spontaneous poems

just saw this amazing movie, 'waitress' that i was not expecting to like so much. i'm completely in love with it in fact. it is one of the most brilliantly written scripts i think in existence. no exaggeration! you must watch this movie! it is romantic but not in a sickening way, it is genuine and so real and the writing is so sharp that it made me sad that i didn't write it myself. it ranks up there with 'the crow' and 'shakespeare in love' and is one of my favorites now. it has these touching moments, one right after the other, and the characters are not typical movie characters. they are realistic and aware and bold, and it makes the movie so refreshing and enjoyable.

they should make more movies like this. unfortunately, i also found out that the writer, director, and one of the actors in the film, Adrienne Shelley, (the waitress named dawn) was murdered before the movie even premiered. so completely sad and shocking, because you cannot imagine how brilliant this story is, the script, the dialogue, the conversations, the voice overs. i wanted to watch every scene again and again. it was completely engrossing, like a great novel being acted out on film. watch it and see!!! the scenes of the main character, jenna, with the man she has an affair with are some of the most romantic scenes i've ever seen in my life. it will totally get to you and affect your soul.

there is a scene involving dawn telling her fellow waitress girlfriends about the 'spontaneous poems' that her boyfriend writes for her on the spot. it is one of the best scenes, so funny and touching-i love the poem where he says her face is a moon. but i won't ruin it for you. and i even laughed out loud at one scene where jenna is asked out by her doctor to get coffee, her response is the best. i love this movie! it made me happy.

i will definitely have to see the other 2 movies Adrienne Shelley has written..

what's that all about?

had a dream the other night that i went to see some woman who does body energy work, like clearing negative energy from people. she placed a hand over my upper abdomen, closed her eyes, muttered some words, and i felt an energy come forward from my body into her hand. afterwards i felt a dull ache on both sides of my back. what's that all about?

the next day on my way to class, some lady walks directly in my path and hands me a card with a phone number to get more info about a psychic reading. the weird thing is that the card also advertises the release/cleansing of negative energies for mind, heart, body, spirit, bad luck, spells, evil entities, etc. what's that all about??

on my way home from class on my walk to the train, i pass by some guy randomly playing the violin on some steps outside a building in soho. what's that all about?

after meditating on monday night, i end up having a pretty bad day at work. not at all what i expected to happen. and it was pretty cold this morning, very cold actually, and it's now june 17th, and a couple of days from now will be the official beginning of summer. i think it's on sunday actually. what's what all about?

quite a confusing time right now to say the least.

today's insight:

The more honest I am with others and myself, the happier I am.

7 things i'm grateful for today

1. taking today off of work and relaxing
2. having a fun day yesterday with my bf at the open studio day at monroe center in hoboken
3. not having to worry about more rain when i go to class tomorrow
4. applesauce
5. having clear skin and going out without makeup
6. fashion photography books, magazines and web sites
7. feeling rested and having time (and quiet) for meditation
8. (bonus)- getting my laundry done today

i just finished reading a book called 'wings of joy' by Sri Chinmoy. i definitely recommend it, it was very inspiring and fun to read.

i'm only happy when it rains

i've been doing a lot of homework for my class, and even though i wrote in my regular journal last night, i haven't written much here. it's been raining a lot lately. and it's kind of annoying because it's way into june and it's still pretty cold. not to mention that the air conditioning is on so high in my office, it's a wonder that i haven't gotten sick yet. somehow today i managed to finish two reader reports (summaries of unsolicited manuscripts) and watch a movie. i saw 'the curve' which was ok, but not great. it's always nice to watch someone in a movie with hair as curly as mine. keri russell was in 'the curve.' it makes me feel like less of an outsider. my hair has been impossible to control in this weather. i hate it! if i put a hat on, i get hot and sweat and my hair curls up, and if i leave a hat off, then my hair gets frizzy and big. i can't win!

i guess it pays off to have a job that isn't busy at times, so i can get my schoolwork done. espeically when my boss is not in the office. i still get my work done. i just use the extra time to my advantage :) my boss bought a cute purple dress this week for $10 that she couldn't exchange. it didn't fit her so she gave it to me and i got a free dress. too bad it hasn't been warm enough out to really wear it. and the one day i did, i nearly froze to death.

i feel bad that i haven't followed through with my hope to write a play. my sweet bf bought me a book to help me along the process and everything, but it just fell to the wayside once i started taking classes. it's hard when you don't even have an idea what to write a play about either. i have been wanting to do so much more lately. i'm bored with myself and need new stimulation and motivation. i know i'm capable of accomplishing a lot, and not even attempting things upsets and frustrates me. i feel like i'm short changing myself and wasting time. there are so many people out there who had so many disadvantages and less education, who have done so much more than i have, like written books, and travelled abroad, and had other creative accomplishments to their credit. and i have a blog with no central point, just a venue for my wayward thoughts and emotions and occasional insights.

this post has been all over the place. to add to the chaos, here are some sites i've been addicted to lately:

www.streetpeeper.com
www.luckymag.com
www.antonioestevez.net
http://repurposeful.wordpress.com/
http://www.10bestchristiandatingservices.com/blog/2008/11/102-ways-to-simplify-your-life-and-strengthen-your-relationships/
http://www.fashiongonerogue.com/

poem prompted by today's entry at joesnyc.com

drab rags

if i could somehow be purple or lavendar
listening intently to windows
wondering of water droplets falling
onto a white, clean cloth
foreboding, i
walk these streets to sense this
forever climbing and falling onto rooftops
grasping at straws
wishing the weeping willow trees
could call on me

the street sweeps white
the glare is blinding
i want to walk down the beauteous path
the path of lightning
i want to wander alone and among
the stars of the morning
riding along the dawning
feeling the light sky blue

life's too short

one summer night a long time ago, my boyfriend and i were walking through the city. it was rainy and misty outside and i kept fussing about my hair and worrying that it was getting frizzy and messed up. my boyfriend finally got fed up and said to me, 'who cares? life's too short, just enjoy yourself.' and for some reason, i really got the message. and felt foolish about my constant need for perfection and control of my circumstances. i learned a big lesson that night. and i think of it often when i find myself fussing and stressing myself out over dumb little things. it's not the end of the world if things don't go just right, or just the way i planned or imagined. i really learned that from him. as everything that went wrong before in my life used to be like a big tragedy to me. and i wouldn't let it go, bemoaning the unfairness of it all.

it was really immature and i'm not sure where i got that mindset from. it used to be (and still is at times) so hard for me to just let go of things and expectations and just relax and go with the flow. it's something that i'm still working on in fact. and something that i hope i can improve about myself.

i remembered this lesson again recently when my boss asked me what my plans were for the memorial day weekend. i didn't really have any plans so i told her that, and she suggested that i go to the beach. i said i wouldn't because it was supposed to rain i think it was that sunday, and she said, 'so who cares? you'll get wet, just go anyway!' and i thought, there it is again. the need for something to be perfect, at the expense of doing something just for the hell of it. just to get away somewhere. and then i thought about the fact that i never let myself get caught in the rain. i always seem to be prepared. and being so prepared for every little inconvenience in life is probably costing me some living.

