energy flows where attention goes

“Life is like a mirror, you get the best results when you smile at it”
-Unknown

i read this quote today on thehealthylivinglounge.com and it really struck me with its truth. isn't it true that when you are feeling moody and awful, that a bunch of things get in your way all day and make you feel worse? or you find that people are especially mean and rude? i know that happens to me. that's why negative states of mind are so unhealthy and i try to avoid them as much as a i can. i do everything possible to try to lift my mood and feel better again. because i know it will only yield bad things if i continue to be negative and hostile.

on those days when you feel great, confident, full of energy and happy, isn't it true that the whole world and everyone you come into contact with responds to you with that same kind of positivity? it's strange but what we expect is what usually happens, and if we expect people to be kind and open, if we project that outwards, then it usually comes back to us. i think it's harmful to harbor resentment. or to be so self absorbed that other people completely annoy and bother you. everyone is going through their own struggles in life, and i try to keep that in mind before getting annoyed with perfect strangers throughout my day.

the other day i got angry at a crossing guard who stops the traffic for people crossing the street to get to the train in the morning, just because he told me to smile. actually he said (with a smile), 'it's ok, you can smile.' there's really no harm in that, in wanting to see someone else smiling, but i got so offended thinking that i shouldn't be told to smile because i'm not a morning person, and part of my mind is still in my bed. but that attitude wasn't going to be serving me at all. it would just be starting off my day on a negative note. and for what? just a day later and waking up happier, i realized there is no harm in smiling and saying good morning to someone, especially the first person you come in to contact with every day. everyone likes to feel acknowledged just because we are human beings, and it doesn't seem right to ignore someone crossing your path.

i like to wish kindness on my fellow commuters on the train in morning with this silent Buddhist kindness prayer (below), which i found on thehealthylivinglounge.com as well as in the book 'happy for no reason.' It was the most memorable part of the book to me (and I quickly committed it to memory), because it's such a simple way to bring more happiness and peace into your heart.

I usually focus on one person at a time who is seated near me and pray-

May you be happy,
May you be healthy,
May you be at peace,
May you live with ease

be kind to yourself

i think it may be time to stop the constant interior monologue. to just try to be in the moment and enjoy life for what it is. someone recently reminded me that the grass always seems greener on the other side, but in actuality, no one's life is perfect. like christian slater says in the movie heathers- 'everyone's life's got static.' i've been in this frame of mind recently of stopping the need for perfection and just accepting myself as i am. it's not easy. but i'm trying. if i'm someone who's more of a homebody, who enjoys taking naps and watching movies, then who cares really? it's my life.

i can't be on all the time. i can't be moving forward and progressing every minute of every day. when the day comes that i feel more social, i'll reach out more to others. if what makes me happy is reading and going online and looking up stuff like committing random acts of kindness, then that's my thing. i can't enjoy living if i'm constantly worrying that i'm somehow not good enough. by who's definition? sometimes you need to just let go and let God. sometimes you have to see yourself as good enough. and love yourself as you are.it's worth it just for the mental break. it's worth it just to silence the inner critic for a while. while i'm busy complaining about myself, i'm missing out on beauty in life, on fun and simplicity, and most importantly, on the present moment.

it doesn't serve anyone at all to project into the future. it's one thing to imagine yourself in an ideal way and work towards your dreams. it's another thing to beat yourself up over every little perceived fault. i tend to forget that it's ok to be human. it's ok to be tired after a long day. it's ok to be in a bad mood sometimes and know that it will pass. it's ok to feel that you need to work on yourself, but all the work doesn't need to be done instantly or all at once.

there are so many other more productive things that can be done with your time. you can see how you can help or serve others, improve their lives, give back some of the gifts you have been blessed with and share them, whether its time, money, words, art, whatever. trying to be perfect is exhausting. helping other people and not being self-obsessed is rewarding.

i found this list online and kept it as my daily to-do list. i can't remember which website it came from-

·connect – develop interpersonal relationships.

·be active – sports, gardening, walking, dancing, etc.

·be curious – notice the beauty of everyday moments as well as the unusual.

·learn – the challenge and satisfaction bring joy and confidence.

·give – helping friends and strangers links your wellness to a larger community.

