energy flows where attention goes

“Life is like a mirror, you get the best results when you smile at it”
-Unknown

i read this quote today on thehealthylivinglounge.com and it really struck me with its truth. isn't it true that when you are feeling moody and awful, that a bunch of things get in your way all day and make you feel worse? or you find that people are especially mean and rude? i know that happens to me. that's why negative states of mind are so unhealthy and i try to avoid them as much as a i can. i do everything possible to try to lift my mood and feel better again. because i know it will only yield bad things if i continue to be negative and hostile.

on those days when you feel great, confident, full of energy and happy, isn't it true that the whole world and everyone you come into contact with responds to you with that same kind of positivity? it's strange but what we expect is what usually happens, and if we expect people to be kind and open, if we project that outwards, then it usually comes back to us. i think it's harmful to harbor resentment. or to be so self absorbed that other people completely annoy and bother you. everyone is going through their own struggles in life, and i try to keep that in mind before getting annoyed with perfect strangers throughout my day.

the other day i got angry at a crossing guard who stops the traffic for people crossing the street to get to the train in the morning, just because he told me to smile. actually he said (with a smile), 'it's ok, you can smile.' there's really no harm in that, in wanting to see someone else smiling, but i got so offended thinking that i shouldn't be told to smile because i'm not a morning person, and part of my mind is still in my bed. but that attitude wasn't going to be serving me at all. it would just be starting off my day on a negative note. and for what? just a day later and waking up happier, i realized there is no harm in smiling and saying good morning to someone, especially the first person you come in to contact with every day. everyone likes to feel acknowledged just because we are human beings, and it doesn't seem right to ignore someone crossing your path.

i like to wish kindness on my fellow commuters on the train in morning with this silent Buddhist kindness prayer (below), which i found on thehealthylivinglounge.com as well as in the book 'happy for no reason.' It was the most memorable part of the book to me (and I quickly committed it to memory), because it's such a simple way to bring more happiness and peace into your heart.

I usually focus on one person at a time who is seated near me and pray-

May you be happy,
May you be healthy,
May you be at peace,
May you live with ease

be kind to yourself

i think it may be time to stop the constant interior monologue. to just try to be in the moment and enjoy life for what it is. someone recently reminded me that the grass always seems greener on the other side, but in actuality, no one's life is perfect. like christian slater says in the movie heathers- 'everyone's life's got static.' i've been in this frame of mind recently of stopping the need for perfection and just accepting myself as i am. it's not easy. but i'm trying. if i'm someone who's more of a homebody, who enjoys taking naps and watching movies, then who cares really? it's my life.

i can't be on all the time. i can't be moving forward and progressing every minute of every day. when the day comes that i feel more social, i'll reach out more to others. if what makes me happy is reading and going online and looking up stuff like committing random acts of kindness, then that's my thing. i can't enjoy living if i'm constantly worrying that i'm somehow not good enough. by who's definition? sometimes you need to just let go and let God. sometimes you have to see yourself as good enough. and love yourself as you are.it's worth it just for the mental break. it's worth it just to silence the inner critic for a while. while i'm busy complaining about myself, i'm missing out on beauty in life, on fun and simplicity, and most importantly, on the present moment.

it doesn't serve anyone at all to project into the future. it's one thing to imagine yourself in an ideal way and work towards your dreams. it's another thing to beat yourself up over every little perceived fault. i tend to forget that it's ok to be human. it's ok to be tired after a long day. it's ok to be in a bad mood sometimes and know that it will pass. it's ok to feel that you need to work on yourself, but all the work doesn't need to be done instantly or all at once.

there are so many other more productive things that can be done with your time. you can see how you can help or serve others, improve their lives, give back some of the gifts you have been blessed with and share them, whether its time, money, words, art, whatever. trying to be perfect is exhausting. helping other people and not being self-obsessed is rewarding.

i found this list online and kept it as my daily to-do list. i can't remember which website it came from-

·connect – develop interpersonal relationships.

