living with expectations

went to my cousin's wedding on friday which led of course to everyone, led by my mother asking, 'so who's next?' and pointing out that i'm not engaged or married yet. ugh once again. i really really hate that, feeling that there are expectations and that my life is being planned out for me without anyone even really asking me or caring about what i want. my mom was going on and on in the car on the way to the wedding about the year i'm going to get married, as if she knew, and where i was going to honeymoon. as if this was anything i was thinking about. she told me this awful story about how my cousin's fiance basically sat him down and said she didn't want to waste time or have kids when she's too old so he had better get serious about their future. maybe that works for some guys but to me it just sounded awful and demanding.

i kept stressing to my mom that i would rather things happen naturally, but she didn't seem to be listening. that's really what i believe though. after my cousin's fiance told her that, i would only imagine that he wondered if she truly loved him or was simply concerned with a big white wedding celebration and a ring. i think that's taking things a bit too far and can only lead to resentment in the long run. i feel like if someone wants to marry me then great, it will happen when the time is right. and if it doesn't, well then i'm not going to shoot myself in the head or anything. i can function independently just fine. getting married is not the ultimate goal in my life. my mom told me that my boyfriend will propose when i least expect it, as if she were trying to console me. i guess it's hard for people to understand that not every woman in her 30s is desperate to be married or she'll feel completely worthless.

why can't anyone get that it's my life and only i should be concerned with it? and if i'm happy that people should just back off? my mom keeps telling people that i'll be getting married in 2015 and honeymooning in cartagena colombia. that's a nice vision but it has nothing to do with me personally, and just because i'm her daughter it doesn't mean that my life can be dictated by her or anyone else. i wouldn't mind if it was just said once but it's said repeatedly. as if i'm going to give in to the idea without even considering my own heart and mind first. i mean i still struggle with trust issues, with divorce rates, and with the idea that anyone will ever even love me enough to want to be with me forever. its not something that i have ever aimed for or even thought possible. so why would i jump headfirst into making that my goal all of a sudden?

maybe i need to find myself a bit more first. maybe marriage is not in the cards for me. no one can predict the future. my sister asked if i thought i was wasting my time with my bf if it turns out we don't get married or break up one day or he never proposes. i thought that was crazy. if i thought i was wasting my time i wouldn't be with him. i'm lucky enough to have found love and i'm grateful for that. i have never been in a rush for anything more because i never even thought that would ever happen. and so i'm just enjoying the moment.

i mean the world could end next year and i don't think i should spend it single and lonely just because the person i'm with hasn't proposed yet. that is just insane to me and i don't get how people can think that way. i guess getting married and having kids is just that important to some people. my main goal has always just been to have a simple life, with as little stress as possible and as much happiness and peace as possible. i'm still trying to get a foothold in my career for goodness sake, and that's stressful enough without having to freak out about all other aspects of my life. i believe in letting things happen in their own time. none of us has a crystal ball. all we can do is live and experience and grow, and cultivate patience. oh and the big one- drop all expectations- of life, of people, of jobs, of your family, all expectations and allow others to simply be who they are.

someone who did the best she could with the talent she had

i love this, and i love that she still writes.

babe, it must be art

so it reached something like 104 degrees in central park today, crazy! it was seriously hard to breathe outside. thank god for air conditioned offices. i haven't been writing here as much because i've been writing more in my paper journal. i came up with an idea for a play which i am so excited about, now i just hope i can pull off writing it. i haven't had the easiest time in the past coming up with fictional characters, but i'm willing to give it another try. i just love writing, and want to write something besides journal entries and poetry. something meaningful and poignant that will get people thinking.

i want to pour my heart and soul into a writing project and see it through to the end. i saw this move the other night on lifetime about the life of jk rowling called 'magic beyond words.' her story is SO inspiring and really got me thinking about what motivates me and makes me happy, and it's writing. always has been and always will be. i remember writing stupid scary stories when i was like 10, and writing my first poems and being mad whenever anyone else tried to help me with them. i wanted to do them myself.

my favorite assignment in the 6th grade was writing a poem about the winter. and i have kept journals for as long as i can remember, i still have the ones from when i was like 7 or 8, those are so funny to read. i also remember writing a short vampire love story when i was in high school about a vampire named troy and the human he loved named cynthia. maybe i could've been the one to write the twilight series, dammit!

