no one really cares where you go

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
~Confucius

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
~Albert Einstein

7 things i'm grateful for
1. having enough money for survival and for a few extra pleasures
2. having a close family
3. poetry (to read and to listen to)
4. that spring is coming soon (i hope!)
5. a meditation group that meets on monday nights in hoboken that i can go to when the weather improves. I have to start dedicating myself to meditation again.
6. days when my boss is not in the office
7. living in a more spacious, quieter apartment
8 (bonus) hot water and more than enough food

This past weekend I was helping my boyfriend move to a new place on Sunday and thinking about change and how constant it is, how important adapting is. but there is also a freedom in that. I’ve learned that only recently. it’s ok to risk things, risk living in a new place, risk taking a new job, etc. there is no reason to think things are set in stone. you can make another choice and improve the situation you are in. we are lucky enough to have choices, and that should be recognized. I can move if I want go, travel, go to someplace new, volunteer, try new things to eat, meet new people, wander and explore. It’s really an extraordinary thing and an idea that I think I’m still getting used to, even though I’ve been on my own for so long and not living with my parents.

It’s a strange feeling, almost scary, like people who think driving is scary because of the absolute freedom and control that it gives you. I still have to remind myself sometimes, I have to give myself permission to be myself, to do the things I want to do without worrying about someone standing over my shoulder telling me not to do this or that. it’s a weird feeling, to be out in the world without direction (except from your own mind/heart/intuition), with the responsibility to bring structure and meaning to your life being completely your own. I think we assume other people are way more concerned with our actions and life then they actually are.

people get over the shock of things, they adjust, they have no choice. if I were to change the course of my life, no one else would ultimately be helped or hurt but me. it’s not like anyone else knows my heart and what I truly want out of my days. They would just have to accept whatever I choose to do. It’s not like anyone is out there holding me back, except maybe myself and my own fears of failure. It is a daily struggle but I strive to remain positive. I strive to keep developing until I ultimately come to know who I am, and feel comfortable being who I am.

title of this post came from the blondie song 'detroit 442'-



and another cool tune, for the bohemian in us all:

today can last another million years

was listening to parallel lines by blondie on my ipod yesterday and remembered one of my favorite songs of theirs- 11:59. i remember how the lyric 'today can last another million years' grabbed a hold of my imagination while i was in college, and made me think of possibilities for my life-

enjoy



it was so cold today. the past few day i had been in a funk but i decided not to let my setback get me down. it's too easy to get bogged down in depressing thoughts, but it's well worth the effor to try to be positive and keep going. struggling against my fatigue tonight, i decided to post this blog entry and to read the excellent new book i just ordered for my e reader- Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken: Transform Your Life with the Power of Authenticity by Mike Robbins because i need to learn to listen more to myself, to my own heart and my dreams and desires, and less to my idea of what everyone wants me to be. i need to start living my life for myself, and stop worrying about what other people will think if i change, or how they will react.

i tend to get down when i compare myself to other people around my age and see how successful they are in their careers. i start to feel that i'll never measure up. but it's important to remember that i am where i am in this life journey for a reason, and no one else is here to be me or do what i'm here to do and vice versa. i read this article today which really helped me to realize this too, it's so good!

http://artofminimalism.com/the-really-paradoxical-guide-to-happiness/

there is only one life to live, and there's no reason to stay stuck someplace where you don't want to be. doing work that you don't believe in or absolutely love. so maybe it will take more searching, but i will do what it takes to find my true calling, my path and the road i am supposed to take. and be gentle with myself in the process. i think cultivating patience is the hardest thing. but i have to get there. i have to assign some meaning to my life on this earth.

devil in the details

i rented the movie 'devil' last night and watched it after my grocery items were finally delivered. the driver was an hour late, which really annoyed me since i had been waiting around since 7pm (my delivery was supposed to be between 7-9 and he showed up at 10pm). ugh, anyway, the movie was really good, a lot better than i expected it to be suspense-wise and didn't feel draggy at all. unfortunately, i guessed which of the five people in the elevator was actually the devil way before watching the movie, and watching it didn't do anything to change my mind before the final reveal.

i was just convinced it was this particular character because of the way they creeped me out, and it turned out i was right. the first time ever that i actually figured out the ending of a movie mystery in advance. one of people's worst fears is being trapped in an elevator, and this movie illustrates that in a pretty effective, unnerving way. (i get anxious enough getting trapped between stations on a crowded train during rush hour!). crowds tend to get to me. 

i was particularly chilled by the last few scenes after the revelation when the devil stares a little too long at it's last victim in a few scenes, which i won't ruin for you. it was definitely an entertaining movie, and being rated pg-13 helped convince me that i wasn't too much of a wimp to watch it alone and night. luckily, the gore factor was kept down in favor of the story and the suspense, and i kept watching just to confirm that my suspicions about the devil's identity were correct.

well, in the past couple of weeks i interviewed for a job at a prestigious publishing house where i would've loved to work. not only because the building is in a town that i love and i would've had a cheaper and shorter commute and the work day started at 9:30 for employees instead of 9am, but also because it was in the field that i always wanted to work in, having been an English major and everything. i thought i was finally heading in the direction of my real dreams, but then the HR person called me and said they had decided to go with another candidate. so it appears i am stuck at my current job with my current awful boss pretending she's the greatest for a little while longer. i guess that's life, and there's nothing left to do but keep trying, and perfecting my acting skills so that people at work don't catch on or notice much that i would rather be anywhere else but there.

salsa eyes

one of my favorite poetry books is called 'the daily mirror' written by David Lehman. He chose to write a poem a day for a whole year and publish the best of those poems in this volume. i love that idea and his poetry is so inspiring and is the type of poetry i always strive to write. i love the sound of the words, his way with imagery and capturing a moment and the actual look of the poem on the page. he writes short poems like i do. here is one of my faves that i came across while rereading his work:

May 2

Someday I’d like to go
to Atlantic City with you
not to gamble (just being
there with you is enough
of a gamble) but to ride
the high white breakers
have a Manhattan and listen
to a baritone saxophone
play a tune call "Salsa
Eyes" with you beside me
on a banquette but why
stop there let's go to
Paris in November when
it's raining and we read
the Tribune at La Rotonde
our hotel room has a big
bathtub I knew you'd like
that and we can be a couple
of unknown Americans what
are we waiting for let's go

cool as the deep blue ocean

i had a job interview this week (my attempt to get away from my boss and actually get into a job where i'm interested in the work) and it was in a totally different environment from where i am currently working. i was amazed at how quiet it was, no personal conversations taking place between cubicles, i couldn't even hear anyone talking on a phone. it was serene and professional, and i felt instantly drawn to it.

i hate interviewing because you never know what kind of strange question they're going to throw at you that you are completely unprepared for. no matter how much you prepare in advance, they always have at least one question that throws you off and that you have no idea how to answer. i emailed the 4 people i interviewed with (1 in HR, 2 editors and 1 editorial assistant) to thank them for meeting with me and for the interviews, but i haven't heard back from any of them. i wonder if that's a bad sign.

it's going to snow yet again tonight and be a messy commute tomorrow and i'm doing all i can to improve my mood during this awful winter but it's not very easy. i miss the days of longer sunlight, and the warm summer air. i hate it when the days are short, dull and lifeless, lacking all color. i get so happy at the end of the work day when it's time to go home. just because i know i'm going someplace warm and comfortable, and i don't have to listen to inane conversations going on all the time all around me..

