i'm always swimming against the flow of the tide

i wrote this a little earlier today at work (except for the postscript):

For along time when I was living at home, I kept this fortune from a fortune cookie taped on my vanity mirror which read ‘ a patient heart is never disappointed.’ But I still remember clearly the day that I couldn’t take waiting anymore. I started looking for apartments online and packed all my things, ripped the fortune off my mirror, threw it out and vowed to go after the life I longed for. To stop sitting idly by while my life swiftly passed me by. I took each rejection from prospective roommates (I would’ve lived anywhere at that point, apartment size and roommate didn’t matter so much) as personally as a rejection from a lover. I would get forlorn and lie in bed and play ‘can’t cry these tears’ by garbage loudly on my stereo. of course I was much more immature in those days. Until the day someone finally decided to take me on as their roommate. That situation lasted 4 months, but it taught me a lot. Competition for apartments in Hoboken is fierce, especially in the summer, especially for those who can’t afford to live on their own and must find a roommate to live with.

And I learned something along the way: no matter how much you want something to happen, you simply cannot force it or it will never work. you can’t anticipate or have expectations. You can’t chase after it. You just have to wait and let it happen. There is just no other way. now is when I’m realizing this. no matter how badly you want or feel you deserve something, you just have to sit back and wait until the universe decides it’s the right time. The only problem is, I am the least patient person you can ever imagine. I hate waiting for anything. it really irritates me. that’s why I think I’d never be suited to having children, for which you need to have infinite patience. I think I get this from my father. He has very little patience too, and something of a short fuse. I don’t know how he got through raising my sister and me. but I guess that’s as good a reason as any as to why I shouldn’t fear having kids so much. I try to change my mind about it, but it remains the same.

The point is, life is not fair. And the sooner you accept this, the less misery you will feel. It makes me crazy how people who don’t seem to deserve it have the thing that I want and have worked so hard for. How is it that someone who is 27 with a 7 year old child (a coworker) gets to have this gorgeous man on her arm, and I remain single? Was it wrong what I was told growing up? to be good and focus on school work and let nothing get in the way of that and happiness with a relationship will come later? Will come eventually? How much longer to I need to wait? How much harder do I have to work only to have no one to call when I get home? no one to spend my weekends with? how many more disgusting remarks will I have to hear out at bars or from passing cars, or from disgusting married men hitting on me before I can have that normal relationship? I don’t want to be someone who is seeking this out their whole lives. I’d rather give up altogether, and focus my life elsewhere.

Now it’s just a matter of trying to find something else to focus on until my ship finally comes in. its weird how much of life can seem like killing time while you are trying to ‘cope’ with it all. I used to be one of those people who really enjoyed things, and now that person seems lost. And it’s hard to get her back with everyone vying for your time and attention all the time. Its hard to feel centered the way I used to, and ready to face the world.


..
my mother's words on the phone earlier tonight are a comfort to me. she said to relax and be calm, that god knows what he's doing, and that what is coming for me will come no matter what. when someone is for me, no one and nothing will take him away. she said that she who laughs last always laughs best, and that what's mine is on it's way to me. those are the words i really needed to hear right now.