jk rowling is the first (and only!) author to become a billionaire - ever! her and madonna are like the two richest women living in england.

anyway, i have to get to work on the play now, write up some character profiles.

this is one of the best songs ever recorded. i forgot about it completely until it started to play in the airport restaurant while i was having lunch with my bf before our flight to puerto rico.
i love the song. just listen and you'll see why.

pics from san juan

heartbreaker

had a nice relaxing day off where i of course couldn't just relax and had to go out and get things done. i did some laundry and went to the library and cleaned a bit. i checked out about 8 CD's and already listened to two of them. one of them was a classic rock hits CD which contained this song, one of my favorites:



and one of the others was a luis miguel CD which i was so happy to find. the whole album is excellent but here is one song so you can see what i mean. it's the ultimate relaxation CD. it's called 'romance' and this song is called 'usted.' such beautiful lyrics if you understand spanish:



got back yesterday from a few days in san juan puerto rico with my sweetie bf. will post pics after i have given myself enough time to rest. i love not going to work! and that futurama is back on tv. i'm such a nerd. my mom asked if bf and i hit any clubs while on vacation, but that's not really our scene. we spent our time exploring old san juan, learning about and visiting battle ruins, and him sketching and my writing. and taking pictures and video of course. we went to relax and we don't even party here so i have no idea why she thought we'd be partying there! anyway, my body still aches from hauling my carry on in the airport. no check in luggage which saved us tons of time. will write more soon..

we can find new ways of living

got a form rejection email today from the company i interviewed with. they went with another person. so that's interview number three that didn't result in a job. guess i'm losing my touch. i got tons of temp jobs straight after college and eventually one of them ended up in a permanent placement, and that was in 2001, i graduate the may right before september 11, when there were supposedly no jobs, and i had no trouble. i guess i just wasn't meant to be at that company i interviewed with, or the two others.

i remember watching some program once where the speaker said to think of the most pressing problem in your life and keep in mind that a miracle may happen that will alleviate that problem. i can keep praying for a miracle to happen in my relationship with my boss, or my current career path, or keep looking for jobs. i'm not quite sure what to do at this point. so i'm just going to look forward to my upcoming vacation and try to forget that i will turn a year older on july 10.

songs of the day

down and feeling tired

i thought about writing this entry in my regular paper journal but since hardly anyone comes here and reads i guess it's safe to air my anger and sadness and frustration here. i had a really nice weekend, don't get me wrong. i love my boyfriend and being with him is so wonderful and makes me happy, and spending time with my family while they don't take up all of my time, and getting a chance to relax. but there's still that underlying nag. that underlying nag that says i'm not doing anything special with my life, or achieving my dreams, or even managing to stay at my goal weight, and time is passing by. and it's incredibly frustrating because all of this is not for lack of trying.

i send resumes out, get a couple of interviews, but still don't get an offer so i'm stuck at my job with my boss who i'm scared of and try to avoid at all costs. i try to act professional and cheery which takes a big toll on you day after day after day when you know that your job is not your dream and at this point (i'm almost 32) i really should be at the job that is my dream, or at least on my way there. i should have been there right after college honestly, because i'm a college graduate and had all the potential in the world to be something great but i'm slaving away for someone who goes from not giving me anything to do at all, to giving me way too difficult reports which change all the time and then calling me unprofessional and insubordinate when i can't complete this report to her liking. she hasn't done it in a while but it's only a matter of time. just have to catch her on an off day.

and then there's my diet. i was craving all kinds of bad food today but didn't give into temptation , except for dinner when i had a grilled cheese sandwich, even though it was wheat bread and vegan cheese. i'm finding that even if i eat healthy and deprive myself of delicious foods (which makes me really depressed because i love food) it doesn't help at all in making my figure back to the way it was. i guess this is the reality of being in my 30s now. now it takes sweaty, uncomfortable workouts that hurt in order to keep a lean body, or at least remain a size 6 and not creep up to an 8. it is really frustrating when you feel your body holding on to fat and pounds when you are watching what you eat. i had just cereal for breakfast, and then some tea at work, oatmeal for lunch and a banana. and that's all, besides the gallons of water that i drink every day.