i know way more than i need to know about the son of the woman who sits in the cube behind me, and his fever and temperaments, and his morning bus ride to school, and her diet, and all the other crap she talks about constantly. some people just enjoy the sound of their voice, and start talking and then never stop. and i have no idea why anyone would think it's appropriate to shout something out to someone sitting 4 or 5 cubicles down from them.

my closest work friend is on maternity leave, and it kind of sucks because i miss talking to her, she sat in the cubicle right next to mine and i think she will be coming back in march. conversing (quietly!) and being social during work somehow makes the time pass faster, even though it can also be distracting at times. i guess there are always compromises, but there has to be a better place for me to thrive and work than where i am.

it was fun leaving work on tuesday in the middle of the day for the interview. i was early so i had some time to kill and went to starbucks and sipped a chai latte. i sat by the window and watched the people outside walking by and watched the rain fall. it was a nice, peaceful feeling- to break out of the daily routine.

song of the day

why do you love me?

miss garbage

in the wee hours

tomorrow is a holiday, a day off from work and right now it's 12:34am and totally silent. soon it may always be this way, once i get moving to the other apartment in my building. what is it about winter that makes you always feel like you're in a rut? or at least it does for me. it limits your chances to go outside in nature, it limits fashion choices. every day seems the same and dull. but i'm hoping to change all that, to change the course of my career in a way that will be totally beneficial to me and make me much happier, that is if i don't blow my chance. now is the time to be positive, to be energetic, to put my best self forward, and i only have this one chance to make an impression, so i better make it a good one. i'm so tired of commuting to the city. i'm so tired of the crowds and the rush and the anxiety. i want a slower paced existence. i don't want to feel that every day is a frenzy of activity.

my sister wanted to hang out in Manhattan to see the sights with me (in the winter)! while i was on vacation. i couldn't believe that. she wanted to go to rockefeller center and macys i think to see the window displays for christmas. i can't believe how different we are sometimes. when it's winter and it's cold, i want to do nothing more than stay at home where i'm warm and comfortable. i told her that she must be the most energetic pregnant woman i have never known. she never seems to be too tired to stay home instead of going out. i don't know how she does it. she drives to work everyday in the suburbs, so if i had told her that i'd rather stay as far away from the city as i can while i'm on vacation since i have to go there every day of my life for work, i don't think she really would've understood.

i better take advantage of the quiet and try a meditation, here in my living room close to the radiator. maybe reflecting on my life and where i've been, and where i am, and where i'm going will help somehow. there is so much that i want to do away from work and so little time in which to do it. so little quiet time i mean. i need to write in order to be  happy, i've realized that much at least. and i can read all day with no problem at all, so that's probably close to what i should be doing for a living. not working for someone whose work i could care less about. not working a stressful job with a high salary which is more than what i need to survive and be sheltered and fed. i don't need that much stress in my life. the basic necessities are all i'm concerned with now, and being happy about the job i'm going to every day and not feeling any kind of sense of dread in the mornings to go there. that would be a real change, and a more pleasant way to live my life, definitely.

walking in the rain in spain

today i stayed home and avoided the snow (again) but here are some songs that made me smile yesterday, even as i felt i was shrinking and disappearing away under my heavy winter coat and many layers during my commute home. sure, they're cheesy, but hey, whatever works

hazy shade of winter

spent much of this weekend suffering from a migraine headache, so not fun. but i also went to a party for my aunt's birthday and received a cute late Christmas gift from my cousin's daughter, a beautiful, kind of transparent yellow beaded bracelet that she made herself. and i got a small box of chocolate. tonight after i recovered from my headache, i searched for interesting entries in the poet's market for 2011 and sent out some of my poems. i guess it helps that i've written poems on a wide variety of subjects which makes it easier to target specific markets.

some want anything and everything, while others are focused on darker poetry with horror themes, or religious poetry, nature poetry, etc. i'm tracking all my entries on a spreadsheet provided in the book, that's a great idea because it's hard to keep track of who does and doesn't accept previously published works and simultaneous submissions. and where i sent which poems. i definitely need to start reading more contemporary poetry, to see what is out there, as well as reacquaint myself with the classics

below are some pics of my possible new apartment. i really hope i can move soon! once they take the furniture out of there, it will be a great open and airy space.

needing a change of scenery

recently i've been looking into moving to an apartment on the third floor of my building. i was told that there are only two people living in the apartment above that one and they have no kids, so it should be a quieter and more peaceful environment than the apartment i'm living in now. i went to go view the newly vacated apartment on the third floor and it is so much bigger than mine! also it is being offered at the same rent i'm paying now, so i would be silly not to take it.

the living room and bedroom are about twice the size of the ones i have now, which would be great for me because i have a pretty big dresser, and the dresser and my bed kind of crowd each other in my bedroom now. they are not right up against each other, but it's still hard to walk around the bed as there is little space. in the new bedroom i could easily fit my platform bed, nightstand, dresser and my computer desk, with space to spare (maybe for my bike).

the living room has lighting already installed in the wall so i would not need my lamp or end table that i currently have at my place. i like the lamp, but having less furniture and more open space is so much more appealing to me. lighting is also installed in the bedroom so i could probably also do without my floor lamp. the kitchen is about the same size as mine with enough space to fit my small table and two chairs.the bathroom is bigger than the one i have now too.

 the only bad thing is the small bedroom closet, but since i have been paring down my clothes, it should not be too hard to get creative with storage using my dresser since the drawers are huge. i've eliminated most of what is on the top shelf of my closet so that should help me with storage of shoes/purses etc. the apartment should be ready by the middle of next month. i can't wait for a fresh new start!

a big, sparsely furnished, quiet and peaceful living space, just what i always wanted :)

7 things i'm grateful for

1. being off from work this week! not working is so great, wake up whenever you want, go to sleep whenever you want. relax. watch movies, read, sleep!

2. the wonderful christmas gifts i got from bf: a whole collection of poetry writing books in pdf form that i can load onto my e reader and read all day today, plus the poet's market book for 2011 and an old volume of poetry by emily dickenson.

3. home delivery of groceries! this is the best idea ever as i hate grocery shopping so much.

4. internet shopping. when i run out of perfume or something, all i have to do is head over to sephora.com

5. i spent some time yesterday decluttering old paperwork from my bookshelf. there is more empty space in it now which is great

6. my new bed sheet set and comforter, a christmas gift from my mom. it has kept me cozy and warm on these days off.

7. getting paid on friday after having spent the week at home. that is really nice.

