making sense is no fun

the title of this blog quote is a quote from rumi neely's blog, fashiontoast. i don't know really know why this is but i've always been too shy to approach new people. which is weird because when i have met new people (usually through others), i find that it is a fascinating thing to meet a new person and get their take on the world, and meet a personality like no one else's on earth. it can be a lot of fun. i have lost a lot of my shyness in the past few years, but not when it comes to initiating friendships with complete strangers.

i have always envied those people who are able to start up conversations with just about anyone, without seeming intrusive or weird. sometimes you just want new people to hang out with. i like my own company, but that need to connect to other human beings is still, of course, there nonetheless. i need to get better at that, so when i feel like going out and hanging out with someone, somewhere new that i have never been before, i won't just be stuck at home fantasizing about it. my demeanor is not very 'open' i would say, but that hasn't stopped some people from starting up conversations with me randomly. i always appreciate that.

below is a list of what rumi neely likes about her friends from one of her older blog posts which really made me realize how much i want my own group of like-minded people to hang out with. maybe then i can give my boyfriend a break from having to take me everywhere and anywhere i have the urge to go to. love him for that though.

Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends

-the ability to let the day happen to you as it will
-triple piggyback rides
-knowing how to make me laugh when I'm crying
-wearing a fuzzy tiara in public and when someone asks you why, responding with "What tiara?"
-noticing things..as Holden Caulfield said "no one ever notices anything"
-an appreciation of Michael Showalter's existence
-blasting System of Down while driving through one of SoCal's poshest neighborhoods, accurately singing every last word ()..though this is kind of the same as the tiara thing
-knowing how to do stuff I can't
-loving fashion more than shopping

do you believe in destiny?

i watched 'letters to juliet' last night, and it wasn't much to write home about. amanda seyfried is all kinds of gorgeous (how do people that beautiful even exist?) but that doesn't make up for what was ultimately a flimsy story. this movie had the scenic vistas and rolling hills of tuscany going for it and really makes you want to go to italy. amanda and the man she is supposed to fall for had no chemistry whatsoever and their hating each other when first meeting seemed so cliché to me. i guess that's why i'm not in the habit of watching too many romantic comedies. The best and most tender scene had to be when Vanessa Redgrave’s character, Claire, was brushing Sophie’s (Amanda’s ) hair. It was a loving moment and one that was emotional because of the audience learning about Sophie having been abandoned by her mother when she was nine years old.

The movie made me realize how much I miss writing too. Sophie is a fact checker for a New York magazine in the movie but she really is a writer trying to get her start in publishing. Seeing scenes of her writing in a journal in a beautiful outdoor backdrop of Italy filled me with deep envy, and longing for the way I used to be. I thought about how much pleasure I used to take in writing all the time and in thinking of myself as a writer. I wondered why I always let things get in the way of that simple act, even though I know that writing is what I most love to do, and what I would still do (even more so) if I didn’t have to work for a living. For someone to actually pay me for my writing would be like a dream come true, and wouldn’t seem like a job at all.

At the end of ‘letters to Juliet,’ Sophie takes a story she wrote about the adventure of helping Claire find her long lost love in Italy to her editor/boss in New York, and it gets published by the magazine. What an amazing feeling that must be, having something published that you’ve written. I may have to watch this movie again simply for the inspiration it gave me to keep writing, or I should say, go back to writing on a more regular basis. I think tonight I’ll listen to the director’s and amanda’s audio commentary track to see if they have any writing tidbits in there, or more information about the lovely locations where shooting took place. It must be amazing to be a young actress and get to travel to these exotic locations to shoot movies with beautiful people and spend entire days outdoors in a lush countryside. Too bad the script wasn’t as poetic as the locale.

there's a scene towards the beginning of the movie where Sophie's fiance tells her that she must write because that is her passion. i thought, yeah, it's mine too, so why am i living my life being someone that i'm not?

on a random note:

here's a link to an intriguing photo blog i found today-

http://bferry.wordpress.com/

why do you write your blog?

I found this prompt (title of post) on this website- http://mindbump.com/ and i think this is a very interesting question. my motivation in writing my blog would be to connect with others. to feel on some level that maybe someone out there can relate to what i'm feeling. sometimes it fills the void of not having many friends i can speak to regularly, which is really my own fault. it's a lot easier to sit at a keyboard and ramble on to a bunch of strangers about this and that. and it also serves as a nice forum for writing, which is something i love to do and hardly ever do enough of. mostly because i just don't make the time. i suffer as a result of that.

i let other things get in the way and then by the time i'm free i have no energy to write something, even though i know that writing anything down is an almost-instant mood shifter. suddenly it reminds me that i'm a unique human being having a unique experience of living, and my thoughts are important, and that processing those thoughts through writing can only be beneficial. Writing pulls you directly into the present moment, much like meditation does. expressing your own unique point of view is often not encouraged in this society. and that's why artistic expression in all its forms is so important.

through music, you can express yourself and create your own little world which is filtered and makes complete sense to you. the same can be done with painting, or sculpting, or altering books, or making movies, or writing. i think most people have this need, especially if they haven't been immersed in any sort of creative process since grade school. producing something creative is rewarding. much more rewarding than spending a whole evening on television. the older i get, the less i can tolerate television.

i want to be someone more important than just an everyday passive spectator/consumer. so i guess that's why i write my blog, in part to keep my creative juices flowing, in part to have a record of my thoughts and life experiences, and in part to form connections with people, even though i may never meet them. it's entertaining to pay closer attention to everyday life, and see what i can glean from it to write about here. it's inspiring to go through life looking for interesting occurrences and insights, and expecting them.

