everything looks creepier in the winter

i took these pictures at the park recently-

young adult

i think i got a glimpse into my future with this movie, in many ways. if i'm not careful, except that i won't be an alcoholic. but i may just refuse to 'grow up' in the conventional sense. it could be good or bad, but it's who i am.

this article is excellent-
http://www.freeonlineblogspot.com/2012/01/is-it-bad-to-identify-with-charlize-therons-character-in-young-adult/

blood for poppies

first single from the new garbage album, it's amazingly great, of course! i didn't expect anything less. i'm already obsessed with it.

download the single free on garbage.com!

oh how i love this band. they bring me to life, seriously.

my favorite new brown leather jacket

i love it so much!!! wore it this past saturday night, it's warm and soft to touch and so pretty!
love it with my orange ring and nails too..

link to purchase here:

http://www.qvc.com/Luxe-Rachel-Zoe-Shawl-Collar-Suede-Jacket-with-Knit-Trim-Search-Results.product.A217293.html?sc=A217293-SRCH&cm_sp=VIEWPOSITION-_-24-_-A217293&catentryImage=http://images-p.qvc.com/is/image/a/93/a217293.001?$uslarge$

now i can do what i want to...forever

i pray for the day i can say that.

i was listening to the pet shop boys while getting ready to go out

yay!!

things i'm grateful for today

1. bubble baths with lavender scented bath foam
2. my boyfriend stopping by my cubicle today unexpectedly to chat
3. inspirational books - i'm currently reading '1,000 journals project' by someguy
4. fiji water
5. anything fleece that keeps me warm in the winter
6. a couple of upcoming days of warmer weather
7. lavender scented candles
8. being able to exercise
9. being able to dream, and remember dreams
10. leaving for work early and coming home early to avoid crowds
11. neighbors who receive packages for you and hold them for you to pick up when you get home
12. free coffee drinks at work, and free filtered cold and hot water
13. the beautiful 'joy mini necklace' by danarebeccadesigns that my boyfriend gave me for valentine's day! see pics..

notice how tiny and delicate it is here, worn by mila kunis

my fan letter to J.K. Rowling

i wrote the letter below in my journal on 2/21/12 at 12:19am.
i'm going to print it out tomorrow at work and send it to J.K. Rowling, maybe she'll never read it, but maybe she will, who knows?

Dear J.K. Rowling,

After having watched a movie about your life on television, I see a lot of myself in you. From a young age, maybe 10 years old, all I have ever wanted to do, been called to do and felt compelled to do was write. It was, and is, the only thing that feels natural to me, that I feel I have a real talent for. I majored in English and earned a B.A., hoping to get into the publishing business and become an editor, but that's because I didn't really believe that it was possible to earn a living solely from writing. I have read all the Harry Potter books and I can tell that you truly and sincerely love to write. You have been blessed with an amazing imagination and a way with words that is just unparalleled, thought you have probably been told this so many times before.

Writing is the only work that really makes me happy. I wish I could write fiction like you, but mostly I enjoy poetry, creative nonfiction, personal essay, and journal writing. Like you, I was always at the top of my class in school, and expected to go really far in life, to excel. But I have been stalled. I have had stressful, unfulfilling jobs since college and the one I have now has even led me to depression and anxiety. I am now back on medication for panic attacks which started some years ago, because of my demanding and condescending, terrible boss who never appreciates how hard I work.

I'm only 32 years old, but I fear getting older and feeling like a failure all my life. I fear feeling like some drifter who doesn't really belong anywhere. I tried to take a leave of absence from work but it did not alleviate the anxiety. Mostly, I feel like I've lost my identity and sense of self because I buried it so deeply below this fake, professional image that I live out every day in my awful job. I would love nothing more than to quit and never see my boss's face again or have to deal with her orders, but I haven't been able to find another job. I've tried looking for other jobs there are none. I wish I could be like you and be free to enjoy life and live it the way it was meant to be lived, as a human being, not a slave. Not as someone who just lives for the weekend and then barely enjoys the weekend because she's worried about dealing with Monday morning.

Your story was so inspiring to me because it shows that writing matters. And even if your books never made any money, you wanted to finish your first book just for yourself, just for the joy it brought you. I know my writing will probably never make me rich or even support me, but I am reminded that writing, even if just for myself, is still important, meaningful and fulfilling. It helps me realize that I do exist and have a voice, and can express myself creatively. That is a real gift. I don't really know how to keep going along in the real world since I want to quit my day job every day, but maybe a miracle will happen for me like it did for you. Maybe suddenly I will be blessed with the realization of what I should do with my life.

I wish you all the continued blessings you could ever hope for, and the gift of words and inspiration for the rest of your days.

Be blessed and keep writing,

Sincerely,
Karen

learning to love yourself

i can't believe the news about whitney houston. growing up, i had her album 'whitney houston' on vinyl and my and my sister's favorite song was the 'greatest love of all.' even back then i was moved by the power and emotion i could feel in her voice. the ending of that song is especially powerful when she says 'find your strength in love'. i also really loved the way she sang the star spangled banner at the super bowl in 1990. it actually gives me chills. it was perfection.

as i grew up my favorite song of hers became 'i'm your baby tonight.' even though i was only 11 when it came out, i just loved her joyful energy in the video and i loved the song too. it was fun to listen to and always made me feel happy. i always thought whitney would live to a very old age and i'd be hearing her music all my life, but she died pretty young and it is a real shame. i hope she finally found the peace she seemed to be seeking.

abc's of advice

The writing prompt i found today while browsing online was: ABCs. Can you give people 26 pieces of advice?

here’s my attempt-

a. accept yourself as you are
b. be bold once in a while
c. cry if you have to
d. demand only the best for yourself
e. ease into new situations
f. forget the past
g. gratitude should be your dominant feeling
h. help others and be kind, it helps you too
i. internalize positivity
j. journey to new places each year
k. keep close family around you for support
l. lose control sometimes, drop the facade
m. mind your business, don't gossip
n. never doubt yourself or your own abilities
o. own up to your mistakes and correct them
p. play, do creative or sporty things that make you happy
q. quiet- practice stillness for a few minutes
r. reach inside yourself for strength, reach out to others when you need to
s. set your sights on future goals and dreams
t. try new things, don’t be set in your ways
u. understand that things are not always about you
v. vent through journaling, talking, painting, singing
w. workout whenever you need to relieve stress or are feeling sluggish
x. don't be xenophobic (look it up)
y. yearn to discover the unknown
z. have zeal for whatever you feel is your passion in life

just a ps:

Always in an effort to always help the homeless and hungry, I realized that the Hoboken homeless shelter has a wish list on amazon.com that you can order stuff from and have it shipped directly to the shelter in NJ.

