some bit of identity crisis at this age. i actually wrote a long journal entry in my regular journal last night about this. wanting to just sit back and shut myself off and reflect on myself and my life and what i really want, seems to have utmost importance right now. more than anything else. and it distracts me from just going through the motions of living.

i think the scariest thing sometimes is the idea of having to grow up. i feel like with the age of 30 comes the end of fun clothes, being young and sexy and carefree, and the end of not taking responsilbity for myself and my own happiness. a large part of me wants to regress and move back home and have my parents take care of me until my head gets sorted out, which i heard happens around the age of 35. but who knows. my mom told me something i will never forget. she is about 55 or 56 years old, and she said she would not trade being her age for any other age. she feels pity for younger people because of all the living they still have to go through, when she's already gone through all of it and she feels a sense of relief as a result. that gives me some hope for peace of mind when i become middle aged.

i'm trying so hard to take things one day at a time. to not worry so much about how the future will turn out, while still formulating goals to reach, because we cannot just live our lives aimlessly with nothing to strive for or look forward to. i just want to feel like there are still good times to look forward to, a momentum to the life that i am living and a purpose behind it. i don't want to be an ignorant person, ignoring myself and distracting myself with unimportant things. i want to be a grateful, productive, peaceful and loving person. calm and at ease with who i am and the way i'm carrying out my life. i only hope that that is possible for me.

i hate television

lately there has been nothing on worth watching and it's getting kind of annoying. i haven't been renting so many netflix movies as i have now and it's because absolutely nothing is on. what is there for a young woman on tv these days? the girls next door (which seems to be on every single night)? a double shot of love? rock of love bus? i mean, i don't think so. i keep my tv because of shows like project runway and america's next top model, which are already going down the tubes. it's not like my choice for winner ever wins or anything.

it's so funny how with the broadcasting conversion, the commercials are warning people that they could risk losing all tv signals if they don't buy a converter box. oh the horror! just think, the end of endless tv watching, what a tragedy! i should really cancel my cable. it's adding absolutely nothing to my life and is just resulting in another bill to pay. i never watch it anyway. seems kind of pointless. maybe i'll watch a rerun of 90210 while i eat dinner, but that's about it. mostly i watch my DVD's.

people are going out and buying converters when it might not even be necessary, just because they are so worried about losing their tv signals. i don't see what the big deal is. all our lives would probably benefit from a loss in tv signals. maybe we can turn our minds to more beneficial pursuits and marvel at how much free time we suddenly have in our lives to do the things we really long to do.

my latest netflix rental was a british tv show called 'hex' but i mistakenly rented disc 2 instead of disc 1, so it was already well into the story and i was a bit confused. but it was still a good, entertaining show. and the theme song was #1 crush by Garbage, my favorite band, so that was a nice surprise. I have to rent disc 1 now to see how the whole story began. silly me

short poem

uncommonly
the days burst forth
like a ripe fruit
the gardens of all of our
unawares
our waverings
our souls in the crush of time
release
make nonsenical moves

make historical slides
in our insides
each day anew
we are born
each day anew
we are sensing
time

signs

lately, i have been getting lots of signs it seems from the universe to quit my job. today on the train i saw a sign that said 'life is too short for the wrong job!' isn't that the truth? i felt so close to quitting my job yesterday that it wasn't even funny. people at work were annoying me and i just felt like i am in the wrong place. like i'm wasting my time and my talents. this isn't where i was meant to be. and maybe we are not meant to know where we are meant to be, but i don't want to wait until it's too late. it would be nice to have some sort of work that allows for creativity, for self-expression. i think that would be more fulfilling. i think that would give me more of an incentive to get out of bed.

for the first time ever, i'm thinking about my own life without the expectations of what others will think. who cares? we are the only ones who know what will make us happy. and i think sometimes it's very wise to act on your impulses. if deep down you realize that it's for your own good, no matter what happens.

i was talking to someone recently at my boyfriend's art exhibition who told me in the exact words, "whatever you are going to do, do it now! don't wait. because one day you'll wake up at age 50 wondering where your life went and why you didn't take more chances. When you're young, you think you have all the time in the world. But that's not the case." I think I'm getting all these signs for a reason. It's time to take action. For my own sanity and mental health. Sure, maybe I will wait a few weeks but it would be nice for once to go forward without a plan, to not be so responsible and serious. i think that's my problem. i have so much trouble loosening up.

