song i'm currently obsessed with

it's impossible to listen to this song and be stressed out at the same time. it takes me to another place.

teardrop

(massive attack)

love, love is a verb
love is a doing word
fearless on my breath
gentle impulsion
shakes me makes me lighter
fearless on my breath

teardrop on the fire
fearless on my breath
nine night of matter
black flowers blossom
fearless on my breath
black flowers blossom
fearless on my breath

teardrop on the fire
fearless on my breath

water is my eye
most faithful mirror
fearless on my breath
teardrop on the fire
of a confession
fearless on my breath
most faithful mirror
fearless on my breath

teardrop on the fire
fearless on my breath


stumbling a little
stumbling a little
-----------------------------------------------

going to get your hair done does wonders for lifting a girl's mood.
i should've done it weeks ago..stupid me. i was in desperate need of a trim

gratitude list

even though this is hard for me to do since i'm in such a super shitty mood, i thought i should write a list of the things i'm grateful for to counter my previous negative post. it's always good to try to keep things in perspective.

1. i'm grateful that my neighbors are quieter now at night than they used to be, so i don't actually have to move out

2. i'm grateful that i have a job that keeps me sheltered and fed.

3. i'm gratfeul to live alone and not have anyone around to annoy me when i get in moods like this.

4. i'm grateful that this week will not be as stressful at work as last week was

5. i'm grateful to actually be dating someone, after something like a 5 year dry spell, even if it's not my ideal situation

6. i'm grateful for good friends who listen to me cry and always give me hope.

7. i'm grateful for tv shows like project runway and breaking up with shannen doherty, which keep me entertained

8. i'm grateful for my health

9. i'm grateful for the abilitly to read (i love online horoscopes and blogs) and write

10. i'm grateful to have a choice when it comes to what i want to do with my life.

ok, time to attempt a meditation, before i straighten my hair out only for it to get messed up in the rain tomorrow..

bad night

ok. this is one of those nights when i feel really bad. i hate feeling like this. but mostly it's because i have no idea what to do with my life. i was an english major in school, all the time i was there i thought i'd become a book editor. it wasn't until about senior year that i found out about the entry level job of editorial assistant which entails keeping an editor's itinerary, working late hours for shitty pay and working mostly for women (which is more difficult in my opinion), not to mention the high turnover rate for publishing jobs, and overall shitty pay compared to other professions. i read horrible accounts written by people on job sites (like vault.com) about their experiences as editorial assistants, about how one girl had an editor she worked for who would routinely make her cry with all her demands. and i thought how much i really didn't want to put myself in a position like that. so that left me a little lost after graduation.

i was offered a part time job at the place where i interned during college called 'the christophers.' they were a spiritual organization that published newsletters and books and i mostly did some filing and typing there. not much else but it was ok. but i couldn't take that part time job because i needed to find a full time job that paid me better since my sister got engaged that year and i was in need of money for bridal shower planning and dress buying and everything. a while later i tried to get back in touch with the editor at the christophers, but no one that i knew is there anymore since i never got a response from calling or emailing her.

so i took this job as a rep in a health insurance company doing data entry work and this is the company i'm still at today. i've been promoted twice and now work as an operations analyst running the monthly billing processes for Mediciad, Family Health Plus and Aplus lines of business. and i have no idea where to go from here. now none of this would be weighing on me right now if it wasn't for my family. if it wasn't for them, i'd feel free to go at my own pace in trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. but because of them i feel rushed. and i'll tell you why.

my mother wants me to help her buy a house. as in, she wants me to go to my bank and ask for a loan to buy a house so that i could help her and my father get a bigger loan with my salary and credit rating. taking out a huge loan for a huge mortgage is something that scares the shit out of me because i don't understand it. i feel too young to be taking on such a huge responsibility. my mother wants to do this now because she wants to sell her house which is an inheritance from my grandparents who passed away. the earnings from the house are to be split between my mother and her 4 sisters. and my mother wants to give some of the money to my sister for the downpayment on the house she wants to buy, as well as give me some of the money to help me pay off my student loans.

i told my mother that this idea freaks me out because god forbid, should anything happen to my parents then i'm responsible for paying back this loan or selling this house that's under my name. and the idea of that is crazy to me because i wouldn't know the first step to take. i told her i felt too young to be worrying about home ownership right now, especially since i don't even have my own life figured out yet. i can't understand why my sister and her husband (who both make A LOT more money than me) can't get a home loan on their own that's pretty decent. my mother also brought up the point that her and my dad owning a home will prevent them from being eligible to receive govt funded medicaire and those kinds of programs as they get older. if they own a house than they will not qualify.

i told her i understood all this, and i would be willing to do this (buy the house from them) later on. when my life is in order. when i know what career i want. i feel like if i ask for this loan than i am stuck with this job forever. it's not terrible work, but i'm still deciding on whether or not i'm ok with just totally giving up on myself. if i'm not going to bother trying to make another one of my dreams come true. or if i'm ok just stagnating at this job until they decide to get rid of me or until i grow old and retire. it's too much for me to think about right now and i'm stressing out.

i didn't get to do anything this weekend but lie around and think about this. and i hate it. i hate not having any guidance. and my mother asked me the last time i talked to her if i've been looking for another job. i told her i have no idea what to look for! and i may need to just see a career counsellor because i feel like there's no well paying job out there that i am capable of doing. my friend recently got a job as an art director for a media company and he sent me their listing for job openings. i read each one and thought, there's no way in hell i can do that. you need confidence for these jobs, the ability to speak well and present well and i just don't have it.

