jennifer's body

tonight i watched jennifer's body. a movie i rented just out of curiosity. i wondered what it was about megan fox that people find so irresistible and amazing. and i still don't really know. she's conventionally pretty i guess. but also a bit hard to watch. maybe because she doesn't seem to be quite human. so i guess the role in this movie was a good choice for her. she was strangely convincing. i was expecting a lot more gore considering the movie's premise- a demonic cheerleader who likes to eat boys. but there actually wasn't that much. the writer of this movie, diablo cody, also wrote 'juno' which i haven't seen but had such a buzz around it that i assumed she was a good writer, like tina fey, or someone like that who knows how to be clever with humor. but the dialogue and snappy comments in this movie, jennifer's body, just fall flat and seem to be there just for shock value or to offer quotables like movies that are cult classics. 'heathers' comes to mind, no one can beat that film's one liners like:

veronica:
'Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful. '

jason dean:
'Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.'

heather:
'Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerberg is going to let you play their reindeer games. '

heather:
'did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?'

jason dean:
'everyone's life has got static. is your life perfect?'

jennifer's body is not really a cult classic. it was a bit disturbing, but not really that scary, and not really that funny either. i don't think the writer knew what tone to go for with it because it seemed all over the place. it seems like it was made just as a vehicle to make money, to profit on the name of megan fox and her looks, and the fame of diablo cody. it could've been a lot better, and was pretty disappointing. the netflix rental didn't have any featurettes on it either (which i really hate), only previews . i read that the official dvd of jennifer's body contains deleted scenes and a featurette, i'm a bit curious to watch those if only to see megan fox's real personality. if she has one, that is.

pic

here's a pic of me and a friend from work at our company christmas party. many drinks were had by all..

the world needs more Shirley Manson

this clip is hilarious, thank God for the internet or i would've missed it.

i was quoted in another blog :)

it's kind of a nice feeling

i provided the last quote featured in this blog post by the author of a favorite book of mine-
and he used a sentence from my comment as the title of his post.

http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/2009/12/no-shame-in-taking-nap_17.html


Clutter Busting Blog
Visit www.clutterbusting.com!

a great book

just got through reading this book, requiem for a paper bag, edited by Davy Rothbart, creator of Found Magazine and the Found books. Its a must-read!! my favorite story in this book is called 'the old clerk's diary' by katherine dunn

one of my favorite videos

i love watching the dance that starts at 2:15 in-

smell some flowers

12. smell some flowers

i think i've only bought myself flowers once or twice in my entire life. having plants around is supposed to make you more efficient at work and less stressed/anxious at home. yet somehow i always forget to buy them. i even live really close to a huge flower shop, but have never stepped foot inside. i really love yellow flowers of all kinds, and confetti roses, and of course the classic red roses. i also like tulips. the last bouquet i bought myself was a dozen purple tulips at the supermarket. they lasted a pretty long time and looked so pretty on my windowsill in my living room.

lately i've been considering buying fake plastic flowers, just so i can have something to put in the vases i have at work that's pretty to look at and has some color. i think smelling flowers can have a calming effect, and it's not the same if you just have some rose scented candle or body wash or whatever, its just not as pure a fragrance. i've read that plants help to purify the air of toxins and just make you feel better when you are around them, so i think that makes them worth the money to purchase.

here's a pic of a pretty bouquet my boyfriend gave me once

share your feelings

11. share your feelings

sharing feelings can be hard to do. i tend to share mine here on this blog, or in my personal paper journals. not having many close friends i can confide in, and lots of people in my life who would rather talk about themselves and cut me off, i often end up sharing my feelings with my boyfriend, which makes me wonder sometimes how he can still stand to be with me! I generally have trouble opening up to other people though, and deepening friendships that are basically co-workers and acquaintances.

it's important to share feelings though because they can take you over if you don't. holding feelings inside is dangerous and unhealthy for your mind and body and spirit. the last thing you want to have happen is for stress to take over. my mom always told me that when i find myself in a situation where i feeling like crying, then i should cry, and if i find myself in a situation where i feel like screaming, i should scream. it's natural, human and healthy. it's not something of course that comes up often, but when it does, i don't see anything wrong with expressing your emotions, and unburdening yourself.

everyone needs some sort of outlet. feelings of stress or pressure can be alleviated by exercise for some, or calling a friend or a parent, or doing some art work, writing, playing music, scrap booking or other creative task. people write comments here saying that they relate to what i say which is so great, it that makes me think that my feelings are justified and there's nothing wrong with them. we all experience life our own way, and what we feel as we live is telling of who we are and what our story is. it's much better to share your feelings, rather than pretend they don't exist and live in denial. being truthful with yourself and other people is a great relief when you remember to do it. i often ask myself how do i really feel? instead of wondering how things should make me feel. If you open up and share your feelings, you might find that you are not alone in the way that you feel. And that can be amazing.

10. organize your space

10. organize your space

this is easier said then done sometimes, especially when you're tired. but for me personally, it lowers my energy every time i encounter a mess, and sometimes its worth it to spend that extra time washing dishes and picking up, because things tend to accumulate if you don't do that. i hate looking at a pile of junk mail, or not knowing where a particular item of clothing is in my closet. i like organization. at home and at work, though at work it can be a little more difficult to keep track of all the files that need saving and reference.

seeing an organized space contributes to your peace of mind. i remember when i went to see the apartment that i eventually moved into and none of my things were in there yet, and i was just looking at an empty fresh space. what a nice calming thing that was to see. no clutter, no mess, no papers, no junk, no dust, nothing. i often think back to that feeling when i try to convince myself to clear out some clutter. it drives me a little crazy when things are out of place.

this reminds me of that show on A&E called ‘hoarders,’ talk about scary! those people deal with a mental illness and a compulsive need to keep things and it gets really out of control. i can't understand how people can live that way without losing their minds. sometimes it takes the cleaning crews days to clear out one of their houses and they need to use shovels and face masks. it's fascinating in a way, to see what people decide to keep, what they see as having value and are unwilling to part with.

i've always wanted my life and my space to be as simple as possible, and i keep trying for that all the time. i know i probably have too much stuff, and too many clothes i don't really use much, but it's really hard to let go of things that you have paid for. on the other hand, i do get the most use out of the things i love, and some of my clothing and purses and shoes i've had for several years. i'd rather hold on to something i really like then to go out shopping a lot for clothes. it's hard because it's affordable, and attractive, and fun to shop for, but then i find myself running out of hangers to hang my clothes and realize that i need to clear some of it out.

