sad

i just worked out using Jillian Michal's 30 day shred. i did the level 1 section which is supposed to be easiest, and it was so hard and so painful on my legs. i guess that means its working, but god, exercises can really suck sometimes. even when you're doing it practically daily and penning it into your calendar and making it non-negotiable. my friend tells me to have patience. which of course i don't. it probably hurt alot because i did a workout last night on my legs, it was on a dvd that came with my shape up sneakers. they have a 15 and a 30 minute workout and i did both because i read that its good to work on toning the biggest muscles first, which are leg muscles.

i don't enjoy seeing my stomach in the mirror. i don't enjoy feeling heavy and my clothes feeling tight. i don't enjoy not being able to eat the foods i want to, but this is what i have to do if i want to look the way i want to look and feel good about myself. life is all about confidence right? i just want to have all the workouts done and skip ahead a month to a new body, but it doesn't happen that way. i have to put in the work.

maybe this workout was hard because of the use of hand weights which i'm not used to. it's so much easier to walk, but that takes a lot more time to burn calories and doesn't really tone you up and the weather doesn't always cooperate. i'm going out to eat tomorrow with my family for my dad's birthday, which was actually yesterday. i just hope they have salads on the menu. if not, then i have to work out twice as hard on saturday, and still find some time to get my laundry done. and sleep!

even further away

so little time for creativity. so little inspiration. so little energy. it really gets to me. now i'm so preoccupied with losing weight that i think that that's what i should be doing with all my spare time, exercising. i want to feel good about myself again, and i hate that its so hard. ok, i'm not big, but lately people have been commenting that i've gained weight, and of course for a woman that might as well mean she gained 800 pounds. i have never been heavy. but i guess now i am heavier than i used to be. and that it just killing me. it hurts to exercise and diet and still have people tell you that you're gaining weight. when you're denying yourself of your favorite indulgences, and barely eating any dinners, and drinking gallons of water, you want to have something to show for it. it's so hard now and i guess i need to adjust to that. put my writing time and creativity aside and exercise now when i have free hours and energy.

i got out of work a bit early today so i decided to do all the chores i've been neglecting, like laundry and taking out garbage and doing dishes, but after all that i rewarded myself with an hour long bike ride which was a lot of fun since i haven't done that since i was a teenager, and hey, it counts as exercise! it felt good to feel my leg muscles working and it's pretty nice out today so i worked up a sweat. every now and then a breeze would come by and it felt so amazing, and i remembered why i love bike riding so much. it's definitely a lot more fun and less boring than walking.

tomorrow i thought i'd taking advantage of certain sales going on and buy some bathing suits for my vacation. too bad i'm not down to my ideal weight yet, but i'm running out of time and need to buy those suits. i wish i could go back to the days when my metabolism was fast and took care of itself, and i didn't need to exercise or even think about. i'd just eat a little less than normal and drop weight so quickly. now all i can think about is eating some cinnamon life cereal, since i just had a small piece of chicken and some vegetables for dinner and i'm longing for some dessert. oh the pleasures of the pressure to be thin. i don't think i could be happy seeing myself any other way though. i just wish it wasn't so much hard work.

after my laundry is done i'll be doing some arm toning pilates with some weights i bought, and then maybe an instant play dance cardio video from netflix. if that's not intense enough i guess i'll be going back to my old stand-by, the killer dvd called blast fat, boost metabolism with jillian michaels. fun!

yes!

so i finally lost another pound when i weighed myself this morning!! so happy to be seeing progress! i guess all the sacrifice and eating right did pay off, and i feel better too. eating the right foods is so important. i'm down to 123 lbs now, so if i can get down to 120, it'll be perfect. i know i can get there!

they moved me a new, more spacious cube at work, so that made me happy this week, and will probably make it a little easier to go into work tomorrow, knowing that my scenery will be a little different. also, it's in a corner so it's more private, which is nice, and closer to the windows. i told my mother and she said it was good that they moved me because it's beneficial to shift stale energy around sometimes. she is so right. that's why she's my mom, we think so alike when it comes to things like that.

my weekend plans fell through, but i was kind of glad about that because it's still bitterly cold outside. i'm proud of myself for being able to get my body in shape in the dead of winter, without the benefit of working out outside, and the temptation to overindulge in food. now i just need to keep it up!