all we have is this moment

i took this picture on the beach in cabo san lucas, i can't remember ever feeling more relaxed on vacation before.

yesterday i had another falling out with my boss. i have tried just about all i can think of to tolerate her, thinking of her as a human being first, as a mother, but then she will do something to piss me off and make me hate my job again and it takes me a long long time to just let it go. and then i start dreading going to work, and that is the worst thing of all. so instead of giving into my creeping sense of doom and gloom, i'm going to try one last ditch effort to get through to my boss and therefore get through my work days with less stress. let's just say it involves writing and prayer, and leave it at that. i hope it works because i like the company i work for and i feel comfortable there and would try to avoid having to start over in a whole new place.

i will not let myself get bogged down in negativity, because i have too many good things in my life to be happy about and grateful for, and those are the things that really matter at the end of the day. i'm grateful for my loving family, the freedom to listen to uplifting music, the ability to read a good book, and my boyfriend who makes me smile and laugh, and who takes me out and allows me to have a great time and be myself. that's an amazing blessing seeing as i never thought i would ever find love or anyone who would possibly understand me.

here's a good quote from the book i'm currently reading, which i picked up for free at a free market that took place a few months ago in the city. it's called "Messengers of Light. The Angel's Guide to Spiritual Growth." this quote really resonated with my idea of what happiness is.

"To be happy means being in a state of fascination with life, where situations are simply interesting, not necessarily good or bad"

a last splurge

love my new eggplant colored satchel bag by steve madden that i bought last week at macys herald square. they had it in a cream color and in black, and i had to hold myself back from buying it in all 3 colors. it was on sale too!


this is a lovely wine/fuscia colored vintage dress i bought in a store called 'another man's treasure' in jersey city. the ruffle details on the sleeves and collar are so sweet and pretty, and the price was suprisingly reasonable,


i say these are a last splurge because i need to save up my money from now on to get some dental work done. so i guess i'll be down to buying one or two things each payday to fill in my wardrobe gaps. but i won't just be spending on anything which is good. i'll put more thought into the quality of the things i buy, and whether or not i will truly love them and wear them a lot.

sunday in central park

if i could be anywhere, i'd be in her closet

i spent most of the work day drinking dr. pepper and reading the fashion blog of my girl style crush, rumi neely of fashiontoast. don't know why i can't look like her in my clothes, though it may have to do with the fact that she's a size 0 (it appears) and is the perfect hanger for clothing. thngs get a little trickier when you have lots of curves like i do. reading her blog has made me lust after the large, black givenchy nightingale purse which is extremely out of my price range. according to barneys.com, it's upwards of $2,000 so for now it's really just a dream.

i find myself needing to buy short floral dresses that can be worn now and transitioned into fall with some opaque tights. going over my wardrobe i realize that short floral dresses of all types are what i'm missing. they are so versatile, and can be worn alone, or with short jackets or blazers, and accesorized with scarves. the possibilities are endless. i filled a bag with clothes that do not suit me anymore that i want to donate, hopefully that bag leaves my closet soon and doesn't just sit there for 6 months.

some great quotes from fashiontoast's archives entries:

'The beach on a cold cloudy day is one of my favorite things in the world'

'And thank you to a number of sweet readers that emailed me about the Bakers boots - finally, a knockoff with a decent heel! They're on their way to me now..and the Topshop leather skinnies I ordered are going to be on their way back to London cause they're too @#)$(*& big. That they're so perfectly soft and comfortable only makes the pain worse. Oh well..time to go drink sangria in my leopard print shorts.'

'I love hotels. Things like unlimited quantities of ice, shiny revolving doors, card keys, and $10 trail mix make me happy. So when my beloved Caldwell booked a room for the weekend I was ecstatic and excitedly packed way more annoying accessories than I could ever manage to wear in such a short time. But man did I try. After a mimosa toast, we frolicked irresponsibly, indulged in bacon wrapped scallops (my newest ridiculous addiction), took millions of photos for no reason, and ended up at the drugstore buying more junk food than we could ever explain purchasing. Best weekend in recent history.'
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pics of my newest acquisitions, which i love! my huge yellow scarf/shawl from the rachel zoe line on qvc and my new tannish brown booties from century21. can't wait for the weather to cool down so i can actually wear them.

currently obsessed with this song, an oldie but a goodie, a colombian cumbia from my parent's music collection:

nostalgia show

a pic of me and my bf at his last art show

today i am grateful for...

1. being in a strangely energetic, optimistic, good mood all day. i was overdue!
2. catching up on sleep and rest this weekend
3. the music on my ipod
4. having a job and living on my own
5. the fact that i will once again be an aunt, my sister is pregnant :)
6. being able to wear a dress to work today since it was warm out
7. that school isn't in session yet so the trains are not crowded
8. my boss's upcoming vacation on the week of sept. 20th
9. the black handbag that was in my drawer at work that i just rediscovered
10. fashion blogs that i can read at work (where the websites are not blocked)
11. my sony e-reader
12. the leather jacket i bought last month, probably the best thing i ever bought to wear
13. my choice to turn the TV off at 7:30pm today and download the book, "If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You by Kelly Cutrone and Meredith Bryan."

this book so far is really excellent. it's hard to stop reading it. kelly cutrone owns her own PR company called people's revolution, and she's had her own reality show (which i've never seen) and has appeared on shows like the hills (which i haven't seen either), but i really like her story. she came to NYC fresh out of college and with barely any know how and no contacts or connections, she founded her own company and followed her intuition to make her dreams a reality. kind of reminds me of madonna's story, except that kelly came to NYC with something like $2,484 and madonna only had i think $37.