use affirmations

9. use affirmations

affirmations are something that i could never really get into, but i suppose they do work for some people. you have to have discipline to remember to tell them to yourself. i saw a show last night on TV about people who have won lotteries and how it changed their lives. there was one guy who was reading a book about positive thinking, when he noticed an ad in the paper for a raffle. the raffle was $150 to enter to win a choice of one of two houses, or $1 million in cash. and he ended up winning and choosing the money.

there was another man on the same show who had an affirmation written on his bathroom mirrors. it said something to the effect of 'you are looking at the source of all your happiness.' i found that to be really interesting and really profound. i think affirmations work a lot like gratitude, in that you choose to focus on the positive, instead of lamenting over the negative state of things in your life. you change your focus and expect the good things. and being thankful for the good things is always attracting more of those good things into your life.

when i say my prayers, i usually thank God for all of my blessings, because i know i am fortunate and i don't take things for granted. it's not good to pray just to ask god for help, you need to thank him as well for all he has done for you. i am healthy and have a good job, a wonderful family, a lovely and loving boyfriend, i'm making more friends every day and getting more confident, i know where my next meal is coming from, i have a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep, i am able to support myself, all these things are blessings and there are so many more. i expect to always be taken care of by God, i expect good things and happy experiences and positive people, so that has to be my experience. i will not settle for less.

celebrating my sweetie's birthday

here are some pics of our celebration last night with him, me and my parents,

(i'm wearing my new fireball necklace from molly sims for HSN. god i love that thing!! and my bf too of course ;)

let go and let God

8. let go and let God

this advice is very sound and can be very comforting. especially for people like me who always want control over every situation, and who get disappointed when things don't turn out the way they were expecting. not everything can go as planned all the time, and we only stress ourselves out by trying to fight against the flow of life. sometimes, there's just nothing else you can do, but wait something out and leave the outcome in God's hands. let go of control and just surrender.

there are times when letting go and letting God seem impossible, but we need to have trust and faith that things are for the best, and the lessons we learn as humans will only make us better in the end. i used to think things like: when will i find love? when will i be happy? when will i know my purpose? When will I feel like part of a group of friends? but it's pointless to try to predict the future. we can only live now and what's important is accepting who we are and how life is. this leads to peace of mind, it ends fruitless resistance. it's ok to be gentle with ourselves, admit we have faults and have made mistakes, and simply try to improve.

nothing can ever be perfect, or exactly as we want it, because we are human, not angels. and this is earth, not heaven. there will be struggles and hardships but there will also be blessings and happiness too. and little things to take pleasure in. and little moments that remind you of why you are alive, and those are the ones that matter most.

7. see a comedy

7. see a comedy

as far as a stress relief, laughter really helps. this reminds me of a father's day barbecue i went to once at my aunt's house a few summers ago. we didn't watch a comedy together, but for some reason all my cousins were in a silly mood and we spent the whole afternoon laughing and joking together about everything. it was nonstop. and at the end of the day, i literally felt like a great weight had been lifted off of me, and i remember saying, wow, i needed that! i had absolutely no tension left in my body whatsoever.

seeing a comedy, if its a good one, can probably have the same effect. you let go of worries, stop taking things so seriously, and revel in the silly side of life. my favorite comedies are the ones with jim carrey (ace ventura). the hot shots spoof movies were funny too. chris rock's HBO special show called 'bigger and blacker' was hilarious. there are not too many funny comics out there, but maybe i'm just not in the habit of watching much comedy. i was told that i had to see 'the hangover' and some other movies like napoleon dynamite that i just never got around to seeing.

of course nothing beats the 'don't fear the reaper' sketch with will farrell, the belly shirt, the cowbell, and christopher walkin on SNL.

leave five minutes earlier

6. leave five minutes earlier

this tip really helps a lot. i know that when i give myself more time in the morning, i'm much less frazzled starting and throughout my day. it may seem like common sense, but it makes a big difference. i usually wake up early enough so that i can have some breakfast before leaving for work. i don't know how people can skip breakfast. usually, the idea and anticipation of eating is what gets me up and out of bed.

it's hard to get up early. really hard on some days, especially winter days, but i try to do as much as possible to prepare for the next day on the night before. i pick out what i'm wearing, iron it and make my lunch for the next day, and it saves me a lot of time. it's also best to have a few free minutes before work starts to go get a coffee or something like that, which i usually do. i hate having to rush. and for me it's particularly an issue because i have to punch in for work. meaning, i have to click into a program that records the time i arrive and leave everyday. its annoying. but that's how things are.

i wish i could meditate in the morning, but that's one thing that i'm way too sleepy for at that time. i could only meditate at night. and i would need to get up very early to get it done in the morning, before my upstairs neighbors get up and start walking around. and i'm just not able to get up that early most of the time. i always wished the work day was from 10am to 4pm or something more tolerable like that. i don't feel fully awake until around 11am anyway. then i'm glad i'm not home lounging and that i have a job to go to.

get a massage

5. get a massage

this is one of my all time favorite things to do! but i don't do it as often as i should. usually if they are done right, you leave feeling like a brand new, rejuvenated person. i remember once going to a salon to get a haircut and there was a new shampoo girl. she washed my hair and gave me this amazing, slow, and luxurious cranial massage that left me so relaxed, it was the best! i never saw her at that salon after that so oh well, i need to find out where else they provide that kind of service.

i've been curious to try out acupuncture, supposedly it doesn't hurt that much and really does wonders for anxiety and stress levels in the body. it works with the 'chi' energy in the body and ensures that it is flowing properly and well. the same idea goes into tai chi, which is kind of like a moving meditation, where you stretch and move the body to help the chi energy circulate, or something to that effect. i'm probably not describing it well, but maybe you have heard of it and know what i mean.

massages are weird because it's hard to get perfectly comfortable. usually i find that the room is too cold, or the lotion used is too cold, or something else is slightly off that makes it hard to relax, but in the right setting, it can be a godsend. we live so often in our minds that it's nice to be reminded of our physical bodies, and be brought back down to earth for a while. i think most people need that. i've been trying to get myself a massage every month, but i hardly ever do it and i definitely should.

review your purpose

4.review your purpose

this tip is pretty vague. and seems like it might result in more stress, not less! reviewing your purpose is what most people spend their time not doing, and distracting themselves from doing. but it's worth taking some reflection and time. they say when people are nearing their 30th birthday, the return of the planet saturn happens in their birth sign and causes them to re-evaluate life. and most people make a big change during this stage. but i try not to stress myself too much over this grand life purpose, and try to enjoy the present moment as much as possible. stressing and worrying over the future won't help matters. and it stops you from enjoying life right now.

i have a tendency to want control over everything, even the future which is pretty impossible. i could worry over all the things that could go wrong, or i could focus on those things that are currently going right for me. maybe reviewing your purpose is a bit like prioritizing, and reviewing your life goals and how and if you are really working towards them.