8. (bonus) not having to go out and trudge through the snow for any reason. love that!

getting lighter every day

 an update on my recent minimalism efforts: In total i have gotten rid of about 230 things, and every time it gets easier and feels better. two bags full of clothes donated, two bags of other miscellaneous stuff
donated, a big box of jewelry gone, pile of books and pile of CDs donated to the library, (and more to go) my hallway closet almost completely empty except for some scarves and 2 party dresses, and i'm still discarding.

i really like open spaces and having that just-moved-in feeling. it makes me eager to consider the possibility of moving on again to somewhere better. i like thinking about my things in terms of whether i have outgrown them or tired of them or do not consider them my style anymore. as i change and evolve, the things i own can sometimes lose their resonance.

for some reason, the idea of discarding one thing a day really clicked with me, and made decluttering something easy that i can do in small steps that really add up. i believe i first read about this tip in francine jay's book- the joy of less. i took to committing to discarding one thing a day, and ended up discarding about 10-15 things each day over a period of a few weeks. writing them down in a list was also helpful.

i want to have a minimal wardrobe, but that's been hard for me. so what i have been doing is discarding a lot of lounge clothes and pajamas, which i really had in abundance. i got rid of a lot of things from my regular wardrobe, but i was weak and ended up replacing some of it. i have been good about doing the 'one in, one old thing out' rule though. that has been great for clearing space in my closet and dresser drawers. if you look at it as just getting rid of or donating one thing a day, it doesn't seem so daunting to tackle a whole apartment.

it's funny how being at work and having a physical separation from my things, make me think of more things i can let go of easily. it helpswhen i have them just in mind, and can't see or hold something which i will then talk myself into keeping. there is really very little that we need, and i am even starting to see somethings that used to be vital to me, as possible clutter and thinking what would be the worst thing to happen if i just got rid of them.

amazing how none of the decluttering books have motivated me as much as the minimalism books/blogs and online communities have. especially the pictures of their minimal spaces and closets/wardrobes! the best  decluttering book i've read is 'clear your clutter with feng shui' which kind of cemented this living lightly philosophy in my brain. and the best i've come across in minimalism books has to be francine jay's book 'the joy of less' and blog- missminimalist.com, with nina yau's castlesintheair.org as well.

i think i'll buy leo babauta's book, the simple guide to a minimalist life, since it's only about $10 and let you know what i thought of it. striving towards a minimalist life is really fun and really feels great.
:)

a cool pic

love this-

from the site- http://afabricofsociety.blogspot.com/

the hunt for treasure

i have become completely obsessed with that new show 'storage wars' on a&e. i could watch it all day long. in case you don't know what i'm talking about, it's about people who go to auctions to bid on abandoned storage lockers (lockers kept by people who have failed to pay their rental bills for three months.) the bidders get to look inside an open locker that is up for auction for 5 minutes, but they are not allowed to walk inside or open any boxes.

when they start bidding, they really are just guessing as to the actual contents of the locker that are not visible, if they are way in the back or packed up in boxes or covered by a sheet for example. it amazes me that people pay to store things, sometimes valuable things, and then don't pay their bills which allows other people to bid for their things! there was even a storage locker won that used to belong to a famous rapper, so it begs the question, did he just forget that he had his stuff stored there? because surely he was able to afford the bill to pay for the locker.

anyway, some of the drama on the show is clearly manufactured, which is why i hate and can't watch reality tv anymore, like the husband and wife bidding team where the wife is constantly bitchy and mean to her husband for no real reason other than to create drama for the cameras. there are a few 'regulars' that go around and show up at every auction and get very competitive with each other, so these guys are like the main characters of the show.

when they finally win a locker, the best part of the show is watching them open up the boxes and explore the contents of the unit they just bought, having no idea what they will find. it's like watching people dumpster dive without all the dirtiness and grime. and i just think how i would love that, i'd be thrilled to go through some one's disregarded things which are packed away in bags/boxes and forgotten about. after they see things they think are valuable, the show follows them to appraisals where they find out what they bought is really worth and how much they can resell it for.

i don't know what it is about used/secondhand items that give me such a thrill. maybe i am meant to work at a storage unit place in the office, or at a thrift store or something. or maybe i can own one and go through every one's donations myself! i think that would be a lot of fun. like all those stories i read in davy rothbart's 'found' books which were written by people who worked in used book stores and found all kinds of interesting and weird letters/photos inside of used books, they have even found money at times. those 'found' books are so good.

i remember once being in a really crappy mood and wanting to be by myself one day after work- i was walking home from the train with my boyfriend and suddenly we decided to go into a thrift store near my apartment. once we did, my whole mood changed. i felt happy and energetic and curious and really awake. i don't know what it is about used merchandise for cheap or free that does that to me. i guess it's the thrill of the unknown. of finding that one perfect or valuable thing that you never knew existed, and that you now have a chance to own for yourself.

here is a link with a blurb about the show and a discussion forum-
http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?showtopic=3200724&st=0

7 things i'm grateful for

1. days of from work
2. minimalism and fashion blogs that are updated frequently
3. tasty cereal
4. the good feeling after exercise
5. realizing that something i own is clutter and getting rid of it
6. having a heated place to live and sleep
7. the power of music to shift your mood
8. (bonus) the possibility of moving to a new apartment and being in new surroundings, which is always refreshing.

a very interesting video- everett comes across way more likable in person than he does in his blog - farbeyondthestars.com


Everett Bogue, His Next Book, Minimalism, and Money from Colin Wright on Vimeo.

the song of the day, something a bit retro

a day off to think

so i've been burned out lately. i think it's partly to do with the wintertime always making me sadder, but also the fact that i've been trying to keep up with a workload that has just proven to be impossible. my mother always told me to finish my work quickly, this would impress my bosses i guess, but i've taken that advise a little too much to heart and now it has hurt me. i try to do everything immediately which is just not possible and only makes me crazy in the process. so my job is what it is, and no matter what, it's not going to let up and the people there are not going to change. so i'm going to do what my boss suggested and turn off my email alerts, ignore the phone if i'm in the middle of something, and just try to do one thing at a time. if it gets me fired or demoted oh well. i'm tired of checking my blackberry for emails to get a head start on the day, i'm tired of checking it on the way home as well for no good reason.

i spent most of today sleeping out of sheer exhaustion. and that is just crazy

no matter how much i pray, or send letters to my boss' guardian angel and stick it into a bible (yeah i really did that), no one will stop the way they work and the demands won't stop coming. no amount of self help books, DVDs, meditation or exercise or feel good chemicals are going to help that. so i just have to do what i can, do the least amount as possible and see how long i can get away with working like that. who knows, it may just solve my problems. i was out of the office today because i had a cold and i still haven't checked my emails. that's monumental for me. i'm going to see if i can hold out on checking them until i actually get into the office. and i'm going to try to come in at 9:00am and not a second before. i plan to walk slowly, to buy myself coffee before rushing into the office to sign in, take a deep breath, and THEN start my work. i'm going to do only what i can, and not push myself so hard for no reason

summer prays that she could be rain

this is one of my favorite songs of all time, 'california' by loudermilk, who later became gosling. too bad the band broke up. i love everything about this song, the singer's voice, the music, the chorus, and especially the bridge-which begins with the line 'he is beautiful and a whore' which starts at the 4:40 mark in the video below. i love the sound of his voice throughout that entire part. see the lyrics below the video-



California
The sun wakes me on devil's morning
arms stretched
over the town to make a
red sky
Month of July
and you are
gorgeous, the dust you ingest you die
Broke my link
my ideal
now their eyes
Like their lies
move on quick like a suicide

Summer prays that she could be rain
As the car crash left you for the blame
And nightfall brought your demons and evil again

She is the famine, I'm California
He is Dakota, I'm California
There can't be lying in California
Left like the west, I am California

The sunset was the devil's warning
siren was louder than love and it
sounds so pretty relieved that you
fell like the leaves of a cherry tree
Something born in my brain bleeding silver rain
lives a will that can't ever change

Summer prays that she could be rain
As the car crash left you for the blame
And nightfall was a shock so you closed your eyes,
a fever breaks out through the night
And I'm gone 'cause I felt the curse of the sun

She is the famine, I'm California
He is Dakota, I'm California
There can't be lying in California
You left your sweetheart in California...

He is beautiful and a whore
and he'll die with you on the floor
Sounds like sugar into your ear
and his spiderweb caught your tear
I noticed he's writing his name in your hand

I noticed..

