My Favorite Quotes from the Movies:

"Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?"
-Heathers

"Do you think I'm a gulla-bull? Or even a gulla-calf?"
-Wayne's World 2

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."
-Fight Club

"I will have poetry in my life...and adventure"
-Shakespeare in Love

"I can't relate to 99% of humanity."
"I can't relate to humanity either, but I don't think it's completely hopeless."
-Ghostworld

"This isn't life, Will, it is a stolen season"
-Shakespeare in Love

"That's not happiness to see me is it?"
-A Perfect Murder

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"
-Dead Poet's Society

"Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie."
-Heathers

"Yes, you're dead, this is heaven, and I'm the virgin Mary."
-"Diabolique

"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him."
-Secretary

"We pass the time of day to forget how time passes."
-Amelie

"...but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."
-American Beauty

"Everything is temporary. Everything begins and ends and begins again. When I look ahead, I imagine infinite possible futures repeated like countless photocopies, a thousand blank pages, and in each one I see myself, never hiding, never sitting silently, and never just waiting and waiting and watching the world go by. "
-Clockwatchers

"Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent."
-Reality Bites

"No I'm no one's wife, but I love my life and all that jazz."
-Chicago

movies, snow and minutiae

ok, so 'the haunting' is a really stupid movie. but this line has always stuck in my mind because it's so true (spoken by the charachter Theo, played by Catherine Zeta Jones:

Theo: You know what, the rest of you may hate your insomnia but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine. That's when I get all my best ideas... I'm alone, occasionally... with no distractions. My mind is racing with creative ideas and come 3am I feel like a genius.

it's sort of that way today, i stayed home from work and there's nothing to do but watch the significant amount of snow falling outside my window, stay tucked in bed enjoying a fruit smoothie, and writing. i watched the movie 'diabolique' this morning because that movie has great lines in it too, and sharon stone's character is great- evil and yet glamorous, and this seems like the perfect time to get into a creative mindset, and relax for once with that, and see where it goes. i guess i'm giving myself a preview of my upcoming vacation, when hopefully it will be quieter. the only thing ruining this peaceful day is the renovations going on in the apartment above me. that's why i haven't been able to go back to sleep since 7am this morning. oh well, i guess you can't have it all...

Sharon Stone as Nicole Horner in Diabolique (a story of a wife and a mistress of one abusive man who come together to try to kill him):

Nicole: Lost your faith, eh? I've never really had any to begin with, I guess. Never believed in any of it. God, the Virgin Mary, that life begins at 40... and that people are all just basically good inside.

10 things i like about myself

1. i am thin
2. i am intelligent
3. i am good with money
4. i have simple tastes
5. i am living on my own independently
6. i can write
7. i am organized
8. i am a good listener
9. i learn things quickly
10. i have compassion and empathy

new year's eve is baffling

i never understood the big deal about new year's. if it were up to me, i'd stay home. i don't like going out and partying anymore. but this holiday is a guaranteed party whether you like it or not. and if i choose not to go i have to listen to the admonishments of my family who say, 'don't stay home by yourself!' as if it's some kind of crime. i never make resolutions. i feel like i do that all year round with myself, always trying to become a better person. therefore, new year's to me is just one day going into the next, like any other day.

i guess people feel they are on the verge of a whole new year and that reason alone is enough for celebration. but what is the celebration about? maybe getting a new start? a chance to restart in life and try to make things better? that it's a time to make wishes for new and better days in life? i am really baffled. all i know is i don't enjoy getting dressed up in a dress that will most likely make me freeze when i step outside, just to go out and drink and dance to the same songs as the year before and watching the apple drop on tv. its so repetitive and even moreso now that i'm older. am i the only freak? does everyone else out there love new year's eve parties?

i understand celebrating christmas and thanksgiving. and that should be that. i just want to be warm and cozy on new year's. indoors all night cuddled up with a blanket or maybe a certain someone, and leave it at that. that sounds perfect. early to bed to begin a new year with a calm mind and a contented heart. that's the way that it should be. who would think it's wise to start off the new year with a hangover anyway?

let me know

can you let me know
the ways of the world?
the way the fruits blossom
on the tree branch
the way the bird's song starts
the day
the morning sky
the brigtening of the wings
of those who cease to slumber
in the wake of things

can you show me the way?
the bright path illuminated
the wondering woods
the doors to the seascapes
the wonder of whirls
in a rain drop
a tear drop
a heart beat
a song of the natural

human, divine
living and dying
withering, thriving

the wordless and sightless
can you let me in on it?
all the sensations of a world i can't see
most of the time

why do i feel the way that i do right now?

there are some things i know i can do well, and others that take me a little time. i'm still not totally comfortable calling people on the phone. i still feel a bit out of breath when forced to talk too much. and i know its possible to feel another way. if it weren't, there would be no musicians, politicians, public motivational speakers in the world. there are people out there who can withstand the limelight. they thrive on it. they get their energy from others. i guess those are the extroverts. the introverts feel their energy draining when around too many people, or so that's what i've heard.

there was a delay on the train this morning and everyone was standing around annoyed. but there was a nice suprise. after the first stop, a man got up and offered me his seat. it's nice to see that chivalry is not dead. then another nice suprise when i came into the office. a gift was sitting on my desk with a candy cane attached to it. it was from one of the trainers who works here but whom i've hardly worked with at all. talk about selfless giving. When i walked by i noticed that he also left a small gift for the other administrative assistant here. my gift was a cute card and a very pretty butterfly and dragonfly frame, it's red and silver. i love unexpected surpises like that, espeically when they turn out to be somethng i really like! :)

i left work yesterday in a very bad mood. i guess these small good things happen to show me that it's ok to be positive and not always expect the worst. i was sure yesterday that the world was dark and dour, but i know its just a bad day now and i can let it go. i can try to remember to expect good things, and maybe they will keep coming into my life. i shouldn't be writing this while at work. but i'm bored and there isn't much to do. it's weird to have the flow of words disrupted though by a phone call or an email or someone stopping by. it's too bad i can't be in flow all the time. it's like partaking in bliss..

my favorite song of the moment

it sucks that i could not embed this into my post, but follow the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Top0ZUzg5bQ

a typical day of my life if i didn't have to work

9:30am-10am - meditation time

10am- breakfast

11am-1pm- volunteer for City Harvest (or other food pantry)

1pm-2pm- lunch

2pm-4pm- Writing time- either at the library or at a cafe- work on poetry and creative nonfiction.

4pm-4:30- tai chi class

5pm-6pm- piano or guitar class

6-6:30pm - meditation

7pm- Dinner

Rest of Evening- a combination of long bubble baths, seeing my family and boyfriend, shopping, reading, clearing out clutter, painting my apartment, researching new hobbies, going to see live bands play, going to museums, going to poetry readings, watching my favorite movies, etc.

goals for the new year

so, in an attempt to get my life going in a specific direction, i've decided to enroll in the 5 courses below that are required to obtain a certificate in editing from NYU. I will probably take one or two courses at a time, depending on what I can afford. I had wanted to take them in the past, but repaying my student loans was holding me back. now that those are done, I'm free to pursue my real dream of becoming an editor. Most of these courses start in late February and run for 8-10 sessions.

Course Offerings I chose are:

Freelance Opportunities in Book Publishing

From Writer to Reader: An Introduction to Book Publishing

Fundamentals of Copyediting Books

Grammar Intensive: Mastering Style and Sentence Structure

How to Be a Book Editor: An Inside Look at the Editorial Process

I'm excited about the possibilities :)

poem i just wrote (at work)

papercut

i bleed
but i long to sit by a fire
listen to my thoughts
detach from the words

and the stares and the glares
and the shove of the
streets
if a song
could awake me

and live in the house of my
body, if a lull in the noise
could sustain me
could make silence visible
rework my senses

what i want is something
lost,
something fragile
a song i can create to let the world see
me.

something personal to save
the self in fragments
the girl whose world crushes-

the girl who's sunlight has shone
and gone and set.

