yes!

so i finally lost another pound when i weighed myself this morning!! so happy to be seeing progress! i guess all the sacrifice and eating right did pay off, and i feel better too. eating the right foods is so important. i'm down to 123 lbs now, so if i can get down to 120, it'll be perfect. i know i can get there!

they moved me a new, more spacious cube at work, so that made me happy this week, and will probably make it a little easier to go into work tomorrow, knowing that my scenery will be a little different. also, it's in a corner so it's more private, which is nice, and closer to the windows. i told my mother and she said it was good that they moved me because it's beneficial to shift stale energy around sometimes. she is so right. that's why she's my mom, we think so alike when it comes to things like that.

my weekend plans fell through, but i was kind of glad about that because it's still bitterly cold outside. i'm proud of myself for being able to get my body in shape in the dead of winter, without the benefit of working out outside, and the temptation to overindulge in food. now i just need to keep it up!

boss from hell

it's so hard to work at the pace i have been working. bosses, i truly believe, can easily forget that the person working for them is a human being. at least the bosses i've had in my life. i've had bosses talk down to me, ask the impossible of me, and its all i can do to keep it together and not blow up. i try so hard to be pleasant, professional and enthusiastic, but when it comes down to it, we are all there for the paycheck. and i personally, don't really give a shit about the work i'm doing. sure, i do it well and take pride in a job well done, but it's not going to dictate my life or make me work more than 40 hours a week if i absolutely don't have to.

there are currently two VPs in my department. the one who is not my boss is kind, sweet, very independent, hardly asks anything of his assistant, who just started by the way a few months ago, is only 21 years old and has had basically no time with the company. she gets to leave at 3pm on fridays as long as she makes up her 40 hours a week. the other VP is my boss, the tyrant. she has her days when she's ok, nice. but i honestly dread when she's in the office. even if she's not there, she'll repeatedly call me, like she did today. i try to see her as a human being, a mom, a regular person. but when she comes at me with this attitude like i'm simple minded or dumb or should be able to read her mind, that's when i get angry. i'm not a miracle worker. i'm a human being. yes i work fast, but i have limits, and right now my workload is becoming way too much to bare.

she actually called me today to have me check her office to see if she had left her cosmetics case in there. i searched all around and found nothing, i couldn't miss it, it's a huge case, and when i let her know. she said 'oh i was sure it was in there,' and i said i looked all around and it wasn't. and we actually had to talk about this insignificant thing. was that really necessary? she has me there on the phone in silence, i have no idea what she expected me to say. i wasn't lying to her. then she called me back to have the delivery guys send her laptop to the office where she was working, so i had to remove it from the dock, and let the guys know to come get it. then she calls me back a third time and asks me to look up some numbers on a spreadsheet that i sent out to her which she could have easily checked, and tell them to her over the phone. then she called back and asked me to do the same thing from another spreadsheet.

then she called back to say that the updates she needed for a meeting were not the latest updates, when all i did was copy and paste what her managers had sent me last week as their latest update. we kept going back and forth, 'but what are all these dates' and so on. and i said 'that's what they sent, that's the latest update, that's what i sent to you. and she says 'you need to coordinate this with them' and that's not what i was told, i was told to copy and paste the new information they send me into the spreadsheet, so i DID. i was like, what the hell do you want??? and finally she tells me to put the date of the next meeting, after arguing with me about when the last meeting was and the dates should follow it, like i would check, i'm just going by the data i was SENT. UGH!! then she says she doesn't know who submitted which update, so it follows that she should ask me to separate them by name which she eventually does, but i had no way of knowing that this is what she wanted. she could have easily taken my update, communicated with her OWN team to find out who submitted what, and that would be that. but no, i have to do each and every little step.

and the workload just keeps piling on, there are so many things that she asks me to keep track of that i feel like i'm losing my mind. it's hard to keep it all straight. not to mention that i also have requests coming in from her team all the time for things they need. i feel like i'm directly assisting about 5 people. not an easy task for one person. i feel like i want to quit. its all just becoming too much and i don't know why i'm putting up with it and keeping up some fucking happy face. there are other more important things in life, like living and being healthy, than dealing with 5 emails from one person (either my actual boss or her director, or one of her 4 managers) sent from 6-9pm each night asking me for all different things, so the stress begins before i even get to work. i don't know why i always end up with these bosses from hell. but i decided to actually pray tonight for some sort of solution to this, because i don't know what else to do. a good friend once gave me a small card that says 'cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee.' so i'm going to try that, just writing out my prayers and pleading to him. i don't care about how much i earn anymore. my salary is higher than what my needs are. most of it is just sitting in the bank. there's no reason for me to have to deal with this much stress. it's not worth it at all.