kelly's writing style is very persuasive and entertaining and she asks the tough questions, like how have you been able to hear your own inner voice over that of the media, your family, society, etc.? and are those things you've been told to want, really what your soul is telling you that you want? her story about having it all and then breaking down just to rebuild herself is so inspiring. right now i'm at the chapter titled 'it's not a breakdown, it's a breakthrough' and i can't wait to read the rest and see how she prospers when everything falls apart for her.

i hope this good mood i'm in lasts the rest of the week!

inspiring quote of the day from this site-http://www.deeshan.com/ (the Meditation Tip of the Day)

You are really rich when you accept yourself as you are, when you are contented with what you have

a free evening, plus more cruise pics

its' so funny how walking back to my apartment from the train at night is so peaceful and relaxing and happy because i know the whole evening is ahead and i won't have to deal with taking orders from my boss for a couple of hours. i can just be home and have a quiet, relaxing meal and read whatever i want online and watch any show that i'm interested in, like tonight i am looking forward to the new episode of the rachel zoe project. but i'm practicing turning the tv off when whatever show i'm watching is over, otherwise it just is too easy to get sucked in. i didn't watch any tv last night after i saw my netflix rental (igby goes down), and therefore had the time for a meditation. it was much more peaceful than watching nothing in particular on tv. i decided not to watch the new seasons of project runway or america's next top model, because watching those shows adds nothing to my life or my personal development.

when i'm walking home to my apartment the world seems lovely, everyone seems to be friendlier and smiling and anything in the world is possible. i get a glimpse of another life i could have if work was not a necessity. if i could figure out how to do the one thing i'm meant to be doing, things would be a lot easier. i will keep on meditating on that question, and see what comes up in my subconscious.

couple more pics from the cruise-

life is not a race

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/business/22stream.html?_r=2&ref=health

this link was on the main intranet page of my company and i read it today at work.

very interesting what they say about stress in the American workplace leading to obesity and the end part about Britain making cooking classes mandatory for young teens (to discourage eating
pre-packaged /unhealthy/fast foods). Finally it seems that some people are waking up to these facts! America is the worst for overworking people out of most other countries it seems (especially Europe). And all this stress also leads to prescription medication over use, which also leads to weight gain.. it’s a vicious cycle. and it's pretty sad.

i can't believe how fast fall is coming on, i guess there's no hope for an indian summer.
it was hard to get up and go to work today, but i'm grateful that i have a job.

thanks go to my bf for introducing me to this band. music is the cure all.

go everywhere you've never been

your mind's landscape

some weird wave of manic energy took over me during lunch today while i was out browsing at a jewelry store. i chatted up the sales guy when he commented about my work picture ID that i had hooked onto my shirt. then i realized i didn't have enough cash for my items, so i asked the salesgirl to hold them for me while i ran to the bank for cash, and ran back to the jewelry store for my items. i bought this pretty orange and yellow round pendant (i love it because you can adjust the necklace length by clasping it in different places). click on the pic to see better detail.

and a pair of rose goldish hoop earrings. they are obviously fake costume jewels, but still pretty, and only $2.99 each. the other side of the pendant is an angel carving which i don't have the patience to photograph right now. so it can be worn both ways.

the hoops are that in between size so they are not too big or small. i love them! next friday night my sister is hosting a party for liasophia jewelry which i cannot wait for. they have a website which has really fueled my anticipation for that party- liasophia.com. too bad all the cocktail rings are probably too big to fit me, I’ll probably end up getting a necklace or earrings.

i think i got that surge of manic energy because i spent so much time this week either at home or waiting at a doctor's office. i was so tired and weak on tuesday that I slept all day, I thought i had the flu. but all i had was a regular cold and slight fever. i also had an ear irrigation done which was strange because i was having strong pains by my left ear and jaw so that seems to have taken care of that. all this caused me to miss 3 days of work. so i only worked monday and friday of this week. i felt totally useless and lazy, though in a way i got the vacation from my cruise vacation that i was hoping for. it's a good thing i still had plenty of paid time off accrued to cover all those days. I was still angry though because I like to save my days off for the winter time when the weather sucks and staying in bed is way more appealing than going to work.

It’s so weird that when i actually have spending money, i get more picky about the stuff i buy and am more reluctant to shop. my first instinct is always to hold on to extra money in case i need it later, but i'm trying to get better about giving myself the things that i want. who's to say i will need my savings in case i lose my job, or get a lower paying job? i am careful not to go overboard though and always save more than i spend. but buying one or two nice things for myself every now and then isn't a crime or anything. with every potential purchase i start thinking, is it frivolous? do i already have this type of thing or article of clothing? do i need to add to my clutter? what will i get rid of or donate in order to make room for this thing? yesterday i bought a pair of really cheap blue flats and immediately got rid of 3 articles of clothing (that I never wear) from my closet. have to try to keep a balance..

song of the day. it sounds almost cheerful on a lovely sunny day:

on the deck

this pic was taken shortly after we all arrived onboard the cruise. thought i'd post it since it's rare that i like how i look in pictures. love my white dress with studs, even though it set off all the metal detectors in the airport. that's my sis on the left

pic from my cruise

one of my favorites out of the trip, me and my cousin victor outside the dining room we went to for dinner each night on the boat- the carnival liberty..

back from vacation

just got back from a 7 day cruise with my entire family, and some family friends, 31 people in all. there were cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, sisters, brothers, etc etc. it was fun but also pretty exhausting, and i'm so glad now to be back in the privacy of my apartment. i spent most of today recovering and sleeping and now i finally feel awake. here is my favorite song today, pretty haunting and sad but still so beautiful. it's by the arcade fire.