·be active – sports, gardening, walking, dancing, etc.

·be curious – notice the beauty of everyday moments as well as the unusual.

·learn – the challenge and satisfaction bring joy and confidence.

·give – helping friends and strangers links your wellness to a larger community.

100 things i miss

1. my mother's cooking on a daily basis
2. driving
3. the show 'daria'
4. new Garbage albums
5.meditating (i'm trying to get back into the habit)
6. my hair actually looking good
7. my body actually looking good
8. not being on medication
9. my friend idalmis
10. my friend liana
11. my nephew
12. the endless supply of energy i used to have for reading and writing
13. lazy mornings of staying home from school
14. snow days
15. bike riding in the park
16. my piano lessons
17. dance class
18. poetry readings i used to attend in college
19. my cousin eric who moved to texas
20. my cousin victor who i hardly get to see
21. being a temp (because no one cared if i came into work or not)
22. certain aspects of living with my parents
23. having pets because i didn't have to take care of them
24. feeling free of responsibilities
25. the flexible schedule of college classes
26. hugs from my mom
27. hugs from friends
28. going out just to hang out, without having anywhere in particular to go
29. having the guts to meet strangers and try to make friends
30. having someone to back me up at work
31. great old shows like melrose place (the remake can't compare)
32. my meditation class/group that i used to see a lot
33. when i didn't have to do laundry
34. when i didn't have to cook for myself
35. when i didn't have to worry about gaining weight
36. my 20's
37. being in my teens and knowing my whole life was ahead of me
38. the show 'charmed' even though it was corny
39. the show 'clean sweep' that made saturday mornings great
40. when i was allowed to leave early from work when it wasn't busy
41. when all my overtime wasn't terribly scrutinized
42. living in my old town of hoboken, nj where everyone was around my age
43. feeling like my point of view mattered
44. my old blog on the garbage.com site
45. having more time for myself for reading and writing and meditating
46. my life before i ever had a panic attack
47. the way living at home made me feel free to quit jobs i didn't like
48. the gel pens i used to write with
49. when i liked my job
50. my happy/cozy childhood
51. passing notes in class, sending emails is just not the same
52. learning something new, though i start classes again next month
53. not having a work blackberry
54. not having a boss that would start me on projects at the end of the day, and on fridays!
55. feeling like i belonged in a group of friends, even though they would annoy me at times
56. my friend jeff
57. my friend taka
58. the entertainment of reading angels and demons
59. the entertainment of reading the da vinci code
60. the days when i actually felt rested after sleeping
61. the days when i wasn't addicted to coffee
62. watching a movie in a theater without having to watch people texting and checking their phones
63. watching a movie and not having it ruined by people talking
64. working without having my boss shout at me from their office
65. working someplace where i didn't have to attend work functions that are far away from the office
66. being young and not needing to shave before going swimming
67. the days when i didn't have to grocery shop
68. the days before the wintertime would depress me
69. remembering my dreams more vividly
70. having summers off, not working
71. getting lost in music
72. models on the covers of magazines, instead of actresses
73. never running out of writing ideas
74. when i used to have energy to hang out by myself in the city after work
75. when i went to california with my family, i want to go back again because i hardly remember it
76. my family trip to europe. i was distracted by a relationship and couldn't really enjoy it fully
77. watching cartoons, bike riding, doing watercolors and staying up late in the summer with my cousins
78. when i used to meditate daily
79. going to the mall or shopping in the city with my mom and sister
80. the days when i didn't have to clean my place, clean the bathroom
81. the days when i used to get christmas gifts from my aunts
82. school days of writing poetry during class
83. visitng my sister at her apartment
84. drinking strawberry milk before i knew how many calories were in it
85. same as above but chocolate milk instead of strawberry
86. the days before i would worry about counting calories
87. every single day when i felt great about myself and my looks
88. the days when i used to be able to go out at night, see a band and have drinks and still be able to get up for work the next day
89. the days before reality television
90. the days before everyone in the U.S. had a cell phone
91. the days i should have been thinking carefully about which major to choose
92. Christmas breaks from school
93. the barnes and noble that used to be in the east village
94. CBGB's
95. the joyce leslie store that used to be in the east village
96. going to outdoor movies and plays
97. the feeling after getting a great haircut
98. when i was little and my mom would buy me and my sister little suprise gifts
99. when we used to go pick up my mom from her night job. my dad would drive me and my sister to the city on friday nights and it was fun because we were little. it was the start of the weekend
100. my dreamy vision of what living on my own would be like

