a typical day of my life if i didn't have to work

9:30am-10am - meditation time

10am- breakfast

11am-1pm- volunteer for City Harvest (or other food pantry)

1pm-2pm- lunch

2pm-4pm- Writing time- either at the library or at a cafe- work on poetry and creative nonfiction.

4pm-4:30- tai chi class

5pm-6pm- piano or guitar class

6-6:30pm - meditation

7pm- Dinner

Rest of Evening- a combination of long bubble baths, seeing my family and boyfriend, shopping, reading, clearing out clutter, painting my apartment, researching new hobbies, going to see live bands play, going to museums, going to poetry readings, watching my favorite movies, etc.

goals for the new year

so, in an attempt to get my life going in a specific direction, i've decided to enroll in the 5 courses below that are required to obtain a certificate in editing from NYU. I will probably take one or two courses at a time, depending on what I can afford. I had wanted to take them in the past, but repaying my student loans was holding me back. now that those are done, I'm free to pursue my real dream of becoming an editor. Most of these courses start in late February and run for 8-10 sessions.

Course Offerings I chose are:

Freelance Opportunities in Book Publishing

From Writer to Reader: An Introduction to Book Publishing

Fundamentals of Copyediting Books

Grammar Intensive: Mastering Style and Sentence Structure

How to Be a Book Editor: An Inside Look at the Editorial Process

I'm excited about the possibilities :)

poem i just wrote (at work)

papercut

i bleed
but i long to sit by a fire
listen to my thoughts
detach from the words

and the stares and the glares
and the shove of the
streets
if a song
could awake me

and live in the house of my
body, if a lull in the noise
could sustain me
could make silence visible
rework my senses

what i want is something
lost,
something fragile
a song i can create to let the world see
me.

something personal to save
the self in fragments
the girl whose world crushes-

the girl who's sunlight has shone
and gone and set.

25 things I want to do in life..

1.write a play or short story

2.see japan

3.go on a road trip

4.have meaningful connections with people

5.help the homeless and hungry

6.learn to play an instrument-piano/guitar

7.get a modelling job

8.see more live theatrical shows

9.establish a blog

10.get my poetry published

11.explore and shop in chinatown

12.pare down my possessions to only the essentials

13.get in better shape

14.buy a house

15.go to europe again

16.have my own business (passive income)

17.star in a play

18.buy a car

19.write a song

20.practice regular acts of kindness

21.write a book

22.organize a charity event

23.help others improve their lives somehow (maybe by writing a book?)

24.be an example of happiness and success for my nephew Ryan.

25.make a living doing what i love to do

opening entry of my handwritten journal

the entry below is an excerpt handwritten in my paper journal on 7/27/2008:

i wrote down an idea in my previous journal for a writing topic, but never got to elaborate on it further. it was about one ordinary weeknight when i was at home. i had left a music channel on my television and as i was crossing over to the bed or the bathroom i noticed that the song playing was 'besame mucho'- but an insturmental version. for some reason, hearing that song took me out of my immediate present reality, and into an alternate one. i imagined i could be on the streets in europe, listening to it play at a cafe. anywhere else but where i was. i had the feeling of being on vacation, with everything feeling slightly removed and unfamiliar. but it was something comforting at the same time. a break from the everyday normal routine. it was a reminder of the fluidity of life - of the possibilities that abound there.

in starting this journal i was reminded of how i used to start other journals in my teens and early 20s. i used to write in big flowey letters 'karen's fairy journal,' drawing pictures of flowers and butterflies around the curvy lettering. this journal didn't seem to call for an opening like that. i don't know. maybe its because i've been 29 for a couple of weeks now, and part of me may feel like this journal needs to be about exploring a newer, different side to me. the person i'm growing into being. now i have a job that is somewhat less stressful, but in another way, more stressful. i work as an administrative assistant. i'm very capable at it and even enjoy it, but at the same time i find myself thinking- i'm 29 and still only an administrative assistant. after all, there are girls 23 and 24 years old who make 45-50k a year working in marketing or at magazines or as accountants or teachers. those kinds of thoughts make me feel that i'm just languishing. though maybe if i keep going back to recognizing myself and who i am at my core, i will never feel less than anyone else or out of place in any profession because i will have the comfort of knowing that i am fulfilling my ultimate purpose.

i never used to weigh my values on conventional, societal ideals. i found (and still find) value in creativitiy, living simply, sucking all the juice out of life, living as if in the magic of poetic language. living life with a purpose and meaning that one defines for one's self, no matter the opinons of the common masses. holding onto one's freedom, individuality and singular expression has importance over everything else. a person cannot rest or be at peace unless he is heeding the call of his heart, his own personal song, a vision of what true happiness really means.

