snippet of my day

the following is an email exchange with a friend-

my email-
Are you busy today? I’m starting to get aggravated by my boss. She asks for certain things by a deadline and then changes what she asks for, confusing me and all the directors and wants everything done at the very last minute. And since I’m the one compiling information for her, everyone ends up getting upset with me! its not my fault because I’m just following her orders. Do you ever just feel like you need a long break from working to rest? I feel like I’ve worked so many years straight in this office setting and its starting to get to me. I didn’t tell you this because I didn’t want to talk about it, but a few weeks ago I went back on the medication for anxiety. Now I’m worried about gaining weight but sometimes I wonder if I should quit my job and just reassess my life, because I don’t want to have to be on medication just to get through the day you know? I felt so horrible this morning. tired and my head was aching and so anxious, I don’t know how much longer I could keep up with a job with this kind of stress level. Its ok, but sometimes my boss just asks for things and forgets what I already sent her and springs things up out of the blue and it’s really hard to deal with. I try to remember my blessings, and how much I love living on my own. But I don’t know if it’s worth all the stress that it’s causing me. I feel like I need a month off to feel centered and like myself again. I know the world won’t stop for me or anything, but sometime I wish it would. Or at least that I could take time off until I feel better.

her response-
it sounds like you are going through a lot of stress at work. i think that anxiety is normal in a work setting. i feel it too sometimes, like i cant keep up or what if i make a mistake but we cant stop to doubt ourselves because if we stop to think about it we will lose confidence. the truth is that everyone likely feels the same way you do but they don't let themselves stop to think about you can't change your boss but maybe you could take notes when she asks for thins that way you can have a record of what she asks for that way if she changes it you can play dumb, show her your notes and say oh you don't wan this anymore right? and she can see it in black and white its unfortunate but the way she acts with you is just the way she is. maybe her mind works like that it tough to work like that but every job has its problems

theres nothing wrong with being on meds sometimes they just help you get through the day, if you look at it like a chemical imbalance then its nothing to be ashamed and if they make you feel better what it wrong with that? i know what you mean about wanting a break, but i think that is just the cancer way of hiding and retreating into our shells and it isn't necessarily the best way to really deal with things you've gotten yourself through rough patches before and you can do it again we aren't given anything we can't handle

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looking on the bright side, at least my boss eliminated one complicated project that she was going to give me by providing all the information to the necessary parties herself, so that's something to be grateful for. i hate days of feeling so hazy like this, of just wanting to sleep for a week straight, of not feeling like i'm on the right foot or right frame of mind no matter what i do. i felt pretty good last night. i thought today would go better. but it's still early, maybe it will improve... tomorrow is friday, tomorrow is friday, tomorrow is friday,

I wish I could move to Europe sometimes, where a person’s quality of life is actually more important than work

nature's cruel joke

being in your eyes
like a storefront window
walking swiftly
drifting past a memory
a recognition, in the reflection
of me to you

can see we
and i stop
try to pull things together
and realign
misinterpret the signs
the whispers, the sighs
the silences that flash by

my interest wanes
how to sort a dream
image,
in the world of logic
in this reality
how are we to hold fast to them?
before fading
before wandering
through days and storms and night.

quote of the day

"why couldn't i have been born rich, instead of so darn good looking?!"
-sales director

that was close to being my exact thought this morning, haha. no, really, i'm not that vain. i am so far removed from my confidence at the moment and am slowly trying to get it back. i did want to stay in bed though, and i dreamt momentarily about being rich enough to not have to work. and how wonderful that would be in the winter months, when your bed is all warm and cozy and it literally hurts to get out of it and go out into the harsh winter cold.

the sales director whom i quoted above just offered me a sales manager position in queens. i guess he's looking to get rid of someone. me, a sales manager! yeah, maybe in a parallel universe. first of all, i could never work in sales of any kind, and secondly, that position entails long periods of time spent outdoors, no matter what the weather. thanks but no thanks. i don't care how big the pay raise would be, i would not want to be out in the snow and the hail and cold and rain. don't know how these people do it.

