today i was thinking back over my life at the things i would do differently, but i trust that every decision i make in my life is the right one, no matter how it turns out, because i'm meant to learn along the way when things don't work out as i hoped. if i had it to do over again, for example, i probably wouldn't have majored in english in college. but then again, maybe i would, just for the simple fact that all i knew that i was truly interested in was writing and literature. i thought that was a natural step.
i remember talking to other people in college who would say to me, well i really love writing and reading, but i thought i should major in business instead. it's more practical. and i had one close friend who started out as an english major, then changed her major with the hopes of becoming a chiropractor. so instead she had all these physics classes to take. if i had it to do over again, i'd probably be just as lost as i am now, and end up majoring in english again.
i used to think i would change my major to accounting or something straightforward like that, not as broad and unfocused as an english major. but i think it has served me fine so far in life. i can always continue schooling to find the specialization that i want to pursue. so i don't end up working as an administrative assistant for all of my life. it's important in any position to be able to articulate well, and to write well, so that has been to my advantage. i don't think people are in their right mind at 18, and not always certain about what the work world entails and what would be a good choice for a career. i know i wasn't.
i remember having vague notions of becoming an editor. and not really knowing about entry level positions at publishing companies. i was too intimidated to start out as an editorial assistant. although that would have been the ideal start to my career path. after a few years of working though, the confidence has developed. and i realize how important it is to love what you do and have a real interest in it. because it is your living. you do it for at least 40 hours a week and it consumes most of your lifetime. it has to be something you will never get tired of doing, and something you would do even if you weren't getting paid.
i find writing fun, i do it in whenever i get a chance and have the energy. and analyzing literature was great fun in college. but those are not practical skills, thus began the impetus to begin taking classes that will train me on the practical aspects of this field of publishing. copy editing, proofreading, indexing, editing, word usage, etc. i am hoping that i find i have a natural aptitude for it. i'm hoping to be paid to use my mind and write something or read and analyze/summarize for a living. i think that would be much more rewarding and stimulating, providing of course that i work for the right company with the right people. but all i can do is pray and meditate and hope that all my steps are guided in the right direction, to where i am supposed to be.
this entry was probably completely boring to most of you out there, but my boss is out today and i had nothing better to do. but why make excuses, this is my blog isn't it? haha
i don't have much work right now so i thought since i'm here and awake (barely), i'd start writing and see what comes out. life is weird. one day you wake up and you know you have changed somehow. you're growing older, your priorities are subtly shifting, and then you are left to the task of making your life fit into your new mindset. because if it keeps going on the way that it has been, you won't be happy or fulfilled. but it's so hard to break out of old habits. it's so hard to try to socialize and give up my alone time when i know that that is what i should be doing.
i try to tell myself to slow down, enjoy the journey, take pleasure in the little things, not to put so much pressure on myself to improve, to become better, and just be and accept who i am. but it can be hard.
when all of your life decisions are left completely up to you, the options can be daunting. there are so many different directions and possibilities to consider, that it can become immobilizing. and i get so wrapped up in the minutia of the everyday, that i can't stop long enough to really think about things, to think about where i want to be in life, and try to move towards the things that will make me happy. where is the line drawn between coasting along and enjoying the journey and simply being in the 'now'?
i get so concerned with other people and what they will think, that i forget to think about myself, and what i really want. and that is really not healthy. it starts to wear away at me. i'm so lucky in so many ways, and i want to be able to enjoy that. not worry that i should be on some sort of timeline to accomplish things in life, not feel like a let down to people if i'm not a major success or fitting the mold of some conventional life. it takes bravery and courage to step into one's own and not worry about what people with think, and yet some people do it effortlessly. it just comes naturally. i wish i could be one of those people.
sometimes something in my brain switches and i think, this job isn't so bad. this commute isn't so bad. people are not so horrible. but it all depends on my point of view and mood on a particular day. some days my heart says, quit your job, stay home and never show up again, burn all your bridges. who cares? you will figure it out, you will find something else. but then i think i am not possibly being rational, and i go on with my life, wondering if i'm settling for mediocrity. for living in a way that is so much less than who i am and what i could be doing with my life.
my sister went to a psychic recently, he told her answers to questions she was only thinking and hadn't yet verbalized. he told her she would have a daughter and that her family was strong and her baby boy would grow up to be very tall and have an interest in baseball. he told her lots of specific things. i was scared by that thought when she told me all that he said about her future, but now i'm thinking that i may want to go see him too. maybe he can shed some light on all the mysteries clouding my mind. and i'll know whether i should keep listening to my head, or start listening to my heart.
so, in an attempt to get my life going in a specific direction, i've decided to enroll in the 5 courses below that are required to obtain a certificate in editing from NYU. I will probably take one or two courses at a time, depending on what I can afford. I had wanted to take them in the past, but repaying my student loans was holding me back. now that those are done, I'm free to pursue my real dream of becoming an editor. Most of these courses start in late February and run for 8-10 sessions.
Course Offerings I chose are:
Freelance Opportunities in Book Publishing
From Writer to Reader: An Introduction to Book Publishing
Fundamentals of Copyediting Books
Grammar Intensive: Mastering Style and Sentence Structure
How to Be a Book Editor: An Inside Look at the Editorial Process
I'm excited about the possibilities :)
1.write a play or short story
2.see japan
3.go on a road trip
4.have meaningful connections with people
5.help the homeless and hungry
6.learn to play an instrument-piano/guitar
7.get a modelling job
8.see more live theatrical shows
9.establish a blog
10.get my poetry published
11.explore and shop in chinatown
12.pare down my possessions to only the essentials
13.get in better shape
14.buy a house
15.go to europe again
16.have my own business (passive income)
17.star in a play
18.buy a car
19.write a song
20.practice regular acts of kindness
21.write a book
22.organize a charity event
23.help others improve their lives somehow (maybe by writing a book?)
24.be an example of happiness and success for my nephew Ryan.
25.make a living doing what i love to do