i think within myself there may be a bit of a fear of success. i may be one of those people who goes mad if i'm given too much money. last week i finally succeeded in my long term goal of wiping out my student loan debt. - it was $20,000 in total. and the idea of no longer owing anything, of no longer having to set aside huge portions of my paycheck anymore- was somewhat unsettling. as crazy as that sounds it actually made me feel anxious - i suppose because i no longer had a major, definite goal to work toward. i had finally reached it and i guess a part of me was wondering what was next.

i woke up with a headache today. it's sunday, but i dont have that usual dread of having to start the work week. i'm comfortable where i am working. no son much where i am living though. i'm at Ivan's apartment sitting at his desk writing in this journal, while he stands at his easel behind me, working on a painting he began yesterday. every now and then he makes sounds of frustration or curses. he just left the room. outside the sky is thundering and there is a light rain falling. Ivan has just returned with a stack of paper towels. we just got through watching a documentary of the artist chuck connely. a man who became very successful as a young artist, but whose self-destructive habits took his success away. Ivan sighs out of frustration, saying it would be great if he could paint with only one hand.

my hair is wet and tied in a low ponytail. Ivan suggested that maybe a shower would help me relieve my headache, when drinking water, eating a doughnut and drinking a coffee coolatta failed to do the trick. but that is mostly because this is a pms headache. and those don't go away just like that. i'm using a pen that i stole from work, that i thought wrote smoothly but is actually causing my arm to cramp up.

a skech that Ivan did of me, right after i had been crying, is the decoration in the inside cover of this journal. i hope that doesn't doom me to a bunch of morose journal entries. Ivan just explained to me the painting technique of 'scrafito,' in which a layer of paint is put on the canvas and then scratched with a knife. it looks to me almost like a stained glass effect. it's strange to be afraid of happiness - i guess the fear of losing it. i try not to let that get to me and just give myself over to those magical, out of this world moments. those moments of being and feeling whole, natural, healthy and free.

i hope for myself that growing older is not difficult. that i will still find things in life that will motivate me, satisfy me, make me feel fulfilled, complete, at ease and happy. i hope that it won't be a downward spiral, as most people are led to believe. there is so much change everywhere- in the world, in one's family, in one's own self that it can become hard to keep track of the self. most people when they get close to the age of 30 feel disappointed only if they feel they should have accomplished more by that age. i think i may be suffering from a bit of that. there are people my age who live in grand houses, who write scripts that become hollywood movies, who write books, who play live shows with bands and sing in front of an adoring audience. sylvia plath died at age 30, but before she died she wrote countless plays, poetry, a novel. she became a well known writer, her journals were published. her one novel, the bell jar is still widely known and read, regardless of the fact that it was largely autobiographical. and these things make me wonder what i have to show for being the age that i am. will only i be the one seeing and reading what i've written? will all the journals i have locked away in a fire-proof box one day just be discarded without so much as one soul showing any interest in them? in me or in the world and life i am currently inhabiting?

sometimes i remind myself that its ok to keep it simple in writing. i don't have to sit to write 10 ot 20 pages all at once or not write anything. in her journals, sylvia plath would sometimes only write a paragraph describing what the rain sounds like falling on her roof in the quiet of her bedroom. nothing else was needed because that was all she had to say on that day.

i want to continue to like myself as a person throughout my life. and i think a big part of that depends on being absolutely true to myself. never wavering in my belief as a singluar human being, and never bending to the will of others who want me to be someone else more to their liking.

what would janice do?

i love janice dickenson. since i don't have work tomorrow, i'm up at 3:24am watching her sell her jewelry on HSN (home shopping network). all the cocktail rings are lovely, but of course at size 5, too big for my fingers. oh well. not like i should be spending money anyway. i adore janice's personality. she's loud and obnoxious, but in a way that is fully, unapologetically her. she is not afraid to be who she is. to be loud or overbearing, to be fun and stlyish, sexy and fabulous no matter how old she gets. she has admirable ambition and drive. and has made herself into a success in the modelling world on her own terms.

i've read 2 of her books- her autobiography 'no lifeguard on duty' which i lent to my mom and she loved it too and 'everything about me is fake and i'm perfect.' her writing style is fresh and she has a natural way of telling a story that draws you in, as if you were in conversation with her. she is the epitomy of strong. i wish i could be that way. i mean so socially strong that i intimidate others with my confidence and sense of self. that others are at a loss for words when around me because i make such a secure impression on them. to be like her, not like myself- shy, always retreating, second guessing. that is my ultimate dream. to be unafraid to speak my mind. to be who i want to be and see myself to be.