i don't want to be struggling my whole life and the idea of eventually having to take care of my parents truly terrifies me like nothing else. so this is the real reason people have children. that's what i'm starting to realize more and more. it doesnt matter at all what i want. it doesnt matter that all my life and time and money seem to revolve around my sister's life and whenever she needs something like a bridal or baby shower or wedding, or a house , it ends up screwing me. i need so much time to think about this. and i feel like i'm just running out of it. and there's just nothing left to look forward to for myself.

i just want to take a break. get off the fucking fast track of trying to improve myself and breathe for once. not have anyone pressuring me. something so good happened to me recently and i can barely enjoy it because of this. when will happiness be more regular than obligation? why can't i get the guy i'm seeing to actually consider becoming my actual boyfriend? why is there such a fucking delay on everything that could make me happy? why do i have to have my plans cancelled on a rainy weekend when there's nothing else to do and no where else to go? why does he have to leave me waiting by the phone because he 'might' get back early from going out with his friends? and leave me with no plans as a result? i feel so frustrated and tired.

i want this to pass but i know it won't for a while. tomorrow is monday and another boring day at work, when i won't get so much as a phone call or email or text from him because he's virtually unreachable during the week. no contact at all to at least let me know he's thinking about me. i don't get it. i feel invisible. i feel tired of waiting, tired of bullshit, tired of working, tired of my life. trying to find some motivation for getting up tomorrow morning feels impossible. it's going to be raining all day long again for the next two days. the summer is over

there's nothing worse than waking up all excited thinking you are going to be with someone and going to have a great time, only to have them cancel on you. and my paranoia won't allow me to believe anything about his excuse, i just feel like i did something wrong again.

unstuck

i'm reading this book about writer's block right now called 'unstuck.' i'm too lazy to go and look for the author's name. it's ok but it really annoys me in writing books when the author starts getting into these long, detailed narratives about their formative years. like anyone really cares about that. it's not going to help anyone get to writing better and more often. it's just boring filler. there's no way that reading about an author's college admissions essay is going to help me overcome the blocks to my own writing. that's the only real reason i'm reading. if i wanted to know about the author's life, i'd just go buy their biography. it takes so long to get to the point that the book ends up putting me to sleep.

i bought the book after starting this chapter in it called 'thinking small' or something like that. i tend to not do that and think i have to have some huge, life changing event happening in order to make my life worth writing about. even though i know there are thousands of little things out there that can be interesting if explored through creatively writing and focusing on them. that's my issue. i feel like my life has nothing spectacular in it worth writing about, and a good writing book points out all those topics that could easily be overlooked or that you might not ever consider. this book is too concerned with getting into all the reasons why you might be having writer's block, and not much about how to get past it. though i'm still in the beginning so who knows, maybe it gets better.

i worked another 9 hour day today. i noticed that at work there seems to be some gender discrimination going on. the only other female in our analyst group (my assistant who isn't an analyst yet) and i are the ones who sit next to the rest of the reps who basically do nothing all day but chat with eachother, so we suffer to get our work done in a noisy environment, meanwhile, all the other (male) analysts sit on our other side and back towards the wall where it's nice and quiet. this week is usually the busiest and craziest because it's towards the end of the month, yet the director feels its a good time to give MY assistant an additional report on top of all the others she has to do for me, and despite the fact that she is not in the office every thursday because she has jury duty. so i'm noticing that while her and i are coming in early and staying late every day just trying to keep up with our work, some of the male analysts are standing around talking, going out for long cigarette breaks, and even sending cropped photos that are supposed to be humorous to the whole department.

there is this one analyst who enjoys cropping in our fellow employees into movie poster pictures and stuff. it's really stupid. and i'm thinking, this is how much time he has on his hands? i asked the director and my supervisor if there was any way that another rep could help out my assistant so that she wouldn't have to do an additional long report when she's already so busy, and has to help me. and they said they wanted the analyst group to handle it because we have a lower margin of error than the data entry reps and i'm like what the hell? are we THE ONLY TWO analysts in the analyst group? or did you forget those 3 or 4 guys in the back who have nothing to do but goof off while we are busting our asses trying to meet our deadlines??? it's so frustrating!! i of course emailed my supervisor and mentioned this interesting disparity between my assistant getting extra work when no one else in the analyst group seems all that busy and we are obviously overloaded and could use some help, and he ignores it. real nice.

can't wait to watch project runway tonight, i need to get out of my head for a while.

big girls don't cry

i went to see the show 'jersey boys' with people from my job. they have several theater night outings in which employees can pay one price for dinner and a show. it's usually a really good deal provided that the restaurant they choose and the show is good. and it was really cute. i enjoyed it a lot. it was a funny story of how the band got together, Frankie Valley and the four seasons. the show had a lot of energy to and it was really fun to watch. especially when they got into the whirwind success of their first 3 number one singles, which if i remember correctly were 'sherry,' 'big girls don't cry' and damn, i forgot the third. i think it was 'walk like a man.' i didn't realize how many great songs are all from the same group- 'oh what a night,' 'working my way back to you' and that song that goes, ' i love you baby, and if it's quite all right i need you baby..' and so on. it was a really cute show and i felt like i wanted more when it was over. they really play up the 60s nostalgia and the jersey accents. it was a lot funnier than i expected it to be. and that guy that played Frankie Valli had an unreal voice. it was astounding. i love the great white way.

anyway, here's the song i have been currently obsessed with this past week. i love the lyrics. bif naked sings it perfectly, espeically the bridge. it's brilliant:

You Are The Master

I am tied up in the burning sun.
Baby, you are my only shade.
You're the bowl of water beyond my reach.
I can only move the distance of this chain.
I chew anything you will give me.
Eat anything, even my own words.
Scramble for any morsel you throw,
you scatter hope like scraps of food.