i recently saw the movie, 'the wackness' and thought it was pretty good. i have a weird facination with mary kate olsen so that was what initially drew me, but the story was interesting as it dealt with the harsh realities of life, growing older, working, and family relationships. i thought it was very well-acted. as was, 'the wrestler' which i also recommend. surprisingly, since i didn't think i'd have any interest in a movie centered around a former wrestler.

in the wackness, there is a scene where the main character's love interest tells him that instead of focusing on 'the dopeness' of life, he chooses to focus on 'the wackness' in a sense that he is a negative thinker, and doesn't focus on the positive things in life. it was articulated within the language of the movie, but nevertheless, it was touching. it was shot in such a way (on the beach in the surf at night) that you could not help but see her point..

anticipating springtime with new clothes..

blogs are weird aren't they? i mean the ones without a focus like mine. i hope mine won't ever be seen as one of the navel-gazing self obsessive type of blogs where people have nothing relevant to say. sure, it's fun sometimes to rant and get things off your chest. and i think people are interested in other people's lives, for purely voyeuristic reasons. but it shouldn't get too out of control with the personal stuff. at least i don't think so.

my mother recently gave me tons of new shirts for the spring and some new pants that are actually sort of big on me. and even a free dress. she came into all these clothes, and does on a regular basis because of samples that are sent to a clothing company that has offices in the building where she works. these samples are often thrown away, and sometimes destroyed before they are thrown away. which is so dumb and pointless when you think about how many people out there are in need of clothing for themselves and their children.

my mom is planning to buy a laptop this weekend so i'll have to show her how to use the internet. hopefully i can connect her to those sites like craigslist where people who are needy place ads asking for clothing donations. it's a shame to let all these perfectly good clothes go to waste. but i'm lucky in the sense that i get first pick :) and i ended up with some really pretty button down shirts for work, soft feminine floral shirts that are more casual, work pants in khaki and black and grey, some short sleeve t-shirts with pretty butterfly and floral designs in orange, green, white, etc., 3 pairs of jeans, and even 1 gorgeous blue coat and a cool wine colored trench coat. these things were all in perfect condition. it was incredible! she saved me from a bunch of spring shopping, and when the weather changes i can start to get rid of older shirts that i don't want anymore to make room for the new. my closet is bursting now with all the new stuff.

the good thing is that my mom gets to send a lot of the clothes to some of our needier relatives in Colombia, so that's a plus.

mom and dad's little girl

for parents, a child never grows up. for example, my mom gave me some peace sign earrings this past christmas because she said she knew i liked the peace sign. i was into wearing peace signs when i was about 11 years old. but i will always be a little girl to her and my father, and so will my sister, no matter how old we get. it's a bit bazaar. but it's the truth. to my mom i'm still the girl who loves to watch scary movies, even though that has dramatically changed since i started to live alone. i feel like i change and they have no idea how much or what parts of me are altered. but it doesn't matter.

i'm still the same little girl they nurtured, even though i'm nearing 30. and i doubt anything will ever change that. maybe it's my own fault for moving out and keeping them out of the loop, for not calling on a daily basis. though that's not the same as living with someone everyday and watching them go through changes.

it's weird to grow up and see your parents as people. regular people who are a part of your family, not super heroes, not protectors from the world, just people like you trying to figure out their lives. trying to help you as much as possible along the way. i have been lucky to have my parents stay together, and feel the security of going to their home. and that is a blessing that i do not take for granted. although it is a comfort, i can't completely rely on it. i have to trust myself to carry on and be strong and stand on my own two feet, take responsibility for things no matter how much i wish i could hide under the covers and hide from the world.

i wanted to do exactly that today, but there is work to come to, and life to figure out and i try to take one day at a time, so as not to overwhelm myself. so i think i have to try to lighten up more, not be so introspective, seek out fun and interesting people to fill my mind with new ideas, and try not to isolate myself so much. nothing can be gained without some risk, and getting to know more people can only be beneficial. it can teach me more about myself. i just have to get out of my own way, and overcome those underlying social fears.