so when i feel a deep need for control over something, i have to remind myself to let go and just let things be how they will be. just because i spend one sunny day at home, it doesn't mean that that will be my last chance ever to enjoy a sunny day. i could go out and be having the time of my life when i'm 33 or 41 or 47. i tend to have this all or nothing type of attitude. it does not do me any good and causes much unneeded stress, but i'm grateful that now at least i am aware of it enough to catch myself when my mind wants to latch on to some outcome. when i pin all my hopes onto trivial things.

the caged bird sings

last night i attended my first class for the next course on my list to get my certificate in editing from NYU. It's called From Writer to Reader: An Introduction to Book Publishing. and it's taught by esther margolis. she founded newmarket press i believe it was back in the 60s, when it was unheard of for a woman to do something like that. she told some amazing stories. like being the only woman in a sales meeting of 300 once, and getting to work with the nobel prize winning poet maya angelou. esther worked on the publicity for one of maya's first books. and she created an event (to be covered by the press) in which maya would speak to school children in harlem.

maya agreed to do so on one condition. she asked esther, 'what will they pay to listen to me speak?' and esther said, 'maya, these are school children in harlem, what do you mean?' and maya said 'it doesn't matter if it's just 10 cents or a quarter. they should pay something because they will listen differently if they have paid to hear me speak. and esther said it was one of the biggest lessons she learned in her career doing publicity for book authors. maya angelou is a poet who's words i fell in love with in high school, and here was this woman who had worked with her, just casually telling the story as if it were anybody. she said maya was extraordinary though. and how could she not be? the kids ended up paying a quarter to get into the auditorium to hear her speak, and the money raised by her appearance did not go to her either, it went to charity.

we also saw a brief video about the publishing business, which featured nikki giovanni. another amazing poet that i love. and i actually never even knew what she looked like. i was encourage by the way that the authors and editors described all the different facets of working in publishing, and how someone could taylor their particular interest into a career in it. they can start as editorial assistants and move their way up all the way to senior editor, or someone could start in administration or HR or even in the legal side in the contracts department, or production, art, or many others. i know there has to be a niche somewhere in their for me. right now i feel like it may be editing. but i'm not absolutely certain yet. i guess it just takes getting your feet wet to see where you most want to end up. the first homework assignment is really interesting which seems promising for the whole course.

Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

-Maya Angelou

day off from the everyday

this memorial day has been a very reflective one for me. i started to think about what is important to me, and if the way i currently live my life really reflects that or not. i know i'm doing ok. in a good position. i have a job that allows me to live on my own and the freedom is great. i can come and go as i please without having to answer to anyone. and i consider how so many people are out of work these days, and in much worse situations, like having a family to support. or situations like my young cousin who graduated college more than a year ago and is looking for a job every day with little luck, and i've tried recommending him to several positions in my company which he has applied for but has not gotten. and he's stuck living at home with his parents in the meantime.

i think about those things when i think back to when i first started to get panic attacks, and had to go on medication. i went off of it because i hated being on medication. and was fine for a few months, but then, this past winter. it came back. out of nowhere. caused by stress at work and my pushing myself too hard. i feel good at work usually. when i'm not overwhelmed. it feels nice to do a job i can handle. to get the occasional challenge, and to of course get paid. and interacting with coworkers distracts my mind, and takes the focus off me, and lets me realize how far i've come with my confidence. yet i have those moments where i think, maybe i should have listened to my body and the way that it responded to this stress in my life. maybe i should have changed myself instead of solving the problem with medication.

maybe i should have left my job and let myself and my mind rest and regroup. because even though i feel ok now. i'm still not 100% back to being me. i feel like i can go to work and do my job, and therefore have the freedom to do whatever i want. and be able to spend time with my boyfriend whom i love, and go to family events without having to worry about passing out or panicking or forgetting who i am. but at the same time. i feel like i'm giving up a part of me. when i go to write, i don't find my same personality that was always there, and i almost feel that i have nothing honest to say. i feel constantly tired and like my body aches for no good reason. i fall asleep so early that i feel like my 62 year old dad who falls asleep right after dinner. and i don't know why. i want to have my interest in things back again. i don't want to feel like i'm just coasting along with no purpose or priorities. just getting rest when i'm not working and that's it. i want to feel that fun again of staying up late, reading, listening to music, going out by myself to the park to write, or to the city to shop, or whatever. those desires don't seem to be there now and it worries me.

i'm close to being 30 years old. still not sure of what i want for myself or my life. or maybe i am sure, and i'm just letting everyone else's opinions crowd out my own. who knows? i know i need a change, a break in my routine, different scenery, but somehow i'm still locked up inside myself. i don't know how to reach out and connect. i don't feel there is anything interesting about me left. is it worth it to have a high paying job to afford nice clothes and a fancy cell phone if there's no one to call up to hang out with? and it's my own fault for being the way i am. my mind changes so often but i get caught up in the day to day of living and never really slow down to pay attention to myself or what i really want. i was raised to push myself, to over achieve, to do well always, to please and impress people, but i usually end up doing that at my own expense. sometimes i think i feel better when i'm alone, and then when i'm with other people i tell myself, i need to be around other people more. it changes all the time, and just leaves me confused.

it's like i've forgotten how to have fun or something. i have fun with my boyfriend because he's my best friend and i love him. but i can't really rely on one person to fulfill all my social needs. i used to be ok on my own. i've lived alone since i was 25 years old. and i've always been able to entertain myself somehow and even feel comfortable in solitude. but it's probably not healthy. my life will have no point if i spend all this time on my own when i'm still young. i'm going to end up aging myself faster, getting comfortable being in a rut. and unable to bring myself out. i try to fill my mind with positivity. positive books, movies, people. and i am always grateful for the life i do have, and for my health. because i have known what it's like to not have my health. so i say i should just relax and live my life and let go of my need for control. it's not serving me in any way. i am the least spontaneous person ever. and it's pretty sad. i want to feel like i'm not just going through the motions. like i have my creativity back, and my energy and spirit. it's like somewhere deep inside me and somehow subdued. and i'm not sure what to do to get it back.

when i wrote that poem in my last post to my boyfriend, i wrote it while i was at work and sent it to him. as i read it back to myself i started to cry a little. and it was because i knew that my feelings for him are so real. and it was the first time in such a long time that i was able to cry. to really express myself. and i realized then that i was finally really being me.

poem for the one i love

you come and find me
you come to fix me
show me to live simply
take things slow

i fall into the day
creep along dark corners
you light my way

i close my eyes
pray when the day dawns
put on a green dress

i narrow down
my emotional storms,
hold in my tears
my poems, myself
a lost, wandering spirit
a winded being winding down

getting me to let go
you take my hands
take me down to where
no time can hold me

where rivers run deep
living in a dream
you set me free

angels & demons

this movie pissed me off. let me just say, if you haven't read the book, read the book instead of watching this movie. it was ok up until the end. the story could have made an amazing film, if it was done correctly. the da vinci code movie was extremely faithful to the book, and that's why i think it was better. even though most people hated it. i really liked it, and even own the DVD. but angels & demons was a let down. and the ending in the book was a bit of a let down too in a way, but i understood both sides of the story. i'm about to majorly spoil anyone who has not read the book or seen the movie, so beware.

