translation of a Pablo Neruda sonnet

a friend sent me an email recently asking that i translate this poem by Pablo Neruda and change it enough to make it into my own piece, using my poetry writing style and what i thought the poem was trying to convey. here is my traslation. the original poem (my favorite by Neruda) follows:

I don’t love you as if you were a rose,
a topaz rainstorm in a fiery sky
I love you as you would love something dark
secretly, hidden between shadow and soul
I love you like the unbloomed flower that
withholds its beauty and light from all others
your love hides darkly in my body, the concentrated
fragrance that emits from the earth
I love you without knowing how or when or where
I only know how to love you this way:
directly, without pride, beyond the existence of either
you or i
so close that your hand upon my skin is my own
and sleep cannot consume me without taking you

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No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal,
topacioo flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
Te amo como la planta
que no florece y llevadentro de sí,
escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro
en mi cuerpoel apretado aroma
que ascendió de la tierra.
Te amo sin saber cómo,
ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,
sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

-Pablo Neruda

"we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

that quote is by Anais Nin. and it kind of sums up my thoughts recently. i have been thinking lately about how far i've come over the past few years from where i used to be, and how much i've changed. the change in my thoughts alone, has been so huge and now i finally feel like someone who has hope. who isn't so frightened of everything all the time, who tries to focus on the positive no matter what. i'm sorry, but feeling good actually feels good. and i've spent way too many years of my life feeling bad, feeling negative, feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in the misery of certain people around me that it felt like suffocating. i wanted to be free of that and i think i have finally achieved it.

sometimes i'm still suprised at how much i've accomplished that i never thought i would be able to accomplish. i never thought i'd be able to move out of my parents home and take care of and support myself, and especially for this long. i've learned some hard lessons about people, about life, about work, and about myself and feel like i've finally come to a sense of who i am. i guess it's true what people say (which i've never truly understood until now), that as you get older, the better you feel because you understand things a little more. you have some perspective and maturity, and you've suffered through a lot of things that you can now realize all were happening for a reason. to teach you something important, to get you to a certain place in your own mind. it suddenly all seems to make perfect sense.

i used to feel so lost, so depressed and hopeless. never in a million years would i imagine that i would have a good group of friends in my life who are incredibly supportive, be at a friendly level with coworkers who used to terrify me, be able to make eye contact and smile more often even on bad days, and be able to hold my emotions at bay when they threaten to overwhelm me. it's a hard thing to learn how to be professional, and deal with personal matters on your own time. i like feeling better about life, and more open to people, and more accepting of other's differences, and more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst right away. i used to be so impatient and judgemental, but i'm seeing this part of myself change, and it's a relief to me to feel more peaceful in my own heart.

i've always been aware and grateful for all the blessings in my life, and now even more i can see how abundant and beautiful life is, with all the things it holds for me to still discover. there's no feeling like forming a new friendship with someone and getting their take on the world, or doing something different to break your routine, or reading an amazing book, or listening to music you've never heard before and getting a glimpse of the singer's view of the world, or reading a friend's writing and discovering a whole other side of them you never knew, or creating a piece of art or writing that is all your own, or having that experience of someone opening up to you and trusting you.

all those little things can feel like miracles, if you stop to take note of them. the world becomes a very different place when you change your perspective. i still have my bad days and sad days, but i know that there's another way to feel, and i don't get stuck in one state of mind. i know it passes and i can get out of it and feel better again.

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for."

i found that quote on this website the other day: http://www.astrologyandbeyond.com/weekly.cfm?pageName=cancer, and it really struck me. it was said by Sir John Lubbock. it's really worth pondering.

just wanted to mention that i read what is probably the single most inspiring book i have ever gotten my hands on in my life. it's written mostly for women, but i think anyone can benefit from it's message. it has a really dumb title 'god on a harley'(please don't let that fool you)and it's by joan brady. i don't even remember how i came across this book from researching another book online a long time ago, but the reviews always stayed in my head. people claimed this book had changed their lives and that they had bought several copies for friends who had thanked them for doing so. it's a really short book and cheap. i got my copy at barnes and nobles for $6.99. i'm giving it to my couisn tomorrow, because i think she will really benefit from it's message. it's a spiritual book, but not preachy, and doesn't cater to any particular religion, just a sense of a higher power than us. i recommend this book VERY HIGHLY to anyone who needs a bit of inspiration in their lives. it gave me this sense of peace inside me like nothing else ever has.