*just want to add that making a list of 100 things you are grateful for is a much more positive and uplifting thing to do if you're looking for a writing prompt! i made a list of 100 things i'm grateful for in my regular paper journal and going back and rereading it always helps to lift me out of a bad mood

in another time

i think i was still free then
still alive and in a moral way
a red lip stain
some shiny strands, a gleam in the eye
i looked straight ahead
i didn't sense whats coming
i didn't know the truth

being aloof and alone. a mystery.
someone afraid and just holding on
to being someone else, too young, too naive
and yet free, and yet trapped
inside

i chose hiding
it was easier
i chose a shadow instead of shining my light
i think i was alive then
and the air screamed for me to wake-
and take
action, take them all by storm
i turned away
i turned within
became something sullen
became unaware
i grew into their stares, becoming nothing more
than a background figure
a spectator, something perhaps caught in a glimpse
of mist

in a whisper
of words never spoken, a wind that broke
swirling deep inside
i knew then what i don't know now
i was someone else in that yesterday
i spoke to you in dreams and somehow withdrew
all that i was
and all that i knew

relax into the mystery

"Absorb what is useful, Discard what is not, Add what is uniquely your own.”
~Bruce Lee

i like this quote. anything that promotes individuality, is something that i am drawn to. i feel ashamed most of the time. ashamed that i have become a conformist. and in a lot of ways i still dream of a completely different life. a life that i am no where near living. and it gets to me. i start to think about things and wonder, how important is this job/apartment/town/item i own to me? can i let it go and start over? can i do things without a safety net for once? go out on a limb and take a risk? its something that i fantasize about but don't have much courage to do. recently something happened to me at work that made me consider the possibility of losing my job. and somehow it didn't terrify me. i thought i would have new opportunities and no more excuses for not doing what i really want to try.

and i start to think well, things aren't so bad, but they aren't amazingly great either, and how long can i realistically sit with all this complacency? won't it drive me crazy in the end? cause a nervous breakdown? doesn't everyone deserve an amazingly great life and shouldn't they devote some time to figure out how to get one?

i try to think that i'm doing the best i can. that's all well and good but when you come down to it, i'm not seizing the day or the moment. i'm not doing the things that i long for. and i'm living in a way that does not relate to the real me. it's really hard to fit in with society. to live a 9 to 5 life, to work for the weekends, and dread all your mondays. and it shouldn't have to be that way. life wasn't meant to be lived that way. we are human beings, not machines. we should not live to work. we should not watch our lives go by in a blur as we strive for the bigger and better salary/house/reward.

we only get so many days on this earth. its a shame how we waste them all the time, with television, with too much sleeping, with isolation, with weariness and exhaustion. i'm all too aware of this. but it's hard to know how to change. i've always dreamed of being someone different. someone more social and less of a homebody. somehow i think my life would be so different and have more excitement. but how can i do that when it's not in my nature? how can i fight and overcome that shyness and fear? it's so hard to do what you know you should do. i know i should exercise more, write more, meditate, see my family more, make more friends,but i don't. even though i know these things will make me happy. why?

hee hee hee!

sometimes you just need a good laugh-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt60_8I6IUw