i couldn't exercise today because i was sore from yesterday. i was at a fourth of july barbeque where there was nothing but fattening food and alcohol, and i had to eat so there was that. i guess i didn't have to drink as much as i did but i tried to offset all the calories by dancing. by the end of the day i still had consumed too much food and drinks and my head was pounding, so i had to eat again when dinner came around just to sober up, even though i wasn't hungry. family parties are the hardest. if i don't want to eat meat, there is literally nothing else to eat and then people will assume i'm anorexic.

i want to exercise but feeling heavier really makes it hard. it's hard to find motivation to bike ride or do any kind of cardio when i don't have any equipment at home and body weight exercise is too hard and i can't seem to wake up early to exercise in the mornings, and i can't go outside and walk when it gets dark because it's not safe and the weather may not be good. i'm going on vacation next week and i can't wait for that. i'm so sick of almost bumping into people who are staring into their i phones, but that's a whole other topic.

i'm looking forward to my vacation because it will be a break from all the screens i encounter daily. i go from my blackberry, to the computer screen at work, to the tv usually for an hour or two, and then back to the computer screen again at home. i'm so tired of it all but it's like an addiction and it's hard to break the pattern whe you do the same things day after day after day. i wish i could get over my embarrassment about working out in public so i could join a gym and at least use a treadmill. i think i could walk for an hour a day if i had one, i don't think that would be bad or hard because it wouldn't be strenuous. but i think my body needs strenuous exercise in order to lose any pounds at all. and that involves jumping and sweating and everything, so i have to find a way to get into that again. i have to try and just force myself so i can feel better about my body, and feel better IN my body.

i know that i'll never be as slim as someone like rumi neely or kate moss, but i can definitely be slimmer. it's just going to take a lot of hard work and deprivation of my favorite foods once again. :(

handbag of my dreams

i finally bought the kate moss for longchamp handbag i've been dreaming about since i saw it in lucky magazine. luckily for me it was on sale! so i didn't have to pay $990 for it. with tax it came out to $754, which is still more than i've ever spent on a handbag. but it was worth it because i absolutely love it and will have it forever. here's a pic

the song used in this promotional video is so good. it's called 'sand' by nancy sinatra and lee hazlewood

'solitude is a victory'

just watched the documentary on karl lagerfeld called 'lagerfeld confidential' and it was actually pretty interesting. in his own guarded way, he answers the film maker's questions and gives a look into the fashion world, while somehow not keeping the focus on himself. his philosophies run deep, and you should really watch the film to catch them all as they are rather profound. i admire how detached he is. he doesn't dwell too much on life or on himself, possessions, or on relationships because he prefers to live a fantasy life that isn't mired in reality. it's almost like he thinks reality is overrated. and in a way, isn't it? aren't dreams better?

when asked how he feels about death, he says that maybe death is an awakening from the dream that is life. and why worry about the afterlife, when there are billions of people who have died before ever learning about religion. and how can they possibly be damned to hell if they have never even learned that word? yeah, pretty heavy for a film you think it going to be about fashion! but he is a deep man, and though intimidating, doesn't seem to believe in his own hype. he never studied and is humble enough to see how lucky he is to have built and organized a life that suits him without too much effort. stories about his parents and upbringing are very interesting as well though we don't get to learn how he got his start in fashion or how he became so successful and an icon in his industry.

he is very straightforward and honest and that is refreshing. maybe it comes from being 75 years old and having spent that life in a creative field. he talks about how he needs time to be alone sometimes, and how creative people cannot be around other people all day long and still be creative, and i really related to that thought because it's the absolute truth. he talks about reading books, and how that's an activity that you can't do while you have company. solitude is important for recharging one's batteries, as he states, and is healthy. 'solitude is a victory' is just about the best quote i've heard in a movie in a long while.

that'll be the last movie i rent for a few months, putting my netflix account on hold for the summer!

garbage comeback

my prayers have been answered and Garbage really is in the studio recording new tracks for an upcoming album release! all is right in the world once again.

