Thursday, September 29, 2011

trying for calm

i've been out of the office for two weeks now and wonder if my boss has pulled her hair out yet from stress. i doubt it. more than likely she has adjusted, and my working for her or not is not the life or death situation she made it out to be, drowning me with impossible deadlines and forcing me to work at the speed of light. who knows? maybe she was trying to drive me out by driving me crazy so she could hire someone better. but if that were the case, i don't think she would've made it so hard for me to transfer to another department.

i'm slowly trying to regain myself without stressing out about whether or not my disability application will be approved or if i will find another job and avoid moving back home with my parents. nothing against my parents, i love them, but i feel too old to have to live with them and like a loser if i find that i can no longer support myself. if only there was a way to get the feeling you get from taking medication without actually having to take it and suffer the side effects. there are ways, you can exercise and meditate (provided you have a quiet place which i do not) but these things take time, effort and motivation. i use writing when i can't exercise, though exercise also helps me feel good and better about myself.

i want to feel hopeful. maybe i've been forced to pause so that i can reconsider and rediscover my dreams, and try to figure out if they are really mine or if they are just dreams that i thought i should strive for according to other people's opinions. i find it very hard to assert myself, my individuality, because i'm a huge people pleaser, and i want to make my parents proud of me. i want to be happy, but the only way to get there is to try different things, different goals and career paths because the ones i have been in so far have not done it for me.

so i'm trying to rediscover all the things about myself that were previously overshadowed by my work anxiety which was all-consuming. i think i am getting there, slowly but surely. i need a new plan for my life. one that feels more authentic and actually fits me better. i don't know how to get there but i know it's ok to ask for help, and i shouldn't be too proud or ashamed to do so. no one's life is perfect and without issues, and i have to be ok with the fact that i can stumble and still pick myself up and keep going. if i run out of money, it's not the end of the world, i can get myself out of the dilemma. i can think of other possibilities, i can try to learn from other people, meet new people and expand my ideas about how to live in this world successfully.

there are no guarantees in life. but i don't want to get to the end of my life knowing that i failed at something because i never even gave myself the chance to try. life is meant to be lived and appreciated, and i shouldn't be going through it acting as if i'm half asleep. i need to wake up and learn from the world, and from myself, and find the place where i truly belong.

Friday, September 16, 2011

a new beginning

i decided to try to take a short term disability from my job. actually, my mind and body decided for me. i know logically that i can't go to work for the same boss, who causes me heart palpitations, stress, anxiety, shallow breathing and dizziness, not to mention worry in the evenings about having the ability to do all the work she is going to lay on me the very next day. communicating with her is impossible. she blocks me from trying to move to other departments in the company, she has no sympathy and seemingly, no soul. and i just can't handle it anymore.

i know that life is too short to be doing a job i hate every single day. it's eroding my life away and i have to give myself the chance to find something better. to find a job where i can work at a more sane pace and have some peace of mind that i can still making a living without running myself into the ground, or having panic attacks on my morning train ride to work. it's just not worth it and my mental health matters more to me. i feel burned out and exhausted. this is the first time in my life where all i really feel like doing is sleeping, recovering, shutting out the outside world, ignoring my responsibilities for a while, and simply take care of myself. if i don't do it, no one else will.

i want to remember what it feels like to be human, to rediscover my personality, and stop feeling like a robot who exists only to take orders- while my spirit just suffocates. that is not success,  no matter what my salary is. and it is definitely not happiness.

i don't want to wake up in the morning with my heart racing anymore, i'm done.

Friday, September 09, 2011

a repost- Sept 11, 2001, questions and thoughts

I wrote this on 5/9/02 in response to a series of prompts i found online relating to September 11, 2001. they were meant to preserve the memory of the day for future generations.

1. Where were you and what were you doing when you first heard the news of the attack on America, Sept 11, 2001? i was on an express bus just coming out of the Battery Tunnel, when the entire bus was in a little commotion and everyone began to go to the right side to look up out of the windows. we were a few blocks from the towers and we could see thick black smoke consuming the top of one of the towers. everyone was confused, but i just thought it was a fire, nothing to be alarmed about, they would just put it out and that would be it. i was on the bus because i was on my way to a temp agency to act as a stand-by temp who comes in the morning for last minute assignments.

