it's new year's eve eve

i'm pretty happy right now because a test photo shoot i was supposed to have yesterday has been rescheduled for this Friday. i think it's something i am really needing right now. to feel pretty again and see myself in a different light. it's a nice break from the routine of day to day life. and the last time i did a shoot with this particular photographer, (who found me by approaching me at one of my boyfriend's art shows) the results were pretty good, even though i was heavier then. i think my being thinner now may help me to feel more confident and result in even better shots. not sure where all this may lead, if anywhere, but then again you never know. it's a good thing i'm off work this week, so i had some time today to go through magazines and study the model's poses to get ideas, also i need to look through my clothes to decide on the looks i want to have in the shoot. the pic at the top of my blog was a result of the last test shoot we did together.

tomorrow is my family's new year's eve party, and i hear that an old friend of mine is supposed to attend since our dads work together. I can't imagine how much we both must have changed since last seeing each other. she will be turning 30 in march. we were very close for a large part of our young adulthood. we grew apart when i moved out of my parent's home and also out of the town where she was living. though i heard she has finally also moved out of her parent's home as well , and is apparently working and living with someone, a guy i don't know. i suppose i'll meet him tomorrow night. it's going to be so great to see her again and catch up on everything we have missed in eachother's lives. i have really missed her a lot since she is one of the funniest people i know. i met her while working at a photo developing place when i was 19 and in college.

this has been a very nice vacation so far. tomorrow is my massage and i hope there isn't too much snow in the forecast so i don't have to trudge through it to get to the salon. i posted some of my poetry today on redbubble.com and have already received some really great comments it, so that feels great!

poem i wrote for my nephew Ryan

i wanted to write today but i could only seem to come up with some more personal stuff that i chose to put into my paper journal and not here for all the world to read. so i decided to post this poem i wrote early this year for my nephew, but only gave to him this past Christmas. Here is a pic of him with his dad

Ryan

how much has changed since before you came

I lived different lifetimes and became

different people over a matter of years

where were you existing back before then?

when now you are here and I can behold you

and your spirit resides in this small round body

your eyes asking questions of reality

and in a moment, a lifetime of thoughts can go by

without your knowledge-

all you know is how to exist, to dream, to sleep, to eat

wish I could know how your thoughts are composed.

what desires occupy your little heart

what sensations are pleasing to your skin

what your little eyes delight in beholding

part of your blood is mine and yet

so much of life has passed us by

who will we be when you're old enough to know me?

how will you ever know the person I am today?

when will you be able to know how I love you?

you are innocence but also all-knowing

and the world comes together in each breath you take.

miles from nowhere, and some random tidbits

i just started reading this novel called 'miles from nowhere' by Nami Mun. it's a about a 13 year old girl who runs away from home to live in the streets of new york after her father leaves her family and her mom loses her sanity. it's supposed to be largely autobiographical due to the author being a teen runaway herself. she has an amazing way with words, very poetic and lyrical. and i love the imagery she creates. i've only read a couple of pages and it's already impressive. she writes about her mother setting her father's belongings on fire and then the young girl 'joon' running into the house, locking all the doors and turning off all the lights because she says 'we had revealed too much of ourselves.' that's a small sample of the writer's voice. glad i found out about this book when i read about it in a magazine and read all the great reviews.

i'm pretty much all alone at work today. and it feels so good to know i'll have next week off! i already scheduled a massage for new year's eve and i can't wait for that. just have to get through the rest of today and i am free.
anyone reading who loves fashion/glamour and intrigue should watch this movie called 'priceless' starring audrey tatou. i keep trying to find it on ebay since netflix doesnt seem to sell movies anymore. that's a shame because i wanted to buy some other movies on DVD that i still have on tape.

this is random, but isn't it annoying when you email people and they never write back? and you have to sit there and wonder if they ever saw your email or not? i hate that. i always answer people's emails. my family does this a lot. or we'll have a family get together or a party and someone will take digital pictures of me and then never email them to me. like what the fuck? i kind of want to see the pictures too. and i always send out my pics right away. that was actually my main reason for getting my own digital camera, because whenever anyone else took pictures, i never saw them again except for that split second afterwards when they turn the camera around to let you see how you look.