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/5W0QRB8KEVA6/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go_v

they have paper supplies and toiletries in their categories.
and don't forget to click daily at http://www.thehungersite.com/

new garbage album!!!

i am so excited for this!!
(see the video at the bottom of this blog if you don't know who this band is, and witness the magic of the greatest band/lead singer ever.)

from their youtube channel:

Our first album in 7 years, Not Your Kind of People, will be out everywhere May 15, 2012.
www.garbage.com

writing with some magic in it

a clip from the movie that inspires me to keep writing and search for my own story, or at the very least end up working in publishing someday where i can work on developing and releasing books for the rest of my days...

writing is just fun, it's what i've always loved, it's what i've always done and always will do. and maybe it won't make me rich, but writing itself, getting lost in it, is it's own reward.

in the mood for soothing spanish music

and also this one below, it's such a good song and has a crazy story to it. posted from youtube:
"McLachlan wrote the song after having being stalked by Uwe Vandrei, an obssessed fan from Ottawa for three years. She eventually took out a restraining order against him and wrote Possession shortly thereafter, using his letters as the basis of much of the lyrics. Incredibly Vandrei filed a lawsuit against her claiming "breach of confidence" and laid claim to a share of the songwriting credits. The case never made trial as Vandrei committed suicide in December 1994.

Goodness me."

7 things to be grateful for

1. my new apartment. i moved to the top floor of my building and it's so quiet :) i can actually relax, read, and meditate and watch movies and sleep peacefully, and even finally use my nature noise machine before bed. it's great!

2. the possibility of changing jobs, i have an upcoming interview and i really want this new job.

3. the weather being warm tomorrow! i hate the cold

4. getting in 20 minutes of brisk walking today after work, i got off a stop early on the train.

5.  the vanilla tea my mom brought over this past weekend. just had a cup and it was great.

6. having my own apartment to look forward to coming home too, which is comfortable and warm

7. the privilege of reading a new book in bed, and going to bed early, and writing when the mood strikes, and exercising, and sleeping in on the weekends, and hoping/planning for a great future.

8.(bonus) my great mood (and energy to do my laundry) today after my walk.

whats on my mind

i haven't been writing here much, but i have been writing in my journal, and praying, and meditating a bit but things in my mind don't seem to be calming down and it's hard to make it through a full work week without calling in sick. i wish work wasn't a reality, but it is and i have to deal with it. i have to keep searching until i find the job that's the right fit for me. i wish i could get away from NYC, but going after my dreams of living somewhere else just feels like an impossibility. i don't know why i don't consider it more seriously because i am free and can actually move anywhere that i want. and i can't see myself living in NY or NJ for the rest of my life. it's just not who i am and doesn't please me at all.

i try to take things day by day, but i don't want to be one of those people who are miserable in their jobs and live for the weekends and work where they do just because they don't know what else they should do. people think that if you go to college, it'll all be smooth sailing. and admittedly, i screwed myself when i accepted promotions (after much hesitation) that i knew would become too stressful for me to take on. and it's really hard to go back to a lower level once you've reached a certain salary and years of experience and all that. so i wish i could've stayed in my original position and not moved up. i wouldn't have gotten sick and i would have been able to cope better with life's other pressures while still maintaining a sense of self. i shoulda, coulda, woulda, and all that.

adulthood, while full of lots of freedom, is also full of responsibility and lots of worry...at least in my case.
i wish i could be one of those people who take things in stride. who trust that things will work out in their own way and time. logically, i know i can't control or affect anything by worrying. but i just don't know how to stop!

if only i knew then...

today on my way home i heard two women on the train talking. one was talking about her husband's sister who is in high school and always complains about having to go to school the next day and her homework and stuff like that. and the woman said, "i say to her, trust me when i tell you- this is easy." and she was so right. the other woman replied by saying "yeah, once you start working, it's all over." and i totally understood. it reminded me of when i was 16 and off from school over the summer and sad about stupid stuff like not having a job or many friends to hang out with. i was upset because my life didn't look like 90210. i didn't have an attractive group of friends around me who were silly, funny and fun. and i didn't have a boyfriend.

my grandfather told me on my 16th birthday that i was in the prime of youth. i wish i had really heard him and realized it.

if i could just go back and tell myself to really enjoy that time. to bike ride and write poetry and sleep and meditate and relax and not be sad about anything! i would really do so. if i could only tell myself that summer can hardly be enjoyed once you enter the working world, unless you become a teacher or something. but working in an office? work doesn't stop for the summer. it barely stops for holidays or two week's vacation. it barely gives you a minute to breathe or to think or to plan your dreams, so enjoy it while you can, while you're young, and don't take for granted the opportunity to not have any responsibilities, to not have to take care of and support yourself, because it's an amazing luxury that i miss every single day. if any teenagers are reading this, take note. don't be in such a rush to grow up.

hector and the search for happiness

just finished the book 'hector and the search for happiness' by Francois Lelord. someone left it in the break room at my job and i thought it looked interesting so i picked it up. it's a cute story, a little corny but it has its moments. it's about a psychiatrist who travels to different parts of the world trying to discover what makes people happy. along the way he meets others and jots down notes about happiness into his notebook. here are the notes about happiness from his observations. numbers 10, 13, 14 and 18 mean the most to me

lesson 1. making comparisons can spoil your happiness

lesson 2. happiness often comes when least expected

lesson 3. many people see happiness only in their future

lesson 4. many people think that happiness comes from having more power or more money

lesson 5. sometimes happiness is not knowing the whole story

lesson 6. happiness is a long walk in beautiful, unfamiliar mountains

lesson 7. it's a mistake to think that happiness is the goal

lesson 8. happiness is being with the people you love
lesson 8b. unhappiness is being separated from the people you love

lesson 9. happiness is knowing your family lacks for nothing

lesson 10. happiness is doing a job you love

lesson 11. happiness is having a home and a garden of your own

lesson 12. it's harder to be happy in a country run by bad people

lesson 13. happiness is feeling useful to others

lesson 14. happiness is to be loved for exactly who you are

lesson 15. happiness comes when you feel truly alive

lesson 16. happiness is knowing how to celebrate

lesson 17. happiness is caring about the happiness of those you love

lesson 18. the sun and the sea make everybody happy

song of the day

it was a bad day today,
i pray that things get better but i am grateful for:

1. my boyfriend's love
2. my savings
3. a warm apartment
4. friends who try to help
5. the ability to read
6. the chance to get myself and my confidence back
7. that i'm trying to learn to be gentler with myself, and that life isn't all about pushing myself to be the best in order to please other people

some pics from our little new year's party

spent a nice, long weekend relaxing and enjoying good food and drinks with my honey, and it was a lovely chance to spend some creative time painting in my his studio, i broke in my new watercolor paint set and started painting/collaging in my new art journal while he worked on a new watercolor. and it was so much fun to do that while the rain fell lightly outside and billie holiday songs played in the background, and pandora chose songs for us like this one afterwards. why do weekends ever have to end??

merry christmas eve

back to work

i can't say how much i already miss my freedom to not have to go to work. it would be different if i felt like it was ok to be myself. i get scared when i think that i've forgotten who i am, but in reality, i know who i am. i'm just afraid to be that person for fear of other's disapproval. other people expect me to want marriage and children, but the reality is that i still feel like a child myself. and i start to wonder, am i weird to not aggressively pursue those things? is my life meaningless if i don't? i know my boyfriend and family love me, but i just wish i could be who i am without my family constantly questioning me.

i start to wonder if i'm silly for wanting to stay home alone and make collages, play with paint, play with words and write poetry and journal entries. i still don't feel a certain level of maturity in my head i guess. i want simplicity more than anything. i want to live in a warm climate where i don't have to be sequestered n my apartment for months at a time feeling depressed. its amazing what the spring/summer does to my mood. i feel lighthearted and free and happy. but winter, with it's early darkness and freezing cold just makes me feel terrible about everything. everything seems more difficult and more unpleasant. and all i want is to make sense of my life again.

