the insights of my mind, a search for meaning and poetry and beauty in life. a way to manage my thoughts and emotions, and a place to string words together in a pretty way..
this is part of the journal entry i wrote in my paper journal this morning at 12:48am:
i love freedom. the freedom to be able to come and go as i please. the freedom of long stretches of time with nothing to do and no where to be. the freedom of not having anyone to answer to but myself, the freedom to read or sleep or watch movies, or eat. the freedom to sit on a train on a nice day and look out the window. the freedom to take pictures and listen to music, and write- no matter what time it is.
my body is sore and i'm tired, but there is still so much i want to do. luckily, i have the whole day free tomorrow. today i voluntarily went into the city, something i have not done in a long while. i went to the free market at madison square park which was from 12-3, but i ended up only staying about an hour.
it helps when i feel sad or alone, to go out into the world and observe people and listen to them talk or just go about their lives. there's a certain comfort in that. we are all the same. we are all just human beings, no one greater or lesser than anyone else, just trying to make our way in the world.
1. bubble baths with lavender scented bath foam
2. my boyfriend stopping by my cubicle today unexpectedly to chat
3. inspirational books - i'm currently reading '1,000 journals project' by someguy
4. fiji water
5. anything fleece that keeps me warm in the winter
6. a couple of upcoming days of warmer weather
7. lavender scented candles
8. being able to exercise
9. being able to dream, and remember dreams
10. leaving for work early and coming home early to avoid crowds
11. neighbors who receive packages for you and hold them for you to pick up when you get home
12. free coffee drinks at work, and free filtered cold and hot water
13. the beautiful 'joy mini necklace' by danarebeccadesigns that my boyfriend gave me for valentine's day! see pics..
notice how tiny and delicate it is here, worn by mila kunis
1. my new apartment. i moved to the top floor of my building and it's so quiet :) i can actually relax, read, and meditate and watch movies and sleep peacefully, and even finally use my nature noise machine before bed. it's great!
2. the possibility of changing jobs, i have an upcoming interview and i really want this new job.
3. the weather being warm tomorrow! i hate the cold
4. getting in 20 minutes of brisk walking today after work, i got off a stop early on the train.
5. the vanilla tea my mom brought over this past weekend. just had a cup and it was great.
6. having my own apartment to look forward to coming home too, which is comfortable and warm
7. the privilege of reading a new book in bed, and going to bed early, and writing when the mood strikes, and exercising, and sleeping in on the weekends, and hoping/planning for a great future.
8.(bonus) my great mood (and energy to do my laundry) today after my walk.
1. my boss probably won't be in the office tomorrow 2. my moment of complete contentment after a nice relaxing weekend while i watched 'sleeping beauty' on dvd sunday night. 3. having my computer back to normal after my bf destroyed the virus that was on it for a couple of days. 4. the suspense novel i'm reading as it's been entertaining so far, it's called 'shadow of your smile' by mary higgins clark. my mom just finished it and let me borrow it. 5. online shopping for little gifts for myself 6. getting out of work at 3pm next Friday- and upcoming holiday off for memorial day 7. home delivery service of my groceries. 8. feeling happy and grateful for my life, my boyfriend who loves me and my family. 9. hot showers and cups of tea 10.the peace and privacy/comfort of my apartment
sleeping beauty was one of my sister and my favorite movies when we were little. we watched it so many times and it always brings me back to being a little girl
1. having the first draft of my book review written (for a friend's fashion mag)
2. special k chocolate protein shakes
3. apple blossom green tea
4. this inspiring short video/poem i found today in a blog comment (not this blog obviously!) http://www.thedashmovie.com/
5. getting a day off from work in two weeks
6. the bonus i'm getting at work on friday
7. getting to wear jeans on friday to work - since i gave $10 to japan earthquake relief efforts
8. being able to resist the temptation of having chicken fried rice all this week for dinner. i should really give myself a cheat meal so i don't feel deprived.
things i love
-my new house of harlow 1960 sideways key necklace- (surprisingly affordable and fast, free shipping!)
see pics:
-chewable omega3 vitamins
-drinking large amounts of water in one sitting
-slow work days
-paring down my wardrobe of excess
-fashion magazines (lucky, nylon, people stylewatch)
-fashion blogs (the budgetbabe, fashiontoast, thestylespy.com – a great new one I discovered -http://livingflyonadime.com which is all about thrift store shopping.
-netflix movies when there's nothing on tv (which is always)
-coming home to a nice private apartment
-a flavored coffee or dunkachino or an apple green tea on a chilly morning
-not having to have a big dinner (or meat) when i get home if i don't feel like it because no one tells me what to eat
-a new purse
-eating healthy and how i feel afterwards
-my new silky pajamas from victoria's secret
-fridays
-saving more money than i spend
-going somewhere i've never been to
-trying something new to eat, or a new restaurant/cafe
-meeting unique people
-photography blogs
-my ipod
-getting to see my nephew and sister and parents tomorrow night for dinner
-the ability to download e books, especially when they're free!