25 things I want to do in life..

1.write a play or short story

2.see japan

3.go on a road trip

4.have meaningful connections with people

5.help the homeless and hungry

6.learn to play an instrument-piano/guitar

7.get a modelling job

8.see more live theatrical shows

9.establish a blog

10.get my poetry published

11.explore and shop in chinatown

12.pare down my possessions to only the essentials

13.get in better shape

14.buy a house

15.go to europe again

16.have my own business (passive income)

17.star in a play

18.buy a car

19.write a song

20.practice regular acts of kindness

21.write a book

22.organize a charity event

23.help others improve their lives somehow (maybe by writing a book?)

24.be an example of happiness and success for my nephew Ryan.

25.make a living doing what i love to do

opening entry of my handwritten journal

the entry below is an excerpt handwritten in my paper journal on 7/27/2008:

i wrote down an idea in my previous journal for a writing topic, but never got to elaborate on it further. it was about one ordinary weeknight when i was at home. i had left a music channel on my television and as i was crossing over to the bed or the bathroom i noticed that the song playing was 'besame mucho'- but an insturmental version. for some reason, hearing that song took me out of my immediate present reality, and into an alternate one. i imagined i could be on the streets in europe, listening to it play at a cafe. anywhere else but where i was. i had the feeling of being on vacation, with everything feeling slightly removed and unfamiliar. but it was something comforting at the same time. a break from the everyday normal routine. it was a reminder of the fluidity of life - of the possibilities that abound there.

in starting this journal i was reminded of how i used to start other journals in my teens and early 20s. i used to write in big flowey letters 'karen's fairy journal,' drawing pictures of flowers and butterflies around the curvy lettering. this journal didn't seem to call for an opening like that. i don't know. maybe its because i've been 29 for a couple of weeks now, and part of me may feel like this journal needs to be about exploring a newer, different side to me. the person i'm growing into being. now i have a job that is somewhat less stressful, but in another way, more stressful. i work as an administrative assistant. i'm very capable at it and even enjoy it, but at the same time i find myself thinking- i'm 29 and still only an administrative assistant. after all, there are girls 23 and 24 years old who make 45-50k a year working in marketing or at magazines or as accountants or teachers. those kinds of thoughts make me feel that i'm just languishing. though maybe if i keep going back to recognizing myself and who i am at my core, i will never feel less than anyone else or out of place in any profession because i will have the comfort of knowing that i am fulfilling my ultimate purpose.

i never used to weigh my values on conventional, societal ideals. i found (and still find) value in creativitiy, living simply, sucking all the juice out of life, living as if in the magic of poetic language. living life with a purpose and meaning that one defines for one's self, no matter the opinons of the common masses. holding onto one's freedom, individuality and singular expression has importance over everything else. a person cannot rest or be at peace unless he is heeding the call of his heart, his own personal song, a vision of what true happiness really means.

i think within myself there may be a bit of a fear of success. i may be one of those people who goes mad if i'm given too much money. last week i finally succeeded in my long term goal of wiping out my student loan debt. - it was $20,000 in total. and the idea of no longer owing anything, of no longer having to set aside huge portions of my paycheck anymore- was somewhat unsettling. as crazy as that sounds it actually made me feel anxious - i suppose because i no longer had a major, definite goal to work toward. i had finally reached it and i guess a part of me was wondering what was next.

i woke up with a headache today. it's sunday, but i dont have that usual dread of having to start the work week. i'm comfortable where i am working. no son much where i am living though. i'm at Ivan's apartment sitting at his desk writing in this journal, while he stands at his easel behind me, working on a painting he began yesterday. every now and then he makes sounds of frustration or curses. he just left the room. outside the sky is thundering and there is a light rain falling. Ivan has just returned with a stack of paper towels. we just got through watching a documentary of the artist chuck connely. a man who became very successful as a young artist, but whose self-destructive habits took his success away. Ivan sighs out of frustration, saying it would be great if he could paint with only one hand.

my hair is wet and tied in a low ponytail. Ivan suggested that maybe a shower would help me relieve my headache, when drinking water, eating a doughnut and drinking a coffee coolatta failed to do the trick. but that is mostly because this is a pms headache. and those don't go away just like that. i'm using a pen that i stole from work, that i thought wrote smoothly but is actually causing my arm to cramp up.

a skech that Ivan did of me, right after i had been crying, is the decoration in the inside cover of this journal. i hope that doesn't doom me to a bunch of morose journal entries. Ivan just explained to me the painting technique of 'scrafito,' in which a layer of paint is put on the canvas and then scratched with a knife. it looks to me almost like a stained glass effect. it's strange to be afraid of happiness - i guess the fear of losing it. i try not to let that get to me and just give myself over to those magical, out of this world moments. those moments of being and feeling whole, natural, healthy and free.

i hope for myself that growing older is not difficult. that i will still find things in life that will motivate me, satisfy me, make me feel fulfilled, complete, at ease and happy. i hope that it won't be a downward spiral, as most people are led to believe. there is so much change everywhere- in the world, in one's family, in one's own self that it can become hard to keep track of the self. most people when they get close to the age of 30 feel disappointed only if they feel they should have accomplished more by that age. i think i may be suffering from a bit of that. there are people my age who live in grand houses, who write scripts that become hollywood movies, who write books, who play live shows with bands and sing in front of an adoring audience. sylvia plath died at age 30, but before she died she wrote countless plays, poetry, a novel. she became a well known writer, her journals were published. her one novel, the bell jar is still widely known and read, regardless of the fact that it was largely autobiographical. and these things make me wonder what i have to show for being the age that i am. will only i be the one seeing and reading what i've written? will all the journals i have locked away in a fire-proof box one day just be discarded without so much as one soul showing any interest in them? in me or in the world and life i am currently inhabiting?

sometimes i remind myself that its ok to keep it simple in writing. i don't have to sit to write 10 ot 20 pages all at once or not write anything. in her journals, sylvia plath would sometimes only write a paragraph describing what the rain sounds like falling on her roof in the quiet of her bedroom. nothing else was needed because that was all she had to say on that day.

i want to continue to like myself as a person throughout my life. and i think a big part of that depends on being absolutely true to myself. never wavering in my belief as a singluar human being, and never bending to the will of others who want me to be someone else more to their liking.

what would janice do?

i love janice dickenson. since i don't have work tomorrow, i'm up at 3:24am watching her sell her jewelry on HSN (home shopping network). all the cocktail rings are lovely, but of course at size 5, too big for my fingers. oh well. not like i should be spending money anyway. i adore janice's personality. she's loud and obnoxious, but in a way that is fully, unapologetically her. she is not afraid to be who she is. to be loud or overbearing, to be fun and stlyish, sexy and fabulous no matter how old she gets. she has admirable ambition and drive. and has made herself into a success in the modelling world on her own terms.

i've read 2 of her books- her autobiography 'no lifeguard on duty' which i lent to my mom and she loved it too and 'everything about me is fake and i'm perfect.' her writing style is fresh and she has a natural way of telling a story that draws you in, as if you were in conversation with her. she is the epitomy of strong. i wish i could be that way. i mean so socially strong that i intimidate others with my confidence and sense of self. that others are at a loss for words when around me because i make such a secure impression on them. to be like her, not like myself- shy, always retreating, second guessing. that is my ultimate dream. to be unafraid to speak my mind. to be who i want to be and see myself to be.