Summer prays that she could be rain
As the car crash left you for the blame
And nightfall brought your demons and evil again
California
She is the famine, I'm California
He is Dakota, I'm California
There can't be lying in California
What was your Christian name California?

my sweetie's 30th birthday party

'it was perfect'

went to see 'black swan' this weekend, which was out in limited release. all but one of the shows was sold out and this movie is only playing in 18 theaters! it's going to make tons of money. anyway, it was excellent. it was chilling, totally engrossing, captivating, weird, scary, powerful, and impressively done.

i was a little afraid of the gore factor, but that wasn't much compared to the psychological horror, which grabs on and doesn't let you go. some reviews criticized it for being over the top, but i thought it was very effective in a nightmarish way. the whole point of the movie was to feel as if you are inside the main character's head and going through her insanity with her, which was achieved perfectly. i didn't find many parallels between this movie and 'the wrestler', done by the same director. i felt that it was a solid story and stood apart on its own.

there are very few movies that enrapture you so completely that you realized you've stopped breathing, or the sense of dread is so thick that you are afraid to keep watching, but can't help but want to know how the story will end. during the final 'swan lake' performance, the climax of the film, i felt my heart beating so hard and the fear was gripping. you truly feel you are in the shoes of natalie portman's 'nina,' all while she does horrible things to herself and loses her grip on reality.

the word for this movie is 'intense.' it will seriously leave you gasping, and i find myself wanting to watch it again to see anything i might have missed. but with movies being $13 and change now in NYC, i think i'll wait for DVD. i really hope natalie portman gets the oscar nomination for this movie (and wins!) because her performance was truly breathtaking. she was never acting but actually became this character, she disappeared into that haunted girl. everything about her is real. it was one of the best movies i've ever seen. don’t miss it when it's out in wide release!

sour girl

let's try a list of things i'm not grateful for, since gratitude hasn't been working much for me lately.

1. headaches after you've been crying
2. bosses who have the inability to listen
3. coworkers who overuse the phrase 'at the end of the day' when they are on the phone all day behind you
4. rain and wind combinations
5. the middle of the workweek
6. 85% of a paycheck going towards the rent for an apartment that is constantly noisy
7. bosses who don't take into consideration the amount of work you are responsible for and already have on your plate
8. being too exhausted when i get home to do anything fun that i want to do.
9. pms cramps, bloating, moodiness, anxiety
10. not having enough friends to call upon for support in my life

an apt video for my mood today - don't worry it will inspire, not depress you. it explains all the reasons why Nina Yau is my new heroine. she does real things with her life. she has a strong sense of herself. she paints, writes in bed, works out doing karate, and doesn't define herself by her day job (which she has quit anyway to pursue her real passions). she doesn't waste her time or live by anyone else's rules or expectations but her own. and she is everything i have ever wanted to be.

Freedom Video from Nina Yau on Vimeo.

if you can't view it all completely because blogger sucks, go here- castlesintheair.org

some ranting

today was crazy at work and i am dead tired. but i wanted to write here anyway since i ate way too much pasta for dinner and had some cookies afterwards. and now i'm extremely full, so i can't lie down just yet. this weekend i got to cross a lot of the holiday-related to do items off my list, like signing my christmas cards and wrapping the gifts i've bought so far. i'm waiting still for my nephew's gifts to come in the mail, then i have about one more to buy and i'm done. i always strive to finish my christmas shopping by december 1st. maybe i miss out on some sales that way but oh well, at least i can spend december peacefully.

this is one of the reasons i hate winter. everything feels like a chore and there is less of an opportunity to go out walking and wandering around, or other fun stuff like go to a park or to the city without freezing to death. it's hard to have energy in the winter. my neighbors don't help. right now it sounds as if they are literally bowling above my head, and last night there was the distinct, horrible odor of drugs (which gives me such a bad headache) filling up my apartment late at night.

i had to close my bedroom door so i could sleep without the smell getting in. and in doing that, i blocked the heat from my living room radiator from getting into my bedroom, and woke up completely frozen. and trying to get up early after so many days of sleeping in late was no easy feat either. today was so busy and stressful at work that i felt like i didn't have a long weekend at all. i kept waiting for a chance to breathe, for the work to let up but it was non stop all day long. i could feel my whole body aching by the end of the day. and the best part is, what i was working on is not even resolved and has to be continued tomorrow with me on the phone with managers trying to figure out a discrepancy on a report which i share with someone else. it may actually be her error that i'm breaking my back trying to correct. awesome!

i want to do something fun. i want to get back into exercising. i want to feel good. i want peace and quiet. i want to be able to stay awake long enough to read. i want to have a fresh and clear mind so that i can get ideas for writing. i want another long weekend, and soon. i want to remember who i am, and be the person again that i liked when i looked in the mirror.

a very intelligent young woman

Nina Yau, Author of The Radical Minimalist from Colin Wright on Vimeo.

we're sweatin' in the winter

7 things i'm grateful for today

1. it's not cold! today it was 60 degrees in NYC!
2. got a little grocery shopping done today
3. had a very delicious dinner tonight that i cooked myself :)
4. the long weekend is coming up and i get to sleep in!
5. my boss is still being nice to me (the other shoe hasn't dropped yet, what a relief).
6. having my adorable bf to hang out with, drink wine and watch movies like 'a streetcar named desire' with on saturday nights.
7. my sony e-reader and e books. i feel like this is always on my list, but it's really great! definitely portable enough to commute with which i love.
8. bonus- got most of my christmas shopping done already. yes!

the inner heretic

i read the following quote today on this blog-http://www.minimalistadventures.com/

This week, I want you to embrace your inner heretic. Do something that riles others up because you are performing outside the norm. See what happens, because these days, the world loves heretics. Get outside of your typical self, and be the better self you dream of being.


it really got me thinking. i thought about all these bloggers i read about every day who are out there really living their lives and trying to help others lead richer lives as well. they make readers aware that a non-typical lifestyle is normal and that wherever you are in life, it's never too late to scrap things and start over. i really admire them. they are using their time by exercising, eating healthy diets, writing e-books, travelling, and opening many people's eyes to a whole new way of life. instead of wasting their lives away watching television or browsing online, they are really using their talents and being ambitious, living each day to it's fullest. i started to wonder about myself. i know i have things and beliefs limiting me, and that my major flaw is giving up too easily when things get difficult, but i also started to wonder, is the big aim of my life to be as comfortable as i can? is it time to really challenge myself and change my life somehow?

nina yau, the author of the blog 'castles in the air' just quit her day job to pursue writing and art. i started to think about this and i thought, what would i do without my health insurance? which allows me to get affordable birth control and yearly check ups? nina is currently single so maybe she doesn't face this problem. but not having birth control would really be a big deal for me. in this country, i think a big draw to staying employed in a 9-5 corporate job is health benefits. but there really should be more motivation than that. i don't know if i'd be better off worrying about the future and thinking about the big picture, or taking things day by day and trying not to stress myself out too much. my biggest fear is getting to the end of my life, or becoming old and realizing that i am living with tons of regrets for things i never did, because i would over complicate stuff. because i would never live in and enjoy the present moment.