in the book, the secret society of the illuminati is supposedly out for revenge and plotting to kidnap and murder four cardinals in line for the papacy. they do this by murdering one cardinal every hour, according to the 4 natural elements: earth, air, fire, and water. thus, one cardinal is buried alive and suffocated with dirt, one cardinal has his lungs punctured, one is burned alive while hanging christ-like over a fire, and the last is drowned. now all through the book, you are led to believe that the illuminati are indeed real, and have resurfaced to take their revenge on the church. at the end though, you find out all the while that a head priest in the vatican, called the camarlengo, was behind the fictional resurfacing of the illuminati, and there is in fact no threat at all to the church. it was all his idea to create this grand story to attract the attention of the world and the media, and to restore (on a grand scale) the faith of the human race in christiantiy.

in the novel, the carmalengo makes this amazing, moving, beautiful, several pages-long speech in which he defends his motives. he explains the importance of faith, spirituality, and christianity and how important it is to human lives to believe in God. it is something that i would not be able to articulate myself. it comes towards the end of the novel and it was the part of the book that stood out to me the most. the problem was that in the movie, THEY TOTALLY LEAVE THAT PART OUT!!! it barely registers that the carmalengo was behind the whole illuminati plot and it's glossed over in one tiny scene. i was so angry. that was the most important passage of the book, as it shows the reasoning behind all the events of the novel.

even though i was upset that the illumaniti did not in fact resurface in the book, but was all the plan of the carmalengo for the benefit of the catholic church, the way he justified his actions - the murders, etc, makes you understand him. you sympathize with his reasoning. and he ties together so eloquently all his beliefs and passions about religious faith. it is something that the novel and story would NOT be complete without. and that's why the movie majorly let me down. you'll see what i mean if you decide to read the novel and see the movie. please do yourself a favor and read the novel first, that way at least you will know the whole story. ugh!! frustration!

happy birthday Ryan!!

happy birthday to my sweet nephew and godson Ryan on his 3rd birthday today!!

free of clutter!

i have been reading a lot lately about clutter clearing for a more simple, lighter home and lighter existence in the world. i love reading about anything that makes life simpler and less complicated. i took a day off from work last friday to do a deep clean of my apartment, using the time to clean, but also to clear out my useless clutter. i ended up throwing out about 4 large garbage bags of stuff. and it's nice to have space in my closets and bookshelf and dresser again. everything was just filling up to overflowing, and it was driving me crazy.

it wasn't like a threw out whole bunches of things all at once, but just a few things here and there, a few books, some old clothes and pajamas, some old postcards with artwork that no longer mean anything to me, some old photos that no longer hold meaning for me, magazines and catalogues that were just lying around, old makeup, some jewelry i never wear, and some other odds and ends that my mother has given me that i never use.

all this useless stuff was dragging me down and i was keeping it for i don't know what reason. probably just laziness and procrastination when it came to clearing out. sometimes it amazes me the sheer amount of stuff that i have, and i'm only one person. a lot of it, like most of my clothes and jackets, were gifts from my mom, so at least i don't have the guilt of having acquired this huge amount of stuff by paying a lot of money for it. i've just been blessed i guess, by other's generosity, and my own ability to support myself and buy the things that i like and want.

i know right now i still have more stuff that i need and use, but it's a work in progress, as the flow of clutter into our lives never really ends. what with all the unwanted gifts, junk mail, hand me downs, etc. but it's nice to have periodic clutter clear outs. it cleanses the soul and frees you up for more important things in life.

writing prompt i found online, and my response

Would you work for someone who stresses you out even if the money was good?

i would not do this. it's not worth it to work for someone who stresses you out just for good money. good money means nothing if you're spending most of your time miserable. having lots of money in the bank won't bring you happiness, once you have your basic necessities covered i mean. i've never been a person to chase after a big paycheck. i would be happy having enough money to cover my expenses, and maybe a little left over, but nothing outrageous. i'd trade a high stress high paying job for a lower stress, lower paying job any day. my peace of mind and health mean a lot to me.

i thing my non-greediness is exemplified by the fact that i'm taking courses in relation to editing and the publishing field, which is notorious for low-paying salaries. but the work would be challenging enough for me to enjoy and feel like i'm using my mind and working at something i am good at. and there are some perks. the professor of my copyediting class said there is an opening for a copyeditor where she works. this position is for someone who can copyedit and do some writing, as well as manage some projects. the pay would be about 8k more a year than i currently make, and there is crazy vacation time.

she said you get a month off the day you walk in the door, so you could theoretically take a month off, after working there for a month. and the job offers a seven hour work day (35 hour work week) which is also great. and the atmosphere is very relaxed. that sounds pretty ideal to me. if i could somehow in my lifetime get a job with perks like that, i think i would be in heaven. a student in my class mentioned that at her publishing house, they take sick days on an honor system, meaning if an employee is sick, they just don't come in the office without even having to call in! i could not believe what i was hearing.

at my company, taking a sick day is practically a federal offense. it can get ridiculous. in the department where i used to work, we could not call in sick for a certain number of days, like 5 or something, and not on Mondays, or we would be written up and threatened that we'd lose our jobs! i'm grateful that it's not that way in my current department, but it's still hard to take time off without having to catch up on mountains of work, and disappointing the person you're working for, and still having to check emails on off days to make sure all your deadlines and responsibilities are taken care of.

i try to stay on top of things, but many of the people i work with tell me that they just give up. they do what they can and let the rest go and not worry about it. which is what i should try more to do. it's not easy!

here comes the rain again

i thought april was the month for rain, not may. why is it raining for the whole week straight?!

i've been getting bored with myself lately. nothing to say, nothing to write about. i keep waiting for that perfect time to start writing again, but things just get in the way. maybe now that my class is ending and i won't start my 3rd class for a couple of weeks, i'll have more time and energy. i keep having this recurring dream that i'm flying. and my dreams have these long narratives. some of them are like fairy tales. i wake up telling myself, i have to write all this down, the whole plot is just laid out before me, all the characters are there and the dialogue is written. it's all done! but then, as usually happens, i get caught up in my daily routine and forget the dreams entirely. it's a bit annoying. so in my dream lately i have this power to fly, and this power to shoot lasers from my hands, to fight my enemies and shoot them far away from me. it's kind of empowering, however strange it might sound. and it feels totally natural and real when i'm dreaming it. seems totally normal. the same thing has happened in a few dreams now, sometimes in non-consecutive nights and i find that weird because i never have recurring dreams. i remember reading somewhere that recurring dreams of flying means you long to escape the current circumstances in your life. maybe my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something?

today's poem a day challenge from poetic asides

For today's prompt, I want you to pick a color, make that the title of your poem, and write a poem that is inspired by that color.

my response-

aqua

something along shores
of a gently breathing ocean
something along skies
of a breathless train
a falling thundering rain
a newly birthed lifeform
a cresting wave

something solid that overcomes you
turns to liquid, scales back into
blue
you listen for it, hear it among the
birds and wilderness, hear it among
the lakes and waters
vivdly it renders you helpless
as you sink deep

break from the ordinary

i remember reading on another person's blog an entry about how breaking your routine in small ways can give you a totally new perspective on life, and i think that is really true. she mentioned wearing her hair half up in a new style for a change and feeling like a new person all day, like a princess or something, and washing different parts of her body in the shower and drying off with her towel differently, just to see if it would make a difference, and it did.

