writing prompts

being bored at work today, i started working on some 'lists of 10' prompts i found online:

10 things that I value about life are...


1. Sleep
2. Family
3. Nature
4. Writing
5. Being in love
6. Being minimalist
7. Freedom of choice
8. Trying new things-meeting people/eating something new/a new place/new music
9. Meditation
10. Free time
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10 good books that I have read are...


1. Aura (by carlos fuentes)
2. The Bell Jar
3. The Davinci Code
4. Angels and Demons
5. Clear your clutter with Feng Shui
6. the joy of less
7. Eat, Pray, Love
8. The way of love
9. Sister Carrie
10. The Radical Minimalist
11. (bonus) Writing down the Bones

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And one list of 50:

50 things I love to do


1. Write poetry
2. Read books
3. Listen to others
4. Relax
5. Sleep
6. Meditate
7. Take a hot bath
8. Watch movies
9. Read online articles
10. Visit thrift stores and flea markets
11. Look at babies
12. Redefine myself
13. Shop for clothes
14. Shop for jewelry
15. Spend time alone
16. Ride my bike
17. Listen to music
18. Discover new music
19. Drink wine
20. Write in my journal
21. Declutter
22. Play lottery scratch off games
23. Clear digital clutter
24. Write email
25. Watch ‘storage wars’
26. Reading about dumpster diving and trash art
27. Watch old daria and charmed episodes
28. Watch futurama
29. Eat chicken fried rice
30. Eat my mom’s cooking
31. Discover new authors
32. Go for a walk
33. People watch
34. Drink coffee
35. Chocolate!
36. Look at pictures
37. Work on personal projects
38. Sleep in
39. Break my routine
40. Travel to new places
41. Eat light
42. Proofread documents
43. Random acts of kindness
44. Turn in early- go to bed
45. Experience quiet
46. Exercise (when I finally get motivated to start)
47. Read fashion blogs
48. Read fashion magazines
49. Get hand me downs
50. Use unwanted gifts in creative ways

pics from a recent family party

me (love my asian print sheer jacket thing)!

me and my sis hugging

various cousins and me and my sis

sis with my beautiful neice, love the headband and polka dots! 

i miss nina yau

castles in the air (the blog) hasn't been updated since july 30! where is nina?

anyway, aside from obsessively checking castles in the air for an update, i've been adjusting to a new work role. i'm still an administrative assistant but my boss was promoted and so now i have different work to do, thankfully! i was thankful also that she decided to take me with her, even though she can get on my nerves. i'm trying to be professional and look over personality conflicts. she is giving me some writing and bit of editing work so so far it has been a nice challenge, and kind of fun. it's definitely better than the boring old admin stuff i used to do, like order business cards and count applications for medicare. i notice that 4 years in one type of job seems to be my limit and then i get ancy. my brain gets bored and needs something new to stimulate it.

i feel tired tonight and instead of resting, i went out for a walk in the park. i feel the summer slipping by and want to grasp and enjoy as much of it as i can. the walk was especially nice when i had a chance to see the sun setting, low and a bright orange/red, peeking out beneath a cloud, while on the other side of the sky hung the moon at the same time. that's always awesome to see.

bf gave me a coupon for a discounted starbucks drink which i drank around 4pm and that wasn't smart. since during my walk i started to feel anxious and strange. though it could've also been the idea of having to be out for the next two nights in a row, which i always dread. i will be seeing 'the detroit cobras' play tomorrow night and i'm looking forward to that. it should be a good show. then on friday it's my sister's 35th birthday. i was going to go out with her on sunday but then she forgot about some plans she had and pushed our city brunch day back a bit. so i felt bad not going out to eat with her and my parents on friday night. even though i have to take two trains to get there after work. it will be worth it though to see my sister and my little niece and nephew.

i should be sleeping, but i have to blow dry my hair and only got to shower after watching two new episodes of storage wars. i really like that show but i wish they would only have one new episode on a week, so that it doesn't take up a full hour of my night. i guess this is what dvr's are for. but i just can't seem to spend extra money on something so unnecessary as that. especially since i don't watch a ton of shows or anything. this month, there are supposed to be new episodes starting up for the rachel zoe project, which i really can't wait for, i just hope the whole season doesn't end up becoming about her new baby or something, and sticks with the fashion and dressing celebrities and glamorous events and parties.

so i've gotten up to the 4th harry potter book in the series, 'harry potter and the goblet of fire.' after every book i've read, i rented and watched the movie which has been fun. i didn't think i'd get into it but jk rowling creates this whole fascinating world that you just fall into and get lost in and it's so much fun, so entertaining. i should be getting the dvd of 'harry potter and the prisoner of askaban' soon since i just finished that book. i'm so behind the times, these books came out so long ago, but better late than never. after i'm done, i'll give the first 5 books in the series (which i got for free thanks to my bf!) to my nephew, i know he will enjoy them when he's old enough to start reading novels. and then the last two i guess i will get from the library.

time for bed. harry potter can wait til the weekend. the goblet of fire book is huge, and i know if i start on it now i will be up until 3am reading. can't do that tonight!

lost in the music

been into listening to a couple of old enrique iglesias songs lately. i never realized how much i liked some of those songs and they make commuting easier, i just close my eyes and imagine i'm on some tropical island somewhere have a cool drink and relaxing in the summer breeze. my favorite song of his is still 'tired of being sorry' and that video is great too (i posted it a few posts back on 6/12). that song has 38 plays on my ipod! i am so addicted to it. but these two below are new additions and good too.

i was in a really good mood today (maybe because i finally worked out last night for the first time in a long while) and every song i listened to just sounded great and made me happier. i hope the summer lasts this year a little longer than last. i remember it got cold pretty fast right in september last year. i just wish winter wouldn't happen at all.

couple of good quotes

“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.” — Rita Mae Brown


“Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?” — Friedrich Nietzsche

living with expectations

went to my cousin's wedding on friday which led of course to everyone, led by my mother asking, 'so who's next?' and pointing out that i'm not engaged or married yet. ugh once again. i really really hate that, feeling that there are expectations and that my life is being planned out for me without anyone even really asking me or caring about what i want. my mom was going on and on in the car on the way to the wedding about the year i'm going to get married, as if she knew, and where i was going to honeymoon. as if this was anything i was thinking about. she told me this awful story about how my cousin's fiance basically sat him down and said she didn't want to waste time or have kids when she's too old so he had better get serious about their future. maybe that works for some guys but to me it just sounded awful and demanding.