La Valse D'Amelie

i saw a ballet dance troupe perform a dance to this song from the movie 'Amelie' recently, they performed in an outdoor plaza in front of a bank near my job downtown. and something about this music just struck something deep within me, and made me feel happy and at peace the whole day




the song is called "La Valse D'Amelie"

beauty or comfort?

wow, talk about a run of bad luck. i've had a tough week to say the least, and now my computer seems to have eaten my favorite CD, Blondie by Blondie. wonderful. anyway, hopefully this ends soon and i can get back to feeling normal.

i was thinking about this question today, is it better to dress for comfort or for fashion? and it happened to be posed on the last page of the allure magazine issue i was reading. i usually dress for comfort, almost always actually. but sometimes it is fun to dress up for fashion and for feeling glamourous. some women swear by high heeled shoes, even for the workday. that's something i don't think i could ever do. i feel like i'm already tall enough and i love my comfortable flats. but once in a while, it's nice to be showy with a pair of heels, like for a party or a special night out on the town. wearing them just makes you feel different, they make you feel more graceful and feminine, give shape to your legs, and make you walk with more power and confidence. like it's a real accomplishment just be to able to walk in them! and for a little while, great heels can make you feel beautiful and sexy.

i've been longing for a pair of red ankle boots ever since i saw them on mary kate olsen in this picture. she once said that the right shoes can immediately change any outfit and make it special. even if the rest of what you are wearing is really not that impressive:

mary kate olsen, kate moss, shirley manson, debbie harry, sienna miller, (most of the time) all japanese/asian women, have the best style and are the ones i most look to for inspiration. i think because their style is unique to them, which is something that is so hard to do, to come up with your own personal look that when people see it they recognize it immediately.

heels hurt your feet and are hard to walk in, but they look fabulous. straight hair looks lovely, but it takes about an hour to get it to look right, and that's if there is zero humidity out there. sometimes i wish i could be really petitie, have smaller breasts, smaller arms, a tiny frame, so that way certain dresses and long necklaces and jewelry would look better on me, more like a statement done on purpose rather than looking like i'm trying too hard. i used to be really ok with my body and my look, but now i'm mostly trying to make do with what i have. how do these actresses get this skinny anyway? do they smoke and drink coffee all day? is that the trick? i wish i knew. i wish i could do it myself so i could feel like someone that stands out from the crowd again.

it's friday again, thank God

i'm still trying to throw out 50 things. it's been really slow going. so far this is all i have to add to my list:

16. green dress that never fit (too big)
17. black dress that never fit (too tight)
18. brown wooden heart earrings ($1 impulse buy)
19. piece of broken smoke detector i found in my closet
20. old catalogues
21. book, 'writing without the muse'

i got some new clothes from alloy.com that were shipped extremely fast so they arrived today :) so i felt better about getting rid of some older stuff. still wish i could let go of more though so that my closet can breathe. i honestly forget sometimes the clothes that i own, and then certain pieces never get worn. i'm so happy tomorrow is friday. this whole week has been so busy and i feel really tired. i think the hardest part about clearing clutter (besides clothes) is clearing my inbox of old emails. i have books filled with writing exercises, and yet i feel a need to collect even more writing exercises in a folder that i named 'journal jar' in my email inbox. and then i have another folder of inspirational quotes which i never read. and then i have older emails from friends of the past who i wish would return to my life. i tried reaching out to an old friend recently who i used to hang out with a lot but he never replied after his first reply. thought that's probably also because he was busy preparing to leave to japan for his first photography exhibition. i am so jealous. i would love to go to japan someday.

i'm still trying to lose about 5 lbs and it's getting irritating that the scale will not move. i'm 125 now and want to go down to 120. i don't feel comfortable at this weight, even if i look ok. i don't like my pants and dresses fitting tightly, and feeling like my stomach is hanging out. it's hard to eat healthy, but i am trying. i'm forcing myself. i'm drinking more water, eating more fruit, not eating too late at night, trying to keep my meals small. it's not easy. if i have vegetables and meat for dinner lets say, i get so hungry at night before bed. maybe it would help to try to get to bed earlier.

