my day job versus my passion

my day job allows for very little, if any, creativity and thought. the most i will have to do is create a spreadsheet, diagram, or summarize meeting notes. not very thrilling. and now with our not getting our pay raises until april, it kind of sucks to be working so hard and having benefits go up which are taken from our checks and not have our raises to balance things out. i would have rather had my annual raise then the company throwing us a christmas party. i think anyone would have agreed to that.

if i had it my way, i would get paid to write all day. write whatever i want to, poems, plays, essays, blogs, articles. who knows. maybe i would even attempt a book. i would take writing courses, join critique groups, maybe self publish a poetry chapbook. writing is my passion and it would be nice to live my days just doing that. i think i would be in my element. completely happy and using my mind in a creative way and it would be relaxing at the same time.

another great thing about writing is the solitude. the slowing down and inner reflection. these things are impossible in a bright, harsh, sometimes loud office setting filled with electronic devices. in this setting there are often annoying personalities sitting in close proximity to you, allowing you precious little time to really think, to get your work done properly without distractions, and to get at least 2 things done without the phone ringing off the hook. writing for a living would be like playtime. light and carefree, solitary and peaceful. but still prodcutive and engaging and fun.

i want a room with a view, a room of my own, was that virginia wolf who first created that concept? that being all that a woman really needs for writing? i can't seem to think right today. maybe because of being medicated in order to deal with the state of my life. that's the saddest thing of all. i used to be so happy and at ease and at peace with myself and my place in the world. now i am all over the place and it doesn't feel right. it's sitting there below the surface just waiting for my proper attention to it. it's hard to explain. maybe my shadow self is slowly trying to take over...