I guess you are the master.
I am the dog.
I am the dog.
Waiting for you to love me.

I am jumping on you for affection.
I would love to lick your face.
You scold me, you push me off.
I'm your loyal bitch, a man's best friend.
I lie here and lick my wounds,
from my little bed of wishes.
I run to you in my dreams.
I pine for you in my life.

I guess you are the master.
I am the dog.
I am the dog.
Waiting for you to love me.

(bridge)
I have no sense of time at all.
Twenty minutes or twenty years,
it's all the same.
I am your muse, you are my muse,
broken hearts.
Baby please show me some mercy,
don't put me down.

I guess you are the master.
I am the dog.
I am the dog.
Waiting for you to love me.


-Bif Naked

the pink party

yesterday was my sister's 30th birthday party. it was on her actual birthday too, the 12th. she wanted all women to wear pink, and it was a whole pink theme, pink dinnerware, pink party favor candles, even pink m&ms and jelly beans. i don't know how she found the time for all that. but she loves elaborately planned everything. in my rush to get to the party on time i forgot to bring her birthday card, i had left it at my mom's house. so i felt bad about that. but at least she already has her gift. it was nice seeing my nephew and getting to hold him whenever i could. everyone kept tying to hold him at the same time and he was so tired by the end of the night. no one would let him sleep. i had the worst headache all day from running around and travelling. i guess in certain instances it really helps to have a car. and it's even worse in the winter when i have to go see my family and take a bus (or walk to the path train) and two trains and then another bus. it really sucks to rush around and then have to wait, all while carrying a heavy overnight bag. being with my family a long time makes me realize that although i love them, i really need my space and freedom and independance as well, and i feel better when i'm at my own apartment surrounded by the things that express me and my own life. i feel most comfortable here and most like myself.

a lot of times it seems like i associate my family with obligation. and that doesnt feel nice. i feel like i don't have enough room and space to just be me because i spend so much time trying to please them and always be there when they want me to. when my cousins sometimes skip family parties and gatherings and stuff. i never do. and sometimes i feel like i should be more selfish and not feel the need to be there for every little thing. it takes its toll. the more time i spend around all of them, the less time i have to reflect on my own life and where it's going. and where i'd like it to go.

i feel like family stuff can be like having to get through a long list of tasks, of things to do, and then when that's done i can finally breathe. when my sister was in her 20s and dating and having fun, she didn't have to worry about putting time and money into bridal and baby showers and bachelorette parties, she was just free to choose her career (not take a job out of necessity) and date and have fun without having to feel obligated to anything. i want those carefree years in my life too, and it's not fair that i don't really get to fully enjoy them without having to cut plans short to run to my next family event. i want to still feel like my dreams are possible, once i focus enough to figure out what they really are and what i really want. i don't want to settle for my current circumstances just because my life is so full of other things, other obligations and stress and pressure. i want to feel free to decide, to do anything, to live my life without intrusions. but i'm finding that that's increasingly hard to do.

like for example the baptism thing, i went to mass today and afterwards to the rectory of the church where my sister was married. i went to elementary school also at that school/parish. the priest was not there but the deacon was, and he told me he couldn't sign my sponsor form to be a godmother, he said the priest would have to sign it, and he's only there during the week until about 5. i'm hoping this doesnt require me to take yet another trip to staten island and that maybe my sister can go for me and bring the form that i signed and get it done herself. she's not back at work yet so it would be a lot more convenient for her than for me. i used up so much of my vacation time for her bridal shower planning that i still have not been able to accrue 2 weeks time, and i really hope i don't have to use more of it just for this, especially if i'm not even sure if he'll sign the papers because i'm not officially registered with the parish, and don't attend mass there each week. it's so frustrating.

i got the 'purge' CD in the mail and am looking forward to listening to it tomorrow at work. for now this is the song (by Hole) that i'm obsessed with and listening to repeatedly. it doesnt really make any sense, i just love it:

I Think That I Would Die

I'm stupid
I'm smarting
I'm stupid
I'm smarting

I want my baby
Where is the baby?
I want my baby
Who took my baby?

Rose white, rose red
Rose up in my head
Rose white, rose red

Yeah yeah
I want some
Yeah yeah
There is none

I want my baby
Where is the baby?
I want my baby
There is a baby

There is no milk! (4 x's)

Rose white, rose red
Rose up in my head
Rose white, rose red

She lost all her innocence
Gave it to an abscess
She lost all her innocence
She said, "I am not a feminist"

It's not yours - fuck you!

