down and feeling tired

i thought about writing this entry in my regular paper journal but since hardly anyone comes here and reads i guess it's safe to air my anger and sadness and frustration here. i had a really nice weekend, don't get me wrong. i love my boyfriend and being with him is so wonderful and makes me happy, and spending time with my family while they don't take up all of my time, and getting a chance to relax. but there's still that underlying nag. that underlying nag that says i'm not doing anything special with my life, or achieving my dreams, or even managing to stay at my goal weight, and time is passing by. and it's incredibly frustrating because all of this is not for lack of trying.

i send resumes out, get a couple of interviews, but still don't get an offer so i'm stuck at my job with my boss who i'm scared of and try to avoid at all costs. i try to act professional and cheery which takes a big toll on you day after day after day when you know that your job is not your dream and at this point (i'm almost 32) i really should be at the job that is my dream, or at least on my way there. i should have been there right after college honestly, because i'm a college graduate and had all the potential in the world to be something great but i'm slaving away for someone who goes from not giving me anything to do at all, to giving me way too difficult reports which change all the time and then calling me unprofessional and insubordinate when i can't complete this report to her liking. she hasn't done it in a while but it's only a matter of time. just have to catch her on an off day.

and then there's my diet. i was craving all kinds of bad food today but didn't give into temptation , except for dinner when i had a grilled cheese sandwich, even though it was wheat bread and vegan cheese. i'm finding that even if i eat healthy and deprive myself of delicious foods (which makes me really depressed because i love food) it doesn't help at all in making my figure back to the way it was. i guess this is the reality of being in my 30s now. now it takes sweaty, uncomfortable workouts that hurt in order to keep a lean body, or at least remain a size 6 and not creep up to an 8. it is really frustrating when you feel your body holding on to fat and pounds when you are watching what you eat. i had just cereal for breakfast, and then some tea at work, oatmeal for lunch and a banana. and that's all, besides the gallons of water that i drink every day.

i couldn't exercise today because i was sore from yesterday. i was at a fourth of july barbeque where there was nothing but fattening food and alcohol, and i had to eat so there was that. i guess i didn't have to drink as much as i did but i tried to offset all the calories by dancing. by the end of the day i still had consumed too much food and drinks and my head was pounding, so i had to eat again when dinner came around just to sober up, even though i wasn't hungry. family parties are the hardest. if i don't want to eat meat, there is literally nothing else to eat and then people will assume i'm anorexic.

i want to exercise but feeling heavier really makes it hard. it's hard to find motivation to bike ride or do any kind of cardio when i don't have any equipment at home and body weight exercise is too hard and i can't seem to wake up early to exercise in the mornings, and i can't go outside and walk when it gets dark because it's not safe and the weather may not be good. i'm going on vacation next week and i can't wait for that. i'm so sick of almost bumping into people who are staring into their i phones, but that's a whole other topic.

i'm looking forward to my vacation because it will be a break from all the screens i encounter daily. i go from my blackberry, to the computer screen at work, to the tv usually for an hour or two, and then back to the computer screen again at home. i'm so tired of it all but it's like an addiction and it's hard to break the pattern whe you do the same things day after day after day. i wish i could get over my embarrassment about working out in public so i could join a gym and at least use a treadmill. i think i could walk for an hour a day if i had one, i don't think that would be bad or hard because it wouldn't be strenuous. but i think my body needs strenuous exercise in order to lose any pounds at all. and that involves jumping and sweating and everything, so i have to find a way to get into that again. i have to try and just force myself so i can feel better about my body, and feel better IN my body.

i know that i'll never be as slim as someone like rumi neely or kate moss, but i can definitely be slimmer. it's just going to take a lot of hard work and deprivation of my favorite foods once again. :(