overhwlemed

i've taken a couple of days off from work. to clear my head. to give myself a breather. and it's been ok, except for the fact that i can't truly relax. i'm too worried and scared. i was pretty ok with my life before my family started putting the pressure on. but i also knew i didn't want to stay at my current job for the rest of my life. even the idea of 'the rest of my life' seems overwhelmingly scary to me. and i get to this point where my mind stops because it's so crammed full. and i forget who i am and what i like and the things i tell myself in order to get through the day, like i'll wear a favorite outfit tomorrow that i will feel good in, or i can't wait to watch a certain show tonight, or read a new book or throw out some old clutter. i get anxious to the point of paralysis. like today i found myself wondering, do i really need a career counselor? or do i need to go to a psychiatrist or a therapist to work on my fear of speaking and presentation? because doesn't every well paying job in the world require speaking well and good presentation? and won't my family be expecting me not to settle for anything less than something well-paying, even if it's not exactly what i want to do? will they care if i am miserable because i can't find a job to suit my personality? is there even a job out there that will?

i felt too overhwlemed by my worries to even search for career counselors online. i started to but then i wondered how much they would charge me, and if they would really be able to help me at all, and how could i even pick one without knowing if they are good or knowing anything about them? i once had a recommendation for one from an old boss of mine, but i've lost her contact information, giving up on seeing her after we played phone tag for a few weeks, never able to get in touch with each other. i feel like it's too hard. and its all too much. i thought i should call my mother tonight, but i cried at the thought of that because i knew i'd be doing it out of guilt and not because i really felt like talking to her. i have pms so it's best to avoid any and all human contact right now. i barely made it back home from the grocery store today. i was burdened by my thoughts and hardly able to hold myself up and act like a normal person. how do you go through life without any really good sense of who you are?

how much of life is genuinely confusing, and how much am i really just complicating it by refusing to grow up and face my fears? i feel like i don't even know where or how to begin or who to go to for help. times of change are difficult for me. this current job was good for a few years, i learned a lot, i got to move out on my own, meet new people, but now i feel i have to change again and evolve, and now is not a time to coast along. i have to find my ambition before i totally lose it, before i run out of time, i just feel like i need more guidance. i feel unsure of everything, and it affects my whole life. my friends probably think i don't want to see them, but it's just that i feel out of place in my body, and i'm not the same person i was when i met them. when i met them i was ok with my work, i thought i'd be ok there for a few years and my life could go on as it was and nobody would be getting on my case about it. but now it just seems hard to live daily life. its harder to talk to people, to make eye contact, to present myself well, to feel good in my skin. it's hard to explain. i feel unsure of every step i take, and overtaken by the question of why i'm alive and what am i here to accomplish? daily life feels more like a chore because i'm facing all these difficuly choices. do i stay in my apartment? do i try to change careers? what if it doesn't work? i sent out like 6 or 7 resumes a couple of weeks ago and haven't heard from anyone. maybe i'm not qualified for the jobs i think i want. or i've told myself i should want.

i feel like i'm drowning sometimes in all this indecision. i don't want my career to define me. i want a job that doesnt leave me super stressed out all the time. i just want that career thing settled so i can go back to focusing on my inner life and becoming happier. i loved those times as a temp when i wasn't really important to the company but i had my steady job there, and i was free to leave work and read writing books and listen to music and watch concert videos and journal about my dreams. it was a time when i was free to be really creative and really myself, because my life wasn't defined by work. i didn't have rent to pay or really any responsibilities, but i know those days are over.

still, i want to feel like my life is my own, that i'm in control, that i chose work because it suits who i am without feeling all that guilt. i feel lazy and dumb. i have no right to be tired, my parents have a right to be tired, they've been working 20+ years for my sake. and for what? to have me let them down like this? it's so hard to live with myself because of that. it's hard feeling that i've dissapointed them and it may be too late and i may be too abnormal and strange to turn things around at this point. why did i have to be so timid and dumb as to not try to do an internship at penguin putnam in college instead of at some tiny unknown spirtual organization? why did i always try to take the easy way out? i should've actually thought about it. i don't know what the hell i was thinking in school. i could've had a real career for myself. i had a scholarship that paid for a good part of my tuition. and i let it all go to waste. it's doesn't sit well. i wish i could go back and do it all over, kowing what i know now. it's hard for my to enjoy something like a night out with my friends, or writing, or a movie or a book without feeling like i should be doing something else more productive, like i should be trying to fix my life.

i just don't know what to do :(
i'm trying to keep doing those little things that make me happy. and take things one day at a time.