2. What were your first thoughts and feelings upon hearing the news? What were the first things you commented on? the bus turned on to the expressway by the water and everyone had learned from listening to headphones/radio that a second plane had hit, and we had just learned about the first- which everyone assumed had just been an accident. there was a woman on the bus with a radio and everyone watched her and waited for news to clear up their confusion. she said that a second plane had hit the second tower, and it was now confirmed that was a deliberate act. everyone stared out the left side windows now, horrified, trying to use their cell phones and assure loved ones that they were all right. i would get peeks at the World Trade Center between the buildings as the bus moved along swiftly, each time it was a more horrific sight.

i remember first seeing what looked like paper- millions of papers flying through the air, shooting out from a burning hole in one of the towers. you could see the force of the wind, or the suction or something in the shining sunlight, it looked as if the top of the tower was spewing papers right at the expressway and river on our right. i looked at the water and it was littered with what looked like white paper, but which we later learned was pieces of shrapnel from the actual buildings.

by this time the top of both towers were in flames. i was sitting next to a young blonde girl who was trying to reach her boyfriend on his cell phone because he worked as a janitor at the World Trade Center. luckily though, his shift began around 4:00 that day, so he hadn't been there or arrived. she kept saying 'oh shit' as she dialed, telling me that all their friends work in the towers as well.

i tried to call my mother but the cell phone did not work. when i looked back out at the towers, i got a full clear view and gasped, covering my mouth with my free hand as my eyes grew large trying to capture and grasp what i saw. trying to understand and process. the entire length of both towers was covered with black smoke, like two glowing matchsticks, and i could only think.. 'i thought they were going to stop it- put the fires out, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??' patches of dark black smoke covered almost every recognizable silver piece of the towers and i could see small red flames shooting out to the sky from some of the center windows and upper windows of one tower. i turned back to face the front of the bus and thought to myself, 'my God, there are people burning in there right now. how are they going to get out?'

my mom called my cell phone and finally it went through and she asked me where i was, i told her i was on the bus and i would try to get to her job. she works in midtown. the bus driver was confused about being told to divert through brooklyn and leave all the passengers there (which worried me and my mom) but then he got different instructions to continue on his route but only up until the stop after mine, which was 42nd street. i told my mom he was going to stop at 34th st and that i'd be there soon. the bus driver also spoke on a cell phone, asking the person on the other end if his son was all right.

by this time, everyone was weary, panicky, and one woman started to cry. i remember hearing another console her saying, 'don't cry.' everyone was very confused and i just wanted to see my mother and tell her what i had seen. as i entered her building, they told me to go downstairs where she was and i went and saw her and hugged her hard. i was afraid and just glad to see she was ok. i told her what i had seen- both towers completely enveloped in smoke, from way down by the ground. i couldn't believe it-it was unlike anything i'd ever seen.

my mother had a portable radio and she heard as the spanish DJs described what was happening. we went out to the sidewalk and looked up at the tops of the towers and they were still aflame, there were crowds of people standing around and just staring up, or trying to use their cell phones. oddly though, there were other people just strolling by casually as if nothing was out of the ordinary. there was an electronics store near us that turned the news on their TVs and a small group of people, including us, crowded in front of it, everyone just looked on in shock. one man, with cell phone in hand, told the people standing close to him that he was supposed to be at the towers that morning for a breakfast meeting, but he'd been running late. he spoke somberly as if he didn't believe his own words. everyone felt the same confusion.

on the TV screen we all watched in the store, they showed footage of the pentagon in washington DC, which has also been hit by a plane and now appeared to lie in ruins. they also announced that a number of planes were still circling the air, their targets unknown. a shot of the New York skyline appeared then on the screen, but you couldn't see any of the buildings. the entire city was hidden by thick, black, billowing smoke. it was just smoke on the island of Manhattan, smoke on top of water, and below that unbelievable scene flashed these words "NYC ON FULL TERRORIST ALERT." the words flashed again and again, like an emergency signal, and the last place i wanted to be, was where i was standing- midtown Manhattan.