i really want to travel, to see a lot of the world while i am here, and i have to try to structure my life to accommodate that. it stirs up the big questions like, what would i do if i only had 6 months to live? what would i do with my day? i read an interview recently with nina yau in which she says that her goal is "To never regret a single day of my life." and that's really what it comes down to. sometimes i sit and work and wonder, is this what i really want to be remembered for? isn't there more that i could be doing with my gifts and talents to help others? helping others brings way more happiness than working at a job you hate. that's why i know that i would volunteer if i didn't have to work for a living. you need to find fulfillment and satisfaction somewhere. and sometimes, doing so on a small scale just doesn't work anymore.

i know i can get bored and long for new and stimulating experiences, just like anyone else, but how many of us actually pick ourselves up and do something about it? it's a nagging question that haunts me, even as i tell myself i'm simply happy and grateful for the little things, like music, or food, or getting out of work early, or having my own apartment, or reading a good book, or having quiet time in solitude. there still is something more, something bigger, an urge to leave a mark on the world, and the constant urge to make each day count. to make it matter that i was even here at all.

still paring down

i made some head way this weekend in my continuing effort to declutter. i got rid of about 7 shirts that i wear as pajamas or just around the apartment, and i threw out one old nightgown. i also got rid of an old pair of brown ankle boots that i no longer wear and an old pair of earrings. i'm going to try to bring my clothes over to donation bins a little at time, trying to look at it as a good way to burn some calories and get some exercise while it's still warm enough outside to do so. i don't have clothing donation bins near me, the ones i know of are about 10 blocks away from my apartment, a long way to travel while carrying heavy bags of clothes.

i've been re-reading 'the joy of less' by francine jay and also 'clutter busting' by brooks palmer, trying to identify some of the clutter that i still have that i did not notice during my first few purges. i want to go from being a wannabe minimalist to being an actual minimalist. hopefully i can get there.

i have reached my goal of having all my 'at home' clothes for all seasons in two of my dresser drawers, instead of having some spill over to my closet shelf. i want to get rid of more books, but that is really really difficult. i think i need to do what francine jay suggests and take all my books out of their normal location, to see them in a different context and feel the space that would result if i got rid of some. same thing can be done with the clothes i have left. i want versatile, high quality clothing that will last and that i can wear during all seasons.

i got to meditate twice this weekend, and write in my journal, and do laundry but of course i still feel like i didn't get enough done. i could've done some christmas shopping, but i'm planning to tackle that this week. i'm not good and making myself go out when i don't have to be anywhere, so it's easier to do things like christmas shop or exercise if i'm already out of the house (like during my lunch break at work).

my sleep was all over the place this weekend. i would nap during the day and then last night when i really needed to get to bed, i was too rested and couldn't sleep. it might also have had to do with some soda i was drinking a little too close to my bedtime. i can't wait to be on vacation when i can finally stay up late. hours around 1 or 2am are always my most productive. i always get more done if i know i don't have to get up early the next morning. staying up late is also fun because it’s actually quiet, and I can slow down my thoughts enough to write them down without interference, or read a really good book in total silence.

time is the most valuable thing

that quote was taken from this article-
http://www.threenewleaves.com/what-minimalism-means-to-me/
it's a really great read.

i always think about time. about the minutes and moments that make up our lives, and how important it is not to squander them. when i would get impatient with all the living i wanted to do, my mom used to say to me 'hay mas tiempo que vida.' which means, 'there's more time than there is life to live it.' meaning that i have more than enough time to do all that i want to in life, to experience it all, and be happy. it's not always easy. i told myself i should write today. i got out of work early yesterday and made a feeble attempt at writing a poem before i fell asleep. the thing is, being creative calls for a lot of time, unstructured, uninterrupted time, at least for me.

for me to access that creative part of my mind, i need to be relaxed and unrushed and not thinking about the chores i need to do. i guess that's why natalie goldberg, author of 'writing down the bones' advises that writers go write in a cafe, away from the dirty dishes. talk about good advice! i've always liked writing in libraries too, i just love and adore quiet and peace in my surroundings, whether i am being creative or not.

the other day my coworker and i were talking about what we would do if we won the lottery. she said she wouldn't be able to sit at home and do nothing. i said i'd probably do that for a few months or a year, to recover from all the fatigue and suffocation of being a corporate slave since i was 23 years old, and then i would work. but i would do work i love, which is writing. she said i could start my own magazine, but i said i thought more along the lines of self publishing a book, maybe a chapbook (or two) of poetry, and really taking the time to make sure my poems are perfect and sound just the way i'd want them too. or maybe i'd write an ebook. i'd still be engaging my mind and therefore, i wouldn't be bored.

i'd definitely take the time to exercise, since i'd have a lot more energy from not working. and i'd live someplace quiet so i could meditate daily. what a peaceful and happy existence that would be. sometimes i think i should still try to get into freelance proofreading. i tell myself to go over my notes from my classes and contact my professors (i still have their email addresses) with any questions i might have about what to charge per page and how the taxes work out, which is what i find most confusing. but there's no reason why i can't still try to establish myself in that area.

i scanned a bunch of old pics a couple of weeks ago and here is one of my favorites, it's me walking in London just outside of Harrod's department store. i'm the one in the big sunglasses. click on it to see it full size

a close call

i just heard the news of the carnival splendor cruise that was stranded at sea after a fire on board! oh my gosh, if this happened before i had gone on my cruise i'd be so scared to go. the passengers were left with no power and no air conditioning or hot food for days. they had to wait in long lines for food after walking up 9 flights of stairs to the cafeteria, sometimes to find that no food was left! others had to rely on eating only bread, pop tarts and spam. and the toilets didn't flush for a while either.

wow i feel so bad. they got refunded their money though and offered a free cruise from carnival. i don't know who would take that offer. thank god my cruise was safe and incident-free. imagine planning so carefully, taking time off work and all this stuff only to have your dream vacation turn into that. those poor passengers, and some had little kids with them. imagine waking up on a cruise due to the smell of smoke in your cabin. crazy!

i walked all the way over to the library tonight to donate some books and CDs only to find that they were closed for veteran's day. i guess i thought since i was working today that everyone else was too. oh well. it's harder getting rid of clutter than i thought, especially when you don't have a car. i have these bags of stuff all around and need to bring it to the thrift store, or library or clothing donation bins little by little. it kind of stalls your progress with minimizing when you still see all your stuff hanging around the place.

tomorrow i may have a chance to leave work early and that's so nice, because this week hasn't been the greatest. i want to start holiday shopping to get it over with quickly, but i'm such a bad gift giver, i can never guess what people want, especially kids, and always have to ask them for help and ideas. i figure that's better than ending up with something they don't really want. i'm going to suggest to my aunts that nobody give me jewelry this christmas. i always end up with all this costume jewelry, usually necklace and earring sets that are very rarely my style. and then i feel guilty for getting rid of it or giving it away a few months later.

i've been considering moving again, upstairs neighbors are getting too loud. there's a blaring tv on right now that's annoying me, so i'm going to soon reach for the ear plugs so i can read in peace. i'm lucky they don't make noise at 1am or anything, but i still miss the peace and quiet i had living at home in my parent's house. you sure don't know what you've got until it's gone.

be true to yourself

when i got home from work today, i had a package for me that i have been eagerly awaiting, shannen doherty's new book- Badass: A Hard-Earned Guide to Living Life with Style and (the Right) Attitude.
i spent the last two hours reading through it because i just couldn't wait. i really admire shannen as i've said before on this blog and couldn't wait to read her advice on life, being authentic, taking charge in relationships- personal and professional, and expressing personal style in fashion, makeup, clothing, decor and entertaining. it was a very entertaining book, with lots of pictures from photo shoots, candids, personal and baby photos, and a smattering of interesting personal stories. a lot of what she wrote resonated with me, but then some things haven't as i am not as far along on my self reflection journey as she is, at 39 years old.