poem i just wrote

endanger nature

if i were
to flower
under a solid cement
sidewalk,
a heavy stone floorbed

if i could remember,
have power to turn
the sun, to prosper-

light up the dew upon
petals
stretch out my leaves
what would be?
forthcoming
would i be?
fragrant and blossoming

would i be the one
to hold a secret?
draw down the heavens
and part the seas

would i endanger
nature's
delicate balance?

a little bit of everything..

some interesting things people have said recently:

'like my uncle always said, the only thing certain in life is death, everything else is negotiable.'
-my boss

'life is too short, god never meant for any woman to be abused'
-a coworker

'the first black president is being inaugurated right after martin luther king day, isn't that weird?'
- a coworker

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a haiku:

ten degrees today
a merciliess wind descends
sending skin to hiding

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friends i can't wait to meet:

a friend who shares inside jokes with me, in emails, on the phone, in person

a friend who meets with me regularly for uninterrupted writing time in a cafe or other public place

a friend who meets me to go shopping and get massages

a friend who lets me vent and listens to all i have to say without speaking over me

a friend who understands my quirks and loves me anyway

a friend who likes to go to flea markets

a friend who enjoys taking pictures, people watching and sightseeing

a friend who feels like a member of my family, whom i can call at all hours of the night

a friend who doesn't mind frequent hugs

a friend who will sympathize with my greatest fears and insecurities

a friend who understands the importance of play and light-heartedness (to help me not take things so seriously)

a friend who is creative, plays a musical instrument, writes songs or performs

a friend who is spontaneous and takes me out of my comfort zone..

a friend who is exactly like me, and one who is nothing like me

a friend who lives outside the mainstream and is a noncomformist, who can share a different point of view of the world with me

a friend who lets me disappear for a while, then welcomes me back just the same

how I find blogging ideas

reading the paper
overheard conversations
movie concepts
reading other blogs
reflecting on life
family events
things that piss me off
things that surprise me
things i'm curious about
coping with setbacks
things i find inspiring
poetic images
fantasies, dreams and explorations
a unique event or person i encounter
life in new york city
weird/funny/insigthtful comments people make
the world i observe
people's behaviors
noting my goals and accomplishments
music and it's messages
meditation and spirituality
intriguing personalities-celebrities or unknowns
changes i have undergone
hopes for the future
things that facinate me

my day job versus my passion

my day job allows for very little, if any, creativity and thought. the most i will have to do is create a spreadsheet, diagram, or summarize meeting notes. not very thrilling. and now with our not getting our pay raises until april, it kind of sucks to be working so hard and having benefits go up which are taken from our checks and not have our raises to balance things out. i would have rather had my annual raise then the company throwing us a christmas party. i think anyone would have agreed to that.

if i had it my way, i would get paid to write all day. write whatever i want to, poems, plays, essays, blogs, articles. who knows. maybe i would even attempt a book. i would take writing courses, join critique groups, maybe self publish a poetry chapbook. writing is my passion and it would be nice to live my days just doing that. i think i would be in my element. completely happy and using my mind in a creative way and it would be relaxing at the same time.

another great thing about writing is the solitude. the slowing down and inner reflection. these things are impossible in a bright, harsh, sometimes loud office setting filled with electronic devices. in this setting there are often annoying personalities sitting in close proximity to you, allowing you precious little time to really think, to get your work done properly without distractions, and to get at least 2 things done without the phone ringing off the hook. writing for a living would be like playtime. light and carefree, solitary and peaceful. but still prodcutive and engaging and fun.

i want a room with a view, a room of my own, was that virginia wolf who first created that concept? that being all that a woman really needs for writing? i can't seem to think right today. maybe because of being medicated in order to deal with the state of my life. that's the saddest thing of all. i used to be so happy and at ease and at peace with myself and my place in the world. now i am all over the place and it doesn't feel right. it's sitting there below the surface just waiting for my proper attention to it. it's hard to explain. maybe my shadow self is slowly trying to take over...

