whats on my mind

i haven't been writing here much, but i have been writing in my journal, and praying, and meditating a bit but things in my mind don't seem to be calming down and it's hard to make it through a full work week without calling in sick. i wish work wasn't a reality, but it is and i have to deal with it. i have to keep searching until i find the job that's the right fit for me. i wish i could get away from NYC, but going after my dreams of living somewhere else just feels like an impossibility. i don't know why i don't consider it more seriously because i am free and can actually move anywhere that i want. and i can't see myself living in NY or NJ for the rest of my life. it's just not who i am and doesn't please me at all.

i try to take things day by day, but i don't want to be one of those people who are miserable in their jobs and live for the weekends and work where they do just because they don't know what else they should do. people think that if you go to college, it'll all be smooth sailing. and admittedly, i screwed myself when i accepted promotions (after much hesitation) that i knew would become too stressful for me to take on. and it's really hard to go back to a lower level once you've reached a certain salary and years of experience and all that. so i wish i could've stayed in my original position and not moved up. i wouldn't have gotten sick and i would have been able to cope better with life's other pressures while still maintaining a sense of self. i shoulda, coulda, woulda, and all that.

adulthood, while full of lots of freedom, is also full of responsibility and lots of worry...at least in my case.
i wish i could be one of those people who take things in stride. who trust that things will work out in their own way and time. logically, i know i can't control or affect anything by worrying. but i just don't know how to stop!