it's 5am

i'm not sure why i'm awake right now. little things i guess kept me from falling asleep. the fact that my bedroom is perpetually cold, the noise i heard in the apartment above me although i don't think anyone is living there yet, my unrelenting hunger pangs even though i ate dinner, the sound of a woman crying outside my window. pretty spooky. so i'm awake, thinking about how i would have to get up for work in about 2 hours. hoping i can get some sleep before then. maybe it's the lunch that's planned tomorrow with coworkers that's keeping me up? maybe i'm nervous about that? or maybe it's just a pms thing? it sucks to have pms on a holiday.

i don't think i was meant to live in this climate. i'm supposed to live in warmer weather. that's when i feel my best and most happy. i don't think i'm alone in this. but i can't imagine all the travelling i would have to do back and forth to see my family if i were to move someplace warm. that would be such a hassle. but it is any more hassle to have to bundle up and walk slowly across ice to avoid falling and all the while freezing yourself half to death?

it's kind of funny to feel that i'm writing this into an abyss. that maybe one or two people are reading. i wonder how many blogs are out there on the internet right now. i wish i was able to relax and go to sleep. it's weird to go through my whole day at work, get my job done and somehow not feel like me. i start to question everything. like why am i working here? why was i born at this point in time? why do i have the family i have? what if i'm supposed to be doing something else? living more genuinely from my heart? working at something i truly love? maybe i should be a starving freelance writer after all. that would cause all kinds of money stress but maybe i will have found myself again in the process. these are questions that only i can answer. nights like this don't help. they force me to consider these things and wonder endlessly. when all i want to do is relax, sleep, and get on with my life.

my list of simple pleasures

instant happiness:

cheap ebay goodies- stickers/magnets/DVDs
chocolate
strawberry milk
online freebies
clearing clutter
writing/collaging
$1 books at strand
redecorating
articles on reusing/recycling common items
ordering pics from shutterfly
meditation
people watching
reading about benefits of meditation
sightseeing in NYC
poetry readings
playing lottery scratch off games
searching for writing prompts online
buying small gifts for loved ones
buying small gifts for myself
new lingerie
taking pictures
listening to music
reading money saving tips
reading about living simply
reading about dumpster diving
listening to my CDs of the meditation seminars
shopping for clothes
decorating my journal
random acts of kindness
using unwanted gifts in an artistic way

My Favorite Quotes from the Movies:

"Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"
-Heathers

"Do you think I'm a gulla-bull? Or even a gulla-calf?"
-Wayne's World 2

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
-Fight Club

"I will have poetry in my life...and adventure"
-Shakespeare in Love

"I can't relate to 99% of humanity."
"I can't relate to humanity either, but I don't think it's completely hopeless."
-Ghostworld

"This isn't life, Will, it is a stolen season"
-Shakespeare in Love

"That's not happiness to see me is it?"
-A Perfect Murder

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"
-Dead Poet's Society

"Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie."
-Heathers

"Yes, you're dead, this is heaven, and I'm the virgin Mary."
-"Diabolique

"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him."
-Secretary

"We pass the time of day to forget how time passes."
-Amelie

"...but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
-American Beauty

"Everything is temporary. Everything begins and ends and begins again. When I look ahead, I imagine infinite possible futures repeated like countless photocopies, a thousand blank pages, and in each one I see myself, never hiding, never sitting silently, and never just waiting and waiting and watching the world go by. "
-Clockwatchers

"Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent."
-Reality Bites

"No I'm no one's wife, but I love my life and all that jazz."
-Chicago

movies, snow and minutiae

ok, so 'the haunting' is a really stupid movie. but this line has always stuck in my mind because it's so true (spoken by the charachter Theo, played by Catherine Zeta Jones:

Theo: You know what, the rest of you may hate your insomnia but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine. That's when I get all my best ideas... I'm alone, occasionally... with no distractions. My mind is racing with creative ideas and come 3am I feel like a genius.

it's sort of that way today, i stayed home from work and there's nothing to do but watch the significant amount of snow falling outside my window, stay tucked in bed enjoying a fruit smoothie, and writing. i watched the movie 'diabolique' this morning because that movie has great lines in it too, and sharon stone's character is great- evil and yet glamorous, and this seems like the perfect time to get into a creative mindset, and relax for once with that, and see where it goes. i guess i'm giving myself a preview of my upcoming vacation, when hopefully it will be quieter. the only thing ruining this peaceful day is the renovations going on in the apartment above me. that's why i haven't been able to go back to sleep since 7am this morning. oh well, i guess you can't have it all...

Sharon Stone as Nicole Horner in Diabolique (a story of a wife and a mistress of one abusive man who come together to try to kill him):

Nicole: Lost your faith, eh? I've never really had any to begin with, I guess. Never believed in any of it. God, the Virgin Mary, that life begins at 40... and that people are all just basically good inside.

10 things i like about myself

1. i am thin
2. i am intelligent
3. i am good with money
4. i have simple tastes
5. i am living on my own independently
6. i can write
7. i am organized
8. i am a good listener
9. i learn things quickly
10. i have compassion and empathy

new year's eve is baffling

i never understood the big deal about new year's. if it were up to me, i'd stay home. i don't like going out and partying anymore. but this holiday is a guaranteed party whether you like it or not. and if i choose not to go i have to listen to the admonishments of my family who say, 'don't stay home by yourself!' as if it's some kind of crime. i never make resolutions. i feel like i do that all year round with myself, always trying to become a better person. therefore, new year's to me is just one day going into the next, like any other day.

i guess people feel they are on the verge of a whole new year and that reason alone is enough for celebration. but what is the celebration about? maybe getting a new start? a chance to restart in life and try to make things better? that it's a time to make wishes for new and better days in life? i am really baffled. all i know is i don't enjoy getting dressed up in a dress that will most likely make me freeze when i step outside, just to go out and drink and dance to the same songs as the year before and watching the apple drop on tv. its so repetitive and even moreso now that i'm older. am i the only freak? does everyone else out there love new year's eve parties?

i understand celebrating christmas and thanksgiving. and that should be that. i just want to be warm and cozy on new year's. indoors all night cuddled up with a blanket or maybe a certain someone, and leave it at that. that sounds perfect. early to bed to begin a new year with a calm mind and a contented heart. that's the way that it should be. who would think it's wise to start off the new year with a hangover anyway?

let me know

can you let me know
the ways of the world?
the way the fruits blossom
on the tree branch
the way the bird's song starts
the day
the morning sky
the brigtening of the wings
of those who cease to slumber
in the wake of things

can you show me the way?
the bright path illuminated
the wondering woods
the doors to the seascapes
the wonder of whirls
in a rain drop
a tear drop
a heart beat
a song of the natural

human, divine
living and dying
withering, thriving

the wordless and sightless
can you let me in on it?
all the sensations of a world i can't see
most of the time

why do i feel the way that i do right now?

there are some things i know i can do well, and others that take me a little time. i'm still not totally comfortable calling people on the phone. i still feel a bit out of breath when forced to talk too much. and i know its possible to feel another way. if it weren't, there would be no musicians, politicians, public motivational speakers in the world. there are people out there who can withstand the limelight. they thrive on it. they get their energy from others. i guess those are the extroverts. the introverts feel their energy draining when around too many people, or so that's what i've heard.