-the freedom to reinvent myself in every way at any time through the following: clothes, hair, makeup, attitude, body
-this old, romantic song which takes me back to the totally different mindset of my high school self:
"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
~Confucius
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
~Albert Einstein
7 things i'm grateful for
1. having enough money for survival and for a few extra pleasures
2. having a close family
3. poetry (to read and to listen to)
4. that spring is coming soon (i hope!)
5. a meditation group that meets on monday nights in hoboken that i can go to when the weather improves. I have to start dedicating myself to meditation again.
6. days when my boss is not in the office
7. living in a more spacious, quieter apartment
8 (bonus) hot water and more than enough food
This past weekend I was helping my boyfriend move to a new place on Sunday and thinking about change and how constant it is, how important adapting is. but there is also a freedom in that. I’ve learned that only recently. it’s ok to risk things, risk living in a new place, risk taking a new job, etc. there is no reason to think things are set in stone. you can make another choice and improve the situation you are in. we are lucky enough to have choices, and that should be recognized. I can move if I want go, travel, go to someplace new, volunteer, try new things to eat, meet new people, wander and explore. It’s really an extraordinary thing and an idea that I think I’m still getting used to, even though I’ve been on my own for so long and not living with my parents.
It’s a strange feeling, almost scary, like people who think driving is scary because of the absolute freedom and control that it gives you. I still have to remind myself sometimes, I have to give myself permission to be myself, to do the things I want to do without worrying about someone standing over my shoulder telling me not to do this or that. it’s a weird feeling, to be out in the world without direction (except from your own mind/heart/intuition), with the responsibility to bring structure and meaning to your life being completely your own. I think we assume other people are way more concerned with our actions and life then they actually are.
people get over the shock of things, they adjust, they have no choice. if I were to change the course of my life, no one else would ultimately be helped or hurt but me. it’s not like anyone else knows my heart and what I truly want out of my days. They would just have to accept whatever I choose to do. It’s not like anyone is out there holding me back, except maybe myself and my own fears of failure. It is a daily struggle but I strive to remain positive. I strive to keep developing until I ultimately come to know who I am, and feel comfortable being who I am.
title of this post came from the blondie song 'detroit 442'-
and another cool tune, for the bohemian in us all:
1. being off from work this week! not working is so great, wake up whenever you want, go to sleep whenever you want. relax. watch movies, read, sleep!
2. the wonderful christmas gifts i got from bf: a whole collection of poetry writing books in pdf form that i can load onto my e reader and read all day today, plus the poet's market book for 2011 and an old volume of poetry by emily dickenson.
3. home delivery of groceries! this is the best idea ever as i hate grocery shopping so much.
4. internet shopping. when i run out of perfume or something, all i have to do is head over to sephora.com
5. i spent some time yesterday decluttering old paperwork from my bookshelf. there is more empty space in it now which is great
6. my new bed sheet set and comforter, a christmas gift from my mom. it has kept me cozy and warm on these days off.
7. getting paid on friday after having spent the week at home. that is really nice.
8. (bonus) not having to go out and trudge through the snow for any reason. love that!
1. days of from work
2. minimalism and fashion blogs that are updated frequently
3. tasty cereal
4. the good feeling after exercise
5. realizing that something i own is clutter and getting rid of it
6. having a heated place to live and sleep
7. the power of music to shift your mood
8. (bonus) the possibility of moving to a new apartment and being in new surroundings, which is always refreshing.
a very interesting video- everett comes across way more likable in person than he does in his blog - farbeyondthestars.com
1. it's not cold! today it was 60 degrees in NYC!
2. got a little grocery shopping done today
3. had a very delicious dinner tonight that i cooked myself :)
4. the long weekend is coming up and i get to sleep in!
5. my boss is still being nice to me (the other shoe hasn't dropped yet, what a relief).
6. having my adorable bf to hang out with, drink wine and watch movies like 'a streetcar named desire' with on saturday nights.
7. my sony e-reader and e books. i feel like this is always on my list, but it's really great! definitely portable enough to commute with which i love.
8. bonus- got most of my christmas shopping done already. yes!
