rediscovering myself

why does it sometimes seem like the right time in life to start all over again? to throw out all the old and start fresh? it's kind of like spring cleaning, but i guess now it would be fall cleaning, since the summer is over. i feel this in a drastic way right now, like i want to throw out all my clothes, most of my shoes, most of my accessories and makeup, most of the decor in my apartment and start over with all of it. try harder to make it a true reflection of the person i've become and the person i want to be. so much of it just feels so outdated because i know i have changed. and the old me who purchased that handbag or that shirt or those earrings or that wall hanging no longer exists.

a new person has taken her place. a more mature person, someone who is contemplating long-term goals, not just short-term goals like she has her whole life up until now. it's so weird when your surroundings don't fit who you are anymore. and you simply feel out of place. it causes life to feel unbalanced and strange.

i find myself at work thinking, when i get home the first thing i'm going to do is throw out that old white shirt that i hate because it's so unflattering, or that dress i don't wear anymore because i'm sick of it, or those pants that are shapeless and missing a button. i want to have a wardrobe full of things i love. but i always tend to buy things that don't go with anything else in my closet. and fashion magazines confuse me. or just list things that are so far out of my price range.

a lot of the time i'll see women on the street who's style i admire and take inspiration from them. i got rid of a few things here and there tonight but still feel like somehow i have too much. i have too many shirts to wear to go to sleep. to many purses that i don't use. too many cassette tapes i never listen to. too many bottles of old nail polish that bubble and chip quickly when i try to wear them, too many stray papers and catalogues and reading material lying around. it can so quickly get out of control as soon as you attempt to control it. i think this will take time, but i've gotten rid of a lot over recent years, and have never missed any of it.

i'm one of those people who keep clothes for years, buying just a couple of new things each season. i guess that's why i'm not drowning in debt. but it's so easy to get tired of the same old clothes. for a while i felt i had too many tops so i started buying a lot of pants, now i feel i wear the same pants over and over (i have a problem with taking the others to the dry cleaners) and feel like i need to buy more because now i have too many tops and skirts.

i still have clothes that i wore when i first started working 3 years ago. i guess i have trouble letting go of perfectly good clothes, even if it makes me sick to look at them, or even think of wearing them. there's so much other stuff i know i could get rid of if given the proper amount of time to sort. vhs tapes i never watch anymore, CDs i don't listen to, old socks i can't wear, shoes that are uncomfortable, books i didn't find interesting enough to finish, old pictures that i have no reason to look at again, old scraps of paper containing half-written poems in a large binder taking up space in my bookcase, and on and on. it never ends.

whenever i buy something new, like a new purse or a new shirt, i try to get rid of an old one. this is so i don't find myself buying new hangers unnecessarily for clothes that will never again see the light of day. i get the satisfaction of knowing i'm not adding to the clutter, but it's not always easy to do. i'm going to attempt to tonight though, since i do have some free time. and i feel like the walls are closing in on me.

i wish

i wish i didn't want so much out of life

i wish i knew where to begin to get what i want

i wish i could remember how to relax again

i wish i had something right now to look forward to

i wish i had the means and the self confidence for success

i wish i could control my longing

i wish there was a simpler way to go about my days

i wish i had more courage

i wish people could be more understanding

i wish people could be more forgiving

i wish i could get my creativity back

i wish there were no such thing as bad days

i wish i could live without stress

i wish i could feel in control of my life

i wish i coudl feel proud of myself

i wish sometimes for complete isolation

i wish for the rush of my thoughts and worries to cease

i wish for peace of mind

i wish i could stop feeling like a disappointment

this song is resonating strongly with me

...just because time seems to pass by so fast. it's especially relevant now that my family wants me to get on the corporate fast track. hope i don't lose myself along the way..

"everyday"

something I've been wanting to say to you.
are you sitting down?
pretty soon, there will be a day,
when I won't be around.

im not trying to scare you
or play with your sympathy.
just want to remind you
that life is a symphony.

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.

people always rushing around,
wasting time on money.
don't be just a face in the crowd.
getting high and running from something.

i'm not trying to tell you what to do.
in the end, it's up to you.

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.

dip your feet into the ocean.
let the sun beat on your skin.
soak in every emotion,
that you never thought you'd live.
and never take for granted,
every breath you're breathing in.
go everywhere you've never been,

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.



