head and heart in opposition

i don't have much work right now so i thought since i'm here and awake (barely), i'd start writing and see what comes out. life is weird. one day you wake up and you know you have changed somehow. you're growing older, your priorities are subtly shifting, and then you are left to the task of making your life fit into your new mindset. because if it keeps going on the way that it has been, you won't be happy or fulfilled. but it's so hard to break out of old habits. it's so hard to try to socialize and give up my alone time when i know that that is what i should be doing.

i try to tell myself to slow down, enjoy the journey, take pleasure in the little things, not to put so much pressure on myself to improve, to become better, and just be and accept who i am. but it can be hard.
when all of your life decisions are left completely up to you, the options can be daunting. there are so many different directions and possibilities to consider, that it can become immobilizing. and i get so wrapped up in the minutia of the everyday, that i can't stop long enough to really think about things, to think about where i want to be in life, and try to move towards the things that will make me happy. where is the line drawn between coasting along and enjoying the journey and simply being in the 'now'?

i get so concerned with other people and what they will think, that i forget to think about myself, and what i really want. and that is really not healthy. it starts to wear away at me. i'm so lucky in so many ways, and i want to be able to enjoy that. not worry that i should be on some sort of timeline to accomplish things in life, not feel like a let down to people if i'm not a major success or fitting the mold of some conventional life. it takes bravery and courage to step into one's own and not worry about what people with think, and yet some people do it effortlessly. it just comes naturally. i wish i could be one of those people.

sometimes something in my brain switches and i think, this job isn't so bad. this commute isn't so bad. people are not so horrible. but it all depends on my point of view and mood on a particular day. some days my heart says, quit your job, stay home and never show up again, burn all your bridges. who cares? you will figure it out, you will find something else. but then i think i am not possibly being rational, and i go on with my life, wondering if i'm settling for mediocrity. for living in a way that is so much less than who i am and what i could be doing with my life.

my sister went to a psychic recently, he told her answers to questions she was only thinking and hadn't yet verbalized. he told her she would have a daughter and that her family was strong and her baby boy would grow up to be very tall and have an interest in baseball. he told her lots of specific things. i was scared by that thought when she told me all that he said about her future, but now i'm thinking that i may want to go see him too. maybe he can shed some light on all the mysteries clouding my mind. and i'll know whether i should keep listening to my head, or start listening to my heart.