a salty weekend

this weekend was pretty nice, i must say. i have been waiting all summer for salt to finally come out, and it sure was worth the wait! angelina jolie can basically play an action hero in her sleep. and it was the perfect summer popcorn movie flick. that is, if i actually ever ate popcorn at the movies. i had a salad for dinner at a lovely restaurant with my bf before the show, while jealously watching him eat a delicious-looking pasta meal. the heat was so oppressive we thought we might pass out, but it's summer so i got to wear a cute black and white dress i got a while ago from forever21.com and completely forgot i had. well, i forgot it was a dress and for some reason thought of it more as a top, so i never wore it until last night. with some cute white heels :) and my cute black and white rollerball necklace from the 'grace' jewelry line by molly sims.

we got to the movie almost an hour early to get good seats since it was opening weekend. why are people like angeline jolie so fascinating? she is beautiful but so are a lot of other actresses. maybe it is a combination of her beauty and acting talent, and the fact that she never pretends to be anything except for who she is. and people who lead that way tend to have a lot of admirers and imitators. my bf tells me that i look like her, and i can only feel complemented to be compared to this person who is widely considered to be the most beautiful woman on earth. i don't really see the resemblance. the movie was nonstop action, lots of fight and chase scenes but all so well done. i was even entertained by the fight choreography, and the stunts were also amazing. the storyline never dragged, it kept you engaged the whole time. i would definitely go see it again and this may be one of the few movies i choose to own when it comes out on DVD. there is something so captivating about angelina, how she can pull off complicated characters, all while looking drop dead gorgeous in this effortless, stylish way. you just wish that you could be her.

today i had the heavenly pleasure of getting two massages (birthday gift card from my sweet bf.) one of these was a scalp massage, which i had never had before today. it was amazing! i always loved having my hair shampooed at hair salons simply because it feels so relaxing, so i was really looking forward to this massage. the lady who did it used this lavender oil that was so relaxing, and started massaging between my eyes and up towards my forehead using her thumbs and it was just so nice. i felt totally spoiled, totally relaxed and so happy. after that, me and my bf had some lunch and suddenly it started pouring rain. i didn't remember to bring an umbrella, and he wanted to run through it to get back to his car, so he dragged me by my hand out in the storm and we proceeded to get completely drenched. but you know, those are the little moments you remember and recall fondly when you think about being young.

back in the car i nearly froze to death and made him turn down the air conditioning. after some grocery shopping he dropped me off and i started to read and promptly took a long nap in my air conditioned room. now i'm here online, catching up on the archives of fashiontoast.com. life can be so sweet.

cause I am not a material girl

i remember once watching a tv movie about madonna's life (Madonna: Innocence Lost (1994) in which an actress played madonna in the role and it was sort of a biographical story of her struggles trying to become famous in new york. i remember being intrigued and fascinated by her minimal apartment with just a fridge and kitchen table. and there is a scene where she is standing at a phone booth and her suitcase gets stolen. the robbers run off with it and it opens up, spilling it's contents onto the sidewalk. She chases after them yelling ‘hey, they have my stuff!’

I was marvelled again. all she had in the suitcase which she sat on the floor to collect was a rosary, a picture of her mother, a couple of dresses, a blanket and some dance leotards. i thought, how simple it must be able to to carry everything you own with you in a suitcase and travel from place to place with ease. to not be attached to any other physical things. unfortunately, i'm sentimental about a lot of things. i have kept every journal i've ever owned, except some assigned in high school which i miraculously let go of after reading 'clutter busting' by brooks palmer. i also own clothes that i'm sentimental about, like a blouse and heart necklace (that's turning black) that i wore on my first date with my bf, and the part of the first gift he ever gave me, 2 beaded bracelets which are now falling apart.

i have even felt sentimental about books i have kept! i had one for many years called 'gonna bake me a rainbow poem' that i bought in like the 5th grade just because it was the first book to introduce me to poetry and caused me to fall in love with it. Don’t know how I was able to let that go. I also still have my e.e.cummings big poetry anthology that i was obsessed with in high school, even though I have hardly looked at it in years.

today was a nice, slow friday, except for the rain which was annoying me as i ran out to new york and company during my lunch to buy a black, faux-leather motorcycle jacket (yeah, in the middle of summer, i don't get it either). but i love it! i saw a similar jacket in a magazine (worn by jessica alba) and just fell in love. you can wear it with so many things, so i justified the purchase as an investment. i will definitely be wearing it to death. here's a pic from ny & co.'s website

birthday thoughts/musings

below is a pic of me on my birthday, i took a few but only liked how i look in this one. for some reason, my birthday didn't feel that real to me this year, maybe because i'm refusing to acknowledge it the same way i would before. i used to really think about it, but now not so much. i try not to. in my mind i'm still 30, actually, more like 24. i know i had a cake and blew out a candle and opened gifts, but it still just felt like some ordinary day. still, i get the sense of time passing, so now that i can actually afford it, i'm going to spend more time and effort on my look every day and the clothes/shoes/jewelry i choose to wear. it's now or never, you know?

for my birthday i got yet more jewelry (2 necklaces) and a set of 3 handbags/totes, a beautiful white and gold longish short dress from my aunt, a blue and silver glittery scarf (which i love and can't wait to wear!!), and a big, caramel colored handbag from the rachel zoe line, which i'm going to use as my carry on/purse for my upcoming flights. it's roomy enough to fit everything that i will need. i am so obsessed with it and am currently using it as my everyday work bag. it's not the easiest thing to carry in a sea of New York City commuters though, people are constantly knocking into it.