i remember when i used to go to meditation group meetings and the teacher would mention that as well. she would ask that we all sit in different seats at the following meeting, or after returning from a trip, we change a particular picture or wall hanging in our living room, just as a reminder that life is fluid, and change is always happening. i have been wanting to break my routine, maybe by going out for walks early in the morning before work, but it is still so cold outside!

i suppose i can walk a different route home, or to and from the train station, but that's such a small thing. i always intend to do things, like organize my closets, make something new for dinner, throw away clutter, invite someone over. but it's difficult sometimes. like last night, all the rain just made me feel sleepy and i went to bed early.

writing things down in my planner helps as a reminder, but for some reason i find it so hard to let go of the old in my life, clear clutter and make space for something new. maybe what i need is fresh energy, new people in my life for new ideas, reinforcing connections. it's amazing how quickly anxiety evaporates when i'm around someone i care about for even a short period of time. they bring me outside myself, and stop my obsessing.

i feel so uncreative lately, can't write anything. i think maybe i should try new modes of self-expression. painting? exercise? cooking? photography? dancing? singing? life is so full of options, of activity, of different people and new things happening all the time. how is it possible that we allow ourselves to get stuck in a rut? it seems completely insane when you think about it.

the glamorous life

i was watching 'lewis and clark & george' today, one of the movies that rose mcgowan starred in. i think it was from 1997. the movie is shot in such a way that it makes you want to be there, i mean, besides the violence and that kind of stuff. rose facinates me, i think because part of me wants to have lived her life. what girl would not want to put on some dark red lipstick, and perform a scene like this?

my playlist of happy songs

i had an idea to make a playlist of songs that would put me in a good mood to face those espcially dreary monday or rainy mornings when i'm commuting to work. my list is below. i did a search for 'feel good songs' on the internet but didn't find much to my interest. except maybe 'i can see clearly' by bob marley. i'll probably add that one to my playlist soon.

but so far this is mine, maybe it will work for you too :)

1. crazy in love - beyonce
2. beautiful life - ace of base

(i will be adding 'te quise tanto' by paulina rubio to the third spot)

3. human touch - bruce springsteen
4. nowadays - 'chicago' movie soundtrack
5. come into my world - kylie minogue
6. badass - garbage
7. volcano girls - veruca salt
8. amazing - madonna
9. genius of love - tom tom club
10. holiday - greenday
11. drop dead gorgeous - republica
12. we're from barcelona - unknown artist
13. a man after midnight - abba
14. totally free - elk city
15. two of hearts - stacy q
16. more than a feelin' - boston
17. all that jazz - 'chicago' movie soundtrack
18. st. jimmy - greenday
19. can't get you out of my head - kylie minogue
20. happy go lucky me - paul evans
21. i'm on e - blondie
22. pretty baby - blondie
23. mamma mia - abba
24. chiquitita - abba
25. special - garbage
26. crab - weezer
27. feel the spin - debrah harry
28. rock'n'roll and the teenage desperation - loudermilk
29. the sun won't shine - angelfish
30. pennyless'- the misery loves
31. she bop - jawbreaker soundtrack
32. smile - weezer
33. tamacun - rodrigo y gabriela

7 things i'm grateful for today

1. for the new laundry machines in my building, since there were none before.

2. for a week off from copyediting class next week

3. for my CD of ocean wave sounds

4. that i'll have the chance to go to sleep early tonight

5. that i don't have to cook since i have leftovers that my mom made.

6. for chocolate chip cookies

7. for my health, senses, clothes, parents, job, freedom, apartment, creative abilites, music, and coupons that come in the mail from victoria's secret for free underwear, lol

sleep deprived

yesterday was my dad's 62nd birthday, so i went to my parent's house to go see him and give him a card and some money. he said he came to this county when he was 26, and now it's 36 years later, and the 6 is in front of the 2. though he was joking around that he's only turning 48. i was going to post a picture of myself with him that was taken recently, but i look horrible in it, so never mind. i don't understand why the camera adds about 20 pounds on me.

i got home pretty late and didn't get much sleep so my brain is only half working today. i feel drowsy and tired and annoyed. but i usually feel that way on tuesdays, since it's my long day because of my class. i got home late last night because my sister was coming over too with my nephew and asked me to wait for her so she could see me and i could see my nephew. she brought my dad some dunkin dohnuts and put a candle on one chocolate one and sang him happy birthday. it was pretty funny.

i got home at 10pm, washed dishes and took a shower and by the time i was in bed it was about 12am. and then at that time of course i got the urge to write, just because so much was swirling in my head. i thought it would help me fall asleep if i wrote everything down that was i was thinking about. but it didn't really help and i had trouble falling asleep anyway. i feel like i'm so different from my family. like i don't always fit in with them and am like the black sheep or something. it's not because of anything they do. it's just the way that i am. it's like being on the outside looking in, and not really being sure why.

today's poem a day challenge from poetic asides-

For today's poem, I want you to write a poem about something missing. It can be about an actual physical object or something you just can't put your finger on (like "love" or "the spirit of Christmas" or something).

My response-

getting lost

if i were missing
would anyone really care
where i go? would you know
the scent of something
gone? the reasoning behind
it, only i would be running
and escaping and squinting
my eyes in the darkness
only i would be wandering
lost and afraid perhaps i would be
dreaming or calling out your name
i would know that lost
is how i have always felt
a moth flitting along
some train tracks, a runaway,
a child left behind, a woman
who's vanished, a soul set adrift
i would be calling for you
i would be longing for you
and the safety of a home in your arms.

the best band ever

today's poem challenge from poetic asides..

the prompt-
Today, I want you to write an outsider poem. You can be the outsider; someone else can be the outsider; or it can even be an animal or inanimate object that's the outsider. As usual, get creative with the prompt and don't be afraid to stretch the limits.

out in the cold

peeking through
the kitchen window
i got a glimpse of you
i watched how the sunlight streamed
bright through the curtains,
across tile floors,
over the counters,
i longed to be flowers
adorning the windowsill
i longed for your movements
your voice, your love
i listened to the morning speak
and i felt unlike
a human being
i was a tree unable to move

7 things to be grateful for

1. doing well on my last copyediting quiz
2. getting a free hot chocolate from starbucks yesterday from one of the managers i work with
3. my hair being easier to dry since i got it straightened.
4. that i wrote the first good poem that i've written in a while.
5. that there are no parties to go to this weekend, and i can relax
6. that i already finished the 2 part assignment that was due tuesday night for my class, and have emailed it to the professor, so now i just have to read 2 chapters.
7. that i finally have new, flattering black pants that i bought at express using a $15 off coupon :)

april poem a day challenge

this prompt (below) comes from the poetic asides blog: http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides
they have a challenge to poets to write a poem a day in honor of April being National Poetry Month.

the prompt-For today's prompt, I want you to write an origin poem. It can be the origin of a word, person, plant, idea, etc. Have fun with it.

my response-

origin of night

the plants die down
to the winds
succumbing, a twilight
star emerges first and then
another.
a wandering cloud darkens.