my neighbors in my apartment complex have been extremely loud tonight. it's been nothing but loud banging noises and loud talking outside, and kids running around and screaming and all this, and i'm like what the hell? when did this place turn into the circus? i really wanted to write poetry today, to post something more interesting here, but i just didn't have any inspiration. i couldn't get into that frame of mind at all. so happy that i have 2 long weekends coming up, maybe somehow i can get back to my creativity. it also doesn't help that the photographer behind joesnyc.com (nyc photo blog) has gone on a bunch of vacations and stopped posting pictures for long stretches of time. i really like going to his site each day to see the new photo, and it always makes me happy and sometimes even inspires writing. right now i think his site says that new photos will be returning september 4th. oh well

last weekend i went to see 'district 9' due to my bf's prompting. and i actually really enjoyed it more than i was expecting to. sure was different! i'm so glad project runway is back on the air with a new season. and now they have a spin off show called 'models of the runway' about the models who appear regularly on project runway. finally something to watch on tv! i think i'd rather die than watch courtney and chloe take miami.

throwing out 50 things

so with my free time at work, i like to read articles on line about home organization and decluttering. and i came across this book called 'throw out 50 things.' i forgot the author's name but i thought it sounded interesting so i started reading it at a bookstore during my lunch break. and i found the website when i got home, it's called throwoutfifitythings.com or something. if you look up that phrase in google, it's the first site that comes up. i thought it was interesting because on the web page the author has a downloadable workbook where you can type in all the 50 things you threw out individually, as a long list. this helps you to feel lighter at the end of the process when you see how much you were able to let go of and let out of your life. so i decided to try this. so far i have thrown out (or will give to my mom to donate) 15 things. here's my list so far:

My Throw-Outs-
1.old photos
2.black and white earrings (unwanted gift)
3.Peace sign earrings (unwanted gift)
4.Light pink bracelet- out of style
5.Wings of joy book
6.witch in every woman book
7.old ratty pashmina
8.old computer‘s drivers
9.relaxation book
10.ugly kitchen tablecloth that I never liked
11.Old, stained placemats
12.clothes I got tired of/don‘t fit
13.wireless router
14.old wallet
15. deck of 'uno' cards

in the process i found:

-an extra package of band aids that i will bring to the office for paper cuts. i bought a new pack for home without realizing i already had one!

-my alarm clock manual which i really needed to figure out why the alarm wouldn't go off. i finally fixed it

-a bottle of prescription medication that i used to use but still hasn't expired so it will save me money. i don't have to refill the one i have for a while

-the installation CDs for Microsoft works suite from my old computer, which i need to install onto my new computer. yes!

-a small empty box to use for jewelry storage in my dresser drawer

-lots of products that i've bought over the years to attempt to straighten my hair. have to try to let some of these go

-----------------------

i also read a feng shui article about being aware of the first thing you see at you enter your home. as that is the thing that 'greets' you and any guests you have as soon as you arrive. i realized that this thing for me was the garbage can and recycling bag in my kitchen! i sure am tired of seeing that as soon as i open the door to my apartment. so i moved some things around under my sink and put the garbage can in there, and also put the bag with the recyclables behind my table and out of site. and it's nice to see more of the floor and now i can properly get to mopping it.

as i was throwing out the garbage i came across this single rose just lying across from the garbage cans on a neighbor's ledge at the side of their yard. i felt like it was so out of place and had to go back and photograph it. i wish i could be one of those people who keeps a cool photo blog. there are so many times when i wish i had my camera, and things just end up going unnoticed. and i just take a mental picture of them for myself.

not feeling great

i've gone a long time without posting, because i haven't been feeling great about myself. so i've been writing and whining more in my regular journal since i felt i had nothing of use to post on here. so i'll just post this pic of the lotus flower painting my bf made me for my birthday. it's so pretty....

meditation tip of the day

taken from http://www.deeshan.com/:

Monday 10 August 2009

Aloneness is a flower, a lotus blooming in your heart.
Aloneness is positive, aloneness is health.
It is the joy of being yourself.
It is the joy of having your own space.
Meditation means: bliss in being alone.