she seems to have found this simple way of living that has her own personal stamp and personality all over it, and that's what i strive for in my life. i want my life to be my own, and not dictated by pleasing others or living some role or some lie. i read through the book way too fast but it did have a lot of solid advice and made a lot of sense. you can see how getting older has made her wiser and more grounded. she is unapologetic about who she is, and i love that.

it wasn't all seriousness though. she lists some 'badass' lipstick and nailpolish shades that i can't wait to check out too! i still regret not going to see her when she was signing copies of her book this past Tuesday in NYC at columbus circle when i could've easily gone after work, but i had already bought a copy of the book online by the time i heard about the signing.

i like this list towards the end of the book (especially #9):

Top 10 Rules to Living the Badass Lifestyle

1. Be True to Yourself.

2. Be Honest with Yourself and Others.

3. Be Brave.

4. Be Adventurous.

5. Be Kind.

6. Be Bold.

7. Be Well-Informed and Well-Educated.

8. Be Self-Motivated.

9. Be Just a Little Bit "Off."

10. Be Confident!

my poetry published

today i saw my poem published in the four cornered universe literary magazine, so cool!
here is the link to it

http://fourcornereduniverse.com/?p=1594
the funny part is that i submitted about 5 poems, some of which i thought were stronger than the one they actually ended up choosing. i guess this means i should get back to writing poetry since it is apparently publishable? and i thought there weren't really magazines or e zines that would publish my style of poetry. writing poems is hard and takes a lot of work, but it is so rewarding when one comes out exactly the way that you wanted it to, and even when you have to edit a draft a lot to get the one perfect final version. thankfully, my poem 'out in the cold' was not edited in any way. it was published just as i wrote it.

writing and reading poetry is so absorbing, and is something that really should be done on a daily basis. i laugh at my bio underneath my poem because it mentions that i'm currently interested in minimalist living. i am, but it's been slow going. i wish i could get rid of everything in one shot, but it's a work in progress.  i still don't understand how minimalists don't get tired of a limited wardrobe.
i have let go of almost 200 things though, so that's a step in the right direction! its weird when you wish you weren't attached to stuff, and you know you probably wouldn't replace some things if they happened to be lost in a fire or something, but somehow you still can't bring yourself to let go. i'm steadily working on that need to hold on with an iron grip, when it comes to control over all aspects of my life, and trying to let go a bit more and have some peace.

song of the day

sleeping through the weekend

this was a lazy weekend of lots of sleeping. i could've been doing so many things, practicing making jewelry, writing, meditating, but instead i chose to do laundry, go to the grocery store, vacuum, watch a DVD, and sleep. i guess it's natural. most people in the middle of the afternoon long for a nap, and if you’re at home then you are free to nap whenever. but i tend to feel guilty when i do that. i wanted to go to the library and to church on saturday, but i didn't. just couldn't make myself get up and go out when i didn't have to be out.


i wanted to write too, but there was this sudden weird feeling of fear that has never come up before. i was faced with more than enough time and a perfect chance to write in my journal. but i was afraid that i had lost my writing voice, and my writing self. i thought the writing i used to do (which i liked and enjoyed reading) would not come out of me. i was somewhat paralyzed with fear and decided against it all together. it was probably a time when i needed to write most, to clear my mind out of overwhelming thinking, but i chose to read instead. i guess i didn't think i could capture my mood sufficiently, and would end up writing around whatever topic i actually meant to write about.
there's an exercise in some book which instructs you to stop half way through a journal entry and write 'what i really want to say is..' and then continue writing. it's supposed to break through the mental block that keeps you writing in circles about nothing. sometimes the hardest part about writing is getting started. sometimes i get scared i'll never stop, or that i'll stop too soon and find that i have nothing to say - which is even scarier. i even reread 'writing down the bones' by Natalie Goldberg recently and not even that got me writing! there is a major block happening there, and i realize that i have to force myself to make writing a priority in my life again. writing is much easier to do with noisy surroundings than meditation is. and writing can be a form of meditation in the way that it clears out your mental clutter. i'm going to make another attempt tonight. no matter what! even if i'm writing at 1 or 2am, i am going to do it.


song of the day

a true scare

well i haven't posted here in a while because the past few days have been pretty horrible. i had someone steal money out of both my checking and savings accounts and have spent tons of time on the phone with my bank's customer service. nothing like logging into your account online and seeing more than $1,000 vanish into thin air! i thought i was going to suffer a heart attack. but thankfully everything was resolved today after i got a new debit card and made a phone call to change my pin and had to go through a number of verification questions. now i can finally breathe more easily.

next week should be nice. i took thursday off for a dental appointment that i don't have to worry about paying for now. also my rent was due which was making me nervous. i guess i learned that i have to be way more aware of my surroundings when at an atm machine drawing money. someone must have copied my information and watched me enter my pin number. people can be so horrible sometimes, and to complete strangers. it doesn't make sense to me. i could never steal money from anyone. i can't remember the last time i felt so angry. i was snapping at everyone and resenting the fact that i was at work when meanwhile the money i worked hard to save was gone in an instant. seeing that online made my chest go cold and numb, and the panic set in.

anger is a very horrible emotion, it just takes over you. and i'll have to be a lot more careful in the future to avoid having to go through something like this again.

a great quote

"To change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one's mind and the psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use."
                                                                    -Anais Nin

i think this quote is absolutely true. everyday for the past few days i have been throwing away unnecessary things. a lot of things from the past, from someone i used to be. i found an old notebook today that has been sitting on my bookshelf for about 10 years. it reflected nothing of who i am today. inside it i found old meaningless poems and short journal entries that were from a whole other life when i was in college. i don't know why i thought there was anything valuable about that notebook or why i felt the need to hold on to it for so long. it's amazing the hold that material possessions can have. but the thing with me is that i'm very sentimental about things. i can't seem to let go of old journals especially. i even have some from when i was a little girl, just because it's fun to look back at my little girl handwriting and innocent thoughts.

some things i'm grateful for today-

1. my ability to keep my composure during a stressful morning at work
2. that i made it through the day without coffee (i'm on my way to kicking that habit!)
3. that every day brings the opportunity to learn something new
4. the warm weather!
5. that i'm getting rid of more stuff everyday and really re-evaluating everything i own
6. that i discovered minimalism, even though i thought previously that i was pretty minimalist, i was so wrong.
7. that i finally got around to scanning most of my photos the other night and can soon be rid of the orginals

more things i threw out

continued from a few posts down:
52. pair of earrings
53. cassette tape
54. old perfume bottle
55. old eyeliners
56. ill fitting underwear
57. blow dry brush
58. floral dress
59. old curtain
60. photo album
61. excess return address labels
62. red wristband
63. green necklace
64, old hairclips
65. sneakers
66. waterpic flosser manual
67. can of spray paint (almost empty)
68. book
69. slippers - extra pair
70. sweater
71. white dress
72. pair of earrings
73. pair of earrings
74. bracelet
75. wallet
76. aromatherapy pillow cover (unused)
77. orange pool caddy tube
78. black clutch purse
79. blank CDs
80. CDs
81. CD jewel cases
82. yellow purse - i already have another one
83. black purse
84. fairy figurine
85. blue purse
86. necklace
87. lip stain
88.. plaid dress
89. sweater

below are a couple of quotes from the castles in the air blog by Nina Yau:

• Be Content With the Way Things Are. Sometimes we just cannot find the positive in a situation, no matter how hard we try. That’s fine. How about being content with the way things are? It just is. We don’t necessarily have to take a stance. We can just let it be. There will be many, many things beyond our control. Frankly, what is in our control? Even our hair is all matted and mangled in the morning when we wake up. Can we not even control the direction our hair lays or falls? So why is it a surprise or a disappointment we cannot control much bigger forces in this world?
• Change is Inevitable. Let Go, and Be Free. How about we stop trying to control our destinies and start living our lives? Sometimes what we set out to do in life doesn’t always pan out the way we planned it to. When you let go of this bounding desire to have things a certain way, and to realize that change will always occur, your reality is much more free. You’ve released your iron grip and are free to just simply go with the flow.

