La Valse D'Amelie

i saw a ballet dance troupe perform a dance to this song from the movie 'Amelie' recently, they performed in an outdoor plaza in front of a bank near my job downtown. and something about this music just struck something deep within me, and made me feel happy and at peace the whole day




the song is called "La Valse D'Amelie"

beauty or comfort?

wow, talk about a run of bad luck. i've had a tough week to say the least, and now my computer seems to have eaten my favorite CD, Blondie by Blondie. wonderful. anyway, hopefully this ends soon and i can get back to feeling normal.

i was thinking about this question today, is it better to dress for comfort or for fashion? and it happened to be posed on the last page of the allure magazine issue i was reading. i usually dress for comfort, almost always actually. but sometimes it is fun to dress up for fashion and for feeling glamourous. some women swear by high heeled shoes, even for the workday. that's something i don't think i could ever do. i feel like i'm already tall enough and i love my comfortable flats. but once in a while, it's nice to be showy with a pair of heels, like for a party or a special night out on the town. wearing them just makes you feel different, they make you feel more graceful and feminine, give shape to your legs, and make you walk with more power and confidence. like it's a real accomplishment just be to able to walk in them! and for a little while, great heels can make you feel beautiful and sexy.

i've been longing for a pair of red ankle boots ever since i saw them on mary kate olsen in this picture. she once said that the right shoes can immediately change any outfit and make it special. even if the rest of what you are wearing is really not that impressive:

mary kate olsen, kate moss, shirley manson, debbie harry, sienna miller, (most of the time) all japanese/asian women, have the best style and are the ones i most look to for inspiration. i think because their style is unique to them, which is something that is so hard to do, to come up with your own personal look that when people see it they recognize it immediately.

heels hurt your feet and are hard to walk in, but they look fabulous. straight hair looks lovely, but it takes about an hour to get it to look right, and that's if there is zero humidity out there. sometimes i wish i could be really petitie, have smaller breasts, smaller arms, a tiny frame, so that way certain dresses and long necklaces and jewelry would look better on me, more like a statement done on purpose rather than looking like i'm trying too hard. i used to be really ok with my body and my look, but now i'm mostly trying to make do with what i have. how do these actresses get this skinny anyway? do they smoke and drink coffee all day? is that the trick? i wish i knew. i wish i could do it myself so i could feel like someone that stands out from the crowd again.

it's friday again, thank God

i'm still trying to throw out 50 things. it's been really slow going. so far this is all i have to add to my list:

16. green dress that never fit (too big)
17. black dress that never fit (too tight)
18. brown wooden heart earrings ($1 impulse buy)
19. piece of broken smoke detector i found in my closet
20. old catalogues
21. book, 'writing without the muse'

i got some new clothes from alloy.com that were shipped extremely fast so they arrived today :) so i felt better about getting rid of some older stuff. still wish i could let go of more though so that my closet can breathe. i honestly forget sometimes the clothes that i own, and then certain pieces never get worn. i'm so happy tomorrow is friday. this whole week has been so busy and i feel really tired. i think the hardest part about clearing clutter (besides clothes) is clearing my inbox of old emails. i have books filled with writing exercises, and yet i feel a need to collect even more writing exercises in a folder that i named 'journal jar' in my email inbox. and then i have another folder of inspirational quotes which i never read. and then i have older emails from friends of the past who i wish would return to my life. i tried reaching out to an old friend recently who i used to hang out with a lot but he never replied after his first reply. thought that's probably also because he was busy preparing to leave to japan for his first photography exhibition. i am so jealous. i would love to go to japan someday.

i'm still trying to lose about 5 lbs and it's getting irritating that the scale will not move. i'm 125 now and want to go down to 120. i don't feel comfortable at this weight, even if i look ok. i don't like my pants and dresses fitting tightly, and feeling like my stomach is hanging out. it's hard to eat healthy, but i am trying. i'm forcing myself. i'm drinking more water, eating more fruit, not eating too late at night, trying to keep my meals small. it's not easy. if i have vegetables and meat for dinner lets say, i get so hungry at night before bed. maybe it would help to try to get to bed earlier.

my neighbors in my apartment complex have been extremely loud tonight. it's been nothing but loud banging noises and loud talking outside, and kids running around and screaming and all this, and i'm like what the hell? when did this place turn into the circus? i really wanted to write poetry today, to post something more interesting here, but i just didn't have any inspiration. i couldn't get into that frame of mind at all. so happy that i have 2 long weekends coming up, maybe somehow i can get back to my creativity. it also doesn't help that the photographer behind joesnyc.com (nyc photo blog) has gone on a bunch of vacations and stopped posting pictures for long stretches of time. i really like going to his site each day to see the new photo, and it always makes me happy and sometimes even inspires writing. right now i think his site says that new photos will be returning september 4th. oh well

last weekend i went to see 'district 9' due to my bf's prompting. and i actually really enjoyed it more than i was expecting to. sure was different! i'm so glad project runway is back on the air with a new season. and now they have a spin off show called 'models of the runway' about the models who appear regularly on project runway. finally something to watch on tv! i think i'd rather die than watch courtney and chloe take miami.

throwing out 50 things

so with my free time at work, i like to read articles on line about home organization and decluttering. and i came across this book called 'throw out 50 things.' i forgot the author's name but i thought it sounded interesting so i started reading it at a bookstore during my lunch break. and i found the website when i got home, it's called throwoutfifitythings.com or something. if you look up that phrase in google, it's the first site that comes up. i thought it was interesting because on the web page the author has a downloadable workbook where you can type in all the 50 things you threw out individually, as a long list. this helps you to feel lighter at the end of the process when you see how much you were able to let go of and let out of your life. so i decided to try this. so far i have thrown out (or will give to my mom to donate) 15 things. here's my list so far:

My Throw-Outs-
1.old photos
2.black and white earrings (unwanted gift)
3.Peace sign earrings (unwanted gift)
4.Light pink bracelet- out of style
5.Wings of joy book
6.witch in every woman book
7.old ratty pashmina
8.old computer‘s drivers
9.relaxation book
10.ugly kitchen tablecloth that I never liked
11.Old, stained placemats
12.clothes I got tired of/don‘t fit
13.wireless router
14.old wallet
15. deck of 'uno' cards

in the process i found:

-an extra package of band aids that i will bring to the office for paper cuts. i bought a new pack for home without realizing i already had one!