the skies fall into a shaded
hood, the birds disappear-
absent and silent

the eerie rustling
of trees yearning for sun
the gentle trembling
of light coming undone
the quiet hum
of us asleep and in dreaming

night consuming us
sneaking in without a warning

sneaks away just as elusive
daring the dawn

don't talk to strangers

i attended my cousin's sweet 16 party this past friday. she looked so pretty, like a little princess in her mint green gown. and wearing makeup for the first time (i think) in her life. she said her mom did her makeup for her. it was fun, but family parties lately just make me realize how much older i'm getting. and that now i'm part of the adult crowd instead of the kid/teen crowd. all my young cousins are about 19 and over now, and some even have children of their own. when i see my young cousins walking around with their girlfriends and i can't help but remember them as toddlers, i sure do feel the effects of a lot of time passing! it's a pretty scary thing.

i woke up very early this morning and got to work about 8:10am. just taking one day off i realize that i really miss work, and need something to do to keep my mind occupied. i was actually looking forward to coming in today and catching up with everything i missed by taking last friday off for the party. i could usually deal with work most days, i'm good at it and my boss likes me. i just wish i could do it without the office politics, gossip, and other bs that occurs so often. it can sometimes feel like i'm working with a bunch of teenagers, instead of adult women in their 20s and 30s.

sometimes i wonder if i'm even capable of real friendship. too many things about people get on my nerves and i just feel better and more comfortable by myself. maybe that is unhealthy and i need to learn to be more accepting. it just boggles the mind why i would want to be friends with people, or should try to be friends with people who i have nothing in common with. it's funny that recently my mom told me to see if i could meet more people by going online, when just a few years ago, she practically forbid me from doing just that. i guess she wants me to lessen my fear and mistrust of strangers. good luck with that! its already so deeply ingrained in me since as far back as i can remember.

the examined and unexamined life

lately i have found that switching from weekend relaxation-mode to weekday and working frantically mode has become so difficult. by the time i get to the middle of the week, i'm somewhat ok. i know there are certain things to look forward to on wednesdays, like the new poem promt on the poetic asides blog, and the inspiring weekly horoscopes on madalyn aslyn's website which i get to from horoscopes4u.com. so i wake up on wednesdays looking forward to those things. every day the adjustment can be hard though. i don't really feel awake most days until about 11am.

and i try to just focus on the near future. i try because most of life, it seems, is about contemplating the nature of life. and we walk around in a daze wondering why we are here, where we came from, and where we are going. at least most people do every now and then. some people do everything in their power to avoid thinking, to find any distraction. i don't think that's healthy. i agree that the unexamined life is not a life worth living.

i've been thinking lately about the copyediting class i'm enrolled in, and when mentions are made about the author of a piece that is being edited. they are often mentioned in passing as being 'difficult' to deal with at times and how copyeditors have to query them respecttfully. and i start to wonder to myself- maybe the author is who i really want to be, instead of the copyeditor. maybe i don't want a behind-the-scenes role. i've been playing that role all my life, haven't i? the only problem is that being in the spotlight is still so scary to me.

i can't imagine pouring my heart in soul into creating a book, and then having a copyeditor tear it apart completely. that must be a nightmare. to have to go back and revise your own book based on someone else's suggestions? sounds like no fun. i don't blame authors for being stubborn or rigid in their corrections, unless their books are completely unreadable.

so it's still cold out. not cold actually- freezing. which makes me feel miserable, sluggish and achy. but i'm trying to fight through it. trying to tell myself that spring is coming. i mean, isn't it? it feels as if this winter has been going on for years now.

i have always believed...

-that life should be lived simply, without too much physical, emotional or mental clutter. and if these things should start to get out of hand, that a person should focus within and focus on clearing out all of the unnecessary

-that life can and should be lived as a work of art in progress

-that soft words and silence can speak louder than words spoken loudly or at regular tones

-the nature is a wonder and a blessing to us humans if we can stop to take notice of it

-that poetry exists in everything and everyone

-that television watching can be detrimental to the soul

- that sometimes absolute silence in necessary, maybe with the exception of listening to children play in the distance, or listening to the sound of rain or wind

-that innocence is never lost

-that the world evolves us and makes us face ourselves and question who we are really here to be in this life

-that God sends the right people into my life at the right times to teach me something i need to learn

-that patience can be cultivated, even in very impatient people like myself

-that healthy periods of solitude help me to stay centered

-there is never too much praying that a person can do, for anything

-that gratitude brings more blessings to your life

-that family connections are often taken for granted in a world full of loneliness and confusion

-that sometimes, it is absolutely necessary to take 'mental health days' off from work

-that your passion in life will never leave you alone, no matter how far away from it you get in your everyday life

********************************************************

being the control freak that i am, i'm finding a lot of solace in the quote below, which i came across again in the book i'm reading - 'happy for no reason' by marci shimoff.

"If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will have complete peace."

-The Venerable Ajahn Choh, twentieth-century Buddhist Monk

here's a pic from a test shoot i did with a photographer a while back..

7 things to be grateful for today

1. portable music players
2. an evening of quiet and solitude
3. that i got to buy the book 'happy for no reason' yesterday
4. having a quiet place to sleep on friday night-my parent's house. no noisy neighbors to worry about
5. that spring is finally starting on friday
6. coffee
7.that i live by myself.

still life

in the morning light
how the ocean behaves
is irrelevant
how the sand measures down
is what i dreamt
the shadows are the depths
across my floor
over the lamp
passed my table
the morning light goes

and sees and murmurs to me
i turn from it
go on about the day
the stillness and quiet lost to me
the mist of dreams and memory
the will of those gone passed
i can't see

the mysteries of a dawning,
come free

bad news :(

how disturbing is this article?
Chaos erupts in crowd at NYC 'Top Model' auditions
it's stories like this that completely frighten and bother me. just like those stories a few years ago about fires and stampedes happening in crowded nightclubs. can you imagine the horror of dying- due to being inside of a stampeding crowd or fainting out of exhaustion and dehydration among a bunch of strangers? thankfully, no one died at these auditions, but they could have. i think the only thing worse than being in a state of panic yourself, is being inside of a crowd of people who all go into a state of panic at the same time. and start trying to escape to save themselves. that's a big reason why i found a particular scene in a movie "28 weeks later" so disturbing and scary- it was a scene where a human being infected with a virus is let loose into an enclosed room filled with people who are locked in, and the scene shows their ensuing panic to remain alive and get away. that scene haunts me to this day.

about the top model auditions, how can such a long running show which has held countless auditions be organized so poorly this time around? it doesn't make any sense. some of these girls were not allowed to leave the line to go use a bathroom or to eat without risking their place in line going to someone else. i have to say though, in those cases, they should have taken their health and safety more seriously than chasing after a dream in such an irrational way. how could someone overlook their own body's needs for something so trivial? there is more than one way to go after a dream but given that, i really don't think that the wait for these auditions should have been so long. and i can't believe that there was not better control over the growing crowd of girls hoping to get their chance to audition. it will be interesting to see how the producers respond to these poor girls who fainted due to lack of food or being crushed by a rushing mass trying to escape some threat that didn't even exist. it makes me sad and fearful for them.

personally, you would never find me in a large crowd such as that, i get nervous enough just going to simple things like concerts and parades, and even rush hour crowds can get to me. because i need to maintain my personal space. i just hate to hear news stories like this because it brings out some of my worse fears, things too horrible to even imagine. i pray that these girls are OK now and not willing to put themselves through such an ordeal as that ever again.