step-back and observe

3. step-back and observe

i like this tip a lot. it's easy to get caught up in your own mind, and not bother or take the time to be still and observe the outside world. doing something as simple as looking at the sky every now and then is enough to calm you down at times, or at least put things in perspective, and make you realize that your problems are so small and insignificant in comparison to the universe as a whole. and no matter what we think is important in our lives, it pales in comparison and the world will just keep going regardless. so we can either choose to go with the flow and greatly increase our ease in this journey through life, or choose to fight against it every step of the way. i've always wanted to be able to go someplace, like a coffee shop or something, and simply observe people on the street. i've always felt too self conscious to do so though, thinking that everyone would know what i was doing and would be observing me instead. it's a weird thing. in cities like new york especially, people are for the most part in their own little worlds and oblivious to whatever or whoever is around them. so people watching should be a simple thing to do.

i remember going to the siren festival at coney island with an old friend once. we sat at a table after having some food and started people watching. she would talk about people's clothes, or tattoos or something. and she made the comment that she could be there doing that all day. she asked me if i was bored after a while. it was weird because i wasn't used to watching people that way and it was actually interesting. i realized how seldom i stop to observe people around me, i think i'm more of an eavesdropper. i love to listen to other people's conversations, whether they realize i'm there or not. i think its interesting to hear the way that people communicate with each other. i guess it has to do with being more interested in people's thoughts and ideas than in the way that they behave. stepping back to observe is something that writer's and artists can't help but do. they experience the world in a way that is different from most people and it's just in their nature.

it's unavoidable. they experience things a second and a third time when they start a new painting, or poem, or story. they pay extra attention and feel things more deeply and are more affected by everything. maybe that's why things like a simple work day and work people tend to overwhelm me, when other people simply know how to manage it without letting it get to them. that's a difficult thing to do if you're hard wired to feel and experience life so deeply, without any control over it. stepping back to observe takes you temporarily outside of yourself and your mind and your problems, and that can be a great relief. like when you step back and observe your thoughts during meditation. it's a break for your mind and a rest. being still forces you to take note of what your thoughts are actually doing. it takes you back clearly into the present moment, instead of lost somewhere in your mind with your constantly whirling thoughts. that reminds me, i really need to meditate at least once during this long weekend...

second stress relief tip

2. Take stretch breaks

this one i have to admit, i don't do. i sit for hours in front of the computer screen at work and forget to give my body any attention or breaks. and it often results in me getting cramped up and tense in my neck and shoulders. and before i even realize it, my shoulders are wound up near my ears and i've been sitting that way for a long while without even paying it any mind. i see people sometimes in the hallways stretching their arms and legs and i think they are smart to remember. i sometimes just can't tear myself away, wanting to complete my work perfectly and quickly before even thinking about attending to my own needs. that is especially bad on the days when i'm running late and don't have time to stop for coffee and end up working all morning while fighting my sleepiness at the same time, not making me very productive at all. i get my work done, but the process is just more unpleasant for me than it needs to be.

when i was being trained for my job, i was told to go outside for air if i started to feel myself getting overwhelmed or stressed. i could never manage to train myself to do this. when i'm caught up in stress, all i can think about is getting the work completed and off my mind. i can't go out for a break because i feel that i'm somehow slacking and leaving the work behind which will only be waiting for me when i get back to my desk, not to mention piling up even more.

something is seriously wrong when you find yourself putting work before your own comfort or sanity or humanity. there's no work that's worth sacrificing your health. i don't know why i push myself so hard, when people around me tend to slack and take things easy and never stress much over anything. i need to learn a lesson from them. and since i am this way, it takes me that much longer to relax and unwind and forget my stresses once i leave home. so i've tried to do that at times by listening to relaxing, soft music, such as this which is a recent favorite track of mine:

stress relief (and blondie)

i found a list of 126 stress busters someplace online (i lost the link)- and i thought i would take one at a time and post my thoughts about it. they are simply the first things that came to mind. i hope i get to write my thoughts about each item on the list!

stress busters

PART 1

.1 Change your priorities

before changing your priorities, it's important to figure out what they are first. i think mine are screwed up most of the time. i tend to prioritize work over my health, which is completely insane. i think it's important to be healthy, but just thinking it isn't going to make it happen. i know i need to make the effort to exercise, meditate and eat right to be physically and mentally healthy. it's so easy to let those things go though, but then it goes back to priorities. if you don't prioritize work so highly, and break your back trying to do a top notch job and please your boss, you probably won't be as tired in the evening. and you may have the extra energy to call your mom and see how she is, or call your sister and speak to your nephew for a little bit, instead of just falling asleep early and missing out on your life.

pretty profound when you think about it. and thinking about it is the most important point of this stress buster #1. at least to me. it's not very often that i consider my priorities and really give them the importance they deserve in my life, and i know that has to change.

below is my favorite song of the moment, i can't seem to embed the official video from anywhere which pisses me off, so this video will have to do:

random thoughts and christmas shopping

lately i've been writing more with pen and paper then here on the blog. i guess i've just had mostly more private things i wanted to write about, or maybe i was so used to my bf being without the internet so long that i didn't bother to write because i wasn't sure if anyone else was reading!

anyway, writing by hand is fun, more so than just typing. though i guess typing is easier for those times when you want to rant about something. and its easier to keep up with the pace of your thoughts if you type faster than you write.

i'm almost done with my proofreading class, just one more session to go, so that's a relief! now i can have my tuesday nights free again. i recently saw the movie 'orphan' which was really good. not the typical scary kid movie where they end up being a ghost or possessed or something, which is what i was expecting. this ending is definitely a twist and knowing it now i kind of want to go back and watch the movie over again. there wasn't too much gore either, which is always more tolerable.

i can't wait for the few days off next week with the holiday. i feel like i'm long overdo for a rest. and i've already started some christmas shopping. i'm trying to figure out what to buy for my aunts that they will actually like and use and not just something that will clutter up their lives. i have 4 aunts. its so hard these days to shop. everyone already has everything. everyone has too much of everything actually. i've already bought them handbags, perfumes, body washes, candles, shirts, soaps, scarves. what else is there??

and then there is the cris cringle between my cousins that we do on every thanksgiving, but we are smart about it and put down 3 suggestions for gifts that we would like when we write our names down to pick out of a hat.

i think i want to buy myself a new digital camera for christmas. the one i have is old and bulky and annoying, and the batteries never last. it's a kodak camera that i bought like 3 years ago. i want one of those new slimmer cameras that are not even that expensive anymore. i never know what to ask for for christmas. i usually ask for a magazine subscription from my cousins, but they never end up getting me that! i guess the gift card is always the easier and simpler way to go.