i walked around the block to try to call my sister and tell her we were all right. but there was a short line to use the pay phones because all cell phones had gone dead. as i waited behind a girl using the pay phone i heard her say, 'the building just fell. i saw it,' and i was shocked, there was no way it could be real, there was no way a tower had collapsed. at that moment i saw my mom leave her building again and walk around the corner where she could see the towers. i tried to call my sister, but i didn't get through, they told me she was teaching. when i crossed back to join my mother where we could see the towers- she turned around and looked at me with tears gathering in her voice as she said "the towers fell, there must be people dead"- she had heard it on the radio as the DJ said in spanish "The World Trade Center towers no longer exist." seeing her tell me, my stomach felt as if it had fallen out from under me. i looked up at where we had just seen the towers on fire, but now there was only pale smoke and blue sky.

at some point before, i went to one of the upper floors in my mother's building to try to use a phone and felt myself having a minor panic attack in the elevator. it was just unexpected and so strange. i felt very closed in all of a sudden, and like i could barely breathe. when we finally got back down to the lobby, people were fleeing the building in waves and for a moment i thought they were all dead, that we were all dead, like souls just waiting to be released by another imminent blast, i felt it coming in my bones. we were so close to the Empire State Building.

my mother and i were stuck in manhattan until around 7pm, sitting on benches in a small park, flinching at the sounds of planes flying overhead, trying to call and call until we could get through to our family and friends. the trains and ferries started to run again and the tunnels repoened. my father came to pick us up. i was 22 years old at the time.

Monday, September 05, 2011

the not long enough long weekend

for the past three fridays i have avoided work. the first friday, my boss let me leave early because she was attending a work event and would need me to hang around to work if i had nothing to do. the friday after that i took the day off because my boss was out of the office that week and i had no work to do. this past friday i was feeling way too anxious thursday night about all the work i'd been getting lately and was too worried about having to work closely with my boss again the next day.

i try to keep tolerating her, but it's been 4 long years and i think i'm done. it may sound like she is nice, letting me go home early that one friday, but the way she is makes me very anxious and i am a bit scared of her. the tone of her voice on the phone and even seeing her come in to work in the morning destroys my mood and stresses me out. i was better able to handle it when i was on anxiety medication, but now that i'm not i find it gets to be more and more difficult.

i tried my best to relax this weekend, had a nice friday night and saturday with my bf, and then watched a bunch of movies yesterday and clutter cleared some of my clothes. i tried to sleep in today but the people in the apartment above me have been making loud noise and banging around since 8am this morning, and then they started running a vaccuum so sleep was out of the question. i tried reading too but that's hard when it's noisy and disruptive. i hate living below other people. last night was fun because it was quiet and i got to watch some of my favorite dvd's, like blondie- behind the music, some random live blondie show from german tv in the 70s, and 'a perfect murder'. i was going to watch one more movie but then decided to read a  little bit and got sleepy. life is great when you don't have to get up early and work the next day.

this weekend i got to watch the movies 'limitless' and 'you and me and everyone we know.' both movies were good. the movie limitless really gets you thinking, how hard it is to go after your dreams and motivate yourself, and how easy it would be to take a little pill everyday that would clear your mind of distractions and give you a jolt of energy and motivation to really start living your life on purpose. it says a lot about our modern society and how we all want the magic fix, a pill to keep us from doing all the hard work in order to achieve success and well being. finding time to exercise, sleep enough and meditate and set your goals (your actual goals, not the ones that other people expect of you) is really hard work. it's hard finding a balance between your priorities and your daily responsibilities to keep yourself clothed and fed.

'you and me and everyone we know' was a simple story, trying a little too hard to be quirky, but was entertaining anyway. it kind of highlights how all people are a little lost and no one really knows the point of life or why they are here alive right now. i like films that examine those questions, or at least shed light on how people must actually feel beneath their socially acceptable masks.

last night i remembered the scene in the 'the haunting' i think it was (terrible movie) where catherine zeta-jones and a couple of other people are brought to a house to supposedly have their sleeping patterns and insomnia examined, but the house ends up being haunted. catherine's character says:

"You know what, the rest of you may hate your insomnia but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine. That's when I get all my best ideas... I'm alone, occasionally... with no distractions. My mind is racing with creative ideas and come 3 am I feel like a genius."

there is a lot of truth to that statement. i wonder what i could write if a had a clear mind and no distractions in the middle of the night, every night, for the rest of my life. living in a quiet house somewhere, with no traffic noise, no neighbor noise, no  boss, nothing but my books, my journals and my pens. what a dream it would be.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

writing prompts

being bored at work today, i started working on some 'lists of 10' prompts i found online:

10 things that I value about life are...