Wednesday Poetry Prompts: 040

(taken from the blog http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/)

"For today's prompt, I want you to take the phrase "Why I Don't (blank)" and fill in the blank. Then, make that your title. From there, write a poem. Some possibilities include "Why I don't look both ways," "Why I don't tie my shoestrings," and "Why I don't watch the evening news." So many possibilities, so little time."

here is my poem in response to this prompt:

why i don't wear pink

i think i'm more like wednesday adams
not perky, not upbeat, not enthused,
but not dull or demure either
in the sense that i don't want to fade
into the background- sea of black or blend
in with everyone else, my personality
isn't that of brighter hues, it's subtle.

if i speak i do not shout you need to lean in
closely to hear, i do not need an audience
to adore me, i don't need to proclaim how
girly i can be. i can't defend superficiality

i love to live in the cover of night
i do not reflect the light if i can help it
i reflect inner light and see beyond a rose colored
world

a happy paragraph

today i can say i am grateful for my job. sure it can be stressful at times, but at least i have a place to go to where i can feel productive, i can feel appreciated and help other people. of course on some days, all my coworkers can seem annoying. but the friends i have here even things out with their smiles and hugs, and it's nice that i can have that. i don't completely despise coming in to work like some people. i get paid more than i did in my previous position. working for this company has allowed me the chance to live on my own and pay off student loan debt and go back to school. they have treated me well and transferred me to a new department when i wanted a change. now i can just have patience for the rest of this month (awaiting a raise next month), remember to go slowly with things and not get ahead of myself, and breath and relax more. life is not a race to be won. i have to stop thinking of it that way and putting too much un-needed stress on my body. mondays are hard for everyone, so are most mornings, but i can choose to see things differently. i can mentally strive for the positive side of everything. and be led by God's guidance to where i am supposed to be.

7 things to be grateful for today

1. that it's almost time to go home
2. i was able to put some money into savings
3. i'm not 30 years old yet
4. my boss was out for the whole day today and didn't call me for anything
5. i have enough groceries for the week, thanks to my sweet bf who kindly drove me and carried them in for me
6. it's not cold today
7. i have a free coffee or smoothie waiting for me at a cafe nearby my apt (because i already bought 7 smoothies there and they have one of those cards where they stamp and the 8th drink is free. )

come to think of it, i should go there to have a drink and do my homework, that way i won't be tempted to go to bed and leave the work for the next day.

saving (and surviving) daylight

i cannot adjust to the time change at all today. i've been so sleepy and it doesn't help that it was a rainy monday morning to wake up to. all i wanted to do when i got here was go back home and crawl into bed. i wonder who decided that the work day should be 8 hours long. why can't the work day start at 11am? most days i really don't feel awake until then and it usually does not take 8 hours to get a job done anyway. most of the time is spent just waiting around for work some days or chatting with coworkers, or being annoyed by other people chatting a bit too loudly with coworkers.

daylight savings time means the spring is coming though. thank God. i can actually take walks and feel free instead of feeling like a lazy pig all holed up in my apartment. i was thinking last night about how tired i am of feeling tired. but i can't seem to motivate myself to do any type of exercise in the winter time. in the spring it's just easier. you can go out and walk around and not freeze yourself half to death. and then you feel happier and more optimistic about life. you can wear prettier clothes and go out unencumbered.

in the winter i just don't want to do anything. and this winter started early and is lasting like forever. i was so sleepy last night that i barely dipped into the chapter of the book i need to read for my class tomorrow, much less do the assignment, so hopefully tonight i will get to it. i'll fight with myself to stay awake probably, but i know i have to do it. meditation usually helps, but the neighbors above me were way too noisy last night and i was way too sleepy anyway.

i miss those days of my early twenties when i had so much energy. i could go out to a bar on a weeknight, get home at like 1 or 2am and get up for work the next day as if nothing happened. it was great. not to mention all the energy i had for the things i like doing, like reading, organizing my things and paring them down, watching movies, going online, etc. somewhere between moving out and now, i've let my life and myself be consumed by daily chores, and ignored myself as a human being who needs mental stimulation, creative expression, and moments of carefree fun. it is so hard to go to work on Mondays. Tuesdays are a bit easier. and by the time it's Friday, i'm happy and productive and back to normal. but maybe that's the because i know the weekend is coming.

i look at my nephew and remember when i didn't know what work was, and all my days were simple and my parents took care of me. and all there was to life was fun. i didn't like getting up in the morning for school, but at least there was the knowledge that i was free to do anything i wanted when i got home. and not have to worry about making my own dinner or washing my clothes or dishes. i would go home and write poetry, write in my journal, read articles online about writing, eat my dinner and go to sleep. it was pretty fantastic.

boy, did i move out for the wrong reason. if i only knew then what i know now...

wednesday poetry prompt # 39

from the poetic asides blog-

http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/

the prompt is-write a poem that deals with the idea of correspondence. here is mine:

dear mom

heart of my hearts
the rest- reality, lies.
the warmth of your eyes
the length of all time
an endless embrace

spirit, a thing that has always
been. a new sound of hoping
love outlasts the wait

how will i know who i am
without seeing myself in you?
how does this life go on without
protection?
i live because of you
i move because of you and learn
all things anew

you grew me into a flower
of eternities

7 things i'm grateful for today

1. finding a pretty green scarf that i forgot i had in my closet
2. getting free coffee and cookies when i bought lunch for my boss yesterday
3. that i don't have any class to attend this saturday (session is over)
4. that i had a nice conversation with a coworker which killed some time this morning. we talked about his trip to barcelona and my trip to paris.
5. that the new season of america's next top model starts tonight-finally, something to watch on tv!
6. i'll be getting my tax return in a few days or weeks
7. i woke up in a good mood today

life, or something like it

what a life of mood swings, feeling great then feeling bad, feeling sleepy, then full of energy, feeling hopeful and then hopeless. it's all a big mishmash. one day you are stressed out and the next day you are bored out of your mind. i have so many blessings in my life, but it's amazing how on some days i don't take account of any of them. i take them all for granted. when that really should not be done. it's being in one state of mind, seeing all the good or seeing all the bad only, and forgetting about the possibilities. forgetting about the promise of new days, new choices, new options, new ideas, fresh turns that life takes, when you veer off the routine paths.

when you do the same things day after day, it seems that there are no more discoveries to be had. i think happiness comes from knowing your limits, seeing the truth about yourself, being honest with yourself about what you really want and figuring out how to give it to yourself, without worrying about judgements or consequences. just trusting in the universe that things will fall into place, when you follow your bliss i guess. life is too short to do anything else, and i am realizing that more and more.

i worry about the future, when the present moment is all there really is. so i tell myself to do one thing at a time and take things one day at a time, and usually that works. but i can't help worrying. and wondering if the best days of my life have passed me by or if there is more for me in the future to look forward to.