7 things i'm grateful for

1. hot showers
2. netflix (especially in winter)
3. tomorrow it'll be one day until friday
4. a warm bed to sleep in
5. new books
6. have only 3 sessions left for my course
7. shows like 'bank of mom and dad' and 'clean house' (though 'clean sweep' on was a show with much less annoying hosts)
8. (bonus) blogs like 'zen habits'

i've been reading a lot lately, some interesting books like 'going green;true tales from gleaners, scavengers, and dumpster divers.' i'm fascinated by the idea that people can find things in the trash and sell them for a profit. and the essays in the book are insightful in their thoughts about american consumerism and waste, and taking things for granted instead of trying to reuse and appreciate what we have and help the environment at the same time. i've also been reading 'the queen of clean conquers clutter'. when i look at my reading habits and the shows i like watching, it seems i should pursue a career in organization of people's homes, managing their finances, or working for a goodwill shop.

i remember reading once about a guy who worked in a used book store and found all kinds of interesting things in the books that people brought in to sell, like photographs, letters, drawings, notes, bookmarks of all kinds, etc. some things were really mysterious. i think that was part of the book 'found' which shows random things that people have found everywhere and every place imaginable. i gave away that book in a hoboken freecycle exchange and kind of regret it now.

i can't wait for my parents to have their big moving out sale, just to see how much money they end up making just from things and samples of stuff discarded and left for the trash where my mom works. she brings me all kinds of pajamas and clothes and socks all the time, and has furnished a whole room for my nephew in her house, just with those cast offs. it's pretty crazy.

i can totally understand how some people develop shopping addictions. i was having a shitty day and just buying a new purse was able to make me happy and turn my mood right around. i can see how that could easily get out of hand, so i remain vigilant and responsible in my spending. it must come from the constant fear of worrying that i may lose my job, and will need to have enough money saved up to carry me through until finding a new one. i also make sure to continually weed out my wardrobe and things to let go of what can be donated to charity.

the next book i ordered from amazon is 'Mongo: Adventures in Trash' by Ted Botha. mongo is supposed to be slang for anything reusable that was thrown out in NYC and recovered by someone else. i can't wait for it to come in the mail!

a strangely facinating film

http://www.snagfilms.com/films/title/i_love_trash/

a little positivity

found this exercise online here- http://www.personal-development-coach.net/raise-vibration.html

Write down 10 aspects of you that you love and re-read them as often as you can – this boosts your self confidence and makes you more positive therefore raising vibration. It is good to re-read the list of your positive aspects because you will keep activating the vibration of confidence and appreciation of yourself.

10 aspects about myself that I love

1. My intelligence
2. My writing ability
3. My creativity and appreciation for beauty
4. My ability to be still
5. My caring, loving nature
6. My impulse for kindness
7. My trustworthiness
8. My ability to take care of myself and be on my own (and stay employed!)
9. My respect for my elders/superiors
10. My dedication and professionalism

today, in an effort to feel better by helping others, i bought the following pendant from the hunger site, so i can purchase food for the hungry in the process-
http://shop.thehungersite.com/store/item.do?itemId=29207&siteId=220&sourceId=17&sourceClass=Category&index=15
i totally forgot about thehungersite.com. it was nice to find it again

i hate winter

i've been getting over a cold, so i spent most of the day inside today. i had meant to do so many things. my homework was done for class, so i thought i'd spend the time organizing my CDs, meditating or writing. i took a long nap instead. i guess i didn't sleep well last night. but i hate napping out of boredom. i've never been the person to get bored. i would always find a way to amuse myself, whether it be online, or reading or whatever. so after my nap, i went online for a while, picked out my clothes for tomorrow, watched a movie and washed my hair. sunday nights can be so depressing. and for some reason, i always seem to encounter somebody on a monday morning who's in a great mood and wants to chat, when i'm beyond pissed off about another work week. i am so confusing, even to myself. i long to be alone sometimes, but then others, i just long for company, its sometimes like once i have one of those, i crave the other. its really weird and i don't get it. maybe i just spend way too much time alone inside my head. who knows?

it's really annoying to be stuck at home in the winter. and my apartment heat goes on so high that i find myself sweating, so i open a window, then the heat goes off, so i close the window, then the heat goes back on and the cycle repeats. life seems so silly sometimes, the limits of the human body, and the lengths a person has to go through just to keep themselves comfortable, and presentable. its an endless tedious cycle of maintenance. life would be great if we could always get what we want. it's an amazing feeling when life actually goes our way isn't it?

thank God i have my bf to love and to be my best friend. i'm grateful

socially awkward or just independent?

there was a discussion today on the craigslist discussion forums (in beauty and fashion for some reason) about female friendships. people were complaining that they got tired of their female friends because of cattiness, bullying, competitiveness, bragging, etc. and i thought ok good, i'm not alone. i tried having a group of girlfriends once, and maybe they were not the right ones for me, but i couldn't seem to really connect with any of them. they were too concerned with feigning friendship and being selfish and untrustworthy. and i realized that by not having many friends in high school and college, i wasn't really missing out on much.

growing up, my parents used to say that friendships don't matter as much as family. because family will outlast every friendship every time. i think sometimes that i would like to have more friends, i find people interesting, but i also know myself. i know how moody i can get, and i get scared of hurting people when i don't mean to, just because i have days and moments when i can't bring myself to speak to anyone, and not everyone is understanding about that. you have to have really amazing friends who really understand and accept you for that to be the case. i care about people, coworkers, acquaintances, but i just don't feel the need to be in contact with them on a daily basis.

sure, sometimes i wish i had a group of cool friends (male and female), and maybe they are out there and i will run into them sometime in my life. i hope that can happen for me, as it's been something that i've never really been able to get a handle on. i've had many friends come and go in my life, as everyone has, but most people have a few close friends that have lasted them throughout the years. that's something i can't say i have unfortunately. my sister has a couple of friends that she's been close to now for like 19 years. to me, that's a major accomplishment. i remember the humiliation of finding an old friend on myspace who i thought was a really good friend to me in high school, only to find that he didn't know who i was, didn't remember me at all. I guess that’s how things go sometimes.

so, it finally happened

my parents sold their house. i can't believe it. i was so glad to hear though that the man who bought it isn't planning to tear it down. i think that would've made me cry because that is my childhood home. i think he's just planning on knocking down some walls and turning it into a one family home, instead of a two-family. i'm so glad it will still exist though, and i can't still pass by it and reminisce about being a child.