more info can be found here:
http://www.garbagediscobox.com/news/

the hunger of our hearts

there really aren't enough hours in the day. there is so much that i wanted to do the past few days, a lot of it got done (like more decluttering) yes! but some of it didn't. maybe i'm the only one but when there are things to do i feel like i need to do everything in one evening. which is why working 8 hours a day is so inconvenient. i really want to try to teach myself to make jewelry and i have a book but i just have to devote time to it already. i keep passing it by for other things.

a consignment store just opened down the block from my apartment so i'm excited to bring them some gently used clothes that i don't want anymore, and purses, and see if i can make any money from them. this will be my first time bringing clothes to a consignment store, so hopefully it's a good experience. i would love to own a consignment store or thrift shop one day, i think i would actually be really happy doing that. i have a weird obsession with second hand stuff.

i'm trying to mellow out at work and usually i can for a couple of weeks, until my boss takes a particular tone with me, but since that hasn't happened yet, i'm trying not to dwell on the inevitable. just going to count my blessings and live in the moment in the meantime.

this past sunday was father's day and i always feel bad getting my dad and uncles just cards and money but i really don't know their tastes and don't want to get them something they already have or will not find a use for. they seem happy just to get together with the family and play some dominoes and eat some bbq and have some beers so it all ends up working out in the end. a big topic of conversation was my cousin's upcoming wedding. both he and his bride will be 29 when they marry on july 29, and they were both born on the 29th day of the month. he was born april 29th and she was born august 29th. so i'm assuming the pattern will continue and their first born child will also be born on a 29th day. those coincidences are so crazy!

another thing i wanted to do but didn't get around to was post a photo entry on this blog, just go out for a walk and take random photos of things in my neighborhood. but i chose bike riding this weekend instead. it was fun and a good workout, as i rode for an hour. the superintendent of my building saw my struggling to bring my heavy bike up the apartment building steps and showed me a very helpful door on one side of the basement that i can use to get my bike in and out, so no more excuses now that i can take the bike out and put it back with a lot more ease.

no one sees me, but the silver moon...

went out friday night to the lower east side and felt somewhat out of it. it's a lot easier to go out on saturday nights and get one night to decompress from work, but it was still a lot of fun because it's not cold out anymore and the summer is finally here. that's when living near NYC is the most fun. went to max fish which is one of the bars/lounges i used to frequent most weekends when i was around 22, 23. and it felt so different being there now. my favorites were max fish, the mercury lounge which was around the corner, and the luna lounge which is not there anymore and has been taken over by a restaurant. we ended the night at 'the living room' where a couple of singer/songwriters were performing.

woke up so late yesterday and barely did anything except rearrange my living room furniture (love doing that!) and try to watch 'mahogany' on DVD but i rented a DVD that started skipping towards the end of the movie, so annoying! but i did get up today around 9:30am and got a lot done already. isn't it funny how when you finally have time to do stuff, like on a sunday, everything is closed? i mean no library, no post office. everything is inconvenient to the working person!

well that's all for today's ranting. i feel really good today actually. going to see my parents in a little while, and finish up a book and some magazines that have been lying around my apartment for way too long. and maybe i'll check out the upcoming calendar of shows at the mercury lounge so i can try to go when the show hasn't been sold out.

favorite song of the day



another good one

you knew all along what i never wanted to say

songs that made me smile during my nightly power walk through my very unscenic neighborhood. nice to know music and exercise can still make me feel good, even when i feel like my job is hanging by a thread

simplicity on the brain

10 ways i have achieved a somewhat simple life

1. i have a basic cell phone, don't need to have the Internet with me everywhere i go
It’s like I read at this post- http://zenhabits.net/simple-balance/
“staying connected and plugged-in all the time causes enormous amounts of stress and clutters your mind.”
2. i don't buy expensive jewelry or get manicures/pedicures
3. i am not on facebook or twitter
4. my cable package is basic, no movie channels
5. if i have read a book or magazine, i pass it along
6. i re-evaluate my belongings constantly – I think about the freedom of having a clean slate
7. i resist the urge to buy something for a while. if it's still haunting me days later, then i buy it. i think in terms of ‘more money spent, less money saved.’
8. i stopped taking prescription anxiety medication, i trust myself to have gotten past that issue
9. i no longer eat red meat or rice regularly
10. i don't have credit card debt over $200 at any time (that's my self-imposed cap since I can pay it all off at once)