100 things i miss

1. my mother's cooking on a daily basis
2. driving
3. the show 'daria'
4. new Garbage albums
5.meditating (i'm trying to get back into the habit)
6. my hair actually looking good
7. my body actually looking good
8. not being on medication
9. my friend idalmis
10. my friend liana
11. my nephew
12. the endless supply of energy i used to have for reading and writing
13. lazy mornings of staying home from school
14. snow days
15. bike riding in the park
16. my piano lessons
17. dance class
18. poetry readings i used to attend in college
19. my cousin eric who moved to texas
20. my cousin victor who i hardly get to see
21. being a temp (because no one cared if i came into work or not)
22. certain aspects of living with my parents
23. having pets because i didn't have to take care of them
24. feeling free of responsibilities
25. the flexible schedule of college classes
26. hugs from my mom
27. hugs from friends
28. going out just to hang out, without having anywhere in particular to go
29. having the guts to meet strangers and try to make friends
30. having someone to back me up at work
31. great old shows like melrose place (the remake can't compare)
32. my meditation class/group that i used to see a lot
33. when i didn't have to do laundry
34. when i didn't have to cook for myself
35. when i didn't have to worry about gaining weight
36. my 20's
37. being in my teens and knowing my whole life was ahead of me
38. the show 'charmed' even though it was corny
39. the show 'clean sweep' that made saturday mornings great
40. when i was allowed to leave early from work when it wasn't busy
41. when all my overtime wasn't terribly scrutinized
42. living in my old town of hoboken, nj where everyone was around my age
43. feeling like my point of view mattered
44. my old blog on the garbage.com site
45. having more time for myself for reading and writing and meditating
46. my life before i ever had a panic attack
47. the way living at home made me feel free to quit jobs i didn't like
48. the gel pens i used to write with
49. when i liked my job
50. my happy/cozy childhood
51. passing notes in class, sending emails is just not the same
52. learning something new, though i start classes again next month
53. not having a work blackberry
54. not having a boss that would start me on projects at the end of the day, and on fridays!
55. feeling like i belonged in a group of friends, even though they would annoy me at times
56. my friend jeff
57. my friend taka
58. the entertainment of reading angels and demons
59. the entertainment of reading the da vinci code
60. the days when i actually felt rested after sleeping
61. the days when i wasn't addicted to coffee
62. watching a movie in a theater without having to watch people texting and checking their phones
63. watching a movie and not having it ruined by people talking
64. working without having my boss shout at me from their office
65. working someplace where i didn't have to attend work functions that are far away from the office
66. being young and not needing to shave before going swimming
67. the days when i didn't have to grocery shop
68. the days before the wintertime would depress me
69. remembering my dreams more vividly
70. having summers off, not working
71. getting lost in music
72. models on the covers of magazines, instead of actresses
73. never running out of writing ideas
74. when i used to have energy to hang out by myself in the city after work
75. when i went to california with my family, i want to go back again because i hardly remember it
76. my family trip to europe. i was distracted by a relationship and couldn't really enjoy it fully
77. watching cartoons, bike riding, doing watercolors and staying up late in the summer with my cousins
78. when i used to meditate daily
79. going to the mall or shopping in the city with my mom and sister
80. the days when i didn't have to clean my place, clean the bathroom
81. the days when i used to get christmas gifts from my aunts
82. school days of writing poetry during class
83. visitng my sister at her apartment
84. drinking strawberry milk before i knew how many calories were in it
85. same as above but chocolate milk instead of strawberry
86. the days before i would worry about counting calories
87. every single day when i felt great about myself and my looks
88. the days when i used to be able to go out at night, see a band and have drinks and still be able to get up for work the next day
89. the days before reality television
90. the days before everyone in the U.S. had a cell phone
91. the days i should have been thinking carefully about which major to choose
92. Christmas breaks from school
93. the barnes and noble that used to be in the east village
94. CBGB's
95. the joyce leslie store that used to be in the east village
96. going to outdoor movies and plays
97. the feeling after getting a great haircut
98. when i was little and my mom would buy me and my sister little suprise gifts
99. when we used to go pick up my mom from her night job. my dad would drive me and my sister to the city on friday nights and it was fun because we were little. it was the start of the weekend
100. my dreamy vision of what living on my own would be like

*just want to add that making a list of 100 things you are grateful for is a much more positive and uplifting thing to do if you're looking for a writing prompt! i made a list of 100 things i'm grateful for in my regular paper journal and going back and rereading it always helps to lift me out of a bad mood

in another time

i think i was still free then
still alive and in a moral way
a red lip stain
some shiny strands, a gleam in the eye
i looked straight ahead
i didn't sense whats coming
i didn't know the truth

being aloof and alone. a mystery.
someone afraid and just holding on
to being someone else, too young, too naive
and yet free, and yet trapped
inside

i chose hiding
it was easier
i chose a shadow instead of shining my light
i think i was alive then
and the air screamed for me to wake-
and take
action, take them all by storm
i turned away
i turned within
became something sullen
became unaware
i grew into their stares, becoming nothing more
than a background figure
a spectator, something perhaps caught in a glimpse
of mist

in a whisper
of words never spoken, a wind that broke
swirling deep inside
i knew then what i don't know now
i was someone else in that yesterday
i spoke to you in dreams and somehow withdrew
all that i was
and all that i knew

relax into the mystery

"Absorb what is useful, Discard what is not, Add what is uniquely your own.”
~Bruce Lee

i like this quote. anything that promotes individuality, is something that i am drawn to. i feel ashamed most of the time. ashamed that i have become a conformist. and in a lot of ways i still dream of a completely different life. a life that i am no where near living. and it gets to me. i start to think about things and wonder, how important is this job/apartment/town/item i own to me? can i let it go and start over? can i do things without a safety net for once? go out on a limb and take a risk? its something that i fantasize about but don't have much courage to do. recently something happened to me at work that made me consider the possibility of losing my job. and somehow it didn't terrify me. i thought i would have new opportunities and no more excuses for not doing what i really want to try.

and i start to think well, things aren't so bad, but they aren't amazingly great either, and how long can i realistically sit with all this complacency? won't it drive me crazy in the end? cause a nervous breakdown? doesn't everyone deserve an amazingly great life and shouldn't they devote some time to figure out how to get one?

i try to think that i'm doing the best i can. that's all well and good but when you come down to it, i'm not seizing the day or the moment. i'm not doing the things that i long for. and i'm living in a way that does not relate to the real me. it's really hard to fit in with society. to live a 9 to 5 life, to work for the weekends, and dread all your mondays. and it shouldn't have to be that way. life wasn't meant to be lived that way. we are human beings, not machines. we should not live to work. we should not watch our lives go by in a blur as we strive for the bigger and better salary/house/reward.

we only get so many days on this earth. its a shame how we waste them all the time, with television, with too much sleeping, with isolation, with weariness and exhaustion. i'm all too aware of this. but it's hard to know how to change. i've always dreamed of being someone different. someone more social and less of a homebody. somehow i think my life would be so different and have more excitement. but how can i do that when it's not in my nature? how can i fight and overcome that shyness and fear? it's so hard to do what you know you should do. i know i should exercise more, write more, meditate, see my family more, make more friends,but i don't. even though i know these things will make me happy. why?

hee hee hee!

sometimes you just need a good laugh-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt60_8I6IUw