life, or something like it

what a life of mood swings, feeling great then feeling bad, feeling sleepy, then full of energy, feeling hopeful and then hopeless. it's all a big mishmash. one day you are stressed out and the next day you are bored out of your mind. i have so many blessings in my life, but it's amazing how on some days i don't take account of any of them. i take them all for granted. when that really should not be done. it's being in one state of mind, seeing all the good or seeing all the bad only, and forgetting about the possibilities. forgetting about the promise of new days, new choices, new options, new ideas, fresh turns that life takes, when you veer off the routine paths.

when you do the same things day after day, it seems that there are no more discoveries to be had. i think happiness comes from knowing your limits, seeing the truth about yourself, being honest with yourself about what you really want and figuring out how to give it to yourself, without worrying about judgements or consequences. just trusting in the universe that things will fall into place, when you follow your bliss i guess. life is too short to do anything else, and i am realizing that more and more.

i worry about the future, when the present moment is all there really is. so i tell myself to do one thing at a time and take things one day at a time, and usually that works. but i can't help worrying. and wondering if the best days of my life have passed me by or if there is more for me in the future to look forward to.

i went to see my sister's new house that she just closed on this past sunday. i had that weird feeling of time passing quickly again, as i imagined her there with her family which is just beginning, and seeing us there later in life, all meeting together and having family gatherings. it was a strange feeling to see her there and know that we were in a house that she owns. i felt small and inept. like my life may never come together that way. i tried to lift up my nephew who is almost 3 and weighs about 40 lbs already, and i couldn't do that. it made me a bit sad. my sister has this whole life in order, she has friends, a home and a family, and most of the time i feel i am drifting in the wind.

sure things aren't perfect, they aren't for anybody. but i think as we get closer to our own idea of perfection and happiness and success, we start to feel more accomplished. more settled in the world. uh oh, i'm writing in sentence fragments, not good for a possible future copy editor or proofreader. well whatever, i'm not being graded on this. i struggle to come up with blog topics, as i'm not writing about any particular niche, and i find that my life can be pretty boring. but i mean what is there to do in the wintertime? except eat and sleep and watch movies? at least i am taking a class and being somewhat productive, as much as it hurts to commute there and back in the freezing cold weather.