the insights of my mind, a search for meaning and poetry and beauty in life. a way to manage my thoughts and emotions, and a place to string words together in a pretty way..
If one does not think about right and wrong, then the mind is naturally at ease. If one has no thought of peace of mind, that is true peace.
-Chuang Tzu
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why is it so hard for us to love ourselves sometimes? why is it so much easier to berate ourselves and put ourselves down? it doesn't make sense and it isn't right. i am striving to be gentler with myself, be ok with the fact that i don't have all the answers, because no one does, and live each day one day at a time. i want to be inspired and happy, not stressed out and miserable. i want to slow my mind and have patience with myself and others, and i hope that one day i can get there, to a place where i stop constantly pushing myself over and over and just allow myself to breathe and be.
that's the funniest line in the movie 'bad teacher' which is said by cameron diaz in response to another teacher asking if she'd like to go with her to watch a teacher rock band called 'period five' perform later at night. the whole movie was kind of stupid but also pretty entertaining. no one in reality is as shallow and superficial as the main character, at least i would hope not. but it was funny in an escapist sort of way.
also, speaking as someone whose sister is a teacher, cameron's character would never have been able to complete all the schooling required for teaching credentials with the attitude she has about the whole job. it's actually really complicated to become a teacher and then to get top pay you need to earn a masters, and then 30 credits above a masters. it's kind of insane, but i guess worth it if you get the summers off and still get paid. there's no other job where you can get that.
i've been debating about whether or not to go to bartending school. this is something i have been wanting to do for years but never seemed to just get up the nerve to do it. now i have the time to complete the course in a week and the cash to fund it but i still hesitate. my fear of failure is pretty strong. and i'm a perfectionist, so if i don't learn something and do it perfectly then i feel like a failure. i'm still on leave of absence from my old admin job and honestly, i think i'd rather get shot in the face then go back to work for my old boss, but the current job market (at least for admin jobs) is not the best, i mean unless i want to work part time or temporarily for no benefits. and i just don't think that will work.
i'm seeing a doctor for my anxiety issues and she has me doing exposures which entail getting on a crowded train and fighting the urge to have a panic attack. the crowded train experience is way different when you are not working and getting up every day around noon, but it still makes me nervous and i don't see how i'm going to be able to conquer this problem by the time i have to return to work, but i keep trying. it makes me feel like i've really gone insane to get on a train just to turn around and go back home. but that's what 8 years of corporate work life has done to me.
i feel good tonight though. my doctor asks why i'm just looking for office work and not looking for work say as a barista, or an IT job working from home, or working in a pet store. as if working as a barista or in a pet store would earn me enough money to pay my rent and bills. and i have no experience in IT so i have no clue where she was coming from with that. so i guess i will keep applying to publishing houses (my dream job) and to other thankless administrative assistant jobs, where i could end up with a boss who's even worse than my old one. all i can do is make the best of the bad situation and hope that whatever i risk trying, it will work out for the best and not cause me to stress out even more.
is a wonder what lots of sleep, relaxation, a week of meditation, writing and exercise can do for your state of mind. tonight was the first time in a long time that i felt like myself again, like i could enjoy music and beauty/fashion and confidence and feel hope. have that feeling that i have a lot to look forward to and have choices to make my life what i want it to be. i need to stop ignoring myself and embrace myself. it's the only way to stay sane, and stay out of my own way.
i need to go out and do things and try things, otherwise i will always be frustrated and wondering 'what if?' the days of fearing failure must end, because what if i try something and it leads to great success?
all i need now is my banking card back (my account was hacked into a few days ago) and i'll be free to download good songs like this
went to a free yoga class tonight, the second one. the first one i went to was last tuesday and i thought it really helped to relax me and calm my mind because all the focus is on stretching and feeling the body, and breathing through the movements. i enjoyed it and even got to meet someone there who works in publishing, so we started emailing each other and we decided to go out to eat after tonight's class so i could ask her about her publishing job. i got a lot of good information and am going to still strive to make the leap into publishing. it's what i have to do if i am ever going to realize my dream of becoming an editor and editing books for a living.
on our walk from the yoga class to the restaurant we were going to, my yoga friend ran into one of her friends. he was nice and as he said goodbye he told us to enjoy the rest of our stroll and look at the moon. it was a full moon behind a mist of clouds. during this little exchange i couldn't help but think of what a relief it was to be out among people again after having not gone to work for a couple of weeks and holing up in my apartment. it was really hard to get myself out to go try the yoga class, but it was worth it in the end. even today, i had a bad headache and was lying down but then i realized i had to get up and get ready to leave because the meeting with this lady tonight who works in publishing could lead me later to the job that i have always wanted.
most jobs are found through contacts and frends, and since i don't have many friends to ask, i have to try to meet new people and make contacts that way. it is better than staying home and watching as my resume disappears into the abyss of the internet as i apply for jobs that a million other people are also seeing and applying for at the same time. during all this time off i definitely haven't been writing enough, and i miss it a lot. so i must start to do more of that. but i am meditating. i have been meditating every day since saturday and i intend to keep it up as a daily habit because it helps my peace of mind immensely.
the bookstore offering the free yoga class that i attended will also be offering a meditation class in november, so i'm looking forward to trying that out as well. meditating with a group of people is a lot easier than meditating alone, at least for me.
A few days ago I watched the documentary 'Bill Cunningham New York,' about the 80 year old fashion photographer for the New York Times. This man simply goes out and rides around the streets of New York on his bicycle, taking pictures of people. He captures the fashion trends as they happen in real time, and he was the predecessor for all of today's street fashion blogs.
He still shoots on 35 mm film as well, instead of digital. No reason to fix something that hasn't been broken since the 60s! I loved this movie. I mean I LOVED it. Bill Cunningham is a humble, charming, sweet and beautiful man. He lives minimally (in a studio apartment filled with filing cabinets instead of furniture), is very observant and highly intelligent, and simply knows how to live his life in a way that brings him joy and fun. He is a pure artist.
This movie is so inspiring and entertaining, it really captivates you. It made me want to go out and do something creative with myself and devote myself to self expression. It is that powerful. Bill is like a breath of fresh air to all who know him. A one of a kind spirit, he is the type of person who doesn't apologize for who he is and is not afraid to stand out. This movie isn't just about fashion or photography or even art, but it's about living a life of meaning, whatever that means for you
And the point is clearly made that riches and monetary success aren't the only factors that can contribute to happiness. Being open to life, and discovery, and beauty on the other hand, are the things can contribute to one's happiness. No matter who you are, where you come from or how old you are. It's simply a matter of curiosity, hard work, and faith.
So I highly, highly recommend this documentary as something that you must see as soon as you can. Take my word for it. It will make you smile, warm your heart, but also really make you think about life, and what's really important.
This song was used along the ending credits- haunting and beautiful.
i wrote this a while ago at work and just found it
•10 great daydreams are...
1.performing in a broadway show like chicago
2.writing a best selling book
3.sailing around the world
4.visitng spain
5.winning the lottery
6.making a living as a freelance writer
7.working in publishing
8.escaping to a spa for a week
9.going on a free shopping spree
10.writing and performing a hit song
11. (bonus) going on a road trip across america