unfortunately this video doesn't show the bag i have, but it shows some other nice pieces from rachel zoe's QVC line. my bag can be seen here: http://www.qvc.com/qic/qvcapp.aspx/view.2/app.detail/params.item.A200864.desc.Rachel-Zoe-Large-Flap-Front-Satchel

i think i'm obsessed with rachel because she looks at fashion as something fun to play around with and not be taken seriously. and she knows that glamour is fun and is a form of self expression. why not celebrate the fact that you are alive and adorn yourself a little? or a lot?

my partial jewelry collection

life with no internet

for the past week, since my birthday, i have had a virus on my computer which prevented me from opening my internet browser. what a pain that was! i didn't realize how much i depended on the internet in my home on a daily basis, to look up random things, check the weather, email my mother, look for music and movies, read inspirational fashion blogs, and write here of course. it was really tough! i guess i am more addicted to being online than i previously thought. so i spent a whole lot of time reading a book, yet another book about clutter, but i don't want to write too much about it since i haven't really gotten too far into it yet.



i watched the movie 'chloe' last night which was pretty good mostly because the main actors in it were all beautiful and easy to look at. the story was purposel mysterious in not revealing the history of the main character, the prostitute played by amanda seyfried. it sure was a far cry from her roles in mean girls and mamma mia. she was not ditzy at all in 'chloe' and you always believe julianne moore instantly no matter what role she plays. i saw her in a movie called 'the forgotten' which was such an amazing role. you really believed she was a mother suffering for her lost son. here she is suffering in her marriage which has lost it's spark. and you believe it every time she cries here too.

the story is complex and some characters, like the husband, are a bit underdeveloped. but that's probably the point, since the focus of the movie is on chloe and her manipulations and motives. i can't understand how an actress would want to do a film like this that is so exposed and vulnerable for the world to see, but i guess money talks when you're trying to make a name for yourself in hollywood. just look at all the crappy movies nicole kidman has been in, while she has also been in some great ones. there is something about julianne moore's and amanda seyfried's characters that feels real, so you get hooked into their stories right away.

every day that goes by brings me one day closer to my family cruise, and 7 days of being away from my bf. which makes me sad. it's almost like i can't wait to get it over with and get back to my life where i feel special, loved and secure. i hate to fly and it makes me nervous, but if anything happens i figure at least i will be with my family, who makes me feel safe as well. i'm not packing nearly as much as i would normally though, since there is no one out there for me to impress and i'm just going for a restful vacation. no need to weigh my luggage down with tons of jewelry, make up and dress/outfit changes. i will defintiely be travelling light. and the flights back and forth will be short too, so there will be no need to bring tons of onboard entertainment and reading materials. i will probably just bring a book or magazine and my ipod.

life's too short for a bad outfit

i've been reading a lot of fashion books, blogs and magazines lately and thinking about my own personal style. i definitely gravitate towards certain things over and over and sometimes feel like i need to be jolted out of my rut. i can't count the amount of green dresses and tops i have, and yellow is another favorite color too. i have a cousin my age who's closet is filled with nothing but red, so i guess to each their own.

the thing is, when i do where a weird color for me, like blue, red, orange, pink or purple, people always compliment me on looking good in those colors. i don't really dress for what looks good on my skin type. I’m not to big on wearing prints either, except for florals. i only own one pink item in my entire wardrobe, and i got it for free, i didn't buy it. i went through a purple faze for a while. but today i bought yet another patterned green dress. i don't know why i couldn't go for the same dress in another color. i also like all black or all white, but not really black and white mixed together. i don't think it really works with my skin tone. i get bored and washed out when i wear grey or tan colored clothing, feeling like i blend in too much with everyone else.

I love feminine pieces. i love flowing, bohemian style dresses, billowy blouses and lacy details. i love wearing skirts and dresses (long and short) way more than wearing pants. i'm not big on designers or labels. I like making more affordable pieces my own. it's not about the clothes to me, it's how you wear them. Debbie Harry took a pillowcase out of a dumpster and made an iconic dress out of it. Shirley Manson bought a cheap $15 dress from a teen store for her ‘stupid girl’ video and everyone begged her to know who designed it. this is what i'm talking about. It’s supposed to look like effortless chic, not like you are trying to hard. In that spirit, the dress I bought to wear on my birthday is short, yellow and brown color blocked (sort of) and cost me $9.99

the only designer who has gotten my attention has been nanette lepour, and i like the clothing line, ‘free people.’ i tend to find myself at small no-name boutiques around the streets where i work, and i take a lot of inspiration from the girls i just see walking in the streets of new york. they often put things together in a way i would've never thought of on my own. and then when i copy their look i seem original :)

i hate it when things get lost in my closet and i forget i have them. i'm trying to be more conscious of shopping for things that i actually need, not just more of the same. like maybe try to stay away from buying more dresses and try other things like belts? or shawls? or shorts? i wish i could win one of those lucky magazine shopping sprees i keep entering. i always feel like, except for a few favorite key pieces, my wardrobe always needs a major overhaul.

sending you forget me nots..

its' kind of funny that george michael is back in the news with another arrest for something, when i happened to rediscover this old song of his that i always loved because it's such a cool summer song and fun to dance to. i was searching for some new songs to download and found it that way- it reminds me of my carefree younger days




it was this song, along with lady gaga which i'm only now discovering how catchy her music is (it takes me a while to hear and get into trendy music sometimes). i was in the mood to listen to feel good music since my boss is on vacation this week, and even though the temperature is hovering at 102 degrees in NYC right now, i'm still finding myself happy somehow. it was so much fun listening to bad romance, just dance, alejandro and telephone during my train ride this morning, making the comute seem almost cheerful. i am needing another air conditioner desperately. or at least a fan at my desk at home so i can go online without feeling like i'm suffocating. right now the only ac i have is in my bedroom so i can actually sleep when the weather is like this.

