having some wine on easter sunday..

great quotes

just wanted to share a couple of good/interesting quotes i've heard lately-

'I've been eliminated, but I still have breath in my body to change my tomorrow.' - Anthony from Project Runway

‘A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.’ ~Herm Albright

i went to a boring meeting today in newark, nj, but at least it was a chance to get outside on a nice day and get away from my cubicle for a while. so that part of it was nice. the day sure goes by faster when you're not sitting in front of a computer, even when you're just sitting in a meeting listening to presentations and taking notes. and they served us lunch so that was nice too. i was dropped off in hoboken to take the train back home, and everyone was sitting outside of the bars at various happy hours. i realized just how much i miss living there, where thursday nights were always party nights and everyone was out just hanging out and having fun. here i have a nicer apartment and more space, but it's really dull and uneventful.

i'm currently rereading a book i read several years ago called 'i could do anything if i only knew what it was' by Barbara Sher. i'm hoping it inspires me to know which direction to go in my life. it's like deep down i know what i want and what i need, but all this fear is in the way. fear of what my family would think, fears of letting them down, fears of success, fears of failure. it's so hard to move forward. but i know i need to find some sort of motivation and inspiration to push me forward.

some good news is that i was recently published on a friend's fashion blog, the link to my article is:

http://www.indiecouturenyc.com/2010/03/karens-tips-on-spring-cleaning-your-wardrobe/

her blog's home page is:

http://www.indiecouturenyc.com/

oh, here's a pic of my favorite recent purchase that is making me smile :)
my cuff (i got it in the silver tone) from rachel zoe's line of jewelry and clothes on qvc.com:

silvertone one is here, i just cant save the picture-

http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/view.2/app.detail/params.item.J148165.desc.Rachel-Zoe-Scroll-Design-Bracelet

cross found at ground zero

here are a couple of pics i took at the cross formation of beams found at Ground Zero 2 days after the world trade center attacks on 9/11/01. i pass by it every day on my way to work. it's a humbling reminder of the fragility of life and to not take anything for granted and be grateful every day.

brenda walsh/prue halliwell/gage sullivan/heather romly

i'm not really big on reality tv, but when i found out that one of my favorite stars, shannen doherty, was going to be on dancing with the stars, i had to watch the show. it was the first time ever. shannen doherty has been my girl crush for a really long time. meaning, that i admire her style, her beauty and her attitude, and would like to emulate her. there are some people that just fascinate you, and she's one of those people for me.

i have all her cheesy made for tv movies, and her episodes of charmed on DVD. i follow her clothing and jewelry choices, make up and hairstyles too. people think she is weird looking, but i think she's so pretty! maybe i'm weird. anyway, she chose to do dancing with the stars because of her father. he's a big fan of the show and he recently had a major stroke, so she decided to do the show (after being invited on for every season) as a gift to her dad to make his dream come true. such a loving thing to do.

i thought she danced well, maybe a bit nervously, since it was the first episode. but still really well, there were some complicated dance moves in the choreography chosen for her that must've been really nerve wracking to attempt in front of a live audience, and that show is also broadcast live which i had no idea. that's real pressure. she's not the most graceful dancer, but can probably get better with practice. this show really makes you want to go out dancing or take dance classes. it just looks like they are having so much fun. it's kind of corny in a way and i'll probably stop watching when and if shannen gets eliminated, but at least it's tolerable.

the premiere episode was two hours long though, which i can't stand. i hate it when a show eats up my whole night. i can't sit in front of the tv screen for two hours straight, i have to get up during the commercials and clean my bathroom, or wash dishes or make my lunch for the next day, or iron my clothes. i heard that only the premiere is that long, so thank goodness.

technological world

today during my commute, i was thinking about all the options i have to occupy myself with on the way to and from work. i can choose to listen to any song from my entire music library on my ipod, or read a book on my sony e-reader, or read an actual book (like the one i bought today, the crystal bible), or i can take out my cell phone and call someone, or i can take out my blackberry and check my work and my personal email. it's kind of ridiculous that i have so many choices! it's enough to boggle the mind.

today, i chose music. my favorite song of the moment is:





and i currently can't wait to read this:



tomorrow is friday! i'm so happy. and it looks like spring has finally arrived. a friend of mine from work asked me to write an article for her fabulous blog, http://indiecouturenyc.com/. so i'm currently working on it. it's due on tuesday and i'm kind of nervous! i wrote the first draft out today but i want to try to take some pictures and submit them to go with the article. it was a lot of fun to write. i guess writing is what i'm really meant to do. it felt so great to write that article while i was bored at work today, maybe because i had a real chance to use my mind and compose something again. not complaining about being bored at work though! it has been a welcome break from all the craziness that had me pulling my hair out a few weeks ago. c'est la vie

50 more things to let go of

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication." ~ Leonardo DaVinci

in the spirit of that quote, i decided to throw out fifty more things, inspired by the book of the same name. i don't have the author's name at the moment, but her site is throwoutfiftythings.com. i don't think i made it to 50 the last time i tried to do this project, so i thought i should just start over and start from 50 again. here is my list of cast offs so far:

1. old pillow
2. poem book
3. simplicity book
4. address book (extra)
5. bus schedule (never used)
6. old photos/postcards
7. horoscope book
8. alarm clock manual
9. cards
10. grey pants
11. throw out fifty things book (read twice)
12. pilled purple sweater
13. old blue sweater
14. old shampoo (used a little)
15. bottle of rum (very old!)
16. camera case
17. comic book
18. taking woodstock book (got free at a class)
19. scarf
20. magazine
21. happy for no reason- book
22. lit from within - book
23. book of sonnets, edna st. vincent millay

364 love and & desire show

here are a couple of pictures from the galler 364 show which featured my picture.

in the end, only kindness matters

my favorite song of the moment, for some reason it was haunting around my mind today..

shopping, and other distractions

i spent a fun family day yesterday with my sister, nephew and my parents at my sister's house. occupying my nephew while my sister did housework and being entertained by him was interesting. i can't believe how crazy it is to take care of a three year old. he's adorable, but wow it's a lot of work! i don't know how people who have children do it, seems so overwhelming. even for someone like my sis who has infinite patience. i was glad to spend time with them though, not having a car makes visits like that pretty difficult.