10 things i'm planning to do to simplify life even more

1. use my bike more often now that weather permits
2. look into second hand shopping if i want different clothes/decor
3. declutter my current clothes of duplicates or older items that i am tired of and don't wear- or like it says in Rachel Zoe’s book- ‘clothes that aren’t making me smile’
4. declutter my bookshelf of notes from my editing courses, all the same information (grammar rules, etc) is available in books that i own
5. exercise every day - make it non negotiable and schedule it. i am aiming for 30-60 minutes of cardio 3 times a week and 2 days a week of pilates to tone the upper body and become stronger. 60 minutes of cardio shouldn’t be too hard if it’s broken up and done 30 minutes at time- once in the morning, once in the evening.
6. reduce caffeine intake – this one is tough
7. go on a 9 day cleanse to try to improve my eating habits. a friend told me about 'ben's cleanse' which we are going to try out together. she knows someone who lost 45 pounds with this method
8. listen to relaxing music daily/pray more/meditate
9. figure out where having only one of something is enough- for example: one makeup bag, one set of pajamas, one towel, one travel/overnight bag, one perfume, one wristlet, one set of shorts in a particular color, one set of workout/errand clothes (etc) and get rid of the excess
10. eliminating ugly or unworn shoes
11. (bonus) I am searching for a job with a less stressful boss

song of the day

so so weekend

my memorial day  was spent doing lots of reading and some napping. i got 18 'life and style' magazines free from some girl in soho who was giving them away last week while she moved, so i'm getting a little sick of reading about celebrity style right about now. i attempted to continue reading 'your erroneous zones' by wayne dyer. i'm almost done with it but it's not helping me disassociate myself from my thoughts about my boss and job. they are still managing to depress me. my job isn't so bad actually, just the boss. i just got home from a walk in the park but the humidity out there made me sweat buckets so i came home earlier than i wanted to, and according to my pedometer, only burned 170 calories.

i woke up today not feeling too great. my boyfriend got sick after our dinner saturday night so that put a damper on our evening. i also woke up on sunday with a splitting headache. i went to radio shack to buy this cable for my HDTV which it turns out i couldn't connect anyway because there was no connection for it on my cable box.

 i tried writing last night, but all i could manage to write was a prayer to help me manage my job stress or find a new job, it's at the forefront of my mind and now it's obvious to me that it's blocking my creativity. isn't it a bummer when someone takes a bad picture of you and then you are forced to see it? my uncle has a website with all his photos from our family get-togethers and managed to tag me in one of them where i am posing with him and my sister and i swear i look about 400 pounds heavier in that picture, even though i am wearing a black dress, and even though i thought i looked really good that night. ugh. i need to get back to exercising regularly. maybe i'm just not photogenic. i don't know. because i'm really not much heavier lately or anything. it's just a really bad picture.

it's been really hard for me to enjoy myself today because it's not like i don't have a job to go to tomorrow with a boss who doesn't think twice about talking down to me or disrespecting me. whenever that has happened in the past, i've left the job. but that's because i was living at home. i've tried so many way to deal with her, but i am out of ideas. i just have no respect for her because of the way she treats me, and it makes it very difficult for me to do my work.

i will keep applying to other jobs and hoping for the best. but the longer i go without getting called for anything, or interviewing and then not getting the job, the more i fear i will be stuck at my job forever with the one person in my life who makes it a living hell to earn my living.

is this the end?

Every accomplishment starts
with the decision to try.

-Anonymous

 i found this quote in a minimalism ebook that i downloaded for free called 'the minimalist within.' it can be found here: http://minimalistathome.com/minimalistwithin

i thought that quote was beautiful in its simplicity. if you never decided to try something, which only takes a small, quiet moment, you would never have accomplished anything. the decision to try can be scary, but also empowering when you know that the decision is final and serious, and overdue. it's like how do you know if you can do something until you try? i didn't think i could live on my own for example, but i tried it and have been doing just fine. i didn't think i could ever date someone successfully, but now i have a boyfriend who loves me.

