back to work

i can't say how much i already miss my freedom to not have to go to work. it would be different if i felt like it was ok to be myself. i get scared when i think that i've forgotten who i am, but in reality, i know who i am. i'm just afraid to be that person for fear of other's disapproval. other people expect me to want marriage and children, but the reality is that i still feel like a child myself. and i start to wonder, am i weird to not aggressively pursue those things? is my life meaningless if i don't? i know my boyfriend and family love me, but i just wish i could be who i am without my family constantly questioning me.

i start to wonder if i'm silly for wanting to stay home alone and make collages, play with paint, play with words and write poetry and journal entries. i still don't feel a certain level of maturity in my head i guess. i want simplicity more than anything. i want to live in a warm climate where i don't have to be sequestered n my apartment for months at a time feeling depressed. its amazing what the spring/summer does to my mood. i feel lighthearted and free and happy. but winter, with it's early darkness and freezing cold just makes me feel terrible about everything. everything seems more difficult and more unpleasant. and all i want is to make sense of my life again.

i want to know that it's ok to be me, and to do things in my own time when i feel ready.

i want my job situation to be settled. right now i can manage the work but i don't want anything to complicate that. i see other people and they are carefree and calm and i wonder why i get myself so worked up. and over silly things. the winter won't last forever. i am still capable of good/absorbing writing in the future if i allow myself that luxury. i can still move someplace quieter and be able to meditate daily and improve my peace of mind immensely that way. i can still try to find another job that is closer to home and eliminate my stressful commute. i guess sometimes it's hard to really see and realize the possibilities for my life. it doesn't have to be decided on by other people, and be stuck on me like clothes that are too tight to be comfortable. i'm still free to create the life that i want, regardless of what other people may or may not say about it.