i was reading my monthly horoscope and supposedly around my birthday this year, i will be getting a great work opportunity, and a unique opportunity to see my life become significantly different than how it is now. it'll even be a good time for me to overhaul my look or change my name due to the eclipse taking place in cancer on july 11, and those with their birthdays closest to that date will be affected most. my birthday is the 10th, so i can't wait to see waht happens. i long for a new beginning in my job, and to somehow make friends who share my interests and who i feel i can trust, that's a big issue for me for some reason. i always think people have ulterior motives and it's hard for me to really open up. but i feel ready for a new challenge. my birthday is this saturday, and at 31, i think i'll be long overdo.

another sexy summer tune..

pic of me writing at the park today

it was so hot, i thought i might melt

Fashion dreams

since work slows down considerably in the summertime (yay!) and my boss is going on vacation next week (yay again!) i spend most of my workday looking at fashion blogs. this habit unfortunately makes me want to shop more, but fortunately it inspires me to express myself more through my clothing choices. and it reminds me that it's ok and even fun to go over the top with fashion sometimes.

today i found this great blog that i will definitely be reading daily from now on-fashiontoast.com. i was working through the archives when suddenly the pictures failed to load at work, so i will have to continue studying it at home. there is so much about it that i love: the random photography (some from japan which is my dream destination), the everyday normal world feel, the poetic entries and blog titles, and the one of a kind thrift store (and ebay) fashion finds that happen to look brand new and fabulous on the author/model. below are some excerpts, but you should really check the pics that go with the blog itself to get the full effect. the pic above this post is unrelated to these entries, it's just another pic that i liked and found interesting.

4/5/2010

this time

Hopping around a field and high on nature, baring shoulders at 46 degrees, watching the crows fly ahead more slowly and quietly than in a dream, letting the wind feed me my hair, running and talking faster and faster to keep warm, falling and not caring, forgetting about almost everything. Ten minutes on a Sunday.

2/27/2010

on track

"I get a lot of questions in regards to the "braveness" to dress any way you want to in the public eye..be it the grocery store, school, party, etc...and where I get the confidence to wear this or that. Which is strange to me because I'm really not that out there in my mind...but it's touching in the most real way to read emails from girls that thought they were too tall to wear platform heels/afraid what their peers would think if they were to dress the way they wanted to/want to add some glamour back into their lives saying that I've inspired them to break out of the box in any way. My outlook has always been that people in the streets aren't dressing to please me, why should I take them into account when dressing myself? Playing with clothes is one of the most basic pleasures in life along with other stupid crap like peeling nail polish off in single sheets, crawling into a sun warmed car, and laughing about nothing and everything. If I were to die tomorrow I would be glad that I wore a slightly inappropriate coat and five inch heels to a deserted train station in the middle of the day. You know what I mean? "

blot out the sun

yesterday i had to attend a boring work event but at least (after the meeting portion) i got to spend the whole day out in the park. there were people playing softball, basketball, volleyball, and climbing the rock wall and mostly i sat in the shade and just watched with some of my coworkers. it sure beat being in the office on a beautiful summer day. today i'll be going to my cousin's baby shower, she'll be having a little girl in august. i can't wait to put on my new white lacy mini skirt and dark purple tank top which goes with my pale purple nail polish, and accessorize with a layer of necklaces and my white handbag which i love. fashion is so fun and makes me happy! or maybe it's just that's summertime, and i love the warm weather. you get to have so much more fun dressing up. being able to look good in any clothing is a great motivation for working out as well.

i was just reading one of the 20 magazines that my sister lent me recently. it was the instyle issue that had gwen stefani on the cover, i think it was the march issue. i was never a huge no doubt fan or anything. but i can't believe that woman is 40 and after 2 kids still has an amazing body. she said she needs to workout before 12pm or she won't do it, and that her main motivation is loving to wear the clothes she wants to wear and design. talk about discipline. to do all that with two kids. anyway, it's a good way to make a habit of exercise. and i like that she admits that it's difficult, but definitely doable.

my favorite song today is:

things i'm grateful for

i wrote this list in my journal last night:

1. i still have some time to lose weight before my family cruise
2. i had a good workout today, cardio and pilates arm sculpting
3. i have my bf back :)
4. the beautiful new jade bracelet i got from the bf for our anniversary
5. air conditioning
6. clean water to drink and to bathe with
7. having my own apartment and a bedroom in which i can close the door
8. ear plugs
9. all the interesting reading material online
10. free workout videos on youtube
11. my sony electronic reader
12. my family
13. getting the most important things on my to-do list done today
14, getting a chance to write this list and think about all i'm grateful for
15. books and magazines so i can read in bed
16. coffee
17. my comfy new bed

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favorite song of the moment:

some pics from last mother's day

me and my sister in the above pic

me and my aunt, love her!

even further away

so little time for creativity. so little inspiration. so little energy. it really gets to me. now i'm so preoccupied with losing weight that i think that that's what i should be doing with all my spare time, exercising. i want to feel good about myself again, and i hate that its so hard. ok, i'm not big, but lately people have been commenting that i've gained weight, and of course for a woman that might as well mean she gained 800 pounds. i have never been heavy. but i guess now i am heavier than i used to be. and that it just killing me. it hurts to exercise and diet and still have people tell you that you're gaining weight. when you're denying yourself of your favorite indulgences, and barely eating any dinners, and drinking gallons of water, you want to have something to show for it. it's so hard now and i guess i need to adjust to that. put my writing time and creativity aside and exercise now when i have free hours and energy.

