'i'd rather get shot in the face'

that's the funniest line in the movie 'bad teacher' which is said by cameron diaz in response to another teacher asking if she'd like to go with her to watch a teacher rock band called 'period five' perform later at night. the whole movie was kind of stupid but also pretty entertaining. no one in reality is as shallow and superficial as the main character, at least i would hope not. but it was funny in an escapist sort of way.

also, speaking as someone whose sister is a teacher, cameron's character would never have been able to complete all the schooling required for teaching credentials with the attitude she has about the whole job. it's actually really complicated to become a teacher and then to get top pay you need to earn a masters, and then 30 credits above a masters. it's kind of insane, but i guess worth it if you get the summers off and still get paid. there's no other job where you can get that.

i've been debating about whether or not to go to bartending school. this is something i have been wanting to do for years but never seemed to just get up the nerve to do it. now i have the time to complete the course in a week and the cash to fund it but i still hesitate. my fear of failure is pretty strong. and i'm a perfectionist, so if i don't learn something and do it perfectly then i feel like a failure. i'm still on leave of absence from my old admin job and honestly, i think i'd rather get shot in the face then go back to work for my old boss, but the current job market (at least for admin jobs) is not the best, i mean unless i want to work part time or temporarily for no benefits. and i just don't think that will work.

i'm seeing a doctor for my anxiety issues and she has me doing exposures which entail getting on a crowded train and fighting the urge to have a panic attack. the crowded train experience is way different when you are not working and getting up every day around noon, but it still makes me nervous and i don't see how i'm going to be able to conquer this problem by the time i have to return to work, but i keep trying. it makes me feel like i've really gone insane to get on a train just to turn around and go back home. but that's what 8 years of corporate work life has done to me.

i feel good tonight though. my doctor asks why i'm just looking for office work and not looking for work say as a barista, or an IT job working from home, or working in a pet store. as if working as a barista or in a pet store would earn me enough money to pay my rent and bills. and i have no experience in IT so i have no clue where she was coming from with that. so i guess i will keep applying to publishing houses (my dream job) and to other thankless administrative assistant jobs, where i could end up with a boss who's even worse than my old one. all i can do is make the best of the bad situation and hope that whatever i risk trying, it will work out for the best and not cause me to stress out even more.