i was addicted to her show back when it was on oxygen, 'the janice dickenson modelling agency.' i had rented the first season from netflix and became addicted. mostly because janice took every opportunity to showcase her best self. her talents for photography, modelling and being a model agent and mentor. it was really hypnotic in a way. there is no one else like her on earth. she is what i strive to be in my life. there was a scene on her show where she encourages one of the models in her agency by telling him that growing up, "I believed you could be, just anyone you really wanted to be." and that just sums it all up , doesn't it? she said it with a conviction that would remove any doubt. she was dead serious.

she came from humble beginnings, came from an abusive household, and still had the determination and strength to go after her dream of being a model in a time where models looked nothing like her. they were all blonde and blue-eyed. she paved her own path and became an in demand model anyway when most agencies turned her away at first. she didn't let anything defeat her. she later decided she wanted to have a modelling agency of her own, and film the whole process for a reality show, and so it was done. just like that. she decided to write books, so she became a best selling author. and it's easy to see why. she is a distinct personality. an amazing woman who has accomplished so much. people may ridicule her but she lives her life in her own way and makes no apologies ever.

she knows exactly who she is and is unafraid to show it. and that is so stunning to me. she is definitely someone i admire and look up to and who makes me happy whenever i see her on tv or read fashion/beauty tips in her books. she makes it all look so easy and so fun because she really lives her life and makes the most of it, and encourages others to do the same in her books. so now i guess she has a jewelry line, i had no idea about it. the bracelets and rings and necklaces are so pretty too. i guess there really is no limit to what a person can do or what she can get if she really really wants it..

'do your thing, whatever it is that you do
everybody's magical, beautiful, do your own thing
shining like a super star, what you feel is who you are
do your own thing'

- from the theme song of her TV show

hello again

ok so i have not written on here in a very long time. and I'm sure no one out there will be reading this blog. except maybe for a selet few who i let know about it. anyway, i took a much needed day off today. and it has been relaxing. thank goodness. i probably need to furnish my walls a bit, since they are still all bare since i moved in here in september. i had to take a day of to regroup. to remember what's important to me. and what can wait. a stressful job can wait. a stressful job will always be there. and now i'm consumed with the idea of cutting down my commute. it would be great if i could leave my comfortable apartment and be at work in 5 minutes or 10, instead of in a huge commuting crowd and two different trains and long walks to and from my building.

i needed to remember what it is to be human. and not a machine. a coworker tells me that people wonder sometimes if i'm actually human, because of the efficiency with which i do my work. i have to keep in mind the important things. and breaking my back won't ensure i'll always have a job. it's so important to keep my mind on the positive things. the things in life that make me joyful, so i don't feel that getting through the days is tedious and hard work all the time. it doesn't have to be that way. some people understand this. they do as little work as possible because they know that it takes a lot to have reason to fire an employee. they don't feel they have anything to prove. they just take their time with their tasks. it's so important though to have a balance, between who i am personally and who i am at work. they don't have to be one in the same person. and that's what taking a day off reminds me of. and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that i recognized the signs of burnout and gave myself a break. and i'm glad for people in my life who remind me of who i am, what helps me and what i love to do and what makes me happy.

I am nobody's little weasel

i recently rented the movie 'amelie' which i started out really liking a lot. i had heard it was a feel good movie that pointed out all the little special things about life that most people usually overlook or take for granted. amelie is a quiet, young girl in her early twenties who suffered from a lot of traumas as a child, as a result she lives mostly in her imagination and tries as much as possible to avoid and ignore reality. i found it to be a really charming story about a young girl who felt suddenly like she found her purpose in the world, after doing a kind act for a stranger (anonymously) and seeing how good it made her feel. she has this epiphany and starts to do more and more kind, benevolent acts for strangers, acquaintances, neighbors and coworkers. she does this purely to help them and entertain herself at the same time with the idea that they are clueless about how these good things just happen.

i thought wow, here's a movie that's about a pretty young girl that doesn't focus on her trying to get/keep/find/win a man. and actually it shows her having a higher purpose. her life's mission is guided and focused on that one thing. i found it to be really refreshing and inspiring. UNTIL, it of course turned into a pseudo love story about her being too shy to approach a guy she grew up with and is secretly in love with. i thought i was going to vomit when her elderly neighbor tells her to 'go get him' or something to that effect. i was completely disgusted. i thought, wow, this could have been a movie with a real, profound message and meaning and instead it became a typical, cliche love story. i would have loved it if it carried on in the same vein throughout. and amelie had learned that it she could bring joy and light to the world simply by being herself and doing good deeds for others.

