a new beginning

i decided to try to take a short term disability from my job. actually, my mind and body decided for me. i know logically that i can't go to work for the same boss, who causes me heart palpitations, stress, anxiety, shallow breathing and dizziness, not to mention worry in the evenings about having the ability to do all the work she is going to lay on me the very next day. communicating with her is impossible. she blocks me from trying to move to other departments in the company, she has no sympathy and seemingly, no soul. and i just can't handle it anymore.

i know that life is too short to be doing a job i hate every single day. it's eroding my life away and i have to give myself the chance to find something better. to find a job where i can work at a more sane pace and have some peace of mind that i can still making a living without running myself into the ground, or having panic attacks on my morning train ride to work. it's just not worth it and my mental health matters more to me. i feel burned out and exhausted. this is the first time in my life where all i really feel like doing is sleeping, recovering, shutting out the outside world, ignoring my responsibilities for a while, and simply take care of myself. if i don't do it, no one else will.

i want to remember what it feels like to be human, to rediscover my personality, and stop feeling like a robot who exists only to take orders- while my spirit just suffocates. that is not success,  no matter what my salary is. and it is definitely not happiness.

i don't want to wake up in the morning with my heart racing anymore, i'm done.