i was addicted to her show back when it was on oxygen, 'the janice dickenson modelling agency.' i had rented the first season from netflix and became addicted. mostly because janice took every opportunity to showcase her best self. her talents for photography, modelling and being a model agent and mentor. it was really hypnotic in a way. there is no one else like her on earth. she is what i strive to be in my life. there was a scene on her show where she encourages one of the models in her agency by telling him that growing up, "I believed you could be, just anyone you really wanted to be." and that just sums it all up , doesn't it? she said it with a conviction that would remove any doubt. she was dead serious.

she came from humble beginnings, came from an abusive household, and still had the determination and strength to go after her dream of being a model in a time where models looked nothing like her. they were all blonde and blue-eyed. she paved her own path and became an in demand model anyway when most agencies turned her away at first. she didn't let anything defeat her. she later decided she wanted to have a modelling agency of her own, and film the whole process for a reality show, and so it was done. just like that. she decided to write books, so she became a best selling author. and it's easy to see why. she is a distinct personality. an amazing woman who has accomplished so much. people may ridicule her but she lives her life in her own way and makes no apologies ever.

she knows exactly who she is and is unafraid to show it. and that is so stunning to me. she is definitely someone i admire and look up to and who makes me happy whenever i see her on tv or read fashion/beauty tips in her books. she makes it all look so easy and so fun because she really lives her life and makes the most of it, and encourages others to do the same in her books. so now i guess she has a jewelry line, i had no idea about it. the bracelets and rings and necklaces are so pretty too. i guess there really is no limit to what a person can do or what she can get if she really really wants it..

'do your thing, whatever it is that you do
everybody's magical, beautiful, do your own thing
shining like a super star, what you feel is who you are
do your own thing'

- from the theme song of her TV show

hello again

ok so i have not written on here in a very long time. and I'm sure no one out there will be reading this blog. except maybe for a selet few who i let know about it. anyway, i took a much needed day off today. and it has been relaxing. thank goodness. i probably need to furnish my walls a bit, since they are still all bare since i moved in here in september. i had to take a day of to regroup. to remember what's important to me. and what can wait. a stressful job can wait. a stressful job will always be there. and now i'm consumed with the idea of cutting down my commute. it would be great if i could leave my comfortable apartment and be at work in 5 minutes or 10, instead of in a huge commuting crowd and two different trains and long walks to and from my building.

i needed to remember what it is to be human. and not a machine. a coworker tells me that people wonder sometimes if i'm actually human, because of the efficiency with which i do my work. i have to keep in mind the important things. and breaking my back won't ensure i'll always have a job. it's so important to keep my mind on the positive things. the things in life that make me joyful, so i don't feel that getting through the days is tedious and hard work all the time. it doesn't have to be that way. some people understand this. they do as little work as possible because they know that it takes a lot to have reason to fire an employee. they don't feel they have anything to prove. they just take their time with their tasks. it's so important though to have a balance, between who i am personally and who i am at work. they don't have to be one in the same person. and that's what taking a day off reminds me of. and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that i recognized the signs of burnout and gave myself a break. and i'm glad for people in my life who remind me of who i am, what helps me and what i love to do and what makes me happy.

I am nobody's little weasel

i recently rented the movie 'amelie' which i started out really liking a lot. i had heard it was a feel good movie that pointed out all the little special things about life that most people usually overlook or take for granted. amelie is a quiet, young girl in her early twenties who suffered from a lot of traumas as a child, as a result she lives mostly in her imagination and tries as much as possible to avoid and ignore reality. i found it to be a really charming story about a young girl who felt suddenly like she found her purpose in the world, after doing a kind act for a stranger (anonymously) and seeing how good it made her feel. she has this epiphany and starts to do more and more kind, benevolent acts for strangers, acquaintances, neighbors and coworkers. she does this purely to help them and entertain herself at the same time with the idea that they are clueless about how these good things just happen.

i thought wow, here's a movie that's about a pretty young girl that doesn't focus on her trying to get/keep/find/win a man. and actually it shows her having a higher purpose. her life's mission is guided and focused on that one thing. i found it to be really refreshing and inspiring. UNTIL, it of course turned into a pseudo love story about her being too shy to approach a guy she grew up with and is secretly in love with. i thought i was going to vomit when her elderly neighbor tells her to 'go get him' or something to that effect. i was completely disgusted. i thought, wow, this could have been a movie with a real, profound message and meaning and instead it became a typical, cliche love story. i would have loved it if it carried on in the same vein throughout. and amelie had learned that it she could bring joy and light to the world simply by being herself and doing good deeds for others.

but by the end of the movie i was upset. because it seems that of course the young woman's mission in life turned out to be to get her man, forgetting all those kind acts she did for others and switching her focus entirely. it was so predictable and tired. i so thought this movie would be about something else. something not so typical and truly inspiring. and it was throughout the first half, then it just got boring. the guy she was in love with kind of came up out of nowhere, like an afterthought. and the movie would have been just fine without him in my opinion.

my nephew's baptism

...

just want to sleep
just want to keep sleeping
just want to sleep forever
just want to disappear

going down to liverpool

recently i went to a street fair near my job and noticed a CD booth, they were selling the bangles' greatest hits CD for $8. but this is how poor i am, i put it back and decided i should save my money. i really liked that CD though, it was a favorite of mine in high school. i picked it up and looked at the song list for a while and tried to decide whether or not to buy it. i thought maybe it would bring back depressing memories of high school, but as i walked away, the guy at the stand selling the CDs picked it up and started to play it. i guess to convince me to come back and buy it. as i listened to 'hero takes a fall' it was amazing how fast all those high school memories started flooding back, going to chem lab and walking through the hallways alone, anonymous, the way i liked it.

life was much simpler then even though i was much more lonely. with the current state of indecision and insecurity in my career and in my life and uncertainty about the future, this is the song that feels most relatable to me right now- going down to liverpool (lyrics below). how nice it would be to go someplace and live out the rest of my days doing nothing, no obligations, no expectations, no stress, no pressures. what a dream that would be. it certanly isn't reality. unless you happen to be independantly wealthy. it's a pretty dreamy song even if it does still make me a little sad. i should've just bought the CD.

going down to liverpool

Hey now...
Where you going with that load of nothing in your hand?
I said: Hey now...
All through this green and pleasant land.

I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
All the days of my life
All the days of my life.

Hey there...
Where you going with that UB40 in your hand?
I said: Hey there...
All through this green and pleasant land.

I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
All the days of my life
All the days of my life.

Hey now
Where you going with that UB40 in your hand
I said: Hey now
All through this green and pleasant land.

I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
All the days of my life
All the days of my life.

this is why i need to start meditating again

i'm currently rereading 'the way to love; the last meditations of anthony de mello' and it's because of the following passage. this paragraph turned my day around and made it bright again:

"Third, spend some time observing the things and people around you. Look, but really look, as if for the first time, at the face of a friend, a leaf, a tree, a bird in flight, the behavior and mannerisms of the people around you. Really see them and hopefully you will see them afresh as they are in themselves without the dulling, stupefying effect of your ideas and habits."

when i first read this book, this passage is what stayed with me. haunted me. and reminded to always see the world and everyone with fresh eyes, as if for the first time. of course, reading the book as a whole, slowly. is much better.

some hope?

i've been reading some of my monthly horoscopes online and most of them are promising the same thing- a new beginning, a fresh start or opportunity in my career. a period of scary, but worthwhile change. and possibly a new position, job offer or promotion. this has me breathing a bit more easily. because it's amazing sometimes how accurate those forecasts can be. i need to somehow pull myself out of this rut. otherwise this job that was supposed to be temporary is going to become my main career for the rest of my life. and i don't want to see that happen. i don't see my future there at all, but it's up to me to do something. to move in another direction. to try something else and try not to be so afraid.