i kept stressing to my mom that i would rather things happen naturally, but she didn't seem to be listening. that's really what i believe though. after my cousin's fiance told her that, i would only imagine that he wondered if she truly loved him or was simply concerned with a big white wedding celebration and a ring. i think that's taking things a bit too far and can only lead to resentment in the long run. i feel like if someone wants to marry me then great, it will happen when the time is right. and if it doesn't, well then i'm not going to shoot myself in the head or anything. i can function independently just fine. getting married is not the ultimate goal in my life. my mom told me that my boyfriend will propose when i least expect it, as if she were trying to console me. i guess it's hard for people to understand that not every woman in her 30s is desperate to be married or she'll feel completely worthless.

why can't anyone get that it's my life and only i should be concerned with it? and if i'm happy that people should just back off? my mom keeps telling people that i'll be getting married in 2015 and honeymooning in cartagena colombia. that's a nice vision but it has nothing to do with me personally, and just because i'm her daughter it doesn't mean that my life can be dictated by her or anyone else. i wouldn't mind if it was just said once but it's said repeatedly. as if i'm going to give in to the idea without even considering my own heart and mind first. i mean i still struggle with trust issues, with divorce rates, and with the idea that anyone will ever even love me enough to want to be with me forever. its not something that i have ever aimed for or even thought possible. so why would i jump headfirst into making that my goal all of a sudden?

maybe i need to find myself a bit more first. maybe marriage is not in the cards for me. no one can predict the future. my sister asked if i thought i was wasting my time with my bf if it turns out we don't get married or break up one day or he never proposes. i thought that was crazy. if i thought i was wasting my time i wouldn't be with him. i'm lucky enough to have found love and i'm grateful for that. i have never been in a rush for anything more because i never even thought that would ever happen. and so i'm just enjoying the moment.

i mean the world could end next year and i don't think i should spend it single and lonely just because the person i'm with hasn't proposed yet. that is just insane to me and i don't get how people can think that way. i guess getting married and having kids is just that important to some people. my main goal has always just been to have a simple life, with as little stress as possible and as much happiness and peace as possible. i'm still trying to get a foothold in my career for goodness sake, and that's stressful enough without having to freak out about all other aspects of my life. i believe in letting things happen in their own time. none of us has a crystal ball. all we can do is live and experience and grow, and cultivate patience. oh and the big one- drop all expectations- of life, of people, of jobs, of your family, all expectations and allow others to simply be who they are.

someone who did the best she could with the talent she had

i love this, and i love that she still writes.

babe, it must be art

so it reached something like 104 degrees in central park today, crazy! it was seriously hard to breathe outside. thank god for air conditioned offices. i haven't been writing here as much because i've been writing more in my paper journal. i came up with an idea for a play which i am so excited about, now i just hope i can pull off writing it. i haven't had the easiest time in the past coming up with fictional characters, but i'm willing to give it another try. i just love writing, and want to write something besides journal entries and poetry. something meaningful and poignant that will get people thinking.

i want to pour my heart and soul into a writing project and see it through to the end. i saw this move the other night on lifetime about the life of jk rowling called 'magic beyond words.' her story is SO inspiring and really got me thinking about what motivates me and makes me happy, and it's writing. always has been and always will be. i remember writing stupid scary stories when i was like 10, and writing my first poems and being mad whenever anyone else tried to help me with them. i wanted to do them myself.

my favorite assignment in the 6th grade was writing a poem about the winter. and i have kept journals for as long as i can remember, i still have the ones from when i was like 7 or 8, those are so funny to read. i also remember writing a short vampire love story when i was in high school about a vampire named troy and the human he loved named cynthia. maybe i could've been the one to write the twilight series, dammit!

jk rowling is the first (and only!) author to become a billionaire - ever! her and madonna are like the two richest women living in england.

anyway, i have to get to work on the play now, write up some character profiles.

this is one of the best songs ever recorded. i forgot about it completely until it started to play in the airport restaurant while i was having lunch with my bf before our flight to puerto rico.
i love the song. just listen and you'll see why.

pics from san juan

heartbreaker

had a nice relaxing day off where i of course couldn't just relax and had to go out and get things done. i did some laundry and went to the library and cleaned a bit. i checked out about 8 CD's and already listened to two of them. one of them was a classic rock hits CD which contained this song, one of my favorites:



and one of the others was a luis miguel CD which i was so happy to find. the whole album is excellent but here is one song so you can see what i mean. it's the ultimate relaxation CD. it's called 'romance' and this song is called 'usted.' such beautiful lyrics if you understand spanish:



got back yesterday from a few days in san juan puerto rico with my sweetie bf. will post pics after i have given myself enough time to rest. i love not going to work! and that futurama is back on tv. i'm such a nerd. my mom asked if bf and i hit any clubs while on vacation, but that's not really our scene. we spent our time exploring old san juan, learning about and visiting battle ruins, and him sketching and my writing. and taking pictures and video of course. we went to relax and we don't even party here so i have no idea why she thought we'd be partying there! anyway, my body still aches from hauling my carry on in the airport. no check in luggage which saved us tons of time. will write more soon..

we can find new ways of living

got a form rejection email today from the company i interviewed with. they went with another person. so that's interview number three that didn't result in a job. guess i'm losing my touch. i got tons of temp jobs straight after college and eventually one of them ended up in a permanent placement, and that was in 2001, i graduate the may right before september 11, when there were supposedly no jobs, and i had no trouble. i guess i just wasn't meant to be at that company i interviewed with, or the two others.

i remember watching some program once where the speaker said to think of the most pressing problem in your life and keep in mind that a miracle may happen that will alleviate that problem. i can keep praying for a miracle to happen in my relationship with my boss, or my current career path, or keep looking for jobs. i'm not quite sure what to do at this point. so i'm just going to look forward to my upcoming vacation and try to forget that i will turn a year older on july 10.

songs of the day

down and feeling tired

i thought about writing this entry in my regular paper journal but since hardly anyone comes here and reads i guess it's safe to air my anger and sadness and frustration here. i had a really nice weekend, don't get me wrong. i love my boyfriend and being with him is so wonderful and makes me happy, and spending time with my family while they don't take up all of my time, and getting a chance to relax. but there's still that underlying nag. that underlying nag that says i'm not doing anything special with my life, or achieving my dreams, or even managing to stay at my goal weight, and time is passing by. and it's incredibly frustrating because all of this is not for lack of trying.

