bad night

ok. this is one of those nights when i feel really bad. i hate feeling like this. but mostly it's because i have no idea what to do with my life. i was an english major in school, all the time i was there i thought i'd become a book editor. it wasn't until about senior year that i found out about the entry level job of editorial assistant which entails keeping an editor's itinerary, working late hours for shitty pay and working mostly for women (which is more difficult in my opinion), not to mention the high turnover rate for publishing jobs, and overall shitty pay compared to other professions. i read horrible accounts written by people on job sites (like vault.com) about their experiences as editorial assistants, about how one girl had an editor she worked for who would routinely make her cry with all her demands. and i thought how much i really didn't want to put myself in a position like that. so that left me a little lost after graduation.

i was offered a part time job at the place where i interned during college called 'the christophers.' they were a spiritual organization that published newsletters and books and i mostly did some filing and typing there. not much else but it was ok. but i couldn't take that part time job because i needed to find a full time job that paid me better since my sister got engaged that year and i was in need of money for bridal shower planning and dress buying and everything. a while later i tried to get back in touch with the editor at the christophers, but no one that i knew is there anymore since i never got a response from calling or emailing her.

so i took this job as a rep in a health insurance company doing data entry work and this is the company i'm still at today. i've been promoted twice and now work as an operations analyst running the monthly billing processes for Mediciad, Family Health Plus and Aplus lines of business. and i have no idea where to go from here. now none of this would be weighing on me right now if it wasn't for my family. if it wasn't for them, i'd feel free to go at my own pace in trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. but because of them i feel rushed. and i'll tell you why.

my mother wants me to help her buy a house. as in, she wants me to go to my bank and ask for a loan to buy a house so that i could help her and my father get a bigger loan with my salary and credit rating. taking out a huge loan for a huge mortgage is something that scares the shit out of me because i don't understand it. i feel too young to be taking on such a huge responsibility. my mother wants to do this now because she wants to sell her house which is an inheritance from my grandparents who passed away. the earnings from the house are to be split between my mother and her 4 sisters. and my mother wants to give some of the money to my sister for the downpayment on the house she wants to buy, as well as give me some of the money to help me pay off my student loans.

i told my mother that this idea freaks me out because god forbid, should anything happen to my parents then i'm responsible for paying back this loan or selling this house that's under my name. and the idea of that is crazy to me because i wouldn't know the first step to take. i told her i felt too young to be worrying about home ownership right now, especially since i don't even have my own life figured out yet. i can't understand why my sister and her husband (who both make A LOT more money than me) can't get a home loan on their own that's pretty decent. my mother also brought up the point that her and my dad owning a home will prevent them from being eligible to receive govt funded medicaire and those kinds of programs as they get older. if they own a house than they will not qualify.

i told her i understood all this, and i would be willing to do this (buy the house from them) later on. when my life is in order. when i know what career i want. i feel like if i ask for this loan than i am stuck with this job forever. it's not terrible work, but i'm still deciding on whether or not i'm ok with just totally giving up on myself. if i'm not going to bother trying to make another one of my dreams come true. or if i'm ok just stagnating at this job until they decide to get rid of me or until i grow old and retire. it's too much for me to think about right now and i'm stressing out.

i didn't get to do anything this weekend but lie around and think about this. and i hate it. i hate not having any guidance. and my mother asked me the last time i talked to her if i've been looking for another job. i told her i have no idea what to look for! and i may need to just see a career counsellor because i feel like there's no well paying job out there that i am capable of doing. my friend recently got a job as an art director for a media company and he sent me their listing for job openings. i read each one and thought, there's no way in hell i can do that. you need confidence for these jobs, the ability to speak well and present well and i just don't have it.

i don't want to be struggling my whole life and the idea of eventually having to take care of my parents truly terrifies me like nothing else. so this is the real reason people have children. that's what i'm starting to realize more and more. it doesnt matter at all what i want. it doesnt matter that all my life and time and money seem to revolve around my sister's life and whenever she needs something like a bridal or baby shower or wedding, or a house , it ends up screwing me. i need so much time to think about this. and i feel like i'm just running out of it. and there's just nothing left to look forward to for myself.

i just want to take a break. get off the fucking fast track of trying to improve myself and breathe for once. not have anyone pressuring me. something so good happened to me recently and i can barely enjoy it because of this. when will happiness be more regular than obligation? why can't i get the guy i'm seeing to actually consider becoming my actual boyfriend? why is there such a fucking delay on everything that could make me happy? why do i have to have my plans cancelled on a rainy weekend when there's nothing else to do and no where else to go? why does he have to leave me waiting by the phone because he 'might' get back early from going out with his friends? and leave me with no plans as a result? i feel so frustrated and tired.

i want this to pass but i know it won't for a while. tomorrow is monday and another boring day at work, when i won't get so much as a phone call or email or text from him because he's virtually unreachable during the week. no contact at all to at least let me know he's thinking about me. i don't get it. i feel invisible. i feel tired of waiting, tired of bullshit, tired of working, tired of my life. trying to find some motivation for getting up tomorrow morning feels impossible. it's going to be raining all day long again for the next two days. the summer is over

there's nothing worse than waking up all excited thinking you are going to be with someone and going to have a great time, only to have them cancel on you. and my paranoia won't allow me to believe anything about his excuse, i just feel like i did something wrong again.