i want to know that it's ok to be me, and to do things in my own time when i feel ready.

i want my job situation to be settled. right now i can manage the work but i don't want anything to complicate that. i see other people and they are carefree and calm and i wonder why i get myself so worked up. and over silly things. the winter won't last forever. i am still capable of good/absorbing writing in the future if i allow myself that luxury. i can still move someplace quieter and be able to meditate daily and improve my peace of mind immensely that way. i can still try to find another job that is closer to home and eliminate my stressful commute. i guess sometimes it's hard to really see and realize the possibilities for my life. it doesn't have to be decided on by other people, and be stuck on me like clothes that are too tight to be comfortable. i'm still free to create the life that i want, regardless of what other people may or may not say about it.

random pic i took in a pulic bathroom -midtown NYC

i love good news/stories of kindness

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45603068/ns/today-good_news/

my jewelry inventory

i got rid of a few discolored jewelry pieces tonight. that's what i get for always buying fake and costume pieces i guess. my gold hoop earrings were all discolored as well as a few other cheap pieces i've bought here and there. and even though i got rid of some of them i still have 108 pieces of jewelry! this is funny because i could never make it to owning just 100 things all together like a lot of minimalists try to do. a lot of the jewelry i have i received as gifts from family so it's hard to let it go even though i hardly wear any of it. a lot of it is just excess. here is the final breakdown i counted while i was bored:

33 pairs of earrings
13 bracelets
15 rings
3 anklets
35 necklaces
9 pendants (loose)

total- 108!

unbelievable!

practicing being

an interesting video-

inspiring

love this post,

http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/2011/11/mrblue.html

and this one too, silly and sweet

http://colormekatie.blogspot.com/2011/08/say-something-nice.html

songs from my power walk

so haunting..



and i don't believe it..



like night needs morning..

feel good song of the day

now its time for coffee and exercise..

"I feel alone when I realize that no one knows I feel alone..."

i'll be going back to work on december 12, back to the hell of my same old position and boss, and i am not looking forward to it, to put it mildly. to say how i really feel would probably shock some of you, so i will hold back. it almost feels like my life is ending to have to go back to that place that actually made me feel that i was dying, and had my mind convincing me that i would die and destroying my physical health to prove the point. all i can do is try my best but i don't have high hopes. i don't understand how people overcome anxiety. it seems impossible because something so scary just doesn't leave your mind so easily. i worry about it most of the time. and it's a hard and burdensome and struggling way to live.

my parents tell me that my boss will treat me better and differently, because i  have been out on leave for so long, but i really doubt it. she is concerned with herself, how much money she makes, and very little else. she doesn't give a damn if i medicate myself or not and suffer the long term side effects of medications, like your brain losing it's ability to come up with feel good chemicals on it's own. and i'm not willing to let my health and life go to shit just to help her reach her bottom line. it's not worth it. i'd rather go scrub toilets for a living and remain sane. no matter how much i will shame my parents who put me through school. they don't know what the corporate world is like when you have a boss from hell. it makes you feel like you are a breath away from dying every second of every minute of every day. and that's just not what i signed up for when i went to college.

it really baffles me sometimes why people have children. my parents had no way of knowing that in my lifetime i would be subconsciously afraid of working in an office in new york city because it might be struck by terrorists and i might be killed. they had no way of knowing that in my lifetime, the economy would go to shit and half the county would be out of a job, making it nearly impossible for me to work in publishing, which was always my dream industry. they had no idea i would have to suffer through mean and bullying bosses and have to cope with panic attacks and medication stealing a chunk of my life away from me. they had no way of knowing, but it has all happened to me.

and i struggle to remain positive, but some days there is just nothing left, no hope or motivation for the future because everything seems bad and negative. and all i want to do is hide and escape from it, try to keep sane in a world that is unpredictable and scary. i want to ask people for help but who? if people already have jobs, they don't care about trying to help anyone else get one. i can't move back home because i will never have peace and quiet the way i used to since my parents babysit my niece and nephew all the time and they are up a 6am everyday. i can't move in with my boyfriend unless he asks me to. and i'm not even sure that's something i am ready for.

so if i end up working at some menial job or something or become underemployed, i don't know what i'm going to do, i guess take an apartment with a horrible roommate once my savings run out and i can't afford to live on my own anymore. i realize i'm catastrophizing here, but venting is one of the few things that help. i don't want any more therapy or medication, i just want a new job, any job that i can do. any job in the world that i am capable of doing, so i can continue to enjoy my independence and freedom. nothing really feels hopeful to me about my career and work life and that is really distressing, seeing as work is the place where we spend the majority of our time, and lives.

this photo list cracks me up

http://thechive.com/2011/11/28/i-do-what-i-want-34-photos-2/?obref=obinsite

random thoughts

so i went out yesterday to buy my aunts some christmas gifts. i went to this store where i used to shop and started looking around at the clothes. and to my amazement, i didn't want to buy anything. not because my job situation isn't exactly stable at the moment or because nothing looked appealing to me. some of it did, but i realized that almost everything i looked at was something i shouldn't buy because i had similar items at home. like a pale beige, short jacket with a leather type look (i already have one, plus about 9 other jackets)or a black handbag (looked very similar to a green one i already have) so i noticed that i didn't really want to buy anything but a black lacy top that looks like nothing else i already own.

maybe reading about all these people out there who are minimalists and reject consuming just for the sake of having something new is sinking in. i really don't need new clothes, i already have plenty, but the thing is that most people replace their clothes long before they need to because they simply get tired of wearing the same things over and over. and i keep clothes for a long long time if they look good on me. it's kind of crazy actually. i definitely don't shop the way other people do and feel this great need to save a lot of money all the time. i guess it's just in my nature.

i decided that when i go back to work, i'm not going to get back into the habit of buying shopping magazines like lucky and people's style watch, because then i become fixated on some new things that i want, i file away the magazine clippings and either never shop for the items because they cost too much, or i'll save up for something to buy to help me cope with my awful job situation and feel some temporary joy from using my money. all this leads to closets that are already filled to capacity becoming overflowing. it's like watching a tv show when you know you shouldn't because it's not adding anything valuable to your life.

but these are most people's bad habits aren't they? too much shopping, watching bad tv, online shopping or browsing and it gets tiresome. it becomes unsatisfying. what i want is a life that i don't have to escape from with movies and shopping.a life that is of my own design and that feels good and right to me. and i pray that one day i find it. hopefully the weather is still good tomorrow and i can go out and walk, or get a good workout here in my apartment because that always lifts my spirits. that, and writing, and taking a time out from 'working on myself' or 'improving my situation.' i seem to be incapable of taking things day by day. but i am still trying.