i send resumes out, get a couple of interviews, but still don't get an offer so i'm stuck at my job with my boss who i'm scared of and try to avoid at all costs. i try to act professional and cheery which takes a big toll on you day after day after day when you know that your job is not your dream and at this point (i'm almost 32) i really should be at the job that is my dream, or at least on my way there. i should have been there right after college honestly, because i'm a college graduate and had all the potential in the world to be something great but i'm slaving away for someone who goes from not giving me anything to do at all, to giving me way too difficult reports which change all the time and then calling me unprofessional and insubordinate when i can't complete this report to her liking. she hasn't done it in a while but it's only a matter of time. just have to catch her on an off day.

and then there's my diet. i was craving all kinds of bad food today but didn't give into temptation , except for dinner when i had a grilled cheese sandwich, even though it was wheat bread and vegan cheese. i'm finding that even if i eat healthy and deprive myself of delicious foods (which makes me really depressed because i love food) it doesn't help at all in making my figure back to the way it was. i guess this is the reality of being in my 30s now. now it takes sweaty, uncomfortable workouts that hurt in order to keep a lean body, or at least remain a size 6 and not creep up to an 8. it is really frustrating when you feel your body holding on to fat and pounds when you are watching what you eat. i had just cereal for breakfast, and then some tea at work, oatmeal for lunch and a banana. and that's all, besides the gallons of water that i drink every day.

i couldn't exercise today because i was sore from yesterday. i was at a fourth of july barbeque where there was nothing but fattening food and alcohol, and i had to eat so there was that. i guess i didn't have to drink as much as i did but i tried to offset all the calories by dancing. by the end of the day i still had consumed too much food and drinks and my head was pounding, so i had to eat again when dinner came around just to sober up, even though i wasn't hungry. family parties are the hardest. if i don't want to eat meat, there is literally nothing else to eat and then people will assume i'm anorexic.

i want to exercise but feeling heavier really makes it hard. it's hard to find motivation to bike ride or do any kind of cardio when i don't have any equipment at home and body weight exercise is too hard and i can't seem to wake up early to exercise in the mornings, and i can't go outside and walk when it gets dark because it's not safe and the weather may not be good. i'm going on vacation next week and i can't wait for that. i'm so sick of almost bumping into people who are staring into their i phones, but that's a whole other topic.

i'm looking forward to my vacation because it will be a break from all the screens i encounter daily. i go from my blackberry, to the computer screen at work, to the tv usually for an hour or two, and then back to the computer screen again at home. i'm so tired of it all but it's like an addiction and it's hard to break the pattern whe you do the same things day after day after day. i wish i could get over my embarrassment about working out in public so i could join a gym and at least use a treadmill. i think i could walk for an hour a day if i had one, i don't think that would be bad or hard because it wouldn't be strenuous. but i think my body needs strenuous exercise in order to lose any pounds at all. and that involves jumping and sweating and everything, so i have to find a way to get into that again. i have to try and just force myself so i can feel better about my body, and feel better IN my body.

i know that i'll never be as slim as someone like rumi neely or kate moss, but i can definitely be slimmer. it's just going to take a lot of hard work and deprivation of my favorite foods once again. :(

handbag of my dreams

i finally bought the kate moss for longchamp handbag i've been dreaming about since i saw it in lucky magazine. luckily for me it was on sale! so i didn't have to pay $990 for it. with tax it came out to $754, which is still more than i've ever spent on a handbag. but it was worth it because i absolutely love it and will have it forever. here's a pic

the song used in this promotional video is so good. it's called 'sand' by nancy sinatra and lee hazlewood

'solitude is a victory'

just watched the documentary on karl lagerfeld called 'lagerfeld confidential' and it was actually pretty interesting. in his own guarded way, he answers the film maker's questions and gives a look into the fashion world, while somehow not keeping the focus on himself. his philosophies run deep, and you should really watch the film to catch them all as they are rather profound. i admire how detached he is. he doesn't dwell too much on life or on himself, possessions, or on relationships because he prefers to live a fantasy life that isn't mired in reality. it's almost like he thinks reality is overrated. and in a way, isn't it? aren't dreams better?

when asked how he feels about death, he says that maybe death is an awakening from the dream that is life. and why worry about the afterlife, when there are billions of people who have died before ever learning about religion. and how can they possibly be damned to hell if they have never even learned that word? yeah, pretty heavy for a film you think it going to be about fashion! but he is a deep man, and though intimidating, doesn't seem to believe in his own hype. he never studied and is humble enough to see how lucky he is to have built and organized a life that suits him without too much effort. stories about his parents and upbringing are very interesting as well though we don't get to learn how he got his start in fashion or how he became so successful and an icon in his industry.

he is very straightforward and honest and that is refreshing. maybe it comes from being 75 years old and having spent that life in a creative field. he talks about how he needs time to be alone sometimes, and how creative people cannot be around other people all day long and still be creative, and i really related to that thought because it's the absolute truth. he talks about reading books, and how that's an activity that you can't do while you have company. solitude is important for recharging one's batteries, as he states, and is healthy. 'solitude is a victory' is just about the best quote i've heard in a movie in a long while.

that'll be the last movie i rent for a few months, putting my netflix account on hold for the summer!

garbage comeback

my prayers have been answered and Garbage really is in the studio recording new tracks for an upcoming album release! all is right in the world once again.

more info can be found here:
http://www.garbagediscobox.com/news/

the hunger of our hearts

there really aren't enough hours in the day. there is so much that i wanted to do the past few days, a lot of it got done (like more decluttering) yes! but some of it didn't. maybe i'm the only one but when there are things to do i feel like i need to do everything in one evening. which is why working 8 hours a day is so inconvenient. i really want to try to teach myself to make jewelry and i have a book but i just have to devote time to it already. i keep passing it by for other things.

a consignment store just opened down the block from my apartment so i'm excited to bring them some gently used clothes that i don't want anymore, and purses, and see if i can make any money from them. this will be my first time bringing clothes to a consignment store, so hopefully it's a good experience. i would love to own a consignment store or thrift shop one day, i think i would actually be really happy doing that. i have a weird obsession with second hand stuff.

i'm trying to mellow out at work and usually i can for a couple of weeks, until my boss takes a particular tone with me, but since that hasn't happened yet, i'm trying not to dwell on the inevitable. just going to count my blessings and live in the moment in the meantime.