when i was doing the test shoot the other day. i felt fine. not uncomfortable, not anxious, not stressed. it was fun. and i felt like it was a productive way to spend my day. now if i can only make my life match that feeling. i know stress is inevitable and maybe i need to learn how to deal with it better, but there also must be ways to lessen the amount of stress that we experience. i don't want to feel that life is slipping away. there is so much confusion in my mind that i choose to do nothing, take things one day at a time. but those days are going to add up to my lifetime if i don't act now. i think there are ways to live in the world without following the status quo, without being trapped in a 9 to 5 rat race, and i think some people quietly long for that but resign themselves to the way things are, thinking there could never be anything more. i've been that person for about 8 years. it's time to change for the better, it's time to trust in myself.

i subscribe to these 'thoughts from the universe' emails and this one really stood out to me, so i printed it out and keep it in my daily planner. so it's with me at all times.

Date: Mon, 5 Jan 2009
03:20:00 -0500
From: theuniverse@tut.com
To: fairy710@hotmail.com
Subject: TUT... A Note from the Universe

Karen, it's within you: the answers you seek, the direction you want, and the power to be whoever you want to be. Your dreams are not yours by mere whim. They've been meticulously matched to the gifts you're now developing. Designed to lure you within, where your true power lies, and then out into the world, beyond imagined limitations and fears. Trust yourself. Listen to your heart. You have the right stuff, you know what to do, and it can all be yours.

Hosanna in the highest,
The Universe

some results of my test photo shoot..

the curious case of karen

since it's freezing in my apartment and the heat hasn't kicked in yet, i thought i'd stay here in the living room (the only room with a radiator) and write a new entry on my blog.

so new year's didn't go as planned. i was sad in a way but also glad that i didn't have to go out and freeze in my dress, and drink all night and be forced to dance. it was a relaxing new year's with the man i love, though i did miss being with my mom and family. i went to see the curious case of benjamin button today. and i was pretty underwhlemed. the story was great, and the setting and characters, but brad pitt's performance, which was supposed to be the heart of the movie, was bland to say the least. like my boyfriend put it, he pretty much sleep walks through his part. and it isn't much fun to watch.

i feel lucky for a lot of things in my life. the movie today touched on themes of starting over if you're life is not fulfilling enough. i know that right now i am very fortunate, but i can't help but dream of the possibility of being more and having more, and living the life i would imagine that i could never live. being truly and fully living, on my own terms. going after my dreams without any fear. or at least facing that fear head on.

i think about my fondest dreams, and how i could never imagine making them real, and realizing that if i can imagine them, then there must be a way to do them. and maybe that will be the way to true happiness and fulfillment, instead of being a spectator in life. i could be a participant, if i push myself a little more, if i ask myself the truly important questions and answer myself in all honesty. sometimes i want to start over too. just be spontaneous, drop whatever isn't working and isn't making me feel alive, and see where life takes me. that has never been in my character, but perhaps it should be. i will never get these years of my life back. it would be wise to make the most of them that i can..

it's new year's eve eve

i'm pretty happy right now because a test photo shoot i was supposed to have yesterday has been rescheduled for this Friday. i think it's something i am really needing right now. to feel pretty again and see myself in a different light. it's a nice break from the routine of day to day life. and the last time i did a shoot with this particular photographer, (who found me by approaching me at one of my boyfriend's art shows) the results were pretty good, even though i was heavier then. i think my being thinner now may help me to feel more confident and result in even better shots. not sure where all this may lead, if anywhere, but then again you never know. it's a good thing i'm off work this week, so i had some time today to go through magazines and study the model's poses to get ideas, also i need to look through my clothes to decide on the looks i want to have in the shoot. the pic at the top of my blog was a result of the last test shoot we did together.

tomorrow is my family's new year's eve party, and i hear that an old friend of mine is supposed to attend since our dads work together. I can't imagine how much we both must have changed since last seeing each other. she will be turning 30 in march. we were very close for a large part of our young adulthood. we grew apart when i moved out of my parent's home and also out of the town where she was living. though i heard she has finally also moved out of her parent's home as well , and is apparently working and living with someone, a guy i don't know. i suppose i'll meet him tomorrow night. it's going to be so great to see her again and catch up on everything we have missed in eachother's lives. i have really missed her a lot since she is one of the funniest people i know. i met her while working at a photo developing place when i was 19 and in college.

this has been a very nice vacation so far. tomorrow is my massage and i hope there isn't too much snow in the forecast so i don't have to trudge through it to get to the salon. i posted some of my poetry today on redbubble.com and have already received some really great comments it, so that feels great!