i went to visit my parents last night and my mom went into the attic looking for an album with pictures from our family trip to Europe, Paris and France, that we took as my college graduation present. i miss those pictures and wanted to see the album again. she couldn't find it, and started rummaging around in a ll the attic clutter. there was some funny stuff up there, and stuff i can't believe she was holding on to. i saw several of my old barbies, an old blue she-ra (princess of power!) lunch box filled with toys that i used to play with when i was little, and my sister's and my original baptism dresses, which had delicate white lace that was yellowing with age. she said she kept them for sentimental reasons, and to give to her granddaughters one day on their baptisms. that is if my sister and i have any baby girls.

i found 2 old paintings that belonged to my grandpa, and i took one because i liked it so much and didn't want it sold in the garage sale my mom is planning to have before they move out. its a painting of a lake, with a path beside it, with the focal point being a big tree with dark orange leaves and a very dark trunk, almost black. i loved the color of the leaves and decided to take the painting for myself. my mom also gave me some heels that were my aunts that are pretty nice, but more for a special occasion. i was happy to find that those fit me :)

with all the clutter up in my mom's attic, it's going to take a full day probably to clear it out, all the old religious paintings that belonged to my grandparents, old broken coffee table and exercise equipment, my sister's high school yearbooks, some scrapbook albums my grandpa made with pictures of colombia, all types of old clothes that my mom meant to send to charity, old purses, luggage, etc. and on and on. i can't believe it's all still there. so when they move, my parents will try to find a half way point to make it easy to get to both my apartment and my sister's house. thankfully they are not planning to be too far away. it will make me sad to not be able to go back to the place where i grew up though. major change and major shift in my psyche at the same time. it's like the period placed on the last sentence of being a child.

fashionistas

lately, i've been getting into that show, the rachel zoe project. mostly, its for the fashion. but its also for the fascination of the glamorous lifestyle that she lives. it can get annoying to watch, especially with her overuse and strange annunciation of the word 'literally' but overall, it's really entertaining. kind of like watching 'confessions of a shopaholic' without all that godawful slapstick comedy. rachel zoe really loves clothes and fashion, and is passionate about it, that you can see right away. i became entranced with her jewelry collection, which she sold on a recent episode to benefit a charity for ovarian cancer research. she had all kinds of amazing, one of a kind jewelry that was so beautiful, and she had close to 1,000 pieces all together. gold, beaded, every color, every style, bracelets, necklaces, earrings- all designer, and beautiful. i started reading more about her and it turns out she will soon be coming out with her own line of jewelry and handbags, and everything will be affordable, like under $100.

seeing that episode about her jewelry was just so nice because it was a reminder about the fun of fashion and the way you can use it to express who you are, or a mood you are in, just for the hell of it. and its fun to think of frivolous things like that sometimes, and take a break from all the big existential questions in life. at least for me, it's a nice thing to simply admire and imagine and dream about. like losing yourself in a fashion magazine for a while. tonight's episode was about her trip to paris fashion week, and seeing her attend the shows of stella mccartney, marc jabobs, luis vuitton, chanel, karl lagerfeld, all these amazing people and then the city itself. it's a total dream. i remember, i've been there.

tomorrow i start my first day of my new proofreading class, hopefully it goes well. it's been a nice time since last thursday because my boss has been on vacation and will be out all week, so i'll have plenty of free time tomorrow to read the reviews of rachel zoe's book called 'style, a to zoe' or something like that. i have to get back to reading 'the lost symbol' by dan brown, because earlier tonight i stumbled on one of those oh my god! didn't see that coming! moments in the book and i just have to keep reading.

my job would really be lovely if only i didn't have a boss...

energy flows where attention goes

“Life is like a mirror, you get the best results when you smile at it”
-Unknown

i read this quote today on thehealthylivinglounge.com and it really struck me with its truth. isn't it true that when you are feeling moody and awful, that a bunch of things get in your way all day and make you feel worse? or you find that people are especially mean and rude? i know that happens to me. that's why negative states of mind are so unhealthy and i try to avoid them as much as a i can. i do everything possible to try to lift my mood and feel better again. because i know it will only yield bad things if i continue to be negative and hostile.

on those days when you feel great, confident, full of energy and happy, isn't it true that the whole world and everyone you come into contact with responds to you with that same kind of positivity? it's strange but what we expect is what usually happens, and if we expect people to be kind and open, if we project that outwards, then it usually comes back to us. i think it's harmful to harbor resentment. or to be so self absorbed that other people completely annoy and bother you. everyone is going through their own struggles in life, and i try to keep that in mind before getting annoyed with perfect strangers throughout my day.

the other day i got angry at a crossing guard who stops the traffic for people crossing the street to get to the train in the morning, just because he told me to smile. actually he said (with a smile), 'it's ok, you can smile.' there's really no harm in that, in wanting to see someone else smiling, but i got so offended thinking that i shouldn't be told to smile because i'm not a morning person, and part of my mind is still in my bed. but that attitude wasn't going to be serving me at all. it would just be starting off my day on a negative note. and for what? just a day later and waking up happier, i realized there is no harm in smiling and saying good morning to someone, especially the first person you come in to contact with every day. everyone likes to feel acknowledged just because we are human beings, and it doesn't seem right to ignore someone crossing your path.

i like to wish kindness on my fellow commuters on the train in morning with this silent Buddhist kindness prayer (below), which i found on thehealthylivinglounge.com as well as in the book 'happy for no reason.' It was the most memorable part of the book to me (and I quickly committed it to memory), because it's such a simple way to bring more happiness and peace into your heart.

I usually focus on one person at a time who is seated near me and pray-

May you be happy,
May you be healthy,
May you be at peace,
May you live with ease

be kind to yourself

i think it may be time to stop the constant interior monologue. to just try to be in the moment and enjoy life for what it is. someone recently reminded me that the grass always seems greener on the other side, but in actuality, no one's life is perfect. like christian slater says in the movie heathers- 'everyone's life's got static.' i've been in this frame of mind recently of stopping the need for perfection and just accepting myself as i am. it's not easy. but i'm trying. if i'm someone who's more of a homebody, who enjoys taking naps and watching movies, then who cares really? it's my life.

i can't be on all the time. i can't be moving forward and progressing every minute of every day. when the day comes that i feel more social, i'll reach out more to others. if what makes me happy is reading and going online and looking up stuff like committing random acts of kindness, then that's my thing. i can't enjoy living if i'm constantly worrying that i'm somehow not good enough. by who's definition? sometimes you need to just let go and let God. sometimes you have to see yourself as good enough. and love yourself as you are.it's worth it just for the mental break. it's worth it just to silence the inner critic for a while. while i'm busy complaining about myself, i'm missing out on beauty in life, on fun and simplicity, and most importantly, on the present moment.

it doesn't serve anyone at all to project into the future. it's one thing to imagine yourself in an ideal way and work towards your dreams. it's another thing to beat yourself up over every little perceived fault. i tend to forget that it's ok to be human. it's ok to be tired after a long day. it's ok to be in a bad mood sometimes and know that it will pass. it's ok to feel that you need to work on yourself, but all the work doesn't need to be done instantly or all at once.

there are so many other more productive things that can be done with your time. you can see how you can help or serve others, improve their lives, give back some of the gifts you have been blessed with and share them, whether its time, money, words, art, whatever. trying to be perfect is exhausting. helping other people and not being self-obsessed is rewarding.

i found this list online and kept it as my daily to-do list. i can't remember which website it came from-

·connect – develop interpersonal relationships.