There is no milk! (5 x's)

just listen to the music of the traffic in the city

had a nice relaxing day today, called out of work and caught up on some sleep. i finally cashed in my bag of pennies that i've been collecting and saving for a while at one of those coinstar things. it turned out to be a little over $7 which i converted into a gift certificate for amazon.com. i wanted to trade it in for a starbucks certificate like they advertise in the commercial, but that wasn't one of the options at the machine i went to. i didn't have anything in mind to buy until i remembered that i still hadn't bought the CD 'purge' by bif naked and i definitely want it. and i couldn't find it cheaper on ebay. so with the $7 and change subtracted it came out to like $12.47 because of the shipping and everything. well hey, any day that brings a new bif naked CD on it's way to me is a good day.

i slept late but i still feel tired. my sister recently asked if i could be the godmother for my nephew. in order for her to choose a date for the baptism though, she needs a signed sponsor statement from my parish priest which grants me permission to become a godparent. this parish seems really strict because i sent an email to the priest requesting this form and the rectory hours so i could stop by and register. he wrote back saying i would need to be attending worship services for at least a month before he'd sign any papers allowing me to register with the parish. and apparently my sister needs this form urgently, so i'm not sure what to do. i guess i will have to tell her what the priest said. i didn't have much trouble getting a sponsor statement a few years ago from another parish when my cousin asked me to be his confirmation sponsor, so i guess all parishes are different. i'm surpised that my sister is already planning this, i thought babies had to be at least a year or a few more months old to be baptised.

i really need to get around to reading my great uncle's novel, titled 'el limbo' which i received in the mail a while ago from my father's cousin in colombia. the thing is that he made copies of all the pages in the book, so it's a bit cumbersome to carry around with me. i think i'd have to read it only while i'm at home because it wont fit in my purse. with the book, my father's cousin also sent a CD rom which contains the soft copy of novel. although i am currently reading another book called 'he & she, 60 significant differences between men and women' by Cris Evatt which is pretty facinating. i picked that one up a few days ago for $1 at the strand annex. i love a bargain.

**by the way, i got a chance to go see this independant movie this weekend called 'little miss sunshine.' if it's playing nearby, go see it!! i don't remember the last time i laughed so hard at a movie. it was hilarious

just let it flow, let it go

i decided to post this because my neighbors are making a major commotion right now, at 12:34 am so i figure i won't be getting to bed until about 2am when they usually decide it's time to stop. i'm tired of complaining, i complain and complain and nothing happens. i think i really just have to move and that's it. so now the joyful task of finding an apartment, ugh. not looking forward to that.

the big mystery was finally revealed on project runway tonight of why a designer was sent home. i thought it was going to be something super serious and grave by the tone of the preview commercials, like maybe one of the designers would be caught sleeping with one of the judges, or would be found to be in possession of drugs in their atlas apartment or something. but shock of all shocks, a designer, keith, had a pattern making how-to book with him in his apartment. and all fashion how-to books are off limits to the designers while they are participating in the competition. what a bore. i thought it was going to be something way more exciting than that. but i'm glad keith is off the show, i couldn't stand to listen to his nasally droning voice in the interview segments. and he was so full of himself and unpleasant to watch.

i have to say that laura is my idol. she's the designer/architect with the bright red hair and red lipstick who's in her forties but is always so stylishly dressed and glamorous. that's how i want to be in my forties. she's sophisticated and striking and really beautiful in this offbeat way. and she carries herself with such confidence. it seems like she keeps designing the same kind of jacket over and over, but her own personal style is really cool and really different from what you would expect from someone her age. i don't envy her having 5 children, but i am impressed by her ability to look so impeccable despite having 5 children. her total opposite is probably angela, the one all the other designers hate. she's 33 or something and dresses like she's 15, and always has her hair all frizzy and out of control.

the designers this season i think are way more talented and creative than the ones last season so it's really fun to watch. this show is the only reason i haven't cancelled my cable yet.

translation of a Pablo Neruda sonnet

a friend sent me an email recently asking that i translate this poem by Pablo Neruda and change it enough to make it into my own piece, using my poetry writing style and what i thought the poem was trying to convey. here is my traslation. the original poem (my favorite by Neruda) follows:

I don’t love you as if you were a rose,
a topaz rainstorm in a fiery sky
I love you as you would love something dark
secretly, hidden between shadow and soul
I love you like the unbloomed flower that
withholds its beauty and light from all others
your love hides darkly in my body, the concentrated
fragrance that emits from the earth
I love you without knowing how or when or where
I only know how to love you this way:
directly, without pride, beyond the existence of either
you or i
so close that your hand upon my skin is my own
and sleep cannot consume me without taking you

----------

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal,
topacioo flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
Te amo como la planta
que no florece y llevadentro de sí,
escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro
en mi cuerpoel apretado aroma
que ascendió de la tierra.
Te amo sin saber cómo,
ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,
sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

-Pablo Neruda

"we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

that quote is by Anais Nin. and it kind of sums up my thoughts recently. i have been thinking lately about how far i've come over the past few years from where i used to be, and how much i've changed. the change in my thoughts alone, has been so huge and now i finally feel like someone who has hope. who isn't so frightened of everything all the time, who tries to focus on the positive no matter what. i'm sorry, but feeling good actually feels good. and i've spent way too many years of my life feeling bad, feeling negative, feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in the misery of certain people around me that it felt like suffocating. i wanted to be free of that and i think i have finally achieved it.