but by the end of the movie i was upset. because it seems that of course the young woman's mission in life turned out to be to get her man, forgetting all those kind acts she did for others and switching her focus entirely. it was so predictable and tired. i so thought this movie would be about something else. something not so typical and truly inspiring. and it was throughout the first half, then it just got boring. the guy she was in love with kind of came up out of nowhere, like an afterthought. and the movie would have been just fine without him in my opinion.

my nephew's baptism

...

just want to sleep
just want to keep sleeping
just want to sleep forever
just want to disappear

going down to liverpool

recently i went to a street fair near my job and noticed a CD booth, they were selling the bangles' greatest hits CD for $8. but this is how poor i am, i put it back and decided i should save my money. i really liked that CD though, it was a favorite of mine in high school. i picked it up and looked at the song list for a while and tried to decide whether or not to buy it. i thought maybe it would bring back depressing memories of high school, but as i walked away, the guy at the stand selling the CDs picked it up and started to play it. i guess to convince me to come back and buy it. as i listened to 'hero takes a fall' it was amazing how fast all those high school memories started flooding back, going to chem lab and walking through the hallways alone, anonymous, the way i liked it.

life was much simpler then even though i was much more lonely. with the current state of indecision and insecurity in my career and in my life and uncertainty about the future, this is the song that feels most relatable to me right now- going down to liverpool (lyrics below). how nice it would be to go someplace and live out the rest of my days doing nothing, no obligations, no expectations, no stress, no pressures. what a dream that would be. it certanly isn't reality. unless you happen to be independantly wealthy. it's a pretty dreamy song even if it does still make me a little sad. i should've just bought the CD.

going down to liverpool

Hey now...
Where you going with that load of nothing in your hand?
I said: Hey now...
All through this green and pleasant land.

I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
All the days of my life
All the days of my life.

Hey there...
Where you going with that UB40 in your hand?
I said: Hey there...
All through this green and pleasant land.

I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
All the days of my life
All the days of my life.

Hey now
Where you going with that UB40 in your hand
I said: Hey now
All through this green and pleasant land.

I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing
All the days of my life
All the days of my life.

this is why i need to start meditating again

i'm currently rereading 'the way to love; the last meditations of anthony de mello' and it's because of the following passage. this paragraph turned my day around and made it bright again:

"Third, spend some time observing the things and people around you. Look, but really look, as if for the first time, at the face of a friend, a leaf, a tree, a bird in flight, the behavior and mannerisms of the people around you. Really see them and hopefully you will see them afresh as they are in themselves without the dulling, stupefying effect of your ideas and habits."

when i first read this book, this passage is what stayed with me. haunted me. and reminded to always see the world and everyone with fresh eyes, as if for the first time. of course, reading the book as a whole, slowly. is much better.

some hope?

i've been reading some of my monthly horoscopes online and most of them are promising the same thing- a new beginning, a fresh start or opportunity in my career. a period of scary, but worthwhile change. and possibly a new position, job offer or promotion. this has me breathing a bit more easily. because it's amazing sometimes how accurate those forecasts can be. i need to somehow pull myself out of this rut. otherwise this job that was supposed to be temporary is going to become my main career for the rest of my life. and i don't want to see that happen. i don't see my future there at all, but it's up to me to do something. to move in another direction. to try something else and try not to be so afraid.

it's so nice to have free time. to be able to sleep in late, stay up late reading and watch a movie in the middle of the day. and look around online without rushing. on my last vacation i finally got around to reading 'the davinci code' and it was totally worth it. yesterday i started reading the lead articles in this copy of writer's market that i got for $1 at strand a while back. it's the 2005 edition. there are some good articles and interviews in there. i like the idea of perusing the listings of what magazines are looking for to generate writing ideas. i think if i were rich and didn't have to work , that's what i would do. send out query letters, try to become published and work as a freelance writer. the unstable pay would not be a factor. and i could do it out of fun without any of the stress.

i have to start playing the lottery or something.

i have found recently that i've been using shopping to deal with being in a bad mood. if i'm feeling down about something, i'll treat myself to something new, and it's a bad habit to get into. way too many impulse buys. it's become like an addiction. and it doesnt help that i work so close to so many retail stores. it's way too easy and tempting to stop by on my lunch hour and browse around. it partly has to do with the fact that my wardrobe sucks, but it's gotten way out of hand. i've opened 3 department store credit card accounts in the past couple of months, and almost opened a 4th the other day. right now i have a new york and company card, a macy's card, and a victoria's secret card. and i don't know why i've gotten like this. i've NEVER been one to spend carelessly. yet here i am.

i think it's a more psychological issue though than anything else. i feel like i need to feel better one day, so i'll treat myself to expensive coffee for too many days, or buy some other unnecessary thing like a book, or a hangbag, or something like that. just because it makes me feel better to have something new. but i can't keep rationalizing those purchases. i have to start putting money into savings again so i don't feel so deprived when i start making big payments towards my student loans.

this is a weird time. one minue i'm fine and feel like i can cope and things will be ok. the next minute i'm in a panic and afraid of living and dreading what's to come. even though i don't know what it is yet.