this past sunday was father's day and i always feel bad getting my dad and uncles just cards and money but i really don't know their tastes and don't want to get them something they already have or will not find a use for. they seem happy just to get together with the family and play some dominoes and eat some bbq and have some beers so it all ends up working out in the end. a big topic of conversation was my cousin's upcoming wedding. both he and his bride will be 29 when they marry on july 29, and they were both born on the 29th day of the month. he was born april 29th and she was born august 29th. so i'm assuming the pattern will continue and their first born child will also be born on a 29th day. those coincidences are so crazy!

another thing i wanted to do but didn't get around to was post a photo entry on this blog, just go out for a walk and take random photos of things in my neighborhood. but i chose bike riding this weekend instead. it was fun and a good workout, as i rode for an hour. the superintendent of my building saw my struggling to bring my heavy bike up the apartment building steps and showed me a very helpful door on one side of the basement that i can use to get my bike in and out, so no more excuses now that i can take the bike out and put it back with a lot more ease.

no one sees me, but the silver moon...

went out friday night to the lower east side and felt somewhat out of it. it's a lot easier to go out on saturday nights and get one night to decompress from work, but it was still a lot of fun because it's not cold out anymore and the summer is finally here. that's when living near NYC is the most fun. went to max fish which is one of the bars/lounges i used to frequent most weekends when i was around 22, 23. and it felt so different being there now. my favorites were max fish, the mercury lounge which was around the corner, and the luna lounge which is not there anymore and has been taken over by a restaurant. we ended the night at 'the living room' where a couple of singer/songwriters were performing.

woke up so late yesterday and barely did anything except rearrange my living room furniture (love doing that!) and try to watch 'mahogany' on DVD but i rented a DVD that started skipping towards the end of the movie, so annoying! but i did get up today around 9:30am and got a lot done already. isn't it funny how when you finally have time to do stuff, like on a sunday, everything is closed? i mean no library, no post office. everything is inconvenient to the working person!

well that's all for today's ranting. i feel really good today actually. going to see my parents in a little while, and finish up a book and some magazines that have been lying around my apartment for way too long. and maybe i'll check out the upcoming calendar of shows at the mercury lounge so i can try to go when the show hasn't been sold out.

favorite song of the day



another good one

you knew all along what i never wanted to say

songs that made me smile during my nightly power walk through my very unscenic neighborhood. nice to know music and exercise can still make me feel good, even when i feel like my job is hanging by a thread

simplicity on the brain

10 ways i have achieved a somewhat simple life

1. i have a basic cell phone, don't need to have the Internet with me everywhere i go
It’s like I read at this post- http://zenhabits.net/simple-balance/
“staying connected and plugged-in all the time causes enormous amounts of stress and clutters your mind.”
2. i don't buy expensive jewelry or get manicures/pedicures
3. i am not on facebook or twitter
4. my cable package is basic, no movie channels
5. if i have read a book or magazine, i pass it along
6. i re-evaluate my belongings constantly – I think about the freedom of having a clean slate
7. i resist the urge to buy something for a while. if it's still haunting me days later, then i buy it. i think in terms of ‘more money spent, less money saved.’
8. i stopped taking prescription anxiety medication, i trust myself to have gotten past that issue
9. i no longer eat red meat or rice regularly
10. i don't have credit card debt over $200 at any time (that's my self-imposed cap since I can pay it all off at once)

10 things i'm planning to do to simplify life even more

1. use my bike more often now that weather permits
2. look into second hand shopping if i want different clothes/decor
3. declutter my current clothes of duplicates or older items that i am tired of and don't wear- or like it says in Rachel Zoe’s book- ‘clothes that aren’t making me smile’
4. declutter my bookshelf of notes from my editing courses, all the same information (grammar rules, etc) is available in books that i own
5. exercise every day - make it non negotiable and schedule it. i am aiming for 30-60 minutes of cardio 3 times a week and 2 days a week of pilates to tone the upper body and become stronger. 60 minutes of cardio shouldn’t be too hard if it’s broken up and done 30 minutes at time- once in the morning, once in the evening.
6. reduce caffeine intake – this one is tough
7. go on a 9 day cleanse to try to improve my eating habits. a friend told me about 'ben's cleanse' which we are going to try out together. she knows someone who lost 45 pounds with this method
8. listen to relaxing music daily/pray more/meditate
9. figure out where having only one of something is enough- for example: one makeup bag, one set of pajamas, one towel, one travel/overnight bag, one perfume, one wristlet, one set of shorts in a particular color, one set of workout/errand clothes (etc) and get rid of the excess
10. eliminating ugly or unworn shoes
11. (bonus) I am searching for a job with a less stressful boss

song of the day

so so weekend

my memorial day  was spent doing lots of reading and some napping. i got 18 'life and style' magazines free from some girl in soho who was giving them away last week while she moved, so i'm getting a little sick of reading about celebrity style right about now. i attempted to continue reading 'your erroneous zones' by wayne dyer. i'm almost done with it but it's not helping me disassociate myself from my thoughts about my boss and job. they are still managing to depress me. my job isn't so bad actually, just the boss. i just got home from a walk in the park but the humidity out there made me sweat buckets so i came home earlier than i wanted to, and according to my pedometer, only burned 170 calories.

i woke up today not feeling too great. my boyfriend got sick after our dinner saturday night so that put a damper on our evening. i also woke up on sunday with a splitting headache. i went to radio shack to buy this cable for my HDTV which it turns out i couldn't connect anyway because there was no connection for it on my cable box.

 i tried writing last night, but all i could manage to write was a prayer to help me manage my job stress or find a new job, it's at the forefront of my mind and now it's obvious to me that it's blocking my creativity. isn't it a bummer when someone takes a bad picture of you and then you are forced to see it? my uncle has a website with all his photos from our family get-togethers and managed to tag me in one of them where i am posing with him and my sister and i swear i look about 400 pounds heavier in that picture, even though i am wearing a black dress, and even though i thought i looked really good that night. ugh. i need to get back to exercising regularly. maybe i'm just not photogenic. i don't know. because i'm really not much heavier lately or anything. it's just a really bad picture.

it's been really hard for me to enjoy myself today because it's not like i don't have a job to go to tomorrow with a boss who doesn't think twice about talking down to me or disrespecting me. whenever that has happened in the past, i've left the job. but that's because i was living at home. i've tried so many way to deal with her, but i am out of ideas. i just have no respect for her because of the way she treats me, and it makes it very difficult for me to do my work.

i will keep applying to other jobs and hoping for the best. but the longer i go without getting called for anything, or interviewing and then not getting the job, the more i fear i will be stuck at my job forever with the one person in my life who makes it a living hell to earn my living.

is this the end?