·be active – sports, gardening, walking, dancing, etc.

·be curious – notice the beauty of everyday moments as well as the unusual.

·learn – the challenge and satisfaction bring joy and confidence.

·give – helping friends and strangers links your wellness to a larger community.

100 things i miss

1. my mother's cooking on a daily basis
2. driving
3. the show 'daria'
4. new Garbage albums
5.meditating (i'm trying to get back into the habit)
6. my hair actually looking good
7. my body actually looking good
8. not being on medication
9. my friend idalmis
10. my friend liana
11. my nephew
12. the endless supply of energy i used to have for reading and writing
13. lazy mornings of staying home from school
14. snow days
15. bike riding in the park
16. my piano lessons
17. dance class
18. poetry readings i used to attend in college
19. my cousin eric who moved to texas
20. my cousin victor who i hardly get to see
21. being a temp (because no one cared if i came into work or not)
22. certain aspects of living with my parents
23. having pets because i didn't have to take care of them
24. feeling free of responsibilities
25. the flexible schedule of college classes
26. hugs from my mom
27. hugs from friends
28. going out just to hang out, without having anywhere in particular to go
29. having the guts to meet strangers and try to make friends
30. having someone to back me up at work
31. great old shows like melrose place (the remake can't compare)
32. my meditation class/group that i used to see a lot
33. when i didn't have to do laundry
34. when i didn't have to cook for myself
35. when i didn't have to worry about gaining weight
36. my 20's
37. being in my teens and knowing my whole life was ahead of me
38. the show 'charmed' even though it was corny
39. the show 'clean sweep' that made saturday mornings great
40. when i was allowed to leave early from work when it wasn't busy
41. when all my overtime wasn't terribly scrutinized
42. living in my old town of hoboken, nj where everyone was around my age
43. feeling like my point of view mattered
44. my old blog on the garbage.com site
45. having more time for myself for reading and writing and meditating
46. my life before i ever had a panic attack
47. the way living at home made me feel free to quit jobs i didn't like
48. the gel pens i used to write with
49. when i liked my job
50. my happy/cozy childhood
51. passing notes in class, sending emails is just not the same
52. learning something new, though i start classes again next month
53. not having a work blackberry
54. not having a boss that would start me on projects at the end of the day, and on fridays!
55. feeling like i belonged in a group of friends, even though they would annoy me at times
56. my friend jeff
57. my friend taka
58. the entertainment of reading angels and demons
59. the entertainment of reading the da vinci code
60. the days when i actually felt rested after sleeping
61. the days when i wasn't addicted to coffee
62. watching a movie in a theater without having to watch people texting and checking their phones
63. watching a movie and not having it ruined by people talking
64. working without having my boss shout at me from their office
65. working someplace where i didn't have to attend work functions that are far away from the office
66. being young and not needing to shave before going swimming
67. the days when i didn't have to grocery shop
68. the days before the wintertime would depress me
69. remembering my dreams more vividly
70. having summers off, not working
71. getting lost in music
72. models on the covers of magazines, instead of actresses
73. never running out of writing ideas
74. when i used to have energy to hang out by myself in the city after work
75. when i went to california with my family, i want to go back again because i hardly remember it
76. my family trip to europe. i was distracted by a relationship and couldn't really enjoy it fully
77. watching cartoons, bike riding, doing watercolors and staying up late in the summer with my cousins
78. when i used to meditate daily
79. going to the mall or shopping in the city with my mom and sister
80. the days when i didn't have to clean my place, clean the bathroom
81. the days when i used to get christmas gifts from my aunts
82. school days of writing poetry during class
83. visitng my sister at her apartment
84. drinking strawberry milk before i knew how many calories were in it
85. same as above but chocolate milk instead of strawberry
86. the days before i would worry about counting calories
87. every single day when i felt great about myself and my looks
88. the days when i used to be able to go out at night, see a band and have drinks and still be able to get up for work the next day
89. the days before reality television
90. the days before everyone in the U.S. had a cell phone
91. the days i should have been thinking carefully about which major to choose
92. Christmas breaks from school
93. the barnes and noble that used to be in the east village
94. CBGB's
95. the joyce leslie store that used to be in the east village
96. going to outdoor movies and plays
97. the feeling after getting a great haircut
98. when i was little and my mom would buy me and my sister little suprise gifts
99. when we used to go pick up my mom from her night job. my dad would drive me and my sister to the city on friday nights and it was fun because we were little. it was the start of the weekend
100. my dreamy vision of what living on my own would be like

*just want to add that making a list of 100 things you are grateful for is a much more positive and uplifting thing to do if you're looking for a writing prompt! i made a list of 100 things i'm grateful for in my regular paper journal and going back and rereading it always helps to lift me out of a bad mood

in another time

i think i was still free then
still alive and in a moral way
a red lip stain
some shiny strands, a gleam in the eye
i looked straight ahead
i didn't sense whats coming
i didn't know the truth

being aloof and alone. a mystery.
someone afraid and just holding on
to being someone else, too young, too naive
and yet free, and yet trapped
inside

i chose hiding
it was easier
i chose a shadow instead of shining my light
i think i was alive then
and the air screamed for me to wake-
and take
action, take them all by storm
i turned away
i turned within
became something sullen
became unaware
i grew into their stares, becoming nothing more
than a background figure
a spectator, something perhaps caught in a glimpse
of mist

in a whisper
of words never spoken, a wind that broke
swirling deep inside
i knew then what i don't know now
i was someone else in that yesterday
i spoke to you in dreams and somehow withdrew
all that i was
and all that i knew

relax into the mystery

"Absorb what is useful, Discard what is not, Add what is uniquely your own.”
~Bruce Lee

i like this quote. anything that promotes individuality, is something that i am drawn to. i feel ashamed most of the time. ashamed that i have become a conformist. and in a lot of ways i still dream of a completely different life. a life that i am no where near living. and it gets to me. i start to think about things and wonder, how important is this job/apartment/town/item i own to me? can i let it go and start over? can i do things without a safety net for once? go out on a limb and take a risk? its something that i fantasize about but don't have much courage to do. recently something happened to me at work that made me consider the possibility of losing my job. and somehow it didn't terrify me. i thought i would have new opportunities and no more excuses for not doing what i really want to try.