i've been at my company since 2003. don't i deserve to leave early on fridays sometimes???
too bad i called in sick last tuesday, or i'd totally be staying home tomorrow and calling in sick. i'm exhausted.

fitness progress report

well i didn't give up, kept up the weight loss/fitness plan and i think it's finally starting to pay off. i was just getting a bit impatient. it's not easy giving up your favorite things, like chocolate! and having smaller portions of things like rice, and exercising like a crazy person and have the results be slow in coming. but finally i'm down to about 3-4 pounds from my goal weight. so i'm so relieved!

for some reason, when i go for walks, the weight comes off faster. i went for a long one hour walk this past saturday and ended up discovering a very big park near my apartment. i passed by it a few times when i've been driven somewhere and always forgot exactly where it was located, but i found it on my walk and i was happy i did. it has a really huge race track and people were running/jogging/power walking on there, which was inspiring, also there were lots of hilly paths with inclines which are good for walking quickly on and burning more calories.

there are basketball courts there too and a small boardwalk overlooking the water where lots of people were wandering around, walking their dogs, or taking pictures. there was even a small wedding party there taking pictures. now that i know this park is so close, i have somewhere nice to walk to when i feel like going for a walk, instead of just the boring streets or the main street with all the heavy foot traffic and shops and restaurants (and the temptations to window shop which usually leads to actual shopping). also, now i have more of an incentive to finally buy a bike and go bike riding again when the weather gets warm. i used to bike ride all the time.

with my music on during the walk, the time flew by, and it was a hell of a lot easier and more fun than the 1 hour cardio DVD i've been suffering through the past few weeks. so i'm going to continue eating right and exercising, and sacrificing my favorite foods a while longer to see if i can get in bikini-ready shape for my upcoming family cruise this summer!

discouraged

i've been getting discouraged lately. no weight lost and i've been doing my exercise plan and eating right since 1/4/2010. shouldn't i be seeing some weight loss by now? it's upsetting me and making me feel like there's no point to wearing makeup and dressing well, because what's the point if i work so hard and can't be thin and can't change my body? i don't know what else to do.
:(

should i cut my calorie intake even more? exercise more often and do different kinds of exercise? i don't want to get into the dangerous territory, but i'm getting desperate because i don't feel like myself and this is taking too long. i keep going up and down two pounds and not losing any more than that. i am not eating any chocolate or pasta, only salads when i eat out and fruits, vegetables and yogurt if i get hungry at night. i was looking at some weight loss pills today but most of them contain a lot of caffeine which i don't want to do to my body because it could have a negative effect on my anxiety. i feel stuck :(

new year so far

ok, so i've been sticking to my excercise and diet plan pretty well. i'm pleasantly surprised with myself and proud of myself. i don't have to feel like a lazy, hopeless slob anymore. i tried the tracy anderson dance cardio workout, but that turned out to be difficult because it takes time to learn the choreagraphed dance routines she teaces on the dvd. i wanted to put in a cardio workout DVD and get straight to sweating and burning calories, so i bought Jillian Michaels: Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism (2008) DVD and it's great! jillian says very motivating things during the workout that encourage you to keep going and that's what i like most.

it's pretty difficult and there are a few moves i still can't do, but even skipping or modifying those moves and pushing through the rest of the DVD makes me sweat a lot and feel majorly sore. i could barely move the day after i did it the first time, but that's a good feeling, because it means my muscles are toning up, and feeling sore reminds me that i need to eat well because i am working so hard on improving how my body looks. i was really craving chocolate tonight after dinner, but i drank water and resisted the craving, and it worked. i did the workout DVD and had some apple slices with peanut butter as a snack later on.

its nice to workout and feel that i'm doing something that can result in my feeling better about myself again, and more confident. it makes me realize i'm in control, of how my body looks, how i feel, my energy level, and the food i choose to eat. i try to consciously make healthier choices no matter where i am. it's not always an easy thing, especially when i'm faced with visiting my parents and having my mother's cooking. but i persevere. i ask her to make me vegetables with chicken instead of rice. and i skip dessert, and drink only water with dinner. sometimes i slip up and have a (rare) soda or an iced tea, but i make sure to always have water with dinnner even if i end up drinking something else too. water before meals also helps me feel fuller.