admiring some art at simon gallery

artist is Choichun Leung

one of the best songs ever

funny scene

100 random things about me

1. i like the smell of swimming pools - chlorine
2. i've had braces
3. i used to watch 'the little mermaid' over and over again
4. i can play 'mary had a little lamb' on the piano
5. i've had a few lucid dreams
6. i played the angel Gabriel in a school play in second grade, i still remember the lines i had to sing
7. i've read all the harry potter books
8. i used to write scary stories when i was little
9. my guardian angel is Socorro, my mom gave me her name as my middle name, when she prayed to her to save me from my horrible asthma when i was a baby
10. i played basketball in the 3rd grade
11. i quit a hostess job at a restaurant after 1 day of work
12. i never wanted to have kids
13. when i was little, i resembled the little girl robot on the show 'small wonder'
14. i hate the winter season
15. i am afraid of flying
16. i like meditation
17. my favorite song right now is 'the human spirit' by dolores o'riordan
18. my favorite movie right now is 'bad teacher'
19. my favorite hobby has been writing since i was 10 years old
20. i believe in the law of attraction.
21. i've always wanted to visit and see spain and tokyo
22. i've always wanted to go on a cross country drive across the US
23. my hair is naturally curly
24. i like taking bubble baths
25. my favorite colors are green, yellow and orange
26. my favorite singer is shirley manson
27. i love reading and usually read more than one book at the same time
28. i love the idea of people finding usable stuff in the trash and reselling it for profit
29. i got promoted twice in an industry that i didn't study to work in
30. all my student loans are paid off
31. i respond best when spoken to kindly
32. i used to work part-time at photo labs in college
33. i don't trust many people
34. i am a homebody- i prefer being home relaxing to being out at a party
35. my favorite book is 'aura' by carlos fuentes
36. my favorite shakespeare play is 'a midsummer night's dream'
37. i hate working in new york city
38. i like peace and quiet more than anything else
39. i've never owned a car or a pet while living on my own
40. the best thing i've read all day is http://tv.yahoo.com/news/haters-launch-petition-kardashians-off-television-201057045.html?nc
41. one of my favorite poets is edna st. vincent millay
42. my favorite tv shows are daria, without a trace, and unforgettable
43. i'm a night person, i hate mornings
44. i have always wanted to eliminate homelessness
45. i always try to minimize and eliminate clutter
46. i have a good memory for things people say
47. i've kept most of the journals from my life, including ones from when i was a little girl
48. my mom chose my first name 'karen' after reading it in a newspaper. she thought about calling me "anais" which would've been awesome
49. i got chicken pox and viral pneumonia when i was 14
50. i have a great uncle who was a published author
51. i've kept this online blog on and off for a few years
52. i don't keep in touch with anyone from high school or college
53. i love to lose myself in music
54. i gave up drinking soda and diet soda
55. my favorite cereal is life- cinnamon flavor
56. my favorite blogs are fashiontoast.com (fashion) and joesnyc.com (photography)
57. i don't enjoy horror movies
58. my favorite things to buy are dresses and purses
59. i like writing and meditating in a group of people doing the same
60. i love flavored coffee- hazelnut and coconut
61. i like movies about writers (like girl, interrupted)
62. as long as i can be true to myself, i can be happy
63. i enjoy watching rock bands perform live
64. i have never tried smoking
65. i love scented candles
66. i love clearing out old things to make room for the new
67. i never met my paternal grandfather
68. i was the valedictorian of my 8th grade class
69. i worked at the campus chapel in college
70. i like hugs
71. i only get manicures on special occasions (like weddings and vacations) and it's always a french manicure
72. i've been told that i resemble christina ricci, liv tyler, shirley manson and mary-louise parker
73. i find inspiration in paintings, photography and music
74. i don't like using credit cards or being in debt
75. i hate talking on the phone
76. i hate shopping for shoes or formal dresses
77. i learned how to swim at the YMCA
78. i never watch the news
79. i don't eat red meat- i never really liked it
80. my dream job is to be a book editor, or a model, ha!
81. i like butterflies
82. i don't enjoy cleaning or housework
83. i don't enjoy cooking unless it's for someone else
84. i used to think new york city was exciting and fun but now i just find it stressful and exhausting
85. i believe that crystals have power
86. i believe that solitude is good
87. my favorite documentaries are 'bill cunningham new york' and 'i love trash'
88. i become mean and grumpy when my sleep is disturbed
89. some of my guilty pleasure (comfort) movies are jawbreaker, devil in the flesh, heathers, mission impossible II, the holiday, bad teacher, striking poses, and mean girls
90. i have not driven a car in many years, but i have my driver's license
91. i think commuting is one of the worst things about going to work (besides the horrible boss)
92. i used to paint with watercolors and play with tape recorders when i was little
93.  i was always the last one out of bed when on vacation with my family
94. i still have the same phone number from my very first cell phone
95. my baby ID bracelets in gold still fit me
96. i once wrote a whole song in my sleep
97. i don't enjoy being told what to do
98. i constantly worry about the future
99. i like to always be responsible, i'm not much of a risk taker
100. i never make new year's resolutions. new year's is my least favorite holiday

the pain in the morning rain

songs of the day, an ode to the 90s, when i was serene, carefree, really young and happy about that







and one more, not from the 90s but still lovely and calming..

song of the day

each new day is a new opportunity to start over, live the life you always wanted and dreamed of, and create a new reality. each day is a fresh blank canvas just waiting for you to paint your ideal day upon it. there is always a choice. life is full of possibilities and there's no reason to stay stuck in a rut, to stay stuck in the same type of job or surroundings. you can choose to change, to edit, to enhance. to minimize the things that don't resonate with your spirit. you are free to evolve, to grow, to learn. it is never too late. the only time we are sure that we have is right now. make the most of it!

my girl crush and current favorite songs

a girl crush, just to be clear is defined as "feelings of admiration and adoration which a girl has for another girl, without wanting to shag said girl. a nonsexual attraction, usually based on veneration at some level." i am in awe of this person's beauty, mostly because it's an extraordinary and haunting beauty. and i always desire to be extraordinary. that is probably the main ultimate desire of my life. to not fade into obscurity, but to be physically special and even exceptional.

she is allison harvard, a model and current contestant on america's next top model. she is haunting, inspirational, and beautiful and i wish i could be like her - utterly cool, effortlessly stylish, unique and striking.

she is featured in this youtube video, pictures play to the soundtrack of my current favorite song: "Human Spirit" by Dolores O'Riordan, and "Memorize the City" by The Organ.



her own video below. the director said her face is like a work of art. what woman wouldn't want that comment made about them?!



and another favorite song of mine below, just for it's uplifting quality- it makes me feel happy :)

the healing and resorative power of music never fails to amaze me..

quote from deeshan.com

Monday 31 October 2011


If one does not think about right and wrong,
then the mind is naturally at ease.
If one has no thought of peace of mind,
that is true peace.

-Chuang Tzu

------------------------------------------------
why is it so hard for us to love ourselves sometimes? why is it so much easier to berate ourselves and put ourselves down? it doesn't make sense and it isn't right. i am striving to be gentler with myself, be ok with the fact that i don't have all the answers, because no one does, and live each day one day at a time. i want to be inspired and happy, not stressed out and miserable. i want to slow my mind and have patience with myself and others, and i hope that one day i can get there, to a place where i stop constantly pushing myself over and over and just allow myself to breathe and be.