i was thinking tonight about my life overall, as i tend to do on sunday nights when faced with another work week. i start to think about my deep down dreams that i barely ever spoke about to anyone but myself. and i start to wonder, what's really holding me back from going for them and leaving behind my regular life? i start to remember all those things i read in encouraging books and heard in motivational tv programs, or inspirational quotes that i have kept and liked reading. and i start to really say to myself, i need to seize the day, this isn't a dress rehearsal, we only go around once, and all this stuff and i start to feel like my day job is a waste of time. i distract myself reading books and magazines, watching movies and tv but then i wonder, how is all that really serving me and what i want my life to be?

when i started to workout and see my body change, i felt a suddent brief rush when i glimpsed what my life could be. i could be someone with the type of body that i always dreamed of having but never thought it possible. maybe i don't go for my dreams because i don't feel they are possible, therefore sabotaging them before they have a chance to begin. and i think well, if i buy these clothes or this thing that i want then i'll feel better, i'll feel i'm working hard for a reason, and i'll feel special and like i'm treating myself. but what's the point of having money and buying things if your day job doesn't make you feel happy and fulfilled all the time? or is at least interesting and satisfying to you? these are the things i ponder almost every sunday night, before i get swallowed up by the work week and it's stresses. i want to work towards a life that makes me happy, not one that allows me to simply come home and buy something or watch a movie and try to escape. life is going no where if we don't face ourselves and question.

i remember once reading somewhere that the older you get, the only thing that gets better are your clothes. i don't think that's entirely true. i'm definitely more confident then i used to be, but i still strive to have a wardrobe full of clothes that i love and that express who i am, not clothes that bore me or that i simply tolerate. in this recent picture, i actually love all that i am wearing, the yellow dress, the gray cardigan, the great green bracelet that i love so much, and you can't see them but i wore these really cute brown boots that day. it was one of those rare moments where everything came together the right way. it sure is nice to finally be able to buy clothes and shoes without feeling guilty and without incurring debt. my bf took the pic.

my photo at gallery 364

i can't believe its going to be another snow storm tomorrow night! if not i could've gone to this gallery show/reception where a picture of mine will be featured, the photographer's name is Louis Licciardi.


this is the photo he took of me last December at a cafe near my apartment that has since closed down. i posed in front of a wall mural/painting.


below is the invite for the show describing the theme-

wishing you luck Louis!!

You're Invited!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25th, 2010 Opening Time: 7PM-10PM (Press Welcome)
FEBRUARY ART COMPETITION THEMED "LOVE/DESIRE"
Show Open Thru March 20th, 2010 by appointment

Greetings!
Please join us at Gallery 364 "Bay Ridge's First Art Gallery & Studio" for our Feb. Competition LOVE/DESIRE. OUR GUEST JUDGES ARE: PAINTER DAVID JON KASSAN, AND PHOTOGRAPHERS ANTHONY ALMEIDA, & GARY HELLER.
WINNING ARTWORK FROM OUR "HUMOR" SHOW WILL ALSO BE ON DISPLAY.
Be sure to stop off on the porch for a free massage demo with massage therapist Christine Hernandez from The Green Spa & Wellness Center.
Noshes Provided by Ming Yu and Chris Chou at Gyotaku Sushi & Pierre of Circles & Canteena.
$5 suggested donation at door. (noone will be turned away) Recieve a free raffle ticket w/donation for a chance to win a couples massage (a $200 value). Prizes donated by The Green Spa and Wellness Center and HOM.
LOVE/DESIRE ART OPENING

DATE: FEBRUARY 25TH, 2010
TIME: 7PM-10PM
LOCATION: 364 72ND STREET
TRANSIT: 'R' TRAIN TO BAY RIDGE AVE.(69th st.) click for more info
WE HOPE TO SEE YOU HERE!
Georgine Benvenuto
Gallery 364
email: georgine@gallery364.com
phone: 917-767-3848
web: http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?et=1103088425324&s=245&e=001DWnqb7b7vIpcoMlsCiuFn24_0KjZgcFmt4WqCjnZA2clABg9I6QIo7gk8215UoKTTvotjlUApBJD6BmjRkA795LKjgle9dG2Xh1oTrvVZ7enb05HHpvXcA==

what happened?

what happened to my artist's soul?
somewhere along the way it got lost
amongst too many cups of coffee
too many sleepless nights
and out went my ear for poetry
the language betraying me.
I turned around one day, it was gone
I was drowning suddenly in deceit
in this lie I started living
and somewhere in my tears that have all
dried up, my artist's soul remains
crying out with no voice
straining against the city backdrop
of countless conversations, constant
indifference, an endless row of cold
shoulders. somewhere there's the me
longing to take a photo but I
am weighed down, trying to grasp
onto the minutes futily, I know
there's no stopping time, no slowing
for my energy to peak again, to
let out the voices in my head with a
writer's pen, I'm just not ready
to say goodbye yet.

workweek woe

lately i've been really dreading mondays, much more than a regular person, and longing for fridays to come. the weeks just feel so long because i've had a lot of stress and extra work recently and have been hating my boss a little more each day. i really try not to go into work with a negative attitude, but honestly it's hard to really care about making a good impression sometimes. i don't really have anything tying me to this job and it wouldn't be a major tragedy or anything if i were to lose it. they really like me and the way i work mostly, but sometimes i wonder if i'm expected to be perfect all the time. i can't be, i'm human.

my boss got on my case for forgetting to remind her about two conference meetings she needed to have, on a day when i was working on another project for her with a more urgent deadline and i was also sick. she seems to think i can do 5 things all at once, and do them all well. i'm sorry but i just can't. rather than get myself super stressed and anxious, i consciously tell myself to slow and relax and let some things go and just do my best. that's the only way i can work. and if some of the work must be put off then so be it. this job isn't my life and my boss doesn't seem to get that. i actually bought a lottery ticket today for the first time in so long! that's usually the first sign that i'm tired of my job and need a change. i won $5 so maybe i'll go buy two more tickets with that tomorrow.