"To be no one but yourself in a world that is doing it's best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human can fight, and to never stop fighting."~ E.E. Cummings

overhwlemed

i've taken a couple of days off from work. to clear my head. to give myself a breather. and it's been ok, except for the fact that i can't truly relax. i'm too worried and scared. i was pretty ok with my life before my family started putting the pressure on. but i also knew i didn't want to stay at my current job for the rest of my life. even the idea of 'the rest of my life' seems overwhelmingly scary to me. and i get to this point where my mind stops because it's so crammed full. and i forget who i am and what i like and the things i tell myself in order to get through the day, like i'll wear a favorite outfit tomorrow that i will feel good in, or i can't wait to watch a certain show tonight, or read a new book or throw out some old clutter. i get anxious to the point of paralysis. like today i found myself wondering, do i really need a career counselor? or do i need to go to a psychiatrist or a therapist to work on my fear of speaking and presentation? because doesn't every well paying job in the world require speaking well and good presentation? and won't my family be expecting me not to settle for anything less than something well-paying, even if it's not exactly what i want to do? will they care if i am miserable because i can't find a job to suit my personality? is there even a job out there that will?

i felt too overhwlemed by my worries to even search for career counselors online. i started to but then i wondered how much they would charge me, and if they would really be able to help me at all, and how could i even pick one without knowing if they are good or knowing anything about them? i once had a recommendation for one from an old boss of mine, but i've lost her contact information, giving up on seeing her after we played phone tag for a few weeks, never able to get in touch with each other. i feel like it's too hard. and its all too much. i thought i should call my mother tonight, but i cried at the thought of that because i knew i'd be doing it out of guilt and not because i really felt like talking to her. i have pms so it's best to avoid any and all human contact right now. i barely made it back home from the grocery store today. i was burdened by my thoughts and hardly able to hold myself up and act like a normal person. how do you go through life without any really good sense of who you are?

how much of life is genuinely confusing, and how much am i really just complicating it by refusing to grow up and face my fears? i feel like i don't even know where or how to begin or who to go to for help. times of change are difficult for me. this current job was good for a few years, i learned a lot, i got to move out on my own, meet new people, but now i feel i have to change again and evolve, and now is not a time to coast along. i have to find my ambition before i totally lose it, before i run out of time, i just feel like i need more guidance. i feel unsure of everything, and it affects my whole life. my friends probably think i don't want to see them, but it's just that i feel out of place in my body, and i'm not the same person i was when i met them. when i met them i was ok with my work, i thought i'd be ok there for a few years and my life could go on as it was and nobody would be getting on my case about it. but now it just seems hard to live daily life. its harder to talk to people, to make eye contact, to present myself well, to feel good in my skin. it's hard to explain. i feel unsure of every step i take, and overtaken by the question of why i'm alive and what am i here to accomplish? daily life feels more like a chore because i'm facing all these difficuly choices. do i stay in my apartment? do i try to change careers? what if it doesn't work? i sent out like 6 or 7 resumes a couple of weeks ago and haven't heard from anyone. maybe i'm not qualified for the jobs i think i want. or i've told myself i should want.

i feel like i'm drowning sometimes in all this indecision. i don't want my career to define me. i want a job that doesnt leave me super stressed out all the time. i just want that career thing settled so i can go back to focusing on my inner life and becoming happier. i loved those times as a temp when i wasn't really important to the company but i had my steady job there, and i was free to leave work and read writing books and listen to music and watch concert videos and journal about my dreams. it was a time when i was free to be really creative and really myself, because my life wasn't defined by work. i didn't have rent to pay or really any responsibilities, but i know those days are over.

still, i want to feel like my life is my own, that i'm in control, that i chose work because it suits who i am without feeling all that guilt. i feel lazy and dumb. i have no right to be tired, my parents have a right to be tired, they've been working 20+ years for my sake. and for what? to have me let them down like this? it's so hard to live with myself because of that. it's hard feeling that i've dissapointed them and it may be too late and i may be too abnormal and strange to turn things around at this point. why did i have to be so timid and dumb as to not try to do an internship at penguin putnam in college instead of at some tiny unknown spirtual organization? why did i always try to take the easy way out? i should've actually thought about it. i don't know what the hell i was thinking in school. i could've had a real career for myself. i had a scholarship that paid for a good part of my tuition. and i let it all go to waste. it's doesn't sit well. i wish i could go back and do it all over, kowing what i know now. it's hard for my to enjoy something like a night out with my friends, or writing, or a movie or a book without feeling like i should be doing something else more productive, like i should be trying to fix my life.