saturn's return

i'm definitely going through a bit of trauma right now due to my own saturn return now that i'm 29 and will be turning 30 this year. more information about this phenomenon can be found here. it's a fearful thing. though people claim that things only get better and that i do not look my age, i'm still fearful. i think because i'm not the best at handling change. big changes really freak me out. like when my nephew was born, or my sister got married, the fact that she just got herself a house and will be moving in by the end of next month, and my grandfather dying. i think i will fell the same unease when my parent's finally get around to selling their house too. don't know why, i have just always been that way. i'm comforted by things just remaining the same. but change happens all the time whether we like it or not.

the more i read about saturn's return, the more i realize that's what's happening to me, and it's kind of comforting because i know now that i'm not going crazy, and lots of people tend to go through some bit of identity crisis at this age. i actually wrote a long journal entry in my regular journal last night about this. wanting to just sit back and shut myself off and reflect on myself and my life and what i really want, seems to have utmost importance right now. more than anything else. and it distracts me from just going through the motions of living.

i think the scariest thing sometimes is the idea of having to grow up. i feel like with the age of 30 comes the end of fun clothes, being young and sexy and carefree, and the end of not taking responsilbity for myself and my own happiness. a large part of me wants to regress and move back home and have my parents take care of me until my head gets sorted out, which i heard happens around the age of 35. but who knows. my mom told me something i will never forget. she is about 55 or 56 years old, and she said she would not trade being her age for any other age. she feels pity for younger people because of all the living they still have to go through, when she's already gone through all of it and she feels a sense of relief as a result. that gives me some hope for peace of mind when i become middle aged.

i'm trying so hard to take things one day at a time. to not worry so much about how the future will turn out, while still formulating goals to reach, because we cannot just live our lives aimlessly with nothing to strive for or look forward to. i just want to feel like there are still good times to look forward to, a momentum to the life that i am living and a purpose behind it. i don't want to be an ignorant person, ignoring myself and distracting myself with unimportant things. i want to be a grateful, productive, peaceful and loving person. calm and at ease with who i am and the way i'm carrying out my life. i only hope that that is possible for me.

i hate television

lately there has been nothing on worth watching and it's getting kind of annoying. i haven't been renting so many netflix movies as i have now and it's because absolutely nothing is on. what is there for a young woman on tv these days? the girls next door (which seems to be on every single night)? a double shot of love? rock of love bus? i mean, i don't think so. i keep my tv because of shows like project runway and america's next top model, which are already going down the tubes. it's not like my choice for winner ever wins or anything.

it's so funny how with the broadcasting conversion, the commercials are warning people that they could risk losing all tv signals if they don't buy a converter box. oh the horror! just think, the end of endless tv watching, what a tragedy! i should really cancel my cable. it's adding absolutely nothing to my life and is just resulting in another bill to pay. i never watch it anyway. seems kind of pointless. maybe i'll watch a rerun of 90210 while i eat dinner, but that's about it. mostly i watch my DVD's.

people are going out and buying converters when it might not even be necessary, just because they are so worried about losing their tv signals. i don't see what the big deal is. all our lives would probably benefit from a loss in tv signals. maybe we can turn our minds to more beneficial pursuits and marvel at how much free time we suddenly have in our lives to do the things we really long to do.

my latest netflix rental was a british tv show called 'hex' but i mistakenly rented disc 2 instead of disc 1, so it was already well into the story and i was a bit confused. but it was still a good, entertaining show. and the theme song was #1 crush by Garbage, my favorite band, so that was a nice surprise. I have to rent disc 1 now to see how the whole story began. silly me

short poem

uncommonly
the days burst forth
like a ripe fruit
the gardens of all of our
unawares
our waverings
our souls in the crush of time
release
make nonsenical moves

make historical slides
in our insides
each day anew
we are born
each day anew
we are sensing
time

signs

lately, i have been getting lots of signs it seems from the universe to quit my job. today on the train i saw a sign that said 'life is too short for the wrong job!' isn't that the truth? i felt so close to quitting my job yesterday that it wasn't even funny. people at work were annoying me and i just felt like i am in the wrong place. like i'm wasting my time and my talents. this isn't where i was meant to be. and maybe we are not meant to know where we are meant to be, but i don't want to wait until it's too late. it would be nice to have some sort of work that allows for creativity, for self-expression. i think that would be more fulfilling. i think that would give me more of an incentive to get out of bed.