it's so nice to have free time. to be able to sleep in late, stay up late reading and watch a movie in the middle of the day. and look around online without rushing. on my last vacation i finally got around to reading 'the davinci code' and it was totally worth it. yesterday i started reading the lead articles in this copy of writer's market that i got for $1 at strand a while back. it's the 2005 edition. there are some good articles and interviews in there. i like the idea of perusing the listings of what magazines are looking for to generate writing ideas. i think if i were rich and didn't have to work , that's what i would do. send out query letters, try to become published and work as a freelance writer. the unstable pay would not be a factor. and i could do it out of fun without any of the stress.

i have to start playing the lottery or something.

i have found recently that i've been using shopping to deal with being in a bad mood. if i'm feeling down about something, i'll treat myself to something new, and it's a bad habit to get into. way too many impulse buys. it's become like an addiction. and it doesnt help that i work so close to so many retail stores. it's way too easy and tempting to stop by on my lunch hour and browse around. it partly has to do with the fact that my wardrobe sucks, but it's gotten way out of hand. i've opened 3 department store credit card accounts in the past couple of months, and almost opened a 4th the other day. right now i have a new york and company card, a macy's card, and a victoria's secret card. and i don't know why i've gotten like this. i've NEVER been one to spend carelessly. yet here i am.

i think it's a more psychological issue though than anything else. i feel like i need to feel better one day, so i'll treat myself to expensive coffee for too many days, or buy some other unnecessary thing like a book, or a hangbag, or something like that. just because it makes me feel better to have something new. but i can't keep rationalizing those purchases. i have to start putting money into savings again so i don't feel so deprived when i start making big payments towards my student loans.

this is a weird time. one minue i'm fine and feel like i can cope and things will be ok. the next minute i'm in a panic and afraid of living and dreading what's to come. even though i don't know what it is yet.

"To be no one but yourself in a world that is doing it's best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human can fight, and to never stop fighting."~ E.E. Cummings

overhwlemed

i've taken a couple of days off from work. to clear my head. to give myself a breather. and it's been ok, except for the fact that i can't truly relax. i'm too worried and scared. i was pretty ok with my life before my family started putting the pressure on. but i also knew i didn't want to stay at my current job for the rest of my life. even the idea of 'the rest of my life' seems overwhelmingly scary to me. and i get to this point where my mind stops because it's so crammed full. and i forget who i am and what i like and the things i tell myself in order to get through the day, like i'll wear a favorite outfit tomorrow that i will feel good in, or i can't wait to watch a certain show tonight, or read a new book or throw out some old clutter. i get anxious to the point of paralysis. like today i found myself wondering, do i really need a career counselor? or do i need to go to a psychiatrist or a therapist to work on my fear of speaking and presentation? because doesn't every well paying job in the world require speaking well and good presentation? and won't my family be expecting me not to settle for anything less than something well-paying, even if it's not exactly what i want to do? will they care if i am miserable because i can't find a job to suit my personality? is there even a job out there that will?

i felt too overhwlemed by my worries to even search for career counselors online. i started to but then i wondered how much they would charge me, and if they would really be able to help me at all, and how could i even pick one without knowing if they are good or knowing anything about them? i once had a recommendation for one from an old boss of mine, but i've lost her contact information, giving up on seeing her after we played phone tag for a few weeks, never able to get in touch with each other. i feel like it's too hard. and its all too much. i thought i should call my mother tonight, but i cried at the thought of that because i knew i'd be doing it out of guilt and not because i really felt like talking to her. i have pms so it's best to avoid any and all human contact right now. i barely made it back home from the grocery store today. i was burdened by my thoughts and hardly able to hold myself up and act like a normal person. how do you go through life without any really good sense of who you are?

how much of life is genuinely confusing, and how much am i really just complicating it by refusing to grow up and face my fears? i feel like i don't even know where or how to begin or who to go to for help. times of change are difficult for me. this current job was good for a few years, i learned a lot, i got to move out on my own, meet new people, but now i feel i have to change again and evolve, and now is not a time to coast along. i have to find my ambition before i totally lose it, before i run out of time, i just feel like i need more guidance. i feel unsure of everything, and it affects my whole life. my friends probably think i don't want to see them, but it's just that i feel out of place in my body, and i'm not the same person i was when i met them. when i met them i was ok with my work, i thought i'd be ok there for a few years and my life could go on as it was and nobody would be getting on my case about it. but now it just seems hard to live daily life. its harder to talk to people, to make eye contact, to present myself well, to feel good in my skin. it's hard to explain. i feel unsure of every step i take, and overtaken by the question of why i'm alive and what am i here to accomplish? daily life feels more like a chore because i'm facing all these difficuly choices. do i stay in my apartment? do i try to change careers? what if it doesn't work? i sent out like 6 or 7 resumes a couple of weeks ago and haven't heard from anyone. maybe i'm not qualified for the jobs i think i want. or i've told myself i should want.

i feel like i'm drowning sometimes in all this indecision. i don't want my career to define me. i want a job that doesnt leave me super stressed out all the time. i just want that career thing settled so i can go back to focusing on my inner life and becoming happier. i loved those times as a temp when i wasn't really important to the company but i had my steady job there, and i was free to leave work and read writing books and listen to music and watch concert videos and journal about my dreams. it was a time when i was free to be really creative and really myself, because my life wasn't defined by work. i didn't have rent to pay or really any responsibilities, but i know those days are over.

still, i want to feel like my life is my own, that i'm in control, that i chose work because it suits who i am without feeling all that guilt. i feel lazy and dumb. i have no right to be tired, my parents have a right to be tired, they've been working 20+ years for my sake. and for what? to have me let them down like this? it's so hard to live with myself because of that. it's hard feeling that i've dissapointed them and it may be too late and i may be too abnormal and strange to turn things around at this point. why did i have to be so timid and dumb as to not try to do an internship at penguin putnam in college instead of at some tiny unknown spirtual organization? why did i always try to take the easy way out? i should've actually thought about it. i don't know what the hell i was thinking in school. i could've had a real career for myself. i had a scholarship that paid for a good part of my tuition. and i let it all go to waste. it's doesn't sit well. i wish i could go back and do it all over, kowing what i know now. it's hard for my to enjoy something like a night out with my friends, or writing, or a movie or a book without feeling like i should be doing something else more productive, like i should be trying to fix my life.

i just don't know what to do :(
i'm trying to keep doing those little things that make me happy. and take things one day at a time.

rediscovering myself

why does it sometimes seem like the right time in life to start all over again? to throw out all the old and start fresh? it's kind of like spring cleaning, but i guess now it would be fall cleaning, since the summer is over. i feel this in a drastic way right now, like i want to throw out all my clothes, most of my shoes, most of my accessories and makeup, most of the decor in my apartment and start over with all of it. try harder to make it a true reflection of the person i've become and the person i want to be. so much of it just feels so outdated because i know i have changed. and the old me who purchased that handbag or that shirt or those earrings or that wall hanging no longer exists.

a new person has taken her place. a more mature person, someone who is contemplating long-term goals, not just short-term goals like she has her whole life up until now. it's so weird when your surroundings don't fit who you are anymore. and you simply feel out of place. it causes life to feel unbalanced and strange.

i find myself at work thinking, when i get home the first thing i'm going to do is throw out that old white shirt that i hate because it's so unflattering, or that dress i don't wear anymore because i'm sick of it, or those pants that are shapeless and missing a button. i want to have a wardrobe full of things i love. but i always tend to buy things that don't go with anything else in my closet. and fashion magazines confuse me. or just list things that are so far out of my price range.

a lot of the time i'll see women on the street who's style i admire and take inspiration from them. i got rid of a few things here and there tonight but still feel like somehow i have too much. i have too many shirts to wear to go to sleep. to many purses that i don't use. too many cassette tapes i never listen to. too many bottles of old nail polish that bubble and chip quickly when i try to wear them, too many stray papers and catalogues and reading material lying around. it can so quickly get out of control as soon as you attempt to control it. i think this will take time, but i've gotten rid of a lot over recent years, and have never missed any of it.

