"we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

that quote is by Anais Nin. and it kind of sums up my thoughts recently. i have been thinking lately about how far i've come over the past few years from where i used to be, and how much i've changed. the change in my thoughts alone, has been so huge and now i finally feel like someone who has hope. who isn't so frightened of everything all the time, who tries to focus on the positive no matter what. i'm sorry, but feeling good actually feels good. and i've spent way too many years of my life feeling bad, feeling negative, feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in the misery of certain people around me that it felt like suffocating. i wanted to be free of that and i think i have finally achieved it.

sometimes i'm still suprised at how much i've accomplished that i never thought i would be able to accomplish. i never thought i'd be able to move out of my parents home and take care of and support myself, and especially for this long. i've learned some hard lessons about people, about life, about work, and about myself and feel like i've finally come to a sense of who i am. i guess it's true what people say (which i've never truly understood until now), that as you get older, the better you feel because you understand things a little more. you have some perspective and maturity, and you've suffered through a lot of things that you can now realize all were happening for a reason. to teach you something important, to get you to a certain place in your own mind. it suddenly all seems to make perfect sense.

i used to feel so lost, so depressed and hopeless. never in a million years would i imagine that i would have a good group of friends in my life who are incredibly supportive, be at a friendly level with coworkers who used to terrify me, be able to make eye contact and smile more often even on bad days, and be able to hold my emotions at bay when they threaten to overwhelm me. it's a hard thing to learn how to be professional, and deal with personal matters on your own time. i like feeling better about life, and more open to people, and more accepting of other's differences, and more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than assuming the worst right away. i used to be so impatient and judgemental, but i'm seeing this part of myself change, and it's a relief to me to feel more peaceful in my own heart.

i've always been aware and grateful for all the blessings in my life, and now even more i can see how abundant and beautiful life is, with all the things it holds for me to still discover. there's no feeling like forming a new friendship with someone and getting their take on the world, or doing something different to break your routine, or reading an amazing book, or listening to music you've never heard before and getting a glimpse of the singer's view of the world, or reading a friend's writing and discovering a whole other side of them you never knew, or creating a piece of art or writing that is all your own, or having that experience of someone opening up to you and trusting you.

all those little things can feel like miracles, if you stop to take note of them. the world becomes a very different place when you change your perspective. i still have my bad days and sad days, but i know that there's another way to feel, and i don't get stuck in one state of mind. i know it passes and i can get out of it and feel better again.