1. 'mop' leave in conditioner, which makes my hair look and feel amazing! 2. scented body wash. right now i'm using one called 'secret charm.' i forgot what brand it is 3. the end of the contant rainstorms that have been plaguing us all week long, just in time for the weekend. no more bad hair days! 4. the new jewelry making book my boyfriend suprised me with. i've been meaning to take up some kind of craft for a while. it's called 'bead on a wire' and we are going shopping tonight for my toolkit. yay :) 5. the fact that my boss wasn't a pain to me this week, i think a week of vacation must have mellowed her out a bit 6. that i got a chance to catch up on sleep last night and today 7. having watched the 7 spritiual laws of success by deepak chopra dvd this week, and having more to watch, next one is coming on monday from netflix. it's called 'Deepak Chopra: The Happiness Prescription' 8. (bonus) that i get a chance to wear my new dress tonight from http://www.shopruche.com/:
1. being in a strangely energetic, optimistic, good mood all day. i was overdue! 2. catching up on sleep and rest this weekend 3. the music on my ipod 4. having a job and living on my own 5. the fact that i will once again be an aunt, my sister is pregnant :) 6. being able to wear a dress to work today since it was warm out 7. that school isn't in session yet so the trains are not crowded 8. my boss's upcoming vacation on the week of sept. 20th 9. the black handbag that was in my drawer at work that i just rediscovered 10. fashion blogs that i can read at work (where the websites are not blocked) 11. my sony e-reader 12. the leather jacket i bought last month, probably the best thing i ever bought to wear 13. my choice to turn the TV off at 7:30pm today and download the book, "If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You by Kelly Cutrone and Meredith Bryan."
this book so far is really excellent. it's hard to stop reading it. kellycutrone owns her own PR company called people's revolution, and she's had her own reality show (which i've never seen) and has appeared on shows like the hills (which i haven't seen either), but i really like her story. she came to NYC fresh out of college and with barely any know how and no contacts or connections, she founded her own company and followed her intuition to make her dreams a reality. kind of reminds me of madonna's story, except that kelly came to NYC with something like $2,484 and madonna only had i think $37.
kelly's writing style is very persuasive and entertaining and she asks the tough questions, like how have you been able to hear your own inner voice over that of the media, your family, society, etc.? and are those things you've been told to want, really what your soul is telling you that you want? her story about having it all and then breaking down just to rebuild herself is so inspiring. right now i'm at the chapter titled 'it's not a breakdown, it's a breakthrough' and i can't wait to read the rest and see how she prospers when everything falls apart for her.
i hope this good mood i'm in lasts the rest of the week!
inspiring quote of the day from this site-http://www.deeshan.com/ (the Meditation Tip of the Day)
You are really rich when you accept yourself as you are, when you are contented with what you have
1. i still have some time to lose weight before my family cruise 2. i had a good workout today, cardio and pilates arm sculpting 3. i have my bf back :) 4. the beautiful new jade bracelet i got from the bf for our anniversary 5. air conditioning 6. clean water to drink and to bathe with 7. having my own apartment and a bedroom in which i can close the door 8. ear plugs 9. all the interesting reading material online 10. free workout videos on youtube 11. my sony electronic reader 12. my family 13. getting the most important things on my to-do list done today 14, getting a chance to write this list and think about all i'm grateful for 15. books and magazines so i can read in bed 16. coffee 17. my comfy new bed
here are a couple of pics i took at the cross formation of beams found at Ground Zero 2 days after the world trade center attacks on 9/11/01. i pass by it every day on my way to work. it's a humbling reminder of the fragility of life and to not take anything for granted and be grateful every day.
affirmations are something that i could never really get into, but i suppose they do work for some people. you have to have discipline to remember to tell them to yourself. i saw a show last night on TV about people who have won lotteries and how it changed their lives. there was one guy who was reading a book about positive thinking, when he noticed an ad in the paper for a raffle. the raffle was $150 to enter to win a choice of one of two houses, or $1 million in cash. and he ended up winning and choosing the money.
there was another man on the same show who had an affirmation written on his bathroom mirrors. it said something to the effect of 'you are looking at the source of all your happiness.' i found that to be really interesting and really profound. i think affirmations work a lot like gratitude, in that you choose to focus on the positive, instead of lamenting over the negative state of things in your life. you change your focus and expect the good things. and being thankful for the good things is always attracting more of those good things into your life.
when i say my prayers, i usually thank God for all of my blessings, because i know i am fortunate and i don't take things for granted. it's not good to pray just to ask god for help, you need to thank him as well for all he has done for you. i am healthy and have a good job, a wonderful family, a lovely and loving boyfriend, i'm making more friends every day and getting more confident, i know where my next meal is coming from, i have a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep, i am able to support myself, all these things are blessings and there are so many more. i expect to always be taken care of by God, i expect good things and happy experiences and positive people, so that has to be my experience. i will not settle for less.