i'm one of those people who keep clothes for years, buying just a couple of new things each season. i guess that's why i'm not drowning in debt. but it's so easy to get tired of the same old clothes. for a while i felt i had too many tops so i started buying a lot of pants, now i feel i wear the same pants over and over (i have a problem with taking the others to the dry cleaners) and feel like i need to buy more because now i have too many tops and skirts.

i still have clothes that i wore when i first started working 3 years ago. i guess i have trouble letting go of perfectly good clothes, even if it makes me sick to look at them, or even think of wearing them. there's so much other stuff i know i could get rid of if given the proper amount of time to sort. vhs tapes i never watch anymore, CDs i don't listen to, old socks i can't wear, shoes that are uncomfortable, books i didn't find interesting enough to finish, old pictures that i have no reason to look at again, old scraps of paper containing half-written poems in a large binder taking up space in my bookcase, and on and on. it never ends.

whenever i buy something new, like a new purse or a new shirt, i try to get rid of an old one. this is so i don't find myself buying new hangers unnecessarily for clothes that will never again see the light of day. i get the satisfaction of knowing i'm not adding to the clutter, but it's not always easy to do. i'm going to attempt to tonight though, since i do have some free time. and i feel like the walls are closing in on me.

i wish

i wish i didn't want so much out of life

i wish i knew where to begin to get what i want

i wish i could remember how to relax again

i wish i had something right now to look forward to

i wish i had the means and the self confidence for success

i wish i could control my longing

i wish there was a simpler way to go about my days

i wish i had more courage

i wish people could be more understanding

i wish people could be more forgiving

i wish i could get my creativity back

i wish there were no such thing as bad days

i wish i could live without stress

i wish i could feel in control of my life

i wish i coudl feel proud of myself

i wish sometimes for complete isolation

i wish for the rush of my thoughts and worries to cease

i wish for peace of mind

i wish i could stop feeling like a disappointment

this song is resonating strongly with me

...just because time seems to pass by so fast. it's especially relevant now that my family wants me to get on the corporate fast track. hope i don't lose myself along the way..

"everyday"

something I've been wanting to say to you.
are you sitting down?
pretty soon, there will be a day,
when I won't be around.

im not trying to scare you
or play with your sympathy.
just want to remind you
that life is a symphony.

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.

people always rushing around,
wasting time on money.
don't be just a face in the crowd.
getting high and running from something.

i'm not trying to tell you what to do.
in the end, it's up to you.

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.

dip your feet into the ocean.
let the sun beat on your skin.
soak in every emotion,
that you never thought you'd live.
and never take for granted,
every breath you're breathing in.
go everywhere you've never been,

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.



-bif naked

hurry sickness

(this was written a little earlier today at work)

(these things may seem petty, but they add this subtle, stressful undertone to life that is totally unnecessary and completely annoying)

I don’t know if this is an actual sickness, but I think it is. I have experienced it. Not in myself, but in those around me. especially in new york city, where it’s the norm to have everything fast-paced and crazy. It can be annoying though when you don’t feel like rushing, when you just want to walk at a normal pace and not feel pushed. I absolutely hate it when I am crossing the street and there is a car waiting impatiently at a stop sign, and the moment I clear the way, they peel off as if I was taking 100 years to cross or something. It always unnerves me. it’s to the point that I find myself often running across the street so as not to incite the driver’s anger. This happens practically on a daily basis.

And I hate it when I’m on my way to work and people step on the back of my shoes in the process of rushing to pass me. now, I walk very fast as it is. It’s impossible NOT to, especially during the morning rush our in downtown NY or any part of NY, and these people are STILL trying desperately to pass by me. I find it similar to cars that cut you off on the road. It’s like, give me some room to walk, you know? I’m a human being too. I’m not invisible for fuck’s sake. Maybe I have somewhere I need to be, just like you.

I’ve had it happen several times where people will step on the back of my shoe and actually make me almost trip, or make my shoe come off in the middle of the street. And this has been with every type of footwear: sandals, sneakers, flats, heels, whatever. They find a way to step on them so hard that I have to stop and regain my balance, or stop to put my fallen shoe back on. They sometimes, not always, utter an embarrassed (yet insincere) and rushed ‘sorry’ as they pass, and I always just glare at them. I fight the urge to call them morons. I mean how hard is it to watch where you’re going and not slam into the person in front of you??? I don’t think it’s that damn difficult.

Another shining example of this is on elevators, why is it that once I get to my floor, if there are still people on the elevator- they feel the need to press the ‘door close’ button like a maniac before I even step out? Isn’t this a little extreme? Are you that much in a hurry that you can’t wait a few seconds for the doors to close on their own? It’s not like you’re going to grow old in there waiting. I find this to be incredibly rude for some reason. Like you don’t have the right to ride an elevator if you’re holding other people up from getting to their floors, even though you are trying to get to work too and just happen to work in the same building! I never do this to anyone. I wait however long it takes for them to step out of the elevator without implying that they rush out as quickly as possible because they are inconveniencing me. These are the mysteries of our modern, urban workaday culture. Talk about a rat race.

a repost- Sept 11, 2001, questions and thoughts

September 11, 2001 questions and thoughts

I wrote this on 5/9/02 in response to a series of prompts i found online relating to September 11, 2001. they were meant to preserve the memory of the day for future generations.

1. Where were you and what were you doing when you first heard the news of the attack on America, Sept 11, 2001? i was on an express bus just coming out of the Battery Tunnel, when the entire bus was in a little commotion and everyone began to go to the right side to look up out of the windows. we were a few blocks from the towers and we could see thick black smoke consuming the top of one of the towers. everyone was confused, but i just thought it was a fire, nothing to be alarmed about, they would just put it out and that would be it. i was on the bus because i was on my way to a temp agency to act as a stand-by temp who comes in the morning for last minute assignments.

2. What were your first thoughts and feelings upon hearing the news? What were the first things you commented on? the bus turned on to the expressway by the water and everyone had learned from listening to headphones/radio that a second plane had hit, and we had just learned about the first- which everyone assumed had just been an accident. there was a woman on the bus with a radio and everyone watched her and waited for news to clear up their confusion. she said that a second plane had hit the second tower, and it was now confirmed that was a deliberate act. everyone stared out the left side windows now, horrified, trying to use their cell phones and assure loved ones that they were all right. i would get peeks at the World Trade Center between the buildings as the bus moved along swiftly, each time it was a more horrific sight.

i remember first seeing what looked like paper- millions of papers flying through the air, shooting out from a burning hole in one of the towers. you could see the force of the wind, or the suction or something in the shining sunlight, it looked as if the top of the tower was spewing papers right at the expressway and river on our right. i looked at the water and it was littered with what looked like white paper, but which we later learned was pieces of shrapnel from the actual buildings.

by this time the top of both towers were in flames. i was sitting next to a young blonde girl who was trying to reach her boyfriend on his cell phone because he worked as a janitor at the World Trade Center. luckily though, his shift began around 4:00 that day, so he hadn't been there or arrived. she kept saying 'oh shit' as she dialed, telling me that all their friends work in the towers as well.

i tried to call my mother but the cell phone did not work. when i looked back out at the towers, i got a full clear view and gasped, covering my mouth with my free hand as my eyes grew large trying to capture and grasp what i saw. trying to understand and process. the entire length of both towers was covered with black smoke, like two glowing matchsticks, and i could only think.. 'i thought they were going to stop it- put the fires out, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??' patches of dark black smoke covered almost every recognizable silver piece of the towers and i could see small red flames shooting out to the sky from some of the center windows and upper windows of one tower. i turned back to face the front of the bus and thought to myself, 'my God, there are people burning in there right now. how are they going to get out?'