there was a delay on the train this morning and everyone was standing around annoyed. but there was a nice suprise. after the first stop, a man got up and offered me his seat. it's nice to see that chivalry is not dead. then another nice suprise when i came into the office. a gift was sitting on my desk with a candy cane attached to it. it was from one of the trainers who works here but whom i've hardly worked with at all. talk about selfless giving. When i walked by i noticed that he also left a small gift for the other administrative assistant here. my gift was a cute card and a very pretty butterfly and dragonfly frame, it's red and silver. i love unexpected surpises like that, espeically when they turn out to be somethng i really like! :)

i left work yesterday in a very bad mood. i guess these small good things happen to show me that it's ok to be positive and not always expect the worst. i was sure yesterday that the world was dark and dour, but i know its just a bad day now and i can let it go. i can try to remember to expect good things, and maybe they will keep coming into my life. i shouldn't be writing this while at work. but i'm bored and there isn't much to do. it's weird to have the flow of words disrupted though by a phone call or an email or someone stopping by. it's too bad i can't be in flow all the time. it's like partaking in bliss..

my favorite song of the moment

it sucks that i could not embed this into my post, but follow the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Top0ZUzg5bQ

a typical day of my life if i didn't have to work

9:30am-10am - meditation time

10am- breakfast

11am-1pm- volunteer for City Harvest (or other food pantry)

1pm-2pm- lunch

2pm-4pm- Writing time- either at the library or at a cafe- work on poetry and creative nonfiction.

4pm-4:30- tai chi class

5pm-6pm- piano or guitar class

6-6:30pm - meditation

7pm- Dinner

Rest of Evening- a combination of long bubble baths, seeing my family and boyfriend, shopping, reading, clearing out clutter, painting my apartment, researching new hobbies, going to see live bands play, going to museums, going to poetry readings, watching my favorite movies, etc.

goals for the new year

so, in an attempt to get my life going in a specific direction, i've decided to enroll in the 5 courses below that are required to obtain a certificate in editing from NYU. I will probably take one or two courses at a time, depending on what I can afford. I had wanted to take them in the past, but repaying my student loans was holding me back. now that those are done, I'm free to pursue my real dream of becoming an editor. Most of these courses start in late February and run for 8-10 sessions.

Course Offerings I chose are:

Freelance Opportunities in Book Publishing

From Writer to Reader: An Introduction to Book Publishing

Fundamentals of Copyediting Books

Grammar Intensive: Mastering Style and Sentence Structure

How to Be a Book Editor: An Inside Look at the Editorial Process

I'm excited about the possibilities :)

poem i just wrote (at work)

papercut

i bleed
but i long to sit by a fire
listen to my thoughts
detach from the words

and the stares and the glares
and the shove of the
streets
if a song
could awake me

and live in the house of my
body, if a lull in the noise
could sustain me
could make silence visible
rework my senses

what i want is something
lost,
something fragile
a song i can create to let the world see
me.

something personal to save
the self in fragments
the girl whose world crushes-

the girl who's sunlight has shone
and gone and set.

25 things I want to do in life..

1.write a play or short story

2.see japan

3.go on a road trip

4.have meaningful connections with people

5.help the homeless and hungry

6.learn to play an instrument-piano/guitar

7.get a modelling job

8.see more live theatrical shows

9.establish a blog

10.get my poetry published

11.explore and shop in chinatown

12.pare down my possessions to only the essentials

13.get in better shape

14.buy a house

15.go to europe again

16.have my own business (passive income)

17.star in a play

18.buy a car

19.write a song

20.practice regular acts of kindness

21.write a book

22.organize a charity event

23.help others improve their lives somehow (maybe by writing a book?)

24.be an example of happiness and success for my nephew Ryan.