poem i wrote for my nephew Ryan

i wanted to write today but i could only seem to come up with some more personal stuff that i chose to put into my paper journal and not here for all the world to read. so i decided to post this poem i wrote early this year for my nephew, but only gave to him this past Christmas. Here is a pic of him with his dad

Ryan

how much has changed since before you came

I lived different lifetimes and became

different people over a matter of years

where were you existing back before then?

when now you are here and I can behold you

and your spirit resides in this small round body

your eyes asking questions of reality

and in a moment, a lifetime of thoughts can go by

without your knowledge-

all you know is how to exist, to dream, to sleep, to eat

wish I could know how your thoughts are composed.

what desires occupy your little heart

what sensations are pleasing to your skin

what your little eyes delight in beholding

part of your blood is mine and yet

so much of life has passed us by

who will we be when you're old enough to know me?

how will you ever know the person I am today?

when will you be able to know how I love you?

you are innocence but also all-knowing

and the world comes together in each breath you take.

miles from nowhere, and some random tidbits

i just started reading this novel called 'miles from nowhere' by Nami Mun. it's a about a 13 year old girl who runs away from home to live in the streets of new york after her father leaves her family and her mom loses her sanity. it's supposed to be largely autobiographical due to the author being a teen runaway herself. she has an amazing way with words, very poetic and lyrical. and i love the imagery she creates. i've only read a couple of pages and it's already impressive. she writes about her mother setting her father's belongings on fire and then the young girl 'joon' running into the house, locking all the doors and turning off all the lights because she says 'we had revealed too much of ourselves.' that's a small sample of the writer's voice. glad i found out about this book when i read about it in a magazine and read all the great reviews.

i'm pretty much all alone at work today. and it feels so good to know i'll have next week off! i already scheduled a massage for new year's eve and i can't wait for that. just have to get through the rest of today and i am free.
anyone reading who loves fashion/glamour and intrigue should watch this movie called 'priceless' starring audrey tatou. i keep trying to find it on ebay since netflix doesnt seem to sell movies anymore. that's a shame because i wanted to buy some other movies on DVD that i still have on tape.

this is random, but isn't it annoying when you email people and they never write back? and you have to sit there and wonder if they ever saw your email or not? i hate that. i always answer people's emails. my family does this a lot. or we'll have a family get together or a party and someone will take digital pictures of me and then never email them to me. like what the fuck? i kind of want to see the pictures too. and i always send out my pics right away. that was actually my main reason for getting my own digital camera, because whenever anyone else took pictures, i never saw them again except for that split second afterwards when they turn the camera around to let you see how you look.

it's 5am

i'm not sure why i'm awake right now. little things i guess kept me from falling asleep. the fact that my bedroom is perpetually cold, the noise i heard in the apartment above me although i don't think anyone is living there yet, my unrelenting hunger pangs even though i ate dinner, the sound of a woman crying outside my window. pretty spooky. so i'm awake, thinking about how i would have to get up for work in about 2 hours. hoping i can get some sleep before then. maybe it's the lunch that's planned tomorrow with coworkers that's keeping me up? maybe i'm nervous about that? or maybe it's just a pms thing? it sucks to have pms on a holiday.

i don't think i was meant to live in this climate. i'm supposed to live in warmer weather. that's when i feel my best and most happy. i don't think i'm alone in this. but i can't imagine all the travelling i would have to do back and forth to see my family if i were to move someplace warm. that would be such a hassle. but it is any more hassle to have to bundle up and walk slowly across ice to avoid falling and all the while freezing yourself half to death?

it's kind of funny to feel that i'm writing this into an abyss. that maybe one or two people are reading. i wonder how many blogs are out there on the internet right now. i wish i was able to relax and go to sleep. it's weird to go through my whole day at work, get my job done and somehow not feel like me. i start to question everything. like why am i working here? why was i born at this point in time? why do i have the family i have? what if i'm supposed to be doing something else? living more genuinely from my heart? working at something i truly love? maybe i should be a starving freelance writer after all. that would cause all kinds of money stress but maybe i will have found myself again in the process. these are questions that only i can answer. nights like this don't help. they force me to consider these things and wonder endlessly. when all i want to do is relax, sleep, and get on with my life.

my list of simple pleasures

instant happiness:

cheap ebay goodies- stickers/magnets/DVDs
chocolate
strawberry milk
online freebies
clearing clutter
writing/collaging
$1 books at strand
redecorating
articles on reusing/recycling common items
ordering pics from shutterfly
meditation
people watching
reading about benefits of meditation
sightseeing in NYC
poetry readings
playing lottery scratch off games
searching for writing prompts online
buying small gifts for loved ones
buying small gifts for myself
new lingerie
taking pictures
listening to music
reading money saving tips
reading about living simply
reading about dumpster diving
listening to my CDs of the meditation seminars
shopping for clothes
decorating my journal
random acts of kindness
using unwanted gifts in an artistic way