1. Sleep
2. Family
3. Nature
4. Writing
5. Being in love
6. Being minimalist
7. Freedom of choice
8. Trying new things-meeting people/eating something new/a new place/new music
9. Meditation
10. Free time
--------------------------------------------
 
10 good books that I have read are...


1. Aura (by carlos fuentes)
2. The Bell Jar
3. The Davinci Code
4. Angels and Demons
5. Clear your clutter with Feng Shui
6. the joy of less
7. Eat, Pray, Love
8. The way of love
9. Sister Carrie
10. The Radical Minimalist
11. (bonus) Writing down the Bones

----------------------
And one list of 50:

50 things I love to do


1. Write poetry
2. Read books
3. Listen to others
4. Relax
5. Sleep
6. Meditate
7. Take a hot bath
8. Watch movies
9. Read online articles
10. Visit thrift stores and flea markets
11. Look at babies
12. Redefine myself
13. Shop for clothes
14. Shop for jewelry
15. Spend time alone
16. Ride my bike
17. Listen to music
18. Discover new music
19. Drink wine
20. Write in my journal
21. Declutter
22. Play lottery scratch off games
23. Clear digital clutter
24. Write email
25. Watch ‘storage wars’
26. Reading about dumpster diving and trash art
27. Watch old daria and charmed episodes
28. Watch futurama
29. Eat chicken fried rice
30. Eat my mom’s cooking
31. Discover new authors
32. Go for a walk
33. People watch
34. Drink coffee
35. Chocolate!
36. Look at pictures
37. Work on personal projects
38. Sleep in
39. Break my routine
40. Travel to new places
41. Eat light
42. Proofread documents
43. Random acts of kindness
44. Turn in early- go to bed
45. Experience quiet
46. Exercise (when I finally get motivated to start)
47. Read fashion blogs
48. Read fashion magazines
49. Get hand me downs
50. Use unwanted gifts in creative ways

Friday, August 19, 2011

pics from a recent family party

me (love my asian print sheer jacket thing)!


me and my sis hugging


various cousins and me and my sis


sis with my beautiful neice, love the headband and polka dots! 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

i miss nina yau

castles in the air (the blog) hasn't been updated since july 30! where is nina?

anyway, aside from obsessively checking castles in the air for an update, i've been adjusting to a new work role. i'm still an administrative assistant but my boss was promoted and so now i have different work to do, thankfully! i was thankful also that she decided to take me with her, even though she can get on my nerves. i'm trying to be professional and look over personality conflicts. she is giving me some writing and bit of editing work so so far it has been a nice challenge, and kind of fun. it's definitely better than the boring old admin stuff i used to do, like order business cards and count applications for medicare. i notice that 4 years in one type of job seems to be my limit and then i get ancy. my brain gets bored and needs something new to stimulate it.

i feel tired tonight and instead of resting, i went out for a walk in the park. i feel the summer slipping by and want to grasp and enjoy as much of it as i can. the walk was especially nice when i had a chance to see the sun setting, low and a bright orange/red, peeking out beneath a cloud, while on the other side of the sky hung the moon at the same time. that's always awesome to see.

bf gave me a coupon for a discounted starbucks drink which i drank around 4pm and that wasn't smart. since during my walk i started to feel anxious and strange. though it could've also been the idea of having to be out for the next two nights in a row, which i always dread. i will be seeing 'the detroit cobras' play tomorrow night and i'm looking forward to that. it should be a good show. then on friday it's my sister's 35th birthday. i was going to go out with her on sunday but then she forgot about some plans she had and pushed our city brunch day back a bit. so i felt bad not going out to eat with her and my parents on friday night. even though i have to take two trains to get there after work. it will be worth it though to see my sister and my little niece and nephew.