sometimes i'm still suprised at how much i've accomplished that i never thought i would be able to accomplish. i never thought i'd be able to move out of my parents home and take care of and support myself, and especially for this long. i've learned some hard lessons about people, about life, about work, and about myself and feel like i've finally come to a sense of who i am. i guess it's true what people say (which i've never truly understood until now), that as you get older, the better you feel because you understand things a little more. you have some perspective and maturity, and you've suffered through a lot of things that you can now realize all were happening for a reason. to teach you something important, to get you to a certain place in your own mind. it suddenly all seems to make perfect sense.

i used to feel so lost, so depressed and hopeless. never in a million years would i imagine that i would have a good group of friends in my life who are incredibly supportive, be at a friendly level with coworkers who used to terrify me, be able to make eye contact and smile more often even on bad days, and be able to hold my emotions at bay when they threaten to overwhelm me. it's a hard thing to learn how to be professional, and deal with personal matters on your own time. i like feeling better about life, and more open to people, and more accepting of other's differences, and more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst right away. i used to be so impatient and judgemental, but i'm seeing this part of myself change, and it's a relief to me to feel more peaceful in my own heart.

i've always been aware and grateful for all the blessings in my life, and now even more i can see how abundant and beautiful life is, with all the things it holds for me to still discover. there's no feeling like forming a new friendship with someone and getting their take on the world, or doing something different to break your routine, or reading an amazing book, or listening to music you've never heard before and getting a glimpse of the singer's view of the world, or reading a friend's writing and discovering a whole other side of them you never knew, or creating a piece of art or writing that is all your own, or having that experience of someone opening up to you and trusting you.

all those little things can feel like miracles, if you stop to take note of them. the world becomes a very different place when you change your perspective. i still have my bad days and sad days, but i know that there's another way to feel, and i don't get stuck in one state of mind. i know it passes and i can get out of it and feel better again.

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for."

i found that quote on this website the other day: http://www.astrologyandbeyond.com/weekly.cfm?pageName=cancer, and it really struck me. it was said by Sir John Lubbock. it's really worth pondering.

just wanted to mention that i read what is probably the single most inspiring book i have ever gotten my hands on in my life. it's written mostly for women, but i think anyone can benefit from it's message. it has a really dumb title 'god on a harley'(please don't let that fool you)and it's by joan brady. i don't even remember how i came across this book from researching another book online a long time ago, but the reviews always stayed in my head. people claimed this book had changed their lives and that they had bought several copies for friends who had thanked them for doing so. it's a really short book and cheap. i got my copy at barnes and nobles for $6.99. i'm giving it to my couisn tomorrow, because i think she will really benefit from it's message. it's a spiritual book, but not preachy, and doesn't cater to any particular religion, just a sense of a higher power than us. i recommend this book VERY HIGHLY to anyone who needs a bit of inspiration in their lives. it gave me this sense of peace inside me like nothing else ever has.

read the reviews if you need further convincing:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671002783/sr=1-1/qid=1153890525/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7277992-3224851?ie=UTF8&s=books

poem i wrote today at work

being meager and hollow
is torture
if I could I would
turn you around
let you shift
and tremble instead of see inside
your lack of will
your doubt
ambivalence
i’d make the day soft and malleable
for worn fingers to
mold and hold before slipping through
saying goodbye
you warned me and I failed to heed
in that time and place
you knew me and I continued to
hide my face

God's little gifts

this picture was taken on my birthday at my mother's house. my nephew was there and i got to spend a lot of time with him. there were not too many people there to fight over who got to hold him next, so i finally got a chance to feed him and burp him and feel his little breaths as he took a nap with his head on my shoulder. it was sweet. i heard somewhere that it's good luck to hold a baby on your birthday, though i don't know where that superstition originates.

i went to another origami class after work today, taught by my friend, the married guy who seems to want to get too close at times. sometimes we're emailing each other and it's cool and everything and he'll even mention his wife and daughter, but other times it gets a bit sketchy like when he told me he got me a birthday gift and it was too bad that i had missed a previous class or he could've given it to me. and there was that time when i said i might have had to work late and he sent me this Word file to read titled 'fidelity is a personality trait' in case i got bored. i never got around to opening it since i was too busy but i think i may still have the email. i'm going to have to read it just out of curiosity. i keep forgetting.

and today when i was talking about waiting for the right person to come along instead of stressing out over finding a relationship, he comes out of left field with this nonsense about people being attracted to people they don't want to be attracted to and it being a battle between the intellect and feelings. it had nothing at all to do with what i was saying. so at the class today he gave me my birthday gift, a CD by PJ Harvey, 'stories from the city, stories from the sea' which i've read really excellent reviews for. so i'm looking forward to listening to it. he has pretty good taste in mustic. but there's something weird about accepting a gift from a coworker who is married. maybe it's just me.

i find it ironic and inappropriate that instead of getting a gift for my birthday from the guy i was presumably dating, i get one instead from a married coworker friend who i'm trying to keep at arm's length.

so i had some retail therapy today and i felt alot better. i bought a pretty blue plaid mini skirt and two tops (one for going out and one for work.)though it's really not a good time to go shopping. for my sister's 30th birthday, my cousin wants to buy her a coach bag, which i'm really not in the budget for, but luckily she's going to be flexible with the time in which i pay her back for my half. sometimes i wish my sister didn't have such expensive taste. and it also kind of irks me that my cousin didn't get me anything for my birthday, but she's going all out for my sister. i'm in the financial hole again, especially since i had to send my parents money because my dad is in danger of getting laid off again. the money woes never seem to end. they keep sending him home because there's too little work to do- or so they say. i still need to buy a pink outfit as well, since my sister wants all ladies dressed in pink at her party, and i don't own anything pink.