'i'd rather get shot in the face'

that's the funniest line in the movie 'bad teacher' which is said by cameron diaz in response to another teacher asking if she'd like to go with her to watch a teacher rock band called 'period five' perform later at night. the whole movie was kind of stupid but also pretty entertaining. no one in reality is as shallow and superficial as the main character, at least i would hope not. but it was funny in an escapist sort of way.

also, speaking as someone whose sister is a teacher, cameron's character would never have been able to complete all the schooling required for teaching credentials with the attitude she has about the whole job. it's actually really complicated to become a teacher and then to get top pay you need to earn a masters, and then 30 credits above a masters. it's kind of insane, but i guess worth it if you get the summers off and still get paid. there's no other job where you can get that.

i've been debating about whether or not to go to bartending school. this is something i have been wanting to do for years but never seemed to just get up the nerve to do it. now i have the time to complete the course in a week and the cash to fund it but i still hesitate. my fear of failure is pretty strong. and i'm a perfectionist, so if i don't learn something and do it perfectly then i feel like a failure. i'm still on leave of absence from my old admin job and honestly, i think i'd rather get shot in the face then go back to work for my old boss, but the current job market (at least for admin jobs) is not the best, i mean unless i want to work part time or temporarily for no benefits. and i just don't think that will work.

i'm seeing a doctor for my anxiety issues and she has me doing exposures which entail getting on a crowded train and fighting the urge to have a panic attack. the crowded train experience is way different when you are not working and getting up every day around noon, but it still makes me nervous and i don't see how i'm going to be able to conquer this problem by the time i have to return to work, but i keep trying. it makes me feel like i've really gone insane to get on a train just to turn around and go back home. but that's what 8 years of corporate work life has done to me.

i feel good tonight though. my doctor asks why i'm just looking for office work and not looking for work say as a barista, or an IT job working from home, or working in a pet store. as if working as a barista or in a pet store would earn me enough money to pay my rent and bills. and i have no experience in IT so i have no clue where she was coming from with that. so i guess i will keep applying to publishing houses (my dream job) and to other thankless administrative assistant jobs, where i could end up with a boss who's even worse than my old one. all i can do is make the best of the bad situation and hope that whatever i risk trying, it will work out for the best and not cause me to stress out even more.

feeling good

is a wonder what lots of sleep, relaxation, a week of meditation, writing and exercise can do for your state of mind. tonight was the first time in a long time that i felt like myself again, like i could enjoy music and beauty/fashion and confidence and feel hope. have that feeling that i have a lot to look forward to and have choices to make my life what i want it to be. i need to stop ignoring myself and embrace myself. it's the only way to stay sane, and stay out of my own way.

i need to go out and do things and try things, otherwise i will always be frustrated and wondering 'what if?' the days of fearing failure must end, because what if i try something and it leads to great success?

all i need now is my banking card back (my account was hacked into a few days ago) and i'll be free to download good songs like this

beyond my comfort zone

went to a free yoga class tonight, the second one. the first one i went to was last tuesday and i thought it really helped to relax me and calm my mind because all the focus is on stretching and feeling the body, and breathing through the movements. i enjoyed it and even got to meet someone there who works in publishing, so we started emailing each other and we decided to go out to eat after tonight's class so i could ask her about her publishing job. i got a lot of good information and am going to still strive to make the leap into publishing. it's what i have to do if i am ever going to realize my dream of becoming an editor and editing books for a living.

on our walk from the yoga class to the restaurant we were going to, my yoga friend ran into one of her friends. he was nice and as he said goodbye he told us to enjoy the rest of our stroll and look at the moon. it was a full moon behind a mist of clouds. during this little exchange i couldn't help but think of what a relief it was to be out among people again after having not gone to work for a couple of weeks and holing up in my apartment. it was really hard to get myself out to go try the yoga class, but it was worth it in the end. even today, i had a bad headache and was lying down but then i realized i had to get up and get ready to leave because the meeting with this lady tonight who works in publishing could lead me later to the job that i have always wanted.

most jobs are found through contacts and frends, and since i don't have many friends to ask, i have to try to meet new people and make contacts that way. it is better than staying home and watching as my resume disappears into the abyss of the internet as i apply for jobs that a million other people are also seeing and applying for at the same time. during all this time off i definitely haven't been writing enough, and i miss it a lot. so i must start to do more of that. but i am meditating. i have been meditating every day since saturday and i intend to keep it up as a daily habit because it helps my peace of mind immensely.

the bookstore offering the free yoga class that i attended will also be offering a meditation class in november, so i'm looking forward to trying that out as well. meditating with a group of people is a lot easier than meditating alone, at least for me.

he who seeks beauty...

A few days ago I watched the documentary 'Bill Cunningham New York,' about the 80 year old fashion photographer for the New York Times. This man simply goes out and rides around the streets of New York on his bicycle, taking pictures of people. He captures the fashion trends as they happen in real time, and he was the predecessor for all of today's street fashion blogs.

He still shoots on 35 mm film as well, instead of digital. No reason to fix something that hasn't been broken since the 60s! I loved this movie. I mean I LOVED it. Bill Cunningham is a humble, charming, sweet and beautiful man. He lives minimally (in a studio apartment filled with filing cabinets instead of furniture), is very observant and highly intelligent, and simply knows how to live his life in a way that brings him joy and fun. He is a pure artist.

This movie is so inspiring and entertaining, it really captivates you. It made me want to go out and do something creative with myself and devote myself to self expression. It is that powerful. Bill is like a breath of fresh air to all who know him. A one of a kind spirit, he is the type of person who doesn't apologize for who he is and is not afraid to stand out. This movie isn't just about fashion or photography or even art, but it's about living a life of meaning, whatever that means for you

And the point is clearly made that riches and monetary success aren't the only factors that can contribute to happiness. Being open to life, and discovery, and beauty on the other hand, are the things can contribute to one's happiness. No matter who you are, where you come from or how old you are. It's simply a matter of curiosity, hard work, and faith.

So I highly, highly recommend this documentary as something that you must see as soon as you can. Take my word for it. It will make you smile, warm your heart, but also really make you think about life, and what's really important.

This song was used along the ending credits- haunting and beautiful.

random post

i wrote this a while ago at work and just found it

•10 great daydreams are...
1.performing in a broadway show like chicago
2.writing a best selling book
3.sailing around the world
4.visitng spain
5.winning the lottery
6.making a living as a freelance writer
7.working in publishing
8.escaping to a spa for a week
9.going on a free shopping spree
10.writing and performing a hit song
11. (bonus) going on a road trip across america

trying for calm

i've been out of the office for two weeks now and wonder if my boss has pulled her hair out yet from stress. i doubt it. more than likely she has adjusted, and my working for her or not is not the life or death situation she made it out to be, drowning me with impossible deadlines and forcing me to work at the speed of light. who knows? maybe she was trying to drive me out by driving me crazy so she could hire someone better. but if that were the case, i don't think she would've made it so hard for me to transfer to another department.

i'm slowly trying to regain myself without stressing out about whether or not my disability application will be approved or if i will find another job and avoid moving back home with my parents. nothing against my parents, i love them, but i feel too old to have to live with them and like a loser if i find that i can no longer support myself. if only there was a way to get the feeling you get from taking medication without actually having to take it and suffer the side effects. there are ways, you can exercise and meditate (provided you have a quiet place which i do not) but these things take time, effort and motivation. i use writing when i can't exercise, though exercise also helps me feel good and better about myself.

i want to feel hopeful. maybe i've been forced to pause so that i can reconsider and rediscover my dreams, and try to figure out if they are really mine or if they are just dreams that i thought i should strive for according to other people's opinions. i find it very hard to assert myself, my individuality, because i'm a huge people pleaser, and i want to make my parents proud of me. i want to be happy, but the only way to get there is to try different things, different goals and career paths because the ones i have been in so far have not done it for me.