i should be sleeping, but i have to blow dry my hair and only got to shower after watching two new episodes of storage wars. i really like that show but i wish they would only have one new episode on a week, so that it doesn't take up a full hour of my night. i guess this is what dvr's are for. but i just can't seem to spend extra money on something so unnecessary as that. especially since i don't watch a ton of shows or anything. this month, there are supposed to be new episodes starting up for the rachel zoe project, which i really can't wait for, i just hope the whole season doesn't end up becoming about her new baby or something, and sticks with the fashion and dressing celebrities and glamorous events and parties.

so i've gotten up to the 4th harry potter book in the series, 'harry potter and the goblet of fire.' after every book i've read, i rented and watched the movie which has been fun. i didn't think i'd get into it but jk rowling creates this whole fascinating world that you just fall into and get lost in and it's so much fun, so entertaining. i should be getting the dvd of 'harry potter and the prisoner of askaban' soon since i just finished that book. i'm so behind the times, these books came out so long ago, but better late than never. after i'm done, i'll give the first 5 books in the series (which i got for free thanks to my bf!) to my nephew, i know he will enjoy them when he's old enough to start reading novels. and then the last two i guess i will get from the library.

time for bed. harry potter can wait til the weekend. the goblet of fire book is huge, and i know if i start on it now i will be up until 3am reading. can't do that tonight!

Thursday, August 04, 2011

lost in the music

been into listening to a couple of old enrique iglesias songs lately. i never realized how much i liked some of those songs and they make commuting easier, i just close my eyes and imagine i'm on some tropical island somewhere have a cool drink and relaxing in the summer breeze. my favorite song of his is still 'tired of being sorry' and that video is great too (i posted it a few posts back on 6/12). that song has 38 plays on my ipod! i am so addicted to it. but these two below are new additions and good too.

i was in a really good mood today (maybe because i finally worked out last night for the first time in a long while) and every song i listened to just sounded great and made me happier. i hope the summer lasts this year a little longer than last. i remember it got cold pretty fast right in september last year. i just wish winter wouldn't happen at all.



Tuesday, August 02, 2011

couple of good quotes

“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.” — Rita Mae Brown


“Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Sunday, July 31, 2011

living with expectations

went to my cousin's wedding on friday which led of course to everyone, led by my mother asking, 'so who's next?' and pointing out that i'm not engaged or married yet. ugh once again. i really really hate that, feeling that there are expectations and that my life is being planned out for me without anyone even really asking me or caring about what i want. my mom was going on and on in the car on the way to the wedding about the year i'm going to get married, as if she knew, and where i was going to honeymoon. as if this was anything i was thinking about. she told me this awful story about how my cousin's fiance basically sat him down and said she didn't want to waste time or have kids when she's too old so he had better get serious about their future. maybe that works for some guys but to me it just sounded awful and demanding.

i kept stressing to my mom that i would rather things happen naturally, but she didn't seem to be listening. that's really what i believe though. after my cousin's fiance told her that, i would only imagine that he wondered if she truly loved him or was simply concerned with a big white wedding celebration and a ring. i think that's taking things a bit too far and can only lead to resentment in the long run. i feel like if someone wants to marry me then great, it will happen when the time is right. and if it doesn't, well then i'm not going to shoot myself in the head or anything. i can function independently just fine. getting married is not the ultimate goal in my life. my mom told me that my boyfriend will propose when i least expect it, as if she were trying to console me. i guess it's hard for people to understand that not every woman in her 30s is desperate to be married or she'll feel completely worthless.

why can't anyone get that it's my life and only i should be concerned with it? and if i'm happy that people should just back off? my mom keeps telling people that i'll be getting married in 2015 and honeymooning in cartagena colombia. that's a nice vision but it has nothing to do with me personally, and just because i'm her daughter it doesn't mean that my life can be dictated by her or anyone else. i wouldn't mind if it was just said once but it's said repeatedly. as if i'm going to give in to the idea without even considering my own heart and mind first. i mean i still struggle with trust issues, with divorce rates, and with the idea that anyone will ever even love me enough to want to be with me forever. its not something that i have ever aimed for or even thought possible. so why would i jump headfirst into making that my goal all of a sudden?

