the burdens of womanhood

i was going along fine, living my life, enjoying music and free time and creativity, reading, solitude and leisure. and then i decided to go visit my parents and sister because i missed them, and because my sister is going to give birth soon to her second child. over dinner, the inevitable came up again, the question of marriage and babies just because i've been in a relationship for almost 5 years. this annoys me and actually causes me a great deal of anxiety.

for the past couple of days it's been worrying me- that i'm expected to be this person i'm not, that i don't fit the mold, that something is horribly wrong with me. and all i 'm doing is living my life and being true to myself. why is it that people can't just date without everyone around them putting in their two cents about where the relationship should be headed? why can't people just date and have fun and move things to the next level with ease when and if they feel ready to?

why are these questions so important to everyone else who is outside of that relationship? i don't think it's a desire to see me happy or an assumption that i'm not. because i'm obviously always happy when i communicate to my family. so this kind of boggles my mind. just because i'm a certain age, and a woman i guess, i'm expected to want certain things, even if they don't resonate with me at all and what i want out of life.

i'm not saying they never will (it's a strong possibility i'll always feel this way though), but i'd rather not be rushed into the process or feel worried that i will be shunned or unacceptable or unloved if i don't go along with someone else's picture of what my life should be. people talk about these things as if they are inevitable, as if i have no choice or say in the matter. and that is really scary! why does everyone feel the need to push their ideas on others as if they were incapable and had no brain or desires of their own?

my coworker tells me that we as humans are here on the planet for the purpose of reproduction. maybe that's true for her and some people, maybe the majority, but not all. mother theresa was single and childless and probably the most selfless person on earth. her path and purpose was obviously not to procreate, but it doesn't mean that her life's work meant nothing.

this article, written by Polly Vernon says it better than i ever could- read it!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/jun/14/polly-vernon-childlessness-cameron-diaz-babies

here is an excerpt that is so true:

"I stated my case. I listed my reasons, even though it annoys me that the child-free have to justify their status. No one ever asks a parent why they have kids. But I explained that I like my life as it is, my lifestyle, my career. I explained that I had felt this way for 30 years - and that even though all the things that were supposed to change my mind (love, a long-term relationship, pressure from breeding contemporaries) had happened to me, I remain resolutely childless.

I explained that I like the potential of my childless existence: to travel, sleep, read, drink, watch HBO box sets, have feckless fun."

my sister is constantly stressed out and exhausted and wanting sleep, but she chose to have her children and is willing to make that sacrifice. she has wanted kids all her life, i never have not even for a moment. it is a load of work that you have to commit yourself to day after day forever. i just don't know if that's something i will ever have the strength, patience, confidence and stability to do. and i shouldn't feel like there's something terribly wrong with me because of that.