shopping, and other distractions

i spent a fun family day yesterday with my sister, nephew and my parents at my sister's house. occupying my nephew while my sister did housework and being entertained by him was interesting. i can't believe how crazy it is to take care of a three year old. he's adorable, but wow it's a lot of work! i don't know how people who have children do it, seems so overwhelming. even for someone like my sis who has infinite patience. i was glad to spend time with them though, not having a car makes visits like that pretty difficult.

i was thinking tonight about my life overall, as i tend to do on sunday nights when faced with another work week. i start to think about my deep down dreams that i barely ever spoke about to anyone but myself. and i start to wonder, what's really holding me back from going for them and leaving behind my regular life? i start to remember all those things i read in encouraging books and heard in motivational tv programs, or inspirational quotes that i have kept and liked reading. and i start to really say to myself, i need to seize the day, this isn't a dress rehearsal, we only go around once, and all this stuff and i start to feel like my day job is a waste of time. i distract myself reading books and magazines, watching movies and tv but then i wonder, how is all that really serving me and what i want my life to be?

when i started to workout and see my body change, i felt a suddent brief rush when i glimpsed what my life could be. i could be someone with the type of body that i always dreamed of having but never thought it possible. maybe i don't go for my dreams because i don't feel they are possible, therefore sabotaging them before they have a chance to begin. and i think well, if i buy these clothes or this thing that i want then i'll feel better, i'll feel i'm working hard for a reason, and i'll feel special and like i'm treating myself. but what's the point of having money and buying things if your day job doesn't make you feel happy and fulfilled all the time? or is at least interesting and satisfying to you? these are the things i ponder almost every sunday night, before i get swallowed up by the work week and it's stresses. i want to work towards a life that makes me happy, not one that allows me to simply come home and buy something or watch a movie and try to escape. life is going no where if we don't face ourselves and question.

i remember once reading somewhere that the older you get, the only thing that gets better are your clothes. i don't think that's entirely true. i'm definitely more confident then i used to be, but i still strive to have a wardrobe full of clothes that i love and that express who i am, not clothes that bore me or that i simply tolerate. in this recent picture, i actually love all that i am wearing, the yellow dress, the gray cardigan, the great green bracelet that i love so much, and you can't see them but i wore these really cute brown boots that day. it was one of those rare moments where everything came together the right way. it sure is nice to finally be able to buy clothes and shoes without feeling guilty and without incurring debt. my bf took the pic.