soon i'll be moving to another cubicle at work with the rest of the analysts, and i can't wait. it's always nice to have a change of scenery when the day to day work environment gets too stale. and the other perks are that the new location will be far from the boss's office and much closer to the bathroom, which is good for me since i tend to go about 100 times a day. my desk right now is so far from the bathroom that i feel like i waste a good 20-30 minutes a day just walking back and forth. let me go now and try to get some sleep if the neighbors decide to be good tonight. i really need to catch up on sleep. i feel exhausted.

i'm always swimming against the flow of the tide

i wrote this a little earlier today at work (except for the postscript):

For along time when I was living at home, I kept this fortune from a fortune cookie taped on my vanity mirror which read ‘ a patient heart is never disappointed.’ But I still remember clearly the day that I couldn’t take waiting anymore. I started looking for apartments online and packed all my things, ripped the fortune off my mirror, threw it out and vowed to go after the life I longed for. To stop sitting idly by while my life swiftly passed me by. I took each rejection from prospective roommates (I would’ve lived anywhere at that point, apartment size and roommate didn’t matter so much) as personally as a rejection from a lover. I would get forlorn and lie in bed and play ‘can’t cry these tears’ by garbage loudly on my stereo. of course I was much more immature in those days. Until the day someone finally decided to take me on as their roommate. That situation lasted 4 months, but it taught me a lot. Competition for apartments in Hoboken is fierce, especially in the summer, especially for those who can’t afford to live on their own and must find a roommate to live with.

And I learned something along the way: no matter how much you want something to happen, you simply cannot force it or it will never work. you can’t anticipate or have expectations. You can’t chase after it. You just have to wait and let it happen. There is just no other way. now is when I’m realizing this. no matter how badly you want or feel you deserve something, you just have to sit back and wait until the universe decides it’s the right time. The only problem is, I am the least patient person you can ever imagine. I hate waiting for anything. it really irritates me. that’s why I think I’d never be suited to having children, for which you need to have infinite patience. I think I get this from my father. He has very little patience too, and something of a short fuse. I don’t know how he got through raising my sister and me. but I guess that’s as good a reason as any as to why I shouldn’t fear having kids so much. I try to change my mind about it, but it remains the same.

The point is, life is not fair. And the sooner you accept this, the less misery you will feel. It makes me crazy how people who don’t seem to deserve it have the thing that I want and have worked so hard for. How is it that someone who is 27 with a 7 year old child (a coworker) gets to have this gorgeous man on her arm, and I remain single? Was it wrong what I was told growing up? to be good and focus on school work and let nothing get in the way of that and happiness with a relationship will come later? Will come eventually? How much longer to I need to wait? How much harder do I have to work only to have no one to call when I get home? no one to spend my weekends with? how many more disgusting remarks will I have to hear out at bars or from passing cars, or from disgusting married men hitting on me before I can have that normal relationship? I don’t want to be someone who is seeking this out their whole lives. I’d rather give up altogether, and focus my life elsewhere.

Now it’s just a matter of trying to find something else to focus on until my ship finally comes in. its weird how much of life can seem like killing time while you are trying to ‘cope’ with it all. I used to be one of those people who really enjoyed things, and now that person seems lost. And it’s hard to get her back with everyone vying for your time and attention all the time. Its hard to feel centered the way I used to, and ready to face the world.


..
my mother's words on the phone earlier tonight are a comfort to me. she said to relax and be calm, that god knows what he's doing, and that what is coming for me will come no matter what. when someone is for me, no one and nothing will take him away. she said that she who laughs last always laughs best, and that what's mine is on it's way to me. those are the words i really needed to hear right now.

sad

i am sad. part of me feels dead inside. don't know what else to do. found myself wishing today that i never met a particular person, just so i wouldn't know what i was missing out on now. but i wouldn't erase the past couple of months for the whole world. i was really actually, blissfully happy.

my home is in my mind

i passed by a restaurant that's right next to the entrance for my job and saw that (title of post) written on the back of this dark long-haired guy's t-shirt. he sat with his back to the window as if he were proclaiming it to all the world. wish i'd had my camera.

my coworker in another department with whom i sometimes share emails when i'm bored posed these interesting questions to me today:

"Okay, you’re going to a desert island for 2-3 months and you can only bring 5 CD’s, 5 books and the island’s chef will prepare any of 5 different dishes anytime you need them. No matter what you pick it will be perfectly nutritious. So what 5 dishes would you pick? Bonus: For an extra $5 the island theatre will show any of 5 movies you pick – popcorn is free."

here was my response:

5 CDs (only 5??)- Garbage (Garbage), Version 2.0, Bleed Like Me, Blondie (Blondie), and Blondie (Parallel Lines)

5 books- ‘writing down the bones’ by Natalie Goldberg, ‘aura’ by carlos Fuentes, ‘a midsummer night’s dream’ by William Shakespeare, ‘fruits’ and ‘fresh fruits’ (japanese street fashion photography)

5 dishes- pastelitos (Spanish desserts that are sweet with meat inside, yum!), my mom’s breaded chicken and yellow rice, pizza, oriental chicken salad wrap from applebees (I love that!), and um…glazed doughnut holes