-bif naked

hurry sickness

(this was written a little earlier today at work)

(these things may seem petty, but they add this subtle, stressful undertone to life that is totally unnecessary and completely annoying)

I don’t know if this is an actual sickness, but I think it is. I have experienced it. Not in myself, but in those around me. especially in new york city, where it’s the norm to have everything fast-paced and crazy. It can be annoying though when you don’t feel like rushing, when you just want to walk at a normal pace and not feel pushed. I absolutely hate it when I am crossing the street and there is a car waiting impatiently at a stop sign, and the moment I clear the way, they peel off as if I was taking 100 years to cross or something. It always unnerves me. it’s to the point that I find myself often running across the street so as not to incite the driver’s anger. This happens practically on a daily basis.

And I hate it when I’m on my way to work and people step on the back of my shoes in the process of rushing to pass me. now, I walk very fast as it is. It’s impossible NOT to, especially during the morning rush our in downtown NY or any part of NY, and these people are STILL trying desperately to pass by me. I find it similar to cars that cut you off on the road. It’s like, give me some room to walk, you know? I’m a human being too. I’m not invisible for fuck’s sake. Maybe I have somewhere I need to be, just like you.

I’ve had it happen several times where people will step on the back of my shoe and actually make me almost trip, or make my shoe come off in the middle of the street. And this has been with every type of footwear: sandals, sneakers, flats, heels, whatever. They find a way to step on them so hard that I have to stop and regain my balance, or stop to put my fallen shoe back on. They sometimes, not always, utter an embarrassed (yet insincere) and rushed ‘sorry’ as they pass, and I always just glare at them. I fight the urge to call them morons. I mean how hard is it to watch where you’re going and not slam into the person in front of you??? I don’t think it’s that damn difficult.

Another shining example of this is on elevators, why is it that once I get to my floor, if there are still people on the elevator- they feel the need to press the ‘door close’ button like a maniac before I even step out? Isn’t this a little extreme? Are you that much in a hurry that you can’t wait a few seconds for the doors to close on their own? It’s not like you’re going to grow old in there waiting. I find this to be incredibly rude for some reason. Like you don’t have the right to ride an elevator if you’re holding other people up from getting to their floors, even though you are trying to get to work too and just happen to work in the same building! I never do this to anyone. I wait however long it takes for them to step out of the elevator without implying that they rush out as quickly as possible because they are inconveniencing me. These are the mysteries of our modern, urban workaday culture. Talk about a rat race.

a repost- Sept 11, 2001, questions and thoughts

September 11, 2001 questions and thoughts

I wrote this on 5/9/02 in response to a series of prompts i found online relating to September 11, 2001. they were meant to preserve the memory of the day for future generations.

1. Where were you and what were you doing when you first heard the news of the attack on America, Sept 11, 2001? i was on an express bus just coming out of the Battery Tunnel, when the entire bus was in a little commotion and everyone began to go to the right side to look up out of the windows. we were a few blocks from the towers and we could see thick black smoke consuming the top of one of the towers. everyone was confused, but i just thought it was a fire, nothing to be alarmed about, they would just put it out and that would be it. i was on the bus because i was on my way to a temp agency to act as a stand-by temp who comes in the morning for last minute assignments.

2. What were your first thoughts and feelings upon hearing the news? What were the first things you commented on? the bus turned on to the expressway by the water and everyone had learned from listening to headphones/radio that a second plane had hit, and we had just learned about the first- which everyone assumed had just been an accident. there was a woman on the bus with a radio and everyone watched her and waited for news to clear up their confusion. she said that a second plane had hit the second tower, and it was now confirmed that was a deliberate act. everyone stared out the left side windows now, horrified, trying to use their cell phones and assure loved ones that they were all right. i would get peeks at the World Trade Center between the buildings as the bus moved along swiftly, each time it was a more horrific sight.

i remember first seeing what looked like paper- millions of papers flying through the air, shooting out from a burning hole in one of the towers. you could see the force of the wind, or the suction or something in the shining sunlight, it looked as if the top of the tower was spewing papers right at the expressway and river on our right. i looked at the water and it was littered with what looked like white paper, but which we later learned was pieces of shrapnel from the actual buildings.

by this time the top of both towers were in flames. i was sitting next to a young blonde girl who was trying to reach her boyfriend on his cell phone because he worked as a janitor at the World Trade Center. luckily though, his shift began around 4:00 that day, so he hadn't been there or arrived. she kept saying 'oh shit' as she dialed, telling me that all their friends work in the towers as well.

