trying for calm

i've been out of the office for two weeks now and wonder if my boss has pulled her hair out yet from stress. i doubt it. more than likely she has adjusted, and my working for her or not is not the life or death situation she made it out to be, drowning me with impossible deadlines and forcing me to work at the speed of light. who knows? maybe she was trying to drive me out by driving me crazy so she could hire someone better. but if that were the case, i don't think she would've made it so hard for me to transfer to another department.

i'm slowly trying to regain myself without stressing out about whether or not my disability application will be approved or if i will find another job and avoid moving back home with my parents. nothing against my parents, i love them, but i feel too old to have to live with them and like a loser if i find that i can no longer support myself. if only there was a way to get the feeling you get from taking medication without actually having to take it and suffer the side effects. there are ways, you can exercise and meditate (provided you have a quiet place which i do not) but these things take time, effort and motivation. i use writing when i can't exercise, though exercise also helps me feel good and better about myself.

i want to feel hopeful. maybe i've been forced to pause so that i can reconsider and rediscover my dreams, and try to figure out if they are really mine or if they are just dreams that i thought i should strive for according to other people's opinions. i find it very hard to assert myself, my individuality, because i'm a huge people pleaser, and i want to make my parents proud of me. i want to be happy, but the only way to get there is to try different things, different goals and career paths because the ones i have been in so far have not done it for me.

so i'm trying to rediscover all the things about myself that were previously overshadowed by my work anxiety which was all-consuming. i think i am getting there, slowly but surely. i need a new plan for my life. one that feels more authentic and actually fits me better. i don't know how to get there but i know it's ok to ask for help, and i shouldn't be too proud or ashamed to do so. no one's life is perfect and without issues, and i have to be ok with the fact that i can stumble and still pick myself up and keep going. if i run out of money, it's not the end of the world, i can get myself out of the dilemma. i can think of other possibilities, i can try to learn from other people, meet new people and expand my ideas about how to live in this world successfully.

there are no guarantees in life. but i don't want to get to the end of my life knowing that i failed at something because i never even gave myself the chance to try. life is meant to be lived and appreciated, and i shouldn't be going through it acting as if i'm half asleep. i need to wake up and learn from the world, and from myself, and find the place where i truly belong.