read the reviews if you need further convincing:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671002783/sr=1-1/qid=1153890525/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7277992-3224851?ie=UTF8&s=books

poem i wrote today at work

being meager and hollow
is torture
if I could I would
turn you around
let you shift
and tremble instead of see inside
your lack of will
your doubt
ambivalence
i’d make the day soft and malleable
for worn fingers to
mold and hold before slipping through
saying goodbye
you warned me and I failed to heed
in that time and place
you knew me and I continued to
hide my face

God's little gifts

this picture was taken on my birthday at my mother's house. my nephew was there and i got to spend a lot of time with him. there were not too many people there to fight over who got to hold him next, so i finally got a chance to feed him and burp him and feel his little breaths as he took a nap with his head on my shoulder. it was sweet. i heard somewhere that it's good luck to hold a baby on your birthday, though i don't know where that superstition originates.

i went to another origami class after work today, taught by my friend, the married guy who seems to want to get too close at times. sometimes we're emailing each other and it's cool and everything and he'll even mention his wife and daughter, but other times it gets a bit sketchy like when he told me he got me a birthday gift and it was too bad that i had missed a previous class or he could've given it to me. and there was that time when i said i might have had to work late and he sent me this Word file to read titled 'fidelity is a personality trait' in case i got bored. i never got around to opening it since i was too busy but i think i may still have the email. i'm going to have to read it just out of curiosity. i keep forgetting.

and today when i was talking about waiting for the right person to come along instead of stressing out over finding a relationship, he comes out of left field with this nonsense about people being attracted to people they don't want to be attracted to and it being a battle between the intellect and feelings. it had nothing at all to do with what i was saying. so at the class today he gave me my birthday gift, a CD by PJ Harvey, 'stories from the city, stories from the sea' which i've read really excellent reviews for. so i'm looking forward to listening to it. he has pretty good taste in mustic. but there's something weird about accepting a gift from a coworker who is married. maybe it's just me.

i find it ironic and inappropriate that instead of getting a gift for my birthday from the guy i was presumably dating, i get one instead from a married coworker friend who i'm trying to keep at arm's length.

so i had some retail therapy today and i felt alot better. i bought a pretty blue plaid mini skirt and two tops (one for going out and one for work.)though it's really not a good time to go shopping. for my sister's 30th birthday, my cousin wants to buy her a coach bag, which i'm really not in the budget for, but luckily she's going to be flexible with the time in which i pay her back for my half. sometimes i wish my sister didn't have such expensive taste. and it also kind of irks me that my cousin didn't get me anything for my birthday, but she's going all out for my sister. i'm in the financial hole again, especially since i had to send my parents money because my dad is in danger of getting laid off again. the money woes never seem to end. they keep sending him home because there's too little work to do- or so they say. i still need to buy a pink outfit as well, since my sister wants all ladies dressed in pink at her party, and i don't own anything pink.

soon i'll be moving to another cubicle at work with the rest of the analysts, and i can't wait. it's always nice to have a change of scenery when the day to day work environment gets too stale. and the other perks are that the new location will be far from the boss's office and much closer to the bathroom, which is good for me since i tend to go about 100 times a day. my desk right now is so far from the bathroom that i feel like i waste a good 20-30 minutes a day just walking back and forth. let me go now and try to get some sleep if the neighbors decide to be good tonight. i really need to catch up on sleep. i feel exhausted.

i'm always swimming against the flow of the tide

i wrote this a little earlier today at work (except for the postscript):