i tried to call my mother but the cell phone did not work. when i looked back out at the towers, i got a full clear view and gasped, covering my mouth with my free hand as my eyes grew large trying to capture and grasp what i saw. trying to understand and process. the entire length of both towers was covered with black smoke, like two glowing matchsticks, and i could only think.. 'i thought they were going to stop it- put the fires out, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??' patches of dark black smoke covered almost every recognizable silver piece of the towers and i could see small red flames shooting out to the sky from some of the center windows and upper windows of one tower. i turned back to face the front of the bus and thought to myself, 'my God, there are people burning in there right now. how are they going to get out?'

my mom called my cell phone and finally it went through and she asked me where i was, i told her i was on the bus and i would try to get to her job. she works in midtown. the bus driver was confused about being told to divert through brooklyn and leave all the passengers there (which worried me and my mom) but then he got different instructions to continue on his route but only up until the stop after mine, which was 42nd street. i told my mom he was going to stop at 34th st and that i'd be there soon. the bus driver also spoke on a cell phone, asking the person on the other end if his son was all right.

by this time, everyone was weary, panicky, and one woman started to cry. i remember hearing another console her saying, 'don't cry.' everyone was very confused and i just wanted to see my mother and tell her what i had seen. as i entered her building, they told me to go downstairs where she was and i went and saw her and hugged her hard. i was afraid and just glad to see she was ok. i told her what i had seen- both towers completely enveloped in smoke, from way down by the ground. i couldn't believe it-it was unlike anything i'd ever seen.

my mother had a portable radio and she heard as the spanish DJs described what was happening. we went out to the sidewalk and looked up at the tops of the towers and they were still aflame, there were crowds of people standing around and just staring up, or trying to use their cell phones. oddly though, there were other people just strolling by casually as if nothing was out of the ordinary. there was an electronics store near us that turned the news on their TVs and a small group of people, including us, crowded in front of it, everyone just looked on in shock. one man, with cell phone in hand, told the people standing close to him that he was supposed to be at the towers that morning for a breakfast meeting, but he'd been running late. he spoke somberly as if he didn't believe his own words. everyone felt the same confusion.

on the TV screen we all watched in the store, they showed footage of the pentagon in washington DC, which has also been hit by a plane and now appeared to lie in ruins. they also announced that a number of planes were still circling the air, their targets unknown. a shot of the New York skyline appeared then on the screen, but you couldn't see any of the buildings. the entire city was hidden by thick, black, billowing smoke. it was just smoke on the island of Manhattan, smoke on top of water, and below that unbelievable scene flashed these words "NYC ON FULL TERRORIST ALERT." the words flashed again and again, like an emergency signal, and the last place i wanted to be, was where i was standing- midtown Manhattan.

i walked around the block to try to call my sister and tell her we were all right. but there was a short line to use the pay phones because all cell phones had gone dead. as i waited behind a girl using the pay phone i heard her say, 'the building just fell. i saw it,' and i was shocked, there was no way it could be real, there was no way a tower had collapsed. at that moment i saw my mom leave her building again and walk around the corner where she could see the towers. i tried to call my sister, but i didn't get through, they told me she was teaching. when i crossed back to join my mother where we could see the towers- she turned around and looked at me with tears gathering in her voice as she said "the towers fell, there must be people dead"- she had heard it on the radio as the DJ said in spanish "The World Trade Center towers no longer exist." seeing her tell me, my stomach felt as if it had fallen out from under me. i looked up at where we had just seen the towers on fire, but now there was only pale smoke and blue sky.

at some point before, i went to one of the upper floors in my mother's building to try to use a phone and felt myself having a minor panic attack in the elevator. it was just unexpected and so strange. i felt very closed in all of a sudden, and like i could barely breathe. when we finally got back down to the lobby, people were fleeing the building in waves and for a moment i thought they were all dead, that we were all dead, like souls just waiting to be released by another imminent blast, i felt it coming in my bones. we were so close to the Empire State Building.
my mother and i were stuck in manhattan until around 7pm, sitting on benches in a small park, flinching at the sounds of planes flying overhead, trying to call and call until we could get through to our family and friends. the trains and ferries started to run again and the tunnels repoened. my father came to pick us up. i was 22 at the time.
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i love new york

since i don't have much to say, i decided to take a cue from Andy and post some pictures i took over the summer in the city. i love new york city photography. i spent my lunch hour at borders looking at an NY photography book by some hungarian photographer, forgot his name. it was inspiring though, and there's still that obsession i have with joesnyc.com. the pic above (of the barney's ad) is my favorite. don't know why.