for the first time in a while this weekend, i finally got the urge to write again. and i can only write when i feel good about myself and who i am, so that's a good sign. if i feel like writing again then that means that i feel like myself again.

favorite song of the moment

my fitness goals

i'm so glad that tonight i finally got the motivation to exercise. i'm such a no exercise person, that this was truly difficult. but i'm in the struggle to lose about 5-7 pounds right now, and just eating less doesn't seem to be working like it used to. i have to be more active and burn more calories than i'm taking in, so those last stubborn pounds will go away. so i worked out for about 50 minutes tonight. tomorrow i will make it an hour. i decided that my workout time will be from 8-9pm every night, after i eat a light dinner at around 7pm.

i did hundreds of crunches-both standing and sitting, some squats, jumping jacks, and leg lifts while lying down. i hate the feeling of my thighs rubbing together, and there's nothing that makes a girl want to eat dinner less than coming home from work, undressing, and seeing a protruding stomach. and it sucks to know that this is my body, regardless of how little i seem to eat. i don't quite get it. so i did a few things, i looked up some jillian michaels exercise mini videos online and learned how to do stand up crunches for the abs from those, and i ordered a cardio dance workout DVD from trancy anderson, who claims to be able to make any woman 'smaller.' and god, how i want to be smaller. not super thin, just thin enough to fit back into my pants again.

i found myself wearing the same two pairs of pants for work over and over, and other days just skirts and tights, because i no longer fit into anything else. and that's when the frustration comes in. but now i'm really serious and won't let anything deter me from getting my nice body back. i also rented a video about the vegan lifestyle from netflix, which i should be getting tomorrow. it shows you how to shop for healthy foods and what foods to avoid to improve health. people who have given up meat say that weight loss is one result, also having a lighter feeling and more energy. so it seems worth considering.

and the first thing that happens when i decide this is that my mom invites me to a colombian restaurant for my aunt's birthday this weekend. i had to make up an excuse and turn her down. i'm not 21 anymore, simply eating in moderation the day after a big meal won't work anymore. and colombian restaurants have no salads or anything light on their menus, and their portions are huuuuuge!!!! they are seriously huge, like a 2 person dinner is usually served for each person. no thanks, don't want to derail myself now when i actually feel motivated.

i was looking up online to see if i could find those sketchers shape up sneakers that help you tone up while you walk, they are really expensive, i had no idea. i don't really want to wait for them to come in the mail, so i'll probably go to dsw tomorrow or friday to buy them. i wonder why it is that anti anxiety medication puts a stop to your metabolism so you balloon up. maybe they work by getting you focused on losing weight instead of obsessing over how anxious you feel? and why is it that birth control makes you steadily gain weight the longer you take it? and why does aging make your metabolism slow down? and why does everything seem to cause weight gain???

jennifer's body

tonight i watched jennifer's body. a movie i rented just out of curiosity. i wondered what it was about megan fox that people find so irresistible and amazing. and i still don't really know. she's conventionally pretty i guess. but also a bit hard to watch. maybe because she doesn't seem to be quite human. so i guess the role in this movie was a good choice for her. she was strangely convincing. i was expecting a lot more gore considering the movie's premise- a demonic cheerleader who likes to eat boys. but there actually wasn't that much. the writer of this movie, diablo cody, also wrote 'juno' which i haven't seen but had such a buzz around it that i assumed she was a good writer, like tina fey, or someone like that who knows how to be clever with humor. but the dialogue and snappy comments in this movie, jennifer's body, just fall flat and seem to be there just for shock value or to offer quotables like movies that are cult classics. 'heathers' comes to mind, no one can beat that film's one liners like:

veronica:
'Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful. '

jason dean:
'Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.'

heather:
'Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerberg is going to let you play their reindeer games. '

heather:
'did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?'

jason dean:
'everyone's life has got static. is your life perfect?'

jennifer's body is not really a cult classic. it was a bit disturbing, but not really that scary, and not really that funny either. i don't think the writer knew what tone to go for with it because it seemed all over the place. it seems like it was made just as a vehicle to make money, to profit on the name of megan fox and her looks, and the fame of diablo cody. it could've been a lot better, and was pretty disappointing. the netflix rental didn't have any featurettes on it either (which i really hate), only previews . i read that the official dvd of jennifer's body contains deleted scenes and a featurette, i'm a bit curious to watch those if only to see megan fox's real personality. if she has one, that is.