my mom called my cell phone and finally it went through and she asked me where i was, i told her i was on the bus and i would try to get to her job. she works in midtown. the bus driver was confused about being told to divert through brooklyn and leave all the passengers there (which worried me and my mom) but then he got different instructions to continue on his route but only up until the stop after mine, which was 42nd street. i told my mom he was going to stop at 34th st and that i'd be there soon. the bus driver also spoke on a cell phone, asking the person on the other end if his son was all right.

by this time, everyone was weary, panicky, and one woman started to cry. i remember hearing another console her saying, 'don't cry.' everyone was very confused and i just wanted to see my mother and tell her what i had seen. as i entered her building, they told me to go downstairs where she was and i went and saw her and hugged her hard. i was afraid and just glad to see she was ok. i told her what i had seen- both towers completely enveloped in smoke, from way down by the ground. i couldn't believe it-it was unlike anything i'd ever seen.

my mother had a portable radio and she heard as the spanish DJs described what was happening. we went out to the sidewalk and looked up at the tops of the towers and they were still aflame, there were crowds of people standing around and just staring up, or trying to use their cell phones. oddly though, there were other people just strolling by casually as if nothing was out of the ordinary. there was an electronics store near us that turned the news on their TVs and a small group of people, including us, crowded in front of it, everyone just looked on in shock. one man, with cell phone in hand, told the people standing close to him that he was supposed to be at the towers that morning for a breakfast meeting, but he'd been running late. he spoke somberly as if he didn't believe his own words. everyone felt the same confusion.

on the TV screen we all watched in the store, they showed footage of the pentagon in washington DC, which has also been hit by a plane and now appeared to lie in ruins. they also announced that a number of planes were still circling the air, their targets unknown. a shot of the New York skyline appeared then on the screen, but you couldn't see any of the buildings. the entire city was hidden by thick, black, billowing smoke. it was just smoke on the island of Manhattan, smoke on top of water, and below that unbelievable scene flashed these words "NYC ON FULL TERRORIST ALERT." the words flashed again and again, like an emergency signal, and the last place i wanted to be, was where i was standing- midtown Manhattan.

i walked around the block to try to call my sister and tell her we were all right. but there was a short line to use the pay phones because all cell phones had gone dead. as i waited behind a girl using the pay phone i heard her say, 'the building just fell. i saw it,' and i was shocked, there was no way it could be real, there was no way a tower had collapsed. at that moment i saw my mom leave her building again and walk around the corner where she could see the towers. i tried to call my sister, but i didn't get through, they told me she was teaching. when i crossed back to join my mother where we could see the towers- she turned around and looked at me with tears gathering in her voice as she said "the towers fell, there must be people dead"- she had heard it on the radio as the DJ said in spanish "The World Trade Center towers no longer exist." seeing her tell me, my stomach felt as if it had fallen out from under me. i looked up at where we had just seen the towers on fire, but now there was only pale smoke and blue sky.

at some point before, i went to one of the upper floors in my mother's building to try to use a phone and felt myself having a minor panic attack in the elevator. it was just unexpected and so strange. i felt very closed in all of a sudden, and like i could barely breathe. when we finally got back down to the lobby, people were fleeing the building in waves and for a moment i thought they were all dead, that we were all dead, like souls just waiting to be released by another imminent blast, i felt it coming in my bones. we were so close to the Empire State Building.
my mother and i were stuck in manhattan until around 7pm, sitting on benches in a small park, flinching at the sounds of planes flying overhead, trying to call and call until we could get through to our family and friends. the trains and ferries started to run again and the tunnels repoened. my father came to pick us up. i was 22 at the time.
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i love new york

since i don't have much to say, i decided to take a cue from Andy and post some pictures i took over the summer in the city. i love new york city photography. i spent my lunch hour at borders looking at an NY photography book by some hungarian photographer, forgot his name. it was inspiring though, and there's still that obsession i have with joesnyc.com. the pic above (of the barney's ad) is my favorite. don't know why.

song i'm currently obsessed with

it's impossible to listen to this song and be stressed out at the same time. it takes me to another place.

teardrop

(massive attack)

love, love is a verb
love is a doing word
fearless on my breath
gentle impulsion
shakes me makes me lighter
fearless on my breath

teardrop on the fire
fearless on my breath
nine night of matter
black flowers blossom
fearless on my breath
black flowers blossom
fearless on my breath

teardrop on the fire
fearless on my breath

water is my eye
most faithful mirror
fearless on my breath
teardrop on the fire
of a confession
fearless on my breath
most faithful mirror
fearless on my breath

teardrop on the fire
fearless on my breath


stumbling a little
stumbling a little
-----------------------------------------------

going to get your hair done does wonders for lifting a girl's mood.
i should've done it weeks ago..stupid me. i was in desperate need of a trim

gratitude list

even though this is hard for me to do since i'm in such a super shitty mood, i thought i should write a list of the things i'm grateful for to counter my previous negative post. it's always good to try to keep things in perspective.

1. i'm grateful that my neighbors are quieter now at night than they used to be, so i don't actually have to move out

2. i'm grateful that i have a job that keeps me sheltered and fed.

3. i'm gratfeul to live alone and not have anyone around to annoy me when i get in moods like this.

4. i'm grateful that this week will not be as stressful at work as last week was

5. i'm grateful to actually be dating someone, after something like a 5 year dry spell, even if it's not my ideal situation

6. i'm grateful for good friends who listen to me cry and always give me hope.

7. i'm grateful for tv shows like project runway and breaking up with shannen doherty, which keep me entertained

8. i'm grateful for my health

9. i'm grateful for the abilitly to read (i love online horoscopes and blogs) and write

10. i'm grateful to have a choice when it comes to what i want to do with my life.

ok, time to attempt a meditation, before i straighten my hair out only for it to get messed up in the rain tomorrow..

bad night

ok. this is one of those nights when i feel really bad. i hate feeling like this. but mostly it's because i have no idea what to do with my life. i was an english major in school, all the time i was there i thought i'd become a book editor. it wasn't until about senior year that i found out about the entry level job of editorial assistant which entails keeping an editor's itinerary, working late hours for shitty pay and working mostly for women (which is more difficult in my opinion), not to mention the high turnover rate for publishing jobs, and overall shitty pay compared to other professions. i read horrible accounts written by people on job sites (like vault.com) about their experiences as editorial assistants, about how one girl had an editor she worked for who would routinely make her cry with all her demands. and i thought how much i really didn't want to put myself in a position like that. so that left me a little lost after graduation.

i was offered a part time job at the place where i interned during college called 'the christophers.' they were a spiritual organization that published newsletters and books and i mostly did some filing and typing there. not much else but it was ok. but i couldn't take that part time job because i needed to find a full time job that paid me better since my sister got engaged that year and i was in need of money for bridal shower planning and dress buying and everything. a while later i tried to get back in touch with the editor at the christophers, but no one that i knew is there anymore since i never got a response from calling or emailing her.

so i took this job as a rep in a health insurance company doing data entry work and this is the company i'm still at today. i've been promoted twice and now work as an operations analyst running the monthly billing processes for Mediciad, Family Health Plus and Aplus lines of business. and i have no idea where to go from here. now none of this would be weighing on me right now if it wasn't for my family. if it wasn't for them, i'd feel free to go at my own pace in trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. but because of them i feel rushed. and i'll tell you why.

my mother wants me to help her buy a house. as in, she wants me to go to my bank and ask for a loan to buy a house so that i could help her and my father get a bigger loan with my salary and credit rating. taking out a huge loan for a huge mortgage is something that scares the shit out of me because i don't understand it. i feel too young to be taking on such a huge responsibility. my mother wants to do this now because she wants to sell her house which is an inheritance from my grandparents who passed away. the earnings from the house are to be split between my mother and her 4 sisters. and my mother wants to give some of the money to my sister for the downpayment on the house she wants to buy, as well as give me some of the money to help me pay off my student loans.