so i'm trying to rediscover all the things about myself that were previously overshadowed by my work anxiety which was all-consuming. i think i am getting there, slowly but surely. i need a new plan for my life. one that feels more authentic and actually fits me better. i don't know how to get there but i know it's ok to ask for help, and i shouldn't be too proud or ashamed to do so. no one's life is perfect and without issues, and i have to be ok with the fact that i can stumble and still pick myself up and keep going. if i run out of money, it's not the end of the world, i can get myself out of the dilemma. i can think of other possibilities, i can try to learn from other people, meet new people and expand my ideas about how to live in this world successfully.

there are no guarantees in life. but i don't want to get to the end of my life knowing that i failed at something because i never even gave myself the chance to try. life is meant to be lived and appreciated, and i shouldn't be going through it acting as if i'm half asleep. i need to wake up and learn from the world, and from myself, and find the place where i truly belong.

a new beginning

i decided to try to take a short term disability from my job. actually, my mind and body decided for me. i know logically that i can't go to work for the same boss, who causes me heart palpitations, stress, anxiety, shallow breathing and dizziness, not to mention worry in the evenings about having the ability to do all the work she is going to lay on me the very next day. communicating with her is impossible. she blocks me from trying to move to other departments in the company, she has no sympathy and seemingly, no soul. and i just can't handle it anymore.

i know that life is too short to be doing a job i hate every single day. it's eroding my life away and i have to give myself the chance to find something better. to find a job where i can work at a more sane pace and have some peace of mind that i can still making a living without running myself into the ground, or having panic attacks on my morning train ride to work. it's just not worth it and my mental health matters more to me. i feel burned out and exhausted. this is the first time in my life where all i really feel like doing is sleeping, recovering, shutting out the outside world, ignoring my responsibilities for a while, and simply take care of myself. if i don't do it, no one else will.

i want to remember what it feels like to be human, to rediscover my personality, and stop feeling like a robot who exists only to take orders- while my spirit just suffocates. that is not success,  no matter what my salary is. and it is definitely not happiness.

i don't want to wake up in the morning with my heart racing anymore, i'm done.

a repost- Sept 11, 2001, questions and thoughts

I wrote this on 5/9/02 in response to a series of prompts i found online relating to September 11, 2001. they were meant to preserve the memory of the day for future generations.

1. Where were you and what were you doing when you first heard the news of the attack on America, Sept 11, 2001? i was on an express bus just coming out of the Battery Tunnel, when the entire bus was in a little commotion and everyone began to go to the right side to look up out of the windows. we were a few blocks from the towers and we could see thick black smoke consuming the top of one of the towers. everyone was confused, but i just thought it was a fire, nothing to be alarmed about, they would just put it out and that would be it. i was on the bus because i was on my way to a temp agency to act as a stand-by temp who comes in the morning for last minute assignments.

2. What were your first thoughts and feelings upon hearing the news? What were the first things you commented on? the bus turned on to the expressway by the water and everyone had learned from listening to headphones/radio that a second plane had hit, and we had just learned about the first- which everyone assumed had just been an accident. there was a woman on the bus with a radio and everyone watched her and waited for news to clear up their confusion. she said that a second plane had hit the second tower, and it was now confirmed that was a deliberate act. everyone stared out the left side windows now, horrified, trying to use their cell phones and assure loved ones that they were all right. i would get peeks at the World Trade Center between the buildings as the bus moved along swiftly, each time it was a more horrific sight.

i remember first seeing what looked like paper- millions of papers flying through the air, shooting out from a burning hole in one of the towers. you could see the force of the wind, or the suction or something in the shining sunlight, it looked as if the top of the tower was spewing papers right at the expressway and river on our right. i looked at the water and it was littered with what looked like white paper, but which we later learned was pieces of shrapnel from the actual buildings.

by this time the top of both towers were in flames. i was sitting next to a young blonde girl who was trying to reach her boyfriend on his cell phone because he worked as a janitor at the World Trade Center. luckily though, his shift began around 4:00 that day, so he hadn't been there or arrived. she kept saying 'oh shit' as she dialed, telling me that all their friends work in the towers as well.

i tried to call my mother but the cell phone did not work. when i looked back out at the towers, i got a full clear view and gasped, covering my mouth with my free hand as my eyes grew large trying to capture and grasp what i saw. trying to understand and process. the entire length of both towers was covered with black smoke, like two glowing matchsticks, and i could only think.. 'i thought they were going to stop it- put the fires out, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??' patches of dark black smoke covered almost every recognizable silver piece of the towers and i could see small red flames shooting out to the sky from some of the center windows and upper windows of one tower. i turned back to face the front of the bus and thought to myself, 'my God, there are people burning in there right now. how are they going to get out?'

my mom called my cell phone and finally it went through and she asked me where i was, i told her i was on the bus and i would try to get to her job. she works in midtown. the bus driver was confused about being told to divert through brooklyn and leave all the passengers there (which worried me and my mom) but then he got different instructions to continue on his route but only up until the stop after mine, which was 42nd street. i told my mom he was going to stop at 34th st and that i'd be there soon. the bus driver also spoke on a cell phone, asking the person on the other end if his son was all right.

by this time, everyone was weary, panicky, and one woman started to cry. i remember hearing another console her saying, 'don't cry.' everyone was very confused and i just wanted to see my mother and tell her what i had seen. as i entered her building, they told me to go downstairs where she was and i went and saw her and hugged her hard. i was afraid and just glad to see she was ok. i told her what i had seen- both towers completely enveloped in smoke, from way down by the ground. i couldn't believe it-it was unlike anything i'd ever seen.

my mother had a portable radio and she heard as the spanish DJs described what was happening. we went out to the sidewalk and looked up at the tops of the towers and they were still aflame, there were crowds of people standing around and just staring up, or trying to use their cell phones. oddly though, there were other people just strolling by casually as if nothing was out of the ordinary. there was an electronics store near us that turned the news on their TVs and a small group of people, including us, crowded in front of it, everyone just looked on in shock. one man, with cell phone in hand, told the people standing close to him that he was supposed to be at the towers that morning for a breakfast meeting, but he'd been running late. he spoke somberly as if he didn't believe his own words. everyone felt the same confusion.

on the TV screen we all watched in the store, they showed footage of the pentagon in washington DC, which has also been hit by a plane and now appeared to lie in ruins. they also announced that a number of planes were still circling the air, their targets unknown. a shot of the New York skyline appeared then on the screen, but you couldn't see any of the buildings. the entire city was hidden by thick, black, billowing smoke. it was just smoke on the island of Manhattan, smoke on top of water, and below that unbelievable scene flashed these words "NYC ON FULL TERRORIST ALERT." the words flashed again and again, like an emergency signal, and the last place i wanted to be, was where i was standing- midtown Manhattan.