Is minimalism hereditary?

i think i get my minimalist streak from my mom. she is notorious for constantly throwing things out. and she often tells people how she only has the clothes that she wears in her closet, nothing more. she has been known to throw out birthday cards by accident that still had cash inside! whenever we'd be looking for something as kids, the joke would always be - mom probably threw it away.

when i went on my 7 day cruise with my family this past summer, all my cousins and my sister marveled at my tiny luggage that i checked in. everyone weighed their luggage to make sure it wasn't over the weight limit and they wouldn't be charged extra. and my luggage was only 33 lbs or so. people who had luggage over 50 lbs were scrambling to stash things in their carry-ons or other people's luggage and everyone told me that with my luggage i looked as if i was only going on a weekend road trip. i was proud of myself for that.

one simple bag and a carry on. the bag i checked held everything- including heels and bathing suits, flip flops, beach hat, sun block, hair products, etc. all i think i bought 2 pairs of heels (one black strappy pair and one gold) which matched with all my formal dresses for evening. i didn't bring complicated things like blow-dryers or flat irons, just letting my hair curl naturally while i was there. i often wore it in two low buns, one on each side of my head, at night, or pulled back in a ponytail. i borrowed my cousin's wife's blow-dryer on the last night so i could straighten my hair out. i borrowed a brush from my dad, since i only bought a comb. when packing i figured i could borrow whatever i might've forgotten from one of my family members (31 of us went after all) and i was right.

afterwards, my cousins all told me they were amazed, i had many outfit changes and pulled it off well with my tiny luggage. some of them bought entire suitcases just for their shoes! i'm up to 77 things thrown out so far by the way..

embracing silence

this past saturday i attended a meditation basics workshop in a bookstore/astrology/tarot card/crystal/jewelry/candle store that is close to my apartment. how nice to be able to walk someplace where there will be a group meditation, not to have to take any trains into the city. there were only 4 other women there besides me, but i didn't mind that. meditating with a group of people, even a small group, is still beneficial. i find it even easier to focus and benefit from a group meditation session.

it was a meditation practice which uses white candles. we all sat at one table in front of a small white candle (one for each of us) while the woman leading the meditation gave instructions. we had to breathe deeply and focus on the candle flame, and try to release all thoughts of other things. just try to be present. Then after a while we would close our eyes and practice seeing the candle flame using our third eye. she played soft instrumental music and lit incense to set the mood.

we had a ten minute break and then returned to the meditation, while the leader recited her favorite affirmations. i know people think affirmations are dumb and humorous. but this one was actually very effective in getting a shift in consciousness going. we were all just present with her words and completely relaxed. i asked her to email me the affirmation she spoke but she hasn't done so yet. it was something like - i breathe in positivity, breathe out all negativity. i allow my body, my mind and my spirit to heal. so it will be. i wish i had the whole thing written down. but really you can say anything positive to yourself during or after a meditation and it will be heightened because of the detached, receptive state of mind that you're in.

after a while during the workshop, especially after the affirmations, i had a light feeling of floating above my body as I sat with my eyes closed. i didn’t feel attached to or affected by the heaviness of the physical plane. and that was the best feeling. a peacefulness that i really missed and needed to be re-acquainted with. blessedly, my neighbors were actually quiet for a long while last night so after i did my chores for the day, i took some time to meditate (using my old regular practice and music) but it was great. i bought a small white candle after the workshop too, so i could try out the candle meditation at home.

i threw away fiftty more things!

actually, more than 50! i can't believe how long i have been living with these unnecessary items, it is so crazy. i have been so inspired by Nina Yau of castles in the air blog (see link at bottom of this page) and Francine Jay (missminimalist) and they're uncluttered, minimal spaces and the process of this has really been exhilirating! i keep looking for more and more things i don't need and it feels so good to let them go. take a look at the pictures on this post and you will see what i mean. imagine how easy moving is for Nina!

here is a list of what is on it's way out the door, or has already been trashed or donated:

1. lipstick
2. painting
3. small lamp
4. small lamp
5. magnets (bunch)
6. shoe organizer
7. hair gel that i don't use
8. other unused hair product
9. green tote bag
10. old red purse
11. book on hypnosis
12. CDs (bunch)
13. precious moments kitchen thermometer
14. framed fairy print
15 magazine (bust)
16. scarf
17. clothes (bag)
18. purple bag
19. duffel bag- gold
20. coach wristlet
21. lip gloss
22. small perfume sample
23. ripped stockings
24. old flip flops
25. black boots (heels wearing off)
26. bracelet (unwanted gift)
27. tokyo fashion book
28. fashion mags
29. nailpolish
30. hot chocolate mix (expired)
31. dried up pen
32. old fisnhnet tights which were replaced long ago
33. old body splash
34. pair of earrings
35. pair of earrings
36. body scrub
37. rant (book)
38. decorative fairy cup
39. book i got free (forgot title)
40. book- stop throwing money away (e book is available in case i ever want to re-read)
41. journalution book (e book is available)
42. poemcrazy (e book is available)
43. mongo (e book is available)
44. the secret , book (e book is available)
45. writing down the bones book - (e book is available)
46. shoe organizer
47. old coffee mug
48. vacuum manual
49. old mineral moisturizer
50. blank vhs tape
51. old eye shadow compact
 
and counting!

a bit of glitter dust

some questions and answers about me for all you curious people out there:

Most people don't know this about me: I want a minimalist existence
My favorite music: Rock, 90s grunge, garbage and blondie
Random: I dont like tattoos and will probably never get one
I collect: used to collect fairy and butterfly stuff, but I prefer decluttering these days
Favorite song right now: Prince Harry by the Soho Dolls
Favorite quote: “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication" – Leonardo Da Vinci
If you could trade places with anyone it would be: Shirley Manson or Debbie Harry (in their most successful years)
90210 or Gossip girl?: neither. Maybe the first 90210 back in the 90s
The happiest moment in life: meditating on the beach in cabo san lucas with my bf
It's Cheesy, but I like: Shannen Doherty movies
The one food I could eat forever is: fried rice
My secret celebrity crush is: Johnny Depp
I'm addicted to: coffee, fashiontoast.com, missminimalist.com, lendmeyoureyes.org
My favorite actress is: Shannen Doherty, Rose McGowan, Amanda Seyfried
If I were an animal, I'd be: no idea, maybe a bird?
The one thing I spend too much money on: magazines and handbags (I am trying to stop!)
I wish I could Splurge on: the Nightingale bag by Givenchy
I'm disappointed about: Having to give up my Netflix subscription to save up money for dental work

i saw you cage the lightning

my mother is the type of person who will receive an item of jewelry as a gift, not like it, but still wear it on the next occasion when she will see the gift giver- just to make them happy and let them see she is using the jewelry. my sister is the same way. when we went on our family cruise this summer, she used an uncomfortable beach bag as her carry on for the plane, just because one of my aunts gave it to her and she wanted my aunt to see her using it. i just can't get this type of thinking. why put on something that is uncomfortable or cumbersome, just to please somebody else? i doubt other people take you into consideration when they get dressed.