today was another awful scenario with my boss that angered and upset me first thing on a monday morning. and this came after a long like 2 week stretch of being perfectly content in my life, grateful and peaceful and so happy in my mind. and she shattered that all to pieces with one phone call. i began to equate my job with misery again. i took down all the pretty cards i had hanging up in my cubicle, and any inspiring quotes or reminders of things to do to treat myself gently and care for myself and remember what there is to be grateful for, because there is just no place for those things at the office. no one cares that you are a human being. my boss doesn't feel the need to talk to me with respect and it makes me sick.

i am a good employee. i am hard working and responsible and don't deserve to be treated this way. other assistants walk in at 12 noon (making me wonder if I have to cover for them and asking their bosses for their whereabouts) and no one says anything. the thing is i didn’t even make a mistake. i sent a file following the instructions i was given, and was told that my boss never gave me that instruction. implying that i just made it up and did not hear her correctly which is completely ridiculous. i don't understand how someone can treat a good employee this way.

i would understand if i was dumb, or always late or taking days off like some people in my department but i don't. my boss knows that i am intelligent and my work ethic is strong, and yet i seem to be repeatedly punished for it. while for other people, they just let it slide. How can you expect to get the report you want when you change the criteria for it EVERY SINGLE TIME you ask for it? I am not a mind reader. I’m doing it the same way it was done the last time I was told how to do it.

i try to be understanding and tolerant. but there are some things a normal person just can't take. i can't take being told to do something one way one day- and that it would be done that way from now on and then being told the following week that i did it incorrectly. i was following instructions. that's all. i was just trying to do the right thing. i remember what i was told as i am not an idiot. i think if the world had ended yesterday i would have died a happy woman. no more work, no more nasty boss who treats me like shit, and ending my life in a good place, having been in love and having my family and never having wanted for anything.

visions are seldom all they seem

10 things i'm grateful for today

1. my boss probably won't be in the office tomorrow
2. my moment of complete contentment after a nice relaxing weekend while i watched 'sleeping beauty' on dvd sunday night.
3. having my computer back to normal after my bf destroyed the virus that was on it for a couple of days.
4. the suspense novel i'm reading as it's been entertaining so far, it's called 'shadow of your smile' by mary higgins clark. my mom just finished it and let me borrow it.
5. online shopping for little gifts for myself
6. getting out of work at 3pm next Friday- and upcoming holiday off for memorial day
7. home delivery service of my groceries.
8. feeling happy and grateful for my life, my boyfriend who loves me and my family.
9. hot showers and cups of tea
10.the peace and privacy/comfort of my apartment

sleeping beauty was one of my sister and my favorite movies when we were little. we watched it so many times and it always brings me back to being a little girl

getting to breathe easier

this week i finally went to see a doctor because i couldn't stand not being able to sleep at night due to my allergies and all the congestion they caused me. he asked me tons of questions very rapidly and i had to fill out all this paperwork because it was a new doctor that i had never been to before and he had no file on me. all this was very trying on my patience. he told me that my throat was all red and that i had a lot of congestion which i already knew, and ordered me to get an ekg because he thought my resting heart rate was a little faster than it should be. i wanted to say that it was because i have a boss from hell who's very presence in my life keeps me on edge all the time, but i kept that to myself.

getting the ekg was a pain too because i had to remove all of my jewelry, and i wear a lot of jewelry, and it is all very special and meaningful to me and i get anxious when i have to remove it anywhere else besides in my home. especially the coral flower ring my mother gave me, which i actually never take off. i kept fearing that i would get up to put it back on and it would be gone.

after the doctor i went to fill my prescriptions, the girl there told me to come back in half an hour so i did, and they still weren't ready. it was her and two guys at the pharmacy and they were working so  slowly. here i am hardly able to breathe and sneezing 10 times in a row whenever i step outside, and waiting around for this medication to finally get some relief while they took their sweet time. i was just about ready to scream at them. my medication was very expensive but it was worth it. i feel much better and was actually able to fall asleep last night without feeling congested at all or waking up with the roof of my mouth burning and irritated. and that was such a blessing.

so i took advantage and went to bed early and slept a lot. i attempted today to organize my handbags and try to declutter some clothes i'm tired of but i just couldn't do it. for some reason, it's hard for me to get rid of something that i received a compliment on while wearing it even though i might have gotten sick of the item already. and it's hard for me to get rid of perfectly good work clothes or something just because i'm tired of wearing the same things over and over.