For along time when I was living at home, I kept this fortune from a fortune cookie taped on my vanity mirror which read ‘ a patient heart is never disappointed.’ But I still remember clearly the day that I couldn’t take waiting anymore. I started looking for apartments online and packed all my things, ripped the fortune off my mirror, threw it out and vowed to go after the life I longed for. To stop sitting idly by while my life swiftly passed me by. I took each rejection from prospective roommates (I would’ve lived anywhere at that point, apartment size and roommate didn’t matter so much) as personally as a rejection from a lover. I would get forlorn and lie in bed and play ‘can’t cry these tears’ by garbage loudly on my stereo. of course I was much more immature in those days. Until the day someone finally decided to take me on as their roommate. That situation lasted 4 months, but it taught me a lot. Competition for apartments in Hoboken is fierce, especially in the summer, especially for those who can’t afford to live on their own and must find a roommate to live with.

And I learned something along the way: no matter how much you want something to happen, you simply cannot force it or it will never work. you can’t anticipate or have expectations. You can’t chase after it. You just have to wait and let it happen. There is just no other way. now is when I’m realizing this. no matter how badly you want or feel you deserve something, you just have to sit back and wait until the universe decides it’s the right time. The only problem is, I am the least patient person you can ever imagine. I hate waiting for anything. it really irritates me. that’s why I think I’d never be suited to having children, for which you need to have infinite patience. I think I get this from my father. He has very little patience too, and something of a short fuse. I don’t know how he got through raising my sister and me. but I guess that’s as good a reason as any as to why I shouldn’t fear having kids so much. I try to change my mind about it, but it remains the same.

The point is, life is not fair. And the sooner you accept this, the less misery you will feel. It makes me crazy how people who don’t seem to deserve it have the thing that I want and have worked so hard for. How is it that someone who is 27 with a 7 year old child (a coworker) gets to have this gorgeous man on her arm, and I remain single? Was it wrong what I was told growing up? to be good and focus on school work and let nothing get in the way of that and happiness with a relationship will come later? Will come eventually? How much longer to I need to wait? How much harder do I have to work only to have no one to call when I get home? no one to spend my weekends with? how many more disgusting remarks will I have to hear out at bars or from passing cars, or from disgusting married men hitting on me before I can have that normal relationship? I don’t want to be someone who is seeking this out their whole lives. I’d rather give up altogether, and focus my life elsewhere.

Now it’s just a matter of trying to find something else to focus on until my ship finally comes in. its weird how much of life can seem like killing time while you are trying to ‘cope’ with it all. I used to be one of those people who really enjoyed things, and now that person seems lost. And it’s hard to get her back with everyone vying for your time and attention all the time. Its hard to feel centered the way I used to, and ready to face the world.


..
my mother's words on the phone earlier tonight are a comfort to me. she said to relax and be calm, that god knows what he's doing, and that what is coming for me will come no matter what. when someone is for me, no one and nothing will take him away. she said that she who laughs last always laughs best, and that what's mine is on it's way to me. those are the words i really needed to hear right now.

sad

i am sad. part of me feels dead inside. don't know what else to do. found myself wishing today that i never met a particular person, just so i wouldn't know what i was missing out on now. but i wouldn't erase the past couple of months for the whole world. i was really actually, blissfully happy.

my home is in my mind

i passed by a restaurant that's right next to the entrance for my job and saw that (title of post) written on the back of this dark long-haired guy's t-shirt. he sat with his back to the window as if he were proclaiming it to all the world. wish i'd had my camera.

my coworker in another department with whom i sometimes share emails when i'm bored posed these interesting questions to me today:

"Okay, you’re going to a desert island for 2-3 months and you can only bring 5 CD’s, 5 books and the island’s chef will prepare any of 5 different dishes anytime you need them. No matter what you pick it will be perfectly nutritious. So what 5 dishes would you pick? Bonus: For an extra $5 the island theatre will show any of 5 movies you pick – popcorn is free."

here was my response:

5 CDs (only 5??)- Garbage (Garbage), Version 2.0, Bleed Like Me, Blondie (Blondie), and Blondie (Parallel Lines)

5 books- ‘writing down the bones’ by Natalie Goldberg, ‘aura’ by carlos Fuentes, ‘a midsummer night’s dream’ by William Shakespeare, ‘fruits’ and ‘fresh fruits’ (japanese street fashion photography)

5 dishes- pastelitos (Spanish desserts that are sweet with meat inside, yum!), my mom’s breaded chicken and yellow rice, pizza, oriental chicken salad wrap from applebees (I love that!), and um…glazed doughnut holes

5 movies- Sheakespeare in Love, A Perfect Murder, Jawbreaker, To Die For, and Secretary

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i never had a friendship with a married man who has a family before, it's making me kind of uncomfortable. but he's really cool so it's nice to have someone else at work to talk to on those boring days. and today sure was one of those.

i finally heard back from my landlady today. she asked me how the noise has been. i said it's still here it but it's not as loud as before. though it did wake me up a couple of times again last night. she said to give it a week and call her back next monday and let her know how it's been because tenants are not to make noise after 10pm!! as it clearly states in our lease. she says because they are new tenants maybe they are not aware, and that they would be or had been spoken to. she's a little hard to understand since she's old and a little out of it. she said if the noise did not lessen by monday that she would give them a 30 day notice (from what i could make out). so i'm guessing that's some sort of warning? she said to call her monday either way, so i definitely plan to do that even though it will be my birthday. i'm so glad someone finally took this seriously.

birthday blues

i always hate planning my birthday because it ends up like every new year's eve. i never end up doing what i want to do and don't have much fun. last year i was a wreck at my birthday outings, but only in the after dinner 'partying' aspects of it. so i think i'd be better off just going to dinner and then going home. i know that's probably not what the majority will want to do, but i'm just over the going out and drinking thing. it's really not fun anymore. i don't feel that i should be on the prowl for guys, or getting drunk like i used to be. it's not in me anymore and it has nothing to do with recent events in my life. this has been a long time coming.

i feel simply too old to be out at bars drinking every weekend. it's lost its fun and even my once favorite drinks just taste bad to me. i haven't done the things i usually do in the summertime either, like going to see free shakespeare plays in the park, or going to museums or spending the day in the city. i'll probably get to do those things. but for now i'm not really in the mood to celebrate turning 27. i am just not up for it. maybe it has to do with pms, or just getting older. i'm not sure. but i would prefer to have things be low-key this year.

on my actual birthday, july 10, i'll be going to see my parents in staten island, and i told my mother to tell my sister to go too so i can see my nephew. i miss him a lot. they actually had a barbeque today, a small gathering, at my mother's house. but she didn't call me because she assumed i had other plans. i wanted to spend today at home relaxing, since i have work tomorrow. i spent most of the day in bed asleep, which apparently i really needed because i woke up feeling much more rested than i have in a long time. the neighbors are still noisy, but the past few nights i've been able to at least fall asleep. so maybe they are attempting to be quieter. i can only hope. the ironic thing was that they were so quiet this past friday night when it didn't matter if they were noisy because i didn't have to get up early for work the next day. it figures.

i've been so distracted with thoughts during my meditations lately that i can't seem to get the most out of the meditation sessions. it's not relaxing me the way it used to. and i'm having one of those weird days where i feel like i've lost my sense of self again. like i had a whole free day today and i couldn't find my desire to write, or to read, or to watch my favorite movies, or anything. i was also kind of down because of a brief shopping trip i took yesterday after work. i must have tried on 100 things, but nothing looked right on me, and i was disgusted by how fat i looked in the dressing room mirrors. i need to do something even though i hate exercise and love sweet foods. i can't keep going on at this rate. i need to stop eating. and find some way to get exercise in this hot weather.

while trying on clothes, i felt like my best physical days were behind me, and i was suddenly gaining some unwelcome, middle-aged woman weight that would never go away. i don't know if it was all in my head. but i decided to stop obsessing, to wear whatever for my birthday celebrations and not take it all so seriously. no matter what you do, someone else always looks better anyway. and that's what i struggle to get around. i will never be as thin and tiny as my size 2 friends who look great in everything, so i'm going to have to get over it.

'they never thought
that i'd be 27..
and a let down!'

-bif naked