i should have been writing

that afternoon when it was raining and he was painting. i should have been writing. instead of drifting off to sleep yet again. it could be the medication i'm on. making me gain weight and making me sleepy all the time. unable to find my interest in things again. it's frustrating. but if i get off of it, i worry about the anxiety returning. and i wonder if i'll become too anxious to eat again. once you have had anxiety severe enough to have panic attacks, it's hard to imagine ever going back to any kind of normalcy.

i always feel better in the summer. i sat on the train the other day on my way to work, listening to music and watching the morning sunlight glistening through the window, above the heads of the passengers sitting in front of me. and i felt so much gratitude fill my heart. gratitude for having a job to go to. gratitude that boss would be out of the office. gratitude for having good music to listen to. gratitude for my family who loves me. gratitude that i wasn't all bundled up and cramped on the train with a bunch of school kids carrying their huge backpacks. gratitude for being alive. i love those moments. i felt serene, whole, and happy.

i know that i need more motivation. i want to have a body that's fit and in shape, but i need to find motivation to exercise. i need to remember that now is my chance. once the winter comes then i'll be stuck inside most of the time. and the opportunity won't be there as much. i hate the feeling that summer is slipping by. i wish it could never end. i wish it could go on forever. and i could feel inspired and happy, people watching during my lunch hour at the park, by the seaport, getting a chance to look at the water and the river without feeling cold. i feel like there's so much to write about. but reading is easier. i feel like there's so much to do, but i get paralyzed and overwhelmed by all the choices and options.

i know i need to make a first step, towards a life without regret, towards a youth that i will remember fondly, towards a life that's waiting for me to jump in and live it.