i got out of work a bit early today so i decided to do all the chores i've been neglecting, like laundry and taking out garbage and doing dishes, but after all that i rewarded myself with an hour long bike ride which was a lot of fun since i haven't done that since i was a teenager, and hey, it counts as exercise! it felt good to feel my leg muscles working and it's pretty nice out today so i worked up a sweat. every now and then a breeze would come by and it felt so amazing, and i remembered why i love bike riding so much. it's definitely a lot more fun and less boring than walking.

tomorrow i thought i'd taking advantage of certain sales going on and buy some bathing suits for my vacation. too bad i'm not down to my ideal weight yet, but i'm running out of time and need to buy those suits. i wish i could go back to the days when my metabolism was fast and took care of itself, and i didn't need to exercise or even think about. i'd just eat a little less than normal and drop weight so quickly. now all i can think about is eating some cinnamon life cereal, since i just had a small piece of chicken and some vegetables for dinner and i'm longing for some dessert. oh the pleasures of the pressure to be thin. i don't think i could be happy seeing myself any other way though. i just wish it wasn't so much hard work.

after my laundry is done i'll be doing some arm toning pilates with some weights i bought, and then maybe an instant play dance cardio video from netflix. if that's not intense enough i guess i'll be going back to my old stand-by, the killer dvd called blast fat, boost metabolism with jillian michaels. fun!

sing sweet nightingale

recently on ebay i finally got the DVDs of Fantasia and Cinderella. for the longest time i just had the vhs tapes and could not bring myself to part with them. anyway the DVDs are better because they have the featurettes with all the interesting information about the making of the movies. so this morning when i woke up i watched cinderella, and it's still funny and entertaining to me. i must be the only 30 year old woman (almost 31!) who owns movies like the little mermaid, alice in wonderland, fantasia and cinderella on DVD. but i can delight in being weird since that is just who i am. here is one of my favorite scenes when Cinderella starts to sing,

introversion- blessing or curse?

i have this issue. i can only spend so much time around people and being social. i don't know what it is. i can't go out everyday and i need a lot of alone time in order to process things and recharge mentally. extroverted people get their energy from other people, and hate to be alone or doing nothing. i am the total opposite. i feel like i need a certain amount of alone time for my sanity. i can't lose a certain amount of sleep, or i get agitated and anxious. and i can't spend all my time around other people, or go straight from work to being with other people without a chance for for rest. i think it had to do with how i was growing up. since i was always on the shy side, i spent a lot of time alone in my room, reading, writing, watching movies, whatever. i had my family but they didn't bother me or get in my way. they left me to listen to music and just do my own thing. and now i feel unsettled and uneasy if i don't have that similar disconnect from the world.

i don't know what it is. it makes me fear for the future. like i hope that one day i'll be able to be married, but then what if i can't be? what if i feel claustrophobic? is that something completely irrational and strange? are people like me meant to be on their own? i had a busy weekend full of activity and today i could hardly hold it together. i had to be by myself, because not getting one day completely to myself was disorienting for me. this really can't be healthy. most people can function with a lot going on in their lives all the time. but i can't seem to make myself do that. it gets to me because i fear that one day life will change and i won't be able to afford the luxury of solitude. and then how will i cope?

being introverted does have its good things, it allows you to delve into your creativity. it allows for peace of mind and space between the rush of life. and i guess for me that's more important than it is for some people. maybe i have spent too many years living on my own and i'm too accustomed to it, and can't imagine how i could function and be myself completely around someone else if i live with them. it was different growing up. i guess my parents thought it best to have me home and safe, where they know where i am. and my sister was always the social one and therefore never home, especially when we got into our teens. i found it strange that my parents said they missed me when i moved out of the house and into my own apartment at age 24. i thought it wouldn't make much difference since i hardly spent much time with them when i did live at home. i finally got fed up with being alone in my room all the time and letting life pass me by.

i had to go out, move out and experience new people and a new way of thinking about life. i'm glad that i did it, because i've come a long way. but i still don't feel normal in the social sense. but normal is defined differently by everyone. sometimes i feel i have lost touch with myself, and that's when the anxiety sets in. and i have to try to divert my thoughts away from that. it can be a struggle and a difficult balance. but when i'm sitting at work, i'm sure like anyone else i start to have those thoughts like who am i? where am i going? is this really what i want out of life? what am i doing to make my life better and happier? i try to be happy with myself and my life and just tell myself that i'm doing the best that i can. and i will know the right things to do when the time comes. i just hope that i am right.

creating a beautiful life

i realized a few things today. its time to take a hard look at my self, my life and my choices and decide if i am living a life that is truly authentic to who i am, and to my personality. i need to stop doing things just because they are expected of me, or meet someone else's idea of me. i notice that i make these types of decisions a lot, and ignore my own inner voice in the process. i need to wake up each day and ask myself, what do i really want to do today? what would excite me and make me happy to be alive right now in this time and place? is this a day i can choose to change my routine? make a new friend? listen to a different song? choose not to conform to expectations or society? choose a new path? i tend to forget that all these things are possible. and that i am the only one responsible for my life.

there is a great big world out there that i have hardly explored, even though i've been living in it for 30 years. and that is sad really. i don't want to get to the end of my life and fear that i was too afraid to live, to risk and to try new things. there is no sense in putting off living until later. so i need to ask myself what i really want to be eating, doing, watching, consuming, spending my time on. what speaks directly to me as a person? and that's the only way to get a sense of myself back, and to realize that happiness and contentment are in my own hands.