Every accomplishment starts
with the decision to try.

-Anonymous

 i found this quote in a minimalism ebook that i downloaded for free called 'the minimalist within.' it can be found here: http://minimalistathome.com/minimalistwithin

i thought that quote was beautiful in its simplicity. if you never decided to try something, which only takes a small, quiet moment, you would never have accomplished anything. the decision to try can be scary, but also empowering when you know that the decision is final and serious, and overdue. it's like how do you know if you can do something until you try? i didn't think i could live on my own for example, but i tried it and have been doing just fine. i didn't think i could ever date someone successfully, but now i have a boyfriend who loves me.

today was another awful scenario with my boss that angered and upset me first thing on a monday morning. and this came after a long like 2 week stretch of being perfectly content in my life, grateful and peaceful and so happy in my mind. and she shattered that all to pieces with one phone call. i began to equate my job with misery again. i took down all the pretty cards i had hanging up in my cubicle, and any inspiring quotes or reminders of things to do to treat myself gently and care for myself and remember what there is to be grateful for, because there is just no place for those things at the office. no one cares that you are a human being. my boss doesn't feel the need to talk to me with respect and it makes me sick.

i am a good employee. i am hard working and responsible and don't deserve to be treated this way. other assistants walk in at 12 noon (making me wonder if I have to cover for them and asking their bosses for their whereabouts) and no one says anything. the thing is i didn’t even make a mistake. i sent a file following the instructions i was given, and was told that my boss never gave me that instruction. implying that i just made it up and did not hear her correctly which is completely ridiculous. i don't understand how someone can treat a good employee this way.

i would understand if i was dumb, or always late or taking days off like some people in my department but i don't. my boss knows that i am intelligent and my work ethic is strong, and yet i seem to be repeatedly punished for it. while for other people, they just let it slide. How can you expect to get the report you want when you change the criteria for it EVERY SINGLE TIME you ask for it? I am not a mind reader. I’m doing it the same way it was done the last time I was told how to do it.

i try to be understanding and tolerant. but there are some things a normal person just can't take. i can't take being told to do something one way one day- and that it would be done that way from now on and then being told the following week that i did it incorrectly. i was following instructions. that's all. i was just trying to do the right thing. i remember what i was told as i am not an idiot. i think if the world had ended yesterday i would have died a happy woman. no more work, no more nasty boss who treats me like shit, and ending my life in a good place, having been in love and having my family and never having wanted for anything.

visions are seldom all they seem

10 things i'm grateful for today

1. my boss probably won't be in the office tomorrow
2. my moment of complete contentment after a nice relaxing weekend while i watched 'sleeping beauty' on dvd sunday night.
3. having my computer back to normal after my bf destroyed the virus that was on it for a couple of days.
4. the suspense novel i'm reading as it's been entertaining so far, it's called 'shadow of your smile' by mary higgins clark. my mom just finished it and let me borrow it.
5. online shopping for little gifts for myself
6. getting out of work at 3pm next Friday- and upcoming holiday off for memorial day
7. home delivery service of my groceries.
8. feeling happy and grateful for my life, my boyfriend who loves me and my family.
9. hot showers and cups of tea
10.the peace and privacy/comfort of my apartment

sleeping beauty was one of my sister and my favorite movies when we were little. we watched it so many times and it always brings me back to being a little girl

getting to breathe easier

this week i finally went to see a doctor because i couldn't stand not being able to sleep at night due to my allergies and all the congestion they caused me. he asked me tons of questions very rapidly and i had to fill out all this paperwork because it was a new doctor that i had never been to before and he had no file on me. all this was very trying on my patience. he told me that my throat was all red and that i had a lot of congestion which i already knew, and ordered me to get an ekg because he thought my resting heart rate was a little faster than it should be. i wanted to say that it was because i have a boss from hell who's very presence in my life keeps me on edge all the time, but i kept that to myself.

getting the ekg was a pain too because i had to remove all of my jewelry, and i wear a lot of jewelry, and it is all very special and meaningful to me and i get anxious when i have to remove it anywhere else besides in my home. especially the coral flower ring my mother gave me, which i actually never take off. i kept fearing that i would get up to put it back on and it would be gone.

after the doctor i went to fill my prescriptions, the girl there told me to come back in half an hour so i did, and they still weren't ready. it was her and two guys at the pharmacy and they were working so  slowly. here i am hardly able to breathe and sneezing 10 times in a row whenever i step outside, and waiting around for this medication to finally get some relief while they took their sweet time. i was just about ready to scream at them. my medication was very expensive but it was worth it. i feel much better and was actually able to fall asleep last night without feeling congested at all or waking up with the roof of my mouth burning and irritated. and that was such a blessing.

so i took advantage and went to bed early and slept a lot. i attempted today to organize my handbags and try to declutter some clothes i'm tired of but i just couldn't do it. for some reason, it's hard for me to get rid of something that i received a compliment on while wearing it even though i might have gotten sick of the item already. and it's hard for me to get rid of perfectly good work clothes or something just because i'm tired of wearing the same things over and over.

it seems wasteful to me, even though there are some clothing items that i have kept for so many years. it's hard for me to get rid of things when i know that they look good on me, because it can be hard to find flattering clothes a lot of the time. or clothing in a style that is not trendy right now. i've kept a lot of my old clothes because i just couldn't get into the whole 80s trend that's been happening in the last few years. thankfully the 70s styles are getting back into fashion now.

my handbags are somewhat more organized now, i tried to line them up on the top of my closet so that i could see them all, instead of hanging them on hooks behind my other clothes where they are less visible. i had to rearrange some clothing i had up there that doesn't fit in my dresser drawers, and a warm blanket that i use under my comforter sometimes, but i made it work eventually. i wish i had more closet space, but it looks like i'm just going to have to get rid of all the excess clothing that i don't really need.

so it was nice to relax today, have  nice cup of tea and have nowhere in particular to go except maybe to the grocery store to get some cereal and fruit. my apartment felt kind of chilly but i love being home and wearing a cozy sweater and reading a good book or watching a good documentary. that is the best. i think i will definitely always be a homebody. i love being comfortable and surrounded by the things i love and that feel like me, especially when i spend my week at a job that has nothing to do with my personality, my passions or who i really am. i must work on that.