i went to see my sister's new house that she just closed on this past sunday. i had that weird feeling of time passing quickly again, as i imagined her there with her family which is just beginning, and seeing us there later in life, all meeting together and having family gatherings. it was a strange feeling to see her there and know that we were in a house that she owns. i felt small and inept. like my life may never come together that way. i tried to lift up my nephew who is almost 3 and weighs about 40 lbs already, and i couldn't do that. it made me a bit sad. my sister has this whole life in order, she has friends, a home and a family, and most of the time i feel i am drifting in the wind.

sure things aren't perfect, they aren't for anybody. but i think as we get closer to our own idea of perfection and happiness and success, we start to feel more accomplished. more settled in the world. uh oh, i'm writing in sentence fragments, not good for a possible future copy editor or proofreader. well whatever, i'm not being graded on this. i struggle to come up with blog topics, as i'm not writing about any particular niche, and i find that my life can be pretty boring. but i mean what is there to do in the wintertime? except eat and sleep and watch movies? at least i am taking a class and being somewhat productive, as much as it hurts to commute there and back in the freezing cold weather.

back to school

its amazing how fidgety you get as an adult when you find yourself back in a classroom situation. i found myself wanting to get up to go to the bathroom every five minutes, and shifting in the uncomfortable, tiny child desks we were given to sit in. it's really hard to sit still for an all day class. i remember getting that same feeling when i first tried meditating. it took so much will power to make my body resist the urge to move itself.

life seems to be like one long to do list. thank goodness i have a day off coming up soon. this week was way too busy for me. i just do stuff and cross it off, and life seems to pass by in one big blur. i thought buying a day planner was a good idea, but maybe it wasn't. i just seem to jot down more and more things that i need to do.

i need to get back to the basic stuff, slow down and try to notice things in life again. i used to love to observe the world, not run through my day with barely any breath left by the end of it. it's not healthy, it's not human. i need to read poetry, eat slowly, spend time in nature (when it's not freezing) and listen to music more often. i've been so rushed this week that i haven't even felt compelled to do that, and music usually helps to soothe my soul and relax me.

i was trying to remember the feeling of meditating as i was trying to fall asleep last night, but it didn't quite relax me like i hoped. i knew i had a long day ahead today and the thought made it impossible to relax. i went to my first copy editing class last night. copy editing seems really really involved, but it was valuable to learn about the different structures of publishing houses (there are 2 main structures) and the jobs of the people at different levels and departments within the structures. that's the kind of basic understanding of this field that i really need to get better acquainted with to see where and if i fit somewhere within it.

if i could go back in time..

today i was thinking back over my life at the things i would do differently, but i trust that every decision i make in my life is the right one, no matter how it turns out, because i'm meant to learn along the way when things don't work out as i hoped. if i had it to do over again, for example, i probably wouldn't have majored in english in college. but then again, maybe i would, just for the simple fact that all i knew that i was truly interested in was writing and literature. i thought that was a natural step.

i remember talking to other people in college who would say to me, well i really love writing and reading, but i thought i should major in business instead. it's more practical. and i had one close friend who started out as an english major, then changed her major with the hopes of becoming a chiropractor. so instead she had all these physics classes to take. if i had it to do over again, i'd probably be just as lost as i am now, and end up majoring in english again.

i used to think i would change my major to accounting or something straightforward like that, not as broad and unfocused as an english major. but i think it has served me fine so far in life. i can always continue schooling to find the specialization that i want to pursue. so i don't end up working as an administrative assistant for all of my life. it's important in any position to be able to articulate well, and to write well, so that has been to my advantage. i don't think people are in their right mind at 18, and not always certain about what the work world entails and what would be a good choice for a career. i know i wasn't.

i remember having vague notions of becoming an editor. and not really knowing about entry level positions at publishing companies. i was too intimidated to start out as an editorial assistant. although that would have been the ideal start to my career path. after a few years of working though, the confidence has developed. and i realize how important it is to love what you do and have a real interest in it. because it is your living. you do it for at least 40 hours a week and it consumes most of your lifetime. it has to be something you will never get tired of doing, and something you would do even if you weren't getting paid.

i find writing fun, i do it in whenever i get a chance and have the energy. and analyzing literature was great fun in college. but those are not practical skills, thus began the impetus to begin taking classes that will train me on the practical aspects of this field of publishing. copy editing, proofreading, indexing, editing, word usage, etc. i am hoping that i find i have a natural aptitude for it. i'm hoping to be paid to use my mind and write something or read and analyze/summarize for a living. i think that would be much more rewarding and stimulating, providing of course that i work for the right company with the right people. but all i can do is pray and meditate and hope that all my steps are guided in the right direction, to where i am supposed to be.

this entry was probably completely boring to most of you out there, but my boss is out today and i had nothing better to do. but why make excuses, this is my blog isn't it? haha

friends who pray for you are the best!

i received this email from a friend who cheered me up and gave me a hug when i really needed one this morning. i'm learning from her more and more that having true friends is really a blessing and a major support.

From: Meekins, Joanne
Sent: Wednesday, February 18, 2009 11:38 AM
To: D, Karen
Subject: RE:

You are welcome Karen. Keep me posted. And feel free to call when needed.
God created us to be in relationship with Him and each other, so it is our responsibility and privilege to help each other on this journey called life. :)

Father God, in heaven and in our hearts, I pray for Karen this day that you would encourage and rejuvenate her spirit. Stir up her joy in You because the joy of the Lord is our strength. Teach her how to surrender ALL and rest in your presence and power. Help her to stay out of her head and not give into negative emotions, but to instead counter them with the truth of your Word regarding your plan and purpose for her life. Bless her to speak those things that be not as if they were; to call into existence those things she wishes to experience through the power and authority you have given us as children of the Most High God. Hide her beneath the shadow of your wings and restore her confidence and zeal for you that it may be magnified in her. Teach her to trust you and wait on you through this process of healing and wholeness. Protect her mind, body, and spirit from the attacks of the enemy and increase her intimacy with you; in Jesus name, amen.

Jo Anne Meekins
Procedure Writer
Enrollment Department

"Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else."
-- Gloria Steinem, American Journalist
----------------------------------------------

Joanne's inspiring blog can be found here

frozen beauty

right now i'm half watching coverage of New York fashion week on TV and half reading reviews of the movie Coraline online, which i got to see today. but more on that later. there's a fashion show on right now where the styling of the models was based on the concept of 'frozen beauty' as explained by a make-up artist and hairdresser, in which the models are made up to look like ice maiden androids. strange how all these different designers interpret their own ideas of beauty, hoping to get people to buy into it and want to achieve similar looks and moods through their clothes. or for some maybe it's all just theatrics, but regardless. i thought that could be a great title for something, so for now it will be the title of this blog post.




so coraline, what a strange, confusing, eerie movie. i was expecting it to be what it was, in that it was a great, entertaining stop motion 3D animated movie to watch with stunning visuals, and fun and different in that sense. the story had a clear moral, but somehow i expected there to be a bit more meat to the story. i have to say though that i agree with a lot of reviewers online who describe this movie as being too creepy and scary for children, as i myself was frightened by some scenes. there was a scene involving dog bats hanging from a ceiling with glowing red eyes, glowing ghostly child figures with button eyes hiding beneath a bed sheet and then floating around a room, a father puppet pulling his face downward until it becomes unnaturally elongated, and a moment where coraline falls into a giant web that comes as a complete surprise and is shot in a swift motion that totally caught me off guard and made me gasp, not to mention her demonic 'other mother' falling down after her, with her button eyes having been ripped out by a cat. yeah, it was creepy.

