mom and dad's little girl

for parents, a child never grows up. for example, my mom gave me some peace sign earrings this past christmas because she said she knew i liked the peace sign. i was into wearing peace signs when i was about 11 years old. but i will always be a little girl to her and my father, and so will my sister, no matter how old we get. it's a bit bazaar. but it's the truth. to my mom i'm still the girl who loves to watch scary movies, even though that has dramatically changed since i started to live alone. i feel like i change and they have no idea how much or what parts of me are altered. but it doesn't matter.

i'm still the same little girl they nurtured, even though i'm nearing 30. and i doubt anything will ever change that. maybe it's my own fault for moving out and keeping them out of the loop, for not calling on a daily basis. though that's not the same as living with someone everyday and watching them go through changes.

it's weird to grow up and see your parents as people. regular people who are a part of your family, not super heroes, not protectors from the world, just people like you trying to figure out their lives. trying to help you as much as possible along the way. i have been lucky to have my parents stay together, and feel the security of going to their home. and that is a blessing that i do not take for granted. although it is a comfort, i can't completely rely on it. i have to trust myself to carry on and be strong and stand on my own two feet, take responsibility for things no matter how much i wish i could hide under the covers and hide from the world.

i wanted to do exactly that today, but there is work to come to, and life to figure out and i try to take one day at a time, so as not to overwhelm myself. so i think i have to try to lighten up more, not be so introspective, seek out fun and interesting people to fill my mind with new ideas, and try not to isolate myself so much. nothing can be gained without some risk, and getting to know more people can only be beneficial. it can teach me more about myself. i just have to get out of my own way, and overcome those underlying social fears.