i just don't know what to do :(
i'm trying to keep doing those little things that make me happy. and take things one day at a time.

rediscovering myself

why does it sometimes seem like the right time in life to start all over again? to throw out all the old and start fresh? it's kind of like spring cleaning, but i guess now it would be fall cleaning, since the summer is over. i feel this in a drastic way right now, like i want to throw out all my clothes, most of my shoes, most of my accessories and makeup, most of the decor in my apartment and start over with all of it. try harder to make it a true reflection of the person i've become and the person i want to be. so much of it just feels so outdated because i know i have changed. and the old me who purchased that handbag or that shirt or those earrings or that wall hanging no longer exists.

a new person has taken her place. a more mature person, someone who is contemplating long-term goals, not just short-term goals like she has her whole life up until now. it's so weird when your surroundings don't fit who you are anymore. and you simply feel out of place. it causes life to feel unbalanced and strange.

i find myself at work thinking, when i get home the first thing i'm going to do is throw out that old white shirt that i hate because it's so unflattering, or that dress i don't wear anymore because i'm sick of it, or those pants that are shapeless and missing a button. i want to have a wardrobe full of things i love. but i always tend to buy things that don't go with anything else in my closet. and fashion magazines confuse me. or just list things that are so far out of my price range.

a lot of the time i'll see women on the street who's style i admire and take inspiration from them. i got rid of a few things here and there tonight but still feel like somehow i have too much. i have too many shirts to wear to go to sleep. to many purses that i don't use. too many cassette tapes i never listen to. too many bottles of old nail polish that bubble and chip quickly when i try to wear them, too many stray papers and catalogues and reading material lying around. it can so quickly get out of control as soon as you attempt to control it. i think this will take time, but i've gotten rid of a lot over recent years, and have never missed any of it.

i'm one of those people who keep clothes for years, buying just a couple of new things each season. i guess that's why i'm not drowning in debt. but it's so easy to get tired of the same old clothes. for a while i felt i had too many tops so i started buying a lot of pants, now i feel i wear the same pants over and over (i have a problem with taking the others to the dry cleaners) and feel like i need to buy more because now i have too many tops and skirts.

i still have clothes that i wore when i first started working 3 years ago. i guess i have trouble letting go of perfectly good clothes, even if it makes me sick to look at them, or even think of wearing them. there's so much other stuff i know i could get rid of if given the proper amount of time to sort. vhs tapes i never watch anymore, CDs i don't listen to, old socks i can't wear, shoes that are uncomfortable, books i didn't find interesting enough to finish, old pictures that i have no reason to look at again, old scraps of paper containing half-written poems in a large binder taking up space in my bookcase, and on and on. it never ends.

whenever i buy something new, like a new purse or a new shirt, i try to get rid of an old one. this is so i don't find myself buying new hangers unnecessarily for clothes that will never again see the light of day. i get the satisfaction of knowing i'm not adding to the clutter, but it's not always easy to do. i'm going to attempt to tonight though, since i do have some free time. and i feel like the walls are closing in on me.

i wish

i wish i didn't want so much out of life

i wish i knew where to begin to get what i want

i wish i could remember how to relax again

i wish i had something right now to look forward to

i wish i had the means and the self confidence for success

i wish i could control my longing

i wish there was a simpler way to go about my days

i wish i had more courage

i wish people could be more understanding

i wish people could be more forgiving

i wish i could get my creativity back

i wish there were no such thing as bad days

i wish i could live without stress

i wish i could feel in control of my life

i wish i coudl feel proud of myself

i wish sometimes for complete isolation

i wish for the rush of my thoughts and worries to cease

i wish for peace of mind

i wish i could stop feeling like a disappointment

this song is resonating strongly with me

...just because time seems to pass by so fast. it's especially relevant now that my family wants me to get on the corporate fast track. hope i don't lose myself along the way..

"everyday"

something I've been wanting to say to you.
are you sitting down?
pretty soon, there will be a day,
when I won't be around.

im not trying to scare you
or play with your sympathy.
just want to remind you
that life is a symphony.

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.

people always rushing around,
wasting time on money.
don't be just a face in the crowd.
getting high and running from something.

i'm not trying to tell you what to do.
in the end, it's up to you.

