the insights of my mind, a search for meaning and poetry and beauty in life. a way to manage my thoughts and emotions, and a place to string words together in a pretty way..
yesterday i had to attend a boring work event but at least (after the meeting portion) i got to spend the whole day out in the park. there were people playing softball, basketball, volleyball, and climbing the rock wall and mostly i sat in the shade and just watched with some of my coworkers. it sure beat being in the office on a beautiful summer day. today i'll be going to my cousin's baby shower, she'll be having a little girl in august. i can't wait to put on my new white lacy mini skirt and dark purple tank top which goes with my pale purple nail polish, and accessorize with a layer of necklaces and my white handbag which i love. fashion is so fun and makes me happy! or maybe it's just that's summertime, and i love the warm weather. you get to have so much more fun dressing up. being able to look good in any clothing is a great motivation for working out as well.
i was just reading one of the 20 magazines that my sister lent me recently. it was the instyle issue that had gwen stefani on the cover, i think it was the march issue. i was never a huge no doubt fan or anything. but i can't believe that woman is 40 and after 2 kids still has an amazing body. she said she needs to workout before 12pm or she won't do it, and that her main motivation is loving to wear the clothes she wants to wear and design. talk about discipline. to do all that with two kids. anyway, it's a good way to make a habit of exercise. and i like that she admits that it's difficult, but definitely doable.
1. i still have some time to lose weight before my family cruise 2. i had a good workout today, cardio and pilates arm sculpting 3. i have my bf back :) 4. the beautiful new jade bracelet i got from the bf for our anniversary 5. air conditioning 6. clean water to drink and to bathe with 7. having my own apartment and a bedroom in which i can close the door 8. ear plugs 9. all the interesting reading material online 10. free workout videos on youtube 11. my sony electronic reader 12. my family 13. getting the most important things on my to-do list done today 14, getting a chance to write this list and think about all i'm grateful for 15. books and magazines so i can read in bed 16. coffee 17. my comfy new bed
so little time for creativity. so little inspiration. so little energy. it really gets to me. now i'm so preoccupied with losing weight that i think that that's what i should be doing with all my spare time, exercising. i want to feel good about myself again, and i hate that its so hard. ok, i'm not big, but lately people have been commenting that i've gained weight, and of course for a woman that might as well mean she gained 800 pounds. i have never been heavy. but i guess now i am heavier than i used to be. and that it just killing me. it hurts to exercise and diet and still have people tell you that you're gaining weight. when you're denying yourself of your favorite indulgences, and barely eating any dinners, and drinking gallons of water, you want to have something to show for it. it's so hard now and i guess i need to adjust to that. put my writing time and creativity aside and exercise now when i have free hours and energy.
i got out of work a bit early today so i decided to do all the chores i've been neglecting, like laundry and taking out garbage and doing dishes, but after all that i rewarded myself with an hour long bike ride which was a lot of fun since i haven't done that since i was a teenager, and hey, it counts as exercise! it felt good to feel my leg muscles working and it's pretty nice out today so i worked up a sweat. every now and then a breeze would come by and it felt so amazing, and i remembered why i love bike riding so much. it's definitely a lot more fun and less boring than walking.
tomorrow i thought i'd taking advantage of certain sales going on and buy some bathing suits for my vacation. too bad i'm not down to my ideal weight yet, but i'm running out of time and need to buy those suits. i wish i could go back to the days when my metabolism was fast and took care of itself, and i didn't need to exercise or even think about. i'd just eat a little less than normal and drop weight so quickly. now all i can think about is eating some cinnamon life cereal, since i just had a small piece of chicken and some vegetables for dinner and i'm longing for some dessert. oh the pleasures of the pressure to be thin. i don't think i could be happy seeing myself any other way though. i just wish it wasn't so much hard work.
after my laundry is done i'll be doing some arm toning pilates with some weights i bought, and then maybe an instant play dance cardio video from netflix. if that's not intense enough i guess i'll be going back to my old stand-by, the killer dvd called blast fat, boost metabolism with jillianmichaels. fun!
recently on ebay i finally got the DVDs of Fantasia and Cinderella. for the longest time i just had the vhs tapes and could not bring myself to part with them. anyway the DVDs are better because they have the featurettes with all the interesting information about the making of the movies. so this morning when i woke up i watched cinderella, and it's still funny and entertaining to me. i must be the only 30 year old woman (almost 31!) who owns movies like the little mermaid, alice in wonderland, fantasia and cinderella on DVD. but i can delight in being weird since that is just who i am. here is one of my favorite scenes when Cinderella starts to sing,
i have this issue. i can only spend so much time around people and being social. i don't know what it is. i can't go out everyday and i need a lot of alone time in order to process things and recharge mentally. extroverted people get their energy from other people, and hate to be alone or doing nothing. i am the total opposite. i feel like i need a certain amount of alone time for my sanity. i can't lose a certain amount of sleep, or i get agitated and anxious. and i can't spend all my time around other people, or go straight from work to being with other people without a chance for for rest. i think it had to do with how i was growing up. since i was always on the shy side, i spent a lot of time alone in my room, reading, writing, watching movies, whatever. i had my family but they didn't bother me or get in my way. they left me to listen to music and just do my own thing. and now i feel unsettled and uneasy if i don't have that similar disconnect from the world.
i don't know what it is. it makes me fear for the future. like i hope that one day i'll be able to be married, but then what if i can't be? what if i feel claustrophobic? is that something completely irrational and strange? are people like me meant to be on their own? i had a busy weekend full of activity and today i could hardly hold it together. i had to be by myself, because not getting one day completely to myself was disorienting for me. this really can't be healthy. most people can function with a lot going on in their lives all the time. but i can't seem to make myself do that. it gets to me because i fear that one day life will change and i won't be able to afford the luxury of solitude. and then how will i cope?
being introverted does have its good things, it allows you to delve into your creativity. it allows for peace of mind and space between the rush of life. and i guess for me that's more important than it is for some people. maybe i have spent too many years living on my own and i'm too accustomed to it, and can't imagine how i could function and be myself completely around someone else if i live with them. it was different growing up. i guess my parents thought it best to have me home and safe, where they know where i am. and my sister was always the social one and therefore never home, especially when we got into our teens. i found it strange that my parents said they missed me when i moved out of the house and into my own apartment at age 24. i thought it wouldn't make much difference since i hardly spent much time with them when i did live at home. i finally got fed up with being alone in my room all the time and letting life pass me by.
i had to go out, move out and experience new people and a new way of thinking about life. i'm glad that i did it, because i've come a long way. but i still don't feel normal in the social sense. but normal is defined differently by everyone. sometimes i feel i have lost touch with myself, and that's when the anxiety sets in. and i have to try to divert my thoughts away from that. it can be a struggle and a difficult balance. but when i'm sitting at work, i'm sure like anyone else i start to have those thoughts like who am i? where am i going? is this really what i want out of life? what am i doing to make my life better and happier? i try to be happy with myself and my life and just tell myself that i'm doing the best that i can. and i will know the right things to do when the time comes. i just hope that i am right.