my adorable neice

Reina Marie

needing 5 more me's

first a bit of good news, my niece Reina was born yesterday, May 1st around 4:05pm, so now i have a niece and a nephew! and she is so cute. i just have phone pictures though, i wasn't prepared with my camera when i found out my sister was in labor. that's such a shame because i could have posted her cute little face. i will be seeing her again on sunday though when my sister should be back home from the hospital, so i can't wait! :)

today had to be one of the most stressful, frustrating, annoying days. my boss came in and wanted tons of stuff from me, all random, all tedious and difficult, and all while i was trying to get other work done that also needs to be done, administrative stuff which involves a lot of counting of training materials, opening and resealing boxes, trying to reach people who don't answer their emails or phone to see if what they sent is complete. asking them to confirm and reconfirm as per my boss, trying to submit paperwork and fill out all forms with my totals, only to have late stragglers (even when you GAVE a deadline of 8:30am) which force me to repeat the whole submission process, people talking to you when you're trying to listen to the ever growing to do list that your boss left on your voicemail while you were at lunch,

people gathered around ground zero (right outside the train station, during both rush hours!!) to stupidly take pictures of news reporters at the site conducting interviews because of osama bin laden being killed, people stopping dead in their tracks to stare stupidly at newspaper clippings of osama's death that were taped up to the gates outside ground zero, all foot traffic from my train being diverted and slowing down my process in getting the day over with, having to navigate around all the construction in front of the building where i work that never seems to end and half the time leaves me with no place to walk but in street in front of oncoming traffic. oh, and plus the annoyingly cold weather.

i fucking HATE commuting in new york city, the people pushing and shoving, practically knocking you over as they push past you, knocking into the bag your holding, stepping on the back of your shoes in their rush. it really sucks. and on top of that my allergies are bad, so i barely slept, and didn't rest at all yesterday due to being at the hospital from about 2:30pm and not getting home until around 9:30pm, having had just one small meal in all that time. ugh. and then a short, tight cough and chest pain all afternoon and evening, itchy eyes and an allergy medicine that i can only take one pill of for 24 hours. it definitely doesn't last. i definitely need something stronger than over the counter.

so yeah i am extremely tired after all of this crap today. which probably means i will call in sick tomorrow. i am sick. my body is aching and i need a mental rest day. i was thinking originally of just coming in late, but my boss still hasn't responded about talking to her boss about transitioning my position more towards editing and less towards admin work, so i don't feel the need to come to work just to make her life easier. i need to stay home away from new york city commuters, and pollen, and my aching body sitting at a desk jumping at 20 people's beck and call. i would've called out today, but i felt a responsibility to get my work done. no more of that, my responsibility should be to myself, my health and my sanity!

this blog post is excellent, short, to the point, a must read-
http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/2011/04/things-dont-make-us-happy.html

commerical girl that looks like me!

so the other day my sister sent me a screenshot from her tv of a girl who looks like me. i found the commercial she was referring to on youtube, here it is! (it's the girl with the accent obviously)

the screenshot she sent me was at the 0:13 mark when the girl is looking down. she really does resemble me in a sort of scary way! except for her narrower nose.

great blog post:
http://zenhabits.net/free/

song of the day:

you ready? let's go

some inspiring quotes i found i had saved in a computer file at work today

"We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon-instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today."
-Dale Carnegie (1888-1955);

"Do something wonderful, people may imitate it."
-Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965); French philosopher, physician

"I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love. You can find it in a simple act of kindness toward someone who needs help. There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heals our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other."
-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1926-2004); psychiatrist, author

"If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give."
- Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch (1808-1888)

"The secret of life is that all we have and are is a gift of grace to be shared."
-Lloyd John Ogilvie (b. 1930); former chaplain of the United States Senate

"Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift- there is nothing small about it."
-Florence Nightingale (1820-1910); English nurse, writer, statistician

"Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think."
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882); American poet and educator

"One kind word can warm three winter months."
-Japanese Proverb

"Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world."
-Annie Lennox (b.1954); musician

"Fashion your life as a garland of beautiful deeds."
-Buddha

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."
-Mother Teresa (1910-1997)

"Never get tired of doing little things for others. Sometimes, those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts."
-Unknown

Really, all one has to do to transform their life, Karen, is remind themselves to think and behave a little bit differently, each day.
-TUT (email notes from the universe)

and a little garbage b-side to brighten up your day

Above all be natural

Do not try to live according

to certain ideas you have

about meditation and spirituality.

Above all be natural

and do not be afraid to make mistakes. Understand, observe and be attentive.

That will do.

that meditation tip of the day came from this site - http://www.deeshan.com/

nothing like a day off to get things done. i went to get my dental check up today, the cleaning went smoothly but the dentist took my x rays and said i will need a root canal in maybe two of my teeth. that's wonderful. i don't know what else i could have done to my teeth, already had all four wisdom teeth removed, and braces, and cavities. it just never seems to end. today was cold and rainy and awful, and have a dental appointment was like the icing on the cake.

some good things though: i got my high defintion cable box and connected it, now my living room is starting to slowly come together. i need to get another couch to make it more homey and comfortable enough to invite people over for a visit. i used this new keratin shampoo that was crazy expensive that my mom bought me (in combination with the keratin conditioner) and it seems to be working. my hair came out smooth and straighter and frizz-free when i blow dried it.

i submitted some more poetry to a lit magazine tonight, it's hard to find places in the poet's market that are open to email submissions, that's kind of suprising. between reading through the listings, researching the magazines online and seeing if my work fits, and then choosing the poems and typing them up, making sure i adhere to there line length rules, and cover letter/bio guidelines, submitting poetry takes lots of time. but i was glad i was able to tear myself away from my new tv long enough to submit something.

think i will give my long neglected paper journal some attention now, since i'm rested and ready for some actual writing. and maybe some poetry reading to get the creative juices flowing again.

i'm going to try to remain natural, and treat myself more gently and kindly. it doesn't do me any good to get angry or impatient with myself, or with the world.

a couple more good quotes to inspire:

“If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things, then this is the best season of your life.”
-Wu-Men.