i told my mother that this idea freaks me out because god forbid, should anything happen to my parents then i'm responsible for paying back this loan or selling this house that's under my name. and the idea of that is crazy to me because i wouldn't know the first step to take. i told her i felt too young to be worrying about home ownership right now, especially since i don't even have my own life figured out yet. i can't understand why my sister and her husband (who both make A LOT more money than me) can't get a home loan on their own that's pretty decent. my mother also brought up the point that her and my dad owning a home will prevent them from being eligible to receive govt funded medicaire and those kinds of programs as they get older. if they own a house than they will not qualify.

i told her i understood all this, and i would be willing to do this (buy the house from them) later on. when my life is in order. when i know what career i want. i feel like if i ask for this loan than i am stuck with this job forever. it's not terrible work, but i'm still deciding on whether or not i'm ok with just totally giving up on myself. if i'm not going to bother trying to make another one of my dreams come true. or if i'm ok just stagnating at this job until they decide to get rid of me or until i grow old and retire. it's too much for me to think about right now and i'm stressing out.

i didn't get to do anything this weekend but lie around and think about this. and i hate it. i hate not having any guidance. and my mother asked me the last time i talked to her if i've been looking for another job. i told her i have no idea what to look for! and i may need to just see a career counsellor because i feel like there's no well paying job out there that i am capable of doing. my friend recently got a job as an art director for a media company and he sent me their listing for job openings. i read each one and thought, there's no way in hell i can do that. you need confidence for these jobs, the ability to speak well and present well and i just don't have it.

i don't want to be struggling my whole life and the idea of eventually having to take care of my parents truly terrifies me like nothing else. so this is the real reason people have children. that's what i'm starting to realize more and more. it doesnt matter at all what i want. it doesnt matter that all my life and time and money seem to revolve around my sister's life and whenever she needs something like a bridal or baby shower or wedding, or a house , it ends up screwing me. i need so much time to think about this. and i feel like i'm just running out of it. and there's just nothing left to look forward to for myself.

i just want to take a break. get off the fucking fast track of trying to improve myself and breathe for once. not have anyone pressuring me. something so good happened to me recently and i can barely enjoy it because of this. when will happiness be more regular than obligation? why can't i get the guy i'm seeing to actually consider becoming my actual boyfriend? why is there such a fucking delay on everything that could make me happy? why do i have to have my plans cancelled on a rainy weekend when there's nothing else to do and no where else to go? why does he have to leave me waiting by the phone because he 'might' get back early from going out with his friends? and leave me with no plans as a result? i feel so frustrated and tired.

i want this to pass but i know it won't for a while. tomorrow is monday and another boring day at work, when i won't get so much as a phone call or email or text from him because he's virtually unreachable during the week. no contact at all to at least let me know he's thinking about me. i don't get it. i feel invisible. i feel tired of waiting, tired of bullshit, tired of working, tired of my life. trying to find some motivation for getting up tomorrow morning feels impossible. it's going to be raining all day long again for the next two days. the summer is over

there's nothing worse than waking up all excited thinking you are going to be with someone and going to have a great time, only to have them cancel on you. and my paranoia won't allow me to believe anything about his excuse, i just feel like i did something wrong again.

unstuck

i'm reading this book about writer's block right now called 'unstuck.' i'm too lazy to go and look for the author's name. it's ok but it really annoys me in writing books when the author starts getting into these long, detailed narratives about their formative years. like anyone really cares about that. it's not going to help anyone get to writing better and more often. it's just boring filler. there's no way that reading about an author's college admissions essay is going to help me overcome the blocks to my own writing. that's the only real reason i'm reading. if i wanted to know about the author's life, i'd just go buy their biography. it takes so long to get to the point that the book ends up putting me to sleep.

i bought the book after starting this chapter in it called 'thinking small' or something like that. i tend to not do that and think i have to have some huge, life changing event happening in order to make my life worth writing about. even though i know there are thousands of little things out there that can be interesting if explored through creatively writing and focusing on them. that's my issue. i feel like my life has nothing spectacular in it worth writing about, and a good writing book points out all those topics that could easily be overlooked or that you might not ever consider. this book is too concerned with getting into all the reasons why you might be having writer's block, and not much about how to get past it. though i'm still in the beginning so who knows, maybe it gets better.

i worked another 9 hour day today. i noticed that at work there seems to be some gender discrimination going on. the only other female in our analyst group (my assistant who isn't an analyst yet) and i are the ones who sit next to the rest of the reps who basically do nothing all day but chat with eachother, so we suffer to get our work done in a noisy environment, meanwhile, all the other (male) analysts sit on our other side and back towards the wall where it's nice and quiet. this week is usually the busiest and craziest because it's towards the end of the month, yet the director feels its a good time to give MY assistant an additional report on top of all the others she has to do for me, and despite the fact that she is not in the office every thursday because she has jury duty. so i'm noticing that while her and i are coming in early and staying late every day just trying to keep up with our work, some of the male analysts are standing around talking, going out for long cigarette breaks, and even sending cropped photos that are supposed to be humorous to the whole department.

there is this one analyst who enjoys cropping in our fellow employees into movie poster pictures and stuff. it's really stupid. and i'm thinking, this is how much time he has on his hands? i asked the director and my supervisor if there was any way that another rep could help out my assistant so that she wouldn't have to do an additional long report when she's already so busy, and has to help me. and they said they wanted the analyst group to handle it because we have a lower margin of error than the data entry reps and i'm like what the hell? are we THE ONLY TWO analysts in the analyst group? or did you forget those 3 or 4 guys in the back who have nothing to do but goof off while we are busting our asses trying to meet our deadlines??? it's so frustrating!! i of course emailed my supervisor and mentioned this interesting disparity between my assistant getting extra work when no one else in the analyst group seems all that busy and we are obviously overloaded and could use some help, and he ignores it. real nice.

can't wait to watch project runway tonight, i need to get out of my head for a while.

big girls don't cry

i went to see the show 'jersey boys' with people from my job. they have several theater night outings in which employees can pay one price for dinner and a show. it's usually a really good deal provided that the restaurant they choose and the show is good. and it was really cute. i enjoyed it a lot. it was a funny story of how the band got together, Frankie Valley and the four seasons. the show had a lot of energy to and it was really fun to watch. especially when they got into the whirwind success of their first 3 number one singles, which if i remember correctly were 'sherry,' 'big girls don't cry' and damn, i forgot the third. i think it was 'walk like a man.' i didn't realize how many great songs are all from the same group- 'oh what a night,' 'working my way back to you' and that song that goes, ' i love you baby, and if it's quite all right i need you baby..' and so on. it was a really cute show and i felt like i wanted more when it was over. they really play up the 60s nostalgia and the jersey accents. it was a lot funnier than i expected it to be. and that guy that played Frankie Valli had an unreal voice. it was astounding. i love the great white way.

anyway, here's the song i have been currently obsessed with this past week. i love the lyrics. bif naked sings it perfectly, espeically the bridge. it's brilliant:

You Are The Master

I am tied up in the burning sun.
Baby, you are my only shade.
You're the bowl of water beyond my reach.
I can only move the distance of this chain.
I chew anything you will give me.
Eat anything, even my own words.
Scramble for any morsel you throw,
you scatter hope like scraps of food.

I guess you are the master.
I am the dog.
I am the dog.
Waiting for you to love me.

I am jumping on you for affection.
I would love to lick your face.
You scold me, you push me off.
I'm your loyal bitch, a man's best friend.
I lie here and lick my wounds,
from my little bed of wishes.
I run to you in my dreams.
I pine for you in my life.

I guess you are the master.
I am the dog.
I am the dog.
Waiting for you to love me.

(bridge)
I have no sense of time at all.
Twenty minutes or twenty years,
it's all the same.
I am your muse, you are my muse,
broken hearts.
Baby please show me some mercy,
don't put me down.