she went home early today due to feeling sick and when she left i had the most immediately great feeling of relief, like i could finally work in peace on all the emails she sent me last night with things that she needed done without constant interruptions and phone calls from her. monday mornings are hard enough without added stress. i really want a slower paced job, i'm not the workaholic type. work is just not that important to me. i'm looking forward to when i can look for work in publishing. luckily, this job with this nightmare boss has at least given me more confidence with which to deal with other types of people. that should make me a bit less afraid of a big change in my daily life. i'm just not looking forward to training someone to take my place. the job is way too complicated to actually teach to someone else.

i can't wait for the springtime to come. i'm so tired of my big winter coat. thankfully next week is march already. i can't stand working in new york city and having it be too cold to really go anywhere after work. it's such a waste! i've lived in the area of NYC all my life and there is still so much of it that i haven't seen or explored. i'm starting to get cabin fever!

joyous movie

i rented mamma mia this weekend, the movie that came out last summer with amanda seyfried and meryl streep, and i forgot what a feel good movie it is. sure, people think its corny and silly but i really love it because it puts me in such a great mood, and the music is wonderful and magical. my favorite scene in the whole film comes right at the end, when amanda's character sophie is saying goodbye to her three potential fathers and her mother, and sailing away to see the world with her boyfriend. there is an absolutely breathtaking shot of the 3 men standing on the pier, their backs to the camera, and her mother waving her red shawl saying goodbye to sophie on the boat in the distance. it was actually filmed during the day, according to the commentary, and then they enhanced the lighting digitally later to make it appear to be night. it might be one of the loveliest, dreamiest scenes i have ever seen placed on film. i forgot how gorgeous it was. you have to really see the movie to get the full effect of the colors and the moonlight, but here is a link on youtube that will have to do for now of the scene i'm writing about-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVLBb3tdUXo

its so amazing, and the way amanda sings that song 'i have a dream' is so beautiful too. this scene makes me want to be in the movies!

hope for haiti

i just bought this necklace/bracelet (it can be worn two ways) from a link from the site rachelzoe.com, which i've been checking almost daily lately. i really think the necklace is pretty, i will probably wrap the cord around my wrist and wear it as a bracelet. the cord is green and only the gold H is left, here is the link if anyone is interested. it only costs $10 and is for the benefit of the earthquake victims in haiti.

http://www.rachelzoe.com/help-haiti-hope

here's a quote from rachel's blog entry about this charity necklace-
"you will stay en vogue while all proceeds go directly to aid the children who are suffering from the earthquake’s effects."

the people in haiti definitely need those $10 more than i do, so i feel its only right. i also texted to the number to give from my cell phone bill, and donated through my job. my company has raised $65,000 in total for haiti earthquake relief, and i have to say i'm pretty proud of that.

yes!

so i finally lost another pound when i weighed myself this morning!! so happy to be seeing progress! i guess all the sacrifice and eating right did pay off, and i feel better too. eating the right foods is so important. i'm down to 123 lbs now, so if i can get down to 120, it'll be perfect. i know i can get there!

they moved me a new, more spacious cube at work, so that made me happy this week, and will probably make it a little easier to go into work tomorrow, knowing that my scenery will be a little different. also, it's in a corner so it's more private, which is nice, and closer to the windows. i told my mother and she said it was good that they moved me because it's beneficial to shift stale energy around sometimes. she is so right. that's why she's my mom, we think so alike when it comes to things like that.

my weekend plans fell through, but i was kind of glad about that because it's still bitterly cold outside. i'm proud of myself for being able to get my body in shape in the dead of winter, without the benefit of working out outside, and the temptation to overindulge in food. now i just need to keep it up!

boss from hell

it's so hard to work at the pace i have been working. bosses, i truly believe, can easily forget that the person working for them is a human being. at least the bosses i've had in my life. i've had bosses talk down to me, ask the impossible of me, and its all i can do to keep it together and not blow up. i try so hard to be pleasant, professional and enthusiastic, but when it comes down to it, we are all there for the paycheck. and i personally, don't really give a shit about the work i'm doing. sure, i do it well and take pride in a job well done, but it's not going to dictate my life or make me work more than 40 hours a week if i absolutely don't have to.

there are currently two VPs in my department. the one who is not my boss is kind, sweet, very independent, hardly asks anything of his assistant, who just started by the way a few months ago, is only 21 years old and has had basically no time with the company. she gets to leave at 3pm on fridays as long as she makes up her 40 hours a week. the other VP is my boss, the tyrant. she has her days when she's ok, nice. but i honestly dread when she's in the office. even if she's not there, she'll repeatedly call me, like she did today. i try to see her as a human being, a mom, a regular person. but when she comes at me with this attitude like i'm simple minded or dumb or should be able to read her mind, that's when i get angry. i'm not a miracle worker. i'm a human being. yes i work fast, but i have limits, and right now my workload is becoming way too much to bare.

she actually called me today to have me check her office to see if she had left her cosmetics case in there. i searched all around and found nothing, i couldn't miss it, it's a huge case, and when i let her know. she said 'oh i was sure it was in there,' and i said i looked all around and it wasn't. and we actually had to talk about this insignificant thing. was that really necessary? she has me there on the phone in silence, i have no idea what she expected me to say. i wasn't lying to her. then she called me back to have the delivery guys send her laptop to the office where she was working, so i had to remove it from the dock, and let the guys know to come get it. then she calls me back a third time and asks me to look up some numbers on a spreadsheet that i sent out to her which she could have easily checked, and tell them to her over the phone. then she called back and asked me to do the same thing from another spreadsheet.

then she called back to say that the updates she needed for a meeting were not the latest updates, when all i did was copy and paste what her managers had sent me last week as their latest update. we kept going back and forth, 'but what are all these dates' and so on. and i said 'that's what they sent, that's the latest update, that's what i sent to you. and she says 'you need to coordinate this with them' and that's not what i was told, i was told to copy and paste the new information they send me into the spreadsheet, so i DID. i was like, what the hell do you want??? and finally she tells me to put the date of the next meeting, after arguing with me about when the last meeting was and the dates should follow it, like i would check, i'm just going by the data i was SENT. UGH!! then she says she doesn't know who submitted which update, so it follows that she should ask me to separate them by name which she eventually does, but i had no way of knowing that this is what she wanted. she could have easily taken my update, communicated with her OWN team to find out who submitted what, and that would be that. but no, i have to do each and every little step.

and the workload just keeps piling on, there are so many things that she asks me to keep track of that i feel like i'm losing my mind. it's hard to keep it all straight. not to mention that i also have requests coming in from her team all the time for things they need. i feel like i'm directly assisting about 5 people. not an easy task for one person. i feel like i want to quit. its all just becoming too much and i don't know why i'm putting up with it and keeping up some fucking happy face. there are other more important things in life, like living and being healthy, than dealing with 5 emails from one person (either my actual boss or her director, or one of her 4 managers) sent from 6-9pm each night asking me for all different things, so the stress begins before i even get to work. i don't know why i always end up with these bosses from hell. but i decided to actually pray tonight for some sort of solution to this, because i don't know what else to do. a good friend once gave me a small card that says 'cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee.' so i'm going to try that, just writing out my prayers and pleading to him. i don't care about how much i earn anymore. my salary is higher than what my needs are. most of it is just sitting in the bank. there's no reason for me to have to deal with this much stress. it's not worth it at all.

i've been at my company since 2003. don't i deserve to leave early on fridays sometimes???
too bad i called in sick last tuesday, or i'd totally be staying home tomorrow and calling in sick. i'm exhausted.

fitness progress report

well i didn't give up, kept up the weight loss/fitness plan and i think it's finally starting to pay off. i was just getting a bit impatient. it's not easy giving up your favorite things, like chocolate! and having smaller portions of things like rice, and exercising like a crazy person and have the results be slow in coming. but finally i'm down to about 3-4 pounds from my goal weight. so i'm so relieved!

for some reason, when i go for walks, the weight comes off faster. i went for a long one hour walk this past saturday and ended up discovering a very big park near my apartment. i passed by it a few times when i've been driven somewhere and always forgot exactly where it was located, but i found it on my walk and i was happy i did. it has a really huge race track and people were running/jogging/power walking on there, which was inspiring, also there were lots of hilly paths with inclines which are good for walking quickly on and burning more calories.

there are basketball courts there too and a small boardwalk overlooking the water where lots of people were wandering around, walking their dogs, or taking pictures. there was even a small wedding party there taking pictures. now that i know this park is so close, i have somewhere nice to walk to when i feel like going for a walk, instead of just the boring streets or the main street with all the heavy foot traffic and shops and restaurants (and the temptations to window shop which usually leads to actual shopping). also, now i have more of an incentive to finally buy a bike and go bike riding again when the weather gets warm. i used to bike ride all the time.

with my music on during the walk, the time flew by, and it was a hell of a lot easier and more fun than the 1 hour cardio DVD i've been suffering through the past few weeks. so i'm going to continue eating right and exercising, and sacrificing my favorite foods a while longer to see if i can get in bikini-ready shape for my upcoming family cruise this summer!

discouraged

i've been getting discouraged lately. no weight lost and i've been doing my exercise plan and eating right since 1/4/2010. shouldn't i be seeing some weight loss by now? it's upsetting me and making me feel like there's no point to wearing makeup and dressing well, because what's the point if i work so hard and can't be thin and can't change my body? i don't know what else to do.
:(

should i cut my calorie intake even more? exercise more often and do different kinds of exercise? i don't want to get into the dangerous territory, but i'm getting desperate because i don't feel like myself and this is taking too long. i keep going up and down two pounds and not losing any more than that. i am not eating any chocolate or pasta, only salads when i eat out and fruits, vegetables and yogurt if i get hungry at night. i was looking at some weight loss pills today but most of them contain a lot of caffeine which i don't want to do to my body because it could have a negative effect on my anxiety. i feel stuck :(

new year so far

ok, so i've been sticking to my excercise and diet plan pretty well. i'm pleasantly surprised with myself and proud of myself. i don't have to feel like a lazy, hopeless slob anymore. i tried the tracy anderson dance cardio workout, but that turned out to be difficult because it takes time to learn the choreagraphed dance routines she teaces on the dvd. i wanted to put in a cardio workout DVD and get straight to sweating and burning calories, so i bought Jillian Michaels: Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism (2008) DVD and it's great! jillian says very motivating things during the workout that encourage you to keep going and that's what i like most.

it's pretty difficult and there are a few moves i still can't do, but even skipping or modifying those moves and pushing through the rest of the DVD makes me sweat a lot and feel majorly sore. i could barely move the day after i did it the first time, but that's a good feeling, because it means my muscles are toning up, and feeling sore reminds me that i need to eat well because i am working so hard on improving how my body looks. i was really craving chocolate tonight after dinner, but i drank water and resisted the craving, and it worked. i did the workout DVD and had some apple slices with peanut butter as a snack later on.

its nice to workout and feel that i'm doing something that can result in my feeling better about myself again, and more confident. it makes me realize i'm in control, of how my body looks, how i feel, my energy level, and the food i choose to eat. i try to consciously make healthier choices no matter where i am. it's not always an easy thing, especially when i'm faced with visiting my parents and having my mother's cooking. but i persevere. i ask her to make me vegetables with chicken instead of rice. and i skip dessert, and drink only water with dinner. sometimes i slip up and have a (rare) soda or an iced tea, but i make sure to always have water with dinnner even if i end up drinking something else too. water before meals also helps me feel fuller.

for the first time in a while this weekend, i finally got the urge to write again. and i can only write when i feel good about myself and who i am, so that's a good sign. if i feel like writing again then that means that i feel like myself again.

favorite song of the moment

my fitness goals

i'm so glad that tonight i finally got the motivation to exercise. i'm such a no exercise person, that this was truly difficult. but i'm in the struggle to lose about 5-7 pounds right now, and just eating less doesn't seem to be working like it used to. i have to be more active and burn more calories than i'm taking in, so those last stubborn pounds will go away. so i worked out for about 50 minutes tonight. tomorrow i will make it an hour. i decided that my workout time will be from 8-9pm every night, after i eat a light dinner at around 7pm.

i did hundreds of crunches-both standing and sitting, some squats, jumping jacks, and leg lifts while lying down. i hate the feeling of my thighs rubbing together, and there's nothing that makes a girl want to eat dinner less than coming home from work, undressing, and seeing a protruding stomach. and it sucks to know that this is my body, regardless of how little i seem to eat. i don't quite get it. so i did a few things, i looked up some jillian michaels exercise mini videos online and learned how to do stand up crunches for the abs from those, and i ordered a cardio dance workout DVD from trancy anderson, who claims to be able to make any woman 'smaller.' and god, how i want to be smaller. not super thin, just thin enough to fit back into my pants again.

i found myself wearing the same two pairs of pants for work over and over, and other days just skirts and tights, because i no longer fit into anything else. and that's when the frustration comes in. but now i'm really serious and won't let anything deter me from getting my nice body back. i also rented a video about the vegan lifestyle from netflix, which i should be getting tomorrow. it shows you how to shop for healthy foods and what foods to avoid to improve health. people who have given up meat say that weight loss is one result, also having a lighter feeling and more energy. so it seems worth considering.

and the first thing that happens when i decide this is that my mom invites me to a colombian restaurant for my aunt's birthday this weekend. i had to make up an excuse and turn her down. i'm not 21 anymore, simply eating in moderation the day after a big meal won't work anymore. and colombian restaurants have no salads or anything light on their menus, and their portions are huuuuuge!!!! they are seriously huge, like a 2 person dinner is usually served for each person. no thanks, don't want to derail myself now when i actually feel motivated.

i was looking up online to see if i could find those sketchers shape up sneakers that help you tone up while you walk, they are really expensive, i had no idea. i don't really want to wait for them to come in the mail, so i'll probably go to dsw tomorrow or friday to buy them. i wonder why it is that anti anxiety medication puts a stop to your metabolism so you balloon up. maybe they work by getting you focused on losing weight instead of obsessing over how anxious you feel? and why is it that birth control makes you steadily gain weight the longer you take it? and why does aging make your metabolism slow down? and why does everything seem to cause weight gain???

jennifer's body

tonight i watched jennifer's body. a movie i rented just out of curiosity. i wondered what it was about megan fox that people find so irresistible and amazing. and i still don't really know. she's conventionally pretty i guess. but also a bit hard to watch. maybe because she doesn't seem to be quite human. so i guess the role in this movie was a good choice for her. she was strangely convincing. i was expecting a lot more gore considering the movie's premise- a demonic cheerleader who likes to eat boys. but there actually wasn't that much. the writer of this movie, diablo cody, also wrote 'juno' which i haven't seen but had such a buzz around it that i assumed she was a good writer, like tina fey, or someone like that who knows how to be clever with humor. but the dialogue and snappy comments in this movie, jennifer's body, just fall flat and seem to be there just for shock value or to offer quotables like movies that are cult classics. 'heathers' comes to mind, no one can beat that film's one liners like:

veronica:
'Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful. '

jason dean:
'Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.'

heather:
'Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerberg is going to let you play their reindeer games. '

heather:
'did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?'

jason dean:
'everyone's life has got static. is your life perfect?'

jennifer's body is not really a cult classic. it was a bit disturbing, but not really that scary, and not really that funny either. i don't think the writer knew what tone to go for with it because it seemed all over the place. it seems like it was made just as a vehicle to make money, to profit on the name of megan fox and her looks, and the fame of diablo cody. it could've been a lot better, and was pretty disappointing. the netflix rental didn't have any featurettes on it either (which i really hate), only previews . i read that the official dvd of jennifer's body contains deleted scenes and a featurette, i'm a bit curious to watch those if only to see megan fox's real personality. if she has one, that is.

pic

here's a pic of me and a friend from work at our company christmas party. many drinks were had by all..

the world needs more Shirley Manson

this clip is hilarious, thank God for the internet or i would've missed it.

i was quoted in another blog :)

it's kind of a nice feeling

i provided the last quote featured in this blog post by the author of a favorite book of mine-
and he used a sentence from my comment as the title of his post.

http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/2009/12/no-shame-in-taking-nap_17.html


Clutter Busting Blog
Visit www.clutterbusting.com!

a great book

just got through reading this book, requiem for a paper bag, edited by Davy Rothbart, creator of Found Magazine and the Found books. Its a must-read!! my favorite story in this book is called 'the old clerk's diary' by katherine dunn

one of my favorite videos

i love watching the dance that starts at 2:15 in-

smell some flowers

12. smell some flowers

i think i've only bought myself flowers once or twice in my entire life. having plants around is supposed to make you more efficient at work and less stressed/anxious at home. yet somehow i always forget to buy them. i even live really close to a huge flower shop, but have never stepped foot inside. i really love yellow flowers of all kinds, and confetti roses, and of course the classic red roses. i also like tulips. the last bouquet i bought myself was a dozen purple tulips at the supermarket. they lasted a pretty long time and looked so pretty on my windowsill in my living room.

lately i've been considering buying fake plastic flowers, just so i can have something to put in the vases i have at work that's pretty to look at and has some color. i think smelling flowers can have a calming effect, and it's not the same if you just have some rose scented candle or body wash or whatever, its just not as pure a fragrance. i've read that plants help to purify the air of toxins and just make you feel better when you are around them, so i think that makes them worth the money to purchase.

here's a pic of a pretty bouquet my boyfriend gave me once

share your feelings

11. share your feelings

sharing feelings can be hard to do. i tend to share mine here on this blog, or in my personal paper journals. not having many close friends i can confide in, and lots of people in my life who would rather talk about themselves and cut me off, i often end up sharing my feelings with my boyfriend, which makes me wonder sometimes how he can still stand to be with me! I generally have trouble opening up to other people though, and deepening friendships that are basically co-workers and acquaintances.

it's important to share feelings though because they can take you over if you don't. holding feelings inside is dangerous and unhealthy for your mind and body and spirit. the last thing you want to have happen is for stress to take over. my mom always told me that when i find myself in a situation where i feeling like crying, then i should cry, and if i find myself in a situation where i feel like screaming, i should scream. it's natural, human and healthy. it's not something of course that comes up often, but when it does, i don't see anything wrong with expressing your emotions, and unburdening yourself.

everyone needs some sort of outlet. feelings of stress or pressure can be alleviated by exercise for some, or calling a friend or a parent, or doing some art work, writing, playing music, scrap booking or other creative task. people write comments here saying that they relate to what i say which is so great, it that makes me think that my feelings are justified and there's nothing wrong with them. we all experience life our own way, and what we feel as we live is telling of who we are and what our story is. it's much better to share your feelings, rather than pretend they don't exist and live in denial. being truthful with yourself and other people is a great relief when you remember to do it. i often ask myself how do i really feel? instead of wondering how things should make me feel. If you open up and share your feelings, you might find that you are not alone in the way that you feel. And that can be amazing.

10. organize your space

10. organize your space

this is easier said then done sometimes, especially when you're tired. but for me personally, it lowers my energy every time i encounter a mess, and sometimes its worth it to spend that extra time washing dishes and picking up, because things tend to accumulate if you don't do that. i hate looking at a pile of junk mail, or not knowing where a particular item of clothing is in my closet. i like organization. at home and at work, though at work it can be a little more difficult to keep track of all the files that need saving and reference.

seeing an organized space contributes to your peace of mind. i remember when i went to see the apartment that i eventually moved into and none of my things were in there yet, and i was just looking at an empty fresh space. what a nice calming thing that was to see. no clutter, no mess, no papers, no junk, no dust, nothing. i often think back to that feeling when i try to convince myself to clear out some clutter. it drives me a little crazy when things are out of place.

this reminds me of that show on A&E called ‘hoarders,’ talk about scary! those people deal with a mental illness and a compulsive need to keep things and it gets really out of control. i can't understand how people can live that way without losing their minds. sometimes it takes the cleaning crews days to clear out one of their houses and they need to use shovels and face masks. it's fascinating in a way, to see what people decide to keep, what they see as having value and are unwilling to part with.

i've always wanted my life and my space to be as simple as possible, and i keep trying for that all the time. i know i probably have too much stuff, and too many clothes i don't really use much, but it's really hard to let go of things that you have paid for. on the other hand, i do get the most use out of the things i love, and some of my clothing and purses and shoes i've had for several years. i'd rather hold on to something i really like then to go out shopping a lot for clothes. it's hard because it's affordable, and attractive, and fun to shop for, but then i find myself running out of hangers to hang my clothes and realize that i need to clear some of it out.

use affirmations

9. use affirmations

affirmations are something that i could never really get into, but i suppose they do work for some people. you have to have discipline to remember to tell them to yourself. i saw a show last night on TV about people who have won lotteries and how it changed their lives. there was one guy who was reading a book about positive thinking, when he noticed an ad in the paper for a raffle. the raffle was $150 to enter to win a choice of one of two houses, or $1 million in cash. and he ended up winning and choosing the money.

there was another man on the same show who had an affirmation written on his bathroom mirrors. it said something to the effect of 'you are looking at the source of all your happiness.' i found that to be really interesting and really profound. i think affirmations work a lot like gratitude, in that you choose to focus on the positive, instead of lamenting over the negative state of things in your life. you change your focus and expect the good things. and being thankful for the good things is always attracting more of those good things into your life.

when i say my prayers, i usually thank God for all of my blessings, because i know i am fortunate and i don't take things for granted. it's not good to pray just to ask god for help, you need to thank him as well for all he has done for you. i am healthy and have a good job, a wonderful family, a lovely and loving boyfriend, i'm making more friends every day and getting more confident, i know where my next meal is coming from, i have a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep, i am able to support myself, all these things are blessings and there are so many more. i expect to always be taken care of by God, i expect good things and happy experiences and positive people, so that has to be my experience. i will not settle for less.

celebrating my sweetie's birthday

here are some pics of our celebration last night with him, me and my parents,

(i'm wearing my new fireball necklace from molly sims for HSN. god i love that thing!! and my bf too of course ;)

let go and let God

8. let go and let God

this advice is very sound and can be very comforting. especially for people like me who always want control over every situation, and who get disappointed when things don't turn out the way they were expecting. not everything can go as planned all the time, and we only stress ourselves out by trying to fight against the flow of life. sometimes, there's just nothing else you can do, but wait something out and leave the outcome in God's hands. let go of control and just surrender.

there are times when letting go and letting God seem impossible, but we need to have trust and faith that things are for the best, and the lessons we learn as humans will only make us better in the end. i used to think things like: when will i find love? when will i be happy? when will i know my purpose? When will I feel like part of a group of friends? but it's pointless to try to predict the future. we can only live now and what's important is accepting who we are and how life is. this leads to peace of mind, it ends fruitless resistance. it's ok to be gentle with ourselves, admit we have faults and have made mistakes, and simply try to improve.

nothing can ever be perfect, or exactly as we want it, because we are human, not angels. and this is earth, not heaven. there will be struggles and hardships but there will also be blessings and happiness too. and little things to take pleasure in. and little moments that remind you of why you are alive, and those are the ones that matter most.

7. see a comedy

7. see a comedy

as far as a stress relief, laughter really helps. this reminds me of a father's day barbecue i went to once at my aunt's house a few summers ago. we didn't watch a comedy together, but for some reason all my cousins were in a silly mood and we spent the whole afternoon laughing and joking together about everything. it was nonstop. and at the end of the day, i literally felt like a great weight had been lifted off of me, and i remember saying, wow, i needed that! i had absolutely no tension left in my body whatsoever.

seeing a comedy, if its a good one, can probably have the same effect. you let go of worries, stop taking things so seriously, and revel in the silly side of life. my favorite comedies are the ones with jim carrey (ace ventura). the hot shots spoof movies were funny too. chris rock's HBO special show called 'bigger and blacker' was hilarious. there are not too many funny comics out there, but maybe i'm just not in the habit of watching much comedy. i was told that i had to see 'the hangover' and some other movies like napoleon dynamite that i just never got around to seeing.

of course nothing beats the 'don't fear the reaper' sketch with will farrell, the belly shirt, the cowbell, and christopher walkin on SNL.

leave five minutes earlier

6. leave five minutes earlier

this tip really helps a lot. i know that when i give myself more time in the morning, i'm much less frazzled starting and throughout my day. it may seem like common sense, but it makes a big difference. i usually wake up early enough so that i can have some breakfast before leaving for work. i don't know how people can skip breakfast. usually, the idea and anticipation of eating is what gets me up and out of bed.

it's hard to get up early. really hard on some days, especially winter days, but i try to do as much as possible to prepare for the next day on the night before. i pick out what i'm wearing, iron it and make my lunch for the next day, and it saves me a lot of time. it's also best to have a few free minutes before work starts to go get a coffee or something like that, which i usually do. i hate having to rush. and for me it's particularly an issue because i have to punch in for work. meaning, i have to click into a program that records the time i arrive and leave everyday. its annoying. but that's how things are.

i wish i could meditate in the morning, but that's one thing that i'm way too sleepy for at that time. i could only meditate at night. and i would need to get up very early to get it done in the morning, before my upstairs neighbors get up and start walking around. and i'm just not able to get up that early most of the time. i always wished the work day was from 10am to 4pm or something more tolerable like that. i don't feel fully awake until around 11am anyway. then i'm glad i'm not home lounging and that i have a job to go to.

get a massage

5. get a massage

this is one of my all time favorite things to do! but i don't do it as often as i should. usually if they are done right, you leave feeling like a brand new, rejuvenated person. i remember once going to a salon to get a haircut and there was a new shampoo girl. she washed my hair and gave me this amazing, slow, and luxurious cranial massage that left me so relaxed, it was the best! i never saw her at that salon after that so oh well, i need to find out where else they provide that kind of service.

i've been curious to try out acupuncture, supposedly it doesn't hurt that much and really does wonders for anxiety and stress levels in the body. it works with the 'chi' energy in the body and ensures that it is flowing properly and well. the same idea goes into tai chi, which is kind of like a moving meditation, where you stretch and move the body to help the chi energy circulate, or something to that effect. i'm probably not describing it well, but maybe you have heard of it and know what i mean.

massages are weird because it's hard to get perfectly comfortable. usually i find that the room is too cold, or the lotion used is too cold, or something else is slightly off that makes it hard to relax, but in the right setting, it can be a godsend. we live so often in our minds that it's nice to be reminded of our physical bodies, and be brought back down to earth for a while. i think most people need that. i've been trying to get myself a massage every month, but i hardly ever do it and i definitely should.

review your purpose

4.review your purpose

this tip is pretty vague. and seems like it might result in more stress, not less! reviewing your purpose is what most people spend their time not doing, and distracting themselves from doing. but it's worth taking some reflection and time. they say when people are nearing their 30th birthday, the return of the planet saturn happens in their birth sign and causes them to re-evaluate life. and most people make a big change during this stage. but i try not to stress myself too much over this grand life purpose, and try to enjoy the present moment as much as possible. stressing and worrying over the future won't help matters. and it stops you from enjoying life right now.

i have a tendency to want control over everything, even the future which is pretty impossible. i could worry over all the things that could go wrong, or i could focus on those things that are currently going right for me. maybe reviewing your purpose is a bit like prioritizing, and reviewing your life goals and how and if you are really working towards them.

step-back and observe

3. step-back and observe

i like this tip a lot. it's easy to get caught up in your own mind, and not bother or take the time to be still and observe the outside world. doing something as simple as looking at the sky every now and then is enough to calm you down at times, or at least put things in perspective, and make you realize that your problems are so small and insignificant in comparison to the universe as a whole. and no matter what we think is important in our lives, it pales in comparison and the world will just keep going regardless. so we can either choose to go with the flow and greatly increase our ease in this journey through life, or choose to fight against it every step of the way. i've always wanted to be able to go someplace, like a coffee shop or something, and simply observe people on the street. i've always felt too self conscious to do so though, thinking that everyone would know what i was doing and would be observing me instead. it's a weird thing. in cities like new york especially, people are for the most part in their own little worlds and oblivious to whatever or whoever is around them. so people watching should be a simple thing to do.

i remember going to the siren festival at coney island with an old friend once. we sat at a table after having some food and started people watching. she would talk about people's clothes, or tattoos or something. and she made the comment that she could be there doing that all day. she asked me if i was bored after a while. it was weird because i wasn't used to watching people that way and it was actually interesting. i realized how seldom i stop to observe people around me, i think i'm more of an eavesdropper. i love to listen to other people's conversations, whether they realize i'm there or not. i think its interesting to hear the way that people communicate with each other. i guess it has to do with being more interested in people's thoughts and ideas than in the way that they behave. stepping back to observe is something that writer's and artists can't help but do. they experience the world in a way that is different from most people and it's just in their nature.

it's unavoidable. they experience things a second and a third time when they start a new painting, or poem, or story. they pay extra attention and feel things more deeply and are more affected by everything. maybe that's why things like a simple work day and work people tend to overwhelm me, when other people simply know how to manage it without letting it get to them. that's a difficult thing to do if you're hard wired to feel and experience life so deeply, without any control over it. stepping back to observe takes you temporarily outside of yourself and your mind and your problems, and that can be a great relief. like when you step back and observe your thoughts during meditation. it's a break for your mind and a rest. being still forces you to take note of what your thoughts are actually doing. it takes you back clearly into the present moment, instead of lost somewhere in your mind with your constantly whirling thoughts. that reminds me, i really need to meditate at least once during this long weekend...

second stress relief tip

2. Take stretch breaks

this one i have to admit, i don't do. i sit for hours in front of the computer screen at work and forget to give my body any attention or breaks. and it often results in me getting cramped up and tense in my neck and shoulders. and before i even realize it, my shoulders are wound up near my ears and i've been sitting that way for a long while without even paying it any mind. i see people sometimes in the hallways stretching their arms and legs and i think they are smart to remember. i sometimes just can't tear myself away, wanting to complete my work perfectly and quickly before even thinking about attending to my own needs. that is especially bad on the days when i'm running late and don't have time to stop for coffee and end up working all morning while fighting my sleepiness at the same time, not making me very productive at all. i get my work done, but the process is just more unpleasant for me than it needs to be.

when i was being trained for my job, i was told to go outside for air if i started to feel myself getting overwhelmed or stressed. i could never manage to train myself to do this. when i'm caught up in stress, all i can think about is getting the work completed and off my mind. i can't go out for a break because i feel that i'm somehow slacking and leaving the work behind which will only be waiting for me when i get back to my desk, not to mention piling up even more.

something is seriously wrong when you find yourself putting work before your own comfort or sanity or humanity. there's no work that's worth sacrificing your health. i don't know why i push myself so hard, when people around me tend to slack and take things easy and never stress much over anything. i need to learn a lesson from them. and since i am this way, it takes me that much longer to relax and unwind and forget my stresses once i leave home. so i've tried to do that at times by listening to relaxing, soft music, such as this which is a recent favorite track of mine:

stress relief (and blondie)

i found a list of 126 stress busters someplace online (i lost the link)- and i thought i would take one at a time and post my thoughts about it. they are simply the first things that came to mind. i hope i get to write my thoughts about each item on the list!

stress busters

PART 1

.1 Change your priorities

before changing your priorities, it's important to figure out what they are first. i think mine are screwed up most of the time. i tend to prioritize work over my health, which is completely insane. i think it's important to be healthy, but just thinking it isn't going to make it happen. i know i need to make the effort to exercise, meditate and eat right to be physically and mentally healthy. it's so easy to let those things go though, but then it goes back to priorities. if you don't prioritize work so highly, and break your back trying to do a top notch job and please your boss, you probably won't be as tired in the evening. and you may have the extra energy to call your mom and see how she is, or call your sister and speak to your nephew for a little bit, instead of just falling asleep early and missing out on your life.

pretty profound when you think about it. and thinking about it is the most important point of this stress buster #1. at least to me. it's not very often that i consider my priorities and really give them the importance they deserve in my life, and i know that has to change.

below is my favorite song of the moment, i can't seem to embed the official video from anywhere which pisses me off, so this video will have to do:

random thoughts and christmas shopping

lately i've been writing more with pen and paper then here on the blog. i guess i've just had mostly more private things i wanted to write about, or maybe i was so used to my bf being without the internet so long that i didn't bother to write because i wasn't sure if anyone else was reading!

anyway, writing by hand is fun, more so than just typing. though i guess typing is easier for those times when you want to rant about something. and its easier to keep up with the pace of your thoughts if you type faster than you write.

i'm almost done with my proofreading class, just one more session to go, so that's a relief! now i can have my tuesday nights free again. i recently saw the movie 'orphan' which was really good. not the typical scary kid movie where they end up being a ghost or possessed or something, which is what i was expecting. this ending is definitely a twist and knowing it now i kind of want to go back and watch the movie over again. there wasn't too much gore either, which is always more tolerable.

i can't wait for the few days off next week with the holiday. i feel like i'm long overdo for a rest. and i've already started some christmas shopping. i'm trying to figure out what to buy for my aunts that they will actually like and use and not just something that will clutter up their lives. i have 4 aunts. its so hard these days to shop. everyone already has everything. everyone has too much of everything actually. i've already bought them handbags, perfumes, body washes, candles, shirts, soaps, scarves. what else is there??

and then there is the cris cringle between my cousins that we do on every thanksgiving, but we are smart about it and put down 3 suggestions for gifts that we would like when we write our names down to pick out of a hat.

i think i want to buy myself a new digital camera for christmas. the one i have is old and bulky and annoying, and the batteries never last. it's a kodak camera that i bought like 3 years ago. i want one of those new slimmer cameras that are not even that expensive anymore. i never know what to ask for for christmas. i usually ask for a magazine subscription from my cousins, but they never end up getting me that! i guess the gift card is always the easier and simpler way to go.

7 things i'm grateful for

1. hot showers
2. netflix (especially in winter)
3. tomorrow it'll be one day until friday
4. a warm bed to sleep in
5. new books
6. have only 3 sessions left for my course
7. shows like 'bank of mom and dad' and 'clean house' (though 'clean sweep' on was a show with much less annoying hosts)
8. (bonus) blogs like 'zen habits'

i've been reading a lot lately, some interesting books like 'going green;true tales from gleaners, scavengers, and dumpster divers.' i'm fascinated by the idea that people can find things in the trash and sell them for a profit. and the essays in the book are insightful in their thoughts about american consumerism and waste, and taking things for granted instead of trying to reuse and appreciate what we have and help the environment at the same time. i've also been reading 'the queen of clean conquers clutter'. when i look at my reading habits and the shows i like watching, it seems i should pursue a career in organization of people's homes, managing their finances, or working for a goodwill shop.

i remember reading once about a guy who worked in a used book store and found all kinds of interesting things in the books that people brought in to sell, like photographs, letters, drawings, notes, bookmarks of all kinds, etc. some things were really mysterious. i think that was part of the book 'found' which shows random things that people have found everywhere and every place imaginable. i gave away that book in a hoboken freecycle exchange and kind of regret it now.

i can't wait for my parents to have their big moving out sale, just to see how much money they end up making just from things and samples of stuff discarded and left for the trash where my mom works. she brings me all kinds of pajamas and clothes and socks all the time, and has furnished a whole room for my nephew in her house, just with those cast offs. it's pretty crazy.

i can totally understand how some people develop shopping addictions. i was having a shitty day and just buying a new purse was able to make me happy and turn my mood right around. i can see how that could easily get out of hand, so i remain vigilant and responsible in my spending. it must come from the constant fear of worrying that i may lose my job, and will need to have enough money saved up to carry me through until finding a new one. i also make sure to continually weed out my wardrobe and things to let go of what can be donated to charity.

the next book i ordered from amazon is 'Mongo: Adventures in Trash' by Ted Botha. mongo is supposed to be slang for anything reusable that was thrown out in NYC and recovered by someone else. i can't wait for it to come in the mail!