1. hot showers 2. netflix (especially in winter) 3. tomorrow it'll be one day until friday 4. a warm bed to sleep in 5. new books 6. have only 3 sessions left for my course 7. shows like 'bank of mom and dad' and 'clean house' (though 'clean sweep' on was a show with much less annoying hosts) 8. (bonus) blogs like 'zen habits'
i've been reading a lot lately, some interesting books like 'going green;true tales from gleaners, scavengers, and dumpster divers.' i'mfascinated by the idea that people can find things in the trash and sell them for a profit. and the essays in the book are insightful in their thoughts about american consumerism and waste, and taking things for granted instead of trying to reuse and appreciate what we have and help the environment at the same time. i've also been reading 'the queen of clean conquers clutter'. when i look at my reading habits and the shows i like watching, it seems i should pursue a career in organization of people's homes, managing their finances, or working for a goodwill shop.
i remember reading once about a guy who worked in a used book store and found all kinds of interesting things in the books that people brought in to sell, like photographs, letters, drawings, notes, bookmarks of all kinds, etc. some things were really mysterious. i think that was part of the book 'found' which shows random things that people have found everywhere and every place imaginable. i gave away that book in a hobokenfreecycle exchange and kind of regret it now.
i can't wait for my parents to have their big moving out sale, just to see how much money they end up making just from things and samples of stuff discarded and left for the trash where my mom works. she brings me all kinds of pajamas and clothes and socks all the time, and has furnished a whole room for my nephew in her house, just with those cast offs. it's pretty crazy.
i can totally understand how some people develop shopping addictions. i was having a shitty day and just buying a new purse was able to make me happy and turn my mood right around. i can see how that could easily get out of hand, so i remain vigilant and responsible in my spending. it must come from the constant fear of worrying that i may lose my job, and will need to have enough money saved up to carry me through until finding a new one. i also make sure to continually weed out my wardrobe and things to let go of what can be donated to charity.
the next book i ordered from amazon is 'Mongo: Adventures in Trash' by Ted Botha. mongo is supposed to be slang for anything reusable that was thrown out in NYC and recovered by someone else. i can't wait for it to come in the mail!
Aloneness is a flower, a lotus blooming in your heart. Aloneness is positive, aloneness is health. It is the joy of being yourself. It is the joy of having your own space. Meditation means: bliss in being alone.
2. get a bonus of $10 from one of the directors at work for the help i gave him on some projects he didn't have time to get to. so now i can buy myself a nice cool mocha latte tomorrow :)
3. get a pretty copper hair barrett as a gift from a sales rep at work who bought it on a trip he just got back from
4. this friday is payday. so i can buy another electronic book! i'm almost done with eat, pray, love
5. my boss approving my time off request for monday 8/31 (verbally at least)
that afternoon when it was raining and he was painting. i should have been writing. instead of drifting off to sleep yet again. it could be the medication i'm on. making me gain weight and making me sleepy all the time. unable to find my interest in things again. it's frustrating. but if i get off of it, i worry about the anxiety returning. and i wonder if i'll become too anxious to eat again. once you have had anxiety severe enough to have panic attacks, it's hard to imagine ever going back to any kind of normalcy.
i always feel better in the summer. i sat on the train the other day on my way to work, listening to music and watching the morning sunlight glistening through the window, above the heads of the passengers sitting in front of me. and i felt so much gratitude fill my heart. gratitude for having a job to go to. gratitude that boss would be out of the office. gratitude for having good music to listen to. gratitude for my family who loves me. gratitude that i wasn't all bundled up and cramped on the train with a bunch of school kids carrying their huge backpacks. gratitude for being alive. i love those moments. i felt serene, whole, and happy.
i know that i need more motivation. i want to have a body that's fit and in shape, but i need to find motivation to exercise. i need to remember that now is my chance. once the winter comes then i'll be stuck inside most of the time. and the opportunity won't be there as much. i hate the feeling that summer is slipping by. i wish it could never end. i wish it could go on forever. and i could feel inspired and happy, people watching during my lunch hour at the park, by the seaport, getting a chance to look at the water and the river without feeling cold. i feel like there's so much to write about. but reading is easier. i feel like there's so much to do, but i get paralyzed and overwhelmed by all the choices and options.
i know i need to make a first step, towards a life without regret, towards a youth that i will remember fondly, towards a life that's waiting for me to jump in and live it.
1. taking today off of work and relaxing 2. having a fun day yesterday with my bf at the open studio day at monroe center in hoboken 3. not having to worry about more rain when i go to class tomorrow 4. applesauce 5. having clear skin and going out without makeup 6. fashion photography books, magazines and web sites 7. feeling rested and having time (and quiet) for meditation 8. (bonus)- getting my laundry done today
i just finished reading a book called 'wings of joy' by SriChinmoy. i definitely recommend it, it was very inspiring and fun to read.
1. for the new laundry machines in my building, since there were none before.
2. for a week off from copyediting class next week
3. for my CD of ocean wave sounds
4. that i'll have the chance to go to sleep early tonight
5. that i don't have to cook since i have leftovers that my mom made.
6. for chocolate chip cookies
7. for my health, senses, clothes, parents, job, freedom, apartment, creative abilites, music, and coupons that come in the mail from victoria's secret for free underwear, lol
