in the wee hours

tomorrow is a holiday, a day off from work and right now it's 12:34am and totally silent. soon it may always be this way, once i get moving to the other apartment in my building. what is it about winter that makes you always feel like you're in a rut? or at least it does for me. it limits your chances to go outside in nature, it limits fashion choices. every day seems the same and dull. but i'm hoping to change all that, to change the course of my career in a way that will be totally beneficial to me and make me much happier, that is if i don't blow my chance. now is the time to be positive, to be energetic, to put my best self forward, and i only have this one chance to make an impression, so i better make it a good one. i'm so tired of commuting to the city. i'm so tired of the crowds and the rush and the anxiety. i want a slower paced existence. i don't want to feel that every day is a frenzy of activity.

my sister wanted to hang out in Manhattan to see the sights with me (in the winter)! while i was on vacation. i couldn't believe that. she wanted to go to rockefeller center and macys i think to see the window displays for christmas. i can't believe how different we are sometimes. when it's winter and it's cold, i want to do nothing more than stay at home where i'm warm and comfortable. i told her that she must be the most energetic pregnant woman i have never known. she never seems to be too tired to stay home instead of going out. i don't know how she does it. she drives to work everyday in the suburbs, so if i had told her that i'd rather stay as far away from the city as i can while i'm on vacation since i have to go there every day of my life for work, i don't think she really would've understood.

i better take advantage of the quiet and try a meditation, here in my living room close to the radiator. maybe reflecting on my life and where i've been, and where i am, and where i'm going will help somehow. there is so much that i want to do away from work and so little time in which to do it. so little quiet time i mean. i need to write in order to be  happy, i've realized that much at least. and i can read all day with no problem at all, so that's probably close to what i should be doing for a living. not working for someone whose work i could care less about. not working a stressful job with a high salary which is more than what i need to survive and be sheltered and fed. i don't need that much stress in my life. the basic necessities are all i'm concerned with now, and being happy about the job i'm going to every day and not feeling any kind of sense of dread in the mornings to go there. that would be a real change, and a more pleasant way to live my life, definitely.