the not long enough long weekend

for the past three fridays i have avoided work. the first friday, my boss let me leave early because she was attending a work event and would need me to hang around to work if i had nothing to do. the friday after that i took the day off because my boss was out of the office that week and i had no work to do. this past friday i was feeling way too anxious thursday night about all the work i'd been getting lately and was too worried about having to work closely with my boss again the next day.

i try to keep tolerating her, but it's been 4 long years and i think i'm done. it may sound like she is nice, letting me go home early that one friday, but the way she is makes me very anxious and i am a bit scared of her. the tone of her voice on the phone and even seeing her come in to work in the morning destroys my mood and stresses me out. i was better able to handle it when i was on anxiety medication, but now that i'm not i find it gets to be more and more difficult.

i tried my best to relax this weekend, had a nice friday night and saturday with my bf, and then watched a bunch of movies yesterday and clutter cleared some of my clothes. i tried to sleep in today but the people in the apartment above me have been making loud noise and banging around since 8am this morning, and then they started running a vaccuum so sleep was out of the question. i tried reading too but that's hard when it's noisy and disruptive. i hate living below other people. last night was fun because it was quiet and i got to watch some of my favorite dvd's, like blondie- behind the music, some random live blondie show from german tv in the 70s, and 'a perfect murder'. i was going to watch one more movie but then decided to read a  little bit and got sleepy. life is great when you don't have to get up early and work the next day.

this weekend i got to watch the movies 'limitless' and 'you and me and everyone we know.' both movies were good. the movie limitless really gets you thinking, how hard it is to go after your dreams and motivate yourself, and how easy it would be to take a little pill everyday that would clear your mind of distractions and give you a jolt of energy and motivation to really start living your life on purpose. it says a lot about our modern society and how we all want the magic fix, a pill to keep us from doing all the hard work in order to achieve success and well being. finding time to exercise, sleep enough and meditate and set your goals (your actual goals, not the ones that other people expect of you) is really hard work. it's hard finding a balance between your priorities and your daily responsibilities to keep yourself clothed and fed.

'you and me and everyone we know' was a simple story, trying a little too hard to be quirky, but was entertaining anyway. it kind of highlights how all people are a little lost and no one really knows the point of life or why they are here alive right now. i like films that examine those questions, or at least shed light on how people must actually feel beneath their socially acceptable masks.

last night i remembered the scene in the 'the haunting' i think it was (terrible movie) where catherine zeta-jones and a couple of other people are brought to a house to supposedly have their sleeping patterns and insomnia examined, but the house ends up being haunted. catherine's character says:

"You know what, the rest of you may hate your insomnia but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine. That's when I get all my best ideas... I'm alone, occasionally... with no distractions. My mind is racing with creative ideas and come 3 am I feel like a genius."

there is a lot of truth to that statement. i wonder what i could write if a had a clear mind and no distractions in the middle of the night, every night, for the rest of my life. living in a quiet house somewhere, with no traffic noise, no neighbor noise, no  boss, nothing but my books, my journals and my pens. what a dream it would be.