it seems wasteful to me, even though there are some clothing items that i have kept for so many years. it's hard for me to get rid of things when i know that they look good on me, because it can be hard to find flattering clothes a lot of the time. or clothing in a style that is not trendy right now. i've kept a lot of my old clothes because i just couldn't get into the whole 80s trend that's been happening in the last few years. thankfully the 70s styles are getting back into fashion now.

my handbags are somewhat more organized now, i tried to line them up on the top of my closet so that i could see them all, instead of hanging them on hooks behind my other clothes where they are less visible. i had to rearrange some clothing i had up there that doesn't fit in my dresser drawers, and a warm blanket that i use under my comforter sometimes, but i made it work eventually. i wish i had more closet space, but it looks like i'm just going to have to get rid of all the excess clothing that i don't really need.

so it was nice to relax today, have  nice cup of tea and have nowhere in particular to go except maybe to the grocery store to get some cereal and fruit. my apartment felt kind of chilly but i love being home and wearing a cozy sweater and reading a good book or watching a good documentary. that is the best. i think i will definitely always be a homebody. i love being comfortable and surrounded by the things i love and that feel like me, especially when i spend my week at a job that has nothing to do with my personality, my passions or who i really am. i must work on that.

my adorable neice

Reina Marie

needing 5 more me's

first a bit of good news, my niece Reina was born yesterday, May 1st around 4:05pm, so now i have a niece and a nephew! and she is so cute. i just have phone pictures though, i wasn't prepared with my camera when i found out my sister was in labor. that's such a shame because i could have posted her cute little face. i will be seeing her again on sunday though when my sister should be back home from the hospital, so i can't wait! :)

today had to be one of the most stressful, frustrating, annoying days. my boss came in and wanted tons of stuff from me, all random, all tedious and difficult, and all while i was trying to get other work done that also needs to be done, administrative stuff which involves a lot of counting of training materials, opening and resealing boxes, trying to reach people who don't answer their emails or phone to see if what they sent is complete. asking them to confirm and reconfirm as per my boss, trying to submit paperwork and fill out all forms with my totals, only to have late stragglers (even when you GAVE a deadline of 8:30am) which force me to repeat the whole submission process, people talking to you when you're trying to listen to the ever growing to do list that your boss left on your voicemail while you were at lunch,

people gathered around ground zero (right outside the train station, during both rush hours!!) to stupidly take pictures of news reporters at the site conducting interviews because of osama bin laden being killed, people stopping dead in their tracks to stare stupidly at newspaper clippings of osama's death that were taped up to the gates outside ground zero, all foot traffic from my train being diverted and slowing down my process in getting the day over with, having to navigate around all the construction in front of the building where i work that never seems to end and half the time leaves me with no place to walk but in street in front of oncoming traffic. oh, and plus the annoyingly cold weather.

i fucking HATE commuting in new york city, the people pushing and shoving, practically knocking you over as they push past you, knocking into the bag your holding, stepping on the back of your shoes in their rush. it really sucks. and on top of that my allergies are bad, so i barely slept, and didn't rest at all yesterday due to being at the hospital from about 2:30pm and not getting home until around 9:30pm, having had just one small meal in all that time. ugh. and then a short, tight cough and chest pain all afternoon and evening, itchy eyes and an allergy medicine that i can only take one pill of for 24 hours. it definitely doesn't last. i definitely need something stronger than over the counter.

so yeah i am extremely tired after all of this crap today. which probably means i will call in sick tomorrow. i am sick. my body is aching and i need a mental rest day. i was thinking originally of just coming in late, but my boss still hasn't responded about talking to her boss about transitioning my position more towards editing and less towards admin work, so i don't feel the need to come to work just to make her life easier. i need to stay home away from new york city commuters, and pollen, and my aching body sitting at a desk jumping at 20 people's beck and call. i would've called out today, but i felt a responsibility to get my work done. no more of that, my responsibility should be to myself, my health and my sanity!

this blog post is excellent, short, to the point, a must read-
http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/2011/04/things-dont-make-us-happy.html