merry christmas eve

back to work

i can't say how much i already miss my freedom to not have to go to work. it would be different if i felt like it was ok to be myself. i get scared when i think that i've forgotten who i am, but in reality, i know who i am. i'm just afraid to be that person for fear of other's disapproval. other people expect me to want marriage and children, but the reality is that i still feel like a child myself. and i start to wonder, am i weird to not aggressively pursue those things? is my life meaningless if i don't? i know my boyfriend and family love me, but i just wish i could be who i am without my family constantly questioning me.

i start to wonder if i'm silly for wanting to stay home alone and make collages, play with paint, play with words and write poetry and journal entries. i still don't feel a certain level of maturity in my head i guess. i want simplicity more than anything. i want to live in a warm climate where i don't have to be sequestered n my apartment for months at a time feeling depressed. its amazing what the spring/summer does to my mood. i feel lighthearted and free and happy. but winter, with it's early darkness and freezing cold just makes me feel terrible about everything. everything seems more difficult and more unpleasant. and all i want is to make sense of my life again.

i want to know that it's ok to be me, and to do things in my own time when i feel ready.

i want my job situation to be settled. right now i can manage the work but i don't want anything to complicate that. i see other people and they are carefree and calm and i wonder why i get myself so worked up. and over silly things. the winter won't last forever. i am still capable of good/absorbing writing in the future if i allow myself that luxury. i can still move someplace quieter and be able to meditate daily and improve my peace of mind immensely that way. i can still try to find another job that is closer to home and eliminate my stressful commute. i guess sometimes it's hard to really see and realize the possibilities for my life. it doesn't have to be decided on by other people, and be stuck on me like clothes that are too tight to be comfortable. i'm still free to create the life that i want, regardless of what other people may or may not say about it.

random pic i took in a pulic bathroom -midtown NYC

i love good news/stories of kindness

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45603068/ns/today-good_news/

my jewelry inventory

i got rid of a few discolored jewelry pieces tonight. that's what i get for always buying fake and costume pieces i guess. my gold hoop earrings were all discolored as well as a few other cheap pieces i've bought here and there. and even though i got rid of some of them i still have 108 pieces of jewelry! this is funny because i could never make it to owning just 100 things all together like a lot of minimalists try to do. a lot of the jewelry i have i received as gifts from family so it's hard to let it go even though i hardly wear any of it. a lot of it is just excess. here is the final breakdown i counted while i was bored:

33 pairs of earrings
13 bracelets
15 rings
3 anklets
35 necklaces
9 pendants (loose)

total- 108!

unbelievable!

practicing being

an interesting video-

inspiring

love this post,

http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/2011/11/mrblue.html

and this one too, silly and sweet

http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/2011/08/say-something-nice.html

songs from my power walk

so haunting..



and i don't believe it..



like night needs morning..

feel good song of the day

now its time for coffee and exercise..

"I feel alone when I realize that no one knows I feel alone..."

i'll be going back to work on december 12, back to the hell of my same old position and boss, and i am not looking forward to it, to put it mildly. to say how i really feel would probably shock some of you, so i will hold back. it almost feels like my life is ending to have to go back to that place that actually made me feel that i was dying, and had my mind convincing me that i would die and destroying my physical health to prove the point. all i can do is try my best but i don't have high hopes. i don't understand how people overcome anxiety. it seems impossible because something so scary just doesn't leave your mind so easily. i worry about it most of the time. and it's a hard and burdensome and struggling way to live.

my parents tell me that my boss will treat me better and differently, because i  have been out on leave for so long, but i really doubt it. she is concerned with herself, how much money she makes, and very little else. she doesn't give a damn if i medicate myself or not and suffer the long term side effects of medications, like your brain losing it's ability to come up with feel good chemicals on it's own. and i'm not willing to let my health and life go to shit just to help her reach her bottom line. it's not worth it. i'd rather go scrub toilets for a living and remain sane. no matter how much i will shame my parents who put me through school. they don't know what the corporate world is like when you have a boss from hell. it makes you feel like you are a breath away from dying every second of every minute of every day. and that's just not what i signed up for when i went to college.

it really baffles me sometimes why people have children. my parents had no way of knowing that in my lifetime i would be subconsciously afraid of working in an office in new york city because it might be struck by terrorists and i might be killed. they had no way of knowing that in my lifetime, the economy would go to shit and half the county would be out of a job, making it nearly impossible for me to work in publishing, which was always my dream industry. they had no idea i would have to suffer through mean and bullying bosses and have to cope with panic attacks and medication stealing a chunk of my life away from me. they had no way of knowing, but it has all happened to me.

and i struggle to remain positive, but some days there is just nothing left, no hope or motivation for the future because everything seems bad and negative. and all i want to do is hide and escape from it, try to keep sane in a world that is unpredictable and scary. i want to ask people for help but who? if people already have jobs, they don't care about trying to help anyone else get one. i can't move back home because i will never have peace and quiet the way i used to since my parents babysit my niece and nephew all the time and they are up a 6am everyday. i can't move in with my boyfriend unless he asks me to. and i'm not even sure that's something i am ready for.

so if i end up working at some menial job or something or become underemployed, i don't know what i'm going to do, i guess take an apartment with a horrible roommate once my savings run out and i can't afford to live on my own anymore. i realize i'm catastrophizing here, but venting is one of the few things that help. i don't want any more therapy or medication, i just want a new job, any job that i can do. any job in the world that i am capable of doing, so i can continue to enjoy my independence and freedom. nothing really feels hopeful to me about my career and work life and that is really distressing, seeing as work is the place where we spend the majority of our time, and lives.