and i start to think well, things aren't so bad, but they aren't amazingly great either, and how long can i realistically sit with all this complacency? won't it drive me crazy in the end? cause a nervous breakdown? doesn't everyone deserve an amazingly great life and shouldn't they devote some time to figure out how to get one?

i try to think that i'm doing the best i can. that's all well and good but when you come down to it, i'm not seizing the day or the moment. i'm not doing the things that i long for. and i'm living in a way that does not relate to the real me. it's really hard to fit in with society. to live a 9 to 5 life, to work for the weekends, and dread all your mondays. and it shouldn't have to be that way. life wasn't meant to be lived that way. we are human beings, not machines. we should not live to work. we should not watch our lives go by in a blur as we strive for the bigger and better salary/house/reward.

we only get so many days on this earth. its a shame how we waste them all the time, with television, with too much sleeping, with isolation, with weariness and exhaustion. i'm all too aware of this. but it's hard to know how to change. i've always dreamed of being someone different. someone more social and less of a homebody. somehow i think my life would be so different and have more excitement. but how can i do that when it's not in my nature? how can i fight and overcome that shyness and fear? it's so hard to do what you know you should do. i know i should exercise more, write more, meditate, see my family more, make more friends,but i don't. even though i know these things will make me happy. why?

hee hee hee!

sometimes you just need a good laugh-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt60_8I6IUw

La Valse D'Amelie

i saw a ballet dance troupe perform a dance to this song from the movie 'Amelie' recently, they performed in an outdoor plaza in front of a bank near my job downtown. and something about this music just struck something deep within me, and made me feel happy and at peace the whole day




the song is called "La Valse D'Amelie"

beauty or comfort?

wow, talk about a run of bad luck. i've had a tough week to say the least, and now my computer seems to have eaten my favorite CD, Blondie by Blondie. wonderful. anyway, hopefully this ends soon and i can get back to feeling normal.

i was thinking about this question today, is it better to dress for comfort or for fashion? and it happened to be posed on the last page of the allure magazine issue i was reading. i usually dress for comfort, almost always actually. but sometimes it is fun to dress up for fashion and for feeling glamourous. some women swear by high heeled shoes, even for the workday. that's something i don't think i could ever do. i feel like i'm already tall enough and i love my comfortable flats. but once in a while, it's nice to be showy with a pair of heels, like for a party or a special night out on the town. wearing them just makes you feel different, they make you feel more graceful and feminine, give shape to your legs, and make you walk with more power and confidence. like it's a real accomplishment just be to able to walk in them! and for a little while, great heels can make you feel beautiful and sexy.

i've been longing for a pair of red ankle boots ever since i saw them on mary kate olsen in this picture. she once said that the right shoes can immediately change any outfit and make it special. even if the rest of what you are wearing is really not that impressive:

mary kate olsen, kate moss, shirley manson, debbie harry, sienna miller, (most of the time) all japanese/asian women, have the best style and are the ones i most look to for inspiration. i think because their style is unique to them, which is something that is so hard to do, to come up with your own personal look that when people see it they recognize it immediately.

heels hurt your feet and are hard to walk in, but they look fabulous. straight hair looks lovely, but it takes about an hour to get it to look right, and that's if there is zero humidity out there. sometimes i wish i could be really petitie, have smaller breasts, smaller arms, a tiny frame, so that way certain dresses and long necklaces and jewelry would look better on me, more like a statement done on purpose rather than looking like i'm trying too hard. i used to be really ok with my body and my look, but now i'm mostly trying to make do with what i have. how do these actresses get this skinny anyway? do they smoke and drink coffee all day? is that the trick? i wish i knew. i wish i could do it myself so i could feel like someone that stands out from the crowd again.

it's friday again, thank God

i'm still trying to throw out 50 things. it's been really slow going. so far this is all i have to add to my list:

16. green dress that never fit (too big)
17. black dress that never fit (too tight)
18. brown wooden heart earrings ($1 impulse buy)
19. piece of broken smoke detector i found in my closet
20. old catalogues
21. book, 'writing without the muse'

i got some new clothes from alloy.com that were shipped extremely fast so they arrived today :) so i felt better about getting rid of some older stuff. still wish i could let go of more though so that my closet can breathe. i honestly forget sometimes the clothes that i own, and then certain pieces never get worn. i'm so happy tomorrow is friday. this whole week has been so busy and i feel really tired. i think the hardest part about clearing clutter (besides clothes) is clearing my inbox of old emails. i have books filled with writing exercises, and yet i feel a need to collect even more writing exercises in a folder that i named 'journal jar' in my email inbox. and then i have another folder of inspirational quotes which i never read. and then i have older emails from friends of the past who i wish would return to my life. i tried reaching out to an old friend recently who i used to hang out with a lot but he never replied after his first reply. thought that's probably also because he was busy preparing to leave to japan for his first photography exhibition. i am so jealous. i would love to go to japan someday.

i'm still trying to lose about 5 lbs and it's getting irritating that the scale will not move. i'm 125 now and want to go down to 120. i don't feel comfortable at this weight, even if i look ok. i don't like my pants and dresses fitting tightly, and feeling like my stomach is hanging out. it's hard to eat healthy, but i am trying. i'm forcing myself. i'm drinking more water, eating more fruit, not eating too late at night, trying to keep my meals small. it's not easy. if i have vegetables and meat for dinner lets say, i get so hungry at night before bed. maybe it would help to try to get to bed earlier.

my neighbors in my apartment complex have been extremely loud tonight. it's been nothing but loud banging noises and loud talking outside, and kids running around and screaming and all this, and i'm like what the hell? when did this place turn into the circus? i really wanted to write poetry today, to post something more interesting here, but i just didn't have any inspiration. i couldn't get into that frame of mind at all. so happy that i have 2 long weekends coming up, maybe somehow i can get back to my creativity. it also doesn't help that the photographer behind joesnyc.com (nyc photo blog) has gone on a bunch of vacations and stopped posting pictures for long stretches of time. i really like going to his site each day to see the new photo, and it always makes me happy and sometimes even inspires writing. right now i think his site says that new photos will be returning september 4th. oh well

last weekend i went to see 'district 9' due to my bf's prompting. and i actually really enjoyed it more than i was expecting to. sure was different! i'm so glad project runway is back on the air with a new season. and now they have a spin off show called 'models of the runway' about the models who appear regularly on project runway. finally something to watch on tv! i think i'd rather die than watch courtney and chloe take miami.