My Favorite Quotes from the Movies:

"Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"
-Heathers

"Do you think I'm a gulla-bull? Or even a gulla-calf?"
-Wayne's World 2

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
-Fight Club

"I will have poetry in my life...and adventure"
-Shakespeare in Love

"I can't relate to 99% of humanity."
"I can't relate to humanity either, but I don't think it's completely hopeless."
-Ghostworld

"This isn't life, Will, it is a stolen season"
-Shakespeare in Love

"That's not happiness to see me is it?"
-A Perfect Murder

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"
-Dead Poet's Society

"Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie."
-Heathers

"Yes, you're dead, this is heaven, and I'm the virgin Mary."
-"Diabolique

"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him."
-Secretary

"We pass the time of day to forget how time passes."
-Amelie

"...but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
-American Beauty

"Everything is temporary. Everything begins and ends and begins again. When I look ahead, I imagine infinite possible futures repeated like countless photocopies, a thousand blank pages, and in each one I see myself, never hiding, never sitting silently, and never just waiting and waiting and watching the world go by. "
-Clockwatchers

"Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent."
-Reality Bites

"No I'm no one's wife, but I love my life and all that jazz."
-Chicago

movies, snow and minutiae

ok, so 'the haunting' is a really stupid movie. but this line has always stuck in my mind because it's so true (spoken by the charachter Theo, played by Catherine Zeta Jones:

Theo: You know what, the rest of you may hate your insomnia but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine. That's when I get all my best ideas... I'm alone, occasionally... with no distractions. My mind is racing with creative ideas and come 3am I feel like a genius.

it's sort of that way today, i stayed home from work and there's nothing to do but watch the significant amount of snow falling outside my window, stay tucked in bed enjoying a fruit smoothie, and writing. i watched the movie 'diabolique' this morning because that movie has great lines in it too, and sharon stone's character is great- evil and yet glamorous, and this seems like the perfect time to get into a creative mindset, and relax for once with that, and see where it goes. i guess i'm giving myself a preview of my upcoming vacation, when hopefully it will be quieter. the only thing ruining this peaceful day is the renovations going on in the apartment above me. that's why i haven't been able to go back to sleep since 7am this morning. oh well, i guess you can't have it all...

Sharon Stone as Nicole Horner in Diabolique (a story of a wife and a mistress of one abusive man who come together to try to kill him):

Nicole: Lost your faith, eh? I've never really had any to begin with, I guess. Never believed in any of it. God, the Virgin Mary, that life begins at 40... and that people are all just basically good inside.

10 things i like about myself

1. i am thin
2. i am intelligent
3. i am good with money
4. i have simple tastes
5. i am living on my own independently
6. i can write
7. i am organized
8. i am a good listener
9. i learn things quickly
10. i have compassion and empathy

new year's eve is baffling

i never understood the big deal about new year's. if it were up to me, i'd stay home. i don't like going out and partying anymore. but this holiday is a guaranteed party whether you like it or not. and if i choose not to go i have to listen to the admonishments of my family who say, 'don't stay home by yourself!' as if it's some kind of crime. i never make resolutions. i feel like i do that all year round with myself, always trying to become a better person. therefore, new year's to me is just one day going into the next, like any other day.

i guess people feel they are on the verge of a whole new year and that reason alone is enough for celebration. but what is the celebration about? maybe getting a new start? a chance to restart in life and try to make things better? that it's a time to make wishes for new and better days in life? i am really baffled. all i know is i don't enjoy getting dressed up in a dress that will most likely make me freeze when i step outside, just to go out and drink and dance to the same songs as the year before and watching the apple drop on tv. its so repetitive and even moreso now that i'm older. am i the only freak? does everyone else out there love new year's eve parties?

i understand celebrating christmas and thanksgiving. and that should be that. i just want to be warm and cozy on new year's. indoors all night cuddled up with a blanket or maybe a certain someone, and leave it at that. that sounds perfect. early to bed to begin a new year with a calm mind and a contented heart. that's the way that it should be. who would think it's wise to start off the new year with a hangover anyway?