“Sell your possessions and give to the poor.”
-Jesus Christ

slowly disappearing into myself

i feel like a shell of the person i used to be. hard to explain.
i miss having healthy, shiny long hair.
i miss having a size 6 body with no muffin top, or pants that cut off my circulation. and the best part was having that body without any effort, strain or pain.

good news is my computer is back to being fast. something ran on it overnight , it restarted a couple of times this morning and now suddenly it's back to normal thank goodness. i also have a new tv, i time waster probably, but it's so pretty.

i had a chicken salad for dinner tonight but was still hungry, so i had some frozen grapes and was still hungry, so i had some special k cereal. god how do people starve themselves and stick to diets to lose weight? i just couldn't exercise tonight. was lacking in motivation.

sometimes i truly wonder about myself. i wonder why i'm so disconnected. i wonder why i can't try harder for things. i wonder why i am blase about most things. i wonder what goes on inside of my own head sometimes, and why i'm so eager to please people and want to feel love and acceptance all the time. and if somehow i've lost touch with the person i really am along the way while i've been trying to hide her to be able to be more acceptable. it's like living life in a bubble that you just can't break out of. it's like knowing and speaking a language that no one really gets. the desire to be alone too much isn't healthy. but sometimes being with others is too draining. i don't know, it's so hard to remain true to yourself, in a world that wants you to be just like everyone else. (i'm pretty sure that's a quote by e.e.cummings that i am mangling).

the older you get, the more you are expected to fit into a role. even if that role isn't you, and who you are can't really be explained to anyone without them worrying that you are some kind of freak. you are stuck in a box, trying to break out and find your voice, but meeting only silence.

god i hate my neighbors. trying to focus on writing this post while smelling pot smoke is seriously aggravating and annoying. having to get up constantly to spray air freshner even though you have on a scented candle is really annoying. trying to decide if i should blow dry my hair and have it look awful, or wash it and let it air dry and have it look awful, is also annoying. doctors who don't get back to you when you try to set appointments are annoying. beauty salons that are not open on mondays so you can't make an appointment for a deep conditioning with a stylist who is only there every other saturday are annoying! the clasp breaking today on my new cute orange purse, when i just bought it, is also very annoying.

the color of happiness

it was a good day. i got some very good news today at my performance review. got my new, small, bright orange cross-body purse in the mail today from asos. i am so in love with it already and was anticipating it's arrival in the mail all week long- here's a pic

song of the day - excellent song, creepy video



tomorrow is friday! and spring is here!

what i want to do versus what i have to do

what i want to do right now:

• write in my journal
• watch my favorite movies (jawbreaker, chicago, etc)
• stay up late and read
• finish reading my 'lucky' mag
• read my other two books
• write a poem
• send out an email
• call my boyfriend
• find a way to make my computer faster
• edit my own homemade style lookbooks
• read blogs
• read diet tips online
• meditate
• download some songs
• watch some episodes of futurama
• buy the perfect spring handbag- a kate moss for longchamp bag that i just fell in love with- the one pictured below- i love it!!

what i have to do right now:

• wash my hair
• wait 30 minutes for it to air dry
• blow dry my hair - even though the rain tomorrow will ruin it. i'm sick of my curls already
• sleep (got awful sleep last night)
• pick out an outfit for work tomorrow

but the good news is, my parents are bringing me over my new flat screen tv on friday night. i'm finally catching up with the times and getting a flat screen. mostly for movies and workout DVDs, and maybe the Wii fit sometime down the line. luckily i can sleep in a little tomorrow, since i worked an extra half hour today and especially if i get my hair done tonight.

there are just not enough hours in the day. workouts cut out a good part of the evenings.

down and missing my old look

so i've decided that i really miss my longer hair. recently i went to a salon and the useless stylist there cut off 2 inches of my hair and i guess that was good since it was fried out and dry, but it was still a shock and i look different, as you can see from the PA pics a few posts down. my hair is now a little past my shoulders and i want it to grow out like yesterday. just like i want to be about 10 pounds lighter immediately. but i don't know if i can achieve that or if this is just the weight that my body is. i blew it tonight and had some rice, which guarantees i have to work out all week.

anyway, it's supposed to be really warm tomorrow which means i can wet my hair and leave it in a bun all day. maybe i'll do that all week. the more i shower it seems that the faster my hair grows, and maybe it will go back to looking the way it used to before that horrible brazilian blowout i had done. i was looking at this site at all the fashion and the bloggers' long hair and it had me feeling less attractive than i could be - http://lookbook.nu/

i was incredibly sleepy all weekend for some reason, starting with friday night. maybe it was the weather and all the rain or the cloudiness. i don't know, but i woke up around 10 yesterday and then napped from 5-6 when i had wanted to go out for a walk, and then today i napped again even though i got up at like 12 noon. i slept right after dinner from like 8-12am which is just crazy, and had a bunch of crazy weird dreams, and then i woke up hungry and decided to go online for a while and have some cereal.

i really really don't want to go to work tomorrow, but such is life, we all have to work unfortunately. on friday night when i went out to eat with my parents and they were driving me home, i was remembering how nice it was to live with them and not have any worries at all, having all the energy in the world, not having to do chores and have the freedom to spend all my time writing and reading and being creative. i know i've probably said this about 1,000 times on this blog, but i really miss that carefree time. which is kind of crazy because i should be focusing on the future and turning my life into what i want it to be, instead of being nostalgic about the past. don't know if i'll be able to fall asleep again tonight but i have no choice but to try, maybe after i do some reading and pretend that the world outside doesn't exist and that i don't have to work 40 hours a week at an office in order to afford my comfortable life.

sad

i just worked out using Jillian Michal's 30 day shred. i did the level 1 section which is supposed to be easiest, and it was so hard and so painful on my legs. i guess that means its working, but god, exercises can really suck sometimes. even when you're doing it practically daily and penning it into your calendar and making it non-negotiable. my friend tells me to have patience. which of course i don't. it probably hurt alot because i did a workout last night on my legs, it was on a dvd that came with my shape up sneakers. they have a 15 and a 30 minute workout and i did both because i read that its good to work on toning the biggest muscles first, which are leg muscles.

i don't enjoy seeing my stomach in the mirror. i don't enjoy feeling heavy and my clothes feeling tight. i don't enjoy not being able to eat the foods i want to, but this is what i have to do if i want to look the way i want to look and feel good about myself. life is all about confidence right? i just want to have all the workouts done and skip ahead a month to a new body, but it doesn't happen that way. i have to put in the work.