I guess you are the master.
I am the dog.
I am the dog.
Waiting for you to love me.


-Bif Naked

the pink party

yesterday was my sister's 30th birthday party. it was on her actual birthday too, the 12th. she wanted all women to wear pink, and it was a whole pink theme, pink dinnerware, pink party favor candles, even pink m&ms and jelly beans. i don't know how she found the time for all that. but she loves elaborately planned everything. in my rush to get to the party on time i forgot to bring her birthday card, i had left it at my mom's house. so i felt bad about that. but at least she already has her gift. it was nice seeing my nephew and getting to hold him whenever i could. everyone kept tying to hold him at the same time and he was so tired by the end of the night. no one would let him sleep. i had the worst headache all day from running around and travelling. i guess in certain instances it really helps to have a car. and it's even worse in the winter when i have to go see my family and take a bus (or walk to the path train) and two trains and then another bus. it really sucks to rush around and then have to wait, all while carrying a heavy overnight bag. being with my family a long time makes me realize that although i love them, i really need my space and freedom and independance as well, and i feel better when i'm at my own apartment surrounded by the things that express me and my own life. i feel most comfortable here and most like myself.

a lot of times it seems like i associate my family with obligation. and that doesnt feel nice. i feel like i don't have enough room and space to just be me because i spend so much time trying to please them and always be there when they want me to. when my cousins sometimes skip family parties and gatherings and stuff. i never do. and sometimes i feel like i should be more selfish and not feel the need to be there for every little thing. it takes its toll. the more time i spend around all of them, the less time i have to reflect on my own life and where it's going. and where i'd like it to go.

i feel like family stuff can be like having to get through a long list of tasks, of things to do, and then when that's done i can finally breathe. when my sister was in her 20s and dating and having fun, she didn't have to worry about putting time and money into bridal and baby showers and bachelorette parties, she was just free to choose her career (not take a job out of necessity) and date and have fun without having to feel obligated to anything. i want those carefree years in my life too, and it's not fair that i don't really get to fully enjoy them without having to cut plans short to run to my next family event. i want to still feel like my dreams are possible, once i focus enough to figure out what they really are and what i really want. i don't want to settle for my current circumstances just because my life is so full of other things, other obligations and stress and pressure. i want to feel free to decide, to do anything, to live my life without intrusions. but i'm finding that that's increasingly hard to do.

like for example the baptism thing, i went to mass today and afterwards to the rectory of the church where my sister was married. i went to elementary school also at that school/parish. the priest was not there but the deacon was, and he told me he couldn't sign my sponsor form to be a godmother, he said the priest would have to sign it, and he's only there during the week until about 5. i'm hoping this doesnt require me to take yet another trip to staten island and that maybe my sister can go for me and bring the form that i signed and get it done herself. she's not back at work yet so it would be a lot more convenient for her than for me. i used up so much of my vacation time for her bridal shower planning that i still have not been able to accrue 2 weeks time, and i really hope i don't have to use more of it just for this, especially if i'm not even sure if he'll sign the papers because i'm not officially registered with the parish, and don't attend mass there each week. it's so frustrating.

i got the 'purge' CD in the mail and am looking forward to listening to it tomorrow at work. for now this is the song (by Hole) that i'm obsessed with and listening to repeatedly. it doesnt really make any sense, i just love it:

I Think That I Would Die

I'm stupid
I'm smarting
I'm stupid
I'm smarting

I want my baby
Where is the baby?
I want my baby
Who took my baby?

Rose white, rose red
Rose up in my head
Rose white, rose red

Yeah yeah
I want some
Yeah yeah
There is none

I want my baby
Where is the baby?
I want my baby
There is a baby

There is no milk! (4 x's)

Rose white, rose red
Rose up in my head
Rose white, rose red

She lost all her innocence
Gave it to an abscess
She lost all her innocence
She said, "I am not a feminist"

It's not yours - fuck you!

There is no milk! (5 x's)

just listen to the music of the traffic in the city

had a nice relaxing day today, called out of work and caught up on some sleep. i finally cashed in my bag of pennies that i've been collecting and saving for a while at one of those coinstar things. it turned out to be a little over $7 which i converted into a gift certificate for amazon.com. i wanted to trade it in for a starbucks certificate like they advertise in the commercial, but that wasn't one of the options at the machine i went to. i didn't have anything in mind to buy until i remembered that i still hadn't bought the CD 'purge' by bif naked and i definitely want it. and i couldn't find it cheaper on ebay. so with the $7 and change subtracted it came out to like $12.47 because of the shipping and everything. well hey, any day that brings a new bif naked CD on it's way to me is a good day.

i slept late but i still feel tired. my sister recently asked if i could be the godmother for my nephew. in order for her to choose a date for the baptism though, she needs a signed sponsor statement from my parish priest which grants me permission to become a godparent. this parish seems really strict because i sent an email to the priest requesting this form and the rectory hours so i could stop by and register. he wrote back saying i would need to be attending worship services for at least a month before he'd sign any papers allowing me to register with the parish. and apparently my sister needs this form urgently, so i'm not sure what to do. i guess i will have to tell her what the priest said. i didn't have much trouble getting a sponsor statement a few years ago from another parish when my cousin asked me to be his confirmation sponsor, so i guess all parishes are different. i'm surpised that my sister is already planning this, i thought babies had to be at least a year or a few more months old to be baptised.

i really need to get around to reading my great uncle's novel, titled 'el limbo' which i received in the mail a while ago from my father's cousin in colombia. the thing is that he made copies of all the pages in the book, so it's a bit cumbersome to carry around with me. i think i'd have to read it only while i'm at home because it wont fit in my purse. with the book, my father's cousin also sent a CD rom which contains the soft copy of novel. although i am currently reading another book called 'he & she, 60 significant differences between men and women' by Cris Evatt which is pretty facinating. i picked that one up a few days ago for $1 at the strand annex. i love a bargain.

**by the way, i got a chance to go see this independant movie this weekend called 'little miss sunshine.' if it's playing nearby, go see it!! i don't remember the last time i laughed so hard at a movie. it was hilarious

just let it flow, let it go

i decided to post this because my neighbors are making a major commotion right now, at 12:34 am so i figure i won't be getting to bed until about 2am when they usually decide it's time to stop. i'm tired of complaining, i complain and complain and nothing happens. i think i really just have to move and that's it. so now the joyful task of finding an apartment, ugh. not looking forward to that.

the big mystery was finally revealed on project runway tonight of why a designer was sent home. i thought it was going to be something super serious and grave by the tone of the preview commercials, like maybe one of the designers would be caught sleeping with one of the judges, or would be found to be in possession of drugs in their atlas apartment or something. but shock of all shocks, a designer, keith, had a pattern making how-to book with him in his apartment. and all fashion how-to books are off limits to the designers while they are participating in the competition. what a bore. i thought it was going to be something way more exciting than that. but i'm glad keith is off the show, i couldn't stand to listen to his nasally droning voice in the interview segments. and he was so full of himself and unpleasant to watch.

i have to say that laura is my idol. she's the designer/architect with the bright red hair and red lipstick who's in her forties but is always so stylishly dressed and glamorous. that's how i want to be in my forties. she's sophisticated and striking and really beautiful in this offbeat way. and she carries herself with such confidence. it seems like she keeps designing the same kind of jacket over and over, but her own personal style is really cool and really different from what you would expect from someone her age. i don't envy her having 5 children, but i am impressed by her ability to look so impeccable despite having 5 children. her total opposite is probably angela, the one all the other designers hate. she's 33 or something and dresses like she's 15, and always has her hair all frizzy and out of control.

the designers this season i think are way more talented and creative than the ones last season so it's really fun to watch. this show is the only reason i haven't cancelled my cable yet.