let me know

can you let me know
the ways of the world?
the way the fruits blossom
on the tree branch
the way the bird's song starts
the day
the morning sky
the brigtening of the wings
of those who cease to slumber
in the wake of things

can you show me the way?
the bright path illuminated
the wondering woods
the doors to the seascapes
the wonder of whirls
in a rain drop
a tear drop
a heart beat
a song of the natural

human, divine
living and dying
withering, thriving

the wordless and sightless
can you let me in on it?
all the sensations of a world i can't see
most of the time

why do i feel the way that i do right now?

there are some things i know i can do well, and others that take me a little time. i'm still not totally comfortable calling people on the phone. i still feel a bit out of breath when forced to talk too much. and i know its possible to feel another way. if it weren't, there would be no musicians, politicians, public motivational speakers in the world. there are people out there who can withstand the limelight. they thrive on it. they get their energy from others. i guess those are the extroverts. the introverts feel their energy draining when around too many people, or so that's what i've heard.

there was a delay on the train this morning and everyone was standing around annoyed. but there was a nice suprise. after the first stop, a man got up and offered me his seat. it's nice to see that chivalry is not dead. then another nice suprise when i came into the office. a gift was sitting on my desk with a candy cane attached to it. it was from one of the trainers who works here but whom i've hardly worked with at all. talk about selfless giving. When i walked by i noticed that he also left a small gift for the other administrative assistant here. my gift was a cute card and a very pretty butterfly and dragonfly frame, it's red and silver. i love unexpected surpises like that, espeically when they turn out to be somethng i really like! :)

i left work yesterday in a very bad mood. i guess these small good things happen to show me that it's ok to be positive and not always expect the worst. i was sure yesterday that the world was dark and dour, but i know its just a bad day now and i can let it go. i can try to remember to expect good things, and maybe they will keep coming into my life. i shouldn't be writing this while at work. but i'm bored and there isn't much to do. it's weird to have the flow of words disrupted though by a phone call or an email or someone stopping by. it's too bad i can't be in flow all the time. it's like partaking in bliss..

my favorite song of the moment

it sucks that i could not embed this into my post, but follow the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Top0ZUzg5bQ

a typical day of my life if i didn't have to work

9:30am-10am - meditation time

10am- breakfast

11am-1pm- volunteer for City Harvest (or other food pantry)

1pm-2pm- lunch

2pm-4pm- Writing time- either at the library or at a cafe- work on poetry and creative nonfiction.

4pm-4:30- tai chi class

5pm-6pm- piano or guitar class

6-6:30pm - meditation

7pm- Dinner

Rest of Evening- a combination of long bubble baths, seeing my family and boyfriend, shopping, reading, clearing out clutter, painting my apartment, researching new hobbies, going to see live bands play, going to museums, going to poetry readings, watching my favorite movies, etc.

goals for the new year

so, in an attempt to get my life going in a specific direction, i've decided to enroll in the 5 courses below that are required to obtain a certificate in editing from NYU. I will probably take one or two courses at a time, depending on what I can afford. I had wanted to take them in the past, but repaying my student loans was holding me back. now that those are done, I'm free to pursue my real dream of becoming an editor. Most of these courses start in late February and run for 8-10 sessions.

Course Offerings I chose are:

Freelance Opportunities in Book Publishing

From Writer to Reader: An Introduction to Book Publishing

Fundamentals of Copyediting Books

Grammar Intensive: Mastering Style and Sentence Structure

How to Be a Book Editor: An Inside Look at the Editorial Process

I'm excited about the possibilities :)

poem i just wrote (at work)

papercut

i bleed
but i long to sit by a fire
listen to my thoughts
detach from the words

and the stares and the glares
and the shove of the
streets
if a song
could awake me

and live in the house of my
body, if a lull in the noise
could sustain me
could make silence visible
rework my senses

what i want is something
lost,
something fragile
a song i can create to let the world see
me.

something personal to save
the self in fragments
the girl whose world crushes-

the girl who's sunlight has shone
and gone and set.

25 things I want to do in life..

1.write a play or short story

2.see japan

3.go on a road trip

4.have meaningful connections with people

5.help the homeless and hungry

6.learn to play an instrument-piano/guitar

7.get a modelling job

8.see more live theatrical shows

9.establish a blog

10.get my poetry published

11.explore and shop in chinatown

12.pare down my possessions to only the essentials

13.get in better shape

14.buy a house

15.go to europe again

16.have my own business (passive income)

17.star in a play

18.buy a car

19.write a song

20.practice regular acts of kindness

21.write a book

22.organize a charity event

23.help others improve their lives somehow (maybe by writing a book?)

24.be an example of happiness and success for my nephew Ryan.

25.make a living doing what i love to do