25.make a living doing what i love to do

opening entry of my handwritten journal

the entry below is an excerpt handwritten in my paper journal on 7/27/2008:

i wrote down an idea in my previous journal for a writing topic, but never got to elaborate on it further. it was about one ordinary weeknight when i was at home. i had left a music channel on my television and as i was crossing over to the bed or the bathroom i noticed that the song playing was 'besame mucho'- but an insturmental version. for some reason, hearing that song took me out of my immediate present reality, and into an alternate one. i imagined i could be on the streets in europe, listening to it play at a cafe. anywhere else but where i was. i had the feeling of being on vacation, with everything feeling slightly removed and unfamiliar. but it was something comforting at the same time. a break from the everyday normal routine. it was a reminder of the fluidity of life - of the possibilities that abound there.

in starting this journal i was reminded of how i used to start other journals in my teens and early 20s. i used to write in big flowey letters 'karen's fairy journal,' drawing pictures of flowers and butterflies around the curvy lettering. this journal didn't seem to call for an opening like that. i don't know. maybe its because i've been 29 for a couple of weeks now, and part of me may feel like this journal needs to be about exploring a newer, different side to me. the person i'm growing into being. now i have a job that is somewhat less stressful, but in another way, more stressful. i work as an administrative assistant. i'm very capable at it and even enjoy it, but at the same time i find myself thinking- i'm 29 and still only an administrative assistant. after all, there are girls 23 and 24 years old who make 45-50k a year working in marketing or at magazines or as accountants or teachers. those kinds of thoughts make me feel that i'm just languishing. though maybe if i keep going back to recognizing myself and who i am at my core, i will never feel less than anyone else or out of place in any profession because i will have the comfort of knowing that i am fulfilling my ultimate purpose.

i never used to weigh my values on conventional, societal ideals. i found (and still find) value in creativitiy, living simply, sucking all the juice out of life, living as if in the magic of poetic language. living life with a purpose and meaning that one defines for one's self, no matter the opinons of the common masses. holding onto one's freedom, individuality and singular expression has importance over everything else. a person cannot rest or be at peace unless he is heeding the call of his heart, his own personal song, a vision of what true happiness really means.

i think within myself there may be a bit of a fear of success. i may be one of those people who goes mad if i'm given too much money. last week i finally succeeded in my long term goal of wiping out my student loan debt. - it was $20,000 in total. and the idea of no longer owing anything, of no longer having to set aside huge portions of my paycheck anymore- was somewhat unsettling. as crazy as that sounds it actually made me feel anxious - i suppose because i no longer had a major, definite goal to work toward. i had finally reached it and i guess a part of me was wondering what was next.

i woke up with a headache today. it's sunday, but i dont have that usual dread of having to start the work week. i'm comfortable where i am working. no son much where i am living though. i'm at Ivan's apartment sitting at his desk writing in this journal, while he stands at his easel behind me, working on a painting he began yesterday. every now and then he makes sounds of frustration or curses. he just left the room. outside the sky is thundering and there is a light rain falling. Ivan has just returned with a stack of paper towels. we just got through watching a documentary of the artist chuck connely. a man who became very successful as a young artist, but whose self-destructive habits took his success away. Ivan sighs out of frustration, saying it would be great if he could paint with only one hand.

my hair is wet and tied in a low ponytail. Ivan suggested that maybe a shower would help me relieve my headache, when drinking water, eating a doughnut and drinking a coffee coolatta failed to do the trick. but that is mostly because this is a pms headache. and those don't go away just like that. i'm using a pen that i stole from work, that i thought wrote smoothly but is actually causing my arm to cramp up.

a skech that Ivan did of me, right after i had been crying, is the decoration in the inside cover of this journal. i hope that doesn't doom me to a bunch of morose journal entries. Ivan just explained to me the painting technique of 'scrafito,' in which a layer of paint is put on the canvas and then scratched with a knife. it looks to me almost like a stained glass effect. it's strange to be afraid of happiness - i guess the fear of losing it. i try not to let that get to me and just give myself over to those magical, out of this world moments. those moments of being and feeling whole, natural, healthy and free.

