free market, madison square park

this is part of the journal entry i wrote in my paper journal this morning at 12:48am:

 i love freedom. the freedom to be able to come and go as i please. the freedom of long stretches of time with nothing to do and no where to be. the freedom of not having anyone to answer to but myself, the freedom to read or sleep or watch movies, or eat. the freedom to sit on a train on a nice day and look out the window. the freedom to take pictures and listen to music, and write- no matter what time it is.

 my body is sore and i'm tired, but there is still so much i want to do. luckily, i have the whole day free tomorrow. today i voluntarily went into the city, something i have not done in a long while. i went to the free market at madison square park which was from 12-3, but i ended up only staying about an hour.

 it helps when i feel sad or alone, to go out into the world and observe people and listen to them talk or just go about their lives. there's a certain comfort in that. we are all the same. we are all just human beings, no one greater or lesser than anyone else, just trying to make our way in the world.

 pics from the free market,

a cool pic

love this-

from the site- http://afabricofsociety.blogspot.com/

cross found at ground zero

here are a couple of pics i took at the cross formation of beams found at Ground Zero 2 days after the world trade center attacks on 9/11/01. i pass by it every day on my way to work. it's a humbling reminder of the fragility of life and to not take anything for granted and be grateful every day.

it's 5am

i'm not sure why i'm awake right now. little things i guess kept me from falling asleep. the fact that my bedroom is perpetually cold, the noise i heard in the apartment above me although i don't think anyone is living there yet, my unrelenting hunger pangs even though i ate dinner, the sound of a woman crying outside my window. pretty spooky. so i'm awake, thinking about how i would have to get up for work in about 2 hours. hoping i can get some sleep before then. maybe it's the lunch that's planned tomorrow with coworkers that's keeping me up? maybe i'm nervous about that? or maybe it's just a pms thing? it sucks to have pms on a holiday.

i don't think i was meant to live in this climate. i'm supposed to live in warmer weather. that's when i feel my best and most happy. i don't think i'm alone in this. but i can't imagine all the travelling i would have to do back and forth to see my family if i were to move someplace warm. that would be such a hassle. but it is any more hassle to have to bundle up and walk slowly across ice to avoid falling and all the while freezing yourself half to death?

it's kind of funny to feel that i'm writing this into an abyss. that maybe one or two people are reading. i wonder how many blogs are out there on the internet right now. i wish i was able to relax and go to sleep. it's weird to go through my whole day at work, get my job done and somehow not feel like me. i start to question everything. like why am i working here? why was i born at this point in time? why do i have the family i have? what if i'm supposed to be doing something else? living more genuinely from my heart? working at something i truly love? maybe i should be a starving freelance writer after all. that would cause all kinds of money stress but maybe i will have found myself again in the process. these are questions that only i can answer. nights like this don't help. they force me to consider these things and wonder endlessly. when all i want to do is relax, sleep, and get on with my life.