throwing out 50 things

so with my free time at work, i like to read articles on line about home organization and decluttering. and i came across this book called 'throw out 50 things.' i forgot the author's name but i thought it sounded interesting so i started reading it at a bookstore during my lunch break. and i found the website when i got home, it's called throwoutfifitythings.com or something. if you look up that phrase in google, it's the first site that comes up. i thought it was interesting because on the web page the author has a downloadable workbook where you can type in all the 50 things you threw out individually, as a long list. this helps you to feel lighter at the end of the process when you see how much you were able to let go of and let out of your life. so i decided to try this. so far i have thrown out (or will give to my mom to donate) 15 things. here's my list so far:

My Throw-Outs-
1.old photos
2.black and white earrings (unwanted gift)
3.Peace sign earrings (unwanted gift)
4.Light pink bracelet- out of style
5.Wings of joy book
6.witch in every woman book
7.old ratty pashmina
8.old computer‘s drivers
9.relaxation book
10.ugly kitchen tablecloth that I never liked
11.Old, stained placemats
12.clothes I got tired of/don‘t fit
13.wireless router
14.old wallet
15. deck of 'uno' cards

in the process i found:

-an extra package of band aids that i will bring to the office for paper cuts. i bought a new pack for home without realizing i already had one!

-my alarm clock manual which i really needed to figure out why the alarm wouldn't go off. i finally fixed it

-a bottle of prescription medication that i used to use but still hasn't expired so it will save me money. i don't have to refill the one i have for a while

-the installation CDs for Microsoft works suite from my old computer, which i need to install onto my new computer. yes!

-a small empty box to use for jewelry storage in my dresser drawer

-lots of products that i've bought over the years to attempt to straighten my hair. have to try to let some of these go

-----------------------

i also read a feng shui article about being aware of the first thing you see at you enter your home. as that is the thing that 'greets' you and any guests you have as soon as you arrive. i realized that this thing for me was the garbage can and recycling bag in my kitchen! i sure am tired of seeing that as soon as i open the door to my apartment. so i moved some things around under my sink and put the garbage can in there, and also put the bag with the recyclables behind my table and out of site. and it's nice to see more of the floor and now i can properly get to mopping it.

as i was throwing out the garbage i came across this single rose just lying across from the garbage cans on a neighbor's ledge at the side of their yard. i felt like it was so out of place and had to go back and photograph it. i wish i could be one of those people who keeps a cool photo blog. there are so many times when i wish i had my camera, and things just end up going unnoticed. and i just take a mental picture of them for myself.

not feeling great

i've gone a long time without posting, because i haven't been feeling great about myself. so i've been writing and whining more in my regular journal since i felt i had nothing of use to post on here. so i'll just post this pic of the lotus flower painting my bf made me for my birthday. it's so pretty....

meditation tip of the day

taken from http://www.deeshan.com/:

Monday 10 August 2009

Aloneness is a flower, a lotus blooming in your heart.
Aloneness is positive, aloneness is health.
It is the joy of being yourself.
It is the joy of having your own space.
Meditation means: bliss in being alone.

Osho

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7 things i'm grateful for today-

1. air conditioning

2. get a bonus of $10 from one of the directors at work for the help i gave him on some projects he didn't have time to get to. so now i can buy myself a nice cool mocha latte tomorrow :)

3. get a pretty copper hair barrett as a gift from a sales rep at work who bought it on a trip he just got back from

4. this friday is payday. so i can buy another electronic book! i'm almost done with eat, pray, love

5. my boss approving my time off request for monday 8/31 (verbally at least)

6. having time to read and relax

7. fragrant candles

eat, pray, love

i'm currently in the middle of reading 'eat, pray, love' by elizabeth gilbert, and it's a really entertaining book. it's written almost like a novel in style. i like her writing voice and can tell that she is passionate about writing. she's good at laying out a scene and explaining her thought processes and actions in a way that the reader can easily picture. she eats in italy, prays and meditates in india, and finds love in indonesia. i'm currently in the middle of the india section of the book. and it's hard to put down. i noticed what's weird about the sony reader though. i can't underline any passages that i find especially meaningful! that's kind of annoying. so i have to stop reading and find a piece of paper to jot down the passages that stand out to me. it's a small annoyance considering that the alternative is carrying around the actual heavy book everywhere i go. it's really hard to stop reading it, because it's written in such a relateable way, as if it could be your own journey that she is describing. i heard this memoir may become a movie starring julia roberts. i'm so glad that i'm reading the memoir now, so the movie doesn't spoil the story for me. i keep thinking what an amazing thing it is that this author did, travelling to these countries all alone in order to find herself, and to discover the truth about herself and how she sees the world. that sounds like something most people just dream about, people like me.

my favorite quote from the book so far (which is actually a quote within a quote):

It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection

-The Bhagavad Gita

i should have been writing

that afternoon when it was raining and he was painting. i should have been writing. instead of drifting off to sleep yet again. it could be the medication i'm on. making me gain weight and making me sleepy all the time. unable to find my interest in things again. it's frustrating. but if i get off of it, i worry about the anxiety returning. and i wonder if i'll become too anxious to eat again. once you have had anxiety severe enough to have panic attacks, it's hard to imagine ever going back to any kind of normalcy.

i always feel better in the summer. i sat on the train the other day on my way to work, listening to music and watching the morning sunlight glistening through the window, above the heads of the passengers sitting in front of me. and i felt so much gratitude fill my heart. gratitude for having a job to go to. gratitude that boss would be out of the office. gratitude for having good music to listen to. gratitude for my family who loves me. gratitude that i wasn't all bundled up and cramped on the train with a bunch of school kids carrying their huge backpacks. gratitude for being alive. i love those moments. i felt serene, whole, and happy.

i know that i need more motivation. i want to have a body that's fit and in shape, but i need to find motivation to exercise. i need to remember that now is my chance. once the winter comes then i'll be stuck inside most of the time. and the opportunity won't be there as much. i hate the feeling that summer is slipping by. i wish it could never end. i wish it could go on forever. and i could feel inspired and happy, people watching during my lunch hour at the park, by the seaport, getting a chance to look at the water and the river without feeling cold. i feel like there's so much to write about. but reading is easier. i feel like there's so much to do, but i get paralyzed and overwhelmed by all the choices and options.

i know i need to make a first step, towards a life without regret, towards a youth that i will remember fondly, towards a life that's waiting for me to jump in and live it.