fitness progress report

well i didn't give up, kept up the weight loss/fitness plan and i think it's finally starting to pay off. i was just getting a bit impatient. it's not easy giving up your favorite things, like chocolate! and having smaller portions of things like rice, and exercising like a crazy person and have the results be slow in coming. but finally i'm down to about 3-4 pounds from my goal weight. so i'm so relieved!

for some reason, when i go for walks, the weight comes off faster. i went for a long one hour walk this past saturday and ended up discovering a very big park near my apartment. i passed by it a few times when i've been driven somewhere and always forgot exactly where it was located, but i found it on my walk and i was happy i did. it has a really huge race track and people were running/jogging/power walking on there, which was inspiring, also there were lots of hilly paths with inclines which are good for walking quickly on and burning more calories.

there are basketball courts there too and a small boardwalk overlooking the water where lots of people were wandering around, walking their dogs, or taking pictures. there was even a small wedding party there taking pictures. now that i know this park is so close, i have somewhere nice to walk to when i feel like going for a walk, instead of just the boring streets or the main street with all the heavy foot traffic and shops and restaurants (and the temptations to window shop which usually leads to actual shopping). also, now i have more of an incentive to finally buy a bike and go bike riding again when the weather gets warm. i used to bike ride all the time.

with my music on during the walk, the time flew by, and it was a hell of a lot easier and more fun than the 1 hour cardio DVD i've been suffering through the past few weeks. so i'm going to continue eating right and exercising, and sacrificing my favorite foods a while longer to see if i can get in bikini-ready shape for my upcoming family cruise this summer!

my fitness goals

i'm so glad that tonight i finally got the motivation to exercise. i'm such a no exercise person, that this was truly difficult. but i'm in the struggle to lose about 5-7 pounds right now, and just eating less doesn't seem to be working like it used to. i have to be more active and burn more calories than i'm taking in, so those last stubborn pounds will go away. so i worked out for about 50 minutes tonight. tomorrow i will make it an hour. i decided that my workout time will be from 8-9pm every night, after i eat a light dinner at around 7pm.

i did hundreds of crunches-both standing and sitting, some squats, jumping jacks, and leg lifts while lying down. i hate the feeling of my thighs rubbing together, and there's nothing that makes a girl want to eat dinner less than coming home from work, undressing, and seeing a protruding stomach. and it sucks to know that this is my body, regardless of how little i seem to eat. i don't quite get it. so i did a few things, i looked up some jillian michaels exercise mini videos online and learned how to do stand up crunches for the abs from those, and i ordered a cardio dance workout DVD from trancy anderson, who claims to be able to make any woman 'smaller.' and god, how i want to be smaller. not super thin, just thin enough to fit back into my pants again.

i found myself wearing the same two pairs of pants for work over and over, and other days just skirts and tights, because i no longer fit into anything else. and that's when the frustration comes in. but now i'm really serious and won't let anything deter me from getting my nice body back. i also rented a video about the vegan lifestyle from netflix, which i should be getting tomorrow. it shows you how to shop for healthy foods and what foods to avoid to improve health. people who have given up meat say that weight loss is one result, also having a lighter feeling and more energy. so it seems worth considering.

and the first thing that happens when i decide this is that my mom invites me to a colombian restaurant for my aunt's birthday this weekend. i had to make up an excuse and turn her down. i'm not 21 anymore, simply eating in moderation the day after a big meal won't work anymore. and colombian restaurants have no salads or anything light on their menus, and their portions are huuuuuge!!!! they are seriously huge, like a 2 person dinner is usually served for each person. no thanks, don't want to derail myself now when i actually feel motivated.

i was looking up online to see if i could find those sketchers shape up sneakers that help you tone up while you walk, they are really expensive, i had no idea. i don't really want to wait for them to come in the mail, so i'll probably go to dsw tomorrow or friday to buy them. i wonder why it is that anti anxiety medication puts a stop to your metabolism so you balloon up. maybe they work by getting you focused on losing weight instead of obsessing over how anxious you feel? and why is it that birth control makes you steadily gain weight the longer you take it? and why does aging make your metabolism slow down? and why does everything seem to cause weight gain???