maybe i need to find myself a bit more first. maybe marriage is not in the cards for me. no one can predict the future. my sister asked if i thought i was wasting my time with my bf if it turns out we don't get married or break up one day or he never proposes. i thought that was crazy. if i thought i was wasting my time i wouldn't be with him. i'm lucky enough to have found love and i'm grateful for that. i have never been in a rush for anything more because i never even thought that would ever happen. and so i'm just enjoying the moment.

i mean the world could end next year and i don't think i should spend it single and lonely just because the person i'm with hasn't proposed yet. that is just insane to me and i don't get how people can think that way. i guess getting married and having kids is just that important to some people. my main goal has always just been to have a simple life, with as little stress as possible and as much happiness and peace as possible. i'm still trying to get a foothold in my career for goodness sake, and that's stressful enough without having to freak out about all other aspects of my life. i believe in letting things happen in their own time. none of us has a crystal ball. all we can do is live and experience and grow, and cultivate patience. oh and the big one- drop all expectations- of life, of people, of jobs, of your family, all expectations and allow others to simply be who they are.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

someone who did the best she could with the talent she had

i love this, and i love that she still writes.

Friday, July 22, 2011

babe, it must be art

so it reached something like 104 degrees in central park today, crazy! it was seriously hard to breathe outside. thank god for air conditioned offices. i haven't been writing here as much because i've been writing more in my paper journal. i came up with an idea for a play which i am so excited about, now i just hope i can pull off writing it. i haven't had the easiest time in the past coming up with fictional characters, but i'm willing to give it another try. i just love writing, and want to write something besides journal entries and poetry. something meaningful and poignant that will get people thinking.

i want to pour my heart and soul into a writing project and see it through to the end. i saw this move the other night on lifetime about the life of jk rowling called 'magic beyond words.' her story is SO inspiring and really got me thinking about what motivates me and makes me happy, and it's writing. always has been and always will be. i remember writing stupid scary stories when i was like 10, and writing my first poems and being mad whenever anyone else tried to help me with them. i wanted to do them myself.

my favorite assignment in the 6th grade was writing a poem about the winter. and i have kept journals for as long as i can remember, i still have the ones from when i was like 7 or 8, those are so funny to read. i also remember writing a short vampire love story when i was in high school about a vampire named troy and the human he loved named cynthia. maybe i could've been the one to write the twilight series, dammit!

jk rowling is the first (and only!) author to become a billionaire - ever! her and madonna are like the two richest women living in england.

anyway, i have to get to work on the play now, write up some character profiles.

this is one of the best songs ever recorded. i forgot about it completely until it started to play in the airport restaurant while i was having lunch with my bf before our flight to puerto rico.
i love the song. just listen and you'll see why.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011

heartbreaker

had a nice relaxing day off where i of course couldn't just relax and had to go out and get things done. i did some laundry and went to the library and cleaned a bit. i checked out about 8 CD's and already listened to two of them. one of them was a classic rock hits CD which contained this song, one of my favorites:



and one of the others was a luis miguel CD which i was so happy to find. the whole album is excellent but here is one song so you can see what i mean. it's the ultimate relaxation CD. it's called 'romance' and this song is called 'usted.' such beautiful lyrics if you understand spanish:



got back yesterday from a few days in san juan puerto rico with my sweetie bf. will post pics after i have given myself enough time to rest. i love not going to work! and that futurama is back on tv. i'm such a nerd. my mom asked if bf and i hit any clubs while on vacation, but that's not really our scene. we spent our time exploring old san juan, learning about and visiting battle ruins, and him sketching and my writing. and taking pictures and video of course. we went to relax and we don't even party here so i have no idea why she thought we'd be partying there! anyway, my body still aches from hauling my carry on in the airport. no check in luggage which saved us tons of time. will write more soon..