maybe this workout was hard because of the use of hand weights which i'm not used to. it's so much easier to walk, but that takes a lot more time to burn calories and doesn't really tone you up and the weather doesn't always cooperate. i'm going out to eat tomorrow with my family for my dad's birthday, which was actually yesterday. i just hope they have salads on the menu. if not, then i have to work out twice as hard on saturday, and still find some time to get my laundry done. and sleep!

what's happened to that dream

what i'm grateful for today

1. having the first draft of my book review written (for a friend's fashion mag)

2. special k chocolate protein shakes

3. apple blossom green tea

4. this inspiring short video/poem i found today in a blog comment (not this blog obviously!) http://www.thedashmovie.com/

5. getting a day off from work in two weeks

6. the bonus i'm getting at work on friday

7. getting to wear jeans on friday to work - since i gave $10 to japan earthquake relief efforts

8. being able to resist the temptation of having chicken fried rice all this week for dinner. i should really give myself a cheat meal so i don't feel deprived.

survive me

i just finished jillian michael's blast fat, boost metabolism dvd and i feel great. definitely had to work up to that one. it's hard! but i took maybe one or two short breaks (for water) and thought i would do much worse. it's 45 minutes of nonstop cardio. i'm still sweating! i'm going to be so sore tomorrow but i'm glad i did it. i know i need to so i can maintain my weight. i used to be able to get down to a certain weight and once the pounds were lost i could go back to eating whatever i wanted. but that's not the case now, not since i hit 30. now it takes more work. those days of eating all i want to and staying thin are gone.

i hate it when i buy too much reading material and don't know what to read first. i bought the may issue of lucky magazine and also an e book (Tao-Te-Ching) by Lao Tzu, which was only $1.99 and i also have the book i bought while in PA on vacation, 'the path of the human being; zen teachings on the bodhisattva way' by Dennis Genpo Merzel. and i'm waiting for a book in the mail which should be here on monday so i can review it for my friend's fashion magazine, which will be coming out at the end of the month. the book is called 'what to wear, where' and i hope it helps me decide what kind of dress i should get for my cousin's upcoming summer wedding.

song of the day, great for exercise! and it also rivals the ultimate in angry songs post i did a while back about nonpoint's 'what a day.' i really like this song 'vulcan'- but then, i was a very angry woman in my early 20s :)



and this song is great for a walking workout, such as mine when i walk around and around a huge track at a park nearby my apartment. this is probably the best pop song ever. really! have a listen

if i had my way

i wrote the below in response to a writing prompt i found in judy reeves' writer's book of days. the prompt was 'if i had my way' and i wrote the response on 3/13/11

if I had my way
if i had my way, everything that tastes delicious would be good for you. if i had my way, children would always behave, the perfect song would always be on, passion for things would never fade, i'd have long periods of time in which there was nothing to do but sit and reflect. if i had my way, my days would be free to spend in any way i wish, instead of at a day job that i don't like because i don't know what else to do. if i had my way i would never ever be required to get out of bed and go anywhere early in the morning. if i had my way i don't think i would ever work again, and be taken care of by someone else. or if that's not possible, i would want to be able to take a month or a year off from working, to get a breather, a chance to think, and a chance to experience life the way it really is.

if i had my way i would live in a climate that is always warm and not humid- maybe around 70 degrees all the time, where it never ever snows. if i had my way, my parents would never die. if i had my way, i'd never grow old and would always be full of energy for the things i want to do and the person i want to be and the things i want to experience. if i had my way i would have the discipline to meditate, exercise and write every day. if i had my way, the daily newspaper would be filled with inspiring poems - different every day, instead of bad, scary news. if i had my way, people would be able to date for however many years they wanted to without constantly being asked about marriage and babies. if i had my way, all people would be able to live their own lives without question or input from others on how to live.

if i had my way, no one would need to hear pointless criticism about their appearance. if i had my way there would be more national holidays to allow the workforce more rest, which all human beings need. if i had my way,i'd hire a personal trainer to whip me into shape. and i would be able to write poetry as easily as i used to. every single day. if i had my way, life would always be as simple as it is now.

the hunger

Shirley Mandon's recent work with Serj Tankian (The Hunger) was released on March 1st and can now be downloaded from iTunes.
buy the song, it's great! (no surprise there)
all profits are going to Amnesty International.

some pics of my lovely weekend in pennsylvania (eagle's mere) with my bf. it was the quietest place i have ever visited, aside from the pueblo bonito resort in cabo san lucas..

i just had to bring this little bunny home with me. he's so soft and cuddly :)

best weekend in a very long time. you have to take time off sometimes. it's so important and so rejuvenating!
the best was when we were having dinner on the first night there and noticed a bunny outside the window just hopping around in the snow. talk about peaceful. it was so hard to come back to the madness of NYC/NJ.

we are still innocent

i wrote the piece below on 3/13/11 while at my boyfriend's house. he was in the other room painting. i  love our creativity days. got a lot of writing exercises done, in addition to some free writing (stream of consciousness) to empty out my overactive brain.

3/13/11

maybe it's strange or it's just me, but there is a man who gives out free newspapers every day just outside the path train station in the morning. maybe it's because he stands by the world trade center site, i don't know. but there's something in the way he separates his papers to hand them out. he holds a stack of them in his left arm, and with his right hand he pushes the top newspaper so it slides off the stack before passing it out to an awaiting commuter's hand.

something in that small gesture - the way he spreads his palm to push apart the top newspaper- something about seeing that makes me feel a deep love for all humanity, and a deep connection to all humanity. i don't know what it is, i see him do it and somehow it makes me think of innocence, it makes me imagine him as a child, and makes me think of all people as gentle and needing love, and beautiful, and innocently human.

i know nothing about this man. he may be the worst most horrible person on earth for all i know, but it doesn't change the way i feel when i see him hand out his newspapers every day. and when i do, my heart feels gratitude for another day i'm alive, for another chance to do something new, something right, and maybe even something to help someone else.

song to go with this passage:

rumi neely interview and fashion inspiration

a short video for all you fashiontoast fans, i'm late to the whole searching for rumi neely vids of youtube thing. but the way she looks in her outfits and how she puts things together and models them is so inspiring. and looking at her blog can't help but motivate you to work out!

no sleep this week / life has new meaning

the ultimate feeling angry song. i became obsessed with it years ago when my brother in law made a metal mix CD for me:



and something soft to counter that- :)