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.

dip your feet into the ocean.
let the sun beat on your skin.
soak in every emotion,
that you never thought you'd live.
and never take for granted,
every breath you're breathing in.
go everywhere you've never been,

[Chorus]
everyday, live it like it's your last one.
ever kiss, kiss it like it's your first love.
if i had one wish; then I would wish
that you would live today like
everyday, everyday is your last one.



-bif naked

hurry sickness

(this was written a little earlier today at work)

(these things may seem petty, but they add this subtle, stressful undertone to life that is totally unnecessary and completely annoying)

I don’t know if this is an actual sickness, but I think it is. I have experienced it. Not in myself, but in those around me. especially in new york city, where it’s the norm to have everything fast-paced and crazy. It can be annoying though when you don’t feel like rushing, when you just want to walk at a normal pace and not feel pushed. I absolutely hate it when I am crossing the street and there is a car waiting impatiently at a stop sign, and the moment I clear the way, they peel off as if I was taking 100 years to cross or something. It always unnerves me. it’s to the point that I find myself often running across the street so as not to incite the driver’s anger. This happens practically on a daily basis.

And I hate it when I’m on my way to work and people step on the back of my shoes in the process of rushing to pass me. now, I walk very fast as it is. It’s impossible NOT to, especially during the morning rush our in downtown NY or any part of NY, and these people are STILL trying desperately to pass by me. I find it similar to cars that cut you off on the road. It’s like, give me some room to walk, you know? I’m a human being too. I’m not invisible for fuck’s sake. Maybe I have somewhere I need to be, just like you.

I’ve had it happen several times where people will step on the back of my shoe and actually make me almost trip, or make my shoe come off in the middle of the street. And this has been with every type of footwear: sandals, sneakers, flats, heels, whatever. They find a way to step on them so hard that I have to stop and regain my balance, or stop to put my fallen shoe back on. They sometimes, not always, utter an embarrassed (yet insincere) and rushed ‘sorry’ as they pass, and I always just glare at them. I fight the urge to call them morons. I mean how hard is it to watch where you’re going and not slam into the person in front of you??? I don’t think it’s that damn difficult.

Another shining example of this is on elevators, why is it that once I get to my floor, if there are still people on the elevator- they feel the need to press the ‘door close’ button like a maniac before I even step out? Isn’t this a little extreme? Are you that much in a hurry that you can’t wait a few seconds for the doors to close on their own? It’s not like you’re going to grow old in there waiting. I find this to be incredibly rude for some reason. Like you don’t have the right to ride an elevator if you’re holding other people up from getting to their floors, even though you are trying to get to work too and just happen to work in the same building! I never do this to anyone. I wait however long it takes for them to step out of the elevator without implying that they rush out as quickly as possible because they are inconveniencing me. These are the mysteries of our modern, urban workaday culture. Talk about a rat race.

a repost- Sept 11, 2001, questions and thoughts

September 11, 2001 questions and thoughts

I wrote this on 5/9/02 in response to a series of prompts i found online relating to September 11, 2001. they were meant to preserve the memory of the day for future generations.

1. Where were you and what were you doing when you first heard the news of the attack on America, Sept 11, 2001? i was on an express bus just coming out of the Battery Tunnel, when the entire bus was in a little commotion and everyone began to go to the right side to look up out of the windows. we were a few blocks from the towers and we could see thick black smoke consuming the top of one of the towers. everyone was confused, but i just thought it was a fire, nothing to be alarmed about, they would just put it out and that would be it. i was on the bus because i was on my way to a temp agency to act as a stand-by temp who comes in the morning for last minute assignments.

2. What were your first thoughts and feelings upon hearing the news? What were the first things you commented on? the bus turned on to the expressway by the water and everyone had learned from listening to headphones/radio that a second plane had hit, and we had just learned about the first- which everyone assumed had just been an accident. there was a woman on the bus with a radio and everyone watched her and waited for news to clear up their confusion. she said that a second plane had hit the second tower, and it was now confirmed that was a deliberate act. everyone stared out the left side windows now, horrified, trying to use their cell phones and assure loved ones that they were all right. i would get peeks at the World Trade Center between the buildings as the bus moved along swiftly, each time it was a more horrific sight.

i remember first seeing what looked like paper- millions of papers flying through the air, shooting out from a burning hole in one of the towers. you could see the force of the wind, or the suction or something in the shining sunlight, it looked as if the top of the tower was spewing papers right at the expressway and river on our right. i looked at the water and it was littered with what looked like white paper, but which we later learned was pieces of shrapnel from the actual buildings.

by this time the top of both towers were in flames. i was sitting next to a young blonde girl who was trying to reach her boyfriend on his cell phone because he worked as a janitor at the World Trade Center. luckily though, his shift began around 4:00 that day, so he hadn't been there or arrived. she kept saying 'oh shit' as she dialed, telling me that all their friends work in the towers as well.