and it's the same thing with gift items for the home. most of the time these are safe to get rid of. my mother and some aunts have given me way more than i need for my apartment and decorative needs. i have used the stuff i liked and that was useful in my space. but i got rid of the stuff that felt cluttery and not at all with the aesthetic i was going for. and most of the time no one notices. my mother especially will forget what she has given me, whether it be clothes or jewelry or knick knacks and stuff, which is good because i'm safe to get rid of it or give it away without ever hurting her feelings.

my apartment is mine, and should only house those things that i love or find useful. there's no need for excess. actually, clutter and excess is really stifling. when it comes to my home, i definitely feel that less is more. less chaos means a quieter, more peaceful space. the world outside is chaotic enough without adding more noise to your own private sanctuary. i feel like mostly bare walls can make a room feel bigger. and lets your eyes rest. there shouldn't be an item of decoration in every single corner, otherwise there are too many things calling on your attention all the time. and that can get draining very fast. I like the idea in ‘the joy of less’ of committing to throwing away one thing every day for a year. If you are only deciding on one thing, it’s not overwhelming and feels more doable. And you can lighten your amount of things very effectively this way over time. So that’s what I’m trying to do. I know I don’t need half the things I own. But just keep them for whatever reason. Time to reclaim my space!

on  a random note, i'm pretty sure this guy on the train was sketching me on my way home from work today. he was maybe a teenager, with big curly hair. he had a big sketchbook open on his lap and he kept glancing up in my direction, and then back down again. this happened over and over. it was a nice feeling though of being special, instead of just another face in the crowd. i glanced at his sketchbook as i got up to get off the train and saw a profile that looked like mine, wearing a hat like i was wearing today, so it must've been me he was drawing. how nice :)

my song of the day, written by debbie harry for joey ramone:

the joy of less

                                      
been reading 'the joy of less' a minimalist living guide by francine jay, which has inspired me to get rid of a lot of stuff that's been hanging around my apartment for really no reason. the book, along with the pictures of the author's minimalist bedroom on her blog and the pics of others' entire closet contents, like the author of the blog 'castles in the air' whose name escapes me right now, have been really inspirational to me. in the book, francine jay describes that feeling you have on the day you move in to a new place. it's just a nice feeling of having a blank slate, a fresh start. and often when you move it has come after or during a big decluttering session. i don't know why throwing stuff out or giving stuff away feels so good. but it does. i don't like to feel that i'm so attached to the things that i own because ultimately, you can't take it with you. i'd like to be one of those people who can move at a moment's notice with no stress. that sounds ideal to me because moving is such a pain.


did a lot of grooming this weekend, in the form of whitening my teeth at the dentist (which was tedious and expensive!) and getting my hair trimmed today. i love the feeling of someone else washing my hair, so relaxing, and i love when i go to a salon and it's quiet and peaceful, not a lot of customers around chatting about nothing and loud blow dryers on everywhere. the stylist i had told me that usually it's much busier, so i guess i lucked out. he asked me if i ever watch the real housewives on new jersey and i said no. apparently they are customers of the salon i went to. having never seen that show i didn't really know what to comment about that.


i've had this kind of dull constant headache all weekend, and it's been annoying because i've been trying to get into the minimalism book. and it doesn't help that my neighbors have been so noisy. i try to count my blessings and remember that it was worse, much worse when i had a roommate and didn't live alone. but it's still annoying to hear loud hip hop music when you want to open your kitchen window and get some fresh air, or to hear a loud conversation/argument in the apartment above me (right above my bedroom) at 7:30am on a sunday morning. but those are the things you put up with when living in an apartment. i really took for granted the quiet that i always had when i lived in my parent's house. that was truly a luxury.

dream big and go for it

Yesterday I got a chance to meet a photographer named Karen Fuchs at the jersey city artists open studio tours.

She lives in a lovely, minimalist, mostly white artist’s loft that is like something out of a dream. I spoke to her briefly about her experience living abroad which was mentioned in her artist biography. I would love to be able to say I lived in 4 different countries across 3 continents, I commented this to my bf and he told Karen what I said. She looked at me and said ‘dream big and go for it. it doesn’t have to be expensive.’ I asked where her favorite place to live was. Out of London, Germany, Bangladesh and New York, she said she would choose London if the weather was more agreeable.

As we were speaking, I had a very strong sense of de ja vu, especially when she was mentioning how many completely different cultures exist throughout Europe in close proximity. And how you can travel for just one hour and enter into a whole new culture and way of life. Her apartment was silent and serene and completely dreamy.. everything white, soft and quiet -the couches, the bed, the walls , the rugs, etc. It was like some heavenly space that I could never imagine myself ever having. And her life was like some dream life I could never imagine living.

Though I know I am limited only by myself and my fear of change. There is really no reason for me not to dream big and go for it, or just drop everything I have done so far in life and start over in some completely new and fresh direction. Lately it’s hard to think about anything else, as I realize that the time to change is now if I am ever going to. Everything I see and experience and the people i meet seem to point this out to me all the time, and I just keep holding out for another day, then week, then month. and it’s all at the expense of what I really and truly want for myself.
this is an excerpt from a new blog i discovered today and am now going through the archives of, called missminimalist.com

'The best way I can describe it is with a line from an old Chinese poem: “To drift like clouds and flow like water.”

‘I want to live my “real life” the same way. Sometimes I think there’s much too emphasis on setting goals and planning futures and reaching milestones. Why not simply enjoy life, instead of creating additional stress? I’m not against having aspirations; but to be honest, I don’t want to schedule my life on my iPod, download productivity apps, or attend virtual workshops on how to be successful at x, y, or z. And I certainly don’t want to create a five-year plan and mark my progress each step along the way.

Instead, I’d like to approach life the same way I approach travel—simply taking each day as it comes. I want to be surprised and delighted by what transpires, rather than ticking off a series of planned events. Mostly, however, I want the freedom to “wander” without the burden of possessions and responsibilities. That’s primarily my motivation for living a minimalist lifestyle; by keeping my “baggage” and “itinerary” as light as possible, I hope “to drift like clouds and flow like water” each day of my life.’

7 little things i'm grateful for today

1. 'mop' leave in conditioner, which makes my hair look and feel amazing!
2. scented body wash. right now i'm using one called 'secret charm.' i forgot what brand it is
3. the end of the contant rainstorms that have been plaguing us all week long, just in time for the weekend.
no more bad hair days!
4. the new jewelry making book my boyfriend suprised me with. i've been meaning to take up some kind of craft for a while. it's called 'bead on a wire' and we are going shopping tonight for my toolkit. yay :)
5. the fact that my boss wasn't a pain to me this week, i think a week of vacation must have mellowed her out a bit
6. that i got a chance to catch up on sleep last night and today
7. having watched the 7 spritiual laws of success by deepak chopra dvd this week, and having more to watch, next one is coming on monday from netflix. it's called 'Deepak Chopra: The Happiness Prescription'
8. (bonus) that i get a chance to wear my new dress tonight from http://www.shopruche.com/: