slowly disappearing into myself

i feel like a shell of the person i used to be. hard to explain.
i miss having healthy, shiny long hair.
i miss having a size 6 body with no muffin top, or pants that cut off my circulation. and the best part was having that body without any effort, strain or pain.

good news is my computer is back to being fast. something ran on it overnight , it restarted a couple of times this morning and now suddenly it's back to normal thank goodness. i also have a new tv, i time waster probably, but it's so pretty.

i had a chicken salad for dinner tonight but was still hungry, so i had some frozen grapes and was still hungry, so i had some special k cereal. god how do people starve themselves and stick to diets to lose weight? i just couldn't exercise tonight. was lacking in motivation.

sometimes i truly wonder about myself. i wonder why i'm so disconnected. i wonder why i can't try harder for things. i wonder why i am blase about most things. i wonder what goes on inside of my own head sometimes, and why i'm so eager to please people and want to feel love and acceptance all the time. and if somehow i've lost touch with the person i really am along the way while i've been trying to hide her to be able to be more acceptable. it's like living life in a bubble that you just can't break out of. it's like knowing and speaking a language that no one really gets. the desire to be alone too much isn't healthy. but sometimes being with others is too draining. i don't know, it's so hard to remain true to yourself, in a world that wants you to be just like everyone else. (i'm pretty sure that's a quote by e.e.cummings that i am mangling).

the older you get, the more you are expected to fit into a role. even if that role isn't you, and who you are can't really be explained to anyone without them worrying that you are some kind of freak. you are stuck in a box, trying to break out and find your voice, but meeting only silence.

god i hate my neighbors. trying to focus on writing this post while smelling pot smoke is seriously aggravating and annoying. having to get up constantly to spray air freshner even though you have on a scented candle is really annoying. trying to decide if i should blow dry my hair and have it look awful, or wash it and let it air dry and have it look awful, is also annoying. doctors who don't get back to you when you try to set appointments are annoying. beauty salons that are not open on mondays so you can't make an appointment for a deep conditioning with a stylist who is only there every other saturday are annoying! the clasp breaking today on my new cute orange purse, when i just bought it, is also very annoying.