i tried to call my mother but the cell phone did not work. when i looked back out at the towers, i got a full clear view and gasped, covering my mouth with my free hand as my eyes grew large trying to capture and grasp what i saw. trying to understand and process. the entire length of both towers was covered with black smoke, like two glowing matchsticks, and i could only think.. 'i thought they were going to stop it- put the fires out, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??' patches of dark black smoke covered almost every recognizable silver piece of the towers and i could see small red flames shooting out to the sky from some of the center windows and upper windows of one tower. i turned back to face the front of the bus and thought to myself, 'my God, there are people burning in there right now. how are they going to get out?'

my mom called my cell phone and finally it went through and she asked me where i was, i told her i was on the bus and i would try to get to her job. she works in midtown. the bus driver was confused about being told to divert through brooklyn and leave all the passengers there (which worried me and my mom) but then he got different instructions to continue on his route but only up until the stop after mine, which was 42nd street. i told my mom he was going to stop at 34th st and that i'd be there soon. the bus driver also spoke on a cell phone, asking the person on the other end if his son was all right.

by this time, everyone was weary, panicky, and one woman started to cry. i remember hearing another console her saying, 'don't cry.' everyone was very confused and i just wanted to see my mother and tell her what i had seen. as i entered her building, they told me to go downstairs where she was and i went and saw her and hugged her hard. i was afraid and just glad to see she was ok. i told her what i had seen- both towers completely enveloped in smoke, from way down by the ground. i couldn't believe it-it was unlike anything i'd ever seen.

my mother had a portable radio and she heard as the spanish DJs described what was happening. we went out to the sidewalk and looked up at the tops of the towers and they were still aflame, there were crowds of people standing around and just staring up, or trying to use their cell phones. oddly though, there were other people just strolling by casually as if nothing was out of the ordinary. there was an electronics store near us that turned the news on their TVs and a small group of people, including us, crowded in front of it, everyone just looked on in shock. one man, with cell phone in hand, told the people standing close to him that he was supposed to be at the towers that morning for a breakfast meeting, but he'd been running late. he spoke somberly as if he didn't believe his own words. everyone felt the same confusion.

on the TV screen we all watched in the store, they showed footage of the pentagon in washington DC, which has also been hit by a plane and now appeared to lie in ruins. they also announced that a number of planes were still circling the air, their targets unknown. a shot of the New York skyline appeared then on the screen, but you couldn't see any of the buildings. the entire city was hidden by thick, black, billowing smoke. it was just smoke on the island of Manhattan, smoke on top of water, and below that unbelievable scene flashed these words "NYC ON FULL TERRORIST ALERT." the words flashed again and again, like an emergency signal, and the last place i wanted to be, was where i was standing- midtown Manhattan.

i walked around the block to try to call my sister and tell her we were all right. but there was a short line to use the pay phones because all cell phones had gone dead. as i waited behind a girl using the pay phone i heard her say, 'the building just fell. i saw it,' and i was shocked, there was no way it could be real, there was no way a tower had collapsed. at that moment i saw my mom leave her building again and walk around the corner where she could see the towers. i tried to call my sister, but i didn't get through, they told me she was teaching. when i crossed back to join my mother where we could see the towers- she turned around and looked at me with tears gathering in her voice as she said "the towers fell, there must be people dead"- she had heard it on the radio as the DJ said in spanish "The World Trade Center towers no longer exist." seeing her tell me, my stomach felt as if it had fallen out from under me. i looked up at where we had just seen the towers on fire, but now there was only pale smoke and blue sky.

at some point before, i went to one of the upper floors in my mother's building to try to use a phone and felt myself having a minor panic attack in the elevator. it was just unexpected and so strange. i felt very closed in all of a sudden, and like i could barely breathe. when we finally got back down to the lobby, people were fleeing the building in waves and for a moment i thought they were all dead, that we were all dead, like souls just waiting to be released by another imminent blast, i felt it coming in my bones. we were so close to the Empire State Building.
my mother and i were stuck in manhattan until around 7pm, sitting on benches in a small park, flinching at the sounds of planes flying overhead, trying to call and call until we could get through to our family and friends. the trains and ferries started to run again and the tunnels repoened. my father came to pick us up. i was 22 at the time.
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i love new york

since i don't have much to say, i decided to take a cue from Andy and post some pictures i took over the summer in the city. i love new york city photography. i spent my lunch hour at borders looking at an NY photography book by some hungarian photographer, forgot his name. it was inspiring though, and there's still that obsession i have with joesnyc.com. the pic above (of the barney's ad) is my favorite. don't know why.