i walked around the block to try to call my sister and tell her we were all right. but there was a short line to use the pay phones because all cell phones had gone dead. as i waited behind a girl using the pay phone i heard her say, 'the building just fell. i saw it,' and i was shocked, there was no way it could be real, there was no way a tower had collapsed. at that moment i saw my mom leave her building again and walk around the corner where she could see the towers. i tried to call my sister, but i didn't get through, they told me she was teaching. when i crossed back to join my mother where we could see the towers- she turned around and looked at me with tears gathering in her voice as she said "the towers fell, there must be people dead"- she had heard it on the radio as the DJ said in spanish "The World Trade Center towers no longer exist." seeing her tell me, my stomach felt as if it had fallen out from under me. i looked up at where we had just seen the towers on fire, but now there was only pale smoke and blue sky.

at some point before, i went to one of the upper floors in my mother's building to try to use a phone and felt myself having a minor panic attack in the elevator. it was just unexpected and so strange. i felt very closed in all of a sudden, and like i could barely breathe. when we finally got back down to the lobby, people were fleeing the building in waves and for a moment i thought they were all dead, that we were all dead, like souls just waiting to be released by another imminent blast, i felt it coming in my bones. we were so close to the Empire State Building.

my mother and i were stuck in manhattan until around 7pm, sitting on benches in a small park, flinching at the sounds of planes flying overhead, trying to call and call until we could get through to our family and friends. the trains and ferries started to run again and the tunnels repoened. my father came to pick us up. i was 22 years old at the time.

the not long enough long weekend

for the past three fridays i have avoided work. the first friday, my boss let me leave early because she was attending a work event and would need me to hang around to work if i had nothing to do. the friday after that i took the day off because my boss was out of the office that week and i had no work to do. this past friday i was feeling way too anxious thursday night about all the work i'd been getting lately and was too worried about having to work closely with my boss again the next day.

i try to keep tolerating her, but it's been 4 long years and i think i'm done. it may sound like she is nice, letting me go home early that one friday, but the way she is makes me very anxious and i am a bit scared of her. the tone of her voice on the phone and even seeing her come in to work in the morning destroys my mood and stresses me out. i was better able to handle it when i was on anxiety medication, but now that i'm not i find it gets to be more and more difficult.

i tried my best to relax this weekend, had a nice friday night and saturday with my bf, and then watched a bunch of movies yesterday and clutter cleared some of my clothes. i tried to sleep in today but the people in the apartment above me have been making loud noise and banging around since 8am this morning, and then they started running a vaccuum so sleep was out of the question. i tried reading too but that's hard when it's noisy and disruptive. i hate living below other people. last night was fun because it was quiet and i got to watch some of my favorite dvd's, like blondie- behind the music, some random live blondie show from german tv in the 70s, and 'a perfect murder'. i was going to watch one more movie but then decided to read a  little bit and got sleepy. life is great when you don't have to get up early and work the next day.

this weekend i got to watch the movies 'limitless' and 'you and me and everyone we know.' both movies were good. the movie limitless really gets you thinking, how hard it is to go after your dreams and motivate yourself, and how easy it would be to take a little pill everyday that would clear your mind of distractions and give you a jolt of energy and motivation to really start living your life on purpose. it says a lot about our modern society and how we all want the magic fix, a pill to keep us from doing all the hard work in order to achieve success and well being. finding time to exercise, sleep enough and meditate and set your goals (your actual goals, not the ones that other people expect of you) is really hard work. it's hard finding a balance between your priorities and your daily responsibilities to keep yourself clothed and fed.

'you and me and everyone we know' was a simple story, trying a little too hard to be quirky, but was entertaining anyway. it kind of highlights how all people are a little lost and no one really knows the point of life or why they are here alive right now. i like films that examine those questions, or at least shed light on how people must actually feel beneath their socially acceptable masks.

last night i remembered the scene in the 'the haunting' i think it was (terrible movie) where catherine zeta-jones and a couple of other people are brought to a house to supposedly have their sleeping patterns and insomnia examined, but the house ends up being haunted. catherine's character says:

"You know what, the rest of you may hate your insomnia but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine. That's when I get all my best ideas... I'm alone, occasionally... with no distractions. My mind is racing with creative ideas and come 3 am I feel like a genius."

there is a lot of truth to that statement. i wonder what i could write if a had a clear mind and no distractions in the middle of the night, every night, for the rest of my life. living in a quiet house somewhere, with no traffic noise, no neighbor noise, no  boss, nothing but my books, my journals and my pens. what a dream it would be.

writing prompts

being bored at work today, i started working on some 'lists of 10' prompts i found online:

10 things that I value about life are...


1. Sleep
2. Family
3. Nature
4. Writing
5. Being in love
6. Being minimalist
7. Freedom of choice
8. Trying new things-meeting people/eating something new/a new place/new music
9. Meditation
10. Free time
--------------------------------------------
 
10 good books that I have read are...


1. Aura (by carlos fuentes)
2. The Bell Jar
3. The Davinci Code
4. Angels and Demons
5. Clear your clutter with Feng Shui
6. the joy of less
7. Eat, Pray, Love
8. The way of love
9. Sister Carrie
10. The Radical Minimalist
11. (bonus) Writing down the Bones

----------------------
And one list of 50:

50 things I love to do


1. Write poetry
2. Read books
3. Listen to others
4. Relax
5. Sleep
6. Meditate
7. Take a hot bath
8. Watch movies
9. Read online articles
10. Visit thrift stores and flea markets
11. Look at babies
12. Redefine myself
13. Shop for clothes
14. Shop for jewelry
15. Spend time alone
16. Ride my bike
17. Listen to music
18. Discover new music
19. Drink wine
20. Write in my journal
21. Declutter
22. Play lottery scratch off games
23. Clear digital clutter
24. Write email
25. Watch ‘storage wars’
26. Reading about dumpster diving and trash art
27. Watch old daria and charmed episodes
28. Watch futurama
29. Eat chicken fried rice
30. Eat my mom’s cooking
31. Discover new authors
32. Go for a walk
33. People watch
34. Drink coffee
35. Chocolate!
36. Look at pictures
37. Work on personal projects
38. Sleep in
39. Break my routine
40. Travel to new places
41. Eat light
42. Proofread documents
43. Random acts of kindness
44. Turn in early- go to bed
45. Experience quiet
46. Exercise (when I finally get motivated to start)
47. Read fashion blogs
48. Read fashion magazines
49. Get hand me downs
50. Use unwanted gifts in creative ways

pics from a recent family party

me (love my asian print sheer jacket thing)!

me and my sis hugging

various cousins and me and my sis

sis with my beautiful neice, love the headband and polka dots! 

i miss nina yau

castles in the air (the blog) hasn't been updated since july 30! where is nina?

anyway, aside from obsessively checking castles in the air for an update, i've been adjusting to a new work role. i'm still an administrative assistant but my boss was promoted and so now i have different work to do, thankfully! i was thankful also that she decided to take me with her, even though she can get on my nerves. i'm trying to be professional and look over personality conflicts. she is giving me some writing and bit of editing work so so far it has been a nice challenge, and kind of fun. it's definitely better than the boring old admin stuff i used to do, like order business cards and count applications for medicare. i notice that 4 years in one type of job seems to be my limit and then i get ancy. my brain gets bored and needs something new to stimulate it.

i feel tired tonight and instead of resting, i went out for a walk in the park. i feel the summer slipping by and want to grasp and enjoy as much of it as i can. the walk was especially nice when i had a chance to see the sun setting, low and a bright orange/red, peeking out beneath a cloud, while on the other side of the sky hung the moon at the same time. that's always awesome to see.