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

we can find new ways of living

got a form rejection email today from the company i interviewed with. they went with another person. so that's interview number three that didn't result in a job. guess i'm losing my touch. i got tons of temp jobs straight after college and eventually one of them ended up in a permanent placement, and that was in 2001, i graduate the may right before september 11, when there were supposedly no jobs, and i had no trouble. i guess i just wasn't meant to be at that company i interviewed with, or the two others.

i remember watching some program once where the speaker said to think of the most pressing problem in your life and keep in mind that a miracle may happen that will alleviate that problem. i can keep praying for a miracle to happen in my relationship with my boss, or my current career path, or keep looking for jobs. i'm not quite sure what to do at this point. so i'm just going to look forward to my upcoming vacation and try to forget that i will turn a year older on july 10.

songs of the day



Tuesday, July 05, 2011

down and feeling tired

i thought about writing this entry in my regular paper journal but since hardly anyone comes here and reads i guess it's safe to air my anger and sadness and frustration here. i had a really nice weekend, don't get me wrong. i love my boyfriend and being with him is so wonderful and makes me happy, and spending time with my family while they don't take up all of my time, and getting a chance to relax. but there's still that underlying nag. that underlying nag that says i'm not doing anything special with my life, or achieving my dreams, or even managing to stay at my goal weight, and time is passing by. and it's incredibly frustrating because all of this is not for lack of trying.

i send resumes out, get a couple of interviews, but still don't get an offer so i'm stuck at my job with my boss who i'm scared of and try to avoid at all costs. i try to act professional and cheery which takes a big toll on you day after day after day when you know that your job is not your dream and at this point (i'm almost 32) i really should be at the job that is my dream, or at least on my way there. i should have been there right after college honestly, because i'm a college graduate and had all the potential in the world to be something great but i'm slaving away for someone who goes from not giving me anything to do at all, to giving me way too difficult reports which change all the time and then calling me unprofessional and insubordinate when i can't complete this report to her liking. she hasn't done it in a while but it's only a matter of time. just have to catch her on an off day.

and then there's my diet. i was craving all kinds of bad food today but didn't give into temptation , except for dinner when i had a grilled cheese sandwich, even though it was wheat bread and vegan cheese. i'm finding that even if i eat healthy and deprive myself of delicious foods (which makes me really depressed because i love food) it doesn't help at all in making my figure back to the way it was. i guess this is the reality of being in my 30s now. now it takes sweaty, uncomfortable workouts that hurt in order to keep a lean body, or at least remain a size 6 and not creep up to an 8. it is really frustrating when you feel your body holding on to fat and pounds when you are watching what you eat. i had just cereal for breakfast, and then some tea at work, oatmeal for lunch and a banana. and that's all, besides the gallons of water that i drink every day.

i couldn't exercise today because i was sore from yesterday. i was at a fourth of july barbeque where there was nothing but fattening food and alcohol, and i had to eat so there was that. i guess i didn't have to drink as much as i did but i tried to offset all the calories by dancing. by the end of the day i still had consumed too much food and drinks and my head was pounding, so i had to eat again when dinner came around just to sober up, even though i wasn't hungry. family parties are the hardest. if i don't want to eat meat, there is literally nothing else to eat and then people will assume i'm anorexic.

i want to exercise but feeling heavier really makes it hard. it's hard to find motivation to bike ride or do any kind of cardio when i don't have any equipment at home and body weight exercise is too hard and i can't seem to wake up early to exercise in the mornings, and i can't go outside and walk when it gets dark because it's not safe and the weather may not be good. i'm going on vacation next week and i can't wait for that. i'm so sick of almost bumping into people who are staring into their i phones, but that's a whole other topic.

i'm looking forward to my vacation because it will be a break from all the screens i encounter daily. i go from my blackberry, to the computer screen at work, to the tv usually for an hour or two, and then back to the computer screen again at home. i'm so tired of it all but it's like an addiction and it's hard to break the pattern whe you do the same things day after day after day. i wish i could get over my embarrassment about working out in public so i could join a gym and at least use a treadmill. i think i could walk for an hour a day if i had one, i don't think that would be bad or hard because it wouldn't be strenuous. but i think my body needs strenuous exercise in order to lose any pounds at all. and that involves jumping and sweating and everything, so i have to find a way to get into that again. i have to try and just force myself so i can feel better about my body, and feel better IN my body.

i know that i'll never be as slim as someone like rumi neely or kate moss, but i can definitely be slimmer. it's just going to take a lot of hard work and deprivation of my favorite foods once again. :(