i hope for myself that growing older is not difficult. that i will still find things in life that will motivate me, satisfy me, make me feel fulfilled, complete, at ease and happy. i hope that it won't be a downward spiral, as most people are led to believe. there is so much change everywhere- in the world, in one's family, in one's own self that it can become hard to keep track of the self. most people when they get close to the age of 30 feel disappointed only if they feel they should have accomplished more by that age. i think i may be suffering from a bit of that. there are people my age who live in grand houses, who write scripts that become hollywood movies, who write books, who play live shows with bands and sing in front of an adoring audience. sylvia plath died at age 30, but before she died she wrote countless plays, poetry, a novel. she became a well known writer, her journals were published. her one novel, the bell jar is still widely known and read, regardless of the fact that it was largely autobiographical. and these things make me wonder what i have to show for being the age that i am. will only i be the one seeing and reading what i've written? will all the journals i have locked away in a fire-proof box one day just be discarded without so much as one soul showing any interest in them? in me or in the world and life i am currently inhabiting?

sometimes i remind myself that its ok to keep it simple in writing. i don't have to sit to write 10 ot 20 pages all at once or not write anything. in her journals, sylvia plath would sometimes only write a paragraph describing what the rain sounds like falling on her roof in the quiet of her bedroom. nothing else was needed because that was all she had to say on that day.

i want to continue to like myself as a person throughout my life. and i think a big part of that depends on being absolutely true to myself. never wavering in my belief as a singluar human being, and never bending to the will of others who want me to be someone else more to their liking.

what would janice do?

i love janice dickenson. since i don't have work tomorrow, i'm up at 3:24am watching her sell her jewelry on HSN (home shopping network). all the cocktail rings are lovely, but of course at size 5, too big for my fingers. oh well. not like i should be spending money anyway. i adore janice's personality. she's loud and obnoxious, but in a way that is fully, unapologetically her. she is not afraid to be who she is. to be loud or overbearing, to be fun and stlyish, sexy and fabulous no matter how old she gets. she has admirable ambition and drive. and has made herself into a success in the modelling world on her own terms.

i've read 2 of her books- her autobiography 'no lifeguard on duty' which i lent to my mom and she loved it too and 'everything about me is fake and i'm perfect.' her writing style is fresh and she has a natural way of telling a story that draws you in, as if you were in conversation with her. she is the epitomy of strong. i wish i could be that way. i mean so socially strong that i intimidate others with my confidence and sense of self. that others are at a loss for words when around me because i make such a secure impression on them. to be like her, not like myself- shy, always retreating, second guessing. that is my ultimate dream. to be unafraid to speak my mind. to be who i want to be and see myself to be.

i was addicted to her show back when it was on oxygen, 'the janice dickenson modelling agency.' i had rented the first season from netflix and became addicted. mostly because janice took every opportunity to showcase her best self. her talents for photography, modelling and being a model agent and mentor. it was really hypnotic in a way. there is no one else like her on earth. she is what i strive to be in my life. there was a scene on her show where she encourages one of the models in her agency by telling him that growing up, "I believed you could be, just anyone you really wanted to be." and that just sums it all up , doesn't it? she said it with a conviction that would remove any doubt. she was dead serious.

she came from humble beginnings, came from an abusive household, and still had the determination and strength to go after her dream of being a model in a time where models looked nothing like her. they were all blonde and blue-eyed. she paved her own path and became an in demand model anyway when most agencies turned her away at first. she didn't let anything defeat her. she later decided she wanted to have a modelling agency of her own, and film the whole process for a reality show, and so it was done. just like that. she decided to write books, so she became a best selling author. and it's easy to see why. she is a distinct personality. an amazing woman who has accomplished so much. people may ridicule her but she lives her life in her own way and makes no apologies ever.

she knows exactly who she is and is unafraid to show it. and that is so stunning to me. she is definitely someone i admire and look up to and who makes me happy whenever i see her on tv or read fashion/beauty tips in her books. she makes it all look so easy and so fun because she really lives her life and makes the most of it, and encourages others to do the same in her books. so now i guess she has a jewelry line, i had no idea about it. the bracelets and rings and necklaces are so pretty too. i guess there really is no limit to what a person can do or what she can get if she really really wants it..

'do your thing, whatever it is that you do
everybody's magical, beautiful, do your own thing
shining like a super star, what you feel is who you are
do your own thing'

- from the theme song of her TV show