5 movies- Sheakespeare in Love, A Perfect Murder, Jawbreaker, To Die For, and Secretary

------------------------------------------------------------

i never had a friendship with a married man who has a family before, it's making me kind of uncomfortable. but he's really cool so it's nice to have someone else at work to talk to on those boring days. and today sure was one of those.

i finally heard back from my landlady today. she asked me how the noise has been. i said it's still here it but it's not as loud as before. though it did wake me up a couple of times again last night. she said to give it a week and call her back next monday and let her know how it's been because tenants are not to make noise after 10pm!! as it clearly states in our lease. she says because they are new tenants maybe they are not aware, and that they would be or had been spoken to. she's a little hard to understand since she's old and a little out of it. she said if the noise did not lessen by monday that she would give them a 30 day notice (from what i could make out). so i'm guessing that's some sort of warning? she said to call her monday either way, so i definitely plan to do that even though it will be my birthday. i'm so glad someone finally took this seriously.

birthday blues

i always hate planning my birthday because it ends up like every new year's eve. i never end up doing what i want to do and don't have much fun. last year i was a wreck at my birthday outings, but only in the after dinner 'partying' aspects of it. so i think i'd be better off just going to dinner and then going home. i know that's probably not what the majority will want to do, but i'm just over the going out and drinking thing. it's really not fun anymore. i don't feel that i should be on the prowl for guys, or getting drunk like i used to be. it's not in me anymore and it has nothing to do with recent events in my life. this has been a long time coming.

i feel simply too old to be out at bars drinking every weekend. it's lost its fun and even my once favorite drinks just taste bad to me. i haven't done the things i usually do in the summertime either, like going to see free shakespeare plays in the park, or going to museums or spending the day in the city. i'll probably get to do those things. but for now i'm not really in the mood to celebrate turning 27. i am just not up for it. maybe it has to do with pms, or just getting older. i'm not sure. but i would prefer to have things be low-key this year.

on my actual birthday, july 10, i'll be going to see my parents in staten island, and i told my mother to tell my sister to go too so i can see my nephew. i miss him a lot. they actually had a barbeque today, a small gathering, at my mother's house. but she didn't call me because she assumed i had other plans. i wanted to spend today at home relaxing, since i have work tomorrow. i spent most of the day in bed asleep, which apparently i really needed because i woke up feeling much more rested than i have in a long time. the neighbors are still noisy, but the past few nights i've been able to at least fall asleep. so maybe they are attempting to be quieter. i can only hope. the ironic thing was that they were so quiet this past friday night when it didn't matter if they were noisy because i didn't have to get up early for work the next day. it figures.

i've been so distracted with thoughts during my meditations lately that i can't seem to get the most out of the meditation sessions. it's not relaxing me the way it used to. and i'm having one of those weird days where i feel like i've lost my sense of self again. like i had a whole free day today and i couldn't find my desire to write, or to read, or to watch my favorite movies, or anything. i was also kind of down because of a brief shopping trip i took yesterday after work. i must have tried on 100 things, but nothing looked right on me, and i was disgusted by how fat i looked in the dressing room mirrors. i need to do something even though i hate exercise and love sweet foods. i can't keep going on at this rate. i need to stop eating. and find some way to get exercise in this hot weather.

while trying on clothes, i felt like my best physical days were behind me, and i was suddenly gaining some unwelcome, middle-aged woman weight that would never go away. i don't know if it was all in my head. but i decided to stop obsessing, to wear whatever for my birthday celebrations and not take it all so seriously. no matter what you do, someone else always looks better anyway. and that's what i struggle to get around. i will never be as thin and tiny as my size 2 friends who look great in everything, so i'm going to have to get over it.

'they never thought
that i'd be 27..
and a let down!'

-bif naked

i don't want to live here anymore

this has been a tough week. end of the month, crazy at work. and on top of that, i can't sleep anymore. not because i'm not exhausted, not because i have insomnia, but because the people living upstairs from me think it's perfectly fine to make obscene amounts of noise from about 12am to 4am EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. i shit you not. i have been a sleep-deprived, overworked wreck. i try calling the police, that ends the noise for one late tuesday evening party upstairs. that's it. the rest of the nights is the same story. i go up and knock on the door and ask politely for them to keep it down because it's 2:30am, they say they will, and then it just gets louder. it sounds like they are moving in or moving out every night, with all the dragging, scraping, banging, thundering noise that they fucking make. i am so fed up i actually started looking for apartments. no one cares at all.

i call my landlady serveral times, leave her angry voicemails and emails, pleading with her to speak to these rude assholes, and nothing gets done. she doesn't even return my calls. i give her all my numbers and ask that she please get back to me to let me know if anything AT ALL can be done about this, especially because i am an excellent tenant and always pay my rent not only on time, but early, and still i don't hear anything from her. i even asked if there are any other free apartments in my building that i might be able to take instead of mine so i don't have to leave my address completely. i don't know what else to do. i was just about ready the other night to sleep out in the hallway with the bugs that come in from the back yard. i was that desperate for peace and quiet.