Osho

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7 things i'm grateful for today-

1. air conditioning

2. get a bonus of $10 from one of the directors at work for the help i gave him on some projects he didn't have time to get to. so now i can buy myself a nice cool mocha latte tomorrow :)

3. get a pretty copper hair barrett as a gift from a sales rep at work who bought it on a trip he just got back from

4. this friday is payday. so i can buy another electronic book! i'm almost done with eat, pray, love

5. my boss approving my time off request for monday 8/31 (verbally at least)

6. having time to read and relax

7. fragrant candles

eat, pray, love

i'm currently in the middle of reading 'eat, pray, love' by elizabeth gilbert, and it's a really entertaining book. it's written almost like a novel in style. i like her writing voice and can tell that she is passionate about writing. she's good at laying out a scene and explaining her thought processes and actions in a way that the reader can easily picture. she eats in italy, prays and meditates in india, and finds love in indonesia. i'm currently in the middle of the india section of the book. and it's hard to put down. i noticed what's weird about the sony reader though. i can't underline any passages that i find especially meaningful! that's kind of annoying. so i have to stop reading and find a piece of paper to jot down the passages that stand out to me. it's a small annoyance considering that the alternative is carrying around the actual heavy book everywhere i go. it's really hard to stop reading it, because it's written in such a relateable way, as if it could be your own journey that she is describing. i heard this memoir may become a movie starring julia roberts. i'm so glad that i'm reading the memoir now, so the movie doesn't spoil the story for me. i keep thinking what an amazing thing it is that this author did, travelling to these countries all alone in order to find herself, and to discover the truth about herself and how she sees the world. that sounds like something most people just dream about, people like me.

my favorite quote from the book so far (which is actually a quote within a quote):

It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection

-The Bhagavad Gita

i should have been writing

that afternoon when it was raining and he was painting. i should have been writing. instead of drifting off to sleep yet again. it could be the medication i'm on. making me gain weight and making me sleepy all the time. unable to find my interest in things again. it's frustrating. but if i get off of it, i worry about the anxiety returning. and i wonder if i'll become too anxious to eat again. once you have had anxiety severe enough to have panic attacks, it's hard to imagine ever going back to any kind of normalcy.

i always feel better in the summer. i sat on the train the other day on my way to work, listening to music and watching the morning sunlight glistening through the window, above the heads of the passengers sitting in front of me. and i felt so much gratitude fill my heart. gratitude for having a job to go to. gratitude that boss would be out of the office. gratitude for having good music to listen to. gratitude for my family who loves me. gratitude that i wasn't all bundled up and cramped on the train with a bunch of school kids carrying their huge backpacks. gratitude for being alive. i love those moments. i felt serene, whole, and happy.

i know that i need more motivation. i want to have a body that's fit and in shape, but i need to find motivation to exercise. i need to remember that now is my chance. once the winter comes then i'll be stuck inside most of the time. and the opportunity won't be there as much. i hate the feeling that summer is slipping by. i wish it could never end. i wish it could go on forever. and i could feel inspired and happy, people watching during my lunch hour at the park, by the seaport, getting a chance to look at the water and the river without feeling cold. i feel like there's so much to write about. but reading is easier. i feel like there's so much to do, but i get paralyzed and overwhelmed by all the choices and options.

i know i need to make a first step, towards a life without regret, towards a youth that i will remember fondly, towards a life that's waiting for me to jump in and live it.