-my alarm clock manual which i really needed to figure out why the alarm wouldn't go off. i finally fixed it

-a bottle of prescription medication that i used to use but still hasn't expired so it will save me money. i don't have to refill the one i have for a while

-the installation CDs for Microsoft works suite from my old computer, which i need to install onto my new computer. yes!

-a small empty box to use for jewelry storage in my dresser drawer

-lots of products that i've bought over the years to attempt to straighten my hair. have to try to let some of these go

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i also read a feng shui article about being aware of the first thing you see at you enter your home. as that is the thing that 'greets' you and any guests you have as soon as you arrive. i realized that this thing for me was the garbage can and recycling bag in my kitchen! i sure am tired of seeing that as soon as i open the door to my apartment. so i moved some things around under my sink and put the garbage can in there, and also put the bag with the recyclables behind my table and out of site. and it's nice to see more of the floor and now i can properly get to mopping it.

as i was throwing out the garbage i came across this single rose just lying across from the garbage cans on a neighbor's ledge at the side of their yard. i felt like it was so out of place and had to go back and photograph it. i wish i could be one of those people who keeps a cool photo blog. there are so many times when i wish i had my camera, and things just end up going unnoticed. and i just take a mental picture of them for myself.

not feeling great

i've gone a long time without posting, because i haven't been feeling great about myself. so i've been writing and whining more in my regular journal since i felt i had nothing of use to post on here. so i'll just post this pic of the lotus flower painting my bf made me for my birthday. it's so pretty....

meditation tip of the day

taken from http://www.deeshan.com/:

Monday 10 August 2009

Aloneness is a flower, a lotus blooming in your heart.
Aloneness is positive, aloneness is health.
It is the joy of being yourself.
It is the joy of having your own space.
Meditation means: bliss in being alone.

Osho

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7 things i'm grateful for today-

1. air conditioning

2. get a bonus of $10 from one of the directors at work for the help i gave him on some projects he didn't have time to get to. so now i can buy myself a nice cool mocha latte tomorrow :)

3. get a pretty copper hair barrett as a gift from a sales rep at work who bought it on a trip he just got back from

4. this friday is payday. so i can buy another electronic book! i'm almost done with eat, pray, love

5. my boss approving my time off request for monday 8/31 (verbally at least)

6. having time to read and relax

7. fragrant candles

eat, pray, love

i'm currently in the middle of reading 'eat, pray, love' by elizabeth gilbert, and it's a really entertaining book. it's written almost like a novel in style. i like her writing voice and can tell that she is passionate about writing. she's good at laying out a scene and explaining her thought processes and actions in a way that the reader can easily picture. she eats in italy, prays and meditates in india, and finds love in indonesia. i'm currently in the middle of the india section of the book. and it's hard to put down. i noticed what's weird about the sony reader though. i can't underline any passages that i find especially meaningful! that's kind of annoying. so i have to stop reading and find a piece of paper to jot down the passages that stand out to me. it's a small annoyance considering that the alternative is carrying around the actual heavy book everywhere i go. it's really hard to stop reading it, because it's written in such a relateable way, as if it could be your own journey that she is describing. i heard this memoir may become a movie starring julia roberts. i'm so glad that i'm reading the memoir now, so the movie doesn't spoil the story for me. i keep thinking what an amazing thing it is that this author did, travelling to these countries all alone in order to find herself, and to discover the truth about herself and how she sees the world. that sounds like something most people just dream about, people like me.

my favorite quote from the book so far (which is actually a quote within a quote):

It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection

-The Bhagavad Gita

i should have been writing

that afternoon when it was raining and he was painting. i should have been writing. instead of drifting off to sleep yet again. it could be the medication i'm on. making me gain weight and making me sleepy all the time. unable to find my interest in things again. it's frustrating. but if i get off of it, i worry about the anxiety returning. and i wonder if i'll become too anxious to eat again. once you have had anxiety severe enough to have panic attacks, it's hard to imagine ever going back to any kind of normalcy.

i always feel better in the summer. i sat on the train the other day on my way to work, listening to music and watching the morning sunlight glistening through the window, above the heads of the passengers sitting in front of me. and i felt so much gratitude fill my heart. gratitude for having a job to go to. gratitude that boss would be out of the office. gratitude for having good music to listen to. gratitude for my family who loves me. gratitude that i wasn't all bundled up and cramped on the train with a bunch of school kids carrying their huge backpacks. gratitude for being alive. i love those moments. i felt serene, whole, and happy.

i know that i need more motivation. i want to have a body that's fit and in shape, but i need to find motivation to exercise. i need to remember that now is my chance. once the winter comes then i'll be stuck inside most of the time. and the opportunity won't be there as much. i hate the feeling that summer is slipping by. i wish it could never end. i wish it could go on forever. and i could feel inspired and happy, people watching during my lunch hour at the park, by the seaport, getting a chance to look at the water and the river without feeling cold. i feel like there's so much to write about. but reading is easier. i feel like there's so much to do, but i get paralyzed and overwhelmed by all the choices and options.

i know i need to make a first step, towards a life without regret, towards a youth that i will remember fondly, towards a life that's waiting for me to jump in and live it.