for the first time ever, i'm thinking about my own life without the expectations of what others will think. who cares? we are the only ones who know what will make us happy. and i think sometimes it's very wise to act on your impulses. if deep down you realize that it's for your own good, no matter what happens.

i was talking to someone recently at my boyfriend's art exhibition who told me in the exact words, "whatever you are going to do, do it now! don't wait. because one day you'll wake up at age 50 wondering where your life went and why you didn't take more chances. When you're young, you think you have all the time in the world. But that's not the case." I think I'm getting all these signs for a reason. It's time to take action. For my own sanity and mental health. Sure, maybe I will wait a few weeks but it would be nice for once to go forward without a plan, to not be so responsible and serious. i think that's my problem. i have so much trouble loosening up.

when i was doing the test shoot the other day. i felt fine. not uncomfortable, not anxious, not stressed. it was fun. and i felt like it was a productive way to spend my day. now if i can only make my life match that feeling. i know stress is inevitable and maybe i need to learn how to deal with it better, but there also must be ways to lessen the amount of stress that we experience. i don't want to feel that life is slipping away. there is so much confusion in my mind that i choose to do nothing, take things one day at a time. but those days are going to add up to my lifetime if i don't act now. i think there are ways to live in the world without following the status quo, without being trapped in a 9 to 5 rat race, and i think some people quietly long for that but resign themselves to the way things are, thinking there could never be anything more. i've been that person for about 8 years. it's time to change for the better, it's time to trust in myself.

i subscribe to these 'thoughts from the universe' emails and this one really stood out to me, so i printed it out and keep it in my daily planner. so it's with me at all times.

Date: Mon, 5 Jan 2009
03:20:00 -0500
From: theuniverse@tut.com
To: fairy710@hotmail.com
Subject: TUT... A Note from the Universe

Karen, it's within you: the answers you seek, the direction you want, and the power to be whoever you want to be. Your dreams are not yours by mere whim. They've been meticulously matched to the gifts you're now developing. Designed to lure you within, where your true power lies, and then out into the world, beyond imagined limitations and fears. Trust yourself. Listen to your heart. You have the right stuff, you know what to do, and it can all be yours.

Hosanna in the highest,
The Universe

some results of my test photo shoot..

the curious case of karen

since it's freezing in my apartment and the heat hasn't kicked in yet, i thought i'd stay here in the living room (the only room with a radiator) and write a new entry on my blog.

so new year's didn't go as planned. i was sad in a way but also glad that i didn't have to go out and freeze in my dress, and drink all night and be forced to dance. it was a relaxing new year's with the man i love, though i did miss being with my mom and family. i went to see the curious case of benjamin button today. and i was pretty underwhlemed. the story was great, and the setting and characters, but brad pitt's performance, which was supposed to be the heart of the movie, was bland to say the least. like my boyfriend put it, he pretty much sleep walks through his part. and it isn't much fun to watch.

i feel lucky for a lot of things in my life. the movie today touched on themes of starting over if you're life is not fulfilling enough. i know that right now i am very fortunate, but i can't help but dream of the possibility of being more and having more, and living the life i would imagine that i could never live. being truly and fully living, on my own terms. going after my dreams without any fear. or at least facing that fear head on.

i think about my fondest dreams, and how i could never imagine making them real, and realizing that if i can imagine them, then there must be a way to do them. and maybe that will be the way to true happiness and fulfillment, instead of being a spectator in life. i could be a participant, if i push myself a little more, if i ask myself the truly important questions and answer myself in all honesty. sometimes i want to start over too. just be spontaneous, drop whatever isn't working and isn't making me feel alive, and see where life takes me. that has never been in my character, but perhaps it should be. i will never get these years of my life back. it would be wise to make the most of them that i can..