bf gave me a coupon for a discounted starbucks drink which i drank around 4pm and that wasn't smart. since during my walk i started to feel anxious and strange. though it could've also been the idea of having to be out for the next two nights in a row, which i always dread. i will be seeing 'the detroit cobras' play tomorrow night and i'm looking forward to that. it should be a good show. then on friday it's my sister's 35th birthday. i was going to go out with her on sunday but then she forgot about some plans she had and pushed our city brunch day back a bit. so i felt bad not going out to eat with her and my parents on friday night. even though i have to take two trains to get there after work. it will be worth it though to see my sister and my little niece and nephew.

i should be sleeping, but i have to blow dry my hair and only got to shower after watching two new episodes of storage wars. i really like that show but i wish they would only have one new episode on a week, so that it doesn't take up a full hour of my night. i guess this is what dvr's are for. but i just can't seem to spend extra money on something so unnecessary as that. especially since i don't watch a ton of shows or anything. this month, there are supposed to be new episodes starting up for the rachel zoe project, which i really can't wait for, i just hope the whole season doesn't end up becoming about her new baby or something, and sticks with the fashion and dressing celebrities and glamorous events and parties.

so i've gotten up to the 4th harry potter book in the series, 'harry potter and the goblet of fire.' after every book i've read, i rented and watched the movie which has been fun. i didn't think i'd get into it but jk rowling creates this whole fascinating world that you just fall into and get lost in and it's so much fun, so entertaining. i should be getting the dvd of 'harry potter and the prisoner of askaban' soon since i just finished that book. i'm so behind the times, these books came out so long ago, but better late than never. after i'm done, i'll give the first 5 books in the series (which i got for free thanks to my bf!) to my nephew, i know he will enjoy them when he's old enough to start reading novels. and then the last two i guess i will get from the library.

time for bed. harry potter can wait til the weekend. the goblet of fire book is huge, and i know if i start on it now i will be up until 3am reading. can't do that tonight!

lost in the music

been into listening to a couple of old enrique iglesias songs lately. i never realized how much i liked some of those songs and they make commuting easier, i just close my eyes and imagine i'm on some tropical island somewhere have a cool drink and relaxing in the summer breeze. my favorite song of his is still 'tired of being sorry' and that video is great too (i posted it a few posts back on 6/12). that song has 38 plays on my ipod! i am so addicted to it. but these two below are new additions and good too.

i was in a really good mood today (maybe because i finally worked out last night for the first time in a long while) and every song i listened to just sounded great and made me happier. i hope the summer lasts this year a little longer than last. i remember it got cold pretty fast right in september last year. i just wish winter wouldn't happen at all.

couple of good quotes

“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.” — Rita Mae Brown


“Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?” — Friedrich Nietzsche

living with expectations

went to my cousin's wedding on friday which led of course to everyone, led by my mother asking, 'so who's next?' and pointing out that i'm not engaged or married yet. ugh once again. i really really hate that, feeling that there are expectations and that my life is being planned out for me without anyone even really asking me or caring about what i want. my mom was going on and on in the car on the way to the wedding about the year i'm going to get married, as if she knew, and where i was going to honeymoon. as if this was anything i was thinking about. she told me this awful story about how my cousin's fiance basically sat him down and said she didn't want to waste time or have kids when she's too old so he had better get serious about their future. maybe that works for some guys but to me it just sounded awful and demanding.

i kept stressing to my mom that i would rather things happen naturally, but she didn't seem to be listening. that's really what i believe though. after my cousin's fiance told her that, i would only imagine that he wondered if she truly loved him or was simply concerned with a big white wedding celebration and a ring. i think that's taking things a bit too far and can only lead to resentment in the long run. i feel like if someone wants to marry me then great, it will happen when the time is right. and if it doesn't, well then i'm not going to shoot myself in the head or anything. i can function independently just fine. getting married is not the ultimate goal in my life. my mom told me that my boyfriend will propose when i least expect it, as if she were trying to console me. i guess it's hard for people to understand that not every woman in her 30s is desperate to be married or she'll feel completely worthless.

why can't anyone get that it's my life and only i should be concerned with it? and if i'm happy that people should just back off? my mom keeps telling people that i'll be getting married in 2015 and honeymooning in cartagena colombia. that's a nice vision but it has nothing to do with me personally, and just because i'm her daughter it doesn't mean that my life can be dictated by her or anyone else. i wouldn't mind if it was just said once but it's said repeatedly. as if i'm going to give in to the idea without even considering my own heart and mind first. i mean i still struggle with trust issues, with divorce rates, and with the idea that anyone will ever even love me enough to want to be with me forever. its not something that i have ever aimed for or even thought possible. so why would i jump headfirst into making that my goal all of a sudden?

maybe i need to find myself a bit more first. maybe marriage is not in the cards for me. no one can predict the future. my sister asked if i thought i was wasting my time with my bf if it turns out we don't get married or break up one day or he never proposes. i thought that was crazy. if i thought i was wasting my time i wouldn't be with him. i'm lucky enough to have found love and i'm grateful for that. i have never been in a rush for anything more because i never even thought that would ever happen. and so i'm just enjoying the moment.

i mean the world could end next year and i don't think i should spend it single and lonely just because the person i'm with hasn't proposed yet. that is just insane to me and i don't get how people can think that way. i guess getting married and having kids is just that important to some people. my main goal has always just been to have a simple life, with as little stress as possible and as much happiness and peace as possible. i'm still trying to get a foothold in my career for goodness sake, and that's stressful enough without having to freak out about all other aspects of my life. i believe in letting things happen in their own time. none of us has a crystal ball. all we can do is live and experience and grow, and cultivate patience. oh and the big one- drop all expectations- of life, of people, of jobs, of your family, all expectations and allow others to simply be who they are.

someone who did the best she could with the talent she had

i love this, and i love that she still writes.

babe, it must be art

so it reached something like 104 degrees in central park today, crazy! it was seriously hard to breathe outside. thank god for air conditioned offices. i haven't been writing here as much because i've been writing more in my paper journal. i came up with an idea for a play which i am so excited about, now i just hope i can pull off writing it. i haven't had the easiest time in the past coming up with fictional characters, but i'm willing to give it another try. i just love writing, and want to write something besides journal entries and poetry. something meaningful and poignant that will get people thinking.

i want to pour my heart and soul into a writing project and see it through to the end. i saw this move the other night on lifetime about the life of jk rowling called 'magic beyond words.' her story is SO inspiring and really got me thinking about what motivates me and makes me happy, and it's writing. always has been and always will be. i remember writing stupid scary stories when i was like 10, and writing my first poems and being mad whenever anyone else tried to help me with them. i wanted to do them myself.

my favorite assignment in the 6th grade was writing a poem about the winter. and i have kept journals for as long as i can remember, i still have the ones from when i was like 7 or 8, those are so funny to read. i also remember writing a short vampire love story when i was in high school about a vampire named troy and the human he loved named cynthia. maybe i could've been the one to write the twilight series, dammit!

jk rowling is the first (and only!) author to become a billionaire - ever! her and madonna are like the two richest women living in england.

anyway, i have to get to work on the play now, write up some character profiles.

this is one of the best songs ever recorded. i forgot about it completely until it started to play in the airport restaurant while i was having lunch with my bf before our flight to puerto rico.
i love the song. just listen and you'll see why.