the thing is, i'm a light sleeper so i always sleep with earplugs. i even did this living at home because any noise would wake me up, even someone's loud talking in the next bedroom. so you can imagine me trying to drown out this noise from my neighbors with some measly earplugs. they don't quite do the trick. especially when it's 3 or 4 or 5am and i'm in a deep sleep and it sounds like some 300 pound person just fell on his ass upstairs just above my bed and i'm jolted awake. i live in a studio, the ceilings are low so these people are practically on top of me. it's so not fun. and i'm not even going to get into how pissed i get that i can never meditate as long as i want to. i was doing so well with it every night and feeling great as a result, but that is virtually impossible now.

now i feel like i live on their schedule. i'll snatch any precious quiet time i can, try to take advantage and take a nap or meditate, or watch a movie that i've been wanting to see. or just plain relax. and turn off the air conditioning when i'm freezing just because i wanted it on to have something else making noise to drown out the neighbor's a little bit more. i thought about blasting some really annoying music at 4 or 5am and see how they like it.they wouldn't have shit to complain about. and at least i'd have some vindication. i'd say i was just doing it to drown out the noise they were making, since nothing else seems to work and nothing else seems to make them stop. i'm the kind of person who cannot get by on very little sleep. i feel out of sorts and like my mind is slowing down. i need a lot of sleep in order to function normally. and i don't see how asking that people not make so much noise between midnight and 7am on sunday through thursday nights is too much to ask.

all these words i don't just say

There is a very painful scene (one of them) in the movie ‘welcome to the dollhouse’ in which the main character. Dawn, is asked to read her essay on ‘dignity’ in front of her 7th grade class. She begins to read and is told repeatedly, like 4 or 5 times by the teacher : ‘speak up! louder!! we can’t hear you!’ I felt this scene because I have gone through it in my own way countless times in my life. I have probably the quietest speaking voice you will ever hear, and people usually struggle to understand what I say. This was not fun in school, and it still bothers me to this day. sometimes I practically scream and I still cannot be heard or understood.

This movie hit close to home for me, except maybe I think I was Dawn in high school, instead of middle school. I was the dorky outcast who ate lunch by herself and was mercilessly teased every day by the same tireless people. It was just that bad. I cannot imagine ever going back to that time and how tortured I felt. Of course now I can look back and think how silly it all was. but everything at that age is so serious and so life or death. That’s when the melodramatic poetry starts coming out, and your paranoia gets way out of control.

I had an overly active imagination as a teen, and lived for fantasy and just being alone in my own head. It was hard to let people in. I felt they didn’t understand and no one could relate to me. I was going through the same adolescent years as all my peers, but for some reason I felt I was not having even the slightest bit of the same experience they all were.

Being a soft spoken person does not go over well. it allows people to feel they can talk over you, discount what you’re saying. I think speaking is a lot like writing, I don’t do it unless I have something to say. And it’s an act of courage every time you open your mouth to speak or put words down for another person to read. You open yourself up to judgment, or the possibility that you will be misunderstood, shunned, or even ignored (which has happened to me). I can’t tell you how fucking aggravating that is. i don’t like people who interrupt, who talk for the sake of talking, who feel the need to fill every silence with words, and who cannot stop to think before they speak. I speak when I have something to say. (It’s like smiling when you have a reason to, not because you are told to).

I write when I don’t think anyone can stand or sit still long enough to hear all that I need to pour forth from my heart, or if there is something to say that is uniquely mine that needs to find it’s form in the written word. when you write, the journal won’t stop you or interrupt you, talk over or smirk at you, ignore you, or pretend to listen to you while it just stares on. my mother tends to do this. I’ll be going on telling her something about my life or myself and all she can respond with is something about my appearance. She’ll say how nice my skin looks, or my eye lashes, or my make-up, or something else completely irrelevant. Like I’m not supposed to have any depth beneath that.

I don’t know why but I have no appetite lately. I never feel hungry and if I do then I eat very little and feel full right away and just stop. And I end up with an upset stomach most of the day. maybe it’s anxiety? Or the heat? It’s weird, but I guess I have always had a pretty sensitive stomach. It’s really a struggle to eat sometimes. I think maybe I need to change my diet.

Wish I had more to say here, I’m not updating as often as I’d like.

you hold the key

I once heard that if ever you find a lost key in a public place, you should always pick it up and keep it with you. It is a sign; it’s your key to something you have been seeking. I forgot where I read or heard that, but I never forgot it. and I have tried to always remember it. I found a small key today during my lunch break. There are some big fountains nearby where I work and surrounding the fountains is a flat short wall where people often sit for lunch. It’s facing a deli that has outdoor seating. Once I sat for lunch I noticed a small brilliant silver key near me on the wall. There were people sitting beside me on either side but neither of them seemed to notice it or could’ve been the ones to drop it. it was a little bit dirty and did not have a key ring attached to it. it looked as if it had been there for a while.

It has a small round top with a hole that is pretty big for the size of the overall key. It struck me as unique because it looks like a child’s diary key or like a key for a safe deposit box. It’s super small. I picked it up and cleaned it off a little (after eating my lunch of course) and put it in my pocket. I think the hole in the key is big enough for me to place it on a chain and wear it as a pendant, so maybe I’ll do that and it will bring me luck. I’m sure I have an unused silver chain lying around that will fit it. for now I have the key in the change part of my wallet, in a flap separate from my change.

I’m always looking for silly, superstitious ways to invite more luck into my life. It can’t hurt to believe in a special talisman placed at the just the right time for only you to find and keep. Sorry to anyone out there in NYC if this is your key that I stole. It was so cute I just had to take it.