random thoughts

so i went out yesterday to buy my aunts some christmas gifts. i went to this store where i used to shop and started looking around at the clothes. and to my amazement, i didn't want to buy anything. not because my job situation isn't exactly stable at the moment or because nothing looked appealing to me. some of it did, but i realized that almost everything i looked at was something i shouldn't buy because i had similar items at home. like a pale beige, short jacket with a leather type look (i already have one, plus about 9 other jackets)or a black handbag (looked very similar to a green one i already have) so i noticed that i didn't really want to buy anything but a black lacy top that looks like nothing else i already own.

maybe reading about all these people out there who are minimalists and reject consuming just for the sake of having something new is sinking in. i really don't need new clothes, i already have plenty, but the thing is that most people replace their clothes long before they need to because they simply get tired of wearing the same things over and over. and i keep clothes for a long long time if they look good on me. it's kind of crazy actually. i definitely don't shop the way other people do and feel this great need to save a lot of money all the time. i guess it's just in my nature.

i decided that when i go back to work, i'm not going to get back into the habit of buying shopping magazines like lucky and people's style watch, because then i become fixated on some new things that i want, i file away the magazine clippings and either never shop for the items because they cost too much, or i'll save up for something to buy to help me cope with my awful job situation and feel some temporary joy from using my money. all this leads to closets that are already filled to capacity becoming overflowing. it's like watching a tv show when you know you shouldn't because it's not adding anything valuable to your life.

but these are most people's bad habits aren't they? too much shopping, watching bad tv, online shopping or browsing and it gets tiresome. it becomes unsatisfying. what i want is a life that i don't have to escape from with movies and shopping.a life that is of my own design and that feels good and right to me. and i pray that one day i find it. hopefully the weather is still good tomorrow and i can go out and walk, or get a good workout here in my apartment because that always lifts my spirits. that, and writing, and taking a time out from 'working on myself' or 'improving my situation.' i seem to be incapable of taking things day by day. but i am still trying.