"I feel alone when I realize that no one knows I feel alone..."

i'll be going back to work on december 12, back to the hell of my same old position and boss, and i am not looking forward to it, to put it mildly. to say how i really feel would probably shock some of you, so i will hold back. it almost feels like my life is ending to have to go back to that place that actually made me feel that i was dying, and had my mind convincing me that i would die and destroying my physical health to prove the point. all i can do is try my best but i don't have high hopes. i don't understand how people overcome anxiety. it seems impossible because something so scary just doesn't leave your mind so easily. i worry about it most of the time. and it's a hard and burdensome and struggling way to live.

my parents tell me that my boss will treat me better and differently, because i  have been out on leave for so long, but i really doubt it. she is concerned with herself, how much money she makes, and very little else. she doesn't give a damn if i medicate myself or not and suffer the long term side effects of medications, like your brain losing it's ability to come up with feel good chemicals on it's own. and i'm not willing to let my health and life go to shit just to help her reach her bottom line. it's not worth it. i'd rather go scrub toilets for a living and remain sane. no matter how much i will shame my parents who put me through school. they don't know what the corporate world is like when you have a boss from hell. it makes you feel like you are a breath away from dying every second of every minute of every day. and that's just not what i signed up for when i went to college.

it really baffles me sometimes why people have children. my parents had no way of knowing that in my lifetime i would be subconsciously afraid of working in an office in new york city because it might be struck by terrorists and i might be killed. they had no way of knowing that in my lifetime, the economy would go to shit and half the county would be out of a job, making it nearly impossible for me to work in publishing, which was always my dream industry. they had no idea i would have to suffer through mean and bullying bosses and have to cope with panic attacks and medication stealing a chunk of my life away from me. they had no way of knowing, but it has all happened to me.

and i struggle to remain positive, but some days there is just nothing left, no hope or motivation for the future because everything seems bad and negative. and all i want to do is hide and escape from it, try to keep sane in a world that is unpredictable and scary. i want to ask people for help but who? if people already have jobs, they don't care about trying to help anyone else get one. i can't move back home because i will never have peace and quiet the way i used to since my parents babysit my niece and nephew all the time and they are up a 6am everyday. i can't move in with my boyfriend unless he asks me to. and i'm not even sure that's something i am ready for.

so if i end up working at some menial job or something or become underemployed, i don't know what i'm going to do, i guess take an apartment with a horrible roommate once my savings run out and i can't afford to live on my own anymore. i realize i'm catastrophizing here, but venting is one of the few things that help. i don't want any more therapy or medication, i just want a new job, any job that i can do. any job in the world that i am capable of doing, so i can continue to enjoy my independence and freedom. nothing really feels hopeful to me about my career and work life and that is really distressing, seeing as work is the place where we spend the majority of our time, and lives.