some pics from my 30th surprise birthday party

an excellent talk

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity-

http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html

i love my sony reader

i feel like such a nerd. but i got a sony reader (like a kindle but made by sony) for my 30th birthday from my sister and 2 cousins who all put in money for it. and i love it so much! i have never had such an attachment to an inanimate object before. it is the best. it's small and light, just like a day planner. i have only downloaded one book so far, a book called 'clutter busting' and it's so easy to read on this electronic thingy its ridiculous. i'm already up to chapter 2 and i just downloaded the book late last night. getting it onto my reader was tricky, but i managed. now it's like i can actually look forward to my commute!

also, another lovely new thing in my life is my new computer. i got one of those flat screen desk top ones and it is so amazingly fast! i marvel at the time that i save now because i don't have to sit there waiting for pages to load. and now there are websites that i gave up visiting before that i can go back to now without worrying that my browser will crash. it's so great! :) i couldn't stop thinking about it at work today, i'm nuts. i couldn't wait to go home and surf the net to my heart's content. and write emails to people in a fraction of the time that it used to take.

it feels nice to be able to treat myself, since it's something that i hardly ever do. especially with expensive things. for so long i felt guilty about spending money on myself. but i work hard and i deserve to have the best. it makes it easier to get up in the morning and go to work, knowing that my hard work has paid off in a way that i can enjoy my leisure time so much more.

it's kind of funny and ironic, because recently i wrote an entry in my regular journal about the evils of modern technology and how it robs us of really living. i guess i contradict myself, because i'm insanely entertained by my new techno toys!! next thing i need to get is a new computer desk, as the one i have is old and shabby. but luckily i got a mini bonus at my job last week, so i can use that towards the desk. my apartment is becoming more of a homey, comfy place by the day. and it makes me happy.

i love this idea

buy your next pair of shoes here and provide a new pair of shoes to a child in need at the same time!

http://www.tomsshoes.com/

i'm getting my pair this weekend, they are affordable and cute, espeically the booties

most creative when i'm delirious

mr. jaws

debbie harry once had a fish
named mr. jaws
she wore sunglasses on stage
held him up in a bowl
said she was working on the Blondie
character
once i thought i could live
like a child
like her in a world of make believe
-a magazine

where i'd sing something like
'she left me so hot'
lyric penned by men.
where i'd be on rooftops
wearing mini dresses, fringed bangs,
clothes made from pillowcases
looking disaffected.

i would wear reality
like a poem on my sleeve
and obscure my eyes
in a slick blue raincoat
still enough to photograph..

i'd wait for no one.
walking along in a long blue song

free summer day

didn't do much today but take a walk down to the salvation army thrift store here in town where i bought this print (pictured) for $1. it's not as huge as the picture makes it look, it's a bit smaller than an 8 x 10. i thought it was nice that it had a cardboard back so it's ready to hang. the thrift store isn't that big, but i was happy to see that they had a small book section in the back, i almost bought 'the power of now' but after reading a few passages i was getting a bit lost.

i guess now i'll finish reading 'how shall i tell the dog,' a free book i got from my professor during my last class. i also got a chance to grab this book that's going to serve as a companion to a movie called 'taking woodstock' that's coming out in august, i think the book is the shooting script. i'm nervous about my presentation for the last class, because it's going to be lots of work and very difficult. my 30th birthday is also looming, oh my. i'm going to have some ice cream, do some reading, and forget my worries.

last night i watched the memorial for michael jackson which was on like at 2am, an encore showing. it was very nice and free of theatrics. i half expected michael to jump up out of his coffin and reveal that it was all a major hoax to drum up publicity for his upcoming tour, but that would've been too cruel of a thing to do, making the world think he had died. my mind goes to some weird places sometimes. i have to meditate tonight. my whole vacation may pass me by without my doing so and that would be a shame. it's amazing that even when i'm off work there still doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for all that i want to do. even if i go to bed at 4am.