the music in the beginning and the opening sequence also gave me the chills, in which a doll is hollowed out and resown to look like coraline. this easily could have become a horror movie with some small adjustments. i felt bad for the children in the theater who quietly whispered to their mothers 'I don't want to watch this' and i hope that my coworker didn't end up taking her 4 year old daughter to this. she told me she might after i told her i had planned to see it this weekend. i also read that on the official site of coraline, the movie (which thankfully my computer is too slow to load fully), there is a feature where you can upload your photo and have buttons sown into your eyes! what the hell?

in the past few days i have been told that i look like coraline, and christina ricci. to whom i bear no resemblance at all. weird. i guess people see what they want to see. i also got my hair straightened with the brazilian kerotine hair treatment thing, which i'm so happy and relieved about. though i am somewhat unrecognizable to myself now. i guess it will take some getting used to, but in a good way!
well, back to fashion week coverage..

head and heart in opposition

i don't have much work right now so i thought since i'm here and awake (barely), i'd start writing and see what comes out. life is weird. one day you wake up and you know you have changed somehow. you're growing older, your priorities are subtly shifting, and then you are left to the task of making your life fit into your new mindset. because if it keeps going on the way that it has been, you won't be happy or fulfilled. but it's so hard to break out of old habits. it's so hard to try to socialize and give up my alone time when i know that that is what i should be doing.

i try to tell myself to slow down, enjoy the journey, take pleasure in the little things, not to put so much pressure on myself to improve, to become better, and just be and accept who i am. but it can be hard.
when all of your life decisions are left completely up to you, the options can be daunting. there are so many different directions and possibilities to consider, that it can become immobilizing. and i get so wrapped up in the minutia of the everyday, that i can't stop long enough to really think about things, to think about where i want to be in life, and try to move towards the things that will make me happy. where is the line drawn between coasting along and enjoying the journey and simply being in the 'now'?

i get so concerned with other people and what they will think, that i forget to think about myself, and what i really want. and that is really not healthy. it starts to wear away at me. i'm so lucky in so many ways, and i want to be able to enjoy that. not worry that i should be on some sort of timeline to accomplish things in life, not feel like a let down to people if i'm not a major success or fitting the mold of some conventional life. it takes bravery and courage to step into one's own and not worry about what people with think, and yet some people do it effortlessly. it just comes naturally. i wish i could be one of those people.

sometimes something in my brain switches and i think, this job isn't so bad. this commute isn't so bad. people are not so horrible. but it all depends on my point of view and mood on a particular day. some days my heart says, quit your job, stay home and never show up again, burn all your bridges. who cares? you will figure it out, you will find something else. but then i think i am not possibly being rational, and i go on with my life, wondering if i'm settling for mediocrity. for living in a way that is so much less than who i am and what i could be doing with my life.

my sister went to a psychic recently, he told her answers to questions she was only thinking and hadn't yet verbalized. he told her she would have a daughter and that her family was strong and her baby boy would grow up to be very tall and have an interest in baseball. he told her lots of specific things. i was scared by that thought when she told me all that he said about her future, but now i'm thinking that i may want to go see him too. maybe he can shed some light on all the mysteries clouding my mind. and i'll know whether i should keep listening to my head, or start listening to my heart.

are we happiest in our dreams?

are we happiest in our dreams?
is it only there that we are truly alive
and this real life is nothing but a fantasy?
a blip on the radar
of a flexible universe?
how do we live when asleep
how do we die when awake
how do we take what is rightfully ours
without disturbing some grand design
maybe perfection is mine
in this bleak and tender wilderness
in this massive construct
when life starts out fun but turns into work
and struggle and loss

but then there could be more
if dawn could somehow dare us
to awaken before our dreams have faded
to blend them into the everyness of days
and they'd stay instead of go away

if hearts could go unburdened there'd be
music and joy spilling over into streets
there'd be tears and abundance and release-

fantasies alive for the taking
and only those with closed eyes could see

we are happiest in our dreams

-------------------------------------------------------

McAllister: "Show me the heart unfettered by foolish dreams and I'll show you a happy man."
John Keating: "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be."
McAllister: Tennyson?
John Keating: No, Keating.

-Dead Poet's Society

dead of dreary winter days

it's days like these that i'm grateful for a warm apartment to sleep in. i see homeless people everyday just sitting on the streets with signs asking for money to buy groceries for their families or other help that i can't read because i'm swept along with the rush hour crowds. as i was walking home yesterday, freezing, i thought about this, and thought how grateful i am to be a few steps away from a warm apartment and a warm bath and bed. even though i have to put up with my boss's crap, at least it affords me my own place. and i'm so fortunate that my parents put me through college so i could easily get a job like mine.

my boss was pretty lenient with me on tuesday. i think because i came in looking dead tired after monday, even though i fell asleep at around 8:30pm that night. plus i noticed that her former assistant stepped out of my boss's office just as i was coming in on tuesday. maybe she told her about the crazy emails i've been sending. emails like 'how did you not go crazy doing this job?!' which she never answered. and emails saying how i don't know how she was able to train me on everything i do in just 2 weeks, and that sometimes i don't even feel like coming in.

but then i think, in the economy we're in, how difficult would it be for me to find another job if i were to quit? so i decide instead to look for the positives and stay put. it's not so bad on the days when my boss isn't here. it bugs me when people who have tons of vacation time don't take any of it and then they are all stressed out and frazzled all the time. the mind and body need periods of rest. some people just love their workaholism i guess.

it's brutally cold outside today. wind chills make it feel like 0 degrees. i can't stand the cold. so for now i will just gaze at the painting on my wall that my boyfriend made me for Christmas, called 'Wishing for Summer's Return', and dream my wintertime blues away...

the greatest artist of our time :)

i wanted to dedicate this post to my artist love, the one who pushes me when i need it, who loves me so much, who picks me up when i feel down, and who comes to my rescue time and time again, and shares with me his strength and will to go forward in this weirdness we call life. if you appreciate art, an intriguing personality, humor and quirkiness, intelligence and creativity, you are sure to enjoy his blog and art sites-

http://antonio-estevez.blogspot.com/

http://www.antoniestevez.net/

here is a sample of his work called "Nothing Seems to Satisfy"-

And here is his lovely face (and more of his work in the background)

on a positive note

ok so i thought i'd counteract the negativity of the last post with a more positive one.

7 things I'm currently grateful for (this excercise is taken from a book called "Journalution." i can't recall the author's name right now

1. that i have a job
2. that i have my own apartment (no roommates)
3. that i can stay with my parents whenever i want, they live only 15 minutes away now
4. that i have all new clothes to wear to work
5. the fact that it's not too cold today (finally!)
6. i have a boyfriend who loves me
7. i am still young enough to change my cicumstances
8. (bonus) my dvd player is working when i thought it was broken

ok, now i feel better..

my favorite quote of the day is the following, which i received from a friend from work in an email-

“I am a pencil in the hand of God who is writing a love letter to the world.”
~Mother Theresa