Saturday, June 25, 2011

handbag of my dreams

i finally bought the kate moss for longchamp handbag i've been dreaming about since i saw it in lucky magazine. luckily for me it was on sale! so i didn't have to pay $990 for it. with tax it came out to $754, which is still more than i've ever spent on a handbag. but it was worth it because i absolutely love it and will have it forever. here's a pic


the song used in this promotional video is so good. it's called 'sand' by nancy sinatra and lee hazlewood

'solitude is a victory'


just watched the documentary on karl lagerfeld called 'lagerfeld confidential' and it was actually pretty interesting. in his own guarded way, he answers the film maker's questions and gives a look into the fashion world, while somehow not keeping the focus on himself. his philosophies run deep, and you should really watch the film to catch them all as they are rather profound. i admire how detached he is. he doesn't dwell too much on life or on himself, possessions, or on relationships because he prefers to live a fantasy life that isn't mired in reality. it's almost like he thinks reality is overrated. and in a way, isn't it? aren't dreams better?

when asked how he feels about death, he says that maybe death is an awakening from the dream that is life. and why worry about the afterlife, when there are billions of people who have died before ever learning about religion. and how can they possibly be damned to hell if they have never even learned that word? yeah, pretty heavy for a film you think it going to be about fashion! but he is a deep man, and though intimidating, doesn't seem to believe in his own hype. he never studied and is humble enough to see how lucky he is to have built and organized a life that suits him without too much effort. stories about his parents and upbringing are very interesting as well though we don't get to learn how he got his start in fashion or how he became so successful and an icon in his industry.

he is very straightforward and honest and that is refreshing. maybe it comes from being 75 years old and having spent that life in a creative field. he talks about how he needs time to be alone sometimes, and how creative people cannot be around other people all day long and still be creative, and i really related to that thought because it's the absolute truth. he talks about reading books, and how that's an activity that you can't do while you have company. solitude is important for recharging one's batteries, as he states, and is healthy. 'solitude is a victory' is just about the best quote i've heard in a movie in a long while.

that'll be the last movie i rent for a few months, putting my netflix account on hold for the summer!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

garbage comeback

my prayers have been answered and Garbage really is in the studio recording new tracks for an upcoming album release! all is right in the world once again.

more info can be found here:
http://www.garbagediscobox.com/news/

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

the hunger of our hearts

there really aren't enough hours in the day. there is so much that i wanted to do the past few days, a lot of it got done (like more decluttering) yes! but some of it didn't. maybe i'm the only one but when there are things to do i feel like i need to do everything in one evening. which is why working 8 hours a day is so inconvenient. i really want to try to teach myself to make jewelry and i have a book but i just have to devote time to it already. i keep passing it by for other things.

a consignment store just opened down the block from my apartment so i'm excited to bring them some gently used clothes that i don't want anymore, and purses, and see if i can make any money from them. this will be my first time bringing clothes to a consignment store, so hopefully it's a good experience. i would love to own a consignment store or thrift shop one day, i think i would actually be really happy doing that. i have a weird obsession with second hand stuff.

i'm trying to mellow out at work and usually i can for a couple of weeks, until my boss takes a particular tone with me, but since that hasn't happened yet, i'm trying not to dwell on the inevitable. just going to count my blessings and live in the moment in the meantime.

this past sunday was father's day and i always feel bad getting my dad and uncles just cards and money but i really don't know their tastes and don't want to get them something they already have or will not find a use for. they seem happy just to get together with the family and play some dominoes and eat some bbq and have some beers so it all ends up working out in the end. a big topic of conversation was my cousin's upcoming wedding. both he and his bride will be 29 when they marry on july 29, and they were both born on the 29th day of the month. he was born april 29th and she was born august 29th. so i'm assuming the pattern will continue and their first born child will also be born on a 29th day. those coincidences are so crazy!

another thing i wanted to do but didn't get around to was post a photo entry on this blog, just go out for a walk and take random photos of things in my neighborhood. but i chose bike riding this weekend instead. it was fun and a good workout, as i rode for an hour. the superintendent of my building saw my struggling to bring my heavy bike up the apartment building steps and showed me a very helpful door on one side of the basement that i can use to get my bike in and out, so no more excuses now that i can take the bike out and put it back with a lot more ease.