would i really be ok if i chose to give up on myself? chose not to socialize or gave up on my fitness goals? i don't think there's a reason to give in to those things and take the easy way out, when i have the choice not to. i can't grow if i don't push myself. if i stick to the same routines, places, and people, how will i ever explore who i am as an individual? and all those interesting things that life has to offer to someone like me? i'm too young to give up on myself, to give in to some sadness that i don't have to pay attention to. i can choose differently.

i love this quote from the book i'm currently reading called 'Callings' by Gregg Levoy-

"You are ceremonially free," says Stephen Foster in The Book of the Vision Quest, "to bury, burn, smash, change your name, bathe, vow, draw blood, cut your hair, heap stones, chant, rattle, dance, sing, tie knots, light a candle, go nude, make gifts, use incense, pray, kneel, meditate, nightwalk, paint yourself, or behave in any other way that is meaningful to you."

i've been obsessed with this song lately, listening to it over and over:

how the other half lives

recently on mtv they had a show about two girls who had a compulsive shopping habit. One, a 19 year old, was feeling guilty about not paying her bills on time and the rental fee for her furniture so she decided to go to therapy. they didn't get too into this girl's history besides early shopping habits with her family. there was nothing about her educational background. her family didn't seem to care what she did for a living or that she was not in school. maybe they couldn't afford to send her. she was working at the door of a strip club, getting paid tips every night for letting the patrons in. she had cash in hand every night, which allowed her to easily go shopping often and spend everything. They gave an example of one night when she made $80 in tips.

she lived in a condo with her boyfriend, who seemed to let her dominate the relationship. he just smiled a lot and didn't talk much, admitting that he doesn't mind when she runs out of their dinner together to go shopping at a nearby mall before the stores closed. i found this to be hilarious in relation to my current situation. i live so frugally that it's a little nuts. i paid off my student loan, have no credit card debt, am supporting myself and living alone and have been since I was 24, and i can afford to really shop, but i don't. when i do shop, i like to do it at sites like thehungersite.com, where what you buy allows you to supply food to the hungry, or tomsshoes.com, where the shoes you buy automatically purchases a pair of shoes for a needy child. The girl on this show cared about little else than herself and her appearance. and the kicker is, her behavior was rewarded!

maybe she's with her boyfriend because he can give her an easier life, she didn't seem to care for or love him all that much. and at the end of the episode, there is a text update on her situation across the screen. it says that her boyfriend's parents recently bought a house for him, and she's planning to move in with him soon. some people have all the luck, don't they? i mean she's probably all of 20 and living in a house already, without having had to work for it, without having had to get a college education to ensure that she's not dependant on any man. i have to wonder what this guy really sees in her. i just don't get it, and it makes me mad! why do slackers get rewarded while hard workers and responsible people like me are only met with more hard work? i'm so work oriented that i couldn't slack at a job even if i tried. and this girl never had to try for anything! boyfriend, check, job, check, house, check, money, check. family, check. i mean, huh? makes me feel silly for trying and killing myself to try to establish some sort of career/work history/experience.

personally, i need to feel that my work is somehow meaningful to me. that's why i'm job searching at the moment, and always thinking about the things that really excite me and that i'm passionate about. this girls life is basically going to be about owning a lot of pretty clothes and accessories, i guess that's enough for some people. but if i were to live with someone, i'd want to make sure they really love me. not that they are a doormat that lets me walk all over them. whoa i sure wrote a lot on this, i guess it really bothered me!

audrey tatou, coco chanel and me

in the extras of a DVD i rented called 'coco before chanel' audrey tatou is shown at one of the red carpet premieres being interviewed. they don't show the question asked of her, but her reply is 'it's important to create your life and not be passive, not wait for something to happen.' that is as succinct as it gets, isn't it?

if only i knew how to get past the fear. sometimes i get this rush of courage and i tell myself to just do it, to just try. to quit my job and try to work somewhere more interesting part time to stay afloat, until i figure out what else i want to do. to go to bartending school, to learn and instrument and join a band, to learn to sing, who cares if i fail? at least I would have gone out and tried. but i remain here in the same place. one of the poets i saw read at the bust magazine event last week has founded her own nonprofit organization for poets, and she's only 26 years old. what have i done?

sometimes i'm at work and i think, this is all that i'll be known for after i'm gone, and it's a bad feeling. i want to do and be more and help people. i don't want to settle anymore. it's not fulfilling and it's drudgery. not fun at all.

‘coco before chanel’ was a really great movie. it goes into chanel's early life as an orphan, and how she gradually was drawn into her vocation of fashion design. she was an artist at a time when women weren't expected to work. she was a feminist and an individual, a woman who refused marriage, who preferred to be a mistress than a wife. she mentions that her mother was an idiot because she married for love, and cried and suffered her whole life because of it. she waited and waited while her husband went out and had affairs and one day he came home and found her dead. dead of a broken heart i would guess.

with all the media surrounding famous unfaithful men lately its really hard to have any desire to get married. the last thing i would want is for familiarity to extinguish the spark of passion. i guess i have trust issues and worry about the wandering eye. it doesn't seem normal for humans to be expected to remain monogamous. it doesn't seem to work out well for us here in the modern world. maybe i'm cynical. but considering the current divorce rates, can you really blame me? it's a scary proposition, but maybe not for some people (if they know they have found the right person). Maybe it is better to be a mistress than a wife, at least then when the man leaves your whole life doesn’t fall apart as well, and you eliminate the whole betrayal, and get to retain some dignity.