pic

here's a pic of me and a friend from work at our company christmas party. many drinks were had by all..

the world needs more Shirley Manson

this clip is hilarious, thank God for the internet or i would've missed it.

i was quoted in another blog :)

it's kind of a nice feeling

i provided the last quote featured in this blog post by the author of a favorite book of mine-
and he used a sentence from my comment as the title of his post.

http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/2009/12/no-shame-in-taking-nap_17.html


Clutter Busting Blog
Visit www.clutterbusting.com!

a great book

just got through reading this book, requiem for a paper bag, edited by Davy Rothbart, creator of Found Magazine and the Found books. Its a must-read!! my favorite story in this book is called 'the old clerk's diary' by katherine dunn

one of my favorite videos

i love watching the dance that starts at 2:15 in-

smell some flowers

12. smell some flowers

i think i've only bought myself flowers once or twice in my entire life. having plants around is supposed to make you more efficient at work and less stressed/anxious at home. yet somehow i always forget to buy them. i even live really close to a huge flower shop, but have never stepped foot inside. i really love yellow flowers of all kinds, and confetti roses, and of course the classic red roses. i also like tulips. the last bouquet i bought myself was a dozen purple tulips at the supermarket. they lasted a pretty long time and looked so pretty on my windowsill in my living room.

lately i've been considering buying fake plastic flowers, just so i can have something to put in the vases i have at work that's pretty to look at and has some color. i think smelling flowers can have a calming effect, and it's not the same if you just have some rose scented candle or body wash or whatever, its just not as pure a fragrance. i've read that plants help to purify the air of toxins and just make you feel better when you are around them, so i think that makes them worth the money to purchase.

here's a pic of a pretty bouquet my boyfriend gave me once

share your feelings

11. share your feelings

sharing feelings can be hard to do. i tend to share mine here on this blog, or in my personal paper journals. not having many close friends i can confide in, and lots of people in my life who would rather talk about themselves and cut me off, i often end up sharing my feelings with my boyfriend, which makes me wonder sometimes how he can still stand to be with me! I generally have trouble opening up to other people though, and deepening friendships that are basically co-workers and acquaintances.

it's important to share feelings though because they can take you over if you don't. holding feelings inside is dangerous and unhealthy for your mind and body and spirit. the last thing you want to have happen is for stress to take over. my mom always told me that when i find myself in a situation where i feeling like crying, then i should cry, and if i find myself in a situation where i feel like screaming, i should scream. it's natural, human and healthy. it's not something of course that comes up often, but when it does, i don't see anything wrong with expressing your emotions, and unburdening yourself.

everyone needs some sort of outlet. feelings of stress or pressure can be alleviated by exercise for some, or calling a friend or a parent, or doing some art work, writing, playing music, scrap booking or other creative task. people write comments here saying that they relate to what i say which is so great, it that makes me think that my feelings are justified and there's nothing wrong with them. we all experience life our own way, and what we feel as we live is telling of who we are and what our story is. it's much better to share your feelings, rather than pretend they don't exist and live in denial. being truthful with yourself and other people is a great relief when you remember to do it. i often ask myself how do i really feel? instead of wondering how things should make me feel. If you open up and share your feelings, you might find that you are not alone in the way that you feel. And that can be amazing.

10. organize your space

10. organize your space

this is easier said then done sometimes, especially when you're tired. but for me personally, it lowers my energy every time i encounter a mess, and sometimes its worth it to spend that extra time washing dishes and picking up, because things tend to accumulate if you don't do that. i hate looking at a pile of junk mail, or not knowing where a particular item of clothing is in my closet. i like organization. at home and at work, though at work it can be a little more difficult to keep track of all the files that need saving and reference.

seeing an organized space contributes to your peace of mind. i remember when i went to see the apartment that i eventually moved into and none of my things were in there yet, and i was just looking at an empty fresh space. what a nice calming thing that was to see. no clutter, no mess, no papers, no junk, no dust, nothing. i often think back to that feeling when i try to convince myself to clear out some clutter. it drives me a little crazy when things are out of place.

this reminds me of that show on A&E called ‘hoarders,’ talk about scary! those people deal with a mental illness and a compulsive need to keep things and it gets really out of control. i can't understand how people can live that way without losing their minds. sometimes it takes the cleaning crews days to clear out one of their houses and they need to use shovels and face masks. it's fascinating in a way, to see what people decide to keep, what they see as having value and are unwilling to part with.

i've always wanted my life and my space to be as simple as possible, and i keep trying for that all the time. i know i probably have too much stuff, and too many clothes i don't really use much, but it's really hard to let go of things that you have paid for. on the other hand, i do get the most use out of the things i love, and some of my clothing and purses and shoes i've had for several years. i'd rather hold on to something i really like then to go out shopping a lot for clothes. it's hard because it's affordable, and attractive, and fun to shop for, but then i find myself running out of hangers to hang my clothes and realize that i need to clear some of it out.

use affirmations

9. use affirmations

affirmations are something that i could never really get into, but i suppose they do work for some people. you have to have discipline to remember to tell them to yourself. i saw a show last night on TV about people who have won lotteries and how it changed their lives. there was one guy who was reading a book about positive thinking, when he noticed an ad in the paper for a raffle. the raffle was $150 to enter to win a choice of one of two houses, or $1 million in cash. and he ended up winning and choosing the money.

there was another man on the same show who had an affirmation written on his bathroom mirrors. it said something to the effect of 'you are looking at the source of all your happiness.' i found that to be really interesting and really profound. i think affirmations work a lot like gratitude, in that you choose to focus on the positive, instead of lamenting over the negative state of things in your life. you change your focus and expect the good things. and being thankful for the good things is always attracting more of those good things into your life.

when i say my prayers, i usually thank God for all of my blessings, because i know i am fortunate and i don't take things for granted. it's not good to pray just to ask god for help, you need to thank him as well for all he has done for you. i am healthy and have a good job, a wonderful family, a lovely and loving boyfriend, i'm making more friends every day and getting more confident, i know where my next meal is coming from, i have a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep, i am able to support myself, all these things are blessings and there are so many more. i expect to always be taken care of by God, i expect good things and happy experiences and positive people, so that has to be my experience. i will not settle for less.

celebrating my sweetie's birthday

here are some pics of our celebration last night with him, me and my parents,

(i'm wearing my new fireball necklace from molly sims for HSN. god i love that thing!! and my bf too of course ;)

let go and let God

8. let go and let God

this advice is very sound and can be very comforting. especially for people like me who always want control over every situation, and who get disappointed when things don't turn out the way they were expecting. not everything can go as planned all the time, and we only stress ourselves out by trying to fight against the flow of life. sometimes, there's just nothing else you can do, but wait something out and leave the outcome in God's hands. let go of control and just surrender.

there are times when letting go and letting God seem impossible, but we need to have trust and faith that things are for the best, and the lessons we learn as humans will only make us better in the end. i used to think things like: when will i find love? when will i be happy? when will i know my purpose? When will I feel like part of a group of friends? but it's pointless to try to predict the future. we can only live now and what's important is accepting who we are and how life is. this leads to peace of mind, it ends fruitless resistance. it's ok to be gentle with ourselves, admit we have faults and have made mistakes, and simply try to improve.

nothing can ever be perfect, or exactly as we want it, because we are human, not angels. and this is earth, not heaven. there will be struggles and hardships but there will also be blessings and happiness too. and little things to take pleasure in. and little moments that remind you of why you are alive, and those are the ones that matter most.

7. see a comedy

7. see a comedy

as far as a stress relief, laughter really helps. this reminds me of a father's day barbecue i went to once at my aunt's house a few summers ago. we didn't watch a comedy together, but for some reason all my cousins were in a silly mood and we spent the whole afternoon laughing and joking together about everything. it was nonstop. and at the end of the day, i literally felt like a great weight had been lifted off of me, and i remember saying, wow, i needed that! i had absolutely no tension left in my body whatsoever.

seeing a comedy, if its a good one, can probably have the same effect. you let go of worries, stop taking things so seriously, and revel in the silly side of life. my favorite comedies are the ones with jim carrey (ace ventura). the hot shots spoof movies were funny too. chris rock's HBO special show called 'bigger and blacker' was hilarious. there are not too many funny comics out there, but maybe i'm just not in the habit of watching much comedy. i was told that i had to see 'the hangover' and some other movies like napoleon dynamite that i just never got around to seeing.

of course nothing beats the 'don't fear the reaper